https://www.listennotes.com/e/58f51a52f7a44d9cb4fa8707ef85fd2c

This is the way it feels to move through summer in Lululemon iconic aligned softness without the front seam for our smoothest look and feel ever, summer won't know what hit it. Stretch your limits in the non stop flexibility of the new Lululemon Align no line pant in select stores and@lululemon.com.

Savor.

Every last drop of summer with Starbucks.

From bold refreshers to rich cold brews, the sunniest season only gets better with a handcrafted ice beverage in your hand.

Available for a limited time.

Your summer favorites are ready at Starbucks.

Hey, it's Paris. You know I love sparkly things, right? Like stars.

Duh.

And thanks to Hilton and auto camp, I just slept under them. Picture me serving looks by the fire outside my luxurious Airstream, making s' mores with the kids while a national park is our backdrop. The great outdoors meets Hilton hospitality. That's hot. Explore all the new ways to stay@hilton.com Hilton for the stay welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy, clinical psychologist, relationship expert interview and your go to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries in laws and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel Good. Hey, it's Dr. Tracy. Thanks for clicking Play and joining us here today. I am sitting with my husband Greg and today we are talking all about resentment.

Yeah, it's something that's been coming up quite a bit in our community light in your community and I think just in life I think it's something normal, but we often don't talk about it enough.

Yeah, that is kind of one of the things we like to do here is talk about some of those hard conversations that I know so many couples are having but are often not bringing them forward or feeling a lot of shame around it. And resentment is actually one of those things that a lot of people feel but just have a lot of mixed feelings about the feeling.

Yeah, it's kind of this through line that I think when we're kind of like looking at feedback you get or even from feedback in the membership community like it's, it's, it's it's not often, like, explicit, but it just feels like it's just this, like, undercurrent that's just always there and almost in whatever specific topic you're talking about. It's like there's this. Just this simmering of it or just, like, sprinkled into comments. And maybe I'm reading too much into it from a guy's perspective, but I don't know. What do you think?

I think it can easily be what covers up a lot of stuff, whether it's feelings of aloneness, whether it's envy or sadness or anxiety. I think resentment tends to be this feeling that stirs up, and we just don't know what to do with it because it feels like a red flag.

All right, well, tell me more about that. So in my mind, I'm thinking, like, as you're saying that, like, aren't those things contributing to resentment, or is resentment covering up something, as you say?

Yeah, great question. Resentment is like the top of an iceberg. So it's the tip of the iceberg. We only see this small little piece around what's going on, when actually, when you go beneath the surface, all of these emotions are showing up underneath. There's a bigger experience that if we're curious to this feeling feeling, we can then start to understand what's happening. What am I feeling? What's this signaling to me, and what do I need? I think that's really the piece that people miss is it's like, oh, I had this feeling, and now I'm going to get rid of it. But one of the reasons why we want to talk about this today was because of this viral reel we had. And I think it really demonstrated what resentment is and also just how misunderstood it is.

Yeah, I think the latter part, yeah, a big thing.

And maybe instead of describing the real, why don't you describe the actual situation that happened?

Well, it was kind of a remake of something that happened to us that's happened many times between us that didn't seem like a big deal. And I think that's part of why we're talking about it. It's me just literally setting my coffee cup on the counter. Maybe it was in a way that was just kind of quick and, like, not really thoughtful. Not that it needs to be thoughtful, but I don't know. And just your reaction to it was, like, in that moment, like, I knew.

Well, you need to feel it. You didn't even have to have words come from my mouth.

I think the idea was it was symbolic of some other stuff that was going on. And so when we kind of like recreated this for the. For the reel, it triggered a lot of dialogue. Some good, some. Some interesting feedback.

Yeah, it's interesting because it's not about the mug. And so many people commented on this reel saying, it's just a mug. He's going to come back and have more. He's maybe not done with it. He uses the. The mug all week long. The same mug. And the real. For those who didn't see it, it's me cleaning the kitchen in quite some depth. And then the kitchen's clean, I walk away. And it's not just that I, you know, put the dishes away. I was cleaning the front of the cabinets and things like that. Then I walk away and then in. Walk you. Walks you. And then you just put the mug there, walk away. And then you zoom in. And one person's was. I knew what was going to happen even before he walked into the scene. And I just thought that was amazing. The mug is such a human experience. Whether it's the coffee mug, the plate, the towel that's left on the floor.

