The Top 5 Challenges Women Face With Their Mother-in-Law

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Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy, clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries in laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together, we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good.

Welcome back to dear Dr. Tracy. I'm so glad you're here today because this episode kicks off a special series leading up to the launch of my new book, you, your husband and his mother. This book was born out of Sitting in the therapy room with women and couples who love each other deeply and want to feel like they're on the same page and to solve their problems and with the greatest desire, which is to have healthy, connected relationships with extended family members. And yet so many people feel stuck, resentful, or even hopeless because of one recurring struggle, his mom. Now, I do receive lots of questions from you and it's saying to me, well, it's not always his mom. So in today's episode, in the conversations that follow, and also in the five steps of my vault method, this can apply to your parent, this can apply to, to that difficult sister in law, or maybe even it's your father in law. Because the emphasis of the work that I'm doing here is really helping you to identify patterns, to identify what's going to work for you moving forward, and to become that strong, solid team. And here's the truth. Research shows that these struggles really do matter. Wives who feel close so who are closer with their in laws actually have a 20% higher risk of divorce. Wow. On the flip side though, when husbands are close to their in laws, we actually see a lower risk of divorce. Why is this? Because for many women, closeness with his family often comes with judgment, exclusion, being put in the middle, or all kinds of other difficult dynamics. And if her husband doesn't step in, he doesn't know how to. He doesn't see the issue, he doesn't want to. She ends up feeling utterly alone. So today I want to share the top five challenges women face with their mother in law. These are from the collective stories I've heard over the almost 20 years as a psychologist and couples therapist working with people. These are around the messages in my community, around people, inside my relationship program, around your stories. So I'm going to give you stories, insights and some practical shifts that you can also try. I really love making these episodes hands on so you walk away with something that you can try and remember when you pre order you, your husband and his mother. You'll also get access to a live coaching session with me. Plus plus a bonus guide with incredibly powerful reflection questions to help you start making changes right away. All right, I have all the details in the show notes for those links. And before we get started though, if there is something from the podcast that has stood out for you that has been helpful, that has been an aha moment. Please take a moment to support the podcast. It is one of the biggest things you as a listener can do. Click the stars, Leave a review, which I read all of them. And don't forget to subscribe and share it with someone that you care about. All right, let's dive in. The first pattern is constant criticism and judgment. So I'm going to tell you about Emily. Emily had just had her first baby. She was exhausted, trying to figure out feeding. She was doing her best to get some sleep. The story that so many parents can connect with. Her mother in law came over one afternoon, looked at the baby fussing and said, are you sure you're feeding her enough? She looks hungry. It was just one comment. And I know for so many of us, we can experience those one or two comments and we can allow it to slide off of us, us. But over time, these comments became dozens of them. Remarks about the baby's clothes, about the cleanliness of the house, about whether Emily was making the correct dinners for her and her husband, and even Emily's appearance. Over time, Emily started to doubt herself. She stopped inviting her mother in law over. But the resentment she carried started to spill into the fights with her husband. Emily would go to her husband and he wouldn't acknowledge the struggle that she was having. I know so many people describe these moments as feeling like a paper cut and paper cuts sting. And when we look at this as one of the top challenges with mothers in law, I want us to consider something really important. Constant criticism is not a big bang moment. It's easy when your mother in law comes over, yells at you, degrades you, and your husband can then see it and say, whoa, this isn't okay. But the small criticisms, the judgments, they become these moments where it's so hard to even label what this actually is. And I know for many of us, what we say is we even try to downplay our own experience. We'll say something like, well, it's not that bad, or I know she means well. And the truth is, though, is that this kind of behavior and pain does spill over into the other aspects of you, into the other aspects of your relationship. And even if we zoom out of this and take a look at what we know from the Gottman's research is that criticism is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And they call it this because it breaks down the health of a relationship. And so if one person is coming over and constantly criticizing you, it's going to erode your self esteem, your connection, and ultimately criticism