Hot Takes, Hard Truths & the One Thing That Rekindles Desire + A special announcement you won’t want to miss

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There, it's Dr. Tracy and today's episode is going to be a little different and a lot of fun. I have three parts to today's episode, so here's what's coming up. Part one I have a hot take. I've seen a reel circulating that claims you're fine to your child is gaslighting and well, I have a few thoughts. Part two is a listener question about a mother in law who's gone public on social media. So we're going to talk about how to navigate this one. And this is also where I'm going to be sharing a very special announcement, my next book. And part three, I'm bringing you inside a session with a couple who had a powerful insight about desire and intimacy. It's a story I know many of you will see yourselves in and it might just be a shift in terms of how you see connection in your own relationship. All right, great. Grab your coffee or your laundry basket or take me with you on your walk. This one's full of insight, empathy and some tough love where it's needed. Let's dive in. Okay, let's get to the hot take part. There's a trend that I keep seeing on social media lately and it's where These sentences are taken and then they're labeled as gaslighting. And I'm just going to scratch the surface on this one because. Because it really made my blood boil. So this is the a real or a post. And it says something like, these phrases are gaslighting your child. Or if you're saying these phrases, you are gaslighting your child and one of them is, you're fine. So my blood boiled. Not because we shouldn't be attuned to how our words land with our children, of course we should. But because once again, we. We are oversimplifying complex relationships with buzzwords and binary thinking. So let's break this down. First, I think we need to revisit what is gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone deliberately tries to make you question your perception of reality, often for the sake of control. It's manipulative, it's chronic. It's usually part of a pattern designed to destabilize you and to lead to this idea of self, self doubt. So when a parent calmly says to a child, you're fine, who's tripped or scraped their knee or feels big emotions, it's not necessarily gaslighting. Here's what I want you to remember. Context matters. The relationship matters. And intention also matters. Let me give you an example that I've seen many times. A child stumbles in front of a group of friends. You can see they're about to cry, but they glance at their parent and there's this hesitation. They're trying to decide, am I safe? Should I fall apart here? And the parent says softly, you're fine. Maybe they even say, I've got you. Maybe they even say, oops, you're okay. That's not dismissal, that's containment. That's a parent reading the room and offering their child the option to regulate the without shame. So in a secure bond, saying you're fine can be a gentle grounding moment. It's a way of saying, I see you, you're okay, you've got this. But when we take a single phrase out of context and slap on a label like gaslighting, we risk creating guilt, confusion and doubt. And this is especially true for well meaning parents trying to do their best. And let me tell you, every week I sit with parents who are questioning whether they're damaging their children. And most of them will start the sentence by saying, I saw this real. And the real will say something like, don't ever say this or all the things. And I think what's really important for our time today Is. And by, by time, I mean to be raising children in all of this information available to us. To be raising children in a time where there's so much all or nothing categorization, black or white thinking, polarization. Parenting is nuanced. What works for you is going to be different than what works for someone else and their child. In fact, what works for me and one child is completely different than what works for me and the other child. And what works for, for Greg and the one kid is different than Greg and the other kid. There are all of these different outcomes. Parenting is so nuanced. And we need to remember that words don't exist in a vacuum. And what truly matters is the relationship that's holding these words. I actually got choked up in a session recently when this client of mine was sharing how they've been breaking cycles in their family. And, and the way that this person has been breaking those cycles is by being attuned, by making space for feelings, even if not for in that moment of high escalation, by repairing things when things are hard or they don't go the way that this client even wanted them or the kid wanted them. So I think it's really important that there are these moments where when you say something like you're fine or you're okay, these one single moment isn't gonna ruin your child. I think there's also this opportunity for our kids to get to a place where they'll say to us, that doesn't feel good. This recently happened in our dynamic with one of the kids and us. And the kids gave feedback. And all I could think was, okay, here's the thing. Giving feedback is an incredibly hard thing to do. And yet here I am, so sitting with my kids and they're giving me feedback. Did you ever have space to give your parents feedback? What did they do? Did they allow it? Did they tell you you're too sensitive? Did they say you're too much? Did they say, don't be silly? Did you get sent to your room because you were considered to be talking back? So in some ways we want to remember, and I know Dr. Tanya Kotler talks about this in the work she does with parents and, and this is around. She's a psychologist in Toronto. She's fantastic. She's been on the podcast before, twice, I think, actually. And she talks about it being bi directional, that we are in a relationship back and forth. And I think that's also really important. I also go back to what relationships are all about, whether it's the parent child or in your romantic relationship, which is about connection, disconnection and repair, Connection, disharmony and repair. And we go through this cycle and that's how we strengthen our relationship is we're going to have moments of missing each other and we always come back to the repair. So let's hold both truths. Yes, we can challenge outdated parenting language, but let's not shame or pathologize every imperfect moment. Let's be curious instead of certain. And let's keep our parenting conversations grounded in real world relationships, not viral six second clips. Because I'm telling you, parenting is already hard enough. All right, deep breath. That felt good to say that one has been hanging on me for a while and I have not. Ugh. I've come back to it so many times and it's just made me so mad all of the times where we overuse and misuse the word gaslighting. It's also a nice opportunity to reflect about Dr. Morgan's episode here on the podcast. If you missed it, we did a two part episode episode because we had so much to go into and it was a great conversation around how we are misusing those words. So do go check that out. I'll put the link in the show notes for you.