It'S just something so mundane. It's. It's. I think it's the symbolism of it in that situation.

It's not about the mug. It's about the repeated micro moments where one person doesn't feel safe, seem and considered. And it's just this buildup.

Yeah. And I think there's always context and nuance to everyone's specific situation. But I think on some level, everyone can kind of relate to, like, maybe not being in the best space. And it's this idea of, like, just this small thing that just happens over and over again. Maybe not in the exact same way. That kind of, like, really lends itself to this feeling of resentment that we're going to talk about.

Yeah. So maybe even pausing to talk about what is resentment. And it's often this experience of things that have not been spoken of, a buildup of micro moments. There's all of these feelings and needs that are not talked about. And the way I understand resentment as showing up is that you have unmet needs, whether you have not been expressing them. Because to be able to express a need and a feeling is quite a hard thing to do. It's a skill, or because you have expressed it, but your partner continues to not meet it or not even be able to. And the example of the coffee mug is, I am sharing with you that I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm doing all These things. And I'm not seen, because then, I mean, and it's not about having a perfectly clean kitchen. I think that's what so many people were missing about. The real is that this wasn't to have this obsessively clean space. Space. A perfect space. These aren't high expectations. And as. As the more critical partner in our dynamic, I've had to address my desires in the kitchen. I remember our early days. I just loved having everything off the counter, and you throw in one child and another child and two busy work schedules, and this just wasn't possible. So I had to check my expectations, which is part of the resentment dynamic. But that other piece around it was really about, am I seen in this?

I know. And then I think the other piece you're talking to me about too is like, are you seen? And then, like, how does the. The mental load, the emotional labor contribute to it?

This is a common thing that I hear from people, is around just how hard it is to get their partner to understand the mental load and what it means to have a thousand things on your to do list. And yes, maybe you got to go to yoga, and maybe you got that extra time to do the puzzle with the kids on the floor, but is really about how much weight I'm carrying every single day. And for the person who says, you know, I'm thinking of this woman I worked with recently, and she was saying how it's like when I say to my husband that I'm overwhelmed and exhausted, he'll retort with, well, you went to yoga today. What's the issue? And the experience, though, is, yeah, she's at yoga, and in yoga class, she has a thousand things.

Yeah.

On her mental to do list.

I think that's why it's the unseen piece that's so key.

Right. Yes.

The yoga is seen. Okay, cool. You went to yoga. You should be good. It's the mental checklist that just continues.

And yeah, I always hear the other side of this conversation because I. I never want to discount one person's experience in this. And then a lot of men in my community will say, well, I have a mental load too.

That's true.

I'm thinking about, when am I changing the tires? When do I cut the grass? If I'm thinking those typical comments that I receive or, you know, even I know some men will say, like, I'm worrying about financials a lot. And I don't think my partner gets that. I don't think she sees that. If I'm thinking of the heterosexual relationship. So it is really. And let's even step back one more because in our relationship it wasn't just me experiencing resentment at times. You too also felt that way.

Yeah. I'm really glad you said that. The mental load gets, for fairly good reasons, over dimensioned that it's the female. And often it is like, I don't want to discount that, but I'm glad you mentioned it because I think there is a flip side to that coin and not every male female relationship has the same dynamic. To your point, it could be totally the opposite. And I know, I feel that sometimes as someone who has taken on more of some of the domestic roles in the last few years, you know, there's an element of that too. Or to your point, finance is huge. Right. There's a lot of stuff that, that happens that way. So it does go both ways. And resentment can show up for both partners, whatever the sex is. Yeah, I think that's.

Yeah. It's almost this experience where I want to validate one person's experience, but in doing so, I don't want to invalidate someone else's. And that's also not to say that if I'm validating one person's experience and this is, this is the core of our relationships, if I validate you, it doesn't mean I'm wrong and that my experience doesn't matter. I think this is where a lot of people who comment on my, my posts in that defensive position of is she changing the car tires? When's the last time she mowed the lawn, by the way? I learned to move the lawn. Right. Like it's, it's from this place of yes, this experience is real and it doesn't discount your experience.

