5 Small Shifts That Build Real Connection

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This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good. There is one question that I am answering repeatedly from you and that is how do we deepen our emotional connection? And I get it because you are busy with the kids. You are running between drop off and work meetings and trying to get the laundry done. And don't forget the meal planning. Life just keeps snowballing and you are going down the hill and one day you look over at your partner and think, where are we? Where are you and do you see me? Emotional connection is one of the most important things we want to work on in our partnerships. And yet for so many of us we have we don't know how to do this in concrete, tangible ways. And I think one of the other most common challenges in partnerships Is one person says, I want you to connect with me. And the other person says, I don't know how to do that. I already do it with you. What are you talking about? And so defining emotional connection becomes really important in terms of what it means to be in a close, healthy relationship. I'm gonna play this short clip from my podcast episode this week with Matthew Frey, who go and listen to the whole episode. But this is a piece that really stood out for me. And then I'm going to come back in and we're going to talk about emotional connection and five strategies that you can use every single day from today to help you change how close you feel with your partner.

You know, I'm also, you know, thinking back on that story about the dishwasher, thinking my wife probably communicated. Ex wife, to be clear, I, speaking about it in the past tense, probably communicated things that she wanted a number of times that might have cost the same amount as this. And, you know, to choose this random thing over, you know, something that she, like, maybe expressly. And then I can't sit here and tell you what any of those things are because I didn't do the work of knowing my wife well enough to be attuned to things she needed and wanted at any given time.

I just.

I didn't have that relational skill, which I've come to think of as the art of noticing, which I just wrote about, like, a day ago, and I really would love. If there are men like me listening to this by any chance, please think about the concept of noticing as a skill you can train yourself to do at a higher level. Because I don't think when your spouse or your partner is mad at you that it's because you've necessarily done something bad or wrong. I think it almost always falls into the category of I didn't even consider that idea.

