Boundaries and Repair: how to protect your emotional well-being and come back together after conflict in family dynamics

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This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good. Have you ever had a conflict that just seems to get stuck? Maybe it's with a parent or sibling where no matter how many times you try to explain yourself, they just don't get it. Or maybe it's with your partner, those ruptures in your marriage that leave you wondering, how do we even come back from this? That's the theme for our conversation today, how we navigate boundaries and repair in the relationships that matter the most. In this episode, I'm answering two questions that go straight to the heart of this therapy. The first is from a listener who asks, is it okay to intentionally avoid a sibling who constantly says hurtful things to me. And the second is from someone who wants to know how do I repair my marriage after a fight about my mother in law wanting to live with us temporarily? Both of these questions highlight the delicate dance we all face protecting our emotional safety while still trying to stay connected in our most important relationships. And as you'll hear, there are clear ways to set boundaries without guilt and steps you can take to repair after conflict so you and your partner can get back on the same page. Okay, I'm going to tease this a little bit because I can't wait for next week's podcast episode. We are going into a six part series all leading up to the launch of my new book, you, you husband and His Mother. And in my book, if you haven't heard yet, I share my powerful five step vault method to help you stop stop getting stuck in these painful cycles and build a stronger, more united partnership with your partner. Because here's the thing, you don't just marry your spouse, you marry their family. And dealing with your in laws isn't always easy. And I'm going to teach you in this book how to create a healthier relationship with your mother in law and your spouse in five simple and powerful steps. So if you haven't yet, head to my book page Dr. Tracy D.com you you'll find the book on my homepage there. Go ahead and pre order pre ordering. The book is one of the best ways that you can support authors and support me in this community. I just, I get your messages every day telling me how excited you are for this book. It's coming, it's coming so soon and I just can't wait. And plus I really want to plug this here. I have two amazing pre order bonuses that are coming with the book. The first one is you're going to be given the questions that are part of Stick Step two in the Vault method which is aspirations. And what I commonly hear from people is that they didn't know to ask each other these questions. And ahead of the holiday season, ahead of a new baby, ahead of that event coming up in the next few weeks, these questions are going to help you and your partner start to get on the same page. So that's the first pre order bonus that you're going to get. But the second pre order bonus, I cannot wait for this. This is all about having the advice that we need now. So I am having a live coaching session. We're going to a few people join us live. I'm going to answer their questions live, give them scripts, give them advice on what to do next. And it's going to be such a great event, so you'll be able to mark your calendars for that. That's happening on October 30th, but you have to pre order the book first. You'll find all the details when you click the links in the show notes and I just can't wait to celebrate this book and to have it come to life. Okay, and one last thing before I dive in. If you have a question this that you'd like me to answer right here in the podcast, head to drtracyd.com forward slash podcast and submit your question. I love hearing from you and I love this community that we're building. All right, let's dive in. So here's the first question it says is it okay to intentionally create avoidance with a sibling? She regularly says insulting comments to me and seems to have no awareness that it's hurtful. Even if I tell her we need to see each other at family gatherings where, although we have surface level pleasantries, I admittedly do avoid her due to my fear of having to deal with her comments. I'm just not up for having to emotionally deal with her behaviors. Thank you for creating the space for these questions. Okay, here's my response. This is such a tough spot to be in, and I want to acknowledge how hard it is to navigate siblings and this dynamic with siblings. It sounds like you've already tried to communicate how her comments impact you and yet the behavior continues. So I really want to just highlight that. It's like we try something, nothing changes. We keep trying and nothing changes for. And that's painful. And it makes sense that you'd feel the need to protect yourself emotionally by creating some distance. Before I zoom in on the answer to your question, I want to zoom out. I love doing this when I'm coaching people. And this is really to talk about sibling dynamics. Because when we have insight and awareness, we build understanding. And it helps us to not only build compassion, maybe for what someone else is experiencing, but more so for ourselves. Because for so many people I know, especially when I'm sitting in front of women, we get so hard on ourselves and we say, why are you making a big deal out of this? Why can't you just. And instead, when we have this understanding and larger insight, it just invites us to be softer and more empathic with ourselves. So sibling dynamics. I want to first emphasize this. You did not grow up in the same environment, whether you were the oldest or the youngest I wish I had that information. By the way, whether you're the oldest or the youngest, whether