How to Share Your Feelings Without Triggering Defensiveness

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Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go-to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries, in-laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together, we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, your guide to creating relationships that feel good.

Have you ever tried to share something vulnerable with your partner only to have the conversation spiral into an argument? Maybe you've said something like, I didn't tell you because I was afraid of how you'd react. It sounds honest, right? And it sounds vulnerable when you use the word, I was afraid.

But is it?

In this episode, Greg and I unpack a subtle but important difference when we're genuinely sharing our fears and insecurities and when we're unintentionally disguising blame as vulnerability. Because there's a huge difference between saying to your partner, I'm afraid you'll reject me, and saying, I'm afraid of your reaction. One invites connection and the other often invites defensiveness. And if this happens to be you, you'll get stuck in your negative cycle over and over again. And hey, if you haven't yet, be sure to go check out my free quiz. I have two quizzes for you. One is to figure out what negative cycle you get stuck in, but then the other one is what helps you repair and feel close after The Fight. I absolutely love this quiz because it's going to give you the specific script that you can copy and paste and send to your partner and say, hey, I've just learned this about myself, and here is what I need after we have conflict that will help us feel close again.

I absolutely love that quiz.

I've got the links for you in the show notes. In this episode, Greg and I also explore another question that shows up in so many relationships. When you're explaining yourself after a conflict, are helping your partner understand you better, or are you protecting yourself from feeling the impact of their hurt? If you've ever walked away from a conversation thinking, that's not what I meant, this episode is for you.

Last night's experience with the kids is a great segue into the question I want to ask you today for the 100 questions.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm. I can't wait to hear.

Okay. So this question is from our 100 Questions to Deepen Your Connection. If you're new here to the podcast, thanks for clicking play. I'm so glad that you're joining me. I'm Dr. Tracy Dalgleish. I'm sitting with my husband Greg, and we're bringing to life these real conversations around relationships and everything in between. And one of the things we like to do is we like to share a question from our 100 Questions Guide. And something we really like about this guide is that it helps you to talk about the things that you wouldn't normally access. Yep. And you had shared before, it's really about the stories that come out of it that help us to feel closer and more connected.

Yeah. To me, it's not, it's often not the specific question that's asked and even the answer. It's kind of the memories that it elicits and the stories that come with it. Again, someone who's not great with memory, these are really great prompts to kind of go back in time, for lack of a better term.

So yeah. And I love the conversations we've had out of these, but if you're looking to grab this guide, we've got the link in the show notes and you can start feeling that deeper connection this weekend. All right, Greg. What one skill do you wish you had learned earlier as a kid that would help you today? Thinking about what we went through last night too. I'm wondering what that would be.

Uh, to not procrastinate and have some better tools around planning and homework and that kind of thing. I think I would've done a lot better in school if I had some of those tools.

And I think it needs to start, unfortunately, a little bit earlier than We thought last night was such an experience of a both/and with our kids in the sense of this is such a normal experience.

Totally.

Around procrastination, around doing a piece of homework, and then that anxiety that builds up beforehand and the spiral, the I'll never get this done, I'll never be able to do this. So there's like, yes, this is like an experience that's normal. It's normal to procrastinate at this age. It's normal to put it last. And then in the same breath, you and I talked about how these are some skills and tools that we wish we had learned earlier. For sure. I didn't get a chance to tell you this, but this kid described it like the death spiral. Really?

Yes.

Crazy. Which is such an experience of anxiety and panic because we know when people have their first panic attack, they end up in the ER because they think they're dying. They think it's their heart, which is that experience of this is so big, I'm never going to get out of this. Oh my God. And it was really interesting to hear a child describe it that way. Yeah. And also too, how normal it is to have that reaction. Cause I think sometimes what parents do today, I can see kind of your face. So I'm wondering, I think sometimes we see our kids have these experiences and then our panic goes off.

Maybe a little bit.

Yeah. Like, oh no, what? Is there something going on?

Maybe not panic, but like we, what did we miss in the interim? Cause I also asked this kid, how long have you known about this? Right.

