https://www.listennotes.com/e/35ca2fd4baa547c4acb2ec7a4795821d

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And thanks to Hilton and Auto camp, I just slept under them. Picture me serving looks by the fire outside my luxurious Airstream, making s' mores with the kids while a national park is our backdrop. The great outdoors meets Hilton hospitality. That's hot. Explore all the new ways to stay@hilton.com, hilton for the stay. Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy, clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries in laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together, we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good. I was getting ready to give a corporate talk recently, the kind where I would be standing in front of a room full of leaders and decision makers, and the expectations were high. I wanted to deliver something impactful and also something polished. And right before I walked into the building, that voice showed up. Who do you think you are? You don't belong here. You're going to mess this up and they'll all know you're a fraud. This voice wasn't loud, but wow, she is so persistent and also so familiar. My chest got tight, my palm started to get more sweaty, and for a moment I wanted to shrink back just a little so I wouldn't have to fully be seen. But here's what I've come to understand. That voice. It's not all of me. It's a part of me. A younger, protective part that's been with me for a long time. A part of me thinks if I doubt myself first. Maybe I can avoid the sting of someone else doing it for me. But learning to see it as just a part, not the truth, not the whole of who I am has been one of the most important shifts in how I show up. Because once we stop pushing those voices down and start getting curious about them, we create space. Space to choose differently. Before we dive in and I tell you about today's guest, I want to take a quick pause. If this podcast has been meaningful to you in any way, I'd be so grateful if you could tap the stars or leave a quick review. It's a small thing, but it really helps more people find their way here. And it also keeps conversations like this one going. Now I'm so excited to share today's conversation with you. I am sitting with Brit Frank. Thank you. Therapist, educator and author of Align your mind. In this episode we explore what it really means to understand the different parts of ourselves and how this kind of self awareness can help us move from self doubt and stuckness into clarity, alignment and trust. We had such an authentic conversation. I just know you're going to enjoy today's episode. Let's get into it. Brit, your book title is so compelling. Align your mind. And I just know we are going to have a great conversation. So thank you for joining me here in the podcast.

Thank you so much for having me and bearing with all my multiple parts of my minds that are hanging out with us right now and interfering too.

And all, all of our parts that show up. So here's your book. So for people who are watching, but I'm holding up align your mind, tame your inner critic and make peace with your shadow. You using the power of parts work. So first, congratulations on your second book. The the science of stuck is your first one. It's on my bookshelf in my other office and it's just been. I mean yeah, your stories are so powerful, but let's, let's just even sink into what does it actually mean to align your mind.

And I called it align your mind intentionally. Not fix it, not change it, not erase it, not kill your ego. Because alignment is about the relationship that we have with ourselves. When our tires are aligned, they're in right relationship to each other and our car goes when our spine is aligned, everything is in its place and life. Our bodies work easier. And I think we're all taught that we have to hate these parts of ourselves or tell the inner critic to shut up and kill your ego. It's all very aggressive. And what if we didn't need to amputate parts of us. What if we could align them and have life work even when it's loud in our, you know, inside our heads?

I love that idea of alignment instead of this, how do we get rid of something or how do we fix it and make it go away? Because that's what a lot of our clients come in initially saying is, I feel this experience, like anxiety, and I don't want to feel this anymore.

Right? And I hear. And you hear. We all hear it, right? I hate the part of me that scrolls all night. I hate the part of me that binges on food. I hate my anxiety. I hate my depression. And the problem is, is if you're in a fight with a part of yourself, you're never going to win. And so we need a different way to think about thinking, which is why I love parts work so much, and I didn't invent it. Parts work has been around forever. I just took the internal family Systems model by Dr. Richard Schwartz and went rogue with it.

So let's even do a little dabbling in that for people who don't know about internal family systems. I said this morning to my husband, oh, I'm sitting with Brit. We're going to be talking about parts work. And he said, what's parts work? I said, it's ifs, of course. And he says, what's ifs? So let's. Let's pull that back just a little bit and tell us what is internal family systems.

