Honest Motherhood with Libby Ward: Losing Yourself and Finding Your Way Back

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Today's conversation is for every mother who has ever thought, I love my kids, But I don't recognize myself anymore. Motherhood is often talked about in extremes. Either it's the most beautiful season of your life, or it's something you're supposed to quietly power through. But what happens if both truths can exist at the same time? When you feel deep love and deep exhaustion, gratitude and grief, connection and loneliness. My guest today is someone who has built a powerful platform around telling the truth about that tension. Libby Ward is a creator, speaker, and fierce advocate for women and mothers. Her work has been featured on the BBC and Good Morning America, and she is part of Reese Witherspoon's Hello Sunshine Collective. Through her writing and social media, Libby connects with millions of women by bringing honesty, humor, and humanity to the realities of modern motherhood, creating spaces where moms feel seen and empowered to reclaim their time, their voice, and their well-being. Her new book, Honest Motherhood: On Losing My Mind and Finding Myself, explores her personal healing journey and what it really looks like to become both a more present parent and a more whole person. Today we're talking about the invisible emotional load of motherhood, identity shifts that no one prepares us for, and what it means to tell the truth, even when that truth feels uncomfortable. Let's go into today's session. Libby, I'm so glad you're here with me today because what I had said just before we clicked record is that I get to turn the tables, and we are actually meeting today not just to have another really great conversation because we've done that before on the podcast, and I loved having that chance. I can't even believe that was back at the end of 2022, which is so long ago now.

So long.

But today we are actually going to sit and talk about your book coming out, because you have been such an advocate for both of my books, and I'm so grateful for our connection. And then for me to get to do this with your book coming out on April 14th— it's almost here. So gosh, when I was preparing for today's conversation, I was actually having even one of those moments that I think so many of us can relate to, where I had just gotten home, one kid was asking for me to sign homework The other one was asking about wanting a playdate, and then I was getting pinged on my phone, and just everything was coming in at me at once. And I remember in this moment just really thinking, or feeling even, like I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, but I just had this internal voice that was like, does anyone not see how hard I'm trying? Like, I, I'm just doing so much in this moment. And it's one of those moments I think so many of us can connect to where it's We're not failing, but we're also not thriving and we're not functioning and we feel stretched. And I think there's this dilemma that you talk about so much, which is that we chose this life, we wanted this, and then at the same time— and I love my kids— but at the same time, there's this quiet grief that shows up for so much of us. And I thought maybe that would be a really good starting place, is how In your experience and in your journey, how do we make space for that grief while also not drowning in mom guilt?

Well, that's a good question. And it's like the question of motherhood and life, isn't it? How do you make space for all the hard feelings that also accompany all the joy and the goodness and the things we actually really wanted? How do you hold space for two things being true at the same time? And that's something that I couldn't do when I first became a mom. And in the first several years of being a mom, I You know, I felt like I was nailing it for the first few years with my firstborn, who in hindsight slept and ate and did the things that babies do, even though it was hard. And then when my secondborn came along and the pressure of motherhood happened and being the default parent became harder work and the mental load became heavier and the grief that I felt about not having the support system that I thought I was going to have grew and the load was so heavy that I was breaking, but at the same time, taking on full responsibility and blame and shame for that breaking rather than acknowledging, oh, hey, this is actually really hard and you're doing your best. And yes, you love your children, but it's okay to say that it's hard. I entered this sort of, what is wrong with you? Why can't you keep up? Everybody else seems to be loving it. Everybody else seems to be nailing it. You're failing. You're not a good mom. You must not love your children. And the journey I ended up going on was one that brought me to a place where I could finally recognize two things can be true, and that I don't have to be perfect at motherhood, and I don't have to nail it to acknowledge that it's hard, and to know that I also still love my children at the same time. I mean, the book is called Honest Motherhood not just because I started out as Diary of an Honest Mom and people know me for being honest. It's because it takes you on my journey, which is my journey to realizing that I needed to be honest with myself. And so when we talk about those moments when it's like the dog is barking, the kids are asking questions, everybody needs you, it feels like Nobody is seeing everything that you're doing. Upon further reflection later on in my journey, I realized that's because I didn't see it for myself. I couldn't be honest with myself to say, you actually are carrying a lot. And it is a lot for one person to mother in the modern day age. And if we can't acknowledge for ourselves, this is hard work, this is valuable work, this is important work, then how can we expect others? Not how can we expect them to, but that's almost like for me, it's, I realized it was deeper than nobody else is seeing it. It was actually like I wasn't seeing it. And once I started recognizing, oh, this is a lot of work and it is hard to reparent yourself and it is hard to remember all the things, I was able to give myself a little bit more grace and allow the grief to exist.

