Are You an Internalizer or an Externalizer?

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18+. Today I want to teach you a concept that I think explains a lot of conflict in relationships. It's often something that we aren't even aware of, but can help us when it comes to those stressful moments in our relationships. When distress happens, when something hard happens, our brain has to do something really quick. And it's one of two things. We lean into internalizing or externalizing. So when something painful happens, internalizers direct that pain and distress into themselves. So very quickly they go to the place of, what's wrong with me? Maybe I'm overreacting. I shouldn't need so much. I'll just deal with it myself. The internalizer is more likely to withdraw, to shut down, to become quiet, and They just carry that burden all on their own. Now externalizers, they tend to do the opposite. When something painful happens, they direct that outwards, and it often sounds like this: why did they do that to me? Why did you hurt me? You never think about anyone else. You always do this. And so they focus outward. An externalizer is more likely to criticize, to blame, pursue, protest, and demand a response. If you haven't listened to the last podcast episode, this is a great moment to press pause. In the last episode, I talked about how I responded to Greg in a moment when he was getting defensive so that we could keep our conversation on track. Now, my old position, or the position sometimes I still lean into because I'm not perfect and I'm a human first, is I tend to get critical. And that critical piece is the externalization. And so when I thought about what I had shared in that last episode, I thought this is a Perfect part 2, because if we aren't aware of how we are sharing the information with our partners, we too are going to play a role in starting that negative cycle. Because here's the piece: internalizers are going to be the ones who build resentment. They don't say what they need, they minimize their feelings, and then something explodes 6 months later and the other person goes, whoa, I had no idea that this was happening. The other challenging piece about internalizers is that they are more likely to go to this place of shame and self-doubt. And that also is not a great place to act from because you question yourself, you doubt your self-worth, you might even be anxious in the relationship. So I think that's an important piece to identify. But the externalizers, they have a different challenge because they often express distress immediately, and that gets wrapped up into their criticism. And so their partner ends up hearing the attack instead of the pain underneath. So the internalizer doesn't share the pain, and the externalizer shares the attack, which the attack then is the quote-unquote problem behavior, but nobody sees the pain underneath. Okay, let me give you an example of how this plays out. Your partner comes home 30 minutes late. You held dinner, you made it, it was hot, you sat down, you waited for your partner to arrive, and they didn't. And you continue to wait Now the core feeling underneath that for you might be, it's like I don't even matter, and it might be sadness and pain. But the internalizer then goes to the place of saying, maybe we didn't agree on it, maybe I didn't express myself clearly, it's all my fault. It's the self-blame, and that leads to shame. The externalizer, however, goes to the place of focusing on them. They might say something like, "Must be nice to not consider anybody else," or, "You are so selfish, you only think of yourself." Do you see it? They both have the same wound around feeling unseen or unimportant. One person stays silent while the person who's more critical puts it outward onto the other person. So when I think about what prompted me wanting to share internalization and externalization, it's this right here. Often criticism gets the attention, but it's not the first most important feeling that needs to be shared in partnership because criticism is tied to anger, resentment, frustration, but that's not the first emotion. The first emotion is often loneliness, pain, fear, hurt, sadness, feeling unimportant, and the criticism then comes afterward. And one of the most powerful things you can do is if you are someone who tends to lean into that criticism and externalization and focusing on the other person, the first thing I want you to do is ask yourself right now today as you listen, when I'm upset, what do I do with that pain? Do I send it outward or do I hold it inward? Because the growth for the internalizer is to practice seeing things from the other perspective. You are not bad. It is not all your fault. There are two people part of this dynamic, and the key then is to express what the need is, what the feeling is. Now, the key for both of them is to do that. But so for the externalizer, the goal is to slow down. The goal is to ask yourself, what's really happening for me in here? Rather than focusing outward, we go inward. Underneath it. I know typical relationship advice will say things to the critical partner like, have a soft startup, use I feel, and make sure you're connecting feelings to behaviors. I believe there's so much more that happens in our relationship that we need to really bring this understanding of who am I in this relationship? What are the automatic things that I do that then lead us to feeling disconnected? And internalizing-externalizing is one of those initial processes that we do in relationships with others that we want to be aware of. And the goal is not to be better at one or the other. The goal is to actually practice both and then to really build that skill of communicating what is the core harder feeling that I don't want to share here and what is it that I actually need. All right. If you are looking for direction on how to actually do this, meet me inside Be Connected. I don't just have lessons in there teaching you all of the things I teach my couples in my therapy room. It's not therapy. It's not therapy program, but I also inside that program offer you monthly coaching. People come into the group session and it's incredible to watch the changes that they make. As well, you have access to my Dr. Tracy AI, which helps support you in those middle of the night moments. Listen, the reality is that everybody— most people are turning to some kind of chat, whether you're asking Google and you get the summary, or you are on some kind of chat platform. This is a chat that is trained on my podcast, all of my work, all of my lessons, and so it is coming to you from that relational training as an LLM. All right, as always, thanks for clicking play, and I will see you next time. Remember, this is for educational purposes only, does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider.