Repairing Trust After Half-Truths and Defensiveness

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I received this question from someone who is trying to understand whether trust can actually be rebuilt after this kind of pattern. Here it is. Hey, Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, my question is how to repair and rebuild trust. My wife has shared with me that she doesn't trust me and doesn't know if she can or how to. It's one of the strong points that has her ready to end our 10-year relationship, amongst other things, things like the ups and downs, the never-ending cycle that they're going through. But in regard to the trust, I have a habit of telling little lies and in some moments not disclosing all information that can be a factor for both of us. I've discovered that the little lies has been a default response from my own childhood in moments to protect myself from getting in trouble. That makes sense. When I'm cornered for something or I'm afraid, the default is to not tell the full truth, but then I get caught in that untruth and that has created a huge place of distrust. I also shared a feeling with her at the early stages of our relationship stating, if someone will lie about something small, they'll lie about anything. And my wife has held onto that, which is understandable because I've essentially contradicted myself and done the complete opposite. I know that was a long description, but I want to know how we repair and shift the dynamic to restart. And can that even happen? There's a part of her that doesn't want this to end, but she just doesn't know if those changes can truly happen. She has a perfectionistic mindset and a lot of glass half empty, and I'm the exact opposite. So her pessimistic thoughts play a huge role in her outlook as well. I hope this all makes sense, and thank you for answering my question. One of the first things I want to do, just as we start this question, is I want to acknowledge how you are so able to see how you're both different, and that difference can often be something that attracted you to each other, but it can often be the thing that pulls you apart. And so here's how it looks when you would get stuck in your cycle. You might say to your partner, just trust me, you're doing that whole half glass, half empty thing. Why can't you be more of an optimist like I am? Or we try to argue for the other person to see it from how you are as a person. And I would really encourage you that now that you know this, not to weaponize that against yourself or against your partner, because that is really what leads people to not feel understood. So if you continue to go to your partner and say you're a perfectionist, And that's the issue here. That is breaking a bridge rather than building understanding. There are two main things I want you to walk away from in terms of what you can do next. I think the first thing is, and if you've listened to the podcast and you've been in my community for a while, you know that this is specifically the analogy that I love for relationships. Our job in a relationship is to cross the bridge and to go over and to understand what the other person's experience is. Now, this requires you as a partner to have the willingness, and willingness is such a key thing to have in a relationship. So your job then is to have the willingness to cross over the bridge and to be in your partner's experience. And it's important to take turns crossing it from both sides. So you then, as the injurer, you're the one that has created this wound in your partner, you cross over the bridge and understand it from their side. There's a lot of times where in a relationship we've had this hurtful moment and it is the one big betrayal. And so then we cross the bridge and we look across and we say, okay, I understand your viewpoint here. I see it, but now let's move on from it. And so then every time your partner is struggling with something in that moment, then you say, but we've done this already. What else do you need? And that frustration is actually what will keep you stuck in your cycle and not to heal the wound. So instead, what's really important is being able to cross over the bridge every time your partner is feeling shaky in their trust. And you have that willingness to understand this moment, treating each moment not as a wound to you, not about you because you're not enough, you're not doing this right, you're not a good partner, but because they're having— she, your wife, is having this struggle right here. You've got to cross over. And to understand it. And that could happen several times. And it's not really an indication of your healing or about you or about them, but it's just those kind of shaky moments that we all have. And so if there's a time in the future where your partner says, I'm feeling shaky, you cross over and say, help me understand what's coming up for you right now. And then what do I need? Okay. So that's the first piece is the willingness to understand what what's happening for your partner. Now, in injuries in our relationship, it is the willingness to go back and forth over the bridge. And so then there is this element here where you, not in the moment when you're on this side with your partner, but then you then have to help her build a deeper understanding for your wounds. And so at another time, you say, I've been reflecting a lot about why I tell these half-truths and why I tell these lies, and I'm going to invite you to come over to the other side. I do apologize for you listening right now. I'm fighting the spring cold, and so my voice is really scratchy. So invite your partner to come over, and over there we don't talk about what your partner does. We don't talk about how they trigger you, but you talk about what the experience is inside of you. And you say, I can remember being a child, and here is what would happen. And when I did this, then my parents would do that, and here's what I learned about this. And that, that's a really vulnerable space to have to sit in, and it's also a very important one to allow your your partner to understand what's happening for you underneath those half-truths. Now, this