Breaking Family Cycles: The Traits of Emotionally Intelligent Mothers-in-Law (and Why It Matters for Your Marriage)

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Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy, clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go to guide for navigating Relationships, Boundaries in Laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good.

Welcome Back to Dear Dr. Tracy. This is the final episode in my five part series leading up to the release of my new book, you, you Husb and His Mother. So if you haven't yet listened to the previous episodes, make sure you go back and check them out. We started by unpacking the most common challenges that come up with Mothers in Law, then explored passive aggressiveness and boundaries with Janelle from Hey Janelle Marie. We talked about estrangement and Family Cutoffs with sit with wit psychotherapist Whitney Goodman. And last week Greg and I sat and answered your top boundary questions. I know you are going to get so much out of the book, so if you haven't yet, one of the best ways to support me is by pre ordering the book. And I've got the link in the show notes for for you Today I want to wrap up this series by talking about what emotionally intelligent mothers in law do differently and why this matters so much for healthy family relationships. One of the most common questions I get is how do I break these cycles? How do I stop repeating the same painful patterns I grew up with or the ones I see playing out between my partner and his family? And the truth is, breaking these patterns requires emotional intelligence. This is the foundation of all healthy relationships. At its core, emotional intelligence means being self aware. This is knowing what you feel, what you're thinking, and connecting it to why and also to your behaviors. It means being able to regulate your emotions instead of reacting. We talk about this ability to respond to an event where you are tapping into your wise mind. You're understanding what thoughts and feelings you're having, what urges you're having. You're not just reacting from the emotional part of your brain. We also practice activities empathy, understanding another person's experience without needing to agree, communicating clearly and repairing when you get it wrong that one's such an important one, and differentiating, recognizing that we are two separate people, responsible for ourselves but accountable for our impact. So this is what I want to explore today and I think what's really important, just as a caveat to this conversation, and I saw this post recently where it was like, this is a red flag. You're not with an emotionally intelligent person. And I think maybe the comment was even around defensiveness and this was really problematic because as we know, as you know, being part of my community here, is that the problem with social media posts is that we lose a lot of nuance. And that nuance is so important when we think about emotional intelligence. It is not a you either have it or you don't. It's actually understood as in a continuum. And that in terms of emotional intelligence, when we measure it, it isn't something that you can just determine by your interactions with that person. Because of course, here's the nuance piece, is that what happens with that person can be influenced by your relational cycle. So as we move forward today, let's avoid thinking of emotional intelligence as this category, as a black or white category. You have it or you don't. And let's also remember that as we listen that there are going to be varying degrees of this, of these different types of skills for people. And we don't want to then go to someone and say, oh, you don't do X, Y, Z, you're not emotionally intelligent. But rather there's this chance for us to be more curious about how other people show up. So. So in today's conversation, we're going to look at five different categories that capture what emotionally intelligent mothers in law do differently. And I'm also going to share some examples to bring each one to life. And before we wrap up today, I'm also going to talk about. So what do we do in our life when those people we care about aren't emotionally intelligent? Because that can be one of the hardest realities to face. One of the foundational pieces that an emotionally intelligent mother in law will do is she's going to protect the couple unit and honor their boundaries. This mother in law knows that the strongest families are built when the couple stands together. She protects that bond even when it means feeling uncomfortable herself. So she doesn't see herself as being in the middle of that bond, but instead that when that bond is solid, she's going to be included within the couple. She encourages her son to turn toward his partner, not back toward her out of guilt, obligation or loyalty to the past. She recognizes that healthy separation from the family of origin is a normal and necessary step in adult development. I talk about this in terms of the mother son relationship and that what is so important for all parents is that we have our own identities because we recognize that our only role in life is not to be a parent and that at some point our children will leave and then who are we then? What is our relationship at that point? And so in a healthy feeling family, parents recognize that their child is continuously separating from them. It starts at four weeks old when a baby realizes that their eyes adjust. They realize that mom or caregiver is separate from them. We see it at 8 months old when that little infant is pushing mom or caregiver away to go down on the floor. We see it again at 2 when the toddler yells and screams, no, I want that cookie. And I even think of my own kids right now at 8 and 10 where we agree to do something together and I'm flexible with them. And then their friends come by and they're like, hey mom, rain check on the movie date. And I say, yes, absolutely, but the next time we're totally going to do this together and then, you know, like, go and enjoy your friends. There's this constant understanding that our kids are always separating from us, that we don't own our children. That's very much coming from conscious parenting. And the work that Dr. Shefali does is recognizing kids are not ours and our job is to see