Part 2: When Love isn't Enough: Rebuilding Trust

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This is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together, we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, three. Settle in and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good. Hey, it's Dr. Tracy and I'm sitting here with my husband Greg, and this is part two of our conversation All About Trust. So if you missed last week's conversation, hit pause, go listen into that episode because we dig deep into what is trust versus love, how trust is impacted depending on your attachment styles. And also, that was big for me. That was really big and I loved your contribution on that. And then the other piece we did in the episode was those ways that trust is often broken.

Yeah, I was just commenting to you that I was worried it was a bit boring because it was kind of the nuts and bolts of it. But it sounds like it really resonated and I think you, I think you had to go there first before we can dig into some of the prescriptions and answers, some of the community questions which we hope to do today.

Yeah, absolutely. I had so many great comments and dms. So if you have listened to it or if something stands out from Today's conversation, jump into my DMs, tell me what's resonating for you, what maybe we missed. And of course, as always, leave us a review here on the podcast. It really helps people to find the pod. All right, where are we going today?

Well, I think we're going to start with five ways to keep rebuilding trust. Kind of, as I mentioned earlier, kind of the prescription. And then we're going to answer some specific questions you got from the community.

Yeah, so today's really that Q and A. But the biggest question that came in from people when I put up this question box is so how do we rebuild trust once it's been broken? What do we do? So we've I sat down and thought, okay, what are those pieces? One the most important thing is you need to follow through on those small things. The trust is built in the example of you say you're going to pick up milk. You go and pick up milk.

Yeah, it's interesting. I think it's the little stuff you almost take for granted that you, you kind of go on autopilot and just do or not do in a lot of cases. And those things really build.

Yeah, I think they can build easily for both partners and also too for the person who is working to rebuild trust. They too can start to feel exhausted because it' kind of like what's this milestone that I'm getting to or when are we going to be there? And it is that ebb and flow back of okay, what are those moments? But also the person who's trying to, to gain trust back has to acknowledge are you doing the things.

Yeah, that's really interesting. I can imagine as someone in the role of trying to rebuild the trust, at times it might feel like the goal posts are always shifting, like how are they ever going to get there? And I think you'll probably talk about it like it's about repetition, consistency, checking in the communication piece versus like just literally getting to this, this goal line. But I can, you know, trying to hold minds, trying to do that would be hard because you might not know when you get there a hundred percent.

And what you just said. There is also this piece where trust is not built in a one time thing. So my second piece is repairing after ruptures. I almost have these like two road in my head of where I want to go with this idea. But the first thing is let's think about your relationship as an op, as, as a cycle and there's this cycle between connection disconnection and repair. So even as we're building trust, we're going to keep cycling through that. It's almost like the small cycles in the big concept of trust.

Right.

And every day there might be, well, maybe not every day, but depends on what that looks like. Right. We're either talking big things or small things, but the intention in a relationship connection, we're going to experience disconnection and then we need to have those repairs. And anytime I talk about repairing or apologies and we talk about what we learned growing up, we often talk about how many other generations really struggle to sink into ownership and accountability after those ruptures.

Right. Or they thought as repair as a one time thing.

As a one time thing, yeah. Yes.

I could see maybe models, whether it's your parents, grandparents, whatever. A they might not have repaired in front of you if they did it all, B, if they did it, it may have been one and the assumption was that was sufficient versus I think what you'll talk about is it's. It's not just a one time thing.

Right. So those two roads, the first road is okay, recognizing that we repeatedly have to repair. And the second row road rather is recogniz that sometimes in these injuries, it's this repeated unfolding in couples therapy. In the emotionally focused couples therapy literature, we call the attachment injury forgiveness model. And it is not this linear. We do the things and go through it once, but rather it's every time the story unfolds. So I think of this one couple where there was infidelity and they had the biggest rupture, the big moment, all of the disclosures, and they hit the honeymoon stage after because they felt closer after that. But then the challenge though is you start entering into daily life. And then I'll use the infidelity as an example. She sees him on his phone and she starts to feel insecure. Oh no, is it happening again? That right there is. Then the moment where she goes back and says, you have to do this in the agreed upon way. It's the, oh, I feel really insecure right here. Seeing you on your phone just brought me right back to all the other times I've seen you on your phone.

And the past when the thing happened.

In the past when the thing was happening. And that right there is a repair moment. And so it's layered. It's repeatedly getting comfortable with repairing as we unfold the complexities of these injuries.

