The Relief You Are Not Supposed to Feel

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So what I love about Dr. Tracy AI is that instead of going to some random AI chatbot, this is trained specifically on my work to meet you in those moments when you need it most. I imagine it almost like you're in this fight with your partner. You just got triggered. You go into your room and you open up our app and you ask Dr. Tracy what do I do next? That's what I love so much about it. It meets you on demand, where you're at or if you're looking for more, go ahead and check out my coaching sessions. We can deep dive, make some changes. I'm here to support you so I can't wait to work with you. All right. And before I go forward I absolutely love what this person submitted saying. I have really been enjoying your podcast, especially the one of your recent episodes around Sisters in Law. It really helped me. Regarding triangulation, I absolutely love hearing your reviews. It means so much to me and it's also something that helps the podcast. So if can encourage you if you clicked play here today, if there's been an episode that you have listened to recently that resonated with you, please go ahead, subscribe to the podcast and leave me a few words. Those reviews are actually what's helping us continue the podcast and it helps more people find the episodes. All right, here we go. Hi Dr. Tracy, I'm feeling honestly a massive load of guilt recently because my husband and I chose to not have a relationship with his sister and her family. She has a husband and kids. My husband and I have been together for over 10 years and married for four. The past four years have been extremely strenuous and difficult on our relationship because of my sister in law and at times my mother in law. I want to just pause right there because there's such a very real experience that couples struggle together because of outside family things that are happening. And one of the most important things that I say to couples is we want you to be solid. We want you to be the solid team. That's where my book is written from is this place of using the Vault method to help you essentially build this system so that you are on the same page so that you don't have to feel separated or like your in law is in bed with both of you. Because when you two have a strong marriage, a strong relationship, then you're going to be able to weather the storm that's come around you. So reading through this question, I can tell that you two have really had to work through some of these hard things. And gosh, I wish more couples would would be open about this, talking to each other in situations and saying hey, yeah, actually we've had this situation with family so we could normalize this conversation and not feel so alone in it. So you say. Basically started the moment we got engaged. My sister in law tried to stop my husband from marrying me prior to our engagement. I actually thought we were friends. She made fun of my struggle with depression and attacked me countless times. So this has started right from the beginning. We took space for several months because I became severely depressed and lost a ton of weight and my husband was trying to protect me. She never missed an opportunity to say how I destroyed the family and my mother in law would back her up when I read this. What I immediately thought is that you didn't destroy a family. And hear me out on this. There are very few people that I work with who have actively tried. I mean, I can't even think of one that has said, I am destroying this family. No. What often is happening is daughters in law, you and your husband are trying to create your own family system. And when someone says, you've destroyed our family, what I actually hear, and I think this reframe is so important, is that you two came together and the system that they were all living in, that worked for them, changed. There was something secondary. It's a secondary gain that sister in law had by her brother not having a partner. And that's a really interesting switch when you start thinking about it. It's not that you change the family system. I mean, maybe, I don't know, I don't have the details, but it's that he actually became different and was no longer repeating the same thing that he was doing. So she wasn't getting what she once got. So let's just kind of play with this idea. Perhaps. He was always the supportive brother. He was the rescuer. This is actually in chapter three. I love chapter three of my book. It's a really deep insight peace, where we recognize the pieces within ourselves. And I have 10 inner child wounds that we all carry with us. And sometimes that role that someone plays within the family system is actually what people want them to play. So let's say sister in law, her brother was the rescuer. He was always available by text. If she got into trouble, he came and bailed her out. That was the family system. And when he met you, he decided he no longer had time, capacity or a desire to keep doing that. And he then wanted to focus on living his own life. You didn't ruin the family system. He changed the family system. Other times, daughters in law, name it and will say things like, oh, wow, there's a lot of guilt in your family or there's a lot of control. You naming something doesn't mean that you caused all these problems. It means something wasn't working. And together people have shifted. I just think that's a really important reframe because I hear daughters in law being scapegoated and being blamed. And this is exactly what I hear happening for you. So again, I don't have all of the story, I don't have the full context, but when someone is putting all of the responsibility on one person, we know that in relationships that's not true. Everybody played A role in here. And your sister in law hasn't stepped back to take any accountability of how have I showed up that has contributed to these issues. So for those listening, the story goes on. So they did eventually repair. And the challenge though with the repair is you've asked many times what I did wrong and your sister in law and mother in law could not give you any initial issue that you started. So that's really interesting. So is it really about you and the things you've done or is it just that they've been hurt, mad, angry because you have healthy, appropriate boundaries because you and your husband have chosen to do things yourself. And I want you to hold on to that as you're listening to this, really hold on to this one. Okay? And at one point you and your husband took space so that you could look after your mental health. So things started to get passive aggressive then extremely aggressive recently when I realized she just hates that I exist and wants a relationship with her brother in which I don't exist. And of course for many people, there are some people who will say, okay, I will engage with my sibling and we as