How to Handle Your Partner’s Disappointment Without Losing Yourself

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Visit Amazon.comprime to learn more. Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy, clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries in laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good. Hey everyone, it's Dr. Tracy and today Greg's joining me for a conversation that I think so many of you will relate to. We got a question from a listener who's struggling with something I see all the time in my work feeling like you can't say no to your partner because their disappointment feels so heavy.

And hopefully I can give you a guy's perspective on this, maybe what's going through his mind in this situation, because I think there's a lot of things in this the couples might not say out loud. I think both of us related to this so much that we weren't planning to record today, but it kind of landed on us and we're like, we need to talk about this.

Yeah. Amy sent in this question and I thought, okay, this is such a good one for Greg to come in on because of the dynamics in a relationship, because of who we are, because of the both end. So I'm going to pass it to you to read the question.

Okay. So as you said, this came from a listener, Amy. So I'm going to read the question. Um, it's a little bit longer, but I think it gives the kind of nuance and layers. Hi, Dr. Tracy. I'm having a lot of trouble with feeling like I always need to avoid my husband. Husband being disappointed with me. His disappointment is so loud and feels so heavy around us that I tend to neglect my own needs to avoid his disappointment. For example, we're on vacation at his family's cottage in Canada this week. It's a beautiful place, but very primitive. No running water, outhouse. And we are here with his parents, sister and her family. Just for the record, this is in all of Canada. It's a tiny cabin, there's no privacy, and everyone shares the outhouse. It's very uncomfortable for me. Not to mention the dynamics of his parents are so negative and constant bickering. It's exhausting. I've also been sick this week, so I've been so it's been extra hard. We're going to leave tomorrow. We were going to leave tomorrow and he asked me today if I could rally so we could have another day. Context. We've been here eight days already. I told him I'm just really ready to be home. It's going to be a long, tiring week ahead with getting back to feeling like myself. Illness, toddler, getting adjusted back, and she indicates that she stays home with him. He asked me again if I could rally and I said yes. He was so appreciative. I left the conversation and cried. I feel like I couldn't say no. Like if I did, he would be so, so upset. And we around his family and there's already so much to manage with that dynamic that I couldn't fathom taking on another dynamic to manage. I know I should have said no and stuck to my guns on my needs. And then I need to be okay with disappointing him. But I couldn't do it. And now I know I have to deal with it, but. But I also just feel so devastated that he would put me in this position, to ask me to stay longer when. When he knows how hard it is on me even to be here in the first place. Any insight on firstly, being okay with disappointing your spouse or them even being resentful, and secondly, how to have this conversation with your spouse generally.

So can we just sink into this idea of disappointment and how uncomfortable it is as partners?

It's a lot. I was like feeling it as I'm.

Reading the question, weren't you?

A little bit.

I was wondering if you were feeling it. I was like, oh, yeah, you're feeling this.

As someone who tends to probably live in this a little bit. Yeah. The layers, nuance.

Yeah. Because what is it for you as you were reading it? It's like, what does it hit?

The discomfort of being uncomfortable, the wanting to please try to. Trying to please everyone, both family and spouse.

Oh, 100%.

Like we've been through this. And yeah, I mean they're on a vacation. Whether they're at a five star resort or a cabin with an outhouse, it's still a destination. So there's, there's kind of that aspect to it too.

It's the pull between the family of origin, of course, and the pull between your chosen family and what it means to be the three of you and to navigate all of those things. And even I was thinking from your perspective, what does it feel like when your partner says no to something you want and how do you manage that disappointment?

How do I.

Actually we just had this earlier when we were in Homesense getting a lettuce strainer. I said no.

Yeah, it pissed me off. Salad spinner, to be clear.

Sorry, a salad spinner. Let's take the question seriously. What does it feel like when your partner says no to something you want?

I mean, in the moment it's, it's uncomfortable, it's frustrating. And I think if you don't have kind of a framework to work through, can fester. It's like the, the little paper cut analogy you've used before. Right. I think probably for men might lead towards anger and resentment, maybe for women in a slightly different way.