So taking your analogy, in this case, in that example, it's that partner not thinking, oh shit, not this again.

Which is one of the worst because it's already right.

Because I. Let's say it's a guy. In that case, he's like, we've already done this. I thought we were past this. I thought we fixed this.

Which is one of the most damaging things that you could say to your partner is, I thought we already talked about it. Rather than appreciating and recognizing that this is building trust, every moment you go back into it is another chance to work through that connection, disconnection, repair cycle, to feel closer together.

So how do you get, in this case, how do you get that partner to realize that? I could just imagine you've worked with couples and it's the guy's like, yeah, I've done this, I've done this. I've done this.

Like, it is, it really is. The education piece. The education piece around. Well, first, if you're working with a therapist, the therapist will provide that education. If you press play on this in front of your partner, you're going to hear me say this. It does take repeatedly revisiting these hard moments and validating and building curiosity and understanding and meeting the needs of your partner at that point, whether it's reassurance, validation, to be seen to know that they matter. But then I think the piece here too, that you then to your partner, when you go to them and they say, ah, this again, you can say you validate experience. I know these, these conversations are uncomfortable. I totally get it. I feel it too. And I even feel the struggle when I see you enter into it and provide the softened reason for why we're doing it. We're not doing it so that I'm going on a fishing expedition to find the thing that you didn't actually tell me.

Right.

I'm coming to you because I feel shaky in this moment. And this is about me rebuilding trust. And what I need from you is interesting. And that's a key piece.

So how would you respond to someone though? Maybe they're thinking, well, why do I have to do that much lifting that you just described? I'm not the one who's hurt in.

This, in this example, the injured or injure the injured. Yeah.

Because that's what you just described as the injured.

I know.

Kind of like softening the one. Right.

Because you have power, agency, and choice. You know, I go there. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you can wait.

Yeah, I know.

And you can hold it in. Or you choose to do it because the value you hold is your relationship. And sometimes it is about helping the other person along. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Okay.

Three, you need to, to build trust. This is the rebuilding of trust. You need to share vulnerably. I think that's so important. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner. But then you also have to practice responding gently to each other. And it's in this vulnerability sharing where we then rebuild that connection. Like I said last time, this is the, the marble drop in the marble jar that builds up trust.

Okay, so take, continue your analogy from before. So is this the injured sharing and then the.

I think it's both. And, and that's, that's where true trust comes from. And you and I have talked about this in previous sessions actually. Is that in order for me to be vulnerable with you, I need to know that you're not going to throw it back in my face.

Right.

That's one layer of trust. But the other layer that we've talked about working through is you coming to me without needing to control the outcome. And that's where vulnerability is, is. I don't know where this is going to go. But the relationship won't build trust if you don't enter into the relational arena with me and equally share those hard moments.

Yes, of course.

So vulnerability, it's all about building closeness. And that's a sticky.

Sorry. Before we move on though, so what would responding gently sound like? Help me out. I'm.

Thank you for sharing that with me. Oh, this one sounds hard. What can I do to support you in this? I want to understand this, but right now I'm feeling a little bit defensive and I like that defensive one because you're like you're walking around it. Yeah, right. And if, if you are the one on the injurer side, if you're the injurer and you're trying to rebuild trust with your partner, as you're listening to this, I want you to have these three things prepared. Write them down and then use them. And I said this recently. I can't remember where I said it, but I said nothing in your relationship is on fire. If you can sit with your person and say, oh, this one feels really important and just leave it at that. That's enough. Good follow up questions. You're pushing my thinking. I like it. Okay, another idea. Number four. Be transparent, not defensive. It. It's so tricky because defensiveness works in so many opposite ways that you want it to. It is about protecting the self. It is not about looking after the relationship. It says, my needs are more important than yours.

My feelings.

My feelings are more important than yours. And I'm not going to be here to see that with you. And if you're in the trust building space, that's not going to work. And so it really is about you being open. And it's interesting, I think of something you did recently. You had said, I'm feeling defensive, I can't say anything else right now. And initially, which time? Initially I was angry. I was like, oh, because I was.

Using your language against you.

You weren't using it.

I'm just kidding.

