A Thousand Tiny Paper Cuts: Why Resentment Gets So Heavy

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Most people think resentment is anger. It's not. And that's the first thing we need to clear up, because until you understand what resentment actually is, you can't heal it. Anger is hot, it's sharp, It comes, it goes, you yell, you cry, you fight, and then sometimes you move through it. Resentment is different. It's quiet. It's the slow fade, the slow erosion. It builds in the spaces where you're not fighting. It builds in the silences. I had a client recently describe resentment perfectly. She said, I'm not angry. I'm just done. And that's, that's resentment. That feeling of being done, not because one big thing happened, but because a thousand small things happened and nobody noticed her. Resentment is what happens when you ask for something over and over and then you stop asking. When you've communicated, you've cried, you've explained what you need, and nothing changes, so you stop. And in stopping something shifts. You stop hoping, you stop believing that things can be different, and that's the moment resentment takes root. So here's what we're going to do in today's conversation. I'm going to show you what resentment actually is, how it builds, why it's so destructive to relationships, and most importantly, I want us to talk about how you can start to heal it. Because resentment is grief, and grief, when named and understood, can actually be the beginning of real change. I want to make sure that this is loud and clear because this is actually something that I haven't shared before, and I haven't said this out loud, and I think this is a conceptualization that most people don't understand. Here it is: resentment is grief. Not anger, grief. When you resent your partner, what you're actually grieving is this: the unmet need. You asked for help, you said, I'm overwhelmed, you said, I need you to see me, and they didn't. Or maybe they did sometimes, but not consistently. And you're grieving the fact that the person you love isn't showing up the way you need them to. Resentment is grief in the lost hope. You got married believing your partner would be your teammate, and then life got hard and you thought you would solve that together. You're grieving the fact that you feel like you're solving it all alone. This is where so many people in my therapy room come to me saying, I didn't sign up for this. The title of my first book. You're grieving the invisibility. This is a big one. You're grieving the fact that you don't feel like a priority in your own relationship, that your needs, your exhaustion, your feelings, they're not important enough to shift their behavior. And so you're grieving this feeling of being unseen. And you're also grieving the lost version of your relationship. You remember when it was different. You remember when it felt easy or when you saw them and you lit up, but now it drains you. When you were partners instead of co-managers of a household, that was exciting. You're grieving losing that. And this is why resentment feels so heavy for us. It's not just anger about the dishes or the mental load or who forgot what. It's grief that your relationship has become this. It's grief about the partnership you thought you were coming home to, and you don't have that person anymore. But I want you to hear me when I say this, grief is information. It's telling you that something matters. It's telling you that your needs matter. It tells you that your relationship matters and that being seen matters. The problem isn't that you're grieving. The problem is that grief, when it's not acknowledged, turns into resentment and resentment when it's not addressed, turns into the slow death of a marriage. So the first thing I need you to understand this, If you're feeling resentment, you're not angry at your partner, you're grieving, and that grief needs to be named. This is also important to emphasize that this doesn't mean your relationship is doomed, because when you are feeling something towards your partner and in your relationship, it also means that you want to still feel something together. Let's pause and talk about how resentment builds, because I think it's easy for us once we land here, but sometimes it's really hard to understand. And I think once we can name these different steps, it can also help us come to our partners and say, okay, here's what's been happening. So the first part that I like to talk about with resentment is really this unmet need. You need something. Maybe it's help with the kids, maybe it's emotional connection, maybe it's you feeling valued and seen. And so you express it, you say something like, hey, I need help tonight, I'm overwhelmed. At this stage, you're hopeful because you believe that they're going to hear you and you believe that things can change. When resentment starts to build, it tells me that needs are not being met, either because you're not expressing them or because your partner is not hearing them. And Sometimes we also have to come to the table and admit that when we express ourselves, we often say what we don't need instead of actually being clear on what we expect and need. So that's stage 1. Let's talk about stage 2. This is the pattern. This is where it starts to happen over and over again. You need help, they don't show up. You ask for emotional connection, they say they're too tired. You express the need and they either dismiss it or they defend against you instead of hearing you and coming together as a team. This is where those first seeds of resentment start to plan. This is where you start thinking, maybe this is just how it is, and maybe I can't count on them. And that pattern is a hard spot to go into. But then I see something happen next, and this is the scorekeeping. This is now you