I always say to people outside the wellness world, it's the most amazing method you've never heard of. And so if you've seen the movie Inside out, that's parts work. That movie is actually based on that model of therapy that we were talking about, ifs. And it's the idea that your mind is not this one evil blob that's out to destroy you, but you've got this very colorful cast of characters inside your head, right? Running around. And when anxiety is running the show, life's not going to work well. But anxiety is not the problem. It's a part of you. It's needed. We just don't want it behind the steering wheel. Parts work helps you reorganize all those characters inside your head so your life runs better.

Okay, so let's break this open a little bit more. So parts, how do they show up? What do they do? What do they sound like when people.

Say, well, how do I know if I have parts? And my husband is cute? Because he goes, well, I Don't really have any parts, but I support you. I'm like, that's, that's one of your parts is showing. So you'll know that you've got a part of you that's in action. If you are feeling anything less than your most competent, capable adult self, you know those days where you're absolutely killing it. You're like, I've got the laundry in the dryer and it's put away in the school pickup and the work thing and I am in flow that doesn't usually last. If you're feeling anything less than confident, capable and open minded and not calm in terms of how, but regulated and able to make decisions if you're not feeling that and it's safe to assume one of your parts has showed up.

I know one part in my journey of this work that I do in the writing author space, in podcasting as well. I have this critic part. Can you talk to us about what people's critics sound like?

You have the critic, I have the critic. I saw a thing with Michelle Obama that she has a critic. And it's a very human experience. And this idea that we evolve and heal to a place where the critical voice that self doubting they're going to think you're a fraud. That voice doesn't ever go away. And again, the challenge is not to get rid of it. The challenge is to recognize that it's trying to help. If you imagine you're inner critic like a toddler going, I hate you, you stink. And less like a, a God of your existence telling you who you are, it becomes a lot less urgent to listen to it. When I even right now, as we're talking, my voice is going, oh my God, her background is so cool. I want like a textured dark gray background. My background sucks. As we're talking, I'm hearing that it's problem. It's okay. I notice that it's there. And I could choose to have a conversation with it, I can choose to indulge it, or I can choose to notice it and move on with my day. But we're not taught that you don't actually have to listen to every single voice or follow every single impulse and you can have a relationship with them just like you would any human.

Yes. And when we even just call that out, it just really brings this humanity to people in general, you know, and it's interesting to hear what your part was doing right there. Because my part often at the start of podcast is, oh no, am I a good interviewer? Do I even know how to run a podcast? Nobody's going to listen to this one download, Tracy. You'll get one download and it's. You know, I'll be thrown out. I'll be. And it's just. It's so interesting when you can start noticing. And I love that word, the. The noticing of what your mind is doing, and then also using the parts language is noticing what that part is saying, what that part has this theme in it, or when even that part shows up.

Exactly. And even on the more extreme cases, I mean, everyone has a critic. I have OCD and complex trauma and a whole bunch of other things. So sometimes the voices inside my head say really, really obnoxious things that are. If I didn't know what was happening would be really terrifying. And we call them intrusive thoughts, which I don't like because I'm like, they're not really intruders. They're traumatized parts of you that don't have any other skills but to run up on stage and do something insane or say something inappropriate in this moment. But when you notice that you're not your thoughts, and your. And every mindfulness tradition has this idea that you're not your thoughts, Your thoughts are not you. You are the observer. You are the. And it's true with parts work, I can notice those really scary thoughts and go, okay, I probably need some food right now. Or I'm probably overloaded sensory wise, and I probably need to take a minute and back off. But I don't have to take those thoughts at literal face you. And that's so powerful. It's like, wait a minute, maybe I don't suck and everything isn't horrible and my wall is just fine, even though it's not the cool one that you have.

