The Real Reason You Avoid Setting Boundaries

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Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy Dalgleish. Clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go-to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries, in-laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together, we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good.

I asked my community something last week. I said, what stops you from setting boundaries with family, with your partner, with in-laws, with friends, or with work? And the responses, Greg, they kind of stopped me.

Tell me more.

Because on one hand, I love the honesty that shows up in our community. It's so cool. But I think on the other hand, I was surprised because I saw so many common themes that people are still struggling with. Like someone said, I set them and they get ignored, so I'm not even going to bother anymore.

That makes sense.

Or I'm told I'm being dramatic or My mom provides free childcare. How do I even say no to that?

Oh, that's, that's, that's a big one. There's this reciprocity piece to it that people I think are afraid of undermining with boundaries.

It's interesting. You're not surprised by it, but I am because I, on the social media circuit, I often think people understand what boundaries are, but I think we are still really struggling. Yeah.

Let me stop you right there. Like repeat that sentence. What you just said. Said in a bubble online, people understand it. But when the rubber hits the road, dealing with people, navigating the real life of like, I need childcare, I need this, I got like trying to thread all these needles in reality, it's a little bit different. Is that fair to say?

What I hear you saying is online we can absorb something, and the front of our brain says, yes, yes, I got it, I do this. And then in the moment our nervous systems completely take over and say, I can't do it. I'm in fight, flight, freeze, fawn mode. Like, no, why bother? What's the point?

Yeah, I think there's some of that, but I also just think there's just like a hardcore realism that hits people in the face when they're running late for work and they're dropping their kid off at grandma's. And you know, there's just like, just reality hits them in the face and sometimes they make choices that they might not necessarily want to do. The algorithm's telling them, no, do this. But then reality says, well, I got, I just gotta go or whatever the case. So that's my not contrarian take, but I think it's just the difference that you and I have.

I love that. And this is exactly what we're gonna talk about today because we want you to understand boundaries and feel more prepared for this holiday season, the summer, whatever's to come. So let's first talk about what the community actually said. And what we did is we looked through all of these responses and we decided to cluster them. In different groups.

Yeah, I think brains like organization, so this made sense.

Yes. So the first theme that showed up is the theme where you are afraid or you fear the fallout. So these are the people who said, I don't set them because, or when I do set them, I feel guilt. There's a fear of rejection and disconnection. There's a fear of it severing the relationship. The fear of how I'm perceived, creating conflict or making relationships awkward. And then this other one, the fear of the fight, the dismissal and the minimizing that shows up with the other person.

Yeah, that sounds like the avoidant people cluster.

Hmm. Not necessarily, because I think someone who is anxiously attached, who's more pursuing for connection, they're going to feel that same fear because remember, disconnection and rejection and abandonment is just as scary for those people. But I think that fear of the fight is real. And what's underneath that? I don't think it's actually fear of conflict. It's the fear of disconnection for both people, whether you are more anxious or avoidant. And the thing is, is not setting the boundary doesn't protect our connection.

I think you've talked about this a lot before. That's the counterintuitive piece, right? It's the boundaries that do provide connection, not the opposite.

It just delays the cost. And what ends up happening then when we don't set boundaries is we build resentment. We then create distance. You know, you have—

avoid.

Yes. Are you familiar with it? Maybe you have a family visit coming up, and instead of staying for 2 days because, oh, we'll just wait until the comments come out, you just pop by. So that was the first one. So that's really interesting. So for people listening, see where your boundary struggles land in these different categories. So here's the next one: guilt and internalized messages. And guilt such a big one. So someone said guilt, because then I feel bad about what happens after. I feel bad about the rejection. Or someone says I'm being too sensitive, I'm overreacting, or I'm dramatic. And those boundaries, then they learn they're unacceptable.

The dramatic one is interesting.

It fits right in the group of people who have been told that you're being sensitive, right?

Yeah. '80s and '90s kids.

The dismissal, the, the parenting of that time. And I have a conversation coming out in a few weeks about different parenting approaches, but parenting of the time was punishment-based. It was a 'stop being so sensitive, go do the thing,' that kind of parenting. And it is interesting because I think about the comments that show up even when we're talking about this online. So a recent one around Easter and having an Easter egg hunt. You and I did the skit.