keeping track. It's not necessarily a conscious thing, but your body starts to track things. Who emptied the dishwasher? Who did this? Who did bedtime? I'm initiating connection. You're not planning dates. Why am I always doing the thing? You keep saying the hard thing and they keep getting defensive. At this point, for so many people, they're building this case that says, I'm doing more, you're not doing enough, and this is completely unfair. That unfairness is such a huge part of the resentment experience. I think this is where couples get stuck, because now instead of asking what you need— because you've tried it already, I get it— but now you're pointing out the things they're not doing and what you're doing, and that is creating that negative cycle in your relationship. If you're noticing a pattern showing up in your relationship, don't forget to check out my relationship relationship quiz. This is a free quiz for you. I'm going to ask you questions about the steps that you take, the feelings and thoughts and assumptions and stories you tell yourself, and then by the end of it, you'll identify that common negative cycle that you get into. Thousands of people have taken this quiz, and it's been incredible to see just how helpful that first step is. So I've got the link in the show notes for you. Don't forget to go and check that out. When you want your spring break to feel like— and your kids' pool day to feel like— and your hotel bed to feel like— ooh, and room service to feel like— because at Hilton, hospitality feels like—

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It matters where you stay. Book now at Hilton.com. Hilton. For the stay. All right, now after you're keeping score, this is where I see people start to shut down. So at some point you stop asking, you stop hoping, you stop believing that your partner is even going to do anything different, and I think this is a really challenging stage because the absence of conflict, it looks like peace. Like, I've heard partners in therapy say, well, I think things are getting better because she stopped asking. And then she roars in session saying, I stopped asking because nothing changed and I've just given up. In emotionally focused couples therapy language, part of what I start to see here is the burned-out pursuer, and then I have the reactive pursuer. So initially, couples go into this pursue-withdraw or pursue-defend cycle, But then the pursuer gets burnt out. She— it's typically she— she's exhausted. She says, fine, there's no point, I'm not doing this anymore. And so she shuts down. And then the person who is typically the defensive, withdrawn one reacts to that shutting down. Uh-oh, she's not reaching for connection anymore. I need to step in here. And so then he— it's typically he in most scenarios, not all— but then he comes in and starts to pursue her and is reaching for connection. That burnt-out pursuing position is a tough one. We don't want partners to get there. And that is also this warning sign that something isn't working in the relationship. And last, I see people go into silence. This is when resentment has fully calcified. You don't fight anymore. You don't ask anymore. You don't even feel much of anything anymore. You are just going through the motions with your partner. This, I know, is scary for so many people. And what's tough about it is your partner might even not know that you're there. They might think that everything is fine because you stopped making waves, but you're not fine. You're just quiet. And this is where I get so many DMs from men who say, I didn't see it coming. Or there were some viral stories around how a woman divorced her husband because he ate the cheesecake while she fell asleep. It wasn't about the cheesecake slice, It was about the years and thousands of moments where she was unseen. She vocalized her needs, she tried, she scorekept, she begged for that attention and fairness and equality, and then there was nothing. So it doesn't come out from anywhere. And here's why all of this matters is because when you can start to see yourself in some of these steps, you can then say, okay, hang on, I can do something different. We can get support. If you do notice that you are in that shutdown or silence place, yes, resentment is entrenched there. But I want you to hear this from me because I think it's important. I've worked with so many couples who have come from the trenches of resentment, the shutdown spot, and they can come back together. So I don't want you to think that it's too late. And one or both of you have to be doing this work.. And this is not just about communicating better because this is about looking at what's happened. It's about grieving what you've lost, and it's also about learning how to rebuild from a different place. And that requires both of you. I know we get to this place and we often think, wow, we're in this resentful spot. We're not doing well, we're shut down. And I think it's really important for us to pause and actually recognize that resentment is a symptom and it tells you something needs to change. And once you can understand what it's telling you, then you can actually use it, use the emotion as information to rebuild your relationship differently. So if you come to this place and you're saying, okay, Dr. Tracy, I've shut down, I have just gone silent, this is all information, and now we get to choose what we do next. So I want to first offer this Resentment is not the end of your story. It can be the beginning, because resentment is telling you that your needs matter, that you matter, that being seen matters and being prioritized matters. And to recognize that piece— this is a moment where you are starting to wake up. I think of who shows up in my therapy room, and it's often parents to young children. I had