Stop Taking It Personally: Differentiation in Real Life

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your relationships will change once you can learn this key piece. Hi, it's Dr. Tracy and today I'm talking all about the skill of differentiation. But there's a really important piece in here that once you can learn how to do this, your relationships with your partner, a parent, a sibling, a friend, your child or your in laws, it is going to change. Here's what I really wish more people would learn earlier on others Thoughts, feelings, desires, needs, their experiences. They are not about you. What I'm talking about here is differentiation and this is a therapist word that really talks about how two people are different. How you each have your own thoughts, feelings, wishes, desires and needs. And how just because somebody has an experience, experience doesn't mean it is about your sense of lovability, your worthiness. It doesn't mean you have to take it all on. It doesn't mean you have to go and fix everything. But the power of differentiation is being able to say I am me, you are you and in a relationship we then can decide how we are going to co create together. You'll hear me say that a lot in all of my work because in essence that's what we're trying to do. We're trying to navigate relationships, relational spaces that balance both self and other, that balance both autonomy and interconnectedness. In my first book, I didn't sign up for this, I walk you through four different couples that I worked with in my therapy room to show you how we get stuck in patterns of codependency and hyper independence. We are in this pattern right now where people are showing up in relationships saying, well, if that's your feeling, that's for you to work on and you have to go do it. I'm not responsible for that. And that is hyper independence. And what's happening is we're losing the essence of relationships, which is really about healthy interdependence, interdependence being. How do I balance autonomy and independence, me being a self. And then how do we balance this piece of interconnectedness, of connection, of intimacy, of coming together? And that is actually an incredibly difficult thing to do. Here's an example of how this showed up in our family. There was a call out recently for parents to enter into my kiddo's classroom to teach something from what we do in our work. And here's the thing. I teach clients, adults. I teach groups of executives. I do sessions for corporations. I have taught hundreds of people how to manage burnout, how to learn about their nervous system so that they don't get stuck stuck in stress, exhaustion, and loops of being stressed and burnt out. And I thought, hey, you know what? How fun this would be to go into grade school and to teach this to my kiddos class so that they too can start to have these skills and tools that I'm later teaching adults in their workplaces. So there was this really cool opportunity to do something different. And then when the teacher confirmed the time I was teaching, I announced it at dinner with my two kids. So sitting at the table, Greg, my husband, says, this is great news. It's going to be so fun for your class. And this kiddo's face immediately drops. The kiddo runs down the hall and closes their door. Oof. Now, if I am not practicing differentiation, what I do in that moment is my gutted feeling completely takes over. And then I get swept into this. They don't think I'm cool enough. They don't think I'm good enough. I'm not a good mom. Why would I go and teach in there? I. All of those things get mixed up in there because suddenly what I have done, if that were the case, is I've taken my kiddo's experience, I vacuumed it up, and I've made it all about me and all of my stuff. And of course, when we show up in relationships, we don't get to get Rid of our stuff. Our stuff is always there. But there's a choice is that when someone is having an experience, the choice is always, what am I going to do when. When my stuff shows up? This was not the moment for my stuff to be front and center and for me to have to work through that to get my kid to see my stuff. And also, I know as you're listening, you're thinking, well, that's also not what we're doing today as parents. So, yes, absolutely, I parked my stuff to the side. And my job in that moment, knowing that my kid is having this reaction, is having this experience, is for me to go and enter into their process that is about them. There's something going on there that I can then be someone to sit beside them and witness it. If you're, like, listening, I'm putting my hands beside it, right? Because that's really what we do in relationships. We don't want to engulf ourselves in the other person's stuff. We don't want to stay in opposite rooms and stay apart from them. We want to sit beside them and to be a witness to what it is that they're experiencing. So after a few minutes, I go down and I join my kiddo in their room and I say, hey, you know what? I totally get this. This is one of those hard feelings that just shows up. And you know what? When I was a kiddo, I felt this way too. So right away, when someone else is having something, validation is the best thing that you can do. And this is even more true if your stuff is showing up so much that you're like, oh, what is this turning around in my stomach? Like, I can't quite figure this out. And, you know, how dare they? Or that's so upsetting. Or they think they don't like me, or they think this about me. No, no, no. Just put the. That stuff to the side. Go into their stuff. Validation is the most powerful thing because it says to the other person, I see you. I'm going to sit in this with you, and I'm going to try to understand it. That is exactly what I did in that moment. So I sat there and I said, okay, now I want to understand what is this really about for you? So I'm trying to create understanding because I know this kiddo of mine. I give choices to this kid. So I first say, you know, is it. Is it option one that you're afraid that I'm going to embarrass you? Or is it option two, you just don't know what I'm going to teach and whether you're going to like it or not. And this kiddo said, it's option one. I'm afraid you're going to embarrass me. And right there, I was entering in with curiosity to build understanding of their experience. And again, right there, I validate it for them. I validate and I say, of course, that makes sense. Now here's something that I have