How to Stop Chasing Accountability From Your Mother-in-Law

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One of the hardest parts of the mother-in-law conflict is that the thing you want most can become the very thing keeping you stuck. Okay, let me explain what I mean. And first, let me just say I'm so glad that you clicked play. And if you haven't, please check out some of the other episodes I have that are specific to the mother-in-law conflict and building healthy in-law relationships. There are several episodes that also answer your questions specifically. And if you haven't yet, I'm pointing behind me, do check out my book, You, Your Husband and His Mother. This is a book that is helping couples finally get on the same team and to feel like they know what to say with the person that they are standing in front of. Because of course, when we have a pattern of behavior, we can understand what type of mother-in-law you have.

Okay.

So here's what commonly happens in my therapy office. I sit in front of daughters-in-law and I hear these genuinely painful stories. They tell me about being blamed, criticized, left out, talked about behind their backs, or treated as though they are the main problem in the family. Okay. And if you've also just landed here because maybe a friend sent you my podcast, or you have finally said, I need to listen to something about this. And when you're hearing this for the first time, I know for so many people, they think, Wait, it's not just me. I'm not crazy. And I need to emphasize, no, it is not just you. It is not you being crazy. And I think this is one of the big struggles around the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law dynamic is because we don't speak out about it. And most people will say yes, they have a good relationship with their mother-in-law, but that doesn't mean that things that have happened between their families hasn't impacted them and their relationship. Okay. I digress. So I want you to know it is not just you. So here's the thing, it makes complete sense that when somebody, your in-laws, or maybe you're even thinking of your own family, as many people do when they listen to my episodes, it makes sense that you want accountability. Accountability, ownership, and responsibility, those are three— I love those three words. Accountability, responsibility, ownership. Those three words just go so well together. And they are also this trend. I don't wanna call them a trend right now, but there is this heightened awareness of what we're asking for in relationships. We want repair that talks about accountability. We want relationships with friends and others who can actually sit in front of us and say, hey, I'm gonna own my shit. So you want someone to say, I can see how I hurt you. You want your experience to be acknowledged. You want them to finally show that they understand the impact of their behavior. So I'm going to sit here first, and I just want you to hear me when I say this, there is nothing wrong with that. Yes, it makes complete sense to want that in a healthy relationship. And the challenge here, this is a really big hangup. It shows up with so many of the people I work with because unfortunately many people show up to me after having made several attempts and spiraling and getting even more stuck and they're struggling. The challenge is that some people simply do not have the capacity, the willingness, or even a desire to be able to offer that kind of accountability. And that is so tricky because instead something else ends up happening. Okay, here's what I commonly see. You then start explaining. You explain, here's what you did that hurt me. Here are my feelings. You start out calm and respectful about how something has affected you. You use all the things that we talk about in our therapy sessions together. You use I statements, you try not to be defensive, you choose your words carefully, but here's the hangup. Somehow by the end of the conversation, you are the one apologizing, or you are the one defending yourself, or you are the one now that you're being told that you are too sensitive, that you are the one who misunderstands things, that you are the one causing problems. And you're the one dividing the family. And so that conversation ends up shifting away from their behavior and then gets twisted around and focused on you and your behavior. So if you have ever experienced that, I want you to know you are not imagining it. And this is an incredibly common pattern and it's where so many daughters-in-law get stuck. And I think it also becomes a sticking place in so many relationships because then you go well-intentioned, you go to your partner and you say, "You need to get your mother to understand." Or maybe you even think, "Maybe I didn't explain myself well enough." Or you go into the loops that I've talked about in recent podcast episodes where you say, "Maybe if I say it differently," or "Maybe if my husband explains it," or "Maybe after enough time has passed." And then here's the piece: you keep returning to the same conversation, hoping that finally you'll receive the accountability that you've been looking for. And the hang-up here is that every time you go back to that place, you are placing your sense of peace into someone else's hands. I want to let that one land for you. Every time you go back to that conversation expecting, hoping, wishing, needing, demanding— maybe that word's too far, but just hoping that they can take accountability— you are placing your sense of peace into someone else's hands because you are waiting for the other person to give you permission to move forward. And that right there is such an incredibly powerless place to be. And I think one of the most important shifts that I help people make is recognizing that you do not have to wait for someone else to change before you decide how you want to show up. Because here's what you know: when you are holding your own peace, when you are holding the power inside of you, you can stop waiting. Not because what happened was okay, and not in any way because you're pretending it didn't hurt. And it is also not about you just giving up and saying, okay, well, you know, I guess this is here. You're accepting an incredibly difficult truth in here. And that is that this person is showing me exactly who they are. And now that they have shown me who they are repeatedly, not once, repeatedly, Now I get to decide, what do I want to do with that information? And that completely changes the question that you ask yourself. You are no longer going to keep asking yourself, how do I finally get my mother-in-law to understand me? You instead begin asking, knowing what I know now, how do I want to be in this relationship? How much access do I want this person to have of me? What conversations am I willing to have? What boundaries help me stay connected to myself? How do I want to show up at family gatherings? What support do I need from my partner? I love that last one because that's exactly what my Vault Method does in step 5, which is taking action. You and your partner actually deciding what does it look like now that you've accepted who this person is, and how do we then feel more like a team? And I want to emphasize that these are empowering questions because they place your attention back on the one person you actually have influence over, and that's yourself. And I know sometimes people worry that accepting who someone is, is this like in some way you holding a grudge or you giving permission to them to treat you this way. I think it's really important for me to emphasize here, that's not what it is because acceptance is not agreement. Acceptance is not approval. Acceptance is simply dropping the rope. You're putting the rope down and you are seeing reality clearly enough that you can make wise decisions from a place where you hold the power within yourself. When we stop insisting that another person become someone they have repeatedly shown us that they are not, we actually end up freeing ourselves to respond differently. We stop chasing them. We stop convincing them of who we actually are. We stop explaining ourselves over and over again, and instead, we begin building a life that reflects our values, our boundaries, and the kinds of relationships we actually want to create. All right, if this one resonates with you, I want you to hold in mind this one question. It's not, how do I get her to finally understand me? How do I get her to take accountability? The moment you ask that question, you are giving your power to her. But instead, what I want you to ask yourself is, knowing what I know now, how do I want to show up? That question has the power to change not only your relationship with your mother-in-law, but the relationship you have with yourself. All right. Thanks for clicking play. I'll see you next time.