is about building understanding. It is, and I want you to say this to your partner, I am not making an excuse for this. I want you to understand where I've come from, but it's for me to say, now that we understand this, I can now make an action plan to move forward. Now, here's part 2. Part 2 is that you now need to rebuild this trust. And that is so hard and uncomfortable because you're going to have to do the things that you have actually avoided doing before. First, let's slow this down. We have to break it down into layers. What's the trigger for you right before you don't tell the full thing, right before you avoid saying the thing, right before you tell the lie? So you have to understand what are your triggers in that moment. And then in the moment, you need to be able to name it. The naming in the moment is not, You have this hostile look on your face, so I'm not telling you the truth. And that's why naming it in the moment sounds like, this is one of those moments where I feel that urge to not tell you the full thing. I'm not doing it, but I want to tell you that this like old fear right here has just shown up and I wanted to name it in front of us so that you know what's happening inside of me. When I think about communication, I think about two levels that we're always having. One is that meta level. It's the, I'm looking down amongst us and I'm trying to see what's happening between people. And the other one is down here where I'm actually in the conversation with you and I'm saying the words that I'm saying. The meta level can also sound like walking around what's happening. So instead of you divulging the full truth of what's happening, you might walk around and say, My nervous system right here is telling me to run and hide, and that's not what I want to do right now. I'm just letting you know that that's what's happening right here in the moment. I'm naming it. That right there actually helps your partner feel trust because you are then saying, I'm not going to go and do the thing, but I'm letting you know what's happening inside of me. That is emotional intimacy to its core. Emotional intimacy is going inside yourself and letting the other person see what that experience is, what you're thinking, what you're feeling. Feelings are in our bodies. What the emotion is— emotion is the label we give it at the back of our brain. The anger, the sadness, the fear. The body part is, I feel this lump in my throat as I'm about to tell you something, and it just feels so uncomfortable. Sharing all of that is emotional intimacy. And I would imagine that it was that type of emotional intimacy that was shut down for you growing up because that was not safe to do. And so then in this moment with your partner, that is the very hard thing that you're having to do. So then there's this other element in here where you then actually have to say the hard thing, and maybe you two find a way to do that together. Maybe it's about finding some co-regulation strategies together. So if you are about to share something hard, you say, hey, can we go for a walk and hold hands? You go for the walk, you hold hands, and you say the hard thing. You might even start it by saying, I want to share something hard with you, and I just want you to listen. That right there cues your partner's brain to, okay, this is important, and I'm going to practice listening to this. There's another element in here where a lot of ownership has to happen, and this is you going to your partner, and it's not to make excuses. It's not to justify the things that have happened, but it's to say to your partner, I did the thing. I understand now why I did the thing. And also, this is what I am committing to moving forward with because you matter to me and you're important to me and I want to change how it goes forward. Now, here's the other thing is that trust in a relationship, it's implicit. It's not something that we announce out loud, but it is something that once it's broken, it can be shattered. So oftentimes in relationships, we all can remember the point where we say, I love you. And if you waited for your partner to say it first or you said it first, whatever whatever that looks like. But we don't ever say, I trust you, because often trust is just given. And when it's broken though, I view it like Brené Brown's marble jar analogy, is that when trust is broken, the whole marble jar is spilled over. And now each time you are telling the truth, you're responding to your partner, you're willing to hear their experience, that's you putting a marble jar back in and you're trying to build that truth. That does not happen overnight, and it takes time and not pressure or insistence that they just instantly trust you again. Here's what I want to finish with. I want to reflect back that I can hear your relationship is important to you. And also too, your partner is saying, I don't want to just jump ship. I want us to find a way through this. You matter to each other. And the moment you matter to each other is the very moment that you know how to hurt each other. And it's not if you break trust or hurt each other, it's when. And now this is such a beautiful opportunity for you to repair and build this new season in your relationship. All right, let me know how this one lands. I know so many people struggle with rebuilding trust. It is not something that just happens overnight. And I also know it's possible to build that trusting and secure relationship. If you're looking for more help, join me over in Be Connected. Dr. Tracy Dalgleish is there to answer specific in-the-moment support questions. So if you have this moment where you want to share something hard, you jump into the program and you ask Dr. Tracy AI, I want to share this. What's the best way that I can do this? Because Dr. Tracy AI is trained on all of my trainings, all of the way I teach. So you're not just getting some generic answer, but instead you're getting the real support that I wish so many people had in those moments that we struggle in our relationships. All right. Thanks for clicking play, and I'll see you next time. 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