them launch and to grow. An emotionally intelligent mother in law also respects the couple's boundaries. If the couple sets a limit around the holidays or parenting decisions, she doesn't take it as a rejection. It doesn't become personal. It's not about her and her lovability. She sees it instead as the couple protecting their wellbeing. I think it's worth saying here and I'll touch on this again later, but you know, oftentimes people think so, as a mother in law, I should just have no emotions. And that's not it at all. Because again, remember that healthy differentiated family, which I know is gonna be 0.5. Differentiation means we can all see our thoughts and feelings and we can all share them in a healthy way. Not that you have to be responsible for mine, but so that we can come back together and repair and move forward. I'm already jumping forward to all the points. But anyways, here we are. So here's the key piece, is that this is all self regulation in action. So if you're feeling disappointed, but you're choosing that connection over control, that is a really big sign of emotional intelligence. I think about Sam and Priya. Of course, you know I always change names in my podcasts. But here's the thing. This couple, they decided to alternate holidays and Sam's mom felt this sting of missing Christmas morning. That was a tradition that they always had and it felt really hard. But instead of guilt tripping or showing up uninvited, she text. She said, I'll miss you, but I love that you're creating your own traditions. How about I bring cinnamon rolls over on the 27th so that we can come together? And I think this is really important because this shows this level of flex and also honoring that this couple has to make their own traditions. Not to exclude family, but to then bring together what really matters to them. And I think the really cool thing is that Priya was able to talk about just how much she felt this sense of trust in the relationship with her mother in law. Number two, communicate cleanly and directly, meaning there's no triangles. You're going to learn what the triangle is that you get stuck in. Whether this is with your mother in law, your Sister in law, your father in law, maybe it's even your own mom. You're gonna learn this in your in my vault method. This is step three. It's hard to decide which one of my five steps I love. So in case you don't know, inside you, your husband and his mother, I've created this five step system. And the system is so that you can build the relationships that you are looking for. I was just on a podcast appearance recently and it was a book club and the three women said, wow, every exercise in your book was so powerful. I wish I had this book earlier. And one person said, I'm not having mother in law issues right now, but my husband and I, we're gonna have a marriage summit and work through all of those exerc because they were just so powerful. So here's what emotionally intelligent mothers in law do. They address things with the people, not about them. So if there's tension, they don't triangulate by going to their son or venting to other family members or using guilt to get their way. They go directly to that person with kindness and compassion and they work through the struggle that they're having. And I think that's so important because we know from the research that when mothers in law go to their daughters in law and gossip about other family members, that weakens their bond because that immediately says that you do the same thing to me. And we also know because the triangle is created as soon as you bring in a third person. I think there's a bit of context in here because I, I hear kind of the question that comes up here and it's like, well, if I'm having a problem with my mother in law, then do I go directly to her or is it my husband? And that's what I help you work through and make that decision in your situation. In the book, that's gonna depend on step 3, 4 and 5 with what you and your partner decide. But the emotionally intelligent mother in law can you and say, I think we've had a misunderstanding or can we talk about that moment or can we talk about that moment at dinner instead of recruiting others in their narratives or gossiping. And this actually takes a lot of courage and trust. The belief here is that hard conversations don't have to end in rupture. When you think of the people in your life, how many people come to you knowing this? And this is also where that dynamic between people shows up. And I think it's really challenging because a lot of people will say, I want to be here, come and have this conversation with me. And others are not willing to do that. I see this in friendships, I see this in romantic partnerships. I see this in workplaces. And it's tricky because it really is. And this comes back to Brene Brown's braving acronym that she talks about, which is, if I have an issue with you, I'm going to come and talk to you. And that's accountability and that's integrity and that's generosity when I come to you. It's also this idea of the vault. I think she even calls V as the vault and says, what comes to me between us stays between us also too. If you're wondering what my vault method stands for, V is for values, A is for aspirations, U is for understanding your triangle, L is limits and boundaries, and T is take action. And every step has several exercises in it for you to complete that step. But the idea of evolved was really about having this sound structure so you and your partner could be in this together and to be a solid team so that you can then deal with other people being aligned and connected. Okay, here's an example. So Nora noticed her daughter in law was growing quiet and dinner kind of felt a little uncomfortable. So the next day she sent a message to her and this mother in law said, I spoke over you yesterday and I'm sorry. I got excited about the new baby and I was giving you unsolicited advice and I wanted to follow your lead instead. And next time I want you to know I'm going to ask you before I start giving you advice. And Nora's daughter in law responded by saying, thank you for acknowledging this. We get so much advice, it's best if we don't get any right now. And everything just cleared up instantly between them. No hard feelings, ownership and how they plan to move forward.

