Parenting Through Discomfort: Speaking up for our kids

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Have you ever had one of those parenting moments where you ask yourself, do I say something? Do I step in what's the right amount of involvement? Recently I had one of those moments and it totally took me by surprise. There were so many layers that came out of this and I just knew I wanted to bring this conversation here, not as a here a step by step on what you should do next time, but rather to talk from a place of connection to myself and to ultimately making decisions that might not be the same choice for everybody else, but one that was the right one for me that time. If you're new to the podcast, here's what I do when I talk about parenting situations.

My kids privacy is important to me.

So I don't talk about whether it's.

He or she that has experienced this. Instead, I talk about my kiddo and I use they there. This allows me to just take a little bit of a step back from the actual story and their experiences. And that's, that's not the focus that I want to have in this story, but instead it's the, what are the.

Pieces that unravel for this?

So this was a social situation. It was a friendship that involved my kiddo and a few other people. And my mama radar just kind of went off. Something didn't feel right. And when I checked in with my kiddo, initially it was, yes, it's okay. And then things evolved and it no longer felt okay. And so one of the first things that I really had to reflect on was what is this feeling inside of me and what does it mean to.

Make the next step?

So I'll talk about the first piece which is really around modeling and understanding friendships for our kids. And I think in this sense, for us as parents, a lot of our own stuff can really show up in this.

You know, I can think of the.

Many clients, if not all of them, where I have sat in front of them and they have a story of a certain grade and they remember arriving to school and being excluded from their friends.

And those are hard experiences that we all, all have.

And we come into parenting with our own scripts around what it means to make friendships. This was a difficult one to walk into with my kid because the initial feeling was, it's fine, this is fine, mommy, it's okay. And I knew it wasn't okay. Most people would not feel that this is okay. So there were some things that were happening that just were like, I don't know, this doesn't feel like trust building activities. When you think about how a friend shows up, the things that they decide to share with you or the things that they do.

It wasn't about nurturing trust. And there was this fine balance of.

How is it that I share this piece with my child without telling them what to do? I think that's the other thing that is really tricky when we step into this parent dynamic, is that with the parent child, it's so easy to come.

Into something and to say, I have all this wisdom.

Here's what I know already, and here's what you should be doing.

But instead, wanting to teach our children.

Those core foundational pieces of what it means to build friends. So one of the things I first talked about with my kid was around what it means to build trust. And it asked something like, you know, when you think about the friends that.

You trust, are these the actions that they would take? Are these the things that they would do?

And there was this pausing moment, and I could tell there was this reflection and an internal struggle because they're living what we've been through already. We've come through it already at their side. And I often remember that when we tell our kids what to do, they have this normal human reaction, which is to say, first, I know that already, and second, to say, if that's not what it is, they'll do the opposite. And I love the research on psychological reactance, which is when you tell a group of great aiders not to buy the thing or not to get the.

Book at the library, they all go and take it out. And it's that normal human reaction to being told what to do. You're going to do the opposite because you feel like you're backed into a corner.

So in entering this conversation with my child, I didn't want to enter into it in a way of this is what you should do, this is how you should feel.

But instead, talking about, what does trust look like? What does kindness in a relationship look like? What does safety and consistency?

And I think this is really important because for a lot of our kids.

They might not go to that place.

Or to even kind of see behavior in that lens. This is then them. This is then helping them to define.

The construct of friends. What does it mean to build friends?

And after we had walked through the event I had shared with my little one, I said, you know, hey, I remember that there are these times when I was a little girl and here are the things I did and that.

Didn'T feel good, when I just agreed.

To certain things with other people or, you know, whatever it was. I love telling those kinds of stories.

With my kids because I think sometimes they just see us as this parent.

Who tells them to go to bed or tells them that they can't eat the cookie at 8pm instead of also seeing that we too have struggled in some way. Every time I share that with my kids, that there has been some kind of struggle at some point in my.

Life, their eyes go wide and they just have this moment of oh, you're human too. And that's what I want them to see.