You have done such a beautiful job of naming it. And I know that's one of the reasons so many people connect with you and your journey is that it, it does feel like motherhood is just this layer on one more thing, do one more thing, carry it all and carry it all alone and silently. And while you're happy and pleasing and caring for everybody, and it's exhausting because I can remember even myself, I have a picture, I think my youngest, so my second was 5 months old. And it's a picture of all 3 of us crying. So she's in the little swing thing safely in the kitchen. My son's in my arms crying. And I took, I snapped the picture because I wanted to remember this really painful moment. And it was a night where Greg was working, so he was not at home when I would parent. I was also on the year maternity leave that we get in Canada, which is such a gift compared to other places, U.S. specifically. Um, but I think that was the night where I went to wipe my son's bum after using the potty on the floor, and he yelled at me, and I clapped in his face because I was like so triggered and overwhelmed. And so then I was crying, and then the dog ate poop from the potty, and I was cleaning up that mess, and then we're all just crying. And I remember just thinking, but I signed up for this. Like I said, yes, I love my kids, but then why is it that I feel like I've just completely lost myself? And, and really it is because there's so much messaging to women and mothers that you should just be happy and grateful instead of this idea of how do we hold those two truths and those two feelings of tension.

Well, and then what other job in the world are you expected to just enjoy it despite the difficulties? I mean, any difficult— anything in the world that is hard and good and worth— like, anything that is worth doing is going to have a level of difficulty with it. You know, like, a neuroscientist isn't going to do the work they do. A brain surgeon isn't going to do the work they do and expected to never say, oh, this is hard work. We acknowledge, like, that's incredible that you can do that work, and it must be difficult. So why is that so hard to do as, as mothers. And it's so interesting that you talk about snapping the picture. I think that's really important. And I feel like more of us should, because when I think back to the first time I realized, wait a second, motherhood is not what other moms made me think it was going to be. Like the mothers I was surrounded by made me feel as though motherhood was like the ultimate achievement and would just solve all of my problems in life and be nothing but joy and giggles and delight. And then when 2 weeks after I had my first baby, she became hospitalized. Diagnosed, which I share about in the book, it was terrifying. And I felt alone and I felt like I needed to have all the answers, but I didn't have all the answers. And I was exhausted and afraid and like woefully unprepared. We spent 2 weeks in the hospital, not getting answers, being filled with fear, not knowing what to do. And I didn't take pictures. And I, at the time, didn't realize why I wasn't taking pictures. I think it was some sort of like, this was not the postpartum I was expecting. You know, this is not how I expected to enter motherhood. And I don't even want to really remember this. Like, I want this to just go away and for this to be a distant memory. Like, if and when we go home from the hospital with our healthy baby, I want to not be looking back at these pictures of her with all these wires on her and all of these tests and all— like, her in this, like, big hospital bed. And it was such a dark time for me, and I didn't take pictures. And I think it's because I didn't want to acknowledge just how hard it was or that it was real, which looking back now and knowing what I do now, which is say the things that are hard and say the honest truth about what it's actually like, it's so— it just shows the contrast between like, I didn't want to remember it, I didn't want to take pictures, I didn't want to acknowledge it. And I think for a lot of moms, we all have our version of that, right? Like whether it's 2 weeks postpartum or 2 years postpartum or after the third kid, whatever it is, that feeling that If I just keep going, if I just keep doing the hard thing, if I just keep taking on more and I keep hypervigilant and I do the things, then it'll be okay. And then maybe if I just focus on the positive and I get the things done, then I'll feel okay. When really, you know, for me and for a lot of people, it's actually when you acknowledge the hard things and you say the true things and you face the difficult things that you can eventually find your way through to, okay, well, what's going on and how can I make this easier?