Long time. Well, what was a long time though? A week, 2 weeks?

Probably a week or 2.

Yeah. I mean, I think they had been working on it for a while.

Or not. But anyways.

In class.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. Right. So there was something that was due today and we worked through it. So, and when I thought about the question of asking you this today, I thought, yeah, it's really interesting because what I ended up doing last night was kind of turning into this mini CBT therapist of, okay, tell me about the last time you did this. How did that go? Oh, you got through it. Okay.

Look at the evidence there. Yeah.

Okay, let's slice this thinner. How much weight does this have in the whole year of what you're experiencing and how you're— how the outcome's going to be?

Interesting.

Yeah, so that perspective shifting was really important. And also noticing my own urge— I hijacked your question, I'm so sorry— but noticing my own urge to want to just make the feeling go away, to not allow my kid to sit through anxiety and frustration and fear. And for me to want to be like— it was such a gut emotional— like, it was just this like, ah, it was so primal and visceral of like, okay, we'll just wrap this up. We don't have to do this right now. We'll go to bed, we'll have a good night's sleep, and we'll start tomorrow.

I'm really glad you didn't though, because this is exactly what parents have been doing. We talked in a previous episode about emotional bypassing. It's like they're doing that for their kids. I'm not a parenting expert, but man, I believe it does a massive disservice to them. And some of the parenting experts who I believe have said similar stuff.

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Well, and there's a spectrum. This isn't helicopter parenting. Helicopter parenting is over and managing everything, managing the outcome. Is this snowplow parenting where we're like removing the emotion, removing where we say we're not going to keep score on the soccer team anymore to see who won or lost. We're just going to take away that.

Yeah.

Is it snowplow?

Anyways, I don't know.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. We all know what, we all know what you're talking about.

Yeah.

And it's the other end of the spectrum.

Right.

And it, I believe it's not helping our children.

Yes.

And I also don't, rant almost over, I actually also question what the, some of the schools are doing to either almost exacerbate this.

Hmm. I'm not too sure what you mean, but I'm, my brain keeps thinking about the, like, do you mean in terms of not helping them learn tools to deal with frustration?

Yeah. They put them on the screen and say, build this, build this thing, and then you have to present it in a week.

Right.

And maybe they are doing it in fairness, and I don't know.

And we don't know about it. Yeah. I think there's that piece of it. This is kind of an interesting part though. I'm thinking about one of Dr. Becky's videos that went around, around the frustration piece and around— Greg's just giving me the time signal. And yes, I know about the time. I just wanted to finish this part. Thank you so much.

It's good.

But this idea between this discomfort of not knowing something and then being in the learning space and then learning something. And it is about tolerating frustration. That's what I teach my clients. And I always remember the first time in my own therapy saying to my psychologist many years ago, I'm frustrated that I do this people-pleasing thing. I'm so frustrated. And she said, good, be frustrated because that's the moment you'll want to change. So I love telling my clients to be frustrated. Okay. Hey, Let's talk about this conversation today. Hang on. Oh, sorry. Hang on.

Part of this question to work.

Oh, yeah.

Is you have to ask each other, Dr. Tracy Dalgleish.

Oh, that's why.

So you can maybe answer yours a little more succinctly. But the question I'm going to mirror back to you.

I wish I had learned to be okay with my feelings earlier on.

Isn't that interesting?

Big answer.

Tight time. Big answer.

Yeah, right. But, but again, you think of the context in which we grew up in. Feelings weren't okay back then. And that was a really hard learning piece for me to then really just be okay with them. And I think that would have been a big contributor to some of my own frustration that I experienced, some of the times where I would be really porous with my boundaries and not express what I need and then grow resentment underneath that. And so they all tie together. So that's how I— just knowing that I'm a highly sensitive person too, it would have been quite different.