you are the middle of three kids, whether your. Your sibling is 12 months apart from you or five years, you did not grow up with the same set of parents in the same situation. We want to consider that there is an interaction between who your parents are and who you are. And for some people, that matches. And for others, there's a big disconnect. And just with the sheer information that knowing you two are different people, you are then going to elicit different kinds of responses from, from your parents, which means that even though you grew up maybe close together or not, that environment isn't the same with your parents. You each had different needs. There's something else we do in families that I think is really damaging, and that is that we build these scripts and narratives of who somebody is based on those early formative years. And the challenge, though, is that those scripts are not updated. When we don't update those scripts, we then operate on old, outdated information of that person. For example, if as a child, you were the youngest and you didn't like to share, and your parent has the belief or your sibling has the belief that you don't share, they're going to continue to view you through that lens. If someone called you sensitive while growing up and said, you're too sensitive now as an adult, when you bring up something that's difficult for you, they map on that same belief that they have formed of you and say, you're too sensitive. And this becomes harmful in relationships when we don't update those scripts because we're applying old information to current situations. And one of the most powerful things we can do is then to take new information, get more curious about who the person is, ask questions, and above all else, to not make assumptions about who they are, why they do the things. And so when I think about this question and your sibling comes in and says these hurtful things to you, is she acting on outdated and old information? Is she treating you with an old lens that doesn't apply to who you are today? And the layered complexity in this is that you two both have to be willing to come together, being differentiated, being curious and open to hearing and understanding each other. And for you both to have this conversation of, hey, what's happening between us? Here's how I'm experiencing this dynamic, but I think I'm missing something, so let me know what's happening for you. Not everybody is at this level of awareness, and not everybody is willing or wanting to have this kind of conversation with you. I also want to reflect how parents might have played a role in this dynamic between you and your sibling. That when kids are growing up, we teach them either explicitly or implicitly, what it means to compromise, to co create and to problem solve. And given that parents do their best and that we are all products of our own patterns, for many people, we end up repeating unhelpful things. Here's a classic example. You and your sister get into a fight. She screams, ow, don't hit me. You're one parent who got hit as a kid by their sibling comes in and says, how could you do that to your sister? You're not supposed to hit her. Here, go have that timeout, whatever that looks like in terms of how your parents parented you. But here's the thing. That parent just walked in with their own lens, their own experiences from growing up without coming in and understanding. Hey, whoa, something hard's happening here. Tell me what's going on. Tell me what's happening. I think of my own kids the other day, and they were struggling around sharing their YOTO cards. We've loved listening to podcasts and to different stories through the yoto. If you are curious about one, by the way, send me a dm. Let's talk about it. This is something that I love talking about. So I hear them escalating and I call out to them, hey, it sounds like you guys are struggling. Do you need my support? I don't come in. I don't decide who is right or wrong. I don't decide whose turn it is. Because when I do that, I take away their ability to solve on their own. And I know that they can do this on their own. My kids are 8 and 10 now, but they've been able to do this for quite some time. And you can do it for what's developmentally appropriate for your children. So I offer, if they need support, they say no, and. And they keep going. It ends not so well. One takes the card and leaves the room. The other one gets pulled into their beliefs of how that kid, that sibling, never shares and always gets their way. And that's a space for me to come in. And I end up validating that feeling, of course. I really get that. And then I also offer a suggestion. And then we agree that we're going to come back to this as a family and to talk about what does it mean to actually negotiate. In previous times, when they've been fighting over a toy, I would take the toy and I would say, oh, this is such a hard moment. I totally get it. You both want it. And I would validate each of their feelings. And then I would say, okay, guys, let's have some solutions here. What's your solution? Okay, what's your solution? Wow, you're both saying that I get to play with it first. That's not going to work. Let's try again. And it's so cool because they actually came up with their own solutions. So by doing this, then we are teaching children to become their own problem solvers. We're teaching them to have resilience and to map out what's going to work for me and how do I create this with you. The other strategy I love doing with the kids is when one comes to me and says, mom, so and so did this. I'll say, oh, no, that feels so hard. And I'll really validate that feeling. And I'll say, do you need me to problem solve with you, or do you need me to see your feelings? And then sometimes even I'll say, I trust that you know how to