Oh, you've hit on so many pieces in there, Libby, because I know so many people have that moment where you put your head on the pillow at night, and it's this— I used to ask myself this, which was, was I a good mom today? And it can be so skewed by our internal narratives if we're not aware of what those narratives are. And for me, I was so cute. And of course, I talk about this in lots of different ways, and one of the reasons why I started my podcast back in 2019 was to have these real conversations, to show up as a mother and a professional, because so many people would look at me and say, 'Oh, it's probably easy for you, you know, you're a psychologist, you know all the things to do.' No, it was so hard. And because my mind was trained constantly to find the not enoughness, that I would ask myself that every night and find all the moments where I was not enough. And then even this idea of— I would look back at pictures of us smiling, but it still didn't feel connected and grounded. And I think that's one of the reasons why I've always loved what you've shared, is this idea of, you know, there's this, um, conflict between It's so hard. And can we acknowledge that you are enough? And those, those two feel really sticky together, but they're part of the journey that you don't have to have one valid to erase the other.

Right. And just because it's hard, it doesn't mean you're not doing a good job. I think that's a lie a lot of us believe in that I believed for a long time is that because I'm not enjoying every moment, because I don't like someone screaming in my ear and slapping me in the face at the same time. Like that must mean I'm doing a bad job, or because my child cannot regulate their emotions, I must be doing a bad job. It's not that they are a 3-year-old who literally doesn't know how to do that yet. It's that I'm a horrible mother, or because I am full of resentment and rage because I haven't slept properly in a year and a half, that can't possibly be a biological reaction to being sleep deprived that I'm not enjoying the day. It has to mean that I suck as a mother. And that I'm not enough. It's just so wild that we look at motherhood through a completely different lens to everything else in our lives.

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I share in the book about my husband who works as a police officer, and so he, for, you know, 8 years, the 8 first 8 years of my motherhood, worked a rotating day-night shift. And so he was gone a lot or at home sleeping a lot, and so I was the default parent and because he was the sole income earner, I prioritized his needs and his sleep because he was the one earning money or more money. I prioritized that all the while not acknowledging that I was the one predominantly raising actual human beings and that that is also valuable and that my sleep is also valuable. And so it's just so wild how we, you know, we like invalidate and devalue everything we do when we look at it through this lens of if it's hard, that means we're bad at it. If we're not enjoying it, it means we don't love them when really it's not true. Like, can we start saying these things are hard, I'm not enjoying it, and also I love my children and I'm trying my best?

There's this thread of invisible loneliness that shows up in motherhood, and it's this piece of— I think you're touching on that, of, you know, if my husband's going to work, one partner is out, And then we prioritize their sleep and their sense of self, their careers and being okay there. And, and yet for us then at home with the two kids, sleep deprived, and yet your partner couldn't do those things if you weren't home, right? And your, your wellness matters just as much. I think about the couples that I work with where the one partner says, well, I'm going to be tired. I have a big presentation the next day. And that's why I can't wake up with baby. And it's the, uh, right, but she is running the most important job here and you can do your presentation tired, right?

And it's like we're expected to perform all of our roles no matter how tired we are, how sleep deprived we are, the last time we've had an adult conversation, you know, no matter how many of our needs are unmet, we're still expected to perform at a higher rate than everybody else and to do all the things we need to do. But our partners, you know, they should have all their needs met because they're going to do a presentation or to do their job. And just, I think it shows even how we've internalized this idea that mothering is not as valuable and that our time is not as valuable and that pouring into our children is not that important, which is so confusing in this society where it's like, oh, kids are the most important thing. Babies are the most important thing. They're sort of put on this pedestal as like children are the most precious things in the world. And yet we treat the people who are predominantly the ones responsible for raising them into functioning, thriving adults like they're the least important in society. And so then how, how is a mother to show up in the way that her kids need as consistently as she wants to if her needs are not prioritized either by society and culture and her household at large, and also like herself, like myself, right? It's like this idea where there's the external piece where it's like the world is treating us this way. And so then we internalize it and we treat ourselves that way and we invalidate ourselves. And that just adds to the, like, what's wrong with me? When really we should be saying, like, what's wrong with society that we are so undervalued?