You've heard me say this before. It's not if we struggle, it's when. And when we do, we need more than just a moment to breathe. We need coping strategies. We need resilience. Because stress isn't going anywhere. Especially the kind that shows up in our work lives. Right now, 61% of the global workforce is experiencing higher than normal levels of stress. And while we can't walk away from our jobs, we can take small steps to care for our mental wellness. Maybe for you it's taking six slow, deep breaths before a meeting or going out on the front step and looking up at the sky or the trees to reset your nervous system. For me, it's catching those moments to slow down and actually feel what's going on inside. But let's be honest, vacation isn't a long term solution. And sometimes even small changes aren't enough. That's where therapy can make a huge difference. Therapy isn't just for when things are falling apart. It helps you build healthy boundaries, cope with overwhelm, and reconnect with the version of you that feels grounded and strong. It's one of the most powerful ways to support yourself. Today's podcast episode is sponsored by Better help. With over 30,000 therapists and more than 5 million people. Help globally. Better Help is the world's largest online therapy platform and for good reason. It's convenient, flexible, and fits into real life. You can join sessions from wherever you are and switch therapists at any time to find the right fit for you. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Build more coping skills even when you can't control the stress in your life. With better help, my listeners get 10% off their first month@betterhelp.com Tracy that's better help. H E L P.com Tracy T R A C Y I've also got the link in the show notes for you.

Now let's move to your question. This one is about a mother in law estrangement and social media and it's a tough one. I'm interrupting our usual flow with something special. The COVID of my upcoming book. You, your husband and his mother is officially here and pre orders are now live for those who can see the video. I am holding up my book cover and I am just so overjoyed. I absolutely love how this cover has turned out. There's so much in there. I can't wait for you to have this book. This book has been years in the making. It's the book I wrote for every woman who's ever asked, why won't he stand up to his mom? Why do I feel like the outsider? What do I do when he says to me, well, that's just my mom. And today I'm going to walk you through a real life question I get all the time, but I've got the link for pre orders. Make sure you grab the book. Oh my goodness. I. I know. I've gotten your DMs, I've received your messages and all of the hundreds of clients, couples and women that I've worked with to get to this point. This book is so needed, I can't wait for you to have it. Okay, I've got the pre order link in the show notes, so go check it out and if you haven't yet seen the COVID go over to my Instagram. I've got it there for you. Okay, so today's real life question and it's one that I often get. Here it is. We've cut his mom out. He barely has contact and now she's trashing us on social media. Should he confront her? All right, this is hard. And the truth here is that it is never clear cut. It's also why I wrote the book, because I want you to have direction and to have a system for you to go through for yourself and for your partner so that you have the best way forward. And I'm going to direct you through that in the book. But let's first identify a few things within this question. So I like to look first at what is within our control and what isn't. You unfortunately can't control what she says online and you can't stop her from venting to her friends or twisting the story. And I think that's a really uncomfortable truth. It relates a little bit to last week's podcast episode. So here are the things that you can control. You can control whether you respond to her or not. You can control how you choose to engage with her. You can control what conversations you're going to have with her or with your partner. And you also get to choose how you support each other through this. And I think this is really about the emotionally mature work that you're trying to work towards, which is choosing your respect response and not the reacting out of fear and anger. Because here's the thing, someone who posts like that, it says a lot more about them than what it actually does about you. And what I was saying about the last podcast episode, if you haven't, go to the last podcast episode, because what I encourage listeners in that episode to do is to sit with this idea that people will not always know your truth. They will not understand all of the reasons behind your decision. And it's uncomfortable. And sometimes we have to. Well, many times we have to accept that somebody else isn't going to know and get all of you. And in some ways, when we think about romantic relationships, it's a privilege because you're letting your partner in to know that about you, but you're going to choose not to have that with your mother in law. Okay, now here's this next piece around what we're doing in terms of requests versus boundaries. Because we can make requests of her, we can make requests of your partner, but ultimately boundaries are going to be about what you're going to do. So for example, depending on who she is, you can say, can we talk about what's happening online? Can we? Um, our desire is for you to not talk about us. And here's the thing, someone who doesn't respect your