from someone outside of you. When you and your partner can't be on the same page. It does end up dividing couples. One of my favorite parts of my book is the six Types of mothers in law. And these detailed descriptions are here to help you identify who your mother in law is. Not as a way to shame, blame or diagnose. And I stay away from the word narcissism intentionally, but instead what this is for is to help you to understand who you are dealing with. It helps you label and identify a pattern of behavior because then it gives you the power and agency on how you want to respond. And that is really what's so important about this conversation that we're having here. We are not sitting here saying, here are all of these women, they're so awful. Look at what they're doing. Not at all. Instead we're sitting here saying, I'm recognizing that I cannot control and change other people. How nice it would be to do that. I know that as well. Wouldn't it be nice if someone showed up the way you wanted them to and did the things you wanted them to? And yet it's challenging because we cannot control others. But instead, this book and this work is really about identifying what's within your control, giving you a sense of agency, power and choice. And those are core needs that we all have. So if you do have a mother in law who is highly critical, she might be one of the externalizer mothers in law. And there's two in that category, and that is the controller or the blamer. And when it comes to the book, I just want you to know this, that I'm going to walk you through what you'll notice in terms of these patterns of behavior. But throughout the book you're going to learn what is the best way to communicate with someone. How can I express boundaries to this person given the type of mother in law that they are? Here's what I want you to know. If your mother in law steps into the criticism and judgment position. Criticism says more about the other person's anxiety or need for control than about you. But it doesn't make it less painful. I love the analogy around a gate that opens and closes. And this is around our boundaries. This is around how we protect ourselves. And one of my dear friends and I, we used to talk about wrapping ourselves in bubble wrap before going into hard meetings or hard experiences. And we put a bubble around each other to protect our energy. And in many ways, when it comes to someone who is highly controlling and judgmental, it puts you in the position to then say, how do I want to respond to this? And I think the first reframe is for you when you close the gate because you're not letting this information in the most powerful reframe to use is this isn't about my worth. Because when you close the gate and you're good behind the gate, guess what happens? That criticism is going to come in and it's going to bounce right off the gate. It's not coming into you completely. Really. It's not entering your core because you already know that this is not about you. It's about her. It's about her need for control. It's about her anxiety and insecurity and desire for connection. And that's what she's choosing to do. You can't control that. And instead my boundaries are what am I going to allow in and allow out. And the other piece too. And I talk about this more in the book outlining how to do boundaries with your mother in law is how am I going to communicate this? Knowing who this person is, is it worth saying something or does that lead to more of an uproar? Is she able to hear this feedback? And if not, then what is it that I want to do? Appreciating that I cannot control someone else. So a script that Emily ended up taking to her husband and they ended up practicing this together was, hey, thanks for your input. We're making it work our way. It was neutral, it was clear, and it really protected their confidence as parents. The second top mother in law struggle, boundary violations. Okay, let's talk about Sarah and Daniel. They had just moved into their first home when Daniel gave his mom a spare key. He thought he was being practical. But a week later, Sarah came home from work to find her mother in law inside. Reorganizing the pantry and stocking the fridge. Okay. For many, this is the dream. And Sarah recalled how hard it was to be validated by her friends who wanted that dream. But she herself felt intruded on. So Sarah did what most of us would do. She would go to her husband and complain. She would express how violated she felt. But here's where the triangle already starts to form. And if you don't know your triangle, that's okay because I'm teaching you that in step three of my vault method. There's a reason this shows up in step three, and that's because if you did it right away, it wouldn't likely lead to more defensiveness with your partner. And I want you and your partner to build strength and connection first. And then getting to this triangle piece at step three, here's what happened for Sarah and Daniel. Daniel brushed it off. He would say things like, she was just helping But Sarah felt violated. She felt like her home wasn't really hers anymore and that her mother in law, likely with good intentions, was coming in and taking over. I'm going to zoom out here for a minute and talk about one of the common struggles that shows up in legacy patterns and that is denial. Denial isn't just something that people learn. It's often deeply ingrained in unhealthy fear, family dynamics. It's used to keep the family system the same, to keep it cohesive, controlled, rigid. This