go to your sibling and share that feeling with you. And sometimes I think of when they were younger. I'll say, do you need me to use your voice? And that's how I created this sense of we're all in this together, we're all working together. Instead of having a parent come in top down, being controlling. One last piece about parenting in a family. There's also this opportunity to do family mapping. We've talked about it on different podcast episodes, most recently with Alyssa Blass Campbell and her book Big Kids, Big Feelings, and then also with Dana Abraham around her book with Calm the Chaos and absolutely love that as well. And this is really about learning who each child and then being able to hold that in mind and then work with people that way. So, for example, we don't ever say that one kid is sensitive, that we say, hey, we don't. That kid doesn't like when you talk about them when they're not in the room. That's who they are. And we can respect that and then wait until they're in the room for us to have this conversation. As a psychologist and a parent of two kids, I know just how powerful it is when a child feels confident and supported in how they learn. Every child is unique. One of mine thrives with structure, while the other flourishes when they have more space and flexibility. What I've learned both at home and in my work, is that when we honor how we learn, we unlock so much potential that's why it's so important to give kids learning environments that match their needs and strengths. Because when they feel seen and empowered, they shine. This episode is sponsored by K12. K12 powered schools are tuition free, accredited online public schools for kindergarten to grade 12. They're designed to meet kids where they're at, helping them learn at their own pace, in their own environment with a flexible, engaging curriculum that supports their learning style. And the best part? You're not on your own. K12 schools aren't homeschooling. They provide state certified teachers trained in online education who bring lessons to life with hands on tools and technology. They also offer extracurriculars, social opportunities and in person events so your child stays connected and supported and inside and out of the classroom. After serving more than 3 million families and building over 25 years of expertise, K12 might be exactly what your child needs to thrive emotionally, socially and academically. Go to k12.comtracy today to find a tuition free K12 powered school near you and enroll. Now that's k12.comtracy hey, it's Paris. You know I love sparkly things, right? Like stars. Duh. And thanks to Hilton and Auto camp, I just slept under them. Picture me serving looks by the fire outside my luxurious Airstream making s' mores with the kids. While a national park is our backdrop. The great outdoors meets Hilton hospitality. That's hot. Explore all the new ways to stay@hilton.com Hilton for the stay One last piece around how growing up in a family can impact the dynamic with your sibling. And that is around triangles and triangles. This is one of the key things I talk about in my book coming up. But you may have been put in a triangle with one of one or both of your parents and also your sibling. And what ends up happening is instead of you and your sibling learning how to work things out and also fostering an environment where name calling and criticism and contempt and disrespectful behavior and language is not okay because that's rooted in our values. But instead you're in a family where there's control, where there's maybe guilt, where parents come in and tell you what to do, and that doesn't create understanding or problem solving skills within you and your sibling. Okay, let me zoom in and let's break this down. I want to start by saying that avoidance in and of itself isn't inherently bad, and sometimes it's a necessary short term strategy to protect your emotional well being. This is especially true when someone is repeatedly crossing your boundaries or Refusing to acknowledge their impact of their behavior. But here's the key. Avoidance becomes problematic when it's driven by fear and leaves you feeling stuck, disconnected and powerless. It's always worth asking yourself, am I avoiding her because I'm afraid of conflict? Or am I creating space because I value my emotional safety and peace? If it's the latter, then what you're doing might actually be a boundary and not avoidance. A boundary is about saying, this is what I need to feel safe and respected. For example, you might decide I'll engage with her at family gatherings in a polite, surface level way, but I won't go deeper because I know it's not emotionally safe. For me, that's a boundary rooted in self respect and not fear. The other piece to consider is how you're communicating your boundaries. You mentioned that you've told her her comments are hurtful, but it sounds like she either doesn't understand or doesn't care to change. And I think that's also important information to take in. So if you haven't already, you might try being even more direct, using a clear and firm formula. Like when you make comments like and give a specific example I feel and give the emotion, keep it simple. I feel hurt, I feel upset, I feel sad, I feel put down. I need you to stop making those comments if we're going to have a positive relationship. Here's the piece. Although you're stating this in a really clear formula, you're also making a request and she doesn't have to choose to take that request. And you don't get to control what she she does. And I think this is really tricky because you're trying to give her the chance to take accountability, but ultimately that's up to her. I also think there's an element in here when we communicate boundaries around using Dr. Becky's most generous interpretation or giving a positive interpretation. You