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Okay, um, we're just kind of doing this off the cuff here. Do we have time to talk about that, like, defensiveness? I kind of want to do that piece, the defensive, like, you're being defensive versus explaining. Sure. I want to do this because I think this is like the theme of communication. So we started this conversation and I said, we need to have this conversation because what is the difference between explaining yourself, explaining where you're coming from, and then defensiveness? And truthfully, in the context of where this came up is there was someone who had commented on one of my reels and it was a really interesting comment. And so I had reflected back what they said and validated it and then provided an explanation of where the reel was coming from. And then someone else came in. It's always interesting to watch comments. Someone else came in and said, well, you're just being defensive. And when comments come in like this, first, I value my community so deeply. And so when someone's going to hold a mirror up for me, I'm going to think, huh, I better think about this.

Even if they don't agree, which is really important.

Yeah, right. So I don't want everyone to just hold this like parrot up to me and be like, oh, so great, so great. No, challenge my thinking. I love that. So I took a step back, and then I came to you and I said, huh, am I being defensive when I explain this? And then what's the difference? And you and I were both like, wow, I bet people really struggle with this one.

It's a fine line.

It is a fine line.

I, I think it's very context dependent. Mhm. Are you interacting within a romantic relationship? Are you explaining something you've put out on social media in a public forum? I think the, the relational to someone you're married with is much different than some rando on the internet.

Yeah.

Even if you value that they're engaging with your stuff.

Yeah.

Because there's this piece around— we've talked about this before— in person, would that person say it the same way to your face? Right?

Yes. Because we say oftentimes a lot of hurtful things from the keyboard. Sure. So you're bringing up the first piece right there, which is really about context. Context really matters when we're talking about something and how things are brought up. Up. So are we in a romantic relationship? Are we at work trying to figure something out? What's kind of happening? Yeah, like, let's talk about what's the difference. I go back to the bridge analogy that I often talk about, about how two people will be standing on their own sides of the bridge, and our job is to walk across the bridge and to try to understand where the other person is coming from, and then to then take turns doing that, essentially, right? And that is an invitation. In order to invite someone over, I think the first thing we have to do is to validate what the other person is experiencing, to say, oh, hey, I recognize— yeah, I understand how you can experience that way. My mind can see how your mind thinks that, and that makes sense, right? That's a form of validation.

That's self-other in a way.

Yeah, right.

I think the challenge with that, and correct me if I'm wrong, might be like that requires a higher level of emotional intelligence. I think. Yeah.

Or no. And strengthening emotional intelligence is also about slowing things down and pausing. And actually that leads into what we're talking about today. But yeah, it is the— like, I'm going to slow down. I'm going to think about what I'm experiencing in this moment. And then I want to get really curious about what you're experiencing. That's one piece. But I think there's this other element in here where if I'm providing you information around about where I'm coming from, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm being defensive. It means I'm perhaps giving information to you.

Context.

Yeah, context. And so then where's the line? And I think the context is often what that line is, right? Yeah. So I come home late and you say, oh, you're late, why are you late? And if I explain to you why I'm late, is that me being defensive or is it me giving you information about where I'm coming from?

I think in this case, language and tone would play a big impact on I think you could literally say the same things in two different ways and the results be different.

Yeah.

In this definition.

I'm late because I stopped to get the butter. That would be an explanation versus the— here's where the defensiveness is. The defensiveness is the shield, the protection. I'm not going to let anything that you're experiencing infiltrate me and I'll throw it back on you, which looks like, why would you even ask about why I'm late? You know why I'm late. Yeah. So deflection, dismissing. It's not a big deal that I'm late. Let's just move forward. I'm home now anyways. Dismissing. Yeah. Denial. Denial is—

I wasn't late.

I wasn't late. Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah. So that really is where that defensiveness comes in. So let's really think about explaining defensiveness. And if we're overexplaining, that might be part of a defensiveness where you're starting to like give all these things and it leads into defensiveness. It might not start out that way, right? Exactly. And this is the piece too with the uptake of these words where people are so quick to say, 'You're being defensive.' Well, no, actually. I mean, I'm curious to understand what leads you to experience that. It's interesting because that wasn't how I showed up in that way, but there's something about you experiencing that.

So expand on that. Are you saying that this kind of pervasiveness of the psychological language into kind of the everyday lexicon is making this worse because all this psych speak— ironically, the irony is not lost on us, as we said here— but it's everywhere, and it's like, it dilutes the real meaning.

