The Relationship Reset You Can Actually Keep Up With
29 Jan 2026 · 26 min
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish walks through five daily practices to strengthen couple connection: morning rituals, not personalizing partner behavior, increasing eye contact, playfulness, and accountability. These are concrete habits you can start today to reset how you and your partner relate.
Chapters
This podcast episode is sponsored by Quince Bedding. A new year always gets me thinking about small upgrades that make a big difference. And one of those for me has been my bedding. We've had a Quince quilt on our bed for a while now, and I mean it has truly stood the test of time because our dog Lachlan just loves to lay on it. It's beautifully made, still looks incredible, and honestly set the bar for what I expect from bedding. So when I finally added Quint's linen sheets, the the transformation was immediate. They're soft, breathable and effortlessly elevated. Woven from 100% European flax, they have that relaxed, live and feel, but without sacrificing quality. And the best part? They somehow get better after every wash. Waking up feels like a treat, and my bedroom finally feels as put together as I always wanted it to feel because our bedroom is one of our most important places so that we can get good sleep and feel rested and cared for. That same care for their sheets goes into everything Quince makes for the bed duvets, quilts, pillows and jams. Crafted from premium fabrics like organic cotton, breezy bamboo, and even smooth, luxurious silk, it's cozy, stylish, and built to last. I genuinely thought my old sheets were fine until I tried Quinn's. The difference is unreal. They're so soft and comfortable that my morning alarm has become more of a suggestion than a rule. And here's what I love Quince offers this level of quality at about half the cost of similar brands. And here's what I really love. Quince offers this level of quality at about half the cost of similar brands. They work directly with top artisans, cut out the middle person and pass those savings onto us. Plus, they only partner with factories that follow safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices. This year, treat yourself to betting that's built to last with quints. Go to quince.com/tracy for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. And Quince is now available in Canada. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Tracy free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Tracy this podcast episode is sponsored by Armoire. There's something I've been thinking a lot about lately. How often we move through different seasons of life. Some seasons call for structure, some some for flexibility, and others for showing up polished and visible, like when I'm promoting a book, speaking or traveling. And here's the thing. I don't need more clothes. I need the right clothes for the season I'm in without committing to pieces I won't wear forever. That's why Armoire works so well for me. Armoire is a clothing rental membership that gives you variety without clutter and style without decision fatigue. You take a five minute style quiz and they build a personalized closet just for you, filled with high quality, unique brands that actually match your lifestyle. Right now. You choose what you want, it arrives at your door in as little as two days and when your season changes, you swap it out. I love that I can have elevated pieces when I need them without stuffing my closet or feeling guilty about clothes only worn once. It's better for my space, my time, and honestly, my brain. I make fewer decisions, there's less mess, and there's more ease. It's also incredibly helpful when your body.
Or life is changing.
If you're between sizes, navigating pregnancy, or just don't want to invest in clothes that may not fit the same six months from now. Now, Armoire lets you adapt without pressure and I appreciate that. Armoire is women founded and women led, spotlighting women owned designers. It feels good to support a company that understands how dynamic women's lives actually are. This is about having variety for the season you're in, not owning more things. Right now, my listeners can give Armoire a try and get up to 60% off their first month. That's up to 150 off. Just visit Armoire Style Slash Tracy. That's Armoire Style A R M O I R E Style Tracy to get up to 60% off your first month and never worry about what to wear again, try Armoire today.
We're leaving today and entering a world of Mickey Mouse waving. Princess Meeting and Greetings Lightsaber Clashing the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror Dropping Banshee Flying Space Mountain Launching Galaxy Rewinding what is the whole network? Galaxy Rewinding Fireworks Igniting World of Other Worlds for whatever you love, infinite worlds await at the most magical place on Earth. Walt Disney World Resort.
Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy, clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries in laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together, we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee Settle in and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel Good. Hey, it's Dr. Tracy. And today we're going to talk about five things that you can do in your relationship every single day to change how you're feeling this year. Now, I recognize that by the time this episode comes out, we are already closer to the end of January. And I intentionally saved this episode for this time for a few reasons. First, I don't know about you, but my nervous system is not ready to tackle the new year ahead come January 1st. I'm at home with the kids. I'm just coming off of the holidays. I don't have time or space to tackle into that. So I recognize that for most of us, we might not be ready to enter into that conversation.