But yeah, I, I think there's a lot tied in there because it makes sense to feel the sense of disappointment. Also, a lot of people don't know how to deal with that when your partner says no. And that even kind of results in this. Like. And let's even look at the parts of us which is like that initial reaction if your partner's like, if you say no to me, my initial reaction, that's really quick. You don't see it as much anymore. But it's my inner child. It's the child part of me that feels sad. But then the teenager part, the righteous indignation. Oh, yeah.

The anger.

The one that runs to rage and be like, you're gonna tell me, no, I'm gonna do this. Right. So, like, there's all of this stuff that happens so quickly inside of us that it's uncomfortable. And there's. And I think that's why when we read this question together, we were like, oh, we have to go into this. There's so much in here. I want to pause, by the way, for those listening, you can send me your questions over on the website, drtracyd.com forward slash podcast. You can leave your name. You can use a different name if you want, but give me as much details as you want in your question and we'll try to get to it here on the pod. I love getting people's questions because it just anchors our real life, everyday experiences of what it means to be in a relationship.

Yeah. It also allows you to speak to a dynamic, a situation that I think people can relate to versus a concept.

Yes. Yeah.

Right. Where there's so much information and this, this is grounded in, I think, reality, and I think people need that right now.

Yeah, I agree. Okay. So just to highlight this for. For people listening, she's at her husband's family's cottage. There's tension with the family. She's sick. Amy's not feeling well. There's no privacy. She wants to leave. She asked to leave a day earlier. Her husband asked to rally for one more day. She said yes, but then cried after. And I think we need to acknowledge that layered in this, it's. This is not just about a day. And I think that's sometimes where couples get stuck is they say, I'm only asking you for a day. What's the big deal here? And we're not seeing all the things layered inside, like boundaries, needs, fear of disappointment, what it means to compromise and co create with our partners.

Yeah. I think particularly as a. As a guy, we get stuck on the literal amount of time. It's just a day. It's just a couple hours. Start, middle, end. It's finite and not all the other stuff that goes with it.

Right. And then. So your focus on just a day, though, ends up minimizing the other person's experience. And so it might just be a day, probably. Right. It's just a day. Well, what's the big deal? It's just an hour. It's just two hours. It's just 24 hours.

And sometimes it isn't a big deal.

Yeah.

But in this case, sounds pretty big.

It does. Eight days. This couple, they're eight days in already.

Yeah, I mean, we'll get to that. I mean, what's another day? But however, keep going.

So let's start by naming what's really happening here. Because when we feel that pull to say yes, even when our body is screaming no, there's usually so much more underneath the surface.

Yeah. I think a lot of us, male and female, they just want to. I think we want to believe our partner just knows what we need. We don't have to spell it out. They should just know. And then when they ask for something we can't give a sudden, it's uncomfortable. A lot of layers.

There's so many layers in there. And what this is really about for me is first, the first thing that shows up is, it's almost like the outward focus, like, why can't you just give that to me? Why can't you? My husband should not be disappointed or should not have those feelings and should just see all the things that I'm experiencing. But as I do with my couples and in my books and all my resources, I encourage you to go inwards because that's where the real work is. And this is really what's happening inside of me, which is the. I don't want to deal with the tension or the guilt. And so I just end up saying yes. And I think we need to acknowledge that there's a cost of always avoiding our partner's disappointment. So that cost is emotionally, we build resentment, we feel angry, we might have irritation, and all of that has a long term side effect on our relationship. If I'm resentful and angry at you, I'm going to be shorter. I'm not going to turn to you with my own vulnerability. Physically, I'm going to end up withdrawing. In the long term, I'm going to end up feeling a lower sense of desire and arousal with you. Right. It's. It's all connected. We know that our feelings are connected to what happens inside of our bodies. And then also too, there's this relational piece which is this silent drifting away.

I mean, it happens for us. You can, like, you, like, name it. Like, there's this feeling and I think that's part of this. Right.

Tell me more.

Well, it's the stinky cheese under the bed analogy. It's the thing. Right. And it just like gets in between couples.

Yes. I've used this analogy with Greg before where it's like, if there's something that's this like thing we're not addressing or we're not talking about, it's like a stinky cheese under our bed. And like it's such a strong analogy because if you're in your bed, in your bedroom, which is where you're going to be playful and intimate and find pleasure together, how do you do that when you're like, sensory system is like on this whatever. Right.

