Difficult conversations feel hard not because of what you're saying but because they trigger an identity conversation: fears about what the situation means for who you are. You worry about being respected, being fair, or being seen as a good person. The real block isn't the topic. It's what you're afraid you'll lose.
The conversation becomes difficult not because of the content, but because of the values and identities that feel at stake on both sides. According to researchers Stone, Patton, and Hen, who wrote Difficult Conversations, these interactions activate what they call the identity conversation, what this situation means about who we are and what we value. Think about a difficult conversation that you've been avoiding beyond the actual topic. What feels at risk for you personally? Your identity as a supportive leader? Your value of being fair and balanced, or your desire to be respected and trusted? Could it be your fear of creating conflict when you value harmony? When we avoid or struggle with these conversations, we are often trying to protect something about our self image while also being genuinely concerned about the other person. Now, here's where it can get interesting and where my avocado analogy comes in handy.