So that was one of the reasons.
Why I saved this episode for this time. And the other thing too is let's have the dust settle a little bit. Let's sink into this year and to see how are we feeling? What's working for us now that we've gotten through the shortest days without sunlight? Now what is it that we need to do? And so I'm going to encourage you before we jump into today's conversation just to do a little bit of a check in with yourself. How are you feeling now that we are this many days forward in 2026? How are things working for you? What's not working for you and the thing that you had hoped for this year? How's that going? Are you on track? Do you feel a little derailed? Do you just need a little check in? Let's use this moment to do that now. And now let's talk about five things that you can start doing in your relationship today to start feeling closer. Before we jump into today's conversation, I wanna let you know that my annual relationship check in is still available for you to download. So I'm going to put that into the show notes here below. So go ahead and check that out. It's one of my favorite resources. I love printing this one out and going through it with Greg. Now, I will tell you, we have not gone through it yet. We have had colds and sickness back to back and we just haven't had that time. But it's still on our to do list. And so I just, I share that because I don't want you to be navigating this time of year feeling like you haven't done the thing. What's the point? I'm Too late. None of that is true. And instead this is our chance for us to move through this time of year with more intentionality, with this constant resilience and flexing and being able to ask ourselves, how am I doing today? What do I need more of now?
And I'm also going to link one.
Of my favorite episodes with Dr. Megan Gallagher. We spent an entire conversation talking about that whole new year, new me kind of thing. And I just love Dr. Gallagher's perspective. She's actually one of the psychologists that works with me at my mental health clinic here in Ottawa at Integrated Wellness and she just has so much to share. Plus she's a dear friend of mine and she's also taught me so much about intuitive eating and shifting into more body neutrality work. And I just think that she has so much to say. So I'm going to put that into the show notes. But now I want us to talk about those five things. So this is not about having this overhaul in your relationship. This is about you building more connection, you building safety. And it's recognizing that we all live busy lives. And so if there's one from today that you could start doing, choose one and write it down somewhere and then try to practice it for the next week coming forward. Don't try to do all five if.
Life feels too busy right now, but.
I think you'll be able to integrate many into your routine. And if as you're listening you are looking for a bigger dose, then come join me in the More Than Roommates challenge. We are starting soon. This is my 10 day challenge. It has become one of my favorite things to offer for people. So this is where we once a day you receive an email and you can do one of three things or you can do all three things. And I've created this challenge to meet you where you're at because people who sign up, some people have been feeling like roommates for 10 plus years. Some people haven't touched each other in two years. Some people are just feeling like the spark has faded and they're trying to get back together to feel more connection and play and excitement together. So if you after today's conversation, you're looking for more, join me in that challenge, one of my favorite ones. It's super cost effective and so many people who come in tell me that they end up feeling closer within the first three days after they've just started to make some of these tune ups of turning towards each other and the exercises. Here's the thing, you know what I'm going To tell you you can go and kiss your partner for six seconds, and that releases oxytocin. I'm not going to tell you to do that in the challenge. Instead, I want you to get to the end of the challenge actually feeling like you want to kiss your partner. And that's the motivation for my More Than Roommates challenge. So I've got the link in the show notes for you. Go check it out, and I can't wait to see you there. It's one of my favorite things that we do together. Okay, Number one, the first thing I want you to look at in terms of what you can put in your relationship this year is your morning ritual. This is all about you starting the day off with connection. I recognize that for many people, you actually might not wake up at the same time or you might be woken up with children. So I want to just put that caveat in there and to find a way that works for you.
So this is where you and your.
Partner do not look at distractions. No emails, no phones, no social media. You do not need to do that stuff the first moment you wake up, because here's what happens when you immediately go online. When you first wake up, you are then filling your brain with the thoughts and the news and the experiences of everybody outside of yourself. And I think this is especially true for a lot of the couples that I'm working with who are navigating the challenging in law situation is that it is so easy to feel like everybody else is in their marriage and that their relationships are not solid and strong. And so instead, I say to people, you get your nervous systems together and calm and regulated, just the two of you. And that is such a powerful way to start your day.