Oh my goodness. The thought I'm having as I'm listening to you is I just wish we had this understanding before having a child because so much of what you share really is also the pieces I came to be enlightened about as a mother myself. It's different when I'm working with clients, but as a mother with myself, I didn't have this understanding. I didn't understand that I will constantly question myself and feel like I'm not enough and not good. And, um, just for people who are listening, I just want to make sure we plug this again, that we are talking about your book Honest Motherhood: On Losing My Mind and Finding Myself, which comes out on April 14th. And when I think about you going through this journey, Libby, and doing this work, I think about how this can be a seismic shift for a relationship. And I'm wondering even about whether you guys experienced any of that tension that shows up when one person is doing this evolving and growth and personal work, and then the other partner maybe wasn't doing it with you.

Yeah, I mean, it's such a multifaceted question because it's not like I was learning about and growing in my understanding of my role as a mother and woman in terms of being the default parent and the carrier of the mental load and our gender roles within our house and what we do to raise our children. It's not like I was just doing that completely separately to the work I was doing on myself. In therapy overall, in dealing with my codependent relationship with my mom, in dealing with my own self-sacrifice, self-denial, martyrdom tendencies, and all the ways that I became a people pleaser and all the ways that I struggled to say no and all the ways that I didn't know how to self-regulate. Those things were not happening completely separately. They were sort of happening in tandem simultaneously. And so it's been interesting in my relationship how to navigate both of those conversations and how they connect to one another and how I, you know, I prioritized Greg's needs above my own without being asked to. And actually in many cases, in direct opposition to what he had said, oh, you don't need to shush the kids while I'm sleeping after a night shift. It's okay. I can sleep anyway, but I would do it anyway. Because I just naturally prioritized his needs. Oh, you don't have to cook this, you know, whole foods meal every night for dinner when I get home from work and change the time you eat every single day because I'm done work at a different day. For me, just eat at the same time, like eat at the same time and feed the kids when they need to be fed. But I still did it anyway because I wanted us to eat as a family. And so I put all this pressure on myself. And, you know, there was just the conversations we didn't have when we first had kids. And I actually like most couples don't, right?

They don't have— right? We just act automatically, right, on the roles that we saw mirrored to us.

And I, I liked cooking, I liked cleaning, I liked feeling in control, I liked playing house, I liked planning parties. I actually loved doing those things, and I had no way to know how much work those things would be once I had two children. And so I naturally started doing those things because I enjoyed it, and we fell into that, not even because that's what was modeled. You know, Greg actually had a model of two parents who shared the load equally, I had a single mother who didn't necessarily always prioritize my needs, and I was living in reaction to that. So our dynamic was just interesting in that we didn't have that, you know, men do this and women do this role. I just wanted to be so different to the mother I had growing up that I sacrificed my needs at every chance I could so that I could be the selfless mother and the good wife. And it wasn't until I broke after having 2 kids, one with extra needs, not enough support, and a husband gone a lot of the time that I realized how much I had just taken on without ever even having a conversation about it. And so change happened slowly and quickly in that I didn't have to convince Greg that my needs mattered. And not every woman is privileged enough to be in that position. I didn't have to convince him that the work I did at home was valuable. He knew that it was. But we did have to have a lot of conversations around what it was doing to me and how much time it actually took and where we could find that balance between, okay, what can you carry? What can I carry? And it was a lot of conversations over a lot of time to sort of make those changes and figure out how we had ended up in the place that we could. And so I'm so grateful that we've been able to make changes and we share the load so much more equally now, but it's not as straightforward as, you know, you know, these 30-second Instagram clips can make you feel like, and it does create changes in your relationship where it's like, even though my husband values my time, even though he values my well-being, even though he wants to share the load equally, it doesn't mean it's simple and straightforward to figure out what that looks like and how we can both be whole people at the same time as raising children, because it's just hard and there's not enough time in the day.