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If you've been in my community, you know what three is. Three is you're going to own impact and prioritize repair. Here's a hard truth. We all make mistakes and the difference is someone with high emotional intelligence is that people are not going to double down, but instead they tap into repair. This mother in law can say I got that wrong. And instead of defending, deflecting or justifying, they sink right into understanding that there was an impact on you. And I really think that this is a difficult one. I've talked often on the podcast and also with Greg about how oftentimes previous generations get stuck on what's right and what's wrong. The real challenge here is that when we get stuck in trying to be right, we continue to break connection. But repair is all about connection. I had this conversation recently about repairing. It was with this couple in my therapy room and she was looking for him to own what happened. And every time she'd start to go into how she felt hurt, he would then list out all the things that he felt hurt for. And this is really tricky because when you do this like back and forth, I talk about this as like the bridge. And the bridge of connection is going to break because then one partner is not walking across the bridge to sit in the other person's experience and to say, oh, I see what that was like for you, I'm sorry. And to talk about moving forward and the behaviors that person is going to do. Taking to move forward. And then on the flip side, because here's what I want people to know. Relationships are not about only one person getting airspace. Relationships are about acknowledging both people. And so then the other person then after feeling heard, feeling that sorry, that sense of acknowledgment and repair, then that other partner walks across the bridge and hangs out in her partner's world and says, tell me about your hurt and let me then talk about ownership and acknowledgement and what I plan to do different. This reminds me of one of my client stories who told me that when she was talking about screen time, her mother in law made a flippant remark. You know, the comment like, oh, we didn't have to worry about this in our day and oh, don't you think you're being strict? I put my kids in front of tv, didn't mean it. And it was difficult because for this client, she really does experience things as coming into her. But with her mother in law, they've developed a really good relationship. And so then she was able to attune to her daughter in law and later said, ouch, I'm sorry, I took that one too far. I support your rules and moving forward. I'm not going to compare how you're parenting to how I parented. It was such a simple moment. It didn't require anything else from that and trust was restored. And it's really tricky because as I'm talking about emotional intelligence, I'm also talking about social intelligence. By the way, the original books on this that were pivotal in my early training days, especially as a couples therapist, is Daniel Goleman's two book, Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence. So if you're curious to learn more about this concept, I strongly recommend those two books. I would definitely start with Emotional Intelligence over and above any of the other ones. Okay, if just wrapping up point three because you know how much I love the repair and how important this one thing is in our relationships. When I think about the triangle, it's so important here because it really does require each person to recognize the role that they've played in getting to this moment. And I do walk you through some of those key communication strategies inside the book. And it's tricky. I think we have to understand who we are, who the people are that we're working with and how we're all going to come together. I'll talk more about that after we do four and five. All right. Four include without enmeshment. So emotionally intelligent mothers in law can include their daughters in law, but they don't intrude. And so they see their daughter in law as a person. So they make space for her to feel part of the family while also respecting her autonomy. They ask about her interests, her work and her life beyond what's right in front of her. So oftentimes beyond motherhood. I hear a lot of people say, after I had a baby, it was like I didn't even exist. And my mother in law would come over and that's all she saw and that's all she asked about was how was the feeding schedule, what was the sleep schedule, had they reached this milestone? And for so many daughters in law, they have shared with me, I felt invisible. I was just this person to produce a child. And it's so important that when we think of that relationship, because I get it, grandparents, they're excited, they have expectations and desires and wishes to be part of this next generation. And it's such a beautiful thing. And the research shows when there are healthy family relationships, grandparents have a positive impact on children. That being said, grandparents have to ensure that they continue to hold relationships with their adult children. And so the emotionally intelligent mother in law doesn't assume sameness or this over identity like saying something like I know exactly how you feel. Instead they stay curious. The skill of curiosity is a lifelong one that I want any listener to practice. Just be curious