might say, I know you mean well. That's the generous interpretation, right? I know you're caring. I know you're my sister. I know you love to rib me. Right? Like siblings can sometimes have that ribbing effect around it. But then being able to say that kind of comment doesn't feel good for me and then just move on. If she continues to dismiss your feelings, it's okay to prioritize your own well being. You don't owe anyone unlimited access to you, even if they're family. It's also okay to grieve the relationship you wish you had with her. That grief is real and valid. And I spend a lot of Time in my sessions with clients, navigating the hard of our sibling relationships, which includes situations like being treated differently by parents, being made the scapegoat by parents or siblings, not giving each other generous interpretations and applying these old scripts and narratives to them. And that then continues to spiral into adult relationships. You can imagine the one sibling who has the narrative, my younger sister gets everything. And then as an adult, you both have kids, but then every time your mom goes and babysits them sister's kids, you say to yourself again, my sister gets everything. The baby of the family gets everything. That's an old script being applied to current situation. But instead, looking at some of the evidence, how does your mom show up for you and your family? And if it continues to not feel fair, being able to go to mom and asking for more of what you need, not because you're comparing it to your sister, but because you're saying, I need more support. I would love to have you around more. And that's completely different than applying that old narrative to your sibling relationship at family gatherings. It's also about finding that balance. Here you are engaging just enough to maintain the peace without sacrificing your emotional safety. And that does look like the self boundaries and self boundaries sound like. I'm choosing what I share and what I don't share. I'm choosing how long I want to stay and go. I'm choosing what I let in and what I just let bounce off of me. And so if your sibling says something that doesn't feel good for you, you drop it like a hot potato, not yours to hold onto. If your sibling is asking you questions about your body and that's not a conversation you're willing to enter into because it's not safe and it also doesn't feel good for you, you change the topic. Boundaries are all about what you are willing and not willing to do. You might also consider having a plan for how to handle it if she does make an insulting comment. This is also where I love Jefferson Fisher's book, your Next Conversation, because he really breaks down and I love his perspective as a lawyer of you being able to not get defensive, of how to respond to someone defensively, of really keeping that clear message. But here's something that you could say in the moment that's really clear and simple. You calmly say, that's not okay, and then you walk away. You are not giving her power by arguing why it's not okay. You're not acknowledging more about what she's saying. You're not upping the ante. So then you become the bad one for having asserted a boundary. You're simply labeling it and then moving on and it reinforces your boundary without escalating the situation. I think there's another piece in here that sometimes we miss talking about and it's so important when it comes to our family relationships. And also I will use this term really loosely but toxic family members. And when we look at toxic family members. So in my book I have 10 toxic family dynamics that I know so many people who struggle with their in laws or extended family members are really going to identify with with. And I've actually received a lot of DMS asking is this book okay if I'm dealing with my sister in law? And the question is yes, because the dynamics are there, the strategies are there for you and your partner to get on the same team. That's exactly what we're focused on. But we start to look at some of these family dynamics and we can see these strategies of control, of manipulation, of wanting you to stay in the space, of feeling like you're responsible for everybody's feelings and that's not you. And part of becoming an autonomous individuated person is recognizing that you're not responsible for others. It's not your job to hold together a family. It's also not your job to navigate everybody else's feelings. But instead you show up respectfully. You show up knowing who you are and trusting who you are. But this requires you to have this level of acceptance. And oh wow, acceptance just stirs up so much grief for people because accepting means you don't like it, but you recognize that she doesn't want to change and that she doesn't know your truth. And I think this is especially hard in families because when we think of our wounded inner child, what do children need? All children press to just be understood, to see me, to believe me, to hear that you are really hurting me with these comments. Of course you want this. We all do. Of course you desire to feel seen and connected with your sibling or parent. But now as adults recognizing we cannot control other people, we need to shift from looking outward to getting them to change to now fully accepting that this is your truth and you know who you are and you are not wrong for feeling the way you do. I believe you. Your feelings are real. Ultimately, I think this decision is all about tuning into what really matters to you. If your value, the thing that's important to you is protecting your emotional health, then creating some distance might be the most loving thing you can do for yourself. And here's the thing. When guilt shows up, because it often does when we set boundaries, remind yourself that you're not responsible