What to Do Instead of an Empty “Sorry”

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Go back and listen to the episode to discover what kind of I'm sorry pattern you might be getting stuck in, or the one you are receiving from your partner, because today I'm going to give you a few tips on what you can do for each one. This is the action you want to start taking. And if you've been on the receiving end of a bad apology, be sure to grab my free download on how you can respond to that apology in a way that's not going to up the ante or minimize your feelings or to just sweep it under the rug. I want you and your partner to learn how to move forward with these really hard moments. So let's talk about what actually works. If you're the performative apology person, your work is to move from overly focusing on your intention to now shifting on the impact. You need to stop focusing on what you meant to do and start focusing on what it felt like to be your partner and to receive your behavior. So instead of saying something, I'm sorry I was harsh, or I'm sorry you took it that way, try something like this. I said something critical to you yesterday. So that's acknowledging what you did. And I've been thinking about it. When I said that, I imagine, okay, right here is how you then step into your partner's experience. I imagine you heard me saying that you're not good enough, or that I don't believe in you. Okay, that's the first piece. I imagine what would it be like to be them. And now I want you to talk about what that feeling must be. So here's the example: I know that must have felt really isolating, especially because you were trying. And you might then even ask, is that what it felt like? Or maybe just check in, do I have it right, or can you tell me more about it? So in this example, I am naming the impact, I'm getting curious about their experience, and I'm not just apologizing for my behavior. I'm sorry I was critical. I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry. It starts to feel empty. But instead, when you acknowledge what your behavior might have done to them, that's really part of a good repair. And this is a really important next step. And I, I'll admit, I used to think that strong partnerships were all about how you communicated something. And I now believe that a strong partnership about how you can listen and understand what the other person is saying. So if you tend to get stuck in the performative apology, then I want you to practice being a good listener. Don't defend yourself, don't overexplain, don't keep talking about why you did the thing. Just listen and understand what it's like to be your partner. And I do want to say that's actually a really hard thing to do when you think about having to go into someone else's world and experience. I don't take for granted that That's a hard thing to do. So if you've had a hard time doing that, I see you and I totally get it. Okay, number 2, this is for the person who says sorry, but there's actually no change. So your work here is to move from words and into action. And this is about you getting concrete about what's going to be different. And if you didn't listen to last time, click pause, go back and listen, because Greg and I talk about how if you are the sorry, the repeating sorry offender who then makes no change, you are eroding the trust in your partnership. So if you keep saying, for example, you'll be more present, but you're still checking out, this is an example of how this repair looks. Okay, here it is. So it sounds like I've said I would be more present, and you know, to be honest, love, I haven't followed through, and I actually want to change that. So here's what I'm going to do. Okay, right there, you acknowledge that you had agreed to try something with them. I don't know what it is. I agreed to do bedtime. Greg and I recently had our bedtime conversation. I agreed to do bedtime, or I've been been trying to do more of this, or I've been trying to communicate more with you, and I'm recognizing that I'm really struggling with that and I haven't followed through. That's ownership right there. And then being able to say, here's what I want to do. And let's also be honest about behavior change. It's hard to change behavior. It's okay if you don't know what to do, but you can Google that. You can ask Dr. Tracy AI inside Be Connected what you should do next, like what specific exercises could you put to place. So that you can then make a change. So here's an example of if you're trying to be more present with your partner. So concrete— remember, when we change something, we want to be more specific about it. So maybe it sounds like this: every evening at 6 PM, before I check my phone, I'm going to sit with you for 15 minutes, no distractions. And hey, you know, sometimes I'm going to slip back into that phone habit. We're all struggling with our phone habits right now. But I'm asking you, my partner, to call me in to come be with you. Not in a mean way, not in a like, oh, you're doing it again, but just in a like come be with me. It's really important because rewiring this pattern, I want to do it for us, and I need your help in this as well. This isn't you putting that responsibility on them, and don't you dare. You have to hold yourself accountable, and you can be a team through this together. So notice what I'm doing. I'm being specific, I'm naming the behavior, and I'm giving a timeline, and I'm also asking my partner to be my accountability buddy. This one is a hard one. So if you are the shame spiral apology person, Your work is to stay curious about your own nervous system instead of collapsing into shame. And hey, if you haven't, go back and check out my shame episode, one of my favorite ones. It's a solo one that I've done recently. It's super helpful for you to see what is driving