Yes, because what we're looking to do then, and I notice this happening more and more, is that people are trying to put things into boxes, right? You're defensive, I put you in a box. You're gaslighting me, I'm putting you in a box. That's a You're being manipulative. I put you in a box and our brains like to do this. Our brains stereotype intentionally because we categorize information faster. But as a result, we lose the nuance and the context of what it means to be relational. Yeah, what it means to be co-creating our worlds with other people.

It's the internet age stereotypes. Yeah, we've gone from physical stereotypes to emotional ones in a way. Yeah, yeah, it's kind of gross, truthfully.

Yeah, it's sticky. Okay, anyways, so today's conversation is how people express themselves, and it's a really normal way of expressing themselves actually, but it's a sticky one that shows up in our relationships because it ends up putting the issue on the other person. That's interesting, eh? So this is an expression that I know we've all said at one point or another, which is— and we're going to break this apart and then talk about how to move through it.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So when you say to your partner, I want to tell you this, but I'm afraid of your reaction. And just to start, I think this is such a normal way. It's a common way for people to start a conversation.

It feels like a soft start.

It feels like a soft start because you're starting with, I'm afraid. I want to tell you something. And then you have the feeling, I'm afraid. And we do talk about that soft startups being, you know, I want to share something with you. This is how I'm feeling. This is something I'm experiencing. Soft startups are very much internal. They're going inwards and they're asking yourself, what is it that I'm feeling? But the challenge in this is that it focuses on the other person and puts it back on them, which is a really hard way then to build connection and intimacy.

Yeah, this is a really interesting one because it sounds like you're doing all the right things, right? Until those last three words.

I'm afraid to tell you this, or I want to tell you this, okay, but I'm afraid of your reaction.

Yeah.

Yeah. And so it really does then take your own fears and put it on the other person instead of you going inside of yourself and owning what it is that you are afraid of. So what are you afraid of when, when you say that? So people listening, I'm, I'm first curious if you have ever heard this or if you've ever said this to your partner. I know we've said it to each other. I want to tell you this, but I'm afraid of your reaction. So just pause. Pause the episode, send me a DM. I want to hear from you. Go over on Instagram @DrTracyDalgleish.

Or if your partner does that to you. Yes. If you're the receiver. Yeah.

Air quotes. Or maybe even if you're kind of listening and thinking, oh, I don't know, sometimes. And it's interesting because it's kind of a gut feeling of like, oh, something doesn't feel good in here, but what is it? You're telling me you're afraid, but I'm not sure I quite understand. Anyways, kind of give yourself a little marker and see if you notice maybe even you doing it over the next week or so, or maybe even hearing it with your partner.

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So let's talk about why this doesn't work. This doesn't work because you are putting your experience onto the other person. It's almost a backhanded blame. So it's like if you were different. So I'm going to reframe how this comes out. I see what you mean. Yeah. If you were different, then I could not feel so afraid and tell you this.

Yeah. Yeah. It's your fault.

It's your fault.

In so many words.

In so many words. Yeah.

So it's like, oh, it's really interesting.

Yeah. And so I think we then want to again start slowing down how it is that we communicate things. And what it is that is really happening inside of us. This is also one of those places where your negative cycle can completely take off and create distance, create conflict, anger, frustration. And sometimes it's maybe even confusing because I know you and I had talked about this and it's like, well, I'm trying to tell you that I'm feeling scared to tell you something.

It's a little bit confusing.

Okay. Yeah. So let's get really clear then. What we want to do in communication is to build intimacy and vulnerability. In order to do that, we have to take risks. We have to step into the relational arena and we have to let the other person know what our experience is. But we stop ourselves from doing that by then displacing it onto the other person. Yeah. Because if you respond differently, then I'd actually be able to do this. Yeah. But instead, for people listening, the question then becomes, what's actually happening for me? What am I afraid of? What am I afraid of happening inside of me? And that's what we want to be able to share. So the way we then want to rephrase this is by going inwards and into ourselves, which is going to sound like, I want to tell you this, but I'm afraid of rejection, but I'm afraid that I'm not enough, that I'm afraid that actually I don't really matter.