for her behavior or her feelings. You're responsible for taking care of you. And I also want you to know that you're not alone in this. And I hope this answer here gives you some clarity on how you are moving forward and that it doesn't sound like avoidance, but instead it sounds like a really powerful way to protect you. Okay, I'm grateful that you sent in this question. And if you have struggled with a sibling relationship, if you've struggled to be seen and understood by a parent or you know, those old narratives that apply to you and your family, send me a DM on Instagram. I want to hear from you and I want to hear how did you navigate that? Moving on to question two. How do I repair my marriage after a fight about my mother in law wanting to live with us temporarily? This is such a layered situation and I can imagine how emotionally charged it must be feel for both of you when it comes to repairing after a fight, especially one involving in laws, it's not just about smoothing things over, but it's also about addressing the underlying dynamics that led you to this conflict in the first place. And I also love the timing of this question because as you know, I will say it and shout it from the rooftops. My book is coming out soon and next week be sure to be sure to tune into the podcast because I'm launching something special special. So let's break this down into a few steps to help you move forward because what we're really doing here is focusing on you as a couple and focusing on the repair. I think when it comes to our in laws and when they enter into the equation, it's really easy to focus outward on them and want them to do things differently and them to change. But what we want to do first is to refocus on you, refocus on you as a couple and to help you both feel like you're on a solid footing. The first thing I want you to do is to pause and regulate before diving into the repair. It's so important to check in with yourself. Are you still feeling activated? Are you feeling hurt, angry, defensive? And if so, take some time to regulate your nervous system. This might mean going for a walk, journaling or practicing some deep breathing. Sometimes even the memory of that conversation and the conflict that you've had is enough to stir up your nervous system to say danger, danger, danger. And I know You've heard me say this before, and I say it all the time, and it has become this almost cliche therapy response. And yet I say it for a very particular reason. You have to slow it down. You have to remind yourself that nothing is on fire in your relationship. Your relationship is not on the edge of a cliff. You are having a moment that all couples get to. You're having a rupture. We all have ruptures, and ruptures do not end relationships. I think people who are more anxious in their attachment styles or who have had trust issues in the past, or you're somebody who really craves certainty and peace. You know, I think of our type nines of the Enneagrams. If you're someone who really keeps. Keeps the peace. It can be so easy to fast forward these early steps and move right into the repair when you might not actually be ready for it. Because when we're dysregulated, it's hard to have a productive conversation. You are stuck in that fight or flight mode, and I want you to think of it this way. It's like trying to have a important work meeting when you're running from the bear. You have coffee spilling all over you, you're carrying the laptop, someone's trying to make notes beside you, and you're running from the bear. You can't have an important conversation in those moments. And so instead, we need to take a beat. We need to come back to focusing. Being connected and online and to being regulated. What does that mean? Being regulated often means I can connect the emotion to the back of my brain, to the front of my brain, which is the thought, the higher level thinking. So it's no longer just about anger, escape, arguing, winning. I have to. I must. I'm so frustrated, right? And oftentimes I can even tell when people are dysregulated just by their vocal tones. Our voice gets frantic, we start to speak quicker, we get breathier, We. We just. Our. Our pitch goes up high, and it's like, why don't you ever understand me? Those are good signs that we're dysregulated. I'm actually thinking of lesson two, inside Be Connected. And it's all about identifying your triggers alongside the nervous system workshop. That's inside my program as well. All of my workshops are inside Be Connected, by the Way. And this really teaches you how to identify what your triggers are and then to also learn to come down from them. You have to have those strategies there, because when we are regulated, repair is going to be better and your partner is going to be able to calmly hear you. Because when we are regulated, the repair is going to be more powerful. You understand what's happening for you, you understand what's happening for your partner, and you're both calm enough to truly hear each other. All right, next up, you've already calmed your nervous system. Now it's about reflection. It's Pro Savings Days at Lowe's. Get up to 35% off select major appliances and save an additional $1,000 when you buy four select LG major appliances. Plus get a free Dewalt 20 volt max 5amp hour battery when you buy a select Dewalt 20 volt max tool. Get the job done for less at Lowe's. We help you Save valid through 926. Selection varies by location while supplies last. See associate@lowe's.com for more details and qualifying items. Go all in on Fall with Abercrombie Kids Their newest drop of on trend outfits are ready for everything from the bus stop to family bonfires. And it wouldn't be fall without football. Gear up. The kids with officially licensed NFL tees and sweatshirts shop Abercrombie Kids this season in the