So when it came to defining friendships and building trust, it really felt like this bottom up experience so that this.

Kid could tune into what feels right.

And what doesn't feel right. Like what's going to work for me and what's not.

And that's about building this internal compass.

Of their own set of values. The second piece that really showed up in this experience was me needing to tune in to parent from a place.

Of my values and not from a place of fear.

Fear shows up in our life in so many different ways and we can also talk about our core fears, those core fears that are really deep inside of us.

Fears of abandonment, rejection, not belonging, not mattering, not being enough. Those are our core fears and they can slip into our everyday thoughts, beliefs, or the things that we say and encourage our kids to do if we're.

Not aware of them. For example, if you're at the park.

And your kid is playing with their.

Cars and a kid comes over and.

Asks to play and your child says no, there's this internal urge to say, oh hey buddy, let's share the cars with, with other people.

And this idea that for some people.

Depending on your values and philosophies, but.

The fear there would be, what will.

Other people think of my kid?

Or the fear could be my kid will never share with others.

And so we do these things that.

Teach our kids other things. In this case teaching our child self.

Abandonment, depending on how you view this philosophy.

But what was really important for me in this experience was that I wasn't coming up from a place of fear, but rather what was really important to me.

What were some of our values in our family?

And it was talking about this at.

The dinner table of being able to say when it comes to our family, these are the things that we do, these are the things that we believe in. And so we really talked about kindness and inclusion, standing up for others, having respect, having this mutuality back and forth. It's not one sided.

And it was tricky because at the same time of going through this, my little one was experiencing embarrassment.

And that is such a hard one.

That one just kind of pulls for.

You to hide and to not talk.

About things and to shut down. And we have really labeled embarrassment in our family as something that when you open the curtain and you show it to others, that social connection and being.

Seen is what fights against embarrassment, also fights against shame.

So the piece here, then around tuning into our values, also led into this struggle between Greg and I, which I know so many people then talk about. How do we then parent from the same page? And this was really interesting because when I had unfolded that something had happened and I checked in with myself and.

It didn't feel right, I went into Mama Bear and I was going to go talk to the parents, and Greg.

Then came to me and said, I'm.

Not sure if this is your place, and does this really warrant something? And is this just kid behavior?

And it was a really important discussion because here's the thing, and I actually just had this conversation with someone. When it comes to parenting, we're not.

Going to view everything the same.

When it comes to just being a.

Couple in general, you're going to have these core differences.

I was recently remembering the Gottman research.

Which shares that 69% of disagreements are.

Perpetual, meaning you are going to bump up against them repeatedly, meaning that Greg.

And I might continue to see some.

Of the social things that happen with.

Kids differently because we're different people.

And the piece here that I think was a really good learning moment for both of us is that we both.

Came in hot and heavy in terms.

Of where we were at, instead of both of us coming in, talking and saying, you know, what's important about this for you? Here are some of my fears and concerns.

What are the things that you fear.

And concern around this? And instead we just kind of went into this like, here's what I'm doing. No, I don't think that you should. Rather than honoring our differences, rather than.

Exploring what is this about? What's the important thing here? What avenues might we take to move forward with this?

And so I think what's really important is that when it comes to being on the same page, it doesn't mean sameness.

I want you to really remember that is that we can parent from a place of consciousness. We can parent from a place of being connected, but we don't have to do things the same way. And this was a moment where I.

Was coming from my values, and I.

Wanted to move forward from that.

And I know sometimes that can be difficult for the other person, but that's not a threat to our bond, because.

The common goal, of course, is to teach our children our values, is to show our children what it means to build trusting relationships, to be able to stand up when something doesn't feel right, to be able to talk about respect. So when I reflect back on this.

Moment around us not agreeing initially, I think one of the ways we could have done that better is really about entering into it in more of a listening perspective than coming in more defensively. So it's kind of like asking what.

Does our child need from us right now?

What feels easiest but what feels hard and more aligned with our values? What what are our core values here? Like, what's really important and what are some of the pieces that maybe we can bend on but we don't necessarily agree on? And that is the way through a difference.