You weren't using it against me. You, because you said the thing you're supposed to say. You were letting me know where you're at. I think sometimes that's where people who are more likely to be external processors like me, you know, I'm also a very fast processor. Like I. It's tricky sometimes and I know I bring that to our relationship and I have to think about that. So it is kind of that like we have to do this, like seeing both people in here, which can feel like a lot. Okay. And the number five, this piece I think is really important. And this is around building self trust. This is about you being able to understand that you deserve to be treated well. You get to trust your own thoughts and feelings. You get to show up authentically.

Yeah, that's interesting. I'm just thinking about a lot of couples who might have like this perceived like power imbalance in the relationship. And some might really struggle with that. So like, how do you like. It's. It's one of those things that sounds really important, but how do you do it?

How do you do it? If you can't trust yourself to stay open, present and kind, it's going to be hard to be trustworthy with someone else. So you have to practice that regulation. You have to know when to call it and say, I can't have this conversation with you anymore. I need a break. And then you also have to work on your own communication tools. And that's all about use. The, the image I like to think about it is like you growing the roots of your tree deeper into the ground. You're solid, you're trusting, you know who you are. And that's not when you reactively say to someone, I know who I am and this is just who I am. I don't really buy that in terms of deep connectivity within ourselves. But to be connected to yourself is about going slow.

Right.

Is about the awareness of when something bothers you or upsets you, of being able to ask for more time to think about something. Or if, you know, you come home and say, I'm in a bad mood and you're like, what's wrong? Did I do something? Me being able to say, I'm not sure yet. I don't think this is all you and I need to just hang out here a little bit. I'll come back to you. Like that to me really speaks about awareness.

Yeah. If you have to tell the world you've got, it might not be all of it. Interesting.

So when I think about what we talked about last week around attachment patterns, someone who is more anxious, they need to tune into self soothing and that that's about building trust for yourself. Self soothing, which is the, ooh, I feel really anxious right here. They said they were going to be home at 5 and they're not. And this reminds me of where we were last year in this really hard place. So soothing is I'm going to ground myself. I'm going to remind myself of all these things we've been doing to build connection. And then for someone who's more avoid, this is going to be about staying in conversation, staying in connection with your partner, rather than shutting down and shutting away.

Staying in the uncomfortable.

Staying in the uncomfortable. Totally cool.

All right, well, let's get to some of the questions we received. I think it's important to flag some of these are kind of broad. You don't have all the information or all of the context and nuance because I think these are. This relational stuff is pretty. Can be really complex. So I, I think really the idea is to give the listeners kind of, kind of some high level stuff and some will be more specific than others, less so. Okay, let's get started with this first question. It's pretty broad. How do you build trust again when someone betrays your trust?

Yeah, when I read this, I didn't know if someone is actively betraying or not. But I think the question or the statement here rather is that if someone is actively betraying it and doing things that you have said, this is hurting me. You know, you can't build trust again. You need to see behavior change and you also need to discover what the breaking of trust is all about. So I think what's important here is understanding that change isn't just about saying, I'll just do it your way. And this is also why we consider attachment styles we talked about in part one and also your relationship dynamic. I want like, I want to know what's happening in your relationship around what is betraying trust. And I do teach the relationship dynamic piece inside be connected. And when I talk about this, what I wonder is, what do I bring into this dynamic? So this is if someone is not actively betraying your trust, it's already happened. It's already happened. But I'm saying if they're actively betraying your trust, you can't ask yourself to trust someone. It's like, how do I feel safe with someone who hits me every day? You don't. You don't, you don't. So if this. If the question is, how do I be, how do I build trust again with someone who has betrayed my trust? One thing that I want to layer into this conversation is the dynamic we bring. And that is that if there is. If there are moments or things that they do, are you giving them wiggle room? Are you giving them permission? Are you talking about it? Do they know it's an act of betrayal? Like, does your partner know that them showing up at 6 when they said 5 feels like it's betraying trust?

Or they might just think it's being late.

Exactly, exactly. And then the pieces. So then what are you communicating with them? Or if your partner says yes to the family event, but you don't feel safe going, is that a betrayal? Or is there something in your dynamic that you guys have to solidify together as a couple, to be that strong couple, a united front on this, to then move forward? Is. And is that necessarily a trust betrayal or is it a communication issue? And then I think the other piece here, in addition to what I already shared around those five different things, to rebuild trust, I think we have to ask ourselves, what do I need to help rebuild it? And can you communicate that to your partner? And when I say communication, I often ask couples in my therapy room, if I were a fly on the wall, what would I see your partner doing? This is. This is a great thing for everybody listening to, think about. When you go to your partner and you say, I need reassurance, reassurance would help me with trust. A lot of people don't know what that looks like.