app, online and in store. Here's the piece I actually teach you in my first book, but it's all the way through Be Connected in terms of the relational aspect, and this is around differentiation. Differentiation is a key aspect to our relationships and it starts with first self awareness. Self awareness is Ooh, we're in a fight. Oh, I'm dysregulated. Wow, this is a hot button. Oh my goodness. This is what I teach you in lesson two. But the next step then is around self reflection. And you want to be able to ask yourself what was this fight really about? Because often our fights about in laws aren't just about the logistics of a situation. And in this case it would be your mother in law staying with you temporarily. But they're often about our deeper fears, needs and values. This is where lesson 3 inside be connected is one of my favorite lessons because I teach you how to go underneath the fight. It's not about not being on the same page as parents. It's not about the kids. It's not about the boundaries or the in laws or the coffee mug left beside the sink for the 100th time. It's about our deepest fears, our longings, our unmet needs. So for example, here are some questions that you can explore. Did you feel like your boundaries weren't being respected? Did your partner feel caught between loyalty to you and loyalty to your. Their parent, was there a sense of being unheard or unsupported? What is your need? And this isn't just about something like, I need to have this boundary or I need them to not live with us. It's part of the picture. But I think what tends to happen is that we fight for a lot from a place of misunderstanding and loss of connection to our true, deeper, softer, primary feelings and also our core needs. And so I think about one of the couples in the book I talk about. And so while one of them is saying, I don't want your mom to eat my food anymore, her husband says, okay, well, we'll just make more food. And it was about something so much deeper that we had to work through to be able to identify what's at the core of this. What's the needs? So I do that. In step four of my vault method, you'll learn how to identify your core needs. And this is essential in terms of learning how to compromise and to find your boundaries together as a couple. Okay. I can't help but add this here, step four in my new book. This is so important, because I haven't heard any boundary book. I haven't read any boundary book that does this. And it's about the three key things that you and your partner need to be a united front as a couple. Because boundaries aren't always just about what we're going to do on our own. It's also about what we're setting together as a couple. And you. You've got to get on the same page in order to do that. Okay, so step two, then, is really understanding the why behind the fight, and that's going to help you approach the repair with more clarity and compassion. Okay. Step three, initiate the repair with vulnerability. When you're ready to talk, lead with vulnerability rather than blame. So, for example, instead of saying something like, you never stand up to your mom, you might say, I felt really overwhelmed and scared during our conversation. So that's the removal of his mom right away. It's not even about his mom. I feel. I felt really overwhelmed and I felt scared during our conversation. I'm going to connect that feeling now to the situation. And it sounds like I'm worried about how this situation might impact us, and I want us to figure this out together. And here's the piece. We're not problem solving yet here. We're sinking into vulnerability. That vulnerability is building connection, and it's bringing your partner closer to you. Vulnerability invites connection, while blame often leads to defensiveness. There's something else here about vulnerability. Often when we repair, we're trying to control how things are gonna go. And this is the opposite of true vulnerability. A true willingness to be vulnerable is about releasing the need to control the outcome. You don't get to control what the other person is going to do. You don't get to control the next conversation. But repair is about saying, I'm willing to do this with you. I'm willing to do something different. I'm willing to just sit in this discomfort and connect with you. I'll link a podcast episode that Greg and I did about this very topic, so I'll pop it in the show notes and I hope you'll go check it out. Okay. In a repair process, we want to then acknowledge each other's perspectives. I think that's so important because you both likely had valid concerns that brought up. Maybe your partner feels a sense of obligation or guilt toward their mom while you're worried about how her presence might disrupt your home life. Take turns sharing your perspectives without interrupting or trying to fix each other's feelings. So you might say something like, I want to understand what this situation means for you, and then truly listen that curiosity and openness is an essential first step here. You cannot rush into problem solving, otherwise you'll both feel stuck. I wish more couples knew that when it comes to solving their problems, you're more likely to be able to find a solution together. When you first start with curiosity, understanding, and vulnerability, if you're not feeling connected, you will both end up digging your heels in and not wanting to find a solution together. That last piece around this repair is around collaborating on a plan. And I think this is really tricky because you've got to first feel like you've been heard before you can shift into problem solving mode. And one of the questions you can start asking each other is, what are our shared values in this situation? Like, what's really meaningful to us? How do we both overlap in this situation? It's not the value that mom lives