It's not about trying to convince the other person to say, see it exactly the same way as you. And I think that is so important in a relationship. I am not going to try to convince you to see this the same.

You know, that moment when you're just this close to full on hangry, the kids are whining, your partner says, I think it's this way and your power Walking through an unfamiliar city in the blazing sun. Yes, that was me last week. Except there was nothing holding me back and it's a good thing for Greg because my nervous system getting dysregulated when I'm hungry. There's just nothing good to come from it. So we didn't get into a disagreement, but it was because I was wearing my Bionic uptown loafers that got me through the day. They carried me everywhere and it allowed me to not be cranky with sore.

Feet at the end of the day.

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Next piece was within myself and it was really interesting to go through it, I went to the neighbor's door. And you know, one of the things when it comes to this authenticity, the.

Vulnerability, is you're putting yourself out there and you don't know how the other.

Person is going to respond.

I did not know these parents. I had never met them. I was meeting them in difficult circumstances. I was nervous.

And some ways I sometimes have this almost like if you listen to the.

Brit Frank podcast recently, we talked about parts.

It's almost like my child part shows.

Up sometimes and is like, who are you to go and do this? Like you're just a kid. You're not, you know, this 40 year old you, you don't have two kids. You don't, you know, you know, you're just a kid. And then it's really difficult because to then act from my values, I had to get really uncomfortable. So the other piece around here is.

I wanted to have that wholehearted conversation with other parents. And I know being on the receiving end of that, and I've heard many situations where parents have tried talking to other parents.

And it just cycles into this stuff that we do. We get defensive, our egos show up.

We say, my kid's not wrong, your kid's wrong. And then it becomes this battle of right and wrong. Instead of wholeheartedly showing up and saying.

Tell me about what happened.

Okay, I'm, you know, I can see.

That from your experience. This experience I could only imagine would be difficult, right?

So it's really this sinking into curiosity.

This willingness to understand someone else's experience, and then also to validate that experience of being uncomfortable and not jiving with another person's value. Depending on whatever it is, if a.

Parent comes to you and says something.

Doesn'T feel good that happened between our kids, is it our place to say you're wrong about that?

But instead it's more a place to.

Say, tell me more, tell me more about what happened so I can understand. And then we can go and check in with our values to then talk about this in our family.

When speaking with the parents, I made sure to not come into this conversation.

Of blaming the other kids of what happened. I didn't know all of the details, I didn't know intentions behind it. And I'm going to use Dr. Becky's piece here, which is most generous interpretation. I'm going to give that to those kids.

And the piece here is that I.

Can go in with facts and I can talk about how this doesn't feel right or how this doesn't feel good for my child. And here are the things that are difficult, and are you aware that this has happened? And moving forward, that's all I can do, and that's all that I did do.

And part of what really helped him move through this experience was the wholehearted.

Authentic response from the parents. And that is that they met me and my child with understanding and they took the next steps to move forward.

I think for us, when it comes to having these hard conversations with other parents, there's this fear. Again, I come back to this concept of, are we parenting in our values?

Are we parenting from place of fear? And not going to speak to them would have been parenting from a place of fear. What would they think of me? Would they think these things? Would they, you know, speed past me on the road?

Or would they, I don't know, you know, all the stories that our minds can tell us.

But it was interesting, though, because I had to move through that fear of I don't want to be that parent, and instead being brave and standing up for my kid. And that was from that place of what really matters to me.

There was something else that was so.

Beautiful about this experience, and that was to see the corrective response, response afterwards.

Not only did the parents hear me.

And express understanding when I was standing.

In their doorway, but then there was also this element about around repairs and apologies and these kids coming to my kid and doing this beautiful repair. And then at the same time, my.

Kid learning to say, that didn't feel good, please don't do that again. I think there's this element here of giving our children voices, to process the.

Feeling fully around an experience and then.

To also come through that emotion into.

Something that makes sense and that they.

Don'T hang on to it as long as we do as adults. And often the reason why we hang.