Now, depending on who you are, you.
Might choose to do an exercise that brings you closer in terms of physical. So something physical that you might choose to do would be breath work. Can you do a meditation together? Can you breathe together? Can you take 20 seconds just to close your eyes, put your hands together and take three slow breaths? That would be in for six through your nose and out for six through your nose. Nice, slow, even breath. For some people, it might be something a little more active in terms of maybe you decide to work out together or do yoga or gentle stretching on the floor. Maybe you even decide to pour your coffee together. Choose something that's going to give you that sense of togetherness. One of the things that Greg and I started doing in October was we bought a candle. Not really a candle person. The smells can sometimes bother me and give me headaches all day long. So we found one that had this really neutral smell. And so we've been lighting it in the morning. And with the mornings being darker, it's been a really nice ritual for us to have this light, this glowing light in the living room and no phones, no distractions. We were getting into the habit of starting our workday as soon as we woke up. We were viewing it as we have to maximize our day. But of course the cost of that is we actually end up being less effective throughout and our connection ends up suffering. So last fall we bought this candle and now we spend the first 30 minutes. It's a luxury. I recognize that it's a luxury. And our kids do sleep in till after seven, so we're able to get up early. We're early risers. But it's just been this one thing that has allowed us to be together. And you don't necessarily have to do a deep conversation, but something that we ask each other is how is your heart and mind today? And that's a prompt for us to go inside and to share something with what we've been thinking about, where we're at, what's coming up in the day. So go to your partner today and express that you would like to do something as a way to connect with.
Them in the morning.
Now I'm thinking about people who do shift work who aren't actually seeing each other in the morning. Maybe it's even leaving a sticky note with their cup of coffee and that could change the whole day for you.
This podcast episode is sponsored by HelloFresh.
At the start of a new year, I ask myself this one simple question.
What do I want to feel more.
Of in my home?
And the answer? Everything. Time is more connected. More time together, more ease. Less getting lost in the daily scramble. Especially around dinner time. Because here's the truth. Home cooking can be one of the most grounding, connecting parts of family life or one of the biggest sources of stress on a busy weeknight. And that's why I use HelloFresh and I know you will love this one too. What I love is the joy it brings back to cooking. The meals are simple, rewarding and genuinely bring us together around the table. Even on nights when energy is low. They have over a hundred mouth watering recipes recipes each week.
They have seasonal favorites to global dishes.
And there's always something everyone can get excited about. In our house, we keep coming back.
To their meatloaf recipe and the portions.
Are generous so no one leaves the table hungry. It also makes it easier to eat well without overthinking it. HelloFresh offers more than 35 high protein recipes every week including Mediterranean and GLP1 friendly options. And the ingredients matter to me. Things like sustainably sourced seafood and 100 antibiotic and hormone free chicken. And they don't skip out on flavor.
I'm constantly saying to bag that the ingredients coming together always taste so good and are things that I would not think of. And it all comes together in one.
Bag so I'm never missing an ingredient. So if part of your intention this year is to stay connected to your family without getting swallowed by the meal struggle so many of us have, HelloFresh is such a supportive place to start. Go to HelloFresh.com Tracy10FM to get 10 free meals plus a free Zwilling knife. That's a 145 value on your third box. That's HelloFresh.com Tracy10FM offer Val while supplies last, free meals are applied as a discount on your first box. New subscribers only. Varies by plan. Less stress, better food, more connection at the table.