No, I was just thinking the same.

So then my next question is, what would your partner be doing or saying that would be giving you that reassurance? So it's really about getting specific and clear on your need.

So what if they can't answer that? Like, that's something you need to think about?

They have to think about that one. Yeah, you. You need to just take some time. This is the awareness and the self. Self reflection that is needed. And in some ways, if you can't label what need is, then you're both walking around in the dark.

Right. Okay, let's move on to the next one. How will I ever be able to fully trust someone after 20 years secret relationship with. In this example, I'm just going to use someone else. It may have been a friend's parents. I can't yet, I can't yet trust them.

Yeah. And we, we had another question that came in that was really similar to that, which is how to trust or forgive after years of broke broken promises and emotional infidelity. And I'm going to direct people back to the infidelity episode I did a few weeks back. And that one has received some great feedback as well. Really this episode that I've been waiting to do and it was timely to do it and also there was so much compassion and clinical work in it. So one of the things I think about when there are these long term broken pieces of trust is about how it's not something that's fixed overnight. And so I mentioned this earlier in the sense of repeatedly coming back to repairing conversations. But it makes me think of some of the recommendations I made to someone who was in be connected recently. And this was about having this emotional affair with someone that they worked with. And it, it was challenging because the person came to me saying when I bring this up to my husband, he shuts me down. And we had to dig into what, what are the moments that you're bringing this up in and have you agreed it's almost like a container. Have you agreed in some way of when you're going to enter into that? Because sometimes what happens is when we're trying to rebuild this trust, we almost, it almost feels like a free for all. So this container idea is that instead of almost like being this kind of open wound that exists in our relationship that I can talk about at any time. It's almost like how do we focus on rebuilding trust on the everyday moments, right? So it's like how we're turning towards each other, how we're hugging at the end of the day, how I greet you at the door, how we're doing those 10 minute connection moments at night. We're planning dates, we're sharing things. We're getting really intentional, right? It's kind of like this is the everyday stuff that has to happen. And then if it's once a week, you have this container moment, the agreement that you sit down together. And during the week, anytime you've had this really hard moment, you write it down in your notes section so that before you have this meeting, you go to your notes section and say, what were the themes here that showed up for me this week? And then you go to them and you say, can we talk about what's happening? I referenced Be Connected, because I remember saying to this individual, go back into the returning to a hard conversation guide that I have in there. I think it's lesson eight in the. In the program where I actively walk through you and your partner being the expressing person and how to get into the deepness of that conversation. Because you got to get to the raw piece. Right. This is not just a who. Who are you texting? You know, you've been on your phone a lot today. It's deeper than that. And then also supporting the listener partner, because we've got to take those turns.

Right. So I'm just holding in mind someone who's listening, who's the injured. And in essence, what you're kind of asking them is to kind of press pause and, like, plan a time to have this. But if I'm the one that's injured, and maybe in this case it's been years, my righteous indignation is like, I can bring it up whenever I want.

Oh, yeah.

So how do you, like, how do you reconcile that? Like, they're hurt, pissed.

Absolutely. Absolutely. You get to be hurt and pissed. And railing your partner for hours and days on end does not move you closer to where you want to be. It stops being relational. And listen, one of the biggest truths I know is if you were feeling disconnected in your relationship, you didn't choose to step out, and he did, and that is so painful. And now it's like, what do you do with your anger? And whether. You know, here's the thing. I think boys and girls both haven't learned what to do with anger. I think we're changing this narrative a little bit better now today for our kids. But for men, you get angry, and then you, like, walk away, and it's. There's nothing done with it. But women are taught to stuff it down, or if you vent it out, you're called a. And venting also is not productive, though.

Right?

Right. It's kind of the, like, with this person going to her partner all the time talking about it. I wasn'. Productive. They weren't moving forward. So it was kind of the, like, what do I do with my anger now? You process it. You get out the music where you want to, like, get on a spin bike and just be angry listening to that angry music. Maybe you cry at the end. You get out the journal, but you have to do something with it. Otherwise it does just eat away at the relationship. But the but hear me loud and clear. You get to be so angry that you cannot skip over the anger part.

Yeah, yeah, I, I, I, I figured you'd reply with something like that. It's not saying it's productive, it's just I could could imagine they feel this deep sense of.