So do you think partners are aware they're putting the other person, the other partner, excuse me, in this position or is it unconscious or does it depend?

I think it depends. I think when it comes to certain situations, we want to turn a blind eye sometimes. Right. And so if we're driven by those long standing legacy patterns in a family, we might be turning a blind, we might be doing this unconsciously or subconsciously. So him saying to her, can you stay for one more day? And we're, we're going to unpack this a bit more. But that could be unconscious, that there's something happening there. But then I also think it depends because I think and I, I believe this to be true is this sense of we have been together for X number of years, you know, me and in some ways at this point, eight days. Can we check in with each other and can you hold me in mind?

Yeah, but does that also work the other way? Like there, here's this legacy thing. It's eight days. You should almost be almost assuming an ass for another day and it's no big deal and you just need to rally air quotes.

I know. Which is so difficult because that, that is so if someone is doing well and things are going okay, then maybe it is okay to say, I know how important family is. You know what, I can rally this time. But this is again where that constant communication, checking in and having these strong skills really come into play.

Yeah, agree.

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Okay, so let's answer really her first question though. How do you get okay with disappointing your spouse, even if they might feel resentful?

Yeah. Okay, here's where I want you to know. Disappointment is a normal part of our relationships. It is inevitable that at times our needs and our partner's needs are not going to align. And I think what's really important is for us to recognize that avoiding their disappointment by neglecting yourself isn't sustainable.

Not at all.

Not at all.

It's just not pragmatic.

So if you are constantly putting your needs to the side, you are building resentment. And that resentment erodes your connection over time. And so this, let's name this, this discomfort that you're feeling when you imagine disappointing him, that's tension. We're feeling tension in that moment. And as humans, we don't like tension. We'll do almost anything to avoid it, like saying yes when we really mean no. But here's the thing. Sitting in that discomfort, letting it exist, is part of building healthier boundaries.

It's like the first step, right?

Oh, you and I have talked about this so much.

So much. It's hard as shit though.

It's so hard. It's so hard. It's just this. Our recent you and I Always do this. We derail each other so much. But recently this was an Instagram post that I shared where I had said to you, I shared my feelings. And I said, you going biking feels really hard. And. And you're like, okay, thanks for letting me know. And then I came back to you an hour later and said, I want you to still go. And you said, well, that's not fair because now I'm gonna feel guilty. And I said, yes, go be present. And oh, you're like, how am I gonna be present? Dirt biking? I'm like, well, there's your lesson. Go sit with discomfort and do the thing. Cause I'm saying to you, I have to share my feelings.

It's the both end.

And I know you, you were. I think you're a little. Yeah, you. I was gonna say you were angry at me for sharing with you how I felt.

Yeah. And because we get in this, this, this thought that it should just be. It's a binary question.

Yes or no, Can I go biking?

Yes.

Yeah, but humans, we're not binary. We're like, we're so complex. There's so much context. And when we revisited the conversation, I'd said to you, I'm telling you how I feel about this so I don't end up feeling resentful.

I know.

And. And then when you got back from biking, so because I shared that, I shared how I was feeling, I didn't eat my resentment. It also challenged you to go and do the thing that was important to you and sit in discomfort. And you still had a great time. And I asked you after, so were you present? You're like, yeah, I was so present. That was an amazing day. But it forced you to be mindful of your time, of when you were going to come back from biking, so that we were planned together. Like, that was a good co creation moment for us. I knew when you were coming back, this was not an all day event. And you know the other thing too. So cool about this. I had a great time with the kids that day. I knew, I knew when you were leaving, I knew when you're coming home. I planned all the things. We had a great time and you held your commitment. I really thought that was a win for us.

It was.

You didn't like the discomfort part though?

Yeah, but it was a first step. And maybe next time I'll go for longer, right?

No, no. If you go for longer. But you tell me ahead of time.

That's what I mean.

Oh, yeah, well, sure. Let me know next time. Okay. But here's the thing.

Back to the question.