This piece with Matthew really emphasizes the importance of noticing. Noticing is such a powerful skill that people can start practicing in their relationship every single day. And it's not about these grand gestures to create emotional connection, but rather it's these small micro moments that continue to happen every single day. Now, I know parents are in the trenches, and I know they're busy and overwhelmed, or I know stresses can be high for people, and yet these don't require a lot of time for you. And that's really what is key about emotional connection. I want to emphasize that many people also show up in my office saying, we're not having sex anymore. And that is often viewed as the band aid issue that's showing up for therapy. But when I dig deeper, what is really missing between two people is emotional connection. Because, of course, if we don't feel safe, if we don't feel connected, then sexual intimacy goes on the wayside and it's no longer prioritized. Emotional connection ties all of this together. So after recording this piece with Matthew, I thought, yes, we need to really work on the art of noticing our partners. Noticing says to somebody, I see you. You are important to me. And at our core, that's what we all look for and long for. I want to share five pieces here that you can start doing every single day to help build connection with your partner. All right, piece number one. This is a continuation around noticing. But what I want you to do is to practice sharing one emotion every single day. This one emotion is about going inside of yourself and saying, what's a feeling that I had today? Was I sad? Was I happy? Was I joyful? Was I anxious? Was I worried? Was I scared? Was I afraid? Did shame show up? I encourage people to not share frustration because that's usually a secondary emotion that's covering up underneath stuff. And it's helpful to move away from this idea of frustration, but instead to ask yourself, what's underneath that and what else is it signaling for me, One of my top recommendations to couples is to have one meal a day. And while you're having this meal together, then you can share that one emotion, letting your partner know, here's something I experienced today. Now, your partner's job is to be curious about this. And of course you're going to take turns on this, but your partner is going to be curious about the emotion that you share. What was going on for you? What did you start to think? What memories did you have? What did that remind you of? What thoughts were you having? What desires and wishes? Asking who, what, when, where, how? All of those questions to help understand what was happening for your partner. This doesn't take very long. It takes five minutes. You can do it at the dinner table together. Exercise number two. Set a timer in your phone. We all carry around our phones, and I want you to do one of two things. So choose what's going to be best for you. When the timer goes off, set it for a time where you. You are in between meetings and you know you're in transition, or right before lunch or right before you end lunch and go back after a kid's nap time, before you pick up the kids, somewhere where you're going to have two minutes to pause in that Two minutes. Open up your notes section. This is option one. Open up your notes section and write down exactly what you're doing in that moment and exactly what you're feeling or what just happened beforehand. Here's one of the common issues that shows up for couples. One partner can narrate exactly what happens in their day and they can tell you that I'm that person in our relationship. The other person doesn't have that narrative story frame that comes out. And they tend to be more of an internal processor. They tend to kind of work through things and then move on. That's my husband coming together. Then you have two different people of how they recall and share things. And so one person shares everything and the other person shares nothing. And the. The goal is to be able to slow yourself down every single day. What's happening right here? How could I share this with my partner? So by setting a timer, this invites you to pause and reflect what's happening. You're going to write a note on your notes section. And then later on at dinner time when you're connecting or at bedtime, that's when you then share the thing that you wrote down that moment or the other one is to actually send a text in that moment, send a text to your partner and say, hey, I'm thinking about you. Send something to them and be like, here's what I'm doing right now and here's how I'm feeling. This is a window into what's happening in your life and a way of building connection. As a therapist, I see how many people struggle, especially this time of year. My clients often increase their sessions because the emotional load rises and getting support becomes essential. But for so many, the biggest barrier isn't wanting therapy. It's finding the right therapist at the right time at the price that doesn't feel impossible. That's why I'm such a fan of Rula. Telehealth has made therapy more accessible, but Rula takes it a step further. Their mission is to make high quality mental health care easy and affordable for everyone. And they've removed so many of the barriers that normally hold people back. Here's what you need to know. Rula takes most major insurance plans, and sessions often average just $15, sometimes even zero, depending on your benefits. They partner with over 15,000 licensed therapists and psychiatrists, giving you real options and a genuine chance to find the right fit. Plus, their providers are carefully vetted. And Rula stays with you through the process, making sure you're getting the support and progress you Need. Getting started is simple. Rula asks a few questions and matches you with in network therapist based on your needs and preferences. And what I love is that you can schedule right away, sometimes as soon as the next day. So if you've been thinking, I know I need support, but I just don't know where to start. This is your moment. Go to rula.com Tracy to get started. That's R U L A.com Tracy for convenient quality therapy that's actually covered by insurance. And when they ask where you heard about them, please let them know it was from the show. It helps us continue to bring you these conversations and reasons resources you rely on. You deserve care that fits your life, your needs and your schedule. Rula can help you take that first step. Exercise number three is learn to ask three questions. Don't worry, I've got you've covered. I've got three questions here. But I'll tell you why this is so important. Because oftentimes people ask, when they greet each other, they come back together. They say, how was your day? Now, there's nothing wrong with this question, but it often elicits a one word response. Fine. Okay. Bad. Good. It was great having a great day. And I challenge people to understand that there are so many other ways that you can ask questions to come together and really about crossing into each other's worlds. Right? This is what we're doing constantly in our relationship. And when we feel more like this, this is when we feel more connected, close and intimate. Okay, my three questions for you. The first one is talking about that person's life in general. So what was something that