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Go to your happy price. Priceline. From a couples therapist perspective, I often think of just how unprepared we are on so many different levels— on the individual, but then also the relational piece— to become parents, because you both are undergoing this massive identity change, and then all of your old stuff is literally bumping up against each other, but you might not have the skills or the words even to describe that to each other. And So people listening, Libby and I both have husbands named Greg. And so it, it is, it's not the same Greg. It's, it's tricky because if your partner isn't there to hear you and to meet you in that, it does feel like you're talking to a wall or you're, you're bumping up against each other in such really difficult ways. And I think that can, for many people, lead to more loneliness in motherhood. There's more— this feeling more of, okay, I'm all alone in this. What do I do? For anyone who's listening, what, what's, what's been helpful for you guys to have these conversations? Was there an in? You already talked about how Greg is open to this and being able to say, like, I'm not asking you to do all of that. What do you think is helpful?

I will just say one thing before I answer that. That I was thinking when you were talking about how we end up gaslighting ourselves, that when you start having these conversations and your partner is not hearing you and the way that you're trying to explain yourself, like we already beat ourselves up and say, I'm not enough. The reason it's hard is because I can't do it and I'm a bad mom and I can't handle it. And then when you finally get the courage to have a conversation and you're met with, it's not that hard or it's not that whatever, it just adds onto the messaging that you already have on yourself. And it's So it's so much easier to then retreat and be like, oh, they must be right, or it's not worth the energy. I already don't have energy, which is why we're having this conversation. I don't have the energy to then have this conversation. And it becomes this cycle where you then just carry it all yourself because it's not worth having the conversation.

I remember, just as you say that, I remember actually how Greg would say, well, why don't we call family to come in? And the earlier days, say like the first year after one of our kids were born, and I remember saying at one point, no, because it's actually— so our family lives at distance, so they come in and they live with us. It's actually not. And, and family is super helpful and supportive. They care for our kids greatly. We're so lucky to have those grandparents in our lives. And at the same time, that wasn't the solution for me to have another helping hand. It wasn't what was going to help the whole system, because while that would be helpful for 5 days while they visited, it wasn't changing the entire system or even changing the stuff that was inside of me that I kept bumping up against.

Yeah. And I, to answer your question about what that change looked like, it was a lot of conversations and a lot of practice. One of the biggest things that made a difference for us is the understanding of the full scope of tasks. So if we take the example of cooking dinner and everything that goes into cooking dinner from knowing your kids' food aversions to knowing the allergies to knowing what's in the fridge to knowing what ingredients go into it to finding the time. When are you going to find the time to go get it, picking it up, and then coordinating when you're going to cook it with all the other responsibilities? The biggest change happened when Greg started having practice and experiences where he had to be in charge of the full thing from start to finish. Maybe not always, maybe not all the time, but me letting go of control enough to be like, he's gonna do it and it's okay if he fails. So that's a big piece. But then him actually seeing it and seeing where there can be breakdown if one thing isn't thought of, or if you don't think about the aversions and then you go to all the effort to doing all those pieces of getting a meal on the table, and then one of the kids doesn't eat, and then you have to deal with the emotional dysregulation that comes, and you have to deal with this, like the whole domino effect. Well, then that's going to teach you, oh yeah, when I am making the grocery list, I have to remember XYZ. And so it really took practice in— and that's just one example. You know, laundry is another example. If you, you know, shrink the 8-year-old's favorite sweater because you put it in the dryer and you shouldn't have, you have to deal with the 8-year-old, and your pocketbook has to deal with going to get a new sweater or whatever it is. But if, if they're only in charge of little pieces here and there, then they're never going to like feel the real ramifications of not doing the thing. It's just like even in running a business, right? If you're running a business and there's a project that needs to get done and it's the project manager, the person that's in charge of all of it, that feels the ramifications if one thing doesn't go right. And so then they start to understand why, oh wait, when I didn't pick up the groceries like I was asked to, my wife isn't just pissed off because I didn't pick up the groceries. She's pissed off because not only does she have think about when are we going to go get the right thing? Are we going to have enough time? If we don't, then this is going to happen. Then the kid's going to do this and that's going to affect the hockey schedule. Like it, it has a domino effect and it's not until they have experiences and practice at seeing where all the little things matter that it, I think it really starts to click. And then they understand it's not just about you forgetting the pasta. It's about everything that's going to happen because I forgot The pasta.