is where the parents are in the position of them being right and their adult children, or once as small children had to fall in line. Denial often sounds like that didn't happen or that's not how we saw it. There's no accountability, no taking responsibility, no acknowledging of your feelings and experiences. Unfortunately, any partners then also end up slipping into denial. Not maliciously, but because they weren't modeled what it meant to create healthy separation and individuation. So let me just twist this a little bit. What does a healthy family relationship look like? It looks like recognizing that I as the parent have upset feelings that you are not coming here for Christmas. And I'm going to acknowledge that we're doing things differently while my feelings are still heard. It also looks like when you come to me saying that you're upset about something that I did with the kids last week, I as the parent I'm going to say thank you so much for telling me here was my intention. But my goodness, that's not how I would want you to feel afterwards. It's acknowledging that a relationship isn't built on only one person's reality. Healthy families can tolerate differences. So Daniel was repeating this pattern of denial even with his wife. He experienced it with his mother and then he was doing it with his wife. It was so important in our work together when I pointed this out and we really had to sink into allowing space for all feelings and all experiences. Okay, let's go back to what Daniel's mom was doing. This is what family systems theory calls a boundary violation. And often it creates what we have already discussed as a triangle. So instead of the couple staying united, now the mother in law is pulled into the marriage, leaving the wife feeling excluded. You'll hear me say this throughout my life. I will never stop saying this. Boundaries aren't about rejection, they're about safety. They're about creating inclusivity and having families with all that they bring, or friends or co workers or whoever it is, all that they bring and finding a way to coexist together. This work here is not about estrangement. It's not about cutting ties with people. And I know that when people get to that point, they've often been through so much that that last straw can look like just the straw, but it's the straw that broke the camel's back. It was all too much. But when we start in this earlier work, and I really do think that's important, the earlier we set boundaries, the better our relationships become. Here's what Sarah and Daniel did. Daniel went to his mom and took the keys back. Also, as a side note, I just want to add so many of you shared with me that your mother in law had a key to your house and did very much the same thing. So I know many of you listening are going to relate to this story. And I want to remind you if someone cannot respect your boundary of not coming into your home uninvited, you do not need to continue to allow them to hold the key. You can ask for it back, you can give it to a neighbor, you can give it to that sibling or that safe person. And together Sarah and Daniel put new scripts in place. So here's what they practiced. We love when you visit, but we need a heads up please text before you come so we can be present with you. These were just small words, but they really gave Sarah her sense of agency and security back. Foreign.

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All right, number three, rule breaking with the kids. Let's talk about Maya and Chris. And I know so many of you can relate to the story. Their young child, their six year old, came home one day and whispered, grandma said not to tell you, but we stayed up late watching movies. As the stories unfolded, Maya continued to hear all of the things that grandma did with her child, including allowing lots of candy, staying up late and watching movies. I think this is really important to emphasize that it's not because of some of these things. We understand that a grandparent can play a really special role, but I think it's the thing that happened as a result of it, and that's the split dynamic. And the split dynamic became that grandma was the fun one and mom was the strict one. And that division didn't help their parenting. And it also bled into Maya and Chris's marriage. So in this triangle, Maya was furious and upset and her husband felt stuck. He felt like, well, it's his mom and she means well. But then he was also seeing that his wife was upset by this. And of course, what happens for so many people, what we don't want to happen is that then kids get caught in the middle, Especially as they get older, they start to hear these things. They start to feel the tensions that show up between mom and dad. Here's something that I think is so important for child development. And research shows that consistency and predictability are essential for kids security. And so when the rules change, whether it's between you and your partner or who's in charge, it can Be difficult because kids might feel confused, and we don't want parents to feel undermined. The shift I helped with Maya and Chris is this. They needed to align themselves first. Here's what I remind people. Families are consistent and predictable. If grandma likes to have fun with the kids in this way, we can predict that she's probably going to do that again. And so if we also know that another family member makes that critical or toxic statement about you, you know, they're likely going to do it again. Families are consistent and