Yeah, I, I think that's like a level that a lot of people can't get to, particularly when their brains are like short circuited watching some like viral clip on their phone when they're just in this, this headspace. But it's, it's a good point. I mean it's the self. Other piece that you've talked about and I think that's a harder place to get for some folks.

You and I talked about this on the podcast before. The negative sentiment override.

Yes.

And how in some ways resentment builds all of these small negative moments.

Right.

That then that dictates how you feel with your partner.

Yeah. It creates a narrative. And then these small things feed the narrative. They feed the beast. And then what happens is, I know the Gottmans have talked a lot about this is like anything, therefore, that happens after it is kind of filtered through this negative lens. And listen, I've been guilty of that for sure and will again in the future. I think it's, I think it's normal. I think when you kind of like can take a step back and go, oh, that is a thing. I think I mentioned you. We've talked about narratives recently. This is something that really landed with me and I think it's tied to this. Like, we kind of like, we pigeonhole our partner. We kind of like have them, we have them figured out. We think often in a negative sense.

You know, this past winter really did a number on my skin. There was this intense dry air. It was so long. There were the additional stressors of writing my second book. And just life left me noticing deeper wrinkles, dryness, and that crepey texture no one asks for. And the wild part, the longer my skincare routine got, the less it seemed to help. And that's when I found One Skin and things started to shift. Now, I'm not overly focused on aesthetics, but I do care about keeping my skin healthy as I age. Today's podcast sponsor is One Skin. And they're not your average skincare company. They're actually the world's first skin longevity company. And what makes them different is how they target aging at the cellular level. I love that. One Skin was founded by an all women team of scientists. And their breakthrough OS1 peptide is clinically proven to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improve hydration, and help with the thinning skin that comes with age. It's skin care that helps your skin feel and behave younger, not just look it. Since using their topical creams, I've noticed a difference, especially in how hydrated and strong my skin feels. And I'm not alone. There are over 40005 star reviews for their full line of face, body, sun and travel products. So if you're ready to invest in your skin's health and not just cover up the signs of aging, give One Skin a try. You can get 15% off your first order at Oneskin Co with the code. Tracy. That's Oneskin O N E S K I N co. And the code again is Tracy. And after you check out, they're gonna ask you where you heard about them. Please save from this podcast. It really helps support the show. One of my early ones used to be you don't help. And it would, especially when you were working on the weekends and I was with the kids. And by the way, if anyone can Hear it. We've got a sick kid at home with a cough and hope. Hope the background's not picking up. But it's. That was one of my negative narratives over and over again. And it would completely discount that you had prepared the. The dinner before you left for work.

Right.

That you took our little guide to the park while I was doing nap time with our second. I couldn't see any of that because all that I would get stuck in is, you don't help.

Well, yeah, but you were probably picking up these little signals along the way that were just feeding, like you're in this feedback loop that was just like.

Yeah.

Perpetuating that. That feeling. Yeah, I think that's normal, but I think when we can kind of like, take a step back and see what it is and. No, it really does contribute to resentment in a big way and perpetuates it.

I think. I think the other thing, too, and I've talked about it on the podcast with Matthew Frey as one of the guests, is the micro betrayals or the micro moments. And I know I've said to you before how these things can feel like death by a thousand paper cuts. And that's why it's so important that we don't just minimize that one experience, but instead we talk about, like, what it. What does this really mean for you? What are you. What's really happening for you? Like, just holding that, like, death by a thousand paper cut sense.

I mean, a. That's a powerful analogy. It landed with me for sure, because you said it to me, frankly.

Yeah. You're like, I'm not injuring you.

Yeah. I think it speaks to one of the antidotes to it, which is like, how do you show up with curiosity?

Yeah, I'm. I'm holding a lot of, you know, knowing when this episode is coming out and thinking about where people are sharing their experiences with me right now that moving into the summer season, this can start to feel really tricky in your relationship because this is a season of change coming up.

I look forward to hearing how this shows up, because I think for a lot of people, it's like, well, hang on, it's about to get easier with summer. Right. Holidays, better weather. It's got to be easier, right?

Sure. I mean, right now it feels easier in some ways, but what we experience also, what I know from many of my clients are sharing this right now, is that they are not only continuing the camp process that so many people started back in. I've heard from people saying November, but in January, to sign up for camps that now, now it's like, okay, wait, hang on. Where are they going this week? What do they have to do? And each week for many people is a new form to fill out before going, a new set of instructions of what you have to pack in the bag. And that is just like this whole mix up and loss of routine really does add an extra layer.