learn to do with my kids, and I do it with Greg now as well. And it's something that I absolutely love doing, is I say this, your needs are important to me. When I hear that, just this weight comes off of my shoulders. Your needs matter to me and what I say to my kids because this is true for our children. Me as a parent, I say it's my job to meet your needs. I care about your needs, and I need to know what they are so I can meet them. In our romantic partnerships, it can vary a little bit. Often. Oftentimes the biggest mistake we're making in relationships today is the belief that our lover should be responsible for all of our needs. And that's just not possible in adult relationships. Instead, our needs are met by all kinds of different people and sources in community. And that's really important for us to hold in mind. So let me go back to my kiddo. So we work through that moment. I understand what the fear is, what the feeling is, and what we need moving forward. So the day shows up. I'm going in to teach in this classroom, and I check in in the morning, which is another really co thing to practice in relationships. Because it's like saying, I'm holding you in mind. I'm holding your context in mind in that moment. So I go and I sit beside this kid and I say, okay, this morning I'm coming into your classroom, I'm doing this thing on nervous system and stress, and I'm going to ask from you, what do you need from me? And I just let that sit there for a minute, and right away, this kiddo said for you to not embarrass me. Of course. I get that totally. And again, here's the differentiation piece that I really want to emphasize. That's not about me. I know that I would never go into that classroom and intentionally embarrass my kid. I know that I'm a parent that respects my kid's autonomy and needs. I know who I am. That differentiation right there is about not making it about me. So I don't say things like, why would you think I would do that? How could you assume that I'm going to embarrass me or what kind of thing is that to think about your parent? See, all of those things make it about me. It's not about me. So in that moment, then I say, I'm so glad you shared that with me. What does that look like? And I give examples. I say, telling stories that are personal to our family. This kid was like, no, don't do that. That will embarrass me. Okay, cool. What about calling on you? Like, should I just not call on you? And my kid says, no, like, maybe you can do that. Like, that might be okay. I'm like, okay, cool. So my kiddo wants to participate. And then I went on to list a few other things. So we had this mutual agreement about what they needed and how I was going to show up again. All of this required me to practice differentiation. It's not about me. It's not personal. I'm sitting beside their process to help them. And the coolest thing I just have to say this is that I came home that day and my kiddo was home. And then the first thing this little one said to me, mom, you did awesome. Which was so cool. Not because of how I showed up, but because they trusted me to be in their classroom. They trusted that I know what their needs are and that I'm going to show up in that way. And that was really cool because I view this moment as I can sit in this kiddo's process of fearing, of being embarrassed, which, by the way, is one of the big themes for this kid. And then they can learn, actually that they can vocalize that need, they can talk about it. And an adult, someone who loves them, is safe, is going to meet them there in that. And that, to me, is just so powerful. Now here is the switch that I'm going to invite you to do. As you're listening along right now, I want you to now imagine that this wasn't a kid. It's not your kid. But instead, imagine it's your partner. And because this is where differentiation actually becomes even stickier. Because in our adult relationships, we fuse ourself to the other person. If they come home in a bad mood, we make it about ourselves. If they ask for help, we say, what, you don't think I'm not doing enough? That right there is attaching their process, their thoughts, feelings, desires, needs, values, completely to us. And that doesn't feel good for either of you. So I want you now to imagine this process with your lover, with someone who you're struggling with in relationships. Maybe it's a parent. When the parent says, you don't call me. Or the parent says, why can't you show up for Easter weekend or this holiday event or this family event? And now imagine being able to step out of that. Because it's not about you. You're not making it about you. How good of a kid you are, how good of a partner you are, how good of a friend you are. But instead you just try to understand what's happening for the other person. Because that understanding then allows you to come together, to unfold, to discover what the need is. This week's conversations have all been about hard conversations. If you haven't yet, go back and listen to the last podcast episode. It's all about shame and how shame derails hard conversations. But if you're looking for more support, be sure to check out my book. If you are someone who loves stories, it reads like fiction. So, so many people tell me that when they pick up, I didn't sign up for this. They're hooked right away and they're like, okay, what happens for Emily and Matt? What's gonna happen? I need to figure out what happens there. And I know that you're gonna get so much out of that book. But if you are also looking for something hands on right now, direct into the point, check out my guide that gives you all of the scripts you need to have those hard conversations. If you're in a dynamic where that person gets critical, where they get frustrated, where you're frustrated, or they're always defensive, notice my always word there or they spiral into shame. I walk you through step by step, how to stay on track in that conversation. This is more powerful than what you're going to find in any open chat out there because I'm taking all of my clinical experience and guiding you specifically on what it looks like when your partner responds and how you can stay on track in that hard conversation. I've got it for you. There's a discount link in the show notes. I hope you'll go check it out. All right, thanks for clicking Play today. If something resonated, share it with a friend. Share it with someone you love so they can learn all about differentiation. I will see you next time. Take care.