Okay, number two, don't take everything personal. Here's the reality about our brains. Our brains are built to internalize things in developmentally, this is what you did as a kid that you experience the world as coming at you. And naturally what children do is we blame. We, we go outwards, we blame others, we put things on other people. We don't have this kind of sense of agency within ourselves. I often think of this example with one of my kiddos who had said, you tripped me. And I remember I wasn't even standing near them. And it was just this really powerful reminder of how egocentric our brains are when we're younger. And if we don't learn the skill of internalization versus externalization, we can often then get stuck in taking everything to mean something about us. So if your partner is, is in a little bit of a mood or if they say that their day was fine, if they left and didn't give you a kiss, or if they said, hey, I don't need your help right now. Just something we all have those moments and it can come into us. It's almost like a vacuum and it's like, oh, okay, there it is. That's this moment that it hits something inside of us and we go into this place of are they mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Why are they so. And that can just lead us into a whole negative spiral. When I'm working with people in therapy, our Goal is to actually practice doing internalization and externalization. And sometimes we can get stuck in one or the other. Internalization often leads us to feel a lot of self doubt and a lot of shame. When we get stuck in externalization, that's a lot of blame and not having agency and putting things on other people and even feeling like the world is happening to us, us. And a balanced approach in life is being able to say some of this is me contributing to it and the other part is this person doing X, y, Z and how do we do both? Or even externalization might be like the other person is having a hard day. That's where the most generous interpretation can come into play. That's where we can say something like, hey, I can appreciate that they're a little bit short this morning because last night they told me they had this really big meeting coming up.
Up.
So when it comes to partnerships, often what we get stuck in is taking everything that's done as to mean something about us. And it builds our stories, the stories inside of us that can be really quick. These are your perceptions and assumptions. If you haven't yet, be sure to go check out my 10 questions to help you challenge those stories. I give you 10 questions that are going to walk you through just to reshift and get out of the negative assumptions that we, we so often make about our partners. I've got the link in the show notes there. Go and check that one out. I love those questions because hey, we all get stuck in our stories. But those stories can often sound like they don't care about me or they're too busy, they don't have time for me, they're always upset with me. And one of the most powerful things we can do is to slow down the moment. I'm sure you have heard me say this over and over again and I know you hear it from all kinds of other resources and self help people and. But here's the reality. When you can slow things down. This is Viktor Frankl's quote, that between a stimulus and a response, there is always space. And in that space you get to choose. And being able to choose in there is something that's really important. We shift out of being reactive, right? And then we can shift more into responding. And responding can give you more time.
And space to decide.
Huh? You know, Greg closed the kitchen cabinet a little bit harder. Like, is he upset with me? I'm not gonna say, hey, are you mad at me right away? I'm gonna give myself time and space to let that Marinate and say, okay, what's actually happening here? What's going on? Is this something that I need to check out? Can I think of something that was happening in his space? Sometimes cabinets close loudly, and he didn't mean it. Sometimes I'm more overstimulated by the noises around us. And so just that bit of a beat before doing anything else is really important to help you not to personalize everything. So, number two, every single day, practice not personalizing the things your partner does. And I would argue that this applies to lots of different areas in your life. Number three, what you can be trying this year every single day to do differently in your relationship, to feel closer to your partner. Eye contact. All right, hear me out on this one, because whenever I assign this to the couples in my therapy room, and we actually do it as an exercise in my therapy room, it can produce a few giggles and awkward feelings and resistance. And I totally get it, but hear me out. So we are living in a very fast world, and the moment your brain thinks of something, you can pick up this powerful device in your hand and have the instant answer right there. And then you're drawn into your phone. Your partner walks into room and share something with you, and you go, huh?
Huh?
And then you're like, oh, well, that was harsh. Or, well, what's wrong with them? Or, I don't even know what they said. And all the things, okay, or you're doing the dishes or you're walking out of the room because one kid asked for his help with brushing hair and brushing teeth. And then your other partner is, like, saying something down the hall, and you shout back, and all the things you are missing each other in the everyday moment of connection. So number three, increase your eye contact. Oh, I think this is so important. So here's what I want you to know about eye contact. Research shows that in classic experiments, about two minutes of uninterrupted mutual eye contact with another person can increase your feelings of affection and connection, even with strangers. So that's really interesting because this is our brains wanting to connect with others. Now here is the exercise that can help you feel more bonded with your partner. So the first thing I'd want you to try is putting down your phones as soon as the other person walks into the room and looking at them or. And Greg and I have gotten into this really tricky habit where we're actually talking to each other through the house. We've gotten better at saying to each other, I'm not listening because I can't hear you. Or I can't hear you, please come to me, talk to me. Because we just weren't hearing each other and it was just this kind of side by side rushed and then frustrations because we're not fully listening. It's not great. So we have now been coming together, eye contact and then talking to each other and really hearing and looking at each other. And also too, we're in business together. So sometimes I'm doing something on my computer and he's saying, are you fully listening? Yeah.