this, this pattern I still do. Parents come to me and their kids are typically 3 and 5, maybe 2 and 4, 3 and 5. They're coming out of the fog of new parenthood and they're saying to me, we look across at each other and there's just no connection and the resentment has built. And it's a really interesting time because for those first 3/5 years, 3 to 5 years of parenthood, these two partners have put their needs on the back burner. Their kids depended on them so deeply. They were in survival modes. Their nervous systems were just trying to survive feeding schedules, nap schedules, extended family demands, all of the things. And then now kids are 3 and 5 and we're finally coming up for air. And now I'm finally listening that I have this feeling. And I want you to see right here that this awareness is so powerful because it tells you then what to do next. And the problem isn't that you're resentful. The problem is that resentment has been silent for so long that you and your partner aren't even aware what's come between you two. And you've stopped believing maybe that anything can change. But here's what shifts this. First, we need to name the grief, not the blame. So here's what I know. It is so much more comfortable. It leads us to feel safe when we blame, when we focus outward, when we say you never help, You don't care. You're not enough. You're always on your phone and you don't even pay attention to me. That's blame. And blame is externalization and putting it on the other person because it is easier in the short run. But when we go into something more vulnerable within ourselves, it's scary to say. It's also the truth. And this truth is what breaks the cycle. So here's what it sounds like. I'm grieving something. I've asked for help so many times, and I've stopped believing that it will even change. And that scares me because I feel alone and I feel invisible. That's vulnerability. And that's the first step. Okay. Second, you need to ask for help in the present moment, not about the past, not about all the times they didn't show up. Right now. This is like right now. And this is tricky. I can think of all of the times that I would be wrapped up in my own resentment. It showed up recently. Takes these really long times to go out with friends. So his activities are dirt biking and golfing, and recently he was going skiing one night. And I love that he was going night skiing with a bunch of his friends. Fantastic. And that old message of resentment showed up, that old message of you have to do it all, you're always on, you're doing all the things. And I was reminded in the moment not to go to that past stuff, to get stuck in what, you know, what happened in the past. In my book, I Didn't Sign Up for This, I talk about feeling like a discarded toy as a new mom, put in a cupboard and not paid attention to. So many moments of feeling unseen and unrecognized and the heavy mental load. But I remember in this moment saying to myself, communicate your needs clearly. Don't let resentment stop you. Do it right here. And so before he left, I said, hey love, can you empty the dishes in the sink? Greg's thing is he likes to leave things in the sink. My thing is my sensory thing. I can't put my hand in— I can, I can, I can do it, I don't like to— but to put my hand in the sink and pull the drain when there's all these dishes and it's cold dirty water, oh, just gets me. And then when I don't ask for that, what I need, then it's the moment of I'm resentful because then the story I tell myself is I have to do everything. So that night before he left, I knew he was leaving at a certain time, I said early, I said, hey, can you just help me? Because things will go smoother tonight if I know the kitchen is clean and then I have a chance to use the sink. And he said, yeah, thank you for letting me know. And it was that moment, it was in the moment to say, this is what will help me. Okay. So you can try something like this. I need help tonight. I'm overwhelmed. Will you help me? And this is really important because their answer becomes information. If they help, great. If they don't, then you have information and you can decide what to do with that information. Okay. This leads us to this third piece, and that is really about rebuilding from a different place. So once the resentment is named, once you've stopped silently hoping that they're going to figure it out, you can actually start to rebuild. This isn't a place out of obligation, but it's a place of choice. So it's not this, like, I hope they'll be different, but actually we're choosing. And this is where you get to decide. And remember that when you get to make a choice, you have a sense of power and agency, and that is a core need that we all need in our relationships. You get to ask yourself, do I want to do the work to heal this? Do I want to communicate what I actually need? Do I want to stay? And here's the truth: sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes that resentment is telling you that the relationship has run its course. And because we are where we are today, you need to hear this from me. That's okay. There is no shame in coming to the table and saying we've done what we can. And because remember that we want our children to see what healthy love looks like, not emotional absence, not emotional closeness, not the continued fighting and the silence between parents. Our children need to see what healthy love looks like. And a lot of times resentment shows up and couples say they're ready to change. And that change starts with being honest about what you're actually feeling. So here it is. We name the grief, we communicate the need, what the need really is, and then we get to see what's possible from there. It's not guaranteed, but it's honest. And honest is where change is actually going to start.