Yeah, it's a skit, it's fake, but yes.

And the symbolism of it though, well, the messaging behind the skit is really about a couple communicating together. That was the teachable moment. But then you start to see the comments come in from people, and the comments really are, it's not a big deal, you're being too sensitive, why can't you just— and so I think a lot of us, especially when you become a parent when you say, I don't want to talk about our parenting choices, or I don't want to talk about why I'm still nursing, or I don't want to talk about the sleep choices we're making, a lot of parents get the reaction of, well, I'm just asking, you're being so sensitive about this.

Like the grandparent in this example.

Grandparent, maybe even a friend. Yeah, co-worker. The other messages that came in around this one: boundaries feel selfish, I was brought up to ensure everyone else was good.

The people pleasers.

That's a big internalized message that I have to please and care for everybody else outside of me and make sure they're happy and not about my own needs. Another one is they feel the guilt and that I'm a bad person. When we grow up being told our needs are too much, I think that messaging for people is that we just learn to shrink and quiet and silence ourselves. And a lot of people grew up with this, both men and women. And it shows up differently. So I think something just to say right here about the guilt part is the guilt doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong because oftentimes people feel guilt and they're like, ooh, I shouldn't, this is wrong of me. But instead I'll offer you a reframe. The guilt right here is signaling that you're doing something different and it doesn't feel familiar. Mm-hmm. And because it doesn't feel familiar, cuz it feels uncomfortable, you then think it's bad.

So you're kind of advising them to like, for lack of a better term, like lean into it, use the guilt not to shrink, but to use that as a signal to like, maybe this is the right thing to do. Is that fair?

Yeah, guilt often shows up when your values are in conflict and you're doing something that's hard for you and something new.

Not necessarily bad, but hard.

Yes, that's the reframe. And really it's this idea of leaning into the guilt and that you're doing it anyways. It's like taking that feeling and putting it on an object and then carrying that object with you. It's not you, you still go and do the hard thing.

Mm-hmm.

So the piece about guilt is every time you do something out of guilt, you reinforce the guilt. It's a self-reinforcing cycle. You feel guilt about setting a boundary, so you don't set the boundary. The next time you go to set the boundary, the guilt is even bigger.

Yeah.

And that's exponential cycle. Yeah. Okay, let's talk about the third group that showed up with your responses. And this was the futility of actually setting a boundary. The why do I even bother? So some of the comments that showed up: even after setting them, they will be ignored. This is the constant pattern through life. Oh, that one's a tough one.

Yeah.

Uh, they were never respected anyways, so why even bother set them? That's an interesting one.

Yeah, kind of demoralizing, I'd imagine.

Oh, 100%. They aren't respected, they're made fun of. That one, it's just painful. And then the next one: with my mother-in-law, they're not worth setting. She stomps all over them or guilts me over and over. I think this futility piece is so hard because it's like, I have tried, I've tried so hard, but then it's just shut down. And that hope of being understood by somebody, you just stop hoping, like you lose the hope of that. So I'm gonna offer you something here, and I think this is so important about boundaries. Boundaries isn't about changing the other person. All of these have the theme of they don't respect it.

The other person. Yeah.

It's also about what you're willing to continue to tolerate. So the person who needs to change how they're responding— this is a hard one— is you. It's not the other person, because boundaries are there for people to push back. And we'll talk about this moving forward. We'll have this as kind of a how you can keep practicing this with these people who lead you to feel like, why bother? It's the follow-up when they push up against it.

Yeah. The futility piece is interesting cuz you're framing it as like people have been trying over and over and not getting anywhere. I would imagine there's a subset though who feel it's futile, so don't even try to begin with. So what do they do?

Sorry, I spaced out. What would you just ask? I was, I was like somewhere else. I was on a beach. I was thinking how I wasn't sniffling so much. Cause I'm trying to not sniffle.

Sniffle. It's— don't try not to. I think that makes it worse.

Okay.

So with the futility piece, the way you described it was people who have— it sounds like people who've been trying and trying and not getting anywhere. But I also imagine there's a subset of people here who think it's futile to even try to begin with, so they haven't even tried yet. So what should they do?