Of course. Yeah. And here's the other piece too. Anger is a primary emotion when you have been wronged, harmed or something is unjust and that in that moment you've been wronged. So you have to let yourself be angry.

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Okay, the other question that came up here, everything I say, I feel like hubby challenges, don't want to tell him things because of it. Which is a really interesting question because it does speak to trust in a way, doesn't it?

I think so. This one's. I mean, this is a bit tricky. Like, is this literally everything that's. That's tough. Is it parenting stuff? Is it one topic? I don't know.

We don't have those details, but it's almost like, let's make this a concrete example. I come to you and I'm like, ooh, sky's really blue today. And you're like, well, I don't know. I see, like, a tint of purple. Like, I don't think it's really blue. And I'm like, oh, okay. And then we're making dinner, and I'm like, oh, this chicken is delicious. And you're like, is it, you know, like, you really should have been cooking it this way, etc. Etc. By the way, Greg hugs the chicken. I do not. It's really this piece of. When you are constantly being challenged, it can feel like you're, like, hammered down and made to be small. And it's like, how does trust come together? Right? Because trust is not necessarily those big infidelity moments. It's also the. We're doing this together. We're on the same team. I believe that you are a good enough person in all the things that you're doing. So.

So this behavior undermines that, this constant questioning, and.

Absolutely so. And as I say that one thing that comes to mind is about someone's history. Did you, like, were you trusted as a kid? Did you trust others as a kid? If you said, no, I didn't hit my sibling, and just thinking of that as an example, but, no, I didn't hit my sibling. Did your parents say, well, they're crying, so you must have done something. So that kind of feeling of not being believed, when I hear a question like that, I'm often like, oh, what part of it is it your husband? And what part of it is what you bring in? And of course, I think people know, being in this community with me, is that you ask me the question, and I know you're asking me to share something about you as well, which is, like, the hard truth, right? Like, and that's the other thing, too. I love about be connected, by the way, which is people come in and they're like, tell me how my husband's doing it or tell me how my partner's doing all things wrong. And I challenge People to go inside themselves to look at how they're playing a role in this.

Yeah. It's funny you say that. I often worry almost because I'm not clinically trained. When you're giving feedback to people, you almost put too much emphasis on what that person how, how they're contributing versus the partner who's done the wrong thing. Isn't that interesting?

Yeah, that is interesting.

Yeah, that's my lay perspective, though.

Yeah, I appreciate that. Okay, answering the question. So this is there. There could be two ways to do this. This is an out of the moment conversation, and then it's in the moment. And an out of the moment conversation is about letting your partner know how things are going. There's a pattern that's happening between you and you need to say something to him. So I would say something like this. There's this pattern between us where when I say something, it's almost like a chance for you to bring in your perspective. And maybe you don't mean it this way, but I end up feeling challenged in these moments. I need you.

Da da da.

Maybe it's to hear me, to just listen, to give me space, to have a voice. So that's out of the moment. I'm giving you this information. Maybe you're not aware of it. I'm giving you a generous interpretation. Maybe you don't know that you do this. And I'm curious. Have you ever noticed that you do this with other people? What do you think that's about for you? Right. That's me being curious about my husband who's doing this. Then in the moment, if you're jumping in and challenging me, I might say, hey, love, this is one of those times we talked about, I know you have feelings, or I know this is something that you like to share in this moment. I just need you to hear me.

You've done that to me. But I think what you're saying is that requires the out of the moment conversation. So then in the moment you can help change the behavior, right?

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay. This next one doesn't really present as a question, but more of a comment. It was a short kind of field to fill in. So this, this community members says, lack of parity and memories. Partner feels. I lied, I felt. Sure, we talked about it. Insert topic, whatever that is.

And this comes up for couples all the time, whether it's something around lying or how they experience an event. And the reality is there is no camera. We can't rewind and watch the camera. And so there are three truths Your truth, my truth, and the objective truth of what really happened, which we don't know. And so this is then where people get stuck in that negative cycle. They bring something up. You feel questioned or whatever is happening inside of you, and then you up the ante and say, no, like we talked about it. They don't feel heard and seen, but instead of talking about that, they go up into anger and frustration, and away you go into your negative cycle. And the way out of this is that there's two things. So if I'm the person that feels like you're lying to me, me saying to you you're lying, I know you are, that doesn't work because that's the focus outward. And instead what we need to do is go inward and inward. Sounds like, I don't know how this fully unfolded, but there's this feeling in my gut that, like, feels just uncertain and it doesn't feel good. And then I need. Again, we're coming back to feelings and needs. And when we focus outward, that raises defensiveness. It's getting stuck in criticism and blame. We've got to go inside. So for that person, that's your. Your piece there. Now, although we wish people always came to us communicating it that way, they don't always. So your partner comes to you and you're receiving the, you lied to me.