Right.
It's so. It's tricky. So if I'm like this and you're talking to me, I'm looking at my computer. For those listening, if I'm looking at my computer and then you're talking to me, I'm not making eye contact, but instead I can pay attention slightly. I'm not giving you my full attention. And then also too, my brain's filtering things that you might not even want me to be paying attention to. And so we just lose so much information doing this. So here's what I want you to do. Every time your partner walks into the room, put your phone down, close your computer, check in with them, notice them. That's something you can do every single day. But the other thing with eye contact is try this exercise tonight and then come back and tell me how it goes. Sit on the couch with your partner, no phones, no distractions, and say, I want to try this exercise with you. And say, it's going to be awkward. Comes from Dr. Tracy. She's a couples therapist. She's worked with all these couples. And I just want us to try it so you and I face each other. We're going to sit on the couch, we'll cross our legs or however feels comfortable. If you want, you can hold hands. You don't have to, but hold hands. If you want to bring it up a level. Put your foreheads together and then you're making eye contact. You don't have to do that one. Try something different. Try to get uncomfortable. And then put your focus together and I want you to look at each other for 60 seconds. You might giggle a little because that's your nervous system saying, oh, this feels a little uncomfortable. But keep looking at each other, keep gazing at each other and see if you can actually even sync your breath together. Now, if I think about one minute, it's about six slow breaths. In for six, out for six. It's probably a little bit longer. That's okay. So do that and then ask each other after, how did that feel? Because in those 60 seconds you could be releasing oxytocin for each other. You might even be giggling a little bit. But that hormone in your body is actually the bonding hormone which brings you to feel closer to your partner. It's the chemical that's released when you are having an orgasm, when you hug for 30 seconds, when you kiss for six seconds. That is the good stuff. Stuff. So number three, increasing your eye contact with your partner.
This podcast episode is sponsored by GoPure. You know how there are certain products you try once and then you keep reaching for them without even thinking about it. This has been my experience with Gopure.
And I'll be honest, I spend a lot of time caring for my face.
I have a specific order of serums, moisturizers, and don't forget your spf. And for a long time my neck was kind of an afterthought lot.
Here's the thing.
I'm not trying to erase my age.
I'm proud of it.
But I do want my skin to.
Feel cared for, hydrated and healthy.
Especially my neck, which can get dry.
So easily in this winter season.
That's why I've been genuinely obsessed with Gopure's Tighten and Lift Neck cream.
The first time I used it, I was honestly surprised by how soft and.
Hydrated my skin felt after just one application.
I kept touching my neck and the.
Best part, it wasn't sticky. No residue. It smooths right in and actually feels good to wear. The reason this cream works so well is because the skin on your neck is different from the skin on your face. It's actually thinner, more delicate and needs specialized care. GoPure developed this formula with clinically proven active ingredients designed to visibly firm, smooth and support the skin on your neck and chest with results you can see in as little as four to eight weeks. I've actually been using this product for.
Over a year and I love that.
Gopier aligns with my values.
All of their products are cruelty free, paraben free and sulfate free.
So you're giving your skin clean, effective care without harsh chemicals.
And I also love that it is affordable.
Gopure also has a full line of science backed skin care and body care from targeted body creams to deeply hydrating moisturizers. And they have over a hundred thousand real women with real results. With over 1 million jars sold, this beauty secret is no longer a secret. For a limited time our listeners get 25% off with code. Just head to GoPure beauty.com Tracy be sure to enter my code. Tracy at checkout to save 25 off. And after you buy, do me a favor. When they ask where you heard about Gopier, tell them it was from our show. This is something I actually use, and I think you'll like it too.