I, gosh, I, I just deeply connect. So we're, we're talking about Eve Rodsky's conceptualization, planning, and execution, the CPE, and her Fair Play, which I love. That was a game changer for me, Libby, because I remember even with couples when I started working with them in 2006, I would say, okay, let's make a list, let's look at the list. And of course, who's making the list? The wife in a hetero relationship is making the list. And it was such a— when I had this aha moment after reading that and discovering this about the mental load and the invisible visible labor, it was like Oh my word, I've missed this clinically for so long with, with my clients. And the story I remember this with our— so I had two kids at that point. I think I was at home on mat leave still. We were out of ketchup. So Greg's door handle and I yell out, he's kissing the kids goodbye. He's running at the door. He's already late. We've had meltdowns. I'm like, don't forget the ketchup because we're having chicken nuggets that night. Safe food for my oldest. And then he gets home and I say, where's the ketchup? And he says, I forgot. And we're all sitting down with the chicken nuggets and fries on the table and my son just melts down because you need ketchup. And so it is, it is really interesting when you start to think about who carries all of this knowledge and then how can you start addressing this system?

Yeah. How, how do you do that? And I have a similar story in my book where I talk about when I was like in the thick of young kids, I had, they were 3 and 5 or something like that. My daughter had a dance recital. And, you know, I was in charge of getting everything ready for going to the recital. It was the kids' birthday month, all the things happening. We go to the dance recital. I have the list. I ask him to take care of our, our youngest while I'm watching my daughter, our eldest, do her dance recital. And she does it beautiful. We're about to head home. I'm like, oh wait, we need to get some pictures. So I take pictures of my daughter on her own, my daughter and son, my daughter and my husband, the three of them, da da da da, take a selfie. And I'm kind of waiting the whole time. I'm waiting for him to be like, let me take a picture of you with our daughter. And it doesn't happen. And it doesn't happen. I can like feel the rage and resentment building.

And you know, it was sort of at this moment, feeling of not being seen.

Yeah.

All the things you got everybody to this moment, you're celebrating and, and I'm not seen.

Yeah. I'm, I'm not seen. And I have carried all the mental tasks to bring us to this moment. All the tasks from today and the month and everything to her outfit. And all I want is for you to consider that I might want my picture with our child without having to ask, without having to make the list and then convey the list to you. Like, does it enter your brain at all? And he didn't ask. And eventually I, you know, I said, hey, can you take a picture? So we took a few and we were on our way. And I just remember driving home with this feeling of resentment and being like, do I address it? Do I not address it? Is it worth the energy? And so I did finally speak up and and talked about, like, it would be nice if you had just offered to take the picture. And he said, well, all you had to do is ask. And that moment just stands out to me as something that every single mother has felt, where it's like, I think of everything. Like, I think of every single moving piece. I carry the mental load of that. And then I communicate that if you're helping. And can you even consider that I might want to be in this? Can you carry that mental task? And I think it's something that so many women struggle with, and we don't know how to start having the conversations because like, how do you convince someone to choose to think about something? How can you— how can you make someone choose to think, which is a silly concept, but it's— it's necessary. And that was really like one of the first moments when I was like, okay, I need to start conveying just how much lives in my head. All the time and how much this matters to me. And so that's kind of where, where it started for us. And yeah, it's hard to have the conversations, and it's absolutely necessary if you don't want to be burnt out and resentful for the rest of your life.

And I think what's so important in there too, Libby, and I could just feel that in my gut, is it's just like, it's not an attack on your partner.

No.