Yeah. It's like you have all new transitions each week.

Totally.

Instead of in September, one time for school.

Totally. And I remember last year as we were moving through the summer, I remember just how many people were saying to us that they felt like roommates, that they're like, I. Like, I'm going into the summer feeling like a roommate with my partner. Like we're just not connecting on that intimate piece and we're feeling distant, we're feeling resentful.

Do you think it's because of this, like, logistical stuff? Is there something else to it?

Yeah, I think there's both pieces in there. The, the logistics definitely pulls us away from deepening. Right. It's almost like it's like it's going like outwards rather than down.

Yeah.

It's an intimacy. Yeah. Intimacy is depth. It's the slowing down in moments. It's the how are we connecting and seeing each other? How do we spend time knowing what it's like to be the other person? And even as the season's changing, I can feel it with us already starting. How I had to say to the other day, hey, I need 10 bags of soil. Like, when are you gonna get the soil? And my mind has thought about soil so many times in the last few weeks of like, gotta get the soil. It's not just about the soil. It's now about getting the garden ready, planting the tomatoes that I know my daughter and I love to pick together. Right. Do you see all the things that it's like? And so I think that just alone takes away from any free space in my mind to then come and connect with you.

So what can folks do?

Yeah, I mean, like the first thing I think about is our roommate challenge that's starting. And this is set up. This is, this is something that we've just really come to love in our community. And it takes place every other month where everybody comes in together. We start together. It's 10 days. Each day there's three exercises that you can do. Those exercises are grounded in the foundationals of what it means to build a healthy relationship. And that's around. Well, the three, three things you get each day in the email it's one email a day. I designed it for even the busiest couple. And in the email, it's. You can either do a mindset shift, you can do a communication skill, or there's something that you can really take action. And it meets everybody at the different levels that they're at.

That's right.

Some people join because they say, you know, we're in a rut. It's been two years since we've had sex. I don't even know where to start. And I take that. I take all the guesswork out of that. Here. This is where we're starting. Some people say we're preparing for this time together. I'd like to feel closer. Like, it's just really cool to see, to come in.

Yeah, it's. The feedback's amazing. I. I think what's cool about it, too, it's 10 days. There's lots of products out there, including. We have one too, that's like 30, which is a little bit softer. But this is like, it's a very specific time that I think you can see the change in. It's. It's not. It's. It's not too drawn out, like in and out. Like, that speaks to a lot of people. And I think the kind of support the community, kind of like support and accountability piece, because we're. We kind of do it in cohorts, so we're in essence, all doing it at the same time.

Yeah.

So then there's the community group. You're kind of in there, like, helping people through. I think that's what's really cool. And separates it. And then just the dialogue and the communication that comes back and forth so people aren't feeling like they're doing it alone.

Yeah. That's the one piece we know that we change better when we're connected and in community. And also there's something magical about 10 days. We can all commit to 10 days. It's not going to fall off. You've got the email coming in. If something happens, you park it, you come back to it. But we see most people go through it, and that's pretty cool. And then I also know a lot of people sent me an email later and say, we went through it again.

Yeah, we had to go back to it.

And that's pretty cool.

So that starts the 28th of May.

Yes, the 20th of May. I'll put the link in the show notes. You know those days when you're running from client sessions to dinner or from emails to errands to bedtime. Routines and your feet just need a break. That was me last week. I had back to back sessions and then Greg texted, dinner tonight. So we all went out. But I was thinking thankful that I had my Vionic uptown loafers in my bag. They actually fit in there because they collapsed down. So I swapped out my work shoes, slipped them on, and I instantly felt both comfortable and put together. It was exactly the shift I needed to feel ready for our dinner night out. Now, here's what I love about every single pair is powered by their Veo motion technology, which is what truly sets them apart. They started by revolutionizing medical orthotics, and now they've brought that same biomechanical support into stylish everyday shoes that actually align and support your body feet first. So I have two pairs. I have the uptown loafers and I also have the walk Max, and I really enjoy both of them and they become my go to whether I'm in the office, I'm doing school drop off, or I'm just out with Greg. They're the kind of shoes you don't want to take off at the end of the day. And honestly, that says a lot. I also love that because life can be busy or you decide on a whim or something's just not fitting. They have a 30 day guarantee, so you can wear them, love them, or return them for a full refund if they're not for you. No risk, just happy feet. And as a podcast sponsor for today's episode, Bionic is offering 15% off your first order. Just head to vionics shoes.com and use my code, Tracy at checkout. That's a one time code. So log in, enter the code, add all the shoes that you're looking for. That's bionicshoes.com code Tracy. Your feet and your whole body will thank you. Well, let's talk about some of the things we've been putting into our relationship because I think that is like we're, we're human too. And we are, you know, navigating the summer schedules and even having our little one home today just throws me for a loop in terms of like, okay, how do we get all these things done?