Oh, so that's someone who it's like, well, I know my parent is so rigid.

Yeah.

And it's like, fuck it, I'm not even gonna bother. I'm not even gonna bother. I think that is a bigger question into the, what kind of relationship do you want to have with this person? And sometimes it is acknowledging that that person isn't going to change, but it goes back to the, what do I want? So is it about changing then the circumstance in which you connect with that person? Is it about building the self boundaries around this? So I think of this in the sense of like, if a hard topic is brought up, I'm not necessarily expressing the boundary to them, but I'm excusing myself to the bathroom. So it is kind of interesting. And I think the piece in there that I would advise the person who feels that way is it's really hard to be in a relationship with someone where you completely lose yourself and you have to find a way to have your own sense of power and autonomy. Not power in the gross way of I'm going to overpower you. I mean, but in the sense of How do I then get that sense of who I am? And that might even be about focusing on that small area that you can connect and feel good with that person about. So the mother-in-law comment actually reminds me of what I'm seeing so many people do inside Be Connected. That's my relationship program that offers you 24/7 support. And I know that people get stuck in their relationship or their partner doesn't wanna do the work with them. They're not going to couples therapy. And then people end up not speaking to each other for 2 to 3 days or longer. And that's, that's the worst thing that you want to have happen in your partnership. So inside Be Connected, people are getting that 24/7 support where they're asking the questions of, we've just had this fight about my mother-in-law. Here's what I said. How do we move forward?

Yeah. So inside Be Connected, we built Dr. Tracy AI, which is trained on all your research work. Clinical work. So it gives the members an opportunity to kind of ask questions in real time and get really strong answers from you in air quotes. It's not the generic kind of ChatGPT, your mother is a narcissist, you shouldn't talk to her, kind of the generic stuff.

And when it goes, you're absolutely right to think that your mother-in-law is a narcissist.

It's so self-free and like so reflective, the mirror on some of these things. It's a little bit different, let me say. But what's interesting is it's not therapy. It's not therapy, but people, people who are using it are using it a lot and it's right there and it's really helpful and it's, it's just giving members the language in the moment to use. So that's been, been really cool to see. And what's really cool too is we keep iterating, improving. So yeah, check it out. It's, it's inside Be Connected. The link will be in the show notes.

And also too, that also gives you the chance to come and join me in our next monthly coaching call, which I run once a month and I get to meet everybody who shows up and we do those face-to-face, human-to-human. Yes, I take your question, I deep dive, I zoom in, I zoom out. You walk away with so much on that. So we've got the links in the show notes, but let's do number 4 here. So number 4 is the leverage and dependency.

This is what we talked about earlier.

Oh, we talked about this one. So this is my mom, the free childcare she is providing. It definitely makes it hard to disagree. Oh, that one is so tough because it's like, why don't want to upset her? Because is she going to take away the childcare? Someone else said, I always want to be there because people aren't for me. And then the other one, don't want it to come between me and those closest to me. And then I set boundaries and now my husband has said— and this one is just so painful— I set boundaries and now my husband has said he doesn't love me and I'm a burden.

And that's not boundaries, that's, that's something different.

That, that is, that is boundaries bumping up against with safety and that is more than just a boundary conversation that happened there, that you were not wrong to have a boundary in your partnership. But oof, this one is so complex, and I see people really struggling with the power differential, with dependency, with the fear of those consequences, the fear of if I upset you about what I want and need.

Yeah, this is what I was talking about earlier. This is the This is the theory versus reality just bumping up against each other.

Yeah.

I bet in theory, in theory, a lot of these folks want to have healthier boundaries so they can be in better relationships, but there's just a cold hard reality that's kicking them in the, in the shin sometimes that makes it really hard.

Yeah.

And I have a lot of empathy for those people.

Yeah, absolutely.

Because realistically, those people are probably the people who are not working from home. They maybe are in healthcare, maybe they're out there helping the world, they need the support the most, right? So they're making these trade-offs and choices that some others might not have to.

Absolutely.

Okay, I'll come off my soapbox.

I love your soapbox. Thank you.