Share the feelings that you're having and your lived experience. And I think that's where couples struggle so much in this process of parenthood, is that everything Feels personal. You're, you're talking about this really honest conversation that people need to have. And so when I think about your book, people are going to grab your book because this is— I, I mean, I have been on the outside watching you write this, and I remember we were in Niagara, and I remember you're writing an early chapter of it. Like, I'm, I'm so proud of you because I'm holding your book now, which is amazing. And I think about your journey and all that you've shared and what you teach people and the wisdoms that you offer us. And I'm wondering if someone's listening, thinking, I've lost myself. I don't even know who I am. I'm just in this functioning. What's the first honest conversation she needs to have?

The first thing she needs to do is be honest with herself. You know, I, it's kind of ironic that the book is called Honest Motherhood, because when I first started sharing online, I sort of went out with this idea that we need to be honest with each other about motherhood. And we do. And it is helpful to have conversations with one another. It helps with shame and loneliness and helps us find answers. But in my journey, in my many years of therapy and the many books I've read on attachment and authenticity and the practice and work of healing my trauma and having hard conversations with my partner and saying no in my life, I've realized that the first thing I did and the first thing any of us need to do is be brave enough to tell yourself the truth. Whether it's, I am not okay and I need help, or I am carrying an unbearable load, or I am not enjoying myself. Being brave enough to tell yourself the truth is like the most important first step, because how are you going to share it with anybody else unless you can be honest with yourself? Be honest about the fact that the systems in our world.

Bringing tears to my eyes. I just have to— like, for people listening, they can't see it, but I'm having tears come to my eyes because it's—

yeah, it's like, can we be honest about how the systems are set up and our culture is set up to make it harder for us, and be honest about the fact that we might have our own past trauma, icky stuff that we have to deal with that makes us people pleasers, and that makes it feel impossible to say no, and that makes it feel like you would rather peel your skin off than have a difficult conversation with the people you love. Like, can we be honest about the fact that our past makes it hard for us to like honor our value and our worth and our needs to be a human person and be honest about the fact that society makes it harder so that we can go, okay, based on all of that, what can I do? What is the first step? And for one person, it might be you need to have a conversation with your partner. And for another person, it might be you need to pick up and call a therapist, you know? And so it's going to be different for everyone. For someone else, it might just be, you know what, Maybe you need to start making a list every morning and look at it and say, is this realistic? And if not, maybe cross some things off of it and don't let it tell you that it means you're not enough. Like, be honest about the fact that it's actually too much. And so honesty is like the core message of this book, because I think that whether it's on a big scale or a small scale or in your relationship, you need to be able to tell the truth. And that starts with telling yourself the truth about the fact that you are a person with human needs that matter, and nothing else happens unless you start treating yourself like that.

That lands. I'm like, I'm right back in like 2 weeks postpartum, right after giving birth to my first. And like in my entry into motherhood, the story I told myself is I'm a failure. I didn't tell anybody that story and I felt so ashamed to even have that story. So thank you for that piece right there, Libby. Like I just, I'm like just picturing giving my first mama self a big hug and like saying, whew, You, you didn't have to carry that alone. And I think that's a really big piece for us to just remember that we don't have to carry that alone. So when people pick up your book on April 14th, because it's going to be available everywhere in all formats, available on all formats, what is one thing you hope people will get from this book?

I hope they get a deep knowing that they are not alone, that they are not crazy, and that they are not a bad mom for having a hard time. And I hope they feel inspired to take the first step in being honest with themselves about something so that they can just make a small change and know that they have the power to change their experience of motherhood and life so that they can be a whole person.

Thank you, Libby. Thank you for coming onto the podcast and sharing your book with us. Thank you for writing this. I know that this one is so needed for so many people. For people listening, I have Libby's links in the show notes, so go grab the book. And of course, it's coming out April 14th. Pre-orders are everything. And that means the really cool thing about pre-orders is sometimes it shows up on your doorstep a few days early, which I absolutely love.

I didn't know that.

Oh, oh yes, and neither did I, because when my second book landed on people's doorsteps on the Thursday before the Tuesday I was unprepared for that. So pre-orders also mean everything to an author because, I mean, we're just a few days out from it, but what that means is that it signals to the publisher to send more books because the book is being bought. And that's the best way to support an author. So if something landed for each day, go and check out the book. Links in the show notes. Libby, thank you for doing this work. Thank you for being with me.

Thanks for having me.