This is you reminding yourself, I'm not responsible for managing his feelings. I'm responsible for honoring my needs. I think this is really hard to, like, just hold inside of ourselves, but this is so freeing.

Yeah, but it's hard to get there. It's like she needs to. And I'll get there. Like in the interim, sitting in that pain or discomfort. So how does she do that?

Yeah. Just remind yourself, I don't have to solve this. This is not mine to own. And I know she said that his resentment or his disappointment is really loud. And so that's like, what are the coping tools for you in the moment? So you might choose. Actually, I'm thinking of this. Maybe you. Maybe you hold his hand in the car. It's kind of like a co regulation thing. Maybe. Maybe it feels good to do that. When the cart ride home, make sure you go for a walk. So you're regulating yourself anything so that you don't do the. Okay, I changed my mind. I see you're upset. We can stay splashing cold water. Like I. I talk about these common regulation strategies, which is splashing cold water, putting on some music. Get out your phone notepad. If you don't have a journal with you, just write the note to yourself. Write the note to your future self even, or maybe even your past self saying, dear past self, I know in the past it's been really hard to set boundaries. And this is one of those times I'm sitting in discomfort and I can ride the wave. Name it to tame it is such a good strategy. It takes so much of the pressure out of the emotion. So in that moment, you've said to him, like, if we just walk this through and I'll give you. We'll go through step by step in a little bit. But if you said to him, I can't stay, I need to go home, there's a disappointment. It's so loud in front of you. You say, okay, I'm gonna start packing. And then you feel that discomfort. You say to yourself, this is discomfort. This is tension showing up.

Yeah. Like literally naming it.

Yeah, I can name this. I can ride through that emotion.

We don't have the information, but I do wonder as we read this question, like, what is loud disappointment? Right. Is it huffing and puffing? Is it actually saying something? Is it icing her out?

Could be all of it.

Yeah.

And the icing thing too is so there is this chance for feedback. Right. And that speaks to a bigger issue between A couple. I'll save that for a little bit after. Let's. Let's keep going first to talk about these patterns that are showing up here, but let's come back to that piece because I think that's so important, because I think what is happening here, and I like to look for patterns, is that. Has he asked her to rally before? Is there a history of saying yes to avoid conflict?

I think from a guy's perspective, I mean, sometimes we just ask. It's just like, we'll just try. We don't want to be the ones to tell our family no. I mean, they're. I'm guessing if this is a family cottage legacy thing, this is. This is a thing that's probably done every year, even before she was part of the family. This is a thing they do. Right. So it's easier.

Well, I think this gives us information, too, in some ways. Right. And for people to look at their relationships as ongoing evidence and learning about each other, not to the point of saying that we can predict your every move, because that's. We don't want to get into that pattern. Right. But if you know that there is a sticking point around something, then we can prepare for it. Our sticking point is dirt biking. So if you want to go dirt biking, I've asked you come to me earlier so I can have this plan around it. It doesn't work for me when you save it to last minute. Right. So, like, that's. It's a sticking point that we are now learning about each other. So for this, then, if you know that your husband has a hard time talking to his family around boundaries and needs, how can you prepare for it? Or you can almost expect that your partner is going to want that extra day. Has this happened in the past? And then how can you get ahead of it in some way? But I think it is interesting to acknowledge a legacy pattern. And this is an entirely different conversation for you to have with your partner. But what happens when you have to say no to your parents? So now we're shifting not between her and her husband, but between her husband and his family. What happens for him? Does he feel guilty? Does he worry that they'll be upset? Is that why he's asking for the extra day? Is this really about a longing for more time? And I think you and I have talked about, like, well, what does that one day really give you?

Yeah, it's hard. It's hard to know. But after eight days, what. What. What is it that this extra time, and we don't have all the information. Maybe there's another events, or maybe they're going for a hike or whatever the case would be. But just pragmatically knowing, hopefully he knows where she's at. They have a young child, it sounds like. What's that extra day giving you?

Which really does require a question. It's more than just saying, I need to go home. And the other person's saying, can you rally? And that's interesting, too, if we even break that open. So if you're saying, I need to go home, has your partner fully understood what's happening for you, or are you.