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Go to your happy price. Priceline. Let's talk now about why the holidays make this 10 times harder. We're coming up on another holiday cycle, which is always why I love talking about boundaries at this time. So the first challenge that really shows up is proximity, time, and history. So what happens around the holiday table is that you or your partner, and amongst all your family, you have the most complicated history with them. You know, I think about siblings. You have this dynamic between the two of you, and you also didn't experience the same family growing up. That makes conflict possible. There's one dinner table, there's these old roles that you all show up in, there's old wounds that someone hasn't talked about, and so there's no exit around that.

You go into your parents' house and you kind of revert back to the 16-year-old boy or girl.

Totally, right?

Yeah, old rules.

Yeah, I think of how that angry teenager shows up And suddenly she's like back snapping at her mom, like, Mom, don't ask me that. Totally shows up. Okay, another reason why holidays make this so difficult is the obligation economy, the free childcare, the travel costs that are paid, the gifts someone gave you, this tradition.

Such a through line through all this, eh?

Oh, the tradition. And, and then when Mom says, we've always met together on this day, so why would you do it any differently? Family. And that is really tough, especially because what we're seeing more now is that families aren't acting on obligation. They're choosing what they value. And just because you don't show up to that holiday table because that's what you've done for the last 30 years, it doesn't mean you are rejecting or abandoning your family. And I think this is so relevant for people around traveling, limited time off, kids getting sick, a lot of families are stressed with young kids and they're wanting to stay home.

Yeah, we've talked about this before about the impact of like how geography plays into this too and how people are not necessarily living in the same proximity to their parents as our parents' generation did. And then you have kind of this friction of values versus tradition and obligation plus geography, and it just becomes a really, really tricky thing to navigate because our generation's doing it differently, but then we're kind of asking our boomer parents to think about it differently despite the fact they've done it the same way for 40 years. So there's all these kind of like mini conflicts that one's kind of having to navigate.

And our boomer parents or Gen X parents, they just adapted to Greg's era.

But I'm an edge case, man.

They just, did what their parents told them to do. And that is the difference, because— which leads into the third point of why holidays are so difficult is the expectations. These are just stacked against people that nobody talks about them. We don't sit down and talk about how we're having these different expectations and what you desire. And so then when you do choose to protect— or I don't even like that word because I think people can take that to an extreme.

Yeah.

To choose your family, you're, you know, the family you've chosen. When you choose that, to prioritize that, then other people feel like it's this blowing up of things rather than it's not either or, right?

It's a rejection. Not— they're just not able to see it for what it is on some level.

Anyways, so let's actually talk now about what boundaries actually are.

That's a good idea. So it's been a bit weaponized, has it not?

It absolutely has. And it ends up coming out more like a wall.

Yeah.

And then we see the extremes. Because if you are not— again, if you aren't respecting me, then I will. And for a lot of people right now, it goes to this place of frustration, helplessness, and rightfully so, because if you've never done this before and you don't understand what it is, then you go immediately to that place. And that's where we find the all-or-nothing situation with families. Yeah, particularly. And we leave and we cut out and we go to estrangement. And in some cases, yeah, after setting boundaries and repeatedly being hurt attacked, that's, that's needed. And in other cases it's not. And actually, I wanted to share this with you. I received a DM from somebody who really thanked me for my nuanced approach to how I talk about extended families. And they had said so much of the advice they read is about estrangement and cutting people out when boundaries are not respected. And for a lot of people, that's just not what they want to do. And also not possible if it's their in-laws because their partner wants to remain in contact with their own family.

Of course. Yeah. I think this is where men, dudes, kind of hear their wife coming out of their algorithm talking about boundaries and think it's a slippery slope to this estrangement or cutting off because that seems to be the thing. And it's so— I think even the word boundary has kind of just Frankly, it rubs me the wrong way in a way. I wish there was a different boundary. What's a fence? Because a fence you can still see through and walk to your neighbors, or it's an invisible line or something. Because it's kind of this— this is the thing with online, these pop psychology terms jump the shark and go—

Linguistic learning.

And go just like we've talked about gaslighting before, and they just get so The algorithm just runs with it. It just gets so taken to the extreme.