You know that moment between work mode and date night mode where you want to make this shift, but everything feels just heavy. You're tired, your brain's still spinning from the day, and just getting out the door can feel like a whole production. That's me. And honestly, sometimes the hardest part isn't where we're going, it's just getting there. And you know how important date time together is for that intentional connection between you and your partner. And so the one thing I never have to think about anymore. My shoes. Whether I'm heading out for a walking date with Greg, because, yes, walking and talking is still one of our favorite ways to connect. Or slipping into something that feels just a bit more elevated for dinner. My Vionix shoes are my go to Right now I'm rotating between the WOC Max, which somehow manages to be both ultra supportive and really sleek, and the Uptown Loafer, which gives me that put together vibe without sacrificing comfort. The Uptown Loafer is like part sneaker, part mock, part miracle. It just works. I wear them with jeans, dresses, even joggers, and they always look right. What makes Bionic different is their VO motion technology. It's all about aligning and supporting your natural movement. These aren't just comfy shoes, they're well being for your feet. And honestly, when I'm comfortable, it's a whole lot easier to show up for fully, whether that's for my clients or for Greg. So if you're looking for shoes that support you literally and emotionally while still looking great, trust me, Bionic has you covered. Use my code tracy at checkout for 15 off your entire order, go to vionics shoes.com log into your account and use my one time code only. It's Tracy for 15 off, check out Vionic Shoes. This is well being for your feet. It's so interesting when we create that separation from it and it is something that we don't learn on our own. This is not part of a school education program. It's not part of, you know, even parenting. How, how are we supposed to know that unless here you are listening to this episode, right? But then there's this experience in front of you. So I often think of my kids and one of them, I talk about dials and how like in, in essence I'm saying parts, right? And one of my kids has this really big future planning part and this one, and I intentionally don't tell if it's my my guy or my girl because just to give them a bit more privacy when I tell stories. But this one is all about looking at the future and I know where it's coming from. It's this kind of anxiety, it's this need to plan. And so what I'm doing. And again, I'm a therapist, so I'm doing this work with my clients every day. I've learned the IFS model, I've worked with it within myself and how powerful that is. So here I am with my little one saying, oh, that's a really interesting part. And it's just this idea that there' and for people listening, I'm putting, I'm taking my hands together and I'm pulling them apart, right? That there's this part of you that shows up here. It's not you, but wow. This part's being really loud right now. Can we turn it down? Can we? So I'd love, I'd love to hear. Well, maybe I'll back up a little bit more. I'm just thinking of the pieces in your book. What types of parts show up for people? Is there a category? Are there different types that you talk about?

Yeah, and it's wild that we're not taught this. And to your point, kids are very inherently connected to their parts. When I walked out of the movie, inside out and out of the second one, all of the kids were like, yeah, that checks out. And the parents were like, mind blown. Like what kids? When you say to them, it sounds like you have a part that's feeling a feeling. They're like, yeah, duh. And so we have an infinite potential of parts. Kind of like our body. We have a lot more parts than anyone not in the medical fields could ever name. I can't name every cell, organ and tissue, but broadly speaking, we have the self, capital S. Self, which is the observer, the eye, the thing that's not the part. Source, consciousness, whatever you want to call it. And then broadly speaking, we all tend to have a critical part or parts. We tend to have a part that feels really young and small. So people say inner child. I'm like, forget child, you've got like inner children. Because some days I'm a terrified toddler, other days I'm like a shy 8 year old. We have younger parts, we have angry teenage parts that are still in their hormonal. Who am I? What is this world I'm in? So little parts. Teenage parts, newly in the adult world parts. You know, when you're feeling totally overwhelmed by life, which is a normal feeling, and you're disconnected from your choices, Likely that's a early 20 somethings part. Like I get overwhelmed at my age, but if I'm like, I can't do anything and I have no options and everything is impossible, I am not conscious of where I am and how old I am. So I would say we've got critical parts, teenage parts and younger parts. Broadly speaking.

I love these moments in therapy. I'm thinking of a couple that I recently worked with where they escalated in front of me. And there are times in couples therapy where the escalation can sometimes just. It comes out of nowhere. And my job is often the traffic controller of stopping it. There are other times where I need to let it play out a little bit so I can see. See what's going on. And so after it played out a little bit I had stopped it and I said, wow, we're really coming from our teenager parts right here, aren't we? Because there was this like anger and this righteousness and it's like the why can't you see me? Why can't you just let me go to the party that all my friends are going? You know, but you're not being fair. And now I have to. Right. Like, it's just this like. And you can, it, it, you can hear it in the words, you can hear it in the tone, you can hear it in the feeling that's coming up.

