“I’m Sorry, But…” Is Not an Apology

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How do I respond to my partner when they say, "I'm sorry, but..."? This is one of the worst ways to apologize. And if you have a partner who says, "I'm sorry, but..." I want you to forward this to them because I'm going to speak to them first, and then I'm going to offer you a few ideas of what you can say next to them. If you're the one who says, "I'm sorry, but..." I want you to hear this from me. This is you turning your apology all about you, and it tells me that you're being defensive. And oftentimes defensiveness makes sense because you're trying to protect yourself. When it comes to our relationships, I think it's so important to recognize that protection is a way where we create disconnection. How do we protect ourselves? We protect ourselves by blaming the other person. We protect ourselves by going inwards into a shame spiral. I talk about shame in another episode in a podcast. We also protect ourselves by just projecting projecting it all out onto them. And all of those strategies end up breaking connection and closeness with the person who means the most to you. So if you are the one who says, "I'm sorry, but," let's first acknowledge that there's something deeper going on for you. And you can ask yourself these questions: What did I learn about saying sorry as a child? Was I forced to apologize? Do I believe that when I make a mistake, it means I'm a bad person or I'm a bad partner? Because oftentimes, That's connected to shame and that's deeper rooted stuff. And I want to just dispel that core belief that shows up right there and to say, making mistakes in relationships is how we learn. And you can translate that shame that sends you spiraling into a deep hole into healthy shame, which says, how can I then do differently next time? And that's also where you learn how to repair in a way that brings you closer. If you haven't yet, click back to one episode before this one and listen all about the repair. And I've also got an episode right before that about what ruptures look like, because once you know what they are, you'll also understand more about the repair. Stepping outside of the "I'm sorry, but," if you struggle with feeling dysregulated or feeling defensive, find something that allows you to sink into hearing the other person. It doesn't mean you have to fully understand what happened in that moment, but it is a response to let your partner know that I'm hearing you and I want to understand you. It might sound something like this: I can understand why that hurt and I want to understand more. Or you might try, I'm feeling dysregulated and I also wanna see the impact that my behavior just had on you. Can we come back to this moment later? And if you're asking for space and time, that's 2 hours max, maybe at the end of the day, but we're not talking about a week to take time before coming back to a conversation. You come back to it sooner. I think a lot of us get stuck in how do I then respond to my partner when they say, I'm sorry, but, because it leaves us feeling like we have an open wound that the apology has not really landed. And then one of the hardest things I hear in my therapy room is that the other person who said, "I'm sorry, but," comes back and says, "I apologized. What else do they want?" Those apologies don't land. And then that keeps you stuck in a spiral. It's important for you to assert yourself in those moments, for you to say to your partner, "Hey, that doesn't feel good." So I've got a few examples here that you can use moving forward. So first one, I want to hear your perspective, but when the apology comes with a but, it's really hard for me to feel like you are taking accountability for what actually happened. Another one, I'm open to hearing your side. I think what I need first is for you to understand where I'm coming from. Notice here that I am emphasizing for them to understand what's happening for you. And in case you need to hear it, you're not too sensitive for asking somebody to slow down and to hear the impact. We are often told that we're too sensitive or too much or too needy, and none of that is true. You're probably now wondering, well, hey, Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, how do you know? I've been told this my whole life. Your needs are going to be different than everybody else's. That's how I know. Here's one last one that you can try the next time someone says, I'm sorry, but. I think you're trying to come to me with an apology. When you say, I'm sorry, but, it actually shifts the focus back to you and your intention. And I think what's more helpful is focusing on the impact. Could we talk about that a bit more? In all relationships, we have data points. And when you respond to people in this way, you then get to hear more about who they are. They're going to show you who they are, and it's an opportunity for you to then understand what needs to happen next. And if you are struggling with the repair, please reach out for support. I know that this can be a really sticky piece for couples and relationships, but also for adult children and their parents. And also in friendships. Let me know in the comments, have you heard the "I'm sorry, but..." and how did you end up feeling afterwards? And if you're looking to understand the repair more, be sure to check out my free quiz. It asks you 10 questions. It'll take not even 2 minutes and you'll get the results on the specific type of repair that is going to help you to feel good. It is such a good relationship builder. You'll be able to share it with your partner and have more understanding about the type of repair that works. All right, thanks for being here. Thank you for clicking play, and I will see you next time.