I'm going in my head. I'm, I'm getting intellectual with you. I'm so sorry. But it's really interesting though when you think about boundary because immediately what I think about is the boundary between Canada and the US and I'm crossing over and I have to show a passport and that is the requirement of me to, to enter into that country. I think of the living here in Ottawa. We are very unique as the province boundary is right above us to cross over to Quebec. It is a boundary. It's a marker of where one thing ends and the other begins, which really— and I remember in 2019, so when I first launched the podcast, episode 3 was with Dr. Soph, and she was one of the earliest people to talk about boundaries. And that is exactly what she had said. A boundary is a line where I end and you begin. But then I think it got like that.

Yeah, that's beautifully said, right? But go ask one of my buddies whose wife sent him a reel about boundaries. What do you think a fucking boundary is? It's not that.

But, well, now I'm going into the whole, like, this is tricky because women are all in the self-development space. We are all in the self-growth and self-improvement, and we have opportunities. We have book clubs. We're going to the coffee shop to meet and chat about that.

Podcast has gone off the rails.

Where's your opportunity to do that? Is it when you're eating your power bar in between the hill that you just went up on your dirt bike and you guys are like having a 5-minute chat? Where are the opportunities for men?

Yeah, I told you we did that at one of the stops.

Absolutely. I do love that. I'll also say, so this beautiful thing on my shoulder right here, I say in that book, what you once thought a boundary was, you thought I was asking you to cut off your family when I said you need to set boundaries.

Yeah.

And that's not at all what I was saying.

I know, don't talk about me though.

Oh, don't talk about us.

But anyways, we're getting off, off the line.

Okay, fine.

I think the point is that the term has gotten overused. And I think what you're trying to do delicately is bring it back to reality that a boundary is something you use. It's a tool so you can be in relationship, not the opposite.

Are you stealing my line? You just stole my line.

Am I? I don't know.

You did. I love that you stole it.

But it's true.

Absolutely. And that, that I think doesn't just happen between partners, but it's also within generations that we need to help people understand. And the thing too is when you're setting boundaries— so I want everybody— so let's just say this clearly right here, is that a boundary is an invitation. It says to the other person, this is how we stay in relationship in a way that works for both.

So maybe we should start calling them invitations. Boundary, dead. Invitation, on.

Well, first of all, when you are setting a boundary— when I think of all of the boundaries I have set with people in my life, I have never said, this is my boundary. I have never said I'm telling you what my boundary is.

Think of a birthday invitation, though.

We're both pointing fingers right now. It's making me laugh.

You get an invitation.

Okay.

It's not come over to my house whenever the fuck you want. It's you're coming over to the house Saturday from 2 to 4 for cake and dinner. It's specific. It's in relationship. It's a framework. It's an invitation. Boundaries are dead.

I, I think what happens though is when you— not you, but you in the general world— you call up your mom and you're like, hey Mom, listen, you know, this holiday we're super stressed. We know how important this holiday is. We love that you have this tradition. This year, this is what is going to work better for us, and you're welcome to come and join us if you want to make the leg here.

Yeah, that's an invitation.

An invitation. However, however, and this is I think where that generational knowledge gap is lagging, yeah, is they feel rejected. Yeah, it's personal. How could you not want to come to my Easter dinner? Why would you, right? And I think that is really where we're struggling. And I think then— oh, hang on, my brain is really skipping here. So I think then what we need to remember when we set boundaries is you have to add the reassurance piece. Yeah, you have to add the, you know, we've loved these dinners before, they were so special for us to have them, we can't wait to see you next. Yeah, you and I had another reel around boundary setting that really triggered people, and that was something that the skit did in it was give the reassurance. Yeah, but people really, um, but they're missing that.

That's my point.

Yeah, yeah. So boundaries are so hard because, hey, one, you were not taught how to do it. So most of our parents were not setting or naming boundaries. They were either accommodating or exploding. And that's why this is so difficult between generations right now. The people you need to set them with are the people you love most. I mean, listen, when that person doesn't hold the door for you and you're walking through the shopping center, you don't say, excuse me, that's my boundaries, right? But really, the boundaries exist there with people you love the most. So important. And that love and resentment have been tangled together in your family for decades. And I think this is so important, is that guilt, when it shows up when you're setting a boundary, it doesn't mean you did something wrong. I just really want listeners today to take that away. It means you're doing something different, and it means that you're changing a pattern.