about your own thoughts about why you're feeling the feeling that's showing up about, huh, the urge that shows up as I experience this event. Curiosity around why does this person do this thing at this time? What is keeping us stuck in this cycle and what is it that's triggering inside of me? And I think the other important piece here is that the emotionally intelligent mother in law is also able to help, help with consent and says something like would it help if I came Saturday? Or do you want quiet time instead? So I put out a reel recently of one of the common struggles that shows up for people is how do I tell my mother in law not to come over unannounced. And so when a mother in law can include you into her life, it doesn't mean then that you are responsible for her needs. I think of one of my clients who became a grandmother and it is such a beautiful example of how she really included her daughter in law without this enmeshment or this anxious pursuit or escalation into am I important? Involve me in your life into that kind of feeling. And I get it because I know grandparents, it's so exciting. And so what she did though Is that she waited and said, I'm here, I have meals ready. You let me know when you're ready for me to come over. And then her son let her know it wasn't personal for how long she had to wait. It was just, I'm so glad to be here. And she only held the baby when she was asked. And instead of focusing all on baby, she focused that attention on checking in with the couple and supporting them and watching her become this grandmother over time. I just need to say this. It has not been an easy process because she has had to do some of her own grief work. She had a vision of what it would look like to be at that family's house house more often and to be needed more. And that's not exactly how it panned out. It also doesn't mean that there's a distant or unhealthy relationship. It just simply means she had to go back and look at her expectations and reevaluate them. And to this day, I know that she has a really solid relationship with both her son, her daughter in law and their baby. All right, number five, last one. The emotionally intelligent mother in law can practice differentiation. They hold flexibility and there is respect for differences. Differentiation is just at the heart of our relationships. It's also the core of what I was teaching in my first book around being two separate people, around how we come together to build interdependence. Meaning how do we have connection, how do we have autonomy? How do we see that we are two separate people, that inside of each of us we have our own thoughts, feelings, opinions, desires, wishes and values and we are all going to do things differently and that we need to respect those differences. So the mother in law who has higher on emotional intelligence is able to see that her daughter in law doesn't have to agree with everything she does to feel respected. She can hold those differences without making it mean something. About her lovability, about disloyalty or even about disrespect, she can say something like I prefer this and you prefer that and we're both good, we're both good people. And so she stays flexible. And maybe that means there is adjusting traditions, maybe it means trying new schedules or finding creative ways to honor everyone's needs. I think about this one mother in law that I worked with who had this Sunday night tradition and just really wanted to hold onto it. It was the way she connected with her kids as they grew up. It was a way they stayed close through adulthood and then when the kids had their own Children that had to change. And it wasn't the ability to do it every Sunday night. It wasn't the ability to keep it from a five to seven because of bedtimes and need to get home. But instead this mother in law, she came to me and we were able to do a lot of practicing around. Okay, let's look at your feelings here. Let's then also look at your adult child and child in law's feelings and what everybody is needing. And then what's at the core of this. And if the core is to have time and connection together, how do we then find that flexibility without making it about lovability, loyalty or respect? And the really beautiful piece around this is that everyone felt included and they were all able to adapt together on something that worked for everybody instead of the flip of that which is often control and rigidity. Okay, now here's the hard piece, is that when we go through this list of emotionally intelligent mothers in law, I know sometimes we can nod along and say, yes, that's what I need, that's what I need, that's what I need. And I think what's really difficult is that because you are building your own emotional self awareness, because you are raising your consciousness, the reality we also have to sit in is this one. We don't get to control others. You don't get to control how others experience you. You don't get to control what they do with information. You don't get to control whether they're going to come and do this work with you. Which leads to the second truth, which is we accept them as they are. We can give feedback, we can invite them into these conversations with them from a place kindness and respect. And we can even say like, you know, would you be open to hearing about some of these things of X, Y, Z. But the other piece here is that we have to accept them