It's so wild. I am convinced that all adults who are fighting unskillfully are actually in their teenage parts. Being able to manage your. My own teenage parts and recognize the teenage parts of another person. Anyone who's ever argued with an actual teenager knows that's an exercise in futility. Like you're not going to speak logic to a teenage brain on fire. And the same is true politically. The same is true emotionally. And you can see people not acting like capable, intelligent adults. They're acting like really, really hormonal teenagers. Like teenagers. It's very, very obvious. Once you see it, it's hard to unsee it.

Oh my goodness, you're, you're right about that. It really is the. And when I think about the teenager, well, I mean my 10 year old has also been also a lot of like, I know that already, mom. Like, oh, do you think. And I'm getting the 15 year old response already. Right. But the teenager wants to be all knowing. They want their autonomy and their independence. They want their opinions to be heard, they want to be seen. There's, it's a really, it can be a really incredible time when we as adults don't then meet their teenager self with our teenager part.

Oh, mic drop moment. And that's what. And I have compassion for it. I don't have kids, I don't have biological kids. I have a multitude of minor kids. But it's tough when you have an actual human teenager mirroring your own teenage wounds back to you. And then you do regret. Most people who don't know that they have parts will regress to the level of the part they're arguing with. And then you've got not an adult and a teenager working out life. You've got two teenagers going head to head for the title.

Right, right. So, so okay, so that's kind of the. With the teenager. But then I'm thinking of the two adults with the teenager and how then we don't learn those really powerful communication tools. Summer is coming and in our house that means there is a shift in routines. School ends, the days get longer, and staying connected with friends, family, and even just keeping track of everyone now that we're no longer at pickup and drop off feels more important than ever. But you know it shouldn't come with that connection Stressing over your Wireless bill That's why today's podcast sponsor is Mint Mobile. If I needed a wireless plan right now, this is exactly what I'd be using. Greg and I were investigating plans and this is such an amazing offer. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless service on the nation's largest 5G network. With plans starting at just $15 a month. Staying connected shouldn't mean sweating over overages and surprise charges. This summer with Mint Mobile you get high speed data, unlimited talk and text, and you can use your own phone number, keep your phone and bring over all your contacts. No hassle, no hidden fees. And right now you can get three months of premium wireless for just $15 a month. So if simplifying and saving sounds good this summer, skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank. Go to mintmobile.com forward/tracy to shop your plan. That's mintmobile.com T R A C Y upfront payment for $45 for 3 month 5 gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 per month new customer offer for first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. It was one of those nights I was wide awake at 3am, my mind racing through my to do list. Hot one minute, freezing the next. Stress, kids, work, and yes, perimenopause. It all piles on. And somewhere in that blur I realized if I can't control everything as I know that I can't, I can at least control where I rest at the end of the day. The second night in a row of being awake at 3am was the moment I decided to level up our bedding. So after reading several reviews, I ordered the European linen sheets from Quince for their quality and softness. And I just know these sheets are exactly what I need. Woven from 100% European flax linen, these sheets are luxurious without being fussy, and they get softer with every wash. I also ordered a quilt set, and I can't wait to feel our bedroom become a more calm oasis for both of us to end the day. If you've been craving better sleep or just a little more peace at the end of a long day, this is the kind of small change that makes a big difference. Quince makes luxury bedding affordable truly by working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middleman. They offer premium products at half the price of similar brands and they only partner with ethical factories using safe, sustainable practices. If you're looking for something small that makes a big difference, this might be it because we all need to find a sense of calm and peace by how we end our day. Let your bed match the season with cool, relaxed bedding from quince. Go to quince.comtracy for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's Q U I N C E.comtracy before we get to communication tools, because that's between me and somebody else, I also have to do some of this inside work first. So talk a little bit more about the kind of what the parts might be doing for us or what roles they might be playing, or maybe even how we start to understand what they need.