online wishes, so for example, I know many people have done this, is that when they share a photo of their child to their mother in law or to a family member and that family member posts it on Facebook, guess what? The boundary now is not to continue to say to that family member, stop posting our child on social media. That's a request. You don't get to control the other person though, because they can say maybe yes or no and still choose to do the things they do. But the boundary now becomes about you and what you're going to do. And the boundary then, I've worked through this with many people, is to then say, I'm no longer sending you photos of my child. If you'd like to see them, you're welcome to come over at this time and we can go through the recent pictures together. So. So in terms of the request with your partner, you might decide if it's helpful for him and I'll talk about this next part in terms of can she hear it? But is it helpful for him to go and speak to her and to say, can you. So you saying to your partner, can you talk to your mom about these posts? Can you make a request that she stop talking about us publicly? And ultimately he might say, I don't want to, or he might say, that's not going to feel good. So then the next question is, what do we do together? And that's often where that boundary comes into play. So the boundary might sound like if she continues to post about us, I'm not engaging with her at all. Which perhaps it sounds like you are already at that point. Um, the boundary might also be, I'm choosing not to look at her social media or I'm choosing to block her. Or a boundary would be, we won't respond to others who bring it up. That is a strong boundary. That if another family steps into that. And that's tricky too, if another family member says, oh, I saw that your mother in law said this and this about you guys, the boundary for you might sound like, what would you want to say? I wouldn't say, thank you for sharing that with me. I might say, oh, it sounds like you're concerned about this. This isn't something I'm willing to talk about with others. That's the boundary right there. And when we set boundaries, that power is really within ourselves and not about trying to control others. And again, this is the uncomfortable truth. We can't control your mother in law. And if you're, if it was a situation for your husband to say something to his mom and he says no, we also can't control our partners. And that really is. This is, this is the tricky dynamic. It's why my book is titled you, your husband and his mother and I have a great chapter all about Boundaries inside of the book. The next thing I like to ask people to consider is whether somebody can hear a boundary or a request. And this is really going to depend on who that person is, what kind of relationship you want to have with that person, and what they do in response. So can she take in feedback without spiraling into victimhood? Or is everything a personal attack? Does she respect differences in opinions? Or if you were to give something very clear and factual, does she lash out back at you? So this is really about protecting your piece and understanding that people are consistent and predictable. And if she's not been able to hear you in other ways, then this is almost like giving her more ammunition moving forward. And there's an uncomfortable truth in all of this, is that sometimes we need to accept that you are misunderstood. You have to make peace with the fact that someone, maybe even people close to her, will believe a version of the story that isn't true. And I think that's really painful. But when you constantly try to correct or control the narrative, you stay tangled up in the web that she is creating and that gives her the power. So freedom is found in saying, feeling a sense of power within yourself, and is found by saying, I know who I am. We know our values together as a couple and being able to say we don't need her validation to live a meaningful life with respect and integrity in all that we do. So should your partner address it only if it feels safe and aligned with your shared values. If you've agreed on what the message is and what the outcome is that you're hoping for, we can't control that. But thinking of who she is, is she able to step into that with you. And only if you're not going to be pulled into the drama that you've worked so hard to step away from. And so thinking about how we don't get to control other people, oftentimes it's more powerful to have really clear boundaries about how you will engage with your mother in law, but also with other people. For you and your partner to be on the same page about this and to ultimately protect you, protect your nervous system from that cycle of reactivity of being looped into her drama. All right, these are the kinds of complex dynamics I walk you through in my new book. You, your husband and his mother. I help you identify your patterns, identify and understand your mother in law type and how you might communicate with the specific type of mother in law that you have. And also to use my vault method to finally shift these painful dynamics. So pre orders are officially open and you can be one of the first to grab your coffee. And I'm going to have so many fun things ahead in terms of pre order bonuses. But I just want to emphasize you're not alone in this and I have just heard so many stories and struggle and in this community. You are all amazing at showing up for each other when we talk about this on Instagram. So thank you for doing this work alongside me.