a couple were solid and we're okay for that. So I'll go and hang out with them that once a month and have that connection. Other people are not okay with that and there's no right or wrong in that. The other thing too I think is so important around this conversation. I really want to emphasize this and it's, it's really what my vault method in my book teaches. So if you haven't yet, check out my book. I walk you through this five step system. Even if you are estranged with your family or an in law, read the book because those steps are going to help you prepare your relationship for the next hurdle or even just so that you know you're on the same page and you have a plan for what you're going to do if that shows up again later at some point because we know families go distance and then sometimes come close. In all of the work that I do, something I'm so cautious of is this all or nothing. And it's this binary piece. And I think for so many of us, we like doing the all or nothing because it gives us certainty and safety and that feels good. But in reality life does not work this way. And a lot of times with our in laws it also doesn't work this way that we find this like middle gram space. But the key piece is you and your partner are a solid team. Okay, so let's see here you saying, we tried to have a conversation. Your sister in law and her husband end up screaming at you through text because they wouldn't pick up the phone. And so my husband said, enough, okay? You two have been through a lot. So things are escalated, things are on fire right now. And your husband said, enough, we can't do this anymore. And he doesn't want a relationship with his sister going forward. When I read through this, something that comes to mind is this deep unknowing for outsiders of what a sibling bond is like. And there's often this like really deep history between siblings of how parents treated them, how they navigated their own relationship, how one person was told something, or you know, how one child was made the adult and always had to look after the younger one. There's a lot of complexities in there that when we as partners enter in, we don't know all of those things. And sometimes there is this history that people aren't able to move through and maybe they don't even want to move through at this time of life. So here you say. The part I feel so bad about is that I feel so much relief, so much relief that I no longer have to try to fix things when she has so many of her own issues she doesn't want to face. And then you said, but the guilt feels so valid because now I feel like, wow, maybe I did tear a family apart and if I didn't exist, this wouldn't be happening to them. I feel horrible no matter how many times my husband reassures me that this is what he wants and that he's so much happier. This one's heavy. We told my mother in law and father in law to please respect this and that we're sorry that we can't all be together. But now my mother in law and father in law ignore my existence, which stings given how much I've done for them and for their son. But I guess it's also peace of mind. I just feel guilty because my goal was never to tear apart a family. Should I be working towards repair? Or is this one of the instances in which no contact is the best method? I'm so glad that you sent in this question because I know so many people experience this and I want to highlight some pieces that families often get stuck in. So first, there's this element around what repair actually looks like. And a lot of families have these heated moments. They truly do. These heated moments happens in families. And what's complex about this is that nobody has the tools in terms of how we're going to move through this. So some people bring in the parents or parents make themselves involved between sibling conflict. And that's a tricky triangle. Brother, sister, mom and dad, right? You all have to get along. That's really tricky because you're all adults now. And then some people will brush things under and say, you know what, just give it some space and you'll move forward. And then there's this concept then as well of no contact and estrangement. And I think where I often land working with people, it's never my job to tell you where exactly to go, but I often stay close to what is right now. And what is right now is. It sounds like your husband needs a cooling off period. He needs this time where naturally a family might be more distant right now. And that's what happens. It, it's hard. It doesn't feel good for his parents. That doesn't feel good because parents don't have kids and then think, you know, one day we'll be navigating their estrangement. Not at all. So there is a lot of discomfort that's showing up in the family. And at the same time, we don't know what the future holds. People can change. People can also work through things. People can decide, you know, why don't we get together in this limited way and then we make it work that way. But what I hear right now, and I can only speak to right now, is that your husband needs this cooling off period. He needs this period right now where he needs to heal and work through what's happened to him. I want to also emphasize, here's a man who is standing by your side and saying, I'm choosing my partner. I go to bed with her every night. She matters to me. You can't treat my wife this way. And this is a really powerful thing. And we also saw it shared. Perhaps you listened to it. If you haven't, go check it out. The episode with Janelle. Her husband said the same thing to his mother. And that's a healthy relationship because it's needed so that you're protected together, you feel good together. And then what he chooses to do with his family then is up to him. So you're saying I feel horrible and did I actually tear this family apart? And I, I want to sit in this guilt feeling because there, there's a difference. First, let's, let's piece out guilt and shame. Shame is this feeling of I am bad, I am unworthy, I am inadequate. I don't think that's Showing up here. But maybe it is a little bit. And if it is, let's just first bust through that shame. One of the best ways you can do is to open the curtain. Shame is like a curtain closer. It draws you into a dark room, and it keeps you all alone. Break it open. If you have a safe friend to talk about it, tell them the story, because I'm confident they will say to you, you are not a bad person. You did not cause this. This is a system and a dynamic that has unfolded, and it takes more than one person to create any of that. So shame, you know, we can recognize it and we can move forward. Guilt, another piece. So guilt says, I did something bad. Hmm. So let's be curious about this. Was there something that didn't feel good? Did you send maybe some heated words? We all do. It means maybe you did something that didn't feel good in alignment with you. That doesn't make you a bad person. And maybe