predictable. And what we often miss or hope is that when we go to the family event, we think maybe they'll be different, maybe they'll try something else, maybe this won't happen again. And then what happens is we get even more frustrated that this shows up. So here's the thing. Let's take this piece and practice aligning ourselves first. I do this with you in step five of my vault method. The exercises are tailored for you. They're going to help you and your partner really get on the same page. But the key here is that you need to plan ahead of time. And then what this allows you to do is to present as a united front. So then when Maya and Chris went to drop off their six year old the next time, they had clear rules for grandma to follow, not so she could stop being the fun grandma. They really honored that with her. But at the same time, they talked about their family values, how they don't keep secrets as one, and that while movies can be watched, here's a selection of shows that feel good and approved of by the parents. And also here are some of the food that are choking hazards and they don't want to be shared. And so they actually brought a little, like, picnic basket to celebrate them with grandma and their little child. And I think there's an element in here as well where it comes with communication. So we're setting up the scene, we're setting up the situation. But it also comes with being able to say it's really important. Our rules need to be followed. This is about safety and it's about everybody being on the same page. I also love adding in some reassurance in here, which sounds like we love that you get this time together. We know how important this is, and I want you to know it's equally important for us. And this is why we're having this conversation here. That reassurance goes such a long way. So here's the thing, when it comes to this one, for Maya and Chris, it wasn't about controlling Grandma. But instead it was about protecting their kids and their marriage. Let's talk about number four, emotional manipulation and guilt trips. So we're going to talk about Leah. Leah dreaded Sundays because her mother in law would call and say things like, after all I've done for you, you can't even bring the kids over. Leah told me, I feel like I can't win. If I say yes, I'm exhausted. If I say no, then I'm the bad guy. This is the power of guilt. For those who have the martyr mother in law type, you know, she gives endlessly, but with guilt attached. But this makes love conditional. It demands compliance, not connection. And from a couple's perspective, it really ends up creating this loyalty bind. So instead of making decisions together, their decisions are made to smooth out their mother in law's feelings. But here's something that I think all couples need to inherently believe and sink into. Guilt is not love. Guilt is about control. This is one of those unhealthy family dynamics that can show up. And again, while we're not controlling someone and saying to them and yelling at them, you're so controlling, you're so manipulative. That doesn't go over well. And it's not necessarily because someone wants to hurt you or they're intentionally doing this. This could be so deep in their unconscious. But here's the thing, if they don't have awareness of this, it's going to create more of an uproar, which then comes back to, what's in my control? What do I get to choose to do? This is often a place where I also end up giving a lot of education to men who come from families where guilt was heavily used. But what's ended up happening is that they so desensitized to it. So what does that mean? That means that they hear something repeatedly and they don't see it anymore. They don't hear the guilt trip. They don't have that internal struggle. They don't feel the ick that comes with it. But what's interesting about that though is that deep in their unconscious, they have learned to do things, to keep trying to be the good son. And that's a really tricky piece because they're desensitized to the guilt trip, but motivated unconsciously to be the good son. So let me say this one more time because I think this really needs to hit home. Guilt is not love. Guilt is about control. And when someone is guilt tripping you, you do not have to take on their guilt. You can close your fence you can let that guilt bounce off, reflect off the gate and you get to choose what's going to be best for you and your family. Here's a healthier script that Leah and her husband practiced. They would say things to his mother. We hear you're disappointed. We still need to make the choice that works best for our family. And you better believe that mom was upset. Of course she. And it makes sense because family is important and we all have our own expectations. We can still validate feelings, but we don't have to give in to that. We don't have to take on their guilt and make it our own legacy. I'll also add, this is a great moment to add that reassurance to that caregiver, to the grandma, to your mother in law. Our connection is important. We're not able to make it this weekend. We can't wait to get back together again soon. Here's the thing, doesn't erase the guilt overnight, but it did give Leah permission to stop carrying the burden of the family dynamic and the legacy of guilt tripping and manipulation all alone. All right, number five, competition and feeling invisible. So I'm going to share a story about Hannah. So whenever her mother in law came over, she would gush about her son. You're such a wonderful