It's such a good question and it can feel really overwhelming, right? You're like, okay, I have this entire system of people I didn't know I had and now what do I do? So before getting into a conversation of any kind, I say like do a pre flight check before you go up into a conversation, check and see how old do I feel right now? And you don't need to know which part and you don't need to know their core wound or their needs. Just ask yourself, how old do I feel right now? And roughly speaking, you're going to be able to quickly go, okay, I feel like I'm out of control, 15 year old. Or I feel like I am a terrified 2 year old. And you're going to get a sense of if you're anything other than your present chronological self, take a minute before having that conversation. And so with our own parts, I would tell people, don't start with the most difficult highest trauma activation. That's not a great way to go about a new practice. It's sort of like if you were to walk into a party where you didn't know people, you're not going to walk up to the most intimidating looking person in the room. You might try to find a friendly face and then go over and talk to them. Everyone listening to this has at least one part who's curious and seeking out information to help make their lives better. Maybe start with the part of you that chose to listen to a podcast because we like that part. We like all our parts, but that part's an easy friendly face in a crowd. Maybe not start with the level 10 shadow parts. Because it's like working out. You don't start with a marathon, you start by taking a walk. Parts work is the same.

I'm thinking of the inner critic part. That was one that was really accessible for me that I could start working with where I, I could start saying, oh wow, look at who just showed up. Right now you're trying to take over the driver's seat. What's happening here right now. And sometimes what was really helpful for me in, in getting to know my parts and understanding how, what role they were playing, what I was doing or experiencing, is to ask, what are you fearing? Oh well, like what's so good? What's the fear right here?

And that speaks to your question, which I didn't answer about roles. It helps to start with the assumption that every part of you is playing a role to protect you. There is not one part of you that is trying to make life miserable. Yes, we do behaviors that make our lives difficult, but every single part has a protective or defensive or self preserving function. And that's a really, really good piece of news because you don't have to fight parts that are trying to protect you. But we do need to retrain them so they have accurate information. A critical part that's like, don't do the thing, you're going to fail, they're going to hate. You may not know that you're not four years old with no resources. They may not know that the launching of your business might not be fatal if it doesn't work. And so we want parts to have updated information. Because if you ask any part what's its fear, likely it's going to be, you know, rejection, abandonment or death or some flavor of that.

And that's the underneath piece which then I, I like to go to that next place of so what do I need? What does this part of me need right here so that they're not having this protest or they don't have so much power or they're not trying to take over what's happen happening.

And sometimes parts just need to be heard. It's not true all of the time, but I had a kids practice when I started my career and with the teenagers there was no let's do an intervention or let me teach you a tool. It was a lot of I'm just gonna hold space and listen. Because teenagers have people yelling at them to do stuff all day. Sometimes the very act of acknowledging a part's thought is enough to deactivate its charge. When that doesn't work Then you go to the tools and the skills and boundaries and all of the things that we do. But sometimes self validation is actually enough. All right, I hear you. Thank you. Critical thought. I've got it from here.

That's. My brain is doing the crossing of models into the acceptance and commitment model, where it's like. It's the diffusion, it's the separation of those thoughts, and then how it's like, okay, so then what's next after that? If I'm not holding so tightly to this, if this is just a passenger on the train with me, but it's not taking over the ride, then what can I do next? And it's. Yeah, I think that is such a. An important piece when it comes to parts. I'm thinking of the inner critic and how this person might say, well, okay, but how do we just get rid of this? This isn't. You know, don't like this part. Don't want to hang out with it. Now what?

It's so tricky. And I remember thinking that. So I have a lot of compassion on the desire to just get rid of these very uncomfortable parts. So I would say that's not an option. So, you know, in trying to figure out what to do about anything, we have to start with, what are our options here? We may not like them, but getting rid of your inner critic is not actually an option, unless you're high on psychedelics. But that's a temporary state, and that wears off. So on your menu of options with your inner critic, get rid of it is not one of them. Same thing with anxiety. Create a new relationship with it. Learn to speak its language. Learn to have a position of leadership where you understand what it's doing, but you can make decisions separate from it. That's sort of the only things on the menu. And you don't have to like that. But that is just how brains, brain.