All right, number four. This one is such an interesting one because I think we lose it in so many different ways, especially with the busyness of life, Life every day. Can you find a way to play with your partner? All right, hang tight with me. You're probably thinking, play like we're getting at the Legos. If you want to get the Legos, get out the Legos. If you want to get out, play doh. Or paints or colors, something. But playfulness doesn't just have to be something reserved for kids. It's actually something we need lifelong. And it goes hand in hand with safety, emotional safety, specifically because we know that when kids. Kids play, they feel safe in their environment. That's really interesting. And also too then, if I allow myself to play and be silly in front of my partner, that's part of emotional safety. So we're all building this all together. Play doesn't have to be a tickling session on the couch and giggling and laughter. It could be something like, put on that really silly song. That song that, like, just breaks you out into a dance. Oh, what did I put on the other? I put on Starship the other day, and I started really dancing and laughing with Greg in the kitchen. And my daughter was around, so she saw me do it too. And it's just one of those songs where, like, you have to belt out, you're pretending you're holding the microphone. Or maybe it's like that 90s playlist that you have, whatever that is. Play with your bodies. Play with music and sounds, with words, with your hands. This is all about laughter and curiosity. And before I jumped on to record this, I heard someone say, ah, this is so powerful. I heard them say, curiosity and anger can't exist at the same time. Curiosity and anger cannot exist at the same time. Think about that for a moment. If I go to my partner with exploration and curiosity and play, that's not inviting anger, frustration, and resentment to show up. It's inviting connection and understanding. And that's what we want more of in our relationship. Some other common ideas that show up for people include playing board games together. Maybe your partner's a gamer. Have you ever sat beside them and learned that game? Do that this time. Or maybe it's about doing a yoga session together where they have to do it beside you or there's some kind of mixing of bodies. Find some way to bring in laughter. One of the other ways we brought in play recently into our family was around having a joke of the day calendar. So each day someone would read a different joke of the day and it just brought in this kind of silliness at the the dinner table with the whole family. And it was something that really just brought us together. All right, so ask yourself today, how can I play with my partner? And I would also love to hear from you. Of the five that I'm giving you, is this one one of the hardest? Or maybe number five will be the hardest. So I really do want to hear from you which one is going to be the hardest. So here's number five this year, let's take more accountability and repair. So this one is really interesting. It's such a deep, complex part of our relationships because truly so many people did not learn what it means to take accountability. People don't see parents repairing. People struggle to actually separate self and other in their relationship. So their partner comes to you and says, I feel so lonely. And the only the other person just hears that they're doing things wrong and they're failing and they're inadequate. It and then they get defensive and blame and shut down and away you go. And that's the negative cycle. The negative cycle is exactly what I teach you inside Be Connected, which is my relationship program. It is something that's been going on. I've started this program in January 2020. It has been amazing to see the reach outside of my therapy room so that people are learning the skills and tools I'm teaching them every single day. We have other things in the program like coaching calls. We have Dr. Tracy AI where if you are in that moment where you're triggered, you just had a fight and you don't know what to do next. You come into my AI that's trained specifically on all of my work and that will help you get out of that stuck point. But the piece here is that you have to understand what your negative cycle is in order to be able to problem solve. It's such a foundational piece that I find a lot of relationship teachings miss because if you don't know how to get out of the cycle and the specificities of it, it you're going to remain stuck. And then you can't get to the level of repair and accountability that you need to be able to get to. So here is a little snapshot of what's been happening with Greg And I, as we've unfolded in our own cycle, because, yes, we are human and get stuck sometimes. So what I've noticed is that I'll come to him, and this is a business example. I'll come to him, and I'm really excited about this business idea. And I've talked about it five times in my head. I feel like I've talked about it 5,000 times sometimes. And then he says, whoa, you're going too fast. You just run off and you don't slow down. And it was really interesting because I thought, oh, okay, so I'm at fault here for how I'm coming forward. But then the next thought I had was, but I didn't know what you wanted or needed. I didn't know that your perception of me or your experience even, was that you were flooded or going too fast. And I really needed to understand that part. And so something that we had to work through was really this kind of accountability piece. Me taking accountability for. Yeah, you know what I do? I do show up really fast. My brain goes a mile a minute sometimes. And I can only imagine being in business with me and how overwhelming that must be. I had to sink into that accountability. And then at the same time, Greg had to sink into that accountability piece of how instead of him talking about his own needs, in that moment, he was projecting outward and putting it out on me. So it was about me and needing to change. So that