Just shoving it all down to be the good right wife in this case?

Right. And when he says, can I ask you to rally for one more day? Do you understand? What's that really about? Which requires you to both get curious. So he, for her would say, tell me what's happening for you. What are the hard parts? Help me understand where you're struggling.

Yeah.

And then for him, for her to say, tell me what's important about one day. Tell me what matters about this. Tell me the area. Like. Yeah, go ahead.

Well, I was gonna say the fact he used the word rally specifically, like, if you hone in on that, I don't want to put words in someone's mouth, but it tends to indicate he knows she's struggling, because if she wasn't struggling, it's therefore not a rally. It's just is.

Okay. So I think that comes maybe in a bit of their history in their context, which I'll share in a moment. But I want to get into the nervous system piece, because the pattern here also is, if you know your own pattern, that when someone asks you to rally or to push through, what does your nervous system do? Fight, flight, freeze, fawn. Do you slip into people pleasing in this case?

Yeah.

Yeah. Right.

And I can relate to that.

Sure. And so then you quickly say yes, instead of slowing things down, instead of giving more time to this. And I think that's challenging. So when we look at patterns, we're looking at patterns in families, we're looking at patterns in the relationship, and we're also looking at patterns in ourself. I want to. What was that thing I was going to come back to? Oh, yes. I wanted to add this piece there when you said rally. Yet the piece in here that Amy shared is that she has a chronic illness.

She did, yes, that was indicated.

And so she had shared. After she sent in the question, she shared a bit more, saying, in the past, I used to be a People pleaser. I've really worked on this on myself. But the challenge with having a chronic illness is I know many people experience this is they feel like a burden. And so for many people with a chronic illness, they'll push, they'll push, they'll push because they're almost like saving the time for when they really need the ask. When they really say like, no, this is the time I have to tap out.

Right.

But that backfires.

Seems so unfair.

Yeah, it is because. And I love, I talk to my patients who have chronic illnesses, we talk about the spoon theory. And the spoon theory is that people without a chronic illness walk around with 10 spoons and they give it out all day long. I've got that work call, there's a spoon, gotta pick up the kids from school, there's a spoon. I have to stay late for that extra meeting, giving a spoon. Mom calls, she needs xyz, spoon, spoon, spoon. But people with a chronic illness, for example, might only have four spoons to give. Partners who are in this relationship together and co creating need to understand that your partner doesn't have 10 spoons, they have four. And we don't ask either person to self sacrifice or to save it rally. It really is this ebb and flow of when are we going to, when are we not? Because you're not a burden. You're not a burden. You didn't get to choose to only have four spoons.

Right.

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Okay, following up on that, I have, I have a. I have a question that kind of layers on that. So how can we tell the difference between I'm compromising because I love you and I'm self abandoning to keep the peace?

I. This is never going to be someone telling you what you're doing unless that someone can see the repeated pattern with you and you're talking about it, say with your therapist. But for me, that difference is often in our gut and how we feel afterwards. Because the self abandonment, you will start to feel resentful, angry, annoyed at the person you might even do be doing that. Like silent separation and distancing, that's the self abandonment piece. But compromising isn't about giving up all of yourself all of the time. And normally once you get to a place of compromise with your partner in a space that feels good, you'll then feel in your belly that part of you feels seen and not all of you has been given up.

There's a balance.

I think there's a balance. Okay, let's break down now how to have this conversation in a way that's respectful and clear so that we're not doing all of this self abandonment.

Yeah. And I think also so it doesn't make it sound like you're rejecting the partner or in this case, their family or both.

Yes. Okay. So I always recommend people to start with validation. Validation is not you agreeing with them. It doesn't say you're right. It doesn't say I should only think of you. It says, I see you, I see what your feeling is. I see what your need is. And when you validate someone, it's like an exhale. When you validate someone else goes, you see me and it drops their defenses and their willingness then increases to have that conversation with you. So you might start with I know how Much you love being here and how important this time with your family is to you. I see that staying longer means a lot. So then the second piece is you want to express your feelings and needs clearly. I talk about this in be connected all the time. The I feel, the I need language. It's so important for you. So you might say something like, I've been feeling really drained this week. I'm sick. Managing the dynamics here and taking care of our toddler. I'm running on empty and I need to get home tomor to rest and recharge before the week ahead. So there's nothing here about his family doing things or the situation or that you don't like it or that he always not attacking. There's no attack in there. And. And truthfully, sometimes even getting to the I feel and I need space does lead to other people being defensive, and we can't control that. But it then splits. Speaks to us to really hold that boundary.