Yeah, I think that's important because you talk a lot about it. I'm privileged enough to like hang out with you on some of these podcasts and like, authentically, we're kind of doing the same stuff that we talk about.

Yeah.

Like it's not just this top down, like, you should do this.

Yeah.

It's like we're often many times literally doing the same thing.

Yeah. So something you and I have been doing is our more daily check in. So in the morning, we wake up before the kids and we have coffee. And sometimes you're already in work mode. Sometimes I'm in a book mode. And I don't like books.

Yeah. Reading's healthy.

Reading is helpful, however. Yeah. That. I think that is just this finding some way in, whatever your day looks like, that you can just pause for a moment. It doesn't have to be. I think the thing too, that we do is in our relationships is we make it to be such this big gesture, this big idea. It's something so small. If you have a lunch break, put a reminder on your phone to go off. Every day at 1205, that reminder goes off, and that's when you send a text. Text to your partner, say, hey, I was thinking about you. How's your day? Right. You build in a system.

Yeah.

You build in a way to check in with them and to open up the door of communication. And then whatever they share with you, that's kind of that moment of connection that you can have. So that's something that you and I, we're trying to be really good about in terms of doing it in the morning. I think the other thing that doesn't require you and I to have a schedule or to make sure that we're doing it is just our sense of humor.

Yeah. I mean, in this sense, everyone's different, but we try to, you know, be light with each other and joke about things, even if they're like legitimate gripes. It's like, it's kind of like how we approach it. We're choosing to be a little bit lighter.

Yeah.

Now, I think for some people, listening that might be a little bit harder to do if you're in a more difficult season. So do you have any advice for those people?

Yeah. When I think about how resentment simmers for people, it really is the, ooh, is joking gonna feel good?

Yeah. Like, is it gonna land?

You know, like, I mean, it may or may not, but if resentment is one feelings that's really simmering right now for you, I would say find more of the physical tasks that you can do side by side. I think that's a really great way to connect with someone when we forget doing that. Find a shared project. Is it about completing the house thing that has been outstanding for a while. Is it doing the gardens together? Is it about going for a walk with the dog? It's just something to be Beside each other. And then the use of humor. Here's the thing, it can't attack your partner's most inner fears and wounds.

Right.

You know, like if you come to me in like that like, funny kind of way and be like, oh, haha, like, are you being sensitive today? Like sensitive is like a wound.

Right.

And that doesn't feel good. Right. Like there are other ways that we can rib each other. Yeah.

There's an element of caution. I.

And in some ways too, as I say that something that I think lands a bit easier is almost the self deprecating humor.

Of course.

Right. Like when, when I can say, like, oh, am I making that face at you again? Like, it's about me, not about you.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Yeah. Something we've also been good at doing recently is calling each other out and checking in on each other. But the key to that is not taking it personally.

Yes. And that's a skill. That's. That's hard.

Yeah. But I also think it speaks to this layer of resentment though, because sometimes it's the what's going on for you? I want to know what's going on for you. But if I feel this sense of distance, then I'm gonna go into my stories.

Yeah. Your negative sentiment override.

Right, right, right. Your narrative into my narrative. I'm gonna listen to that. Versus I also want to back up a little bit. I just want to come back to resentment as being almost like this window and it's to look through it to see what's happening. If we are willing to do that.

For your partner or for yourself?

Both.

Okay.

So here's, here's the other thing is that sometimes people have a big emotional reaction to hearing their partner say, I resent you because da da, da, da, da, da. Yep.

Sure.

Ouch. Like, that hurts. Right?