was a really interesting piece for us because once we were able to identify this piece that we each owned, then we were able to start doing more of this repair work. And the repair work was, okay, next time. How do I move forward next time? And if there's one thing that I have learned to really shift in our relationship, if you had met me 10, 15 years ago, I struggled with blame. I'm a really good blamer. And I remember this one really vivid moment where Greg was at work, and I was trying to get the two kids in the car. I think I got them in the car. I was taking the Strider bike for my oldest, so I think he was 2. My other was still newborn season. So I'm trying to get the Strider bike in the trunk, and the grocery bin was left in the trunk. It's a place that we often left it. There was something else in there. I can't remember. But the story in my head immediately was, does Greg always leaves things in the trunk? I always have to do all of this. Everything is so hard. My frustration would immediately go to blaming him. And I Had to. I had to totally peel that back and really learn to repair quicker with him. So that's a story where he wasn't present. I might have text him of like, you're always leaving stuff in the trunk. How frustrating. But I think here it's this moment where instead of being this person who is stuck in blame and pointing out words I learned instead, first, I'm not going to be perfect in relationships, and I don't expect my clients to master and perfect this either. So please don't expect that of yourself. And at the same time, if I can learn to repair and own my stuff earlier, we are all moving forward in a better rate. I often come to these scenarios working with clients or seeing comments online. And a lot of people get into this stuck point of but why do I have to be the one? And I know when it comes to taking accountability and repair, people will often say like, why do I have to be the one to acknowledge this? And I think something in our relationship dynamic, whether you're the more defensive person or the one who tends to blame more, we both can own what's happening in there. And that even though I wasn't the defensive person, I'm using quote on my fingers. But even though I wasn't the defensive one or the one who, whatever the thing is. Right, Right. I still had a role in our negative cycle. And once I learned how to repair it, also invited space then for Greg to meet me in that moment. And that's why I share that recent story where the work example where I had said all these things really quickly he pointed the fingers at me. I think there's just this element where when we can slow the moment down and we can become more aware of ourselves and aware of how we show up at the dynamic, that is a really powerful place and starting point for us to actually create change. All right, let's go through those five one more time. And as you're listening, I want you to think, what is one thing that I could do tonight? Or as this episode wraps up, what is one thing that you could do? So, number one, create a morning ritual with your partner that prioritizes connection. At the start of your day, if you can't see each other or if the kids are awake already, write a note, leave a note on their bedside table, underneath their coffee cup, or written on the bathroom mirror, maybe you do it the night before, something that reminds you of your connection. Number two, don't take it all personally. It's not always about you. In fact, most times I would say it is not about you. And that's a powerful relational skill to remember you are two different people. You have your own, own experiences and your partner has to communicate their needs to you to let you know where they're at. So don't take it personally. Number three, eye contact when speaking. This is a game changer. This is going to help you feel more connected and to be on the same team and just to have better understanding. And I want to add to that because I've noticed that something that Greg and I have been doing a bit more of in our conversation is when one person shares something the other one will say. Tell me more about this. That just as this invitation of I'm listening. Tell me more. Number four, play. I really do wonder if this one will be the hardest for people. So let me know what you think. But bring in play and laughter and pleasure. We need that even in just the small little ways. Send that playful text, send the playful photo of that time when you did something silly or just, just put on the playlist or play the card game. Some way to bring back connection. And then number five is all about accountability and repair. And before I forget to tell you, I have a full after the Fight workshop that's inside my relationship program. That is where I teach you my four A's to help you feel closer and move through those difficult conversations. Cause here's what I know. It's challenging. Repair is hard and we weren't taught it. So if you're looking for more support on that, be sure to check out be connected. My after the Fight workshop that is tucked away inside that. It's such a good one. I really love that one. All right, let me know what you think about today. Write down those five things. Put them somewhere where you'll be able to see them and be reminded of them. We don't go for perfect here. We go for small, frequent changes. Trying something different each day. Slowing things down. Asking yourself, where am I in this moment? What do I need in this moment right now? That's one of my favorite questions to ask myself and then to also honor it by listening to myself in that moment. If something resonated from today, please leave me some stars, leave some reviews, or click subscribe and share this with someone who you love. Alright, thanks for hanging out with me today. And remember, you are right where you need to be. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this is for educational purposes only and does not substitute the care from a licensed mental health care provider. See you next time.