That signal, that's That's really cool. I hope people land on that because that's something I wouldn't think about. Someone who is high guilt, I wouldn't think of it as a signal to do the thing. It's high guilt, high avoidance might be like go the other way. Interesting.

Yeah. It means you're doing something different and to remember that you will feel uncomfortable because change is supposed to feel uncomfortable.

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Greg, be honest. What's actually hard about all of this for you or for dudes in general?

Oh, I think I've kind of hit on it already, but the language around it, the perception that it's cutting people off. I just think the fact that I'm probably— for a lot of dudes, they're just like rolling their eyes like, oh, I don't want to do this, what's the point? You know, like, where's it gonna get me?

Your lifetime avoiding and creating space and distance. So of course you don't believe that you're gonna get anywhere by doing it.

Yeah, I, I think too, like what we just talked about, a lot of— I can imagine, I don't want to speak for everyone obviously, but I can imagine a lot of dudes not look— they're looking at this through an— as a negative, through a negative lens versus something This is that invitation to be, have a relationship, to have a better relationship with, you know, whoever the case would be, particularly as you cross generations and, and families.

Do you think that a lot of men struggle between their partner and their family?

Yeah, I do. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, this like, who do I please? How do I keep the peace?

Yeah. And that, that is where there's just such a generational divide happening across society right now. I think it's everywhere. It's, it's in family, it's in economics, it's in family formation. And I think this is just another layer of it. And it just, yeah, it's just, it's just tough. And people are making different choices. The access to information is so much different. You know, we're going to our parents and asking them to change things that have been done for generations. And we know change doesn't happen quickly. So I think there's just a lot of layers to it. Yeah.

I'm thinking also too, So let's say our parents, if they needed help with their car or their dirt bike, they might have grabbed a manual. I remember my dad just driving like he grabbed a big manual, learned all kinds of things about cars. My dad's a car guy and that's how he did it. But at the same time, he would have talked in community more. He would have gone to his dad saying, you know, when you were driving this, did this happen, etc., etc. There was more of that happening. And then I'm having two thoughts. One, that built the connection, but two, it also built tolerance.

Right.

Tolerance of, there goes my dad again on that rant. He's doing that thing again. But okay. Yeah. Oh, there's a nugget. I can take that nugget. Okay, cool.

Because it was slow.

I also— Information was slow.

Yeah. I also heard someone recently on a very thoughtful podcast talk about how we are no longer literate, not in the sense that we can't read, but we don't read. To learn. We are learning through audio, through short curated clips that hit the front of our brain.

Which, by the way, if you made it this far in the podcast, thank you for hanging out with me.

Yeah, right. Even this long form is, is kind of, you know, so we aren't reading because we can't tolerate it. We are— we can't wait, right? It's audio, which is a beautiful medium, obviously, but it's, you know, through quick short videos, through YouTube, through all the visual and audio, no longer through literature. And that kind of goes to your point, I think, because we don't have a tolerance.

That's interesting. You and I have talked a lot about the things I share online, and it's really interesting because I feel this like deep pressure to share these like great big deep moments in a minute or less to hold someone's attention. And I'm like doing all these things with a microphone and a mug and cutting peppers or something, because it is— it's— and it's this idea that we will learn something so quickly that we should have to take longer to do that. But yeah, I really appreciate that.

So that's— I don't know where I was kind of going with that, but that was the—

I had the burning question that I would love for you to answer.

Look at my body language.

I know you like those.

My arms are— for those listening, arms are crossed. It's cold.

Okay. If a man is listening and he is struggling with what so many men I know struggle with, which is How do I keep the peace with my wife and my mother? What would you say to that person? Because the holidays are right around the corner and we're in this situation again.

Yeah.

Where maybe he hasn't said anything yet. Maybe he hasn't brought up the holiday conversation yet. Maybe he's just hoping his wife will go along with it. Yeah.