It was one of those nights I was wide awake at 3am, my mind racing through my to do list. Hot one minute, freezing the next. Stress, kids, work, and yes, perimenopause. It all piles on. And somewhere in that blur I realized if I can't control everything as I know that I can't, I can at least control where I rest at the end of the day. The second night in a row of being awake at 3am was the moment I decided to level up our bedding. So after reading several reviews, I ordered the European lid linen sheets from Quince for their quality and softness and I just know these sheets are exactly what I need. Woven from 100 European flax linen, these sheets are luxurious without being fussy and they get softer with every wash. I also ordered a quilt set and I can't wait to feel our bedroom become a more calm oasis for both of us to end the day. If you've been craving better sleep or just a little more peace at the end of a long day, this is the kind of stuff Small change that makes a big difference. Quince makes luxury bedding affordable truly, by working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middleman. They offer premium products at half the price of similar brands and they only partner with ethical factories using safe, sustainable practices. If you're looking for something small that makes a big difference, this might be it because we all need to find a sense of calm and peace by how we end our day. Let your bed match the season with cool, relaxed bedding from quints. Go to quince.com Tracy for free shipping. 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Tracy Summer is coming and in our house that means there is a shift in routines. School ends, the days get longer, and staying connected with friends, family and even just keeping track of everyone now that we're no longer at pickup and drop off feels more important than ever. But you know it shouldn't come with that connection stressing over your wireless bill. That's why today's podcast sponsor is Mint Mobile. If I needed a wireless plan. Right now. This is exactly what I'd be using. Greg and I were investigating plans and this is such an amazing offer. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless service on the nation's largest 5G network. With plans starting at just $15 a month. Staying connected shouldn't mean sweating over overages and surprise charges. This summer with Mint Mobile, you get high speed data, unlimited talk and text, and you can use your own phone number, keep your phone and bring over all your contacts. No hassle, no hidden fees. And right now, you can get three months of premium wireless for just $15 a month. So if simplifying and saving sounds good this summer, skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank. Go to mintmobile.com forward/tracy to shop your plan. That's mintmobile.com forward/t, R A C Y. Upfront payment for $45 for three month five gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 per month. New customer offer for first three months only, then full price point plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.

All right, I want to move into part three, and this is around a missing piece to desire that most couples overlook. So I'm going to take you inside a moment from a recent session because it beautifully highlights what I see over and over again in my work with couples that disconnection in intimacy isn't always about sex itself. It's often about what's missing before we even get there. So a couple sat down in my office and like many others, they were stuck in their cycle around intimacy. And a common theme that would happen is that he would initiate at night and she would pull away. And when they talked about their sex life, they talked about having different desire levels. And it was interesting because then she said, it's not that I don't want to have sex. I do. I want to have sex. I want to be intimate. I just don't feel connected to him. And he looked at me and said, I don't really understand this. I think about her all day. I love her, I'm attracted to her, I want her. I can't keep my eye hands off of her when I see her. And I could see the frustration between both of them because they both wanted closeness. They both cared for each other. They were able to get out of their negative cycle, but they were missing each other. It's almost like two ships passing in the night and they didn't know how to kindle that desire. And then she said something that changed everything. She said, in order to feel desire I need a sense of playfulness. That's what helps me connect to you. And there it was. Because when couples stop playing, when they stop laughing, teasing, flirting, they also stop creating the safety and lightness that allows desire to grow. So let me explain this a little deeper. Playfulness is not just fun. It's an emotional signal. It tells our nervous system, you're safe, you're safe here. You can relax. You can open. Okay, as just a side note, but we know that when children feel safe, they're also more likely to play. Play. They're more likely to be imaginative. That's so interesting. But. So here's the piece, though. When we feel safe in our relationship, we are going to play. They go together. Playfulness is there. That leads to more safety. We feel safe. There's more playfulness, and it also allows us to feel turned on. We can feel wanted and wanting. And that's the piece this couple had lost, not because they didn't care, but because life had taken over. And I know this is what happens for so many couples, especially. Especially when you're parenting young kids or you're managing careers. You become teammates, you divide the labor, you go through the motions, and then one day, you realize you've barely touched each other during the day, or you haven't laughed together in weeks, or I remember several clients coming to me and saying, I don't know how to have a conversation anymore. We've been so focused on the kids. And then what happens, though, is that nighttime comes around. And I think the person with low desire is often accused of not thinking about having sex, when actually this is the complete opposite, is that they are thinking about it. They are trying to manage it and to negotiate within themselves. They just happen to not be the one initiating it. But so here's what happens. One of you initiates hoping for connection, but instead of desire, there's pressure. Pressure to be vulnerable, pressure to be available, pressure to show up without having had