Expand on that a little bit, though. What do you mean by that? Because I mean, I've listened to a ton of your content, obviously, but I feel and I need stuff is supposed to be, I thought was kind of the. To break down the defenses. But you're saying sometimes the opposite happens.

I don't know. Greg, why are you so defensive when I express my feelings? I'm teasing. Because sometimes people feel attacked.

They. They can't hear the I part.

They can't hear the I'm feeling. So of course, if your partner does get defensive, it always does call for me. And so if I use our dynamic, for example, I had to look at myself and see how am I communicating? Am I doing it effectively? Am I really going into my core feelings and that vulnerability. Because the truth is nobody likes to be vulnerable, including me, and that is hard. So then I have to go into that. So then when I start coming to you and I share the more vulnerable stuff, sometimes the person who is more defensive can't hear it, and they can't hear it. One, because the pattern. I see this with couples in my therapy room. When I get one person to vulnerably express someone, the other person slips back into the old pattern because their brain is like, I can't compute. Okay? Just, I'm. I think this is an attack again, I better protect myself. And it's just become so automatic. That pattern from the couple is also rooted in that person's history. They learn to be defensive to protect themselves. And so then naturally they're like, you say all these things, which is correct. And they say, can't you. Like, this isn't that big of a deal. Can't you just. Yeah, right.

Okay, we digress.

Yeah, that's. But that's why the next piece is really important. And this is the hardest part. You're going to hold your boundaries, and it's important to understand that boundaries aren't about controlling the other person. They're about you being clear on what you can and can't do. So you might say, I know this isn't what you were hoping for, and I understand if you feel disappointed, but I need to prioritize my health and well being right now. So remembering that boundaries are about what you need and it doesn't make you bad or a burden.

Yeah. It's interesting when you explain like that. It's, it's really the expressing of the affirmative versus the negative. Right. Because I think maybe particular as a guy, like, you think like a boundary is something you can't. We can't do versus the expression of it effectively is. Is the opposite.

Yeah, absolutely. The other piece too. And we skip through this piece, and I think when we skip through this step here, it's, it's trickier. You need to make space for his feelings. And that's, that's the part that Amy already said is hard for her because she's like. Like it's hard to feel his loud disappointment.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

But a boundary can feel like a tiny paper cut to someone if you don't make space for them to have their feelings. And that doesn't mean they get to yell at you and stomp around. Right. But it's important to pro. To hold space for that reaction. The paper cut doesn't become this deeper wound. So remember, it's okay if he feels upset, it's okay if he feels resentful. And you don't need to fix that for him. Instead, you can acknowledge it, you can say, I hear that this is hard for you and I totally get that you're disappointed. And then you let it be. His feelings are his to process.

Sit in that discomfort.

Sit in the discomfort.

I think sucks, but.

Oh, it totally does. But then the piece here, though, is if she's always rallying, she grows defensive. It doesn't work. Right.

Totally.

And then I think the last thing that we can also really add into these conversations is to reassure the relationship is to be able to say, I love you. I want us to enjoy the rest of our time here together. I'm going. I need to take care of myself, and I just want you to know that we're still in this together. So when we read this question, the disappointment feels so loud and it's so heavy. And I think that's the other piece in this conversation that has to be addressed because this might not be a in this moment conversation, but it's like one of your weekly check in meeting conversations. Or like you're sitting on the couch, the toddler's gone to bed.

Definitely at another time from the guy's perspective.

Oh yeah.

Worth having by the sounds of it.

Which also speaks to another key relational skill, which is not everything has to be done right away. I think sometimes. And I, I feel that sometimes.

Oh hell yeah.