Yeah. I, I, there's a, there's a couple things, right? It's, you know, really leaning into just really prioritizing your chosen family and then to just get uncomfortable. And I think also to remind yourself, it's just a moment. Your parents will have the reaction and they're entitled to it. I think the key thing around this is what you just alluded to, is when you do this, is to really lean into the positive. So it's kind of like when you give someone feedback at work or you're giving them a review, you don't go right to the negative stuff, right? It's the ratio of positive to negative or whatever the case would be. But you, you do lean into, we want to see you, we wanna do this. This year, though, it's going to look like X, Y, or Z. So it's keeping that in mind instead of just having to go, my wife doesn't want to come.

Please don't say that to your mother. That is the worst thing that you can do to your wife. I know. And actually, you know what, let me reframe that. That's the worst thing you can do for the entire family system, because then your parents believe your wife is the problem.

Yeah.

When this is a decision that you two need to make together. Yeah, and I know some men will say, well, I would be going to my mother's house if it weren't for my wife. Yes, but now you have a partner, and so now you have to consider your partner and kids' needs all together first before you can go there. I also want to add something because as you're talking, I had this thought. If our dudes are listening, I love that, and I need them to hear this. If you have only thought about this once, I can assure you that your wife has thought about this 100 times already. And that she is waiting for you to bring it up because that's your job and it's your family. All right, here's the cliffhanger. The cliffhanger is that I am going to tackle the actual how-to on the next From the Couch episode. So for those who are new to the space, I do my From the Couch conversations as very tangible, specific things that you are going to have a skill, a tool to walk away with.

So I'm short, 5-6 minutes kind of deal.

Absolutely. The thing that you can put on while you're getting dressed or in transition mode or doing a short little walk. I'm going to make that really clear for you so that you will have 4 specific things to help you set those boundaries. But before we wrap up here, there's a few things I just want to make sure people are aware of. And that is, one, if you need support, I've got the links in the show notes. And I don't know if people know that this is something that I do, but I do intensives with couples because I know that they get stuck. And this is sometimes for people who are in couples therapy and they're just not seeing the change that they're looking for, or it's a very specific issue that keeps showing up. So there is one spot that's left in the next few weeks— next few months, actually. Yeah, but I think of my schedule in quarters. I have that one spot. So if you are really stuck in something with in-laws or with your connection, communication, the cycles that you're getting stuck in, reach out to me. Let's talk about what that intensive could look like, because I know people have really benefited from them in the past.

Yeah, maybe describe what intensive is for a second.

Yeah, absolutely. So it is a, a 2-day experience. Where we are deep diving into the main issue. And the reason why I do that is because sometimes the dose of couples therapy or the self-help book, it's not enough.

Yeah, the dose effect.

It's the dose. And so then if we're like, we really, we dig in.

Yeah.

And we practice understanding, we practice communication, we get deeper into it. We practice the things of how you're actually going to move forward.

Is it fair to say that couples therapy spaced out over time, like, it just loses its effectiveness a little bit? Like, you're almost having to restart every time you go back. So this is kind of an antidote to that, where it's, it's very prescriptive. It's very intense because it's intensive, but it's like, okay, invest the time, make the shift, get over this. Yeah. And it can be done in person.

Yes.

And you're willing to travel?

Yes. So I do travel to people. So this is the piece here where I recognize that your life is so busy. So couples who come to see me, I say this all the time to them, but if you're wanting to make real changes, I need to see you every week. Because you come to me, we hang out for 50, 55 minutes, you leave, and you are immediately back in that cycle.

Yeah.

And then for many people, because your work, kids, finances, time, all of that in there stops you from then doing the more significant work. Anyways, so I wanted, I wanted to make sure people knew that. I've talked about it before here on the podcast, but I know, yeah, I just want to make sure people have that resource. So before we close, I want to ask you, as you're listening today, to sit with something this week. So it's not to do anything just yet, but I want you to just notice. So where in your life are you staying quiet to keep somebody else comfortable?

Boom.

And what is that silence costing you?

That's a thought-provoking question. Yeah, because it's not saying who do you need to set a boundary with. It's kind of like inviting some reflection and thinking about what the kind of opportunity cost of that non-action is.

That's it. That's our conversation today.

Go set an invitation.

I love the invitation. All right, thank you for hanging out with us. Thank you for clicking play. If anything resonated for you today, one of the best things you can do is share this conversation with someone you love. It is the best way to have people join us here on the podcast. I have to remind you at the end of every episode that this conversation is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider. See you next time.