with us, but the value of family, the value of our kids being connected to a grandparent. And then I think it's really important that each partner spend time identifying and talking about their non negotiables. Here's the piece. I always want to recognize that I also cannot speak for other cultures. I can only speak from my internal lived experience, but also to the experience of my clients. And they are experts in what they experience in their culture and religion. And so when they come to me, I Always say, tell me what it means, Tell me what those non negotiables are. What does it look like for you? You don't tell me about your parents and their choices. Tell me about those non negotiables for you and tell me what matters for you. And again, I think this is part of you and your partner coming together is we want to understand this so that we can then find areas of workability and flexibility. So for example, when I think about this scenario, what does privacy look like? What are time limits around how long your mother lives with you? What are the expectations you're both bringing into this dynamic? And then how can you make them clear in terms of what you feel in need? For example, will your mother in law be part of disciplining the children or will your mother in law contribute to the household finances or making meals or buying groceries? Will you spend every dinner with her or will you have dinners apart? These are all areas that you can talk about with what's important and what are things that you absolutely need moving forward. And I think there's this other element too when it comes to compromise is that you don't get it to be only your way. And if you want it to only be your way, that's not a relationship. But the role here is to co create what am I willing, what am I willing to bend on? And what is my absolute non negotiable be connected is a space where people walk through this compromise exercise. I have a guide in there. It walks you through it. You and your partner can do it together, but there's this other element inside which is my Dr. Tracy AI and she answers all of your questions in the moments when you need it. And that's why I wanted to create this part of my membership, because I recognize that there are moments where you're trying to go to bed, you and your partner have just gotten triggered, you've had the fight, you're in the bathroom, and you need support. The thing that I love about this is asking any other chatbot isn't going to give you a tailored approach that is trained specifically from me, an emotionally focused couples therapist, also from all of my podcasts and my trainings and my workshops. And so Dr. Tracy AI doesn't just validate you and tell you how to do things for yourself. It really considers the relational dynamics that I teach people every single day. And plus, lately it's been so cool to welcome a few new members this month and to see the questions that they're asking because I'm on the back end. And I'm ensuring that the responses are exactly how I would respond to them. So it's just been incredible to see how Dr. Tracy AI is supporting my community members. Okay, let's talk about you and your partner rebuilding connection. And I think that after a fight, it's important to intentionally reconnect. And this is part of that repair process. And sometimes this might even come first. You might even go to reconnecting before even trying to problem solve. And it might be about spending quality time together. It might be about sharing affection or simply expressing gratitude for each other or maybe even going for a walk together. There's always this piece here where you can use words. And it sounds like I know how hard this time has been for us and I know we're going to work through it together. And it means a lot to me that we're doing this together. Okay, I want to leave you with a gentle reminder. Repairing after a fight isn't about winning or proving who's right. It's about coming back to each other with curiosity, compassion, and a shared commitment to your relationship. And also for you to know that you're not alone in this and it's never too late to create a stronger, more connected partnership. All right, let's wrap up here. I'm so grateful for those of you who are submitting questions here on the podcast. For those of you who are listening, clicking play, sharing my resources, I'm so grateful. I would love to hear from you. Let me know if anything resonated from today. Let me know. If you have a question, head over to my website, submit a question. If you want to make it easy, send me a voice note. I'll play the voice note here on the podcast. You can do that over on my Instagram space. Send it through to me by email. I'm here, I'm accessible, and I just love hanging out with you. So I'm going to wrap up here. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being part of this community and I will see you next time. Take good care of you and remember, you are right where you need to be. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this information is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider. As a psychologist and a parent of two kids, I know just how powerful it is when a child feels confident and supported in how they learn. Every child is unique. One of mine thrives with structure, while the other flourishes when they have more space and flexibility. What I've learned both at home and in my work is that when we honor how we learn, we unlock so much potential. That's why it's so important to give kids learning environments that match their needs and strengths. Because when they feel seen and empowered, they shine. This episode is sponsored by K12 K12 powered schools are tuition free accredited online public schools for kindergarten to grade 12. 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