Okay, tell me a bit more about that. Learn to speak its language. What does that mean?

So the inner critic, in whatever form or format, it's yelling at you. Let's just assume everything it's saying. If you put the filter of protection on, it is really saying, I'm afraid. I don't want to die. Don't leave me. Right, so what would you say to someone that comes at you saying, I'm afraid, I don't want to die. Don't leave me. First thing you could do is say, okay, on a scale of 1 to 10, how true is it that this is going to be lethal? And I love scaling questions, trying to Figure out on a 1 to 10, with 10 being fully true, 1 being fully false, most things are going to fall in the middle. And when we get into the black and white, thinking of the inner critic is either right or it's wrong. We're gonna get stuck because there's always a little bit of truth in a critical voice. On a 1 to 10, how true is it? That's how you start the relationship. And it's like any relationship with a person. If you want to get to know someone, you ask them questions. Oh, thank you, critic. I hear you. You're trying to keep me alive. Where did you learn that? We can't do this or else we're gonna die. Like, where'd you pick that up? You know? When was the last time you felt this way? How true is it right now? And let's figure out what our choices are together. So I'm a big fan of. We have to become allies with the critic and even use its voice as a coach. You know, the inner critic properly related to, is not going to say, you suck. It will say, all right, this is not who you are. This is not what you want. Let's get up. Let's get in the game. Let's do something different. And that's good. A good coach doesn't coddle, but they also don't beat the crap out of the person they're trying to coach.

It's. It's a powerful reframe of how you can. Then. I really like that Brit. In the sense of, how do you use their language? How do you. It's almost like, let's. Let's shore up together or sit beside each other. And. And it's. It's not the. You suck. Which, Gosh, how many times do we say this to ourselves? And that shows up for so many. So many of us include. Including me. But instead saying, okay, this is important, but what am I missing here? Can I acknowledge that this is hard and you're trying something that's different and you know it not going the way you wanted to or you needing more skills doesn't mean you suck, right?

But sometimes you suck is the only available language your critic has, which is why, how true is this? So if I was going to go, I don't know, helicopter skiing, I don't know how to ski, My inner critic tells me, you're gonna die on a one to ten. That's probably a nine and a half or a ten, because I don't know how to do that skill. So I could say, all right, this is actually a lot of it true. So then it's, well, what are my choices for up leveling my skills? And then I've turned you suck into. I actually do need a little bit of work on this area. And that goes down to less lethal things like writing a book. When I first started, it's, who do you think you are to write a book? You've never done that. You don't know what you're doing. On a 1 to 10, that was a 9. I've never. I'd never done it before. What are my choices? Okay, I can read about how to do it. I can hire a coach. I can go to workshops. I can level up my skills. And so translating the critic's voice into what's the nugget of truth? Truth. And how do I partner with the voice makes the critic less likely to scream at you the next time because it trusts that you're going to listen.

So knowing you've now just gone through this is actually your third book out. How was your partnership with your inner critic? I'm asking for a friend. The friend is me.

It was so much worse. It was like you already used that storytelling device and you've already done this and you can't do. Who do you think you are to try again? You've already written 95, 000 words. You are out of words, girl. There is nothing. You've got nothing left to give. You have been wrung out dry, and this is a big mistake. You should have, you know, stayed in the. You did it twice. Twice is enough. Like, what the actual hell do you think you're doing? Writing the inner critic chapter brought up all the pain.

I can only imagine. There was one chapter in my first book, and after putting it all on the page, so much shame came over me for first having this experience and then b sharing it. And then I think the last piece is, well, how do you even. How did you even do this? You don't have a right to tell these stories. You all of those things. But I often joke with my husband now on the heels of my second book coming out this fall, is that I'll say, I don't know how I wrote a book. I don't know how I did it. And because in the process, it's the, this isn't enough. I can't do this. This is nothing. No one wants to read it. And it's just such a wild experience to. To really just. I had one client that her expression always stuck with me around tolerance to feelings and it was the take. Take the ticket or buy the ticket. Take the ride. You've already bought the ticket. You've already bought it. So now you're, you got to get onto the ride. You're in line already. I have a fear of roller coasters. And that, that to me is the no, I am backing out. I don't want.