Which is like, okay, we're here. I have to get it all out. I have to say all the things. And oh, by the way, you're, the way you, whatever is so big, no communication can, is ongoing and can happen at any time. So I think there's this element in here where as a partner, you, as a partnership, rather you both explore their outward disappointment and what it's like for you. So you might say something like, I've noticed that I often put your needs ahead of mine because I'm afraid of disappointing you. And like something like that could just kind of help cue to like, I do this thing and it's not fun fair to both of us and I want us to find a balance of our needs so we both feel cared for.

So how do you bring it up though? Like, because I think ostensibly you're asking to have the conversation about his loud reactions and how that's coming up.

I think there's a. Both end here, the bigger pattern. And the pattern is it's hard when you are outwardly disappointed like this. And I know this is how you express this and the boundary around here might be expressing when you slam cupboards because this comes up in the community a lot when you slam cupboards. My nervous system goes into fight or flight. And it doesn't feel good for me when you do that. When you're disappointed and upset. I'm gonna go out for a walk. Me and toddler are gonna go to the park and play and you can have that feeling. But I can't stay in the house when it's like that. So that's kind of one element to this. The other element here is the bigger picture of there are times where I do rally for you and doing that doesn't lead us to be in a good place. I think we need to figure out this new way of talking about our needs. And being on the same team. And I think sometimes that's the vault that's. That's kind of like the next level of vulnerability in this conversation is going to him and saying, I'm afraid of disappointing you.

That stuck. That stood out.

Yeah. Which. Which is hard because it's vulnerable. Yeah, it is vulnerable.

I mean, one of the things that Stan, I kind of keep coming back to is this boundaries piece. It's. Everyone talks about boundaries, like it's just something you go to the corner store and buy, you know, but it's not that easy. And so how do you build up that kind of tolerance or muscle. Muscle memory for tolerating their disappointment and holding the boundary? Because I think at the crux of it, like in your prescription, that's the middle and hardest piece, potentially.

Yeah. So this is around starting small, and it might be around, let's say one night you've agreed to do bedtime. I'm just gonna make this up, but one night you agree to do bedtime and you've given out your four spoons. I'll go back to the spoon. You've given out your four spoons for the day, and you are bone tired and doing anything else is going to set you back. So then you say to your partner, hey, listen, I know tonight is my night to do bedtime. I need you to do bedtime tonight because I'm just empty. That is a good example of an everyday, small stakes, low stakes time to practice a boundary. So we do want to find those moments. It's interesting. There tends to be these two groups of people when it comes to boundaries. Some people will say, I could never set that boundary. Family, work, friends. Oh, but I could do it with my partner. And then there's other people who will say, I could never do that with my partner, but I could do that at work. So interesting.

I heard it's fun like that.

Yeah. Practice with someone that you feel safe with. It could be a friend. When they say, hey, do you want to meet at 10? 10 o' clock's not really the right time. And you say, could you meet at 2? I need more time this morning. That's. That's a boundary right there. That's the expression of a need. The other piece, too, is talking about guilt and, and understanding what this emotion is really about. So if she feels guilty about this boundary saying, let's leave a day, I would like, I need to leave a day early. Is she doing something bad, holding that boundary by saying, I need to leave?

I mean, from the outside she's not. But internally.

Well, okay. But objectively, she's not doing something bad.

No, no.

Right. So she's. And so she's. The guilt, then, is a feeling that indicates that you did something that hurt someone or you did something bad. That's what guilt really is about. But often we feel guilt when our values are bumping up against each other. So her two values, if I were to guess Amy's two values, are one, the value of looking after my own wellness. Two, the value of her chosen family, the three of them, and what it means to get back to regular life and her to not be exhausted. All the things. And three, the value of being with extended family. And all three of those are bumping up against each other. It's like this friction. That's where guilt comes from Also, too. Guilt is along the same neural pathway as empathy. Mothers have lots of empathy. Of course. She feels guilt. High empathy. High guilt. Makes sense.

Interesting.

So I. I think there is really this acceptance piece in here too, which is disappointment is part of being in a relationship with a person.

For real, separate person.

Okay, I have a question for you. If I were sick and wanted to leave, how would you reconcile wanting to stay longer with wanting to care for me?

How would I reconcile? Or how would I set the boundary? Seems like a loaded question.