for who they are. And sometimes, and I talk about this in the book and there's this really beautiful section around acceptance and around grief, that sometimes we are doing this layer of work as well and that all people in the dynamic are having to do some layer of grief life. But here's the last piece, and I think that this is so important is that we choose to act from our own values. Not from place of guilt, not from resentment, not from retaliation or hostility, but instead from what really matters to us and recognizing that our values truly can change over time. What we need in one season is going to be different in another season. And so when we think about values, we don't hold rigidity. We don't have rigid boundaries. We find flexibility depending on what we need at that season. And I think this is why my vault method is so important, because it's not this. You go through this once and then you're done. But instead, in step one, you can revisit your values over and over and over again. In step two, you look at your aspirations. Maybe right now you need to go to the holidays question. I just had someone send me a message who got the questions ahead of time. And she said, I need you to know we're about to expect a baby. And the baby planning questions were so helpful. And then maybe it's about shifting what are those boundaries over time. And you do that in step four. But ultimately, the main goal here is that you and your partner are on the same team and that my vault method is about helping couples stay connected and to navigate these complex family relationships together so that you can have the next holiday event feeling different, feeling more empowered, and like you have your own sense of agency and choice. And of course, course, when I started this episode, I think I had said one of the top questions I get is, how do I break these cycles? How do I get to show up and be the type of mother in law that I want to be? In the back of the book, there's two sections I absolutely love. And by the way I narrated it, my voice did not sound this crackling after doing weeks of media. But the last two sections, one is if you like when you become a mother in law and how to become the mother in law that you want to be. And the other one is, I wrote five notes to your husband because your partner needs to hear this. And maybe, or maybe it's, you're getting it and your wife needs to hear it from you. But either way, the person who's more resistant or who isn't yet on board doing this, I don't want to say resistant. Maybe not yet ready. I'm gonna, I'm gonna backtrack that, but we won't edit it out. Someone who's not ready yet, or it's really struggling to take the next step. I wrote this page, I wrote these pages in the back to say, like, hey, let's do this work, work. I got side railed there. Let me come back to what I wanted to say. And that is that the most common question I get is, now that I've experienced this, how do I not repeat it? And I want you to spend time thinking about these five different ways that you show up and you can start doing that now. And here's the other piece that really helps you to raise your level of consciousness, which is that you get to model this to everybody in your life. I think somebody left me a comment recently saying I had to gentle parent my mother in law or I had to gentle parent my mother. And there is validity in this because what we do is we validate, we see the feeling and then we set the boundary. That is relationship, that is co creation, that is trying to move forward. And so when you model those things, when you model repair instead of waiting for them to repair, when you model what it means to respect differences, then there is a chance that something could be different. And I know when I say that, I mean I'm just giving so much hope out and I know for so many people listening, they're gonna also feel like, I've tried everything, Dr. Tracy, and I'm just gonna hold space for those people. I see you. I know you've tried everything. And my book is still gonna support you to set those boundaries that you need to set right now. All right, let's wrap up. Thank you so much for joining me for this five part series. I can't wait for Tuesday. Whew. As you're listening to this, we are just moments and days to this book coming out. This is my second book. I truly hope these conversations have helped you see your family relationship in a new way. One that honors both connection and autonomy. Because that is all what I'm about is building interdependence. And there's two things I'm going to ask you. So first, if you haven't yet, the best way to support me is to go and pre order the book. You, your husband and his mother, wherever you buy books on all different formats, inside you're going to find real life stories, scripts and tools to help you build a secure, united relationship with your partner while navigating family dynamics. Comics and if anything stood out for you. Today, I read all my reviews. So the best thing that you can do to support the podcast is to click, subscribe, leave a review, leave a few stars. All right, until next time, I'm going to remind you you are right where you need to be and I am truly grateful we get to do this together. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this information is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider.

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