It's a subtle difference, eh, because you're saying the same thing, but in the end you're kind of coming back to yourself instead of that dumping onto the other partner. It really is a subtle difference, but powerful.

It's such a subtle difference that I think could completely change how a conversation goes for a couple.

For sure. Because if that's how you're starting with this implicit blame, like, it's not a great start.

And it's confusing, I think, because then when we say, well, I started by telling you I'm afraid, I started with a feeling, I told you my feelings. Yeah. Well, hang on. Yes, the feeling was attached to a blame, though, right? Because then you're saying if you were different, if you could do all this stuff, then, then we'd be fine. And so the subtle shift is going into yourself and trying to understand, what am I feeling? What do I need? Yeah. And it's often not anger and frustration. That's the secondary emotion. That's the emotion that's protecting you from feeling the deeper stuff. The core emotion in there is something softer and much more painful. It's often around fear, sadness, loss, pain. And they're attached to these core needs and longings that are really hard for us to talk about. This is not about the house being clean. This is not about planning a date night or, you know, who's doing bedtime with the kids. This is about, do I matter to you? Yeah. Am I important to you?

That's good. Okay, so in that moment, you talked about slowing down. How do we execute this?

Mm-hmm. Well, I think when it comes to communication, we do want to spend more time beforehand, reflecting on what it is. Okay, the awareness. So awareness first, it's always awareness first. What's actually happening for me? What am I struggling with? Oh, okay, there's that feeling again, or there's this event that happened. Maybe even starts with an event, and oftentimes events are outward. We think of what the other person does. Okay, so we've got the event now, but, and we've got something that feels sticky, it feels hard. Maybe you're angry and frustrated. This is the anger part. And then we need to then go underneath that, and that is sometimes about doing some journaling, going for a walk. It's about maybe even thinking to yourself, what does this remind me of? What's the hard feeling underneath here?

So I think what you're saying is you're planning this conversation in a way.

Yeah, right. And again, vulnerability is what we want to go for because that leads to connection, leads to emotional closeness, it leads to overall intimacy. And that's what we want. And so if we're struggling with vulnerability and we go to our partner and say, I want to tell you this, but I'm afraid of your reaction. Like, if you're trying to be vulnerable and to open up to build emotional connection, that's going to backfire. So instead, slowing it down, taking time to reflect on it. What's this actually about? I'm thinking even of the, the new guide that we released about our stories, the assumptions and perceptions we tell each other ourselves about each other in our relationship. Sometimes it's even about asking yourself, what story am I stuck in right now?

Yeah. And what's the narrative you're perpetuating?

Yeah. And that story might be, he doesn't care about me. Okay, great. Identified the story. But now what's underneath the story? And sometimes that can even be a sentence completion of I'm afraid I need or I long for, which are really, you know, in some ways those are hard things to ask ourselves.

They feel big.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But for many of us, we've never really done that before. So it feels like you're flexing this new skill. And with saying that, this is a skill, it's a different way of communicating. And as you train muscles, the muscle gets stronger. As you practice this, it'll get stronger and it won't take so much time. Time to be able to, to do it next time, right? So you then take some time, reflect on what this is, and then sharing it with your partner. And sharing it, we need to choose timing. Timing is really important when we share something. If you're going to be vulnerable, it doesn't work when their hand— door is on the handle and they're about to go out to that big meeting. But to be able to share from that softer position and that place of vulnerability. And then the other experience though is, and every time I do this with my clients, especially when I'm working individually, and I ask them What do you think your partner would do in this moment? And the response is, oh, I know that they would respond in a softer way. I know this brings them closer.

For some people, when they use that better startup.

Yes, because that softness brings people in rather than I'm afraid of your reaction. Boom, I'm putting it on you. Yeah.

Interesting. Be curious to hear from people. Is this something that happens a lot for them? I haven't given it a ton of thought, but it sounds like it's something that comes up with your clients quite a bit.

