Differentiation in Parenting: Raising an Autonomous Child

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How do I ensure I'm not creating an enmeshed relationship with my son? That is the question I'm answering today, and it is one of the most common questions I get, especially when I talk about family patterns of enmeshment and codependency when it comes to dealing with your mother-in-law. If you haven't yet, be sure to check out my book, You, Your Husband, and His Mother. And if you're one of those people wondering, how do I become the mother-in-law who's not repeating these patterns? I've got you covered. In the last section in my book, I walk through 3 phases of becoming the mother-in-law that you want to be. Here's the first thing I want you to consider when it comes to you and your child. Along the lifespan, your child is supposed to be differentiating from you. It starts as early as 4 weeks old when their eyes adjust and realize that they are a separate being from you. Around 8 months old, your child is starting to separate from you. They're going to push you away when they want to go down and play on the floor. Throughout life, they are continuously creating this sense of autonomy, and it's our job to meet them in those developmental stages. So that's going to look different when they're 8 months old, 2 years old, 10 years old, 18, et cetera. And the goal as parents is to be able to meet them in that space that they are. I think about the parent who says, give me a hug. No, I want the hug. Oh, you're not gonna give me a hug.

Well, mommy's sad.

That doesn't feel good. That right there is putting it all on yourself rather than meeting your child and saying, oh, right now, hugs don't feel good.

I get it.

I'm here when you want to have a hug. That is one of the first things that we continuously want to be aware of, and it requires us to have to slow down as parents and to see our child for who they are and what stage they are at. One of the things that you can do to help you with this is to remember that you and your child are two separate people. I use this analogy when it comes to couples as well. So in all relationships, that you in your relationship— I'm holding one hand, I'm gonna actually make a circle. Inside this circle, you have your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, desires, wishes, and values. And that's you as an autonomous self. And then you have the other person, in this case, your son, your child. And inside your child, they have all of their own thoughts, feelings, opinions, desires, wishes, and values. Now, where we start to create fusion and codependency and enmeshment in families is when you start to say, Whatever I think and feel should be the same as yours. And so taking one hand and putting it on top of the other hand, that's fusion together. Or if my son feels this way, then I feel that way too. It can work both ways. And through that, you lose the separation. A healthy relationship instead recognizes that you both have your own opinions, desires, feelings. And part of building a healthy relationship is how we can come together and still be two separate selves. So I'm bringing my hands together and linking them, but you can still see two different people within that coming apart and coming back together. We're not lumping ourselves on top of each other. That is a healthy relationship. So healthy relationships are able to see the self, what is inside of me, and also the other person. Now there's another piece in here. What is inside the other person is going to trigger things inside of me, and I want to be aware of that so that I'm not reacting, but instead I can be responsive to it. Here's an example. This happened with my son recently. He came inside and he said, "Mom, I really wanna play with my friends. They're at the park." And he's at the age now where he wants that autonomy to be with his friends, to play sports and to be outside and to be away from me. We had previously decided that this was a time we were gonna hang out together and plans changed. So I said to him, hey bud, I'm so glad you came to me. Glad you asked. Yes, I know how important your friends are to you. That's me living in his space, me understanding what matters to him. And we agreed then that we would find another time to come together. And then he went out to the park and played with his friends. Here's something that is important about this. Now I know a lot of people will say, well, you're teaching your child how to cancel plans with you. Not at all, because relationships are about flexibility and In our relationship, what I want to teach him is that he can come to me with anything. Now, if I had bought movie tickets, we were just going to watch a movie in the basement together. If I had bought movie tickets or we had a plan that required me to change my schedule and it was the only time that we could do it, that's a completely different scenario. And one of our values as a family is truly to hold our commitments to each other and to not cancel or change our plans last minute. However, that being said, this was a loose plan and I could see that there was something that was important to him. What we were doing could be rescheduled. And so I went from there. I wanted to share this example because there are a few things that I want you to see so that you can embody in that relationship to not create enmeshment. So here they are. One, that our children learn they can come to us with all feelings and all needs because we are not going to take them personal. They are not about us. Imagine if he came to me and I said, "Oh, I'm so sad. What will I do?" He learns in that moment, guilt, that he has upset his mother. Now, of course, I have my own feelings and my reactions to things. That wasn't a time for me to share that. There are other times where I do share that, but I always have the caveat of this: I'm upset at the situation. I'm not upset at you. And I'm allowed to have my own feelings and you are not responsible for them. So that brings me to part number 2. So part 1 is he can come to me for anything and mom doesn't take it personal. Part 2, he's not responsible for my feelings. He's not responsible for my identity. It is so important for us as mothers, as parents to have our own identity outside of our children, because inevitably what is appropriate for their development is that they are going to be spending more time away from us. Their identity comes from being with their peers. And so as that starts to happen, when they get older, that's the time we want to be in ourselves, having our own identity and doing things that fill us up. Our children need to see us having our own identities. And there's one more piece that we can ensure we are not creating enmeshment with our children, which is that we support their choices and their choices are not a reflection of us. They are not tied to us and they are not about meeting our own approval or what we wish we had done or what we think is the best approach for them. I overheard this conversation between two women in a coffee shop one day, and without all of the details, I do think it's a great example of how we as mothers can put out our opinions to our children and that creates tension in our own relationship with our kids. So she was talking about her son dating a woman who was a few years older than him, and that she was concerned that this woman was pressuring her son to move in together and to get engaged. Now, her son was 25, and she had said to her friend that she was talking to her son about her concerns about his decision. Now, right here, a 25-year-old, that is someone who developmentally needs to be able to go and make those decisions and to not worry about whether mom is happy or upset with their choices. I think this is one of the hardest things for parents is this idea of— and clinically the word is separation and autonomy and individuation, but it is this willingness to step back. One of the ways I like to talk about this with my clients is that you as a parent, you do not need to insert yourself. You do not need to make sure your kids never fail or they never struggle, but instead that you are a safe place. For them to land. That's what our children need. And that is also healthy autonomy and healthy relationships that are not enmeshed or codependent moving forward. So 4 things to consider to help avoid the enmeshment that so many families struggle with. One, you and your child are 2 separate people and your thoughts, opinions, desires, wishes, and values, they're supposed to be different. Two, they can come to you. Knowing that their feelings and needs are safe with you and that you are not going to judge them or make their feelings and needs about yourself. That's the practice of depersonalization. 3, you have your own identity. And 4, you support their choices. They might not be the same as yours, and that's okay because making mistakes is also part of how we learn and grow. I'm curious to hear from you. What have you done raising your children to ensure that you have those healthy relationships and allowing them to grow and also come to you and talk to you about those hard things? Tell me in the comments, let me know. And of course, thank you for clicking play today. Thank you for being part of this community, and I'll see you next time.