that's a reflective point of how would I like to enter those conversations in the future? I think we can use guilt in a way to say, if I did something that didn't feel good, what do I want to do next time? And let's say, for example, again, I don't have the context here, but if you entered into these texting conversations and they got heated and you said some things you don't like, okay, cool. Now we have that information. Not cool, but you get what I mean in the sense of I want to show up differently to that next time. Which means if these conversations come up through text, I'm not going to engage. And that these are conversations that a. We either need to see a family therapist to support us through this, because working through something is not having one person railroad you with aggression. Two people actually, to have wife and her husband railroad both of you, that's not conversation. But also, too, you might decide that next time you get into this conversation, you're going to cut this down, cut it off, and be able to say, we're focused on moving forward. Let's talk about how we can move forward. We both have hurts, and this is really painful, and we can't relitigate it because if we do, we'll just keep spiraling. So let's move forward and create the relationship now in the terms we want to. And that might be seeing each other at holiday events, and you talk about the weather, and everybody puts on their best behavior because that's what you do at holidays. And. And you talk about the new thing that's happening at work or the crazy story in the media. And then you have your two hours together and you part and mom and dad have their kids there and that's what happens in holidays and you all come together and that's, that's. That maybe that's what it is somewhere down the road. I don't know what it is. But I want to come back to this piece here though, because I think there is such relief here for someone to be able to say, this is what my husband's deciding and I no longer have to keep entering that family matrix. This is a matrix. Sister in law pulls you, pulls husband into the matrix and fights for it to be the same. You're saying, I'm not going into the matrix. It doesn't work for me. Husband is saying, hey, I'm not coming into that. You have to respect me and my wife and you're not. And that doesn't work. So of course you feel relief to not have to be going into that anymore. That doesn't make you a bad person for feeling that. And I think when guilt shows up for us, it often suggests that we've got a conflict inside of us. We're. We're doing something that feels good for us on one hand, but on another hand maybe bumps against one of our other values. And the question I want you to ask yourself now is, where do I want to put my energy and focus? What value of mine or what's meaningful to me right now that I want to focus on today, here and now? Cause that's all that I can control. So your question is, should I be working towards repair or is this one of the instances in which no contact is the best method? It sounds like you have already worked towards repair and that it blew up. And at this point, your husband is the one who's saying, I need space from this. I can't keep doing this. And I don't know what it looks like down the road. But I do know that you holding on to guilt and saying to yourself, I'm the one that caused this is only going to lead to disconnection between you and your partner. But you can show up to your partner and continue to explore and say, have you been thinking about your family? Or what thoughts have you been having lately? Is there anything that you want to share about what's happened? You can be that supportive person to meet them there. But the, the piece where you say, if I didn't exist, this wouldn't have been happening to them, I actually don't believe that because family systems often continue to reenact whether it was with you or with another person that your partner chose because that was the system that they all lived in and it was disrupted by him taking a partner. But that's not on you to blame. That's on the family system that was no longer working for them. All right, I'm so glad that you set this question in. Is this a space for you to be working towards repair right now? That's between you and your partner. To answer. However, go cautiously and remember this key piece about repair. Repair is going to look different for everybody. And when it comes to family, you have these wounds and repeated years of hurt. Repair might actually not be about going into that old hurt stuff, but instead repair for this might actually be more around how do we plan to move forward? We're not going to go back and hash out all of that stuff. Hurts are there. You can go and do your work around the hurt. You know what is not okay and how you want to be treated. Now, what does it look like moving forward? And again for your husband then to be keeping that boundary with his parents. Parents. But gosh, you know, for them to ignore your existence, that doesn't feel good. I have this image of you continuing to close up your boundary gate. You show up and you're continuously being kind, respectful. I don't know what the engagement is right now with your in laws, but you are a kind and respectful person. But you have boundaries. You close up the gate. You don't have to then be this apologetic person that comes in taking all of the responsibility for all the things. Now maybe what's more helpful is you focusing on how do we plan to move forward and what's important about family and how you want to act on that piece. And that's the piece between you and your husband to decide first. All right. If you're looking for a bit more support, do check out my book. You, your husband and his mother. This is all about you having strategies, scripts and tools that are specific to your mother in law type, but also to the pieces that we bring in and our couple dynamic. And I know so many people have said they have also read the book in the context of a tricky sister in law. So anytime you read the word mother in law, you can think of your own mother or your sister in law or someone else. And there are strategies and tools that are really going to meet you where you're at just to keep doing this work. But remember this, you are not at fault to carry the entire responsibility of a family and system that has already been in place. All right, thank you for clicking play. Thank you for tuning in. If something resonated from you. If you know someone who is dealing with a sister in law or a tricky mother in law, I would love for you to share this episode with them. And if you have a question, hit the link in the show notes and I will see you next time. I have to tell you at the end of every podcast episode that this is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider. Alright, see you next time.

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