It's so true. But the expectation calms down at whatever point it like, oh, you've already written a book, it should be easy for you. If I had told myself that I would have gone into freeze, I would have shut down. Well, also because part of my critical voice was this is Dr. Richard Schwartz model that you have then like totally torn apart. And not only is no one going to read it, but he's going to sue you, you're going to get canceled and you're going to get a cease and desist letter. So my critic was very amplified, but knowing I could take the ride even with the protesting voice place. It's kind of like putting a kid in a car seat. Kid's gonna scream. And it's like, I know you don't want to be in the car seat and mom's job is safety. Car seat buckle on. The kid doesn't have to like it. But you're, you're going in the car seat, you're getting on the roller coaster, you're writing a book anyway. But you're doing it in partnership and out of love.

And you've just tapped on why we do the thing which is around our values and around what we find meaningful and important. And so there's this choice here where we let parts take over. And that's when we, I think coming back full circle around alignment, that when you are not living attuned to what matters to you, you're in misalignment. And so when parts take over and you believe it and you buy into the stories you tell yourself or those, I'm switching into act language. But you buy into those parts and they're, they're the truth. Right. They're all standing around you in the room and you're kind of just stuck on the couch like, I can't do anything. It's more the connection to the self, which you've already highlighted the piece that says, who am I and how do I, from a place of compassion and connection and curiosity, how do I then move into this life?

Oh, I love that. Which is why the idea that this is a self parenting exercise, that you're treating every part of you, even the ones you hate like they're one of your children with the same skill set. You know, validate the feeling set, the boundary honor. They're not wanting to do a thing. But know if you value safety, you're going to buck buckle your kid in the seat belt even if they don't want to, Even if they tell you I hate you, you stink. This is terrible.

You're.

I don't like it. It's like I know I get it and I value safety. So we're gonna put the buckle on. If you value being a person who suits up and shows up to the things that are important to you, it's gonna be feel the toddler's tantruming and take the step anyway. It's easier said than done, but it's so worth it.

I think a lot of people find that that easier in some way when it comes to car seat because it's safety related. So when I think of that. But it becomes harder then in when it's about decisions for ourself and that choosing of self in there becomes really difficult.

Oh, it's so hard when it's not clear that psychological safety is not just about people honoring who you are, but psychological safety is. Am I doing the things I say I'm about to? Am I not doing the things that I say I'm not about? And what's more psychologically safe than honoring your own boundaries or choosing? And it's not about being selfish or self focused. But it feels really uncomfortable when you can't see. It's sort of like the idea that, you know, zebras in the wild running away from lions are having a flight response. They're not struggling with focus, they just can't move. But when it comes to the complexity of our minds, it's a lot harder to see the lion science. And so we feel lazy. We feel like we can't settle. We feel like there's something wrong with us. But yeah, it is just as urgent for us to listen and attend to our own parts as it is to our children. But it's harder to see it because it's so much more nuanced and murky and complex.

Something that I love about parts work is around this piece of you are not your parts. Can we just sit in that for a minute and can you share a little bit more about what that means?

Yeah. And I'm curious to know how you hold space for it because this is where we sort of leave the land of the clinical and the evidence based and we get into the what is Consciousness. And who's the eye when we say I? And what is source? And it's. No one knows what consciousness is. There's not a scientist, a philosopher. There's nobody that has locked it down. So I'm not going to try. But I've seen, and I'm sure you have too, that there does seem to be some sort of of center in every human soul, self, like whatever you want to call it all Christ, consciousness, higher self, I don't care what you call it. There seems to be this place inside every human that is sort of above and beyond the parts that make us human and something that connects us to something greater. I don't know what it is, but I can sense it. I can sense it when I see it and I can sense it when I'm in it. And I love the parts where is a way of bringing that sense out. I don't know how do you make sense of it?