It's a big word. Yeah.

So here's, here's kind of like a flaw with that is it's putting the feeling on the other person. So that's, that's first, like that's the way we're communicating. That and a healthier, more assertive. All the communication tools wrapped into it would sound more like I feel resentment because. And attaching it to what's happening, attaching it maybe to behaviors, but attaching it to also what's happening inside of you. I'm feeling resentful because we're having all these moments in our relationship where I'm feeling unseen. And the story that I'm telling myself is you don't think of Me. You don't see me.

So is the key there to tie it back to your feelings?

Yeah.

And what's happening for you? It's kind of that external.

I resent you because of what you did.

It's like the bad apology all over again.

All over. Right. We're. Yes. And I get that because that's what we do with our feelings. We put them out to the other person because they're the ones who have triggered it. They've triggered something inside of you. They're just a mirror. You're holding up a mirror of something that's inside of me. I have to be willing to look at that. And so sometimes then the partner who hears that, red flags go off. Oh, no, what's happening in our relationship, I'm a bad person, I did something wrong. All these things. When actually it's like, oh, no, hang on, let's not personalize it. Because when we personalize something, we immediately lose connection to the other person.

I can imagine that's really hard in the moment, though.

Oh, of course. That takes a lot of self regulation.

Yeah.

Which is always the. Hey, just take a pause. Your partner has just shared something with you. You want them to share things with you.

Okay.

How you respond in that moment is going to then choose the next moment. It'll facilitate the next moment. So if, if you.

Yeah. Flush that out.

How you respond in that moment will either facilitate or hinder the next moment.

So if I'm the male partner on kind of getting this feedback, my instinct is to be like, oh, like this? No, like my ego.

Yeah. If you get defensive, you want to protect yourself.

Yeah, but how I respond impacts the next moment.

Yes. If you respond defensively and say, well, I didn't mean to. It wasn't about all the, like dismissing. Deflecting.

Hard as hell in the moment. To think that, to like have that forward thinking though.

Right. And so self awareness and self reflection is a muscle. These are things that we have to practice and flex and we can do it with ourselves. We can do it with ourselves in the way of, oh, I'm having this emotion. Oh, I'm feeling resentful. Okay, slow down. What's happening right here? What's the story that I'm telling myself? What's the trigger for me in this moment? What's underneath this for me? What do I need? And sometimes it ends right there to start.

Right.

Because it's the internal work rather than what we do. And I, and I know I did this early on. I did this with you in our early days, you know, we met.

I was, tell me more.

We met and I was this young 22 year old, right. My brain wasn't done developing when we met. Yours was. What was your excuse? I'm just kidding. So we, we all have a muscle to flex and to practice and we can all get there, but we have to find the ways to do that.

I would think the people on the more anxious end would struggle more with that. Is that fair?

Yeah. How so? What makes you think that?

I don't know, like, they're probably more apt to be like, flooded. So if you're getting that feedback about how your partner is feeling, like, wow, for me to like slow down, you know, create space, think of, you know, try and give that space so the next moments are right, not necessarily positive, but allow us to move forward. That's hard.

This isn't about your lovability. This isn't about breaking the relationship. This is about a process that can help deepen your connection. And that, that is the work of when we do feel more anxious to sit in. This idea of all of this is information. Now how can I be curious with my partner to understand them? And I've, in many podcasts and teachings, I've talked about the bridge. And if you could even use that analogy, it's like, okay, oh, I'm so anxious. But my job is to cross the bridge to my partner's experience. Okay, I can carry. It's a. Both end. I'm going to carry my anxious feelings. My anxious feelings make sense because of my history, because of the things I've experienced, because of how tough of a place we're in right now. I'm going to walk across the bridge and go across the bridge and be in their experience. Their experience is real and I feel anxious. I can understand their experience and I can still have a hard time with it. With it makes sense both ends.

So then what about the partner who's avoidant? Who's getting that feedback? Like, yeah, thanks for telling me.

Yeah.

Next.

Right, so this is the question around. Well, what. So, so the person who's avoidant does that not because they don't want to know you, but because it is inherently uncomfortable in that moment like that. That's of part, that's part of their coping mechanism. It's not their personality, it's not a flaw, it's just how they've learned to cope with it.

Of course.