any of the emotional buildup that makes it feel good, that makes it a yes going into any sexual activity. So I like to remind couples that sex isn't the goal. It's the dessert. It's the finishing. It's the reward after a day of closeness, of play, of little moments of warmth, laughter. And when we forget to play with, we forget how to build anticipation. We forget how to flirt. We forget how to reach for each other in ways that feel good. And it's the Barry McCarthy. He's a sex therapist. They wrote this really great book, Rekindling Desire and they talk about how it's so unfortunate that with marriage and with time in a relationship, so the longer you're together and then getting married is when you lose building anticipation and tension in a relationship, and those two things alone are exactly what we need to help build desire and to light that fire. So if this feels familiar to you, here's what I want you to try this week. Start with one moment of lightness in your relationship. It could be a cheeky text. It could be a lingering touch. Maybe a moment where you pause and smile at your partner just a second longer. Could be something really playful. You don't need to overhaul your relationship overnight. In fact, it's not possible because we're so busy. But I'm going to encourage you. Don't leave your relationship on the back burner. You can do some small thing this week, and you have already listened to this point in the podcast episode, so I'm going to nudge you a little bit further. So you need to remember what it felt like when things were playful and to start bringing more of that back in. Because when play comes in, so does connection. And when there's connection, there's room for desire to return. Okay, if this resonated and you're one of the people who say to me, I don't know, I'm stuck. I don't know what to do, I'm going to invite you to join me in my 30 days to ask. It's a daily relationship challenge where I guide you and your partner back to connection through small, doable steps that rebuild emotional closeness, laughter, and, yes, desire. You can start today. I created this challenge for even the busiest couples, and I use my three pillars of relationships, which is around intimacy, closeness, and connection. And also, too, don't miss episode four because I talk about what we do after the honeymoon stage and why so many couples feel stuck and disconnected and even when they still love each other deeply. And I know so many people come to me saying, I missed the honeymoon stage and we're not meant to go back. We're. We're meant to redefine what intimacy and closeness looks together. All right, I'm gonna wrap up. Thanks for being here with me today. Remember, it's not too late. You can rebuild connection. You can bring desire back. And I just wanna say thank you. Thank you so much for hanging out with me here on the podcast. If anything resonated with you today, please feel free to share it with a friend, with your partner. If you're going to share it on social, tag me One of the best things you can do to help the podcast is to click subscribe, leave me a few words, or click the stars. This is what helps other people find the podcast. All right, until next time, take good care of you and you are right where you need to be. Remember, this podcast episode is for educators educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider. I have to tell you that at the end of every episode.

It was one of those nights I was wide awake at 3am, my mind racing through my to do list. Hot one minute, freezing the next. Stress, kids, work, and yes, perimenopause. It all piles on. And somewhere in that blur I realized if I can't control everything as I know that I can't, I can at least control where I rest at the end of the day. The second night in a row of being awake at 3am was the moment I decided to level up our bedding. So after reading several reviews, I ordered the European linen sheets from Quince for their quality and softness. And I just know these sheets are exactly what I need. Woven from 100 European flax linen, these sheets are luxurious without being fussy and they get softer with every wash. I also ordered a quilt set and I can't wait to feel our bedroom become a more calm oasis for both of us to end the day. If you've been craving better sleep or just a little more peace at the end of a long day, this is the kind of small change that makes a big difference. Quince makes luxury bedding affordable, truly, by working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middleman. They offer premium products at half the price of similar brands, and they only partner with ethical factories using safe, sustainable practices. If you're looking for something small that makes a big difference, this might be it, because we all need to find a sense of calm and peace by how we end our day. Let your bed match the season with cool, relaxed bedding from quince. Go to quince.comtracy for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's Q-U I N C E.comtracy the.

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Summer is coming and in our house. That means there is a shift in routines. School ends, the days get longer, and staying connected with friends, family, and even just keeping track of everyone now that we're no longer at pickup and drop off feels more important than ever. But you know it shouldn't come with that connection Stressing over your Wireless bill that's why today's podcast sponsor is Mint Mobile. If I needed a wireless plan right now, this is exactly what I'd be using. Greg and I were investigating plans and this is such an amazing offer. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless service on the nation's largest 5G network with plans starting at just 15amonth. Staying connected shouldn't mean sweating over overages and surprise charges. This summer with Mint Mobile, you get high speed data, unlimited talk and text, and you can use your own phone number, keep your phone and bring over all your contacts. No hassle, no hidden fees. And right now you can get three months of premium wireless for just $15 a month. So if simplifying and saving sounds good this summer, skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank. Go to mintmobile.comtracy to shop your plan. That's mintmobile.comt R A C Y upfront payment for $45 for 3 month 5 gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 per month new customer offer for first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.