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Okay, now that we've done that first piece to identify, am I actually moving forward in this? Are we showing up together as a team? Are we going to do this? Then let's talk about what is actually going to heal the resentment. Now, the first step is a really hard one, and it's one that I always encourage people to do. So step 1, you need to get curious about your role. I'm not going to sit here and blame you, but I want us to build understanding, understanding about ourselves, understanding about how we contribute to the pattern and the system. There is always a system that's happening between you and your partner. When you come and see me in therapy, I'm not sitting there blaming your partner because you're upset with them. I'm there looking at the pattern. And every time you escalate and get into an argument or shame shows up, defensiveness shows up, we're going back to the pattern. And the question we all have to ask ourselves— I have had to ask myself this really hard question— is this: how am I maintaining this pattern? Are you staying silent instead of asking for what you need? Do you take over instead of letting them fail? Are you scorekeeping instead of addressing things in the moment? Are you protecting yourself by shutting things down instead of actually being vulnerable? This is a hard step because it requires you to stop blaming your partner and to actually start examining yourself. But this is also where you get your power back, because the only person you can control in the pattern is you. And when you're vulnerable, when you reach for the other person, you're providing an opportunity for them to come to you. I often have this, like, your arms are open and they're reaching, like you're waiting for them to come to you. And when I even think about the own— my own work I had to do about resentment, I had to stop staying silent. I was so good at taking on all of the things, and then I would give myself these stories of how Greg wouldn't help out, and I would see these things that he wasn't doing. And resentment didn't mean we were in trouble. And I think that is such an important piece. We've had so much shame around relationships instead of being able to name what the experience actually is, because we can't change something when we don't name it. And so when I could see that I too was standing in the shower crying after our second child joined us and saying the very thing my clients had said, and I take you through that moment in my book, I said, I didn't sign up for this. And it was the first time where I finally expressed what was actually happening for me. And yes, Greg struggled to hear that. And yes, initially he got defensive and we got stuck, and we got stuck again and again, and we continued to work through it. And I also know that experience of really saying to him, I trust you to figure this out, and I appreciate you asking, and I know that you'll be able to move forward with this. If you haven't yet, go back and listen to the mental load conversations. There's one on closing the task. I also talk about weaponized incompetence, and then I also talk about how we rent out our partner's brain space. I really like that one because I've got 3 specific tips for you in that episode. Step 2 is going to require you to continue that path of vulnerability because I think we need to go to our partners and let them in on what's happening for us. Maybe if this is not something you can do with your partner, but maybe you can write it out, journal about it, and maybe get to a place where you can share it with them. So this is not blaming your partners. It's not saying you don't help out enough, but it's about actually naming what you're grieving. It could sound like, I'm grieving that I don't feel like a priority, or I'm grieving that I don't feel seen, or I'm grieving the partnership that I thought we would have. Because when you can name the grief, your partners and your nervous system can actually hear you. And when we label the pain that we're in and the sadness, right? Because remember, grief is about sadness and pain and hurt and longing, depression and bargaining even. It invites our partners to be compassionate with us. When we are focused outward on all the things they're not doing and how they're not showing up with us, that invites defensiveness. But when we can slow down and be vulnerable and to name the softer feeling underneath that, it invites connection and it invites them to come close to you. Okay. Step 3, this is really about you learning what your needs are. You need to express those. And not to keep expressing your resentment. So I think one of those pieces that can be really clear, and I invite people to get so clear on what that looks like. This is the, I need to feel like a priority in this relationship. I need to feel seen and I need to feel help. When I'm in session with couples, I say, I want you to pretend like I'm a fly on the wall and tell me exactly what your partner would be doing to support you, because we want it to be clear. We want it to be direct. There's nothing mixed in in terms of