On to these things for so long.

Is because we don't fully allow ourselves to process it. So there was an event that happened. Could it have been a mistake?

Absolutely.

We give a generous interpretation, we stand up for ourselves, an apology is made, we talk about the embarrassment, and then we move forward.

And I think it's just this really.

Lovely moment to witness kids do this, this. And to not have to hold on to this one time when this person did this and they never took ownership of it.

Those are the stories that kids tell. Those are the stories that.

Those are the stories that adults tell me that are unhealed in therapy.

Those are the times where people come.

To therapy and say, there was this girl in grade five who did the thing Thinking of the women that I see, or.

You know, some of the men will say, those are the stories that remain unhealed is when we don't.

Get to process fully through it. And I think this was such a beautiful way of how parents and children.

Can move through something that doesn't necessarily feel all that great.

After this conversation with the parents, I drove away and I sat in my.

Car for probably about 10 minutes.

And it was this moment where I.

Realized that I had just done something.

My younger self always needed.

And that was to see hurt, to.

Name it, to stand beside her with courage. And it was such a healing moment for that younger part of me, but.

Also, too, to lean into who I am today and the values that I want to act out.

You've heard me talk a lot about values in today's episode. And this is this element where we.

Ask ourselves what is really important to me?

And it's so easy to get stuck.

In all of these, these thoughts and.

Feelings and then actions that keep us.

Looped into things that don't feel good for us. Avoidance, self abandonment, giving up what we want and need for others is satisfaction.

And when we step into our values.

Then when we say what's really meaningful to me, we then make choices to live them out. What are the small things that we do each day?

And this was. Was one of those really cool, full circle moments where I had listened to the value inside of me, what really matters. And I also allowed that younger part of me to see what it meant.

To show up with courage and to.

See hurt and pain and to move through these experiences. One of the things I'm constantly talking about with my clients and with you here is the weight of what it means to be reparenting yourself through parenting. And I know that you are doing so much work around this, and I also know that it is exhausting and hard. And sometimes we need those moments of.

Someone saying, hey, I see you. I see you doing these hard things. You've got this. I'm so proud of you.

So if you have recently or in the past a part of your journey, if you've been experiencing, if you've experienced.

Something like this, this pause here and acknowledge that you are doing this hard work, this is not just for your.

Children, but this is also for you. And I think sometimes what we do is we show up for our kids, but we also then end up healing these parts of ourselves that maybe we never had words for before. All right, I'm going to end it here. I think something that is so important to me is that I don't aim for perfection in parenting, but instead I aim for the connection, the authenticity, and.

The willingness to be vulnerable.

And that sometimes means sitting in hard stuff. It sometimes means emotions that are showing up that don't always feel good. And also means making hard choices that are in line with what truly matters to us. So before we wrap up, take a moment and ask yourself what values are guiding your parenting decisions right now? Now, what are the things that are really important to you? And when was the last time that.

You stood up for someone, maybe your child, where it felt really vulnerable?

And can you recognize that you made a brave and hard choice? All right, I'm gonna wrap up here. I'm so grateful you joined me for today's solo episode and to hear about this experience with my kids. I'm just grateful that you're here. It's a little bit of a full circle moment. If you're watching, you are seeing me in my podcast recording studio. Studio, which is actually the basement of where I started the podcast. So I have cycled through all of these different locations with the podcast, but I'm back here in the basement and I'm looking over where the closet is. And the closet is where I first recorded so many episodes and had so many great guests back in season one. And it just feels pretty cool to be recording here knowing that Greg right now is keeping Lachlan, that's our Westie, quiet, and he's finishing up bedtime. And now I'm gonna go be part of that bedtime. So I'm grateful that you're here with me.

Thank you so much.

If anything resonated from today, send me a DM on Instagram. Let me know. If you have a question, submit it to me over@drtracyd.com forward slash podcast. And if anything stood out, please leave me a review. Click the stars.

Click.

Subscribe. That helps others find the podcast and I'll see you next week. Remember, this podcast is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider.

See you next time.

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