Yeah, it does, because it's the sticking point in terms of how we communicate and how we get our partners to understand what's the inside piece. Can we actually go inside ourselves and share that part rather than making it about them and what they do? Right. Yeah. What would be some other examples? Some other examples could be something like, I would have—

yeah, I was going to ask this, so keep going.

Yeah, I would have said yes to have sex last night, but you blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. It can show up in many different ways.

In many different ways.

Or this deflection or putting back on.

Yeah. And instead of saying last night I didn't say yes to having sex because I felt lonely and disconnected, that's me inside, not deflecting, putting it back on you and what you've done, which is so different.

So different. Yeah. Even just to hear you say it.

And then here's the piece too, is that if your partner doesn't meet you in that vulnerability, then you don't need to keep pressing to try to get them to understand it. But what's important is that you have communicated that you've put that out there.

Kind of planted a seed, eh?

You plant a seed and maybe then they'll come back to it. But you know that you've communicated in a way for them to try to understand you, and then you have more information. Yeah. So it's not about escalating. Ah, see, I try to be vulnerable with you and then you don't even understand me.

Yeah.

No, it could take some times of trying it this way, and it might even then have another conversation around, you know, I've been trying to come to you with a little bit more vulnerability, and I've noticed that we just keep missing each other.

Yeah, I think it's important to flag that because some of these scripts, for lack of a better term, that you're offering are very good and very strong, but we can't control their reaction and we might not always get the reaction we want. Yeah, but it's still the right thing to do. And I think what you just said is important. You're going to get more information. You're definitely going to get more information from how they respond to this versus you dumping your shit onto them. Right? Think about it. If it's like a fact-finding mission.

Yeah.

Might not go the way you want, but that's, uh, totally, that's key.

Okay. So this is kind of, it's like we're taking apart this one sentence and trying to reframe what to do differently in these moments. So the goal in our communication is connection and understanding. And the goal for intimate partners is around intimacy and vulnerability. And anytime we communicate something, we want to do that with intentionality. And we want to imagine that we're stepping onto the relational arena into this space of vulnerability and taking a risk. We don't know how it's going to go, and your partner could respond in ways that surprise you or you get more information. But the idea that is when you communicate to make sure you're going into your own stuff and your own experience and those harder emotions and needs rather than putting it back on the other person and asking them to be different in how they show up. And that is a starting place. When it comes to all of this work.

Yeah, big time.

This conversation is such a great example of the in-depth pieces that I teach people inside my Be Connected relational program, where I really do walk, walk people through identifying your triggers. What's your negative cycle? What's actually underneath your cycle? I'm going to give you a clear label of those primary emotions, of all of those longings and needs, and be able to then have different conversations so that you and your partner end up feeling close and more connected. And I have loved supporting people through the 5 years that this program has been available online for people. So if you are ready to learn something different in your relationship and to feel closer and let go of those resentments, I've got the link in the show notes for Be Connected that people can go there.

I think it's really cool too with Be Connected is I'm thinking of someone who's maybe struggling to have this hard conversation or speak like this. Like it's, it's a skill. It's not Estelle, is you going to do— you do a monthly coaching call.

Yes.

Where people come in, they get their questions answered, they interact with you live.

It's one of my favorite parts of the program.

It's cool. I do some of the video editing, so I see the detail and depth of the responses that you do. Like, like, you're not just— you're answering questions sometimes for like 20, 30 minutes. Like, it's significant. And the value that folks get from this program— I'm biased, obviously, but it's pretty, pretty incredible.

Yeah, thank you. It's been so cool to walk with people through this journey and to have them make real changes in their relationship and to learn along with me in such a different way and also in multiple different ways, videos and guides.

All right.

All right.

Let's wrap up. Thanks for joining me here. If anything from today's episode resonated with you, if you and your partner are working through these communication challenges, please share my episode. If you enjoyed it, don't forget to click the stars. Leave me a review. I read them all. And this is also what helps helps people find the podcast is when you leave me a review and subscribe. So I also have to remind you that this information is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider. I'll see you next week. Take good care of you.

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