resentment, but it's this you saying to your partner, here is exactly what it is, and I'm going to normalize this here. Yes, you have to express this. And gosh, I know this is so hard. I see this all the time. I know it even within myself. And earlier when I gave the example of the sink, that was me having to express my need. Even though Greg knows that's my thing, it's still my job— my thing being the sink— and I don't want to put my hand in the dirty dishwater. That still something that I have to come back to and remind him of that, because there are some moments where the, the sink is left, and I, I could view that moment as, God, he doesn't see me, I never matter, he never thinks of me. When he does, he does other things that thinks about me. And yet in that moment though, I can say to him, hey love, could you empty the sink so that I can do the thing that I need to do? That's me vocalizing my need really clearly. I want to emphasize that this part of the work is actually something that's incredibly uncomfortable. It's hard to access what the need is. It's hard to to slow down and express it to our partners, but it does change things. And also, to my advice here, if I'm going to be directive with you, less is more. When you give lots and you give all the reasons and you give all the examples and, and, and, and, you have lost your partner. Remember, this is where we don't want to trigger their shame spiral in their nervous systems. We want them to remain connected with us to be able to hear that piece. Okay, I just want to wrap this up because I think this step of expressing your need is really heavy. Okay, So it is your job to express your needs. It doesn't mean you have a bad partner if they don't know what you need. It means you're human and nobody knows your moment-to-moment needs. You can say one day, I love foot massages, and the next day you're like, please do not touch my feet. This is a silly example. Okay. You have to express your needs. Two, we often communicate what we don't want and we need to communicate what we do want. So in there, practice communicating what it is. But three, be really clear in this. You have to be direct. You have to let them know exactly what that looks like. Because when we say something like, I need to be seen, that doesn't translate necessarily to other people. What does it mean to be seen, to be understood? Sometimes you have to give that to them. All right. Step 4, be willing to hear your partner's side. And this is where it gets tricky. This is where it gets vulnerable because you might say that something hurts and they might have felt unseen by you. They might actually have their own grief and their own feelings of resentment. And that was actually an interesting experience that unfolded between Greg and I as well, is that while my resentment was really loud, that over time he then shared he felt resentful as well. So in sessions, when I'm looking at someone who is stuffing their needs down and doesn't vocalize what they feel and want, that too is a recipe for resentment. And so both partners can end up feeling resentful. They're just at different stages of it. So this is the real work here. This is where both of you can be honest about what you're actually experiencing and not just about what the other person is doing wrong. So remember that, okay? This is where you bring in the skills of curiosity, of listening to understand and not listening to try to defend yourself. Okay, step 5: decide what you're going to do differently. I think this is really powerful. This can be about you yourself showing up, or you as a couple. And I love this idea of you sitting together shoulder to shoulder and saying— not waiting for the other person, but initiating this, okay? You saying, how am I going to show up differently here? What am I going to do? What am I going to ask for directly instead of waiting for them to notice? What am I going to stop doing that's been enabling this pattern? And what am I going to be honest about instead of swallowing? And that's for both people, because resentment fades when you stop maintaining the pattern, when you start being honest, and when you start asking for what you actually need. And this is important. I really need you to hear me on this. This is hard. This does not happen overnight. This isn't one conversation. And it also requires a lot of vulnerability. It requires you being willing to go inside yourself and not just stay in that position of blame. I recently asked my community, tell me the moments where you feel resentful. And so many of those moments came up where of course it's the things that the other person is or is not doing. And that then, it's a great starting place because now you've got this awareness. I'm looking at them and now I need to ask myself, what do I do? What am I doing in those moments where it feels like a thousand tiny paper cuts? Do I stay silent again? Do I sit down and let's have a real conversation about how do we move forward about this. I also think there's something to be said in here about the 3 choices we have in a relationship. So the first one is you change together and you