It's totally a loaded question. What would you do? Your family's saying stay. I'm saying I gotta go.

I mean, this is. This is. Speaking of rubbing up against values, I think that's maybe something with this question that didn't sit super well for me, is if she's sick, that's kind of a. And has a chronic illness. That's. Should be air quotes. Should be an easier one, I think.

I love that you said that because it speaks to how we. We can almost desire these things in, like, a right or wrong way.

Yeah.

And yet there's so much context and nuance in a relationship.

Totally. And in fairness, I don't know all the details in this situation, which is.

What makes couples dynamics so interesting and family dynamics.

But knowing this part, my bias would be to, like, if you're sick, then that's. Then we need to go. If it's a little bit more benign than that or there's. It's more about family dynamics. Honestly, that's where it gets trickier because then it's about just holding a boundary around what your chosen family might need and what's best for them versus, maybe I'll use the word capitulating to this legacy exercise. For lack of a better term, that his family of origin might be having at this time.

I say this actually more strongly now as a clinician than I did 20 years ago, I'm sure, which is you need to prioritize your chosen family. It's not to say that we cut out your family virgin. It's not to say we don't get to have the vacations, but it's a. It's a. It's a turning inwards and protecting the three of you because you have to go home. Your wife has to now rally even just to get home and to go through the next week.

And I think something that I've learned is I would go to my family and say, listen, this is an awesome trip. When do we start planning? Next year. And my wife's not feeling well. We've got a lot going on. We're gonna head back. Thanks again. It was a wicked trip. There's just a way to do it that has context and warmth and.

And the reassurance families need reassurance. We love you guys. We had a great trip. This time is so special.

All the things.

All the things. And this isn't even talked about in this question from Amy. I often wonder, like, what's the toddler? What's the grandparent grandchild dynamic like?

Lots there. I think that's why we like this question.

Yeah. All right, hit some. Thanks for sharing. I'm. I'm really glad we got to go into this one. It did. It really does hit home. Okay, so if you take one thing from today's episode, let it be this. Avoiding your partner's disappointment might feel easier in the moment, but over time, it costs you your voice, your well being, and your connection. Boundaries protect you and they also protect your relationship.

And sometimes you just gotta sit in that discomfort so you're both better off in the long run. It's not easy.

And take it from us, we're here sitting in our own discomfort all the time. When it comes to just navigating all the things, we don't get to bypass discomfort in life.

But I just want to call like, it's, like it's not. It's not easy to do and it's. And I think on the flip side, it's easier to avoid. Let's call it what it is.

Yes. Yeah.

But it doesn't give you the outcome you desire.

Okay. We'd love to hear your thoughts. Have you ever found yourself saying yes when you really want to say no? Share your story with us. Go over to instagram Send me a dm. Let us know what stood out from you today and if you found today's conversation helpful, please take a moment to, like subscribe and leave me a review. It really helps other listeners find the show, join the conversation and keep us going. All right, thanks for being here with us and we'll see you next time on Dear Dr. Tracy, I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider.

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As a psychologist and a parent of two kids, I know just how powerful it is when a child feels confident and supported in how they learn. Every child is unique. One of mine thrives with structure, while the other flourishes when they have more space and flexibility. What I've learned both at home and in my work is that when we honor how we learn, we unlock space. So much potential. That's why it's so important to give kids learning environments that match their needs and strengths, because when they feel seen and empowered, they shine. This episode is sponsored by K12 K12 powered schools are tuition free, accredited online public schools for kindergarten to grade 12. They're designed to meet kids where they're at, helping them learn at their own pace, in their own environment with a flexible, engaging curriculum that supports their learning style and the best practices part. You're not on your own. K12 schools aren't homeschooling. They provide state certified teachers trained in online education who bring lessons to life with hands on tools and technology. They also offer extracurriculars, social opportunities and in person events so your child stays connected and supported inside and out of the classroom. After serving more than 3 million families and building over 25 years of expertise, K12 might be exactly what your child needs to thrive emotionally, socially and academically. Go to k12.comtracy today to find a tuition free K12 powered school near you and enroll. Now. That's k12.comtracy.