was you today or something that threw you for a loop at dinner time? In my family, we share highs and lows. Everybody talks about something that was great that day. Everyone shares something that wasn't so great. This is an invitation to someone to again think about not just the stuff that was fine or the stuff that I was on autopilot through, but really, where did I struggle today? Question number two is inviting you to go into your relationship again. We're creating this bonding and coming together. Now, I'm going to give you a caveat. This one is a little bit vulnerable because you need to be willing to listen and hear me when I say this. Listening, curiosity, understanding, empathy, compassion. If you could up that volume a little bit more in your relationship, that is how you build emotional connection. When you ask your partner a question, if you immediately go, nope, that's not true, I don't do that. You missed all of this that defensiveness or that criticism that shows up, that sounds more like defensiveness. That is a centered on yourself approach. Emotional connection. It's about removing the mirror, looking at yourself, and being able to consider the other person. And that's what this question does. This one right here. How do you feel about our relationship today? And if you want to go one step further, is there something that you needed today that I didn't give you? Is there something more that you needed? And this is such a beautiful question because it'll allows the other person to pause. And honestly, they might even say, you know what? I did feel connected to you today. I felt close with you because when you snuggled with me this morning, that filled up my bucket, or when you sent me that text message or you got me that glass of water, or you greeted me at the door, those are all those moments. Or someone might say, actually, I really needed us to have this conversation right here and to connect. And now that we're doing it, now I'm starting to feel that sense of closeness with you. Great way to check in, but you've got to be open to hearing what they're saying. Okay, question number three. I believe in being able to build the foundation in your relationship. And a foundational piece is all about expressing gratitude and appreciation. We all need that. We need that in work. We need that in our partnership. We need that in our relationship with our kids. We give that to our kids. We say something about our kids that we appreciate about them. So this question or statement, rather, that each of you say, remember, you go back and forth. Something I love and appreciate about you today is. Now, here's the piece. This is not a broad stroke. I love that you're a kind person. Yes, those are lovely pieces. But given the length of parents and couples and marriages being together, we want to be specific, go really deep into what they did today. That was something you appreciated. And when you say it out loud, it's not just for them to hear. It's also for your brain to hear and to process makes it more concrete. And so saying something like, I loved seeing how you dealt with that toddler meltdown earlier, that was amazing. Thank you so much for doing that and just being that kind of dad. Or you might say, I really appreciated how when I came to the door with all the things in my hand, you met me there and you helped me with them. I really appreciate you joining me side by side doing dishes with me tonight. And I know that's not really your task, but having you there, present with me really meant a lot. All right. Asking really good questions is a great way to deepen your emotional connection. If you want more of this, you can join me in my daily rituals. I help you with three things couples should be doing every single day. That guide is also tucked inside Be Connected, my relationship program. But if you're looking for a quick win, grab my 100 questions to deepen your connection. I love those questions. Greg and I do them all the time together, and they're just fun way of building that intersection between who am I on the inside? And who. Who are you on the inside? Exercise number four. Share your internal world. I know that sounds a little bit like therapist speak, but we've got so much that goes on inside of us. I often think of an avocado, how you know, the core is that small piece that your partner actually knows about you. And there's all this other part of the avocado, the part that you're eating that your partner doesn't know. We have something like 40 to 50,000 thoughts a day, all of which your partner is not privy to. They're not going to know all of what you're thinking and experiencing. And so exercise number four is pausing at some point during the day and letting your partner know what's happening inside of you. Maybe you ask this question once a week, maybe you ask it every day, but you'll say something like, what's been on your heart and mind? Actually, that's doctors John and Julie Gottman. They ask each other that every morning. How is your heart and mind today? Such a beautiful question. So you might ask, what's on your mind this week? What have you been thinking about? Or you might even ask, what's been weighing on you? What's been feeling heavy this week that we can offload or we can talk about or maybe that I haven't even noticed. This allows us to step, especially as parents, this allows us to step out of the mundane every single day experiences. It steps out of the logistics of who's making lunches and where the splash pants are, but instead it's about going into your inner world. What are your thoughts? What are your fears? What are the things you're excited about? Okay, exercise number five. This might not be an everyday thing, but it could be. Couples tend to get stuck in the everyday routine and mundane. And of course we do, because we love routine. We love predictability, we love control. We love to know what time is bedtime, how many stories are we doing, and how's it gonna go? But the piece here is that couples to feel connected, to feel that emotional sense of connection. We need new experiences that filled with curiosity, play, laughter, and all of these can lead to a sense of pleasure and desire. So you might try a new coffee and talk about how it tastes. You might bring out that board game you haven't played for a while. You might instead of doing the same loop around the block that you do with the dog, pack it up, go for a 10 minute drive and walk in that neighborhood or go for a hike in a different route this time. These experiences, whether they are new or ones you haven't done in a while, are a way of lighting up our brains, are a way of saying, hey, isn't this fun and a shared experience. And so we're creating more bonding and more attraction to each other. Relationships are all about creating new memories so that we can continue to build and strengthen what it means to be partners. All right, I have five exercises here. Let me know what you think about them. Try them out, but be sure to send me a DM over on Instagram. Tell me how they go. Which what stood out for you? What one are you going to try? You try all five. Are you going to just pick one? Let me know. I love hearing from you and I'm just glad that you joined me for this video. So I'll see you next time. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider. Take care of you.