commit that we are both doing this. The second one is you want to stay in the relationship. No one can tell you whether you should go or stay. Nobody knows what it's like in your experience in that relationship. No one online can tell you that, okay? But listen, you might decide, I want to stay in this relationship because of all these other values, and that's important to me. And then you have to go down the road of saying I can accept these things. And you have to work to accept instead of continuing to ask them to change, because they're going to show you repeatedly who they are. And if you're saying, okay, they don't want to go to therapy, they don't want to read the book, they don't want to— am I willing to accept that? And then I get to change myself, which might be I'm going to ask for my needs more. I'm going to not just fix things for them when they're struggling. Or the third choice is that you decide to leave the relationship. I think what's really important here is that you You can't fix resentment alone. It requires both of you to show up and to be willing to engage with what's happening between you two. But here's what's true. Resentment doesn't just go away. It requires fixing. So on one hand, you might be fixing it with your partner. You're both engaged, you're both willing to do the things. And here's the other truth that I know. When one person changes in a system, the whole system has a chance to change. And that is powerful. But you then have to be willing to say, I am willing to do this work. This is also exactly what I teach you in my Conquer Resentment workshop. I've had thousands of people sign up for this workshop. It's been incredible to see the response to it because I know we can't cover everything in a podcast episode in 30 minutes. There's so much layering in here. There's a part about ourselves, there's a part about our partners and the dynamic. And I break all of that through what's causing resentment. Why do I feel resentful? What are our expectations, our assumptions, perceptions? What does all this look like? And then in part 2 of the workshop, I teach you and I break it down into the specific communication steps, the scripts you can use with your partner if you're doing this on your own, or if you are doing it with them. I break that all down inside my Conquer Resentment workshop, and I'll put the link in the show notes for you. Okay. Because there's a piece here is that when you are showing up and doing this on your own, it is possible to change because when one person changes, the whole pattern has the possibility to change. It takes time and it's challenging, and I also know that it can change. All right, I want to offer one last thing before we close. If you are recognizing yourself in resentment, if you're keeping the score, if you're silently shutting down, this doesn't mean your relationship is broken. It means that your relationship is asking for something to be different. And it means that you are looking for permission to be honest. And that permission is what's going to actually help you move forward. And I want to give you this permission. You need permission to stop playing small and to start showing up as you. You have needs, you're identifying them, you're labeling them. And it's also okay if you need those tools and the tools to name the grief without blame, the tools to ask for what you need without shame, and those tools to rebuild from a place of honesty instead of resentment. So I'm going to flag my Conquer Resentment workshop again. This is not about fixing your partner. It's not about you, you know, sticking it into the resentment and anger, but it's about you understanding what resentment is actually telling you, examining your role in the pattern, and then learning how to actually communicate what you need and working through those sticking points. I've worked with so many people who have been in this position, and I just pour so much into that workshop. So So go and check it out. And I am so glad that you clicked play on today's episode. I want you to remember that resentment is not the end of your relationship, but let's see it as a doorway. It's a doorway to be able to create more honesty, more connection, and more you in your relationship. All right, let's wrap up. If anything resonated for you today, one of the best ways to support me here on the podcast is to share it with someone you love. Who do you want to hear about resentment? Who do you want to understand what resentment is really about? And then don't forget to send me a DM. I always love hearing what lands for you. And I want you to know this. If you're looking for more support, I'm here. I have my online resources for you, and I'm just grateful that you've clicked play today. By clicking play, it tells me that your relationship matters to you. And I know that you are doing this hard work. So thank you for being here. And I love you. I'll see you next time. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this information is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider. See you next time.

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