father. You're such a hard worker. We're so proud of you. Hannah described herself feeling like wallpaper. She felt unseen, she felt acknowledged. Just like, what am I, chopped liver here? I guess I do nothing around here. And then other times, her mother in law would compete with Hannah's own mom and she would try to see who would give better gifts or who got more time with kids. This is a tricky piece around equality, this myth that family connections are going to be 50, 50 and always equal. And I remind people we have different relationships with different people for a reason. So Hannah with me said, I feel like I'm in a constant tug of war. So here's one of those other tricky pieces, and this is the loyalty binding. Her husband felt torn between his wife and his mother. And she, his wife, felt invisible in her own family. And it's really tricky because it's, it might not even be coming at you specifically, but you can feel it. You can feel it in your gut. You feel like something's off and it doesn't feel right or, or it's almost like this. It's not this physical pushing you to the side, but it's almost this emotional experience of being pushed to the side. And I think here I'm going to Do a perspective shifting because I really want you to hold this in mind. Your mother in law or other extended family member slips into competition. This is coming from a place of insecurity, not from your inadequacy. Her fear of losing her relevance drives the rivalry. And this is really where those tensions come from. That insecurity they often sound like, if you're doing it differently, does it mean I did it wrong? Or if you're here supporting my son now, what role do I have? Here's the piece. You're not responsible for your mother in law's insecurity. You are responsible for how you show up and how you create connection and care. And I think the antidote here is not to get into competition back, not to try to one up, not to kind of wave the flag and say, see me, see me. I'm here too. And so what I helped Hannah practice is saying this to her husband. I need you to see me. I need you to make space for us and not just your mom. There was so much more work that we did in here. And you're going to see more of this inside my book. But I just want you to hear this piece that when Hannah started to paint of tune into her own sense of agency, she felt like she. She no longer felt like she had to fight for her place in her family. Okay, let's recap. The five most common struggles I hear are criticism and judgment. And remember, these can be like small micro paper cuts. Two, boundary violations. These are where you have limits and needs and they're not being respected. Three, rule breaking with kids. This is such a common one which I think leads. They all kind of connect together, don't they? But number four is guilt trips and manipulation. And five is competition and invisibility, which really stems from this place of insecurity. Okay, as you listen today, if you've heard yourself in one of these struggles, I'd love to know which one resonated most with. I'd love to know which one resonated most with you. Send me a DM on Instagram or reply to my weekly newsletter. Hearing your stories is what helps me create these resources for you. And I love feeling connected with you. On the other side of these conversations, I want to say this. These are not minor annoyances. These are patterns. And they activate old wounds. They create triangles and loyalty binds. And they really put a tremendous amount of strain on couples. And they matter because research shows in law, relationships directly impact marital satisfaction and even divorce risk. If you recognize yourself in these stories, please hear me. You are not alone. These struggles are widespread. I sit across from women and couples every day and think, I just wish you could have heard what that couple said last week. To know this is not just you. And I don't say that to minimize your true and unique experience, but to say with compassion, I see you and I know this is hard. And I also want you to know this. This doesn't mean your marriage is broken. These struggles mean you're navigating one of the most complex dynamics couples face. And this is exactly why I wrote you, your husband and his mother. I'm guiding you step by step through breaking these patterns, strengthening bond with your partner and creating boundaries that last. These are the tools and exercises and steps that I've walked with couples in my therapy room and I can tell you it works. I've seen it change marriages for the better. And I have to plug this so remember when you pre order that is the best way to support me right now. When you pre order the book, you're also going to get access to my live coaching session with me where I'm going to answer your questions directly. And I also have a bonus guide with reflection prompts to help you start making those changes right now. I have all the details in the show notes for you. Okay, wrapping up. If anything stood out for you, share this episode with someone you care about. Leave me a review, click the stars and don't forget to subscribe. It means everything to support the show and for me to keep showing up here with you. Until next time, remember this. You're not failing. You're navigating something deeply human and with the right tools and support, change is possible. I have to remember remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this information is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider. Until next time.