The Mindset Shift That Brings You Back to Peace When Others Won't Change

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This hard truth will set you free. You can't control others. You can't make them change. You can't make them understand you. You can't make them show up differently or respond to you in the way that you wish that they would. But you can try two strategies that will shift the way that you show up. And these are two of my favorite strategies. And it's all about where your power lies. And this is even more important as we move into the holidays, that time of year when old patterns get activated.

When family expectations flare up, when our.

Nervous systems feel like they're on this constant fight or flight replaying whether that.

And is going to bring up politics at the holiday table.

And these strategies come right out of acceptance and commitment therapy.

Here's the first one.

Dropping the rope. I want you to imagine a tug of war.

You're on one end gripping the rope.

You'Re pulling, you're bracing, you're digging your heels in and the other person is on the other side. And they are the person who shuts down. They're the person who refuses to take accountability Maybe it's the in law with strong opinions or your mother in law who always has something to say. And here's the thing. No matter what you do, you try to explain, you try to justify, you defend, you plead. They keep pulling it with you. And this is what conflict feels like when we desperately want other people to act differently. Here's a powerful reframe. You do not have to win the tug of war. You can simply drop the rope.

Dropping the rope doesn't mean you agree, it doesn't mean you approve.

And it doesn't mean that you're giving up or letting someone walk all over you. It means that you are choosing peace over the exhausting battle of trying to control with someone else. It says I don't have to engage in this dynamic anymore. It says I don't have to spend my energy trying to convince you when they're not wanting to listen to me. Or I get to protect my bandwidth and my nervous system and my peace. And often dropping the rope is this moment where the whole dynamic when it comes to dealing with family has the opportunity to change because you're no longer playing with them. And that's powerful.

Here's the other way we can drop the rope.

It's that we often get into this mind struggle with people where we're thinking.

If they just show up differently, if.

They just had interest in my life, if they would just be open to hearing about how we're parenting today. That is this internal wrestle we have in our minds and we're constantly tugging on it. But instead I remind people, just put the rope down, just set it down and walk away from it. You don't need to go into that. This leads me right into my second favorite strategy to use during this time of year. And that is asking yourself, is this the story I want to be telling myself right now? When something happens or a hard event comes up, like we're preparing for the family dinner, or we're waiting for someone to text us back, or that family member makes that comment, our brains start to create stories. They spin the story. And stories can sound like, see, they don't actually respect me and they never care. Or they're doing this on purpose, or this always happens. Our stories can also sound like those repeating events. Do you remember the time when my.

Mother in law did xyz?

Do you remember when I was pregnant and she X, Y, Z? Do you remember that time when. And these stories feel so intense because you've been through it. Sometimes they're even familiar, sometimes they're from our past. It's our nervous systems activating in those moments. And it's our body wanting to to protect us by narrating all of the things from the past and all of the potential dangers of the future. But when we come right into this moment, this is not actually what's happening. So here's the question that puts the power back into your hands. Is this the story I want to tell myself? Notice that the question is not this. Is this a true story? Or how do I find the solution to this story? Or what if my husband actually had have said something different? And it's tricky because our brain likes to fill in stories. And if this is a pattern of yours, it's familiar and you've been doing it for a long time. And believe me when I say this, I have my own stories. And those stories can spin. And I remember the first time that I ever asked myself this. It was after a loss. And I continued to spin it over and over and over again in my head. And I had to intentionally. I was blow drying my hair in this moment, and I had to intentionally stop myself and say, do I want to be telling myself this story right now? And how powerful it is to be able to say, no, I actually don't want to. We don't get to control what happens in the past, and we don't get to control what happens in the future. But we do in this moment, get to decide what do we want to do with these thoughts and feelings. And to remember that thoughts and feelings are not truths. They're simply what our body does. And it's often in response to our nervous systems preparing us for something or being dysregulated or being overwhelmed or in some kind of state. And so what becomes more powerful? And often I find that people will say, okay, so what story should I be telling myself? Where should I be focusing on? Well, maybe I just need to focus on the positive. And while that's one helpful strategy, my go to is to get present in our bodies and present in the here and now. What am I doing in this moment? If I'm in the shower, Am I actually in the shower? Am I noticing what the soap smells like? Can I hold my cup of warm tea and actually hold and feel, feel the warm mug. And that right there is shifting out of our minds and into our body, which slows the story down and steps out of that cycle. So as we head into the holiday season, I want you to hold on.

To two of my favorite strategies.

One, drop the rope. You don't need to stay in that dynamic. You don't have to keep creating this resistance for others to change around you. And two Ask yourself this powerful question. Is this the story I want to tell myself right now? You get to decide what you do in the moment when your mind starts.

To tell those stories.

Do I want to stay in it? Sometimes you might stay in it. Other times you choose to get present and grounded and not spin in the story. But I want to leave you with this. Acceptance doesn't mean that you like what's happening. It doesn't mean that you have to accept abuse or disrespect. It means I cannot accept other people and I only only then get to choose how I'm going to show up moment to moment. If you've been looking for more to help you with the holiday season, my new book, you, your husband and his mother, directs you exactly how to set boundaries so you can feel more peace.

Calm and connectivity with your partner.

I love in the book.

It's on step four that I teach you the three things that you need to be on the same page with your partner to set boundaries and that is willingness, importance and the ability. I teach you exactly how to do it in my vault method.

I've got the link, the show notes for you.

I hope you'll go check it out and all right. I hope today you can practice that strategy of just putting the rope down. I'm going to drop the rope.

Thanks for clicking Play. I'll see you next time.

As a therapist, I see how many people struggle, especially this time of year. My clients often increase their sessions because the emotional load rises and getting support becomes essential. But for for so many, the biggest barrier isn't wanting therapy, it's finding the right therapist at the right time at the price that doesn't feel impossible. That's why I'm such a fan of Rula. Telehealth has made therapy more accessible, but Rula takes it a step further. Their mission is to make high quality mental health care easy and affordable for everyone, and they've removed so many of the barriers that normally hold people back. Here's what you need to know. Rula takes most major insurance plans and sessions often average just $15, sometimes even zero, depending on your benef benefits. They partner with over 15,000 licensed therapists.

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