So what does the, the avoidant person then? The person who leans into avoidance needs to stay with them. It's the Same thing. You're going to carry the. This is a really hard experience. I would rather just curl up into a ball and say, it's fine, everything. We don't need to address this. We're good. You have to walk across the bridge.

Yeah. And that's the choice, I think, I would imagine. I don't put words in people's mouth, but a lot of those people, and I know this from personal experience, is like, at some point, we need to see these interactions really as the opportunity for connection versus the feeling like you're on the receiving end of blame or resentment.

Yeah.

And that's hard. That's.

And to also view it as us having a different experience doesn't mean we need to blame each other. It's okay to have different experiences of something.

In a way, it's good. It's like, do you want to just be a mirror of your partner? Not necessarily.

There's one other thing that I've been doing to tackle my own feelings of resentment, and it is about acknowledging when I'm doing too much and taking that personal responsibility for it. So the other night, I said it out loud to you. I said, oh, I need to go sit down. And feeling resentful. I sprained my ankle two or a week and a half ago. It's not fully healed. I had already walked, and then I started cleaning the chairs. And you're like, I got this. And I was like, I know. I'll just keep going. And so I'm scrubbing the chair. And I can feel it inside of me. The stories. For me, it's.

The walls. Could feel it, like, vibrating.

Sure. But. But that was my personal responsibility to say, this doesn't have to be done in this way. I can let this go right now and then move into doing what I need. Like, I had to fill my cup up.

Yeah. How does finding time for. Kind of oneself play into this? Like, I would imagine, like, you need to foster your own identity as. As a. As a way to kind of hedge against some of this resentment. I think. I would imagine that's part of it.

I can remember in those early postpartum days, I would wait for you to give me time to. To step away, to look after myself. And I think one of the hardest things that everybody has to come to is that no one's going to give you that time, and you have to make that time for yourself. And you then started to call me the shower ninja, because I. You'd be like, oh, have I got a shower? And I would say, I Already did. And you started to call me that because you're like, I didn't even know. You slipped away. So I would start finding these moments to look after myself. So I think carving that time out for ourselves is a personal responsibility. Like, we have to do it, and at the same time, then we have to communicate that to our partners.

Yeah, it's both. Right?

It's both. Of course. All right. If you are feeling resentment in your relationship, I think it's so important for you to be able to name it that this is not a negative red flag thing in your relationship, but instead it's a window. It's an opportunity for you to look at and to be curious about and to ask yourself what need is not being met? What's this feeling underneath here? And what is it that I need moving forward?

Yeah, I think the window analogy is really, really neat. That's a good way to look at it. Because. Because I would almost think it's like I'm trying to block something. But if you. But you saying that, you're, like, flipping it on its head like it's a. It's a. It's a way that it's a possibility and understand the possibility.

Right. And with that, then if I'm willing to look through the window, I'm also not dismissing the mug. I'm not dismissing that small thing that seems so insignificant to you, but you then looking through the window and saying, tell me more about what's happening here. What am I missing? What do I not fully understand? How can we then move forward through that?

That's right.

All right, I want to hear from people. Are you feeling resentful right now? How are you feeling in this transition season? I'd love for you to pop into my DMs on Instagram. I see all my messages. We're in there. I'm in there. Send me a message. Let me know, did something stand out from today in terms of resentment and what you're going to do moving forward? Can you relate to the mug experience of I can't believe he just left that there?

I know, and I think. What's. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think if you can work through some of these things and look through that window and get curious, and hopefully it elicits some conversations with their partner. Next time they put the mug down, it might just be the mug on the counter.

Yeah, it might be. Or maybe you don't put the mug on the counter.

Mug's gotta go somewhere.

All right. If you're looking for more support, jump into the show notes. I've got links in there for you. Join our Our Roommate Challenge. It starts on May 28th. I would love to have you there. You can also send me a question that's on my website. Go to drtracyd.com forward slash podcast. I love getting your questions here. It's one of the things that totally fills us up in terms of the conversations that we're having. And don't forget to subscribe and review the podcast that helps people find the podcast, which I don't know if you know, but that's actually what bumps it forward for people to find it, which I thought was pretty cool when I discovered that.

Yeah, it makes sense.

Yeah, it does. All right, I'll see you next time. Thanks for joining us. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this information is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider. See you next time.