Yeah, that connectedness to the inner self, it's like coming into ourselves. I often think about how I can float around a day and there's all these thoughts floating in my mind. They stir up images and memories, the to do list, the anxieties of the future of what I'm supposed to do. And then I can come onto a yoga mat and just be in my body. And that is the connectivity to me. And it's the listening moment to moment. It's the, huh, what's that? That just showed up? That's really interesting. Do I want to hang out with that or not? And then noticing, oh, I'm forcing myself to try to move my body like that person over there. Huh? You're comparing yourself come back into you. And one of the ways actually that helped me through my early days of the PhD was to do yoga two times a week. I was walking to and from a yoga center. It was at a time where I was 23 years old. I was filled with fear and fear of rejection, fear of failure. And it was tied to, oh my gosh, what would other people think of me if I say I can't do this Ph.D. like, this is just too hard. I don't know what I'm doing. I'll never get this done. I'm a fraud, I can't be here. And then when I came to yoga, being on the mat and like those four corners was always this, who am I? And that is, I think, what I come back to. And I'm just talking on the fly. Brit. But it's the, the, the breath, the in and out that's who I am. So the hard parenting moment where my, my baby is like not stopping crying and it's, we're going on an hour and I don't know what's wrong and I'm thinking I'm the worst mom ever. This is never going to end and what's going to be like in 10 years and my life is over and I come into breath in and out and it's constantly changing and that, that to me is connection to self.

I love that this the you that's not your parts, the you that notices the parts parts, the you that tends to the parts the you that is not the parts. When we connect with that, everything works. Life doesn't get easier. But the experience I have of being a human in a life gets a whole lot better.

If people are listening and wondering, okay, but where do I even start? They're going to check out your book. That's a starting place. There's so many great exercises in here. And I also, I love how your books have a lot of characters charts that help us move through things. But I'm curious for listeners today, where would somebody start in terms of this parts work and feeling more aligned? Ugh.

Well, if it's not the book, this is actually a hot take and I don't know if you agree, but I'll put it out there. And I'm actually super impressed with chat GPT's ability to replicate parts work as a practice partner. Nothing replaces human connection. I'm not worried that's going to take over and no one will ever want to speak to another human again. But if you're really struggling and you want to start, tell ChatGPT I want to start with parts work, but I don't know where to start. Can you give me a simple prompt that I can do in. And it's not bad. You know, if you say using the internal family systems model or the parts work idea in therapy, it really can generate some really fun, easy, low lift, free, no human energy required to connect. It's, it's a good starting. It's not a good ending place, but it's a great starting place.

It's the place of curiosity. It's not the, the forever solution in that, but it is, it's in some ways. You're typing it into Google and the, the most recent blog post is coming up on parts work. You're like, oh yes, this. What, what's the exercise I can do? And I, I love that idea because it's accessible. So thank you. Thank you for putting that one out there.

With the caveat that we don't know enough about AI to make a judgment call. But I do know right now, today, if you're listening and you can't go to therapy and you've got to many things on your plate to read a book, like ChatGPT is a pretty good starting place.

Yeah, it's the, it's the. Let's make this more bite size. How do we then I heard someone say recently, snacks. Like you're trying to find snacks rather than trying to have the like, you know, tasting menu out all night on a Friday night when you just don't have time for that. How do we have a snack? How do we find the one thing? And it's, it's, it's interesting because I know a lot of people will say, oh, I bought the book, but then I didn't read it and well, then it doesn't help. So how do we find something that's going to be helpful? Okay, Brit, tell us more about your book coming out where people can find us.

And well, I hope your people know where to find you because you're awesome.

Yeah, that, that's fine. To find you.

Well, I did write the book so that if you only need a snack at the end, our bullet points and like five minute exercises, if you want the deep dive that's in there for you too. So you can buy the book. Align your mind anywhere you buy books and you can find me on Instagram at Brit Frank and. Or my website, Brit frank.com awesome.

I'm so grateful for our conversation today. And I'm just thinking for listeners bringing in your attention to what parts might be showing up as you were listening today, maybe as you're transitioning to the next thing after you close out this podcast episode, just starting to bring awareness to. Huh, what part is that that is showing up for me right now? Britt, thank you so much for this conversation. I'm grateful to have you here at the podcast.

Thank you so much.

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