Or I don't believe you. I experienced it a different way.

Right. So inside me, I'm going to feel my fight or flight take off and I'm going to go into the. Are you serious? Like, I told you everything. I'm almost sure we did. And sometimes even when I do that, I go into my child mode. I am back to being six, Being like, I didn't break that. I swear I didn't. Right. Like, I don't know, whatever, But. But I think instead we see child part. We say, hey, child self. Like, you're okay. You're not a child anymore. You're an adult. You got this. I got this for you. And then validate your partner's feelings and see them. You're not saying they're right, that you lied.

Huge distinction.

Huge distinction. You are validating that something doesn't feel good for them. And, you know, here's the other thing. Let's pull this back a little bit. I don't know what's ever really happened in the couples who argue in my therapy room or who tell me two different stories of something. What I do know is that when we are flooded, our brains are responding in a way that's under pressure. We are in a fight flight, freeze or fawn mode. And if you're coming to me wanting information about something and my brain goes into that, like, survival mode, I can't think clearly. So I may not remember what I told you in that moment. I don't know if I told you everything. But now that we're in the next moment, we can then validate the feelings of uncertainty and also talk about how can we move forward so we feel good again.

Okay, this next one. Partner with OCD trust his fears, bracket cheating and not me air quotes. Who would never cheat. What would you do?

So someone with obsessive compulsive disorder, this would be around the intrusive thoughts. And so the fear is. And the intrusive thoughts for people with OCD can vary on all kinds of different things. And this, this is a struggle because one, your partner needs to get help to tackle those thoughts. You cannot be your partner's therapist. Two, you can say to your partner, I understand your fears. Thoughts are just thoughts, and that's all you can do. And then keep behaving in those ways. And then maybe together you write down the ways that would continue to show each other that you're in this trusting and committed relationship, but your partner has to do the work around those thoughts. Thoughts.

Yeah, that sounds really difficult. That would be tiring because I would imagine that just keeps repeating itself.

Yeah, absolutely. And that's also another reason why doing this work outside the relationship is going to make your relationship stronger. Because then you're saying, oh, wait, hang on. Ah, those thoughts. Of course those thoughts showed up. And there are great evidence based treatments for OCD that people can, can get so that they can experience something different.

Yeah. So I guess ultimately that's your recommendation to this listener in that case, like.

Yeah, so what, what I, what, what, what would you do? And as you know, all my podcast episodes are not psychotherapy. I have to always put a caveat. Disclaimer, disclaimer, disclaimer, disclaimer. But you're not their therapist. And so on one hand, you validate the feeling and you say, I'm. I know when this thought comes up, it's so uncomfortable. We know that thoughts are just thoughts and that's all you can do. And then the other piece is you asking yourself, at what point do we keep in this cycle? And that's going to depend on everybody. And some people will decide to stay their whole relationship like that, and that that works for them. And others will say, I can't keep trying to prove myself, because I keep losing myself in the long run of.

Doing that sounds really challenging.

So I hope this person's partner goes and gets some support.

Okay. Can you ever fully get it back being trust? Once you get the ick, can. Can you get the feelings back?

And a similar question that came in. Someone said, will it ever come back once it's lost? And they said in brackets, I think no. So I'm going to even start right there. I'm going to challenge that. Yes, trust does come back. And it takes repeated work from both of you. It's not just one person. But let's. Let's talk about the ick first. So the ick is this sudden feeling of repulsion or disconnection that can come from lots of different places. So it could come from unresolved resentment where hurts have layered on. There's been no repair. And when you carry resentment like a backpack of bricks, your attraction and desired for each other and intimacy naturally fades. There's also loss of emotional intimacy where people don't feel close anymore. They don't feel comfortable to share and to be emotionally intimate. There's unmet needs or disappointments. This can also lead to the feeling of ick if you're feeling unseen or unappreciated. And then there's also personal triggers where there might be something about your partner that are connected to old wounds or stress that color what's happened.

So that one, that personal triggers one came to mind about the ick, I can imagine it's kind of like what I mentioned earlier. That person who's been injured, there's all these little things that will remind them of, yeah, whatever. So they keep it kind of. They keep replaying this thought or feeling.

So here's the thing about the ick or about thoughts or about our attention is that in life. So I love this story. I use this with clients. So imagine a grandparent is sitting with a grandchild, and the grandfather says, hey, grandson, in life, there are two wolves that you are constantly fighting, the good wolf and the bad wolf. And the grandson says, okay, grandpa, but how do you decide who wins? And grandpa responds with the one you decide to feed. So if you feel ick in your relationship and you keep looking for it and feeding it, you are going to feel more ick. If you start looking for the other things, then you'll likely build a sense of safety and connection. But it's more layered than that because I think we also have to recognize that if there's resentment, you have to work through that if you aren't feeling safe in your partnership, you need to address that and you also need to work on some of your own triggers and stories within that. So my kind of to sum up question, if you've lost trust, can you build it? Yes.

You can get it back.

You can get it back. And it's going to require you to break down a lot of these different pieces in your relationship so you can start feeling good.

Okay, let's wrap up on the. On this one. Following the same thing theme after a breach, how do you know when you should trust or when you're being fooled slash duped? I think is what they meant to say. Stupid.

Yeah. They wrote fooled slash stupid. No one wants to be found being stupid. It's such an interesting word, isn't it? And I hear that from people. I'm so stupid for staying. And my response to that is, you made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time. And we can't criticize yourself for making those choices because otherwise you end up staying stuck. But let's tap into that with more compassion to say, what is it that led you to stay? What was important to you at that time? And how could you have known? I'm curious. I'm going to flip this around on you as the layperson. What. What do you think? How to know when you should trust or when you're being fooled.

That's tricky. I think there's an element of trusting yourself, like we talked about earlier, that's not always straightforward. Kind of leaning into your intuition, trying to slow down and take a step back and kind of work through all the information you have or don't have. And kind of it's almost like making a pros and cons list. I don't know. That's. That's a tough one. It's. I don't know.

I.

It's so nuanced because what's the degree of the rupture? How severe or not is it? Yeah, I'm not. I'm not really answering your question. I think it's like it kind of.

Depends and that that is where. Where it lands. And sometimes these questions are so big I can't answer them. It really is. It depends. And I think how you can find your answer is to practice every single day tuning into yourself what is important to you right now.

Yeah.

And really being honest with yourself. Am I playing out some old patterns here, or is this really the relationship I want to be? In one of the exercises I do in my book, I'M pointing behind me for you. Your husband and his mother is around a 50th anniversary. But the other exercise I like is the 80th birthday and asking yourself, what do I want people to say about me? What do I want people to remember? What do I standing up, giving my like, thank you for being here and celebrating with you, with me speech. What do I want to be able to say about my life? And then from there are what you're do or is what you're doing today aligned with that?

Yeah, that's a good one.

All right. We went for so much longer than I thought we would today. I love these questions and I really do love when you sit with us and contribute to them, so thank you.

Thanks for having me.

So, just to wrap up, if you are looking for more support, you can go check out our 30 day challenge. It's one of our favorite resources. It is one email a day, and it's based on three pillars, my three pillars of how to create a healthy relationship. And by the end of those 30 days, the goal is to feel closer and to feel more trusting in your partnership, knowing that relationships are all about daily intentionality and reaching towards each other and trying out these things.

Yeah, I think where this can help is that consistency piece. You know, we talk about rebuilding trust is like showing up every day. And the 30 days to us challenge can give some. Some good prompts to find a different way to come to your partner if. If you're working through, you know, maybe a major or minor breach of trust.

I remember one person sending me a dm and they were on day six and they had said, wow, like, already having conversations that we have been avoiding and not having for so long. So it's. It's really cool when I get to hear from people, like, the actual experience of.

So cool. I think, I think of it like. Like some people go to the gym and can just work out. I want the app that just tells me what to do. Yeah, 30 days to us is kind of just tell me what to do and there it is.

I love that analogy.

Like, for me on that workout app, it's been super helpful because it's like, there it is and it's. For me, this is the same.

It's the same thing. Okay, I've got the link in the show notes. Thank you for joining us today.

Thank you for clicking Play.

We will see you next time. And remember, you are right where you need to be. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider.

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