this for you. But here's what I want you to know. This is a really hard one because that shame spiral is so automatic and it's likely deep-rooted, rooted further back than what you've met your partner with. But you can do something in that moment to change how those stories land. So you have to first slow down. It's always about slowing down. And you're going to then feel the urge. The urge is going to be like, oh, I'm such a bad partner. You don't deserve me. You deserve better. Pause. Do not say those words. Every time you say those words, this is really interesting. Every time you say those words, you then continue to feed it about yourself. You say it out loud, your brain registers it. It continues to believe that you are worthless, that you're a bad person. Every single time. There's a lot of power in being able to say to yourself, I don't want to stay in that story. I want to tell a different story. I'm going to step out of it. Here's what it would sound like with your partner when you're being relational. Hey, I notice right here in this moment, I'm starting to go into my shame spiral. This one is hitting something old for me. Okay. Right here. This is an example of what I did in the reel with Greg as well. You are naming it. You are walking around it and saying, oh look, you know, I often think of this like you're holding a mug and instead of being like, I'm just gonna drink my mug and pay attention to my mug here. No, instead you're like, oh, I'm holding a mug. Look at that. Look, I'm holding a mug. It's just noticing. And when you name it out loud, it actually takes the pressure off of it. And so then you stop focusing on it for people who are listening. I'm holding my new D mug. I'm really enjoying it. I've had my other D mug since I opened— gosh, when did I get my other D mug? I think I got it in 2017 when my daughter was born, or maybe even before that. I've had it for a long time in my clinical practice. So cool. So now I have one in my podcast studio. All right, so after you name it, you can add in what you need. And what you need might actually be something like slowing down. So it could sound like, I want to stay here and I don't want to disappear into shame, but can we slow this down for a minute? Right there is so important because you're not going into the spiral. You're not saying, why are you with me? I'm such a bad partner. You're saying, I'm feeling shame and I don't want to get swallowed up in it, but I need a beat. And then you want to say something to your partner like, I did something that hurt you and I want to understand it so that I can truly repair and move forward with this. You might need more time to get out of your head. You might have to park the conversation for 20 minutes while you go for a walk and calm your body. Right? Because remember, shame is your nervous system hijacking you in that moment. It's sending you into a freeze mode or a fight and flight mode where you just want to get out of there. But that's not building connection. And if you need more time, there are some really beautiful things that you can say to your partner that says, I'm here and I want to hear you. And some of those go-to statements might be, tell me more about that. That like just gives you that beat. Okay. I can breathe in that moment. Tell me more about that. Or he might say something like, I'm here and I want to understand. What else might you say? You might say something like, this matters and I'm here. And just that, give it a beat. You're giving space for your partner to literally step in with what's happening for them. Right here, this example, that's you managing your nervous system. And that's so that the repair can actually happen. You can't repair if you are in a fight or flight mode, or if you're in a freeze and shutting down mode. And here's the other really cool thing is if you can do this, your partner is going to feel relieved because they no longer have to step into the soothing you mode, which ends up making it really sticky. You take care of your nervous system so that you can be present with them. All right, last one. If you're the avoidance apology person, that's where you say sorry and you leave and you shut down. Your work is to stay in the conversation. Even when it's so uncomfortable, you're not going to just apologize and leave and shut down. You're going to try something different. But here's what I want to emphasize. Just because there's discomfort or tension between you and your partner, it doesn't actually mean that you're a bad partner. It doesn't mean the relationship is imploding. It doesn't mean that you're wrong and bad. None of that stuff. Discomfort in your partnership is not bad. It's an opportunity for you to learn something else. Here's what this could sound like. Oh, hey love, I can feel myself wanting to shut down and actually leave this conversation because I'm feeling uncomfortable. And you're important to me. I don't want to leave this. I don't want to leave you sitting in this. So I'm staying. So tell me more about what I need to understand because I don't fully understand it. If you've made it to this point in the podcast episode, here's what I want you to fully know about you in your relationship is that if your partner has shared something with you and you don't understand, take more time to understand. It's not when you say, hey, tell me more about that. And I'd love to hear from you actually what your reservations are about this. I can hear some already. I'll do this in couples therapy where one partner says something and the other partner responds. And I'll say, hey, partner B, do you actually understand what partner A has just shared? Like, do you fully get it? And most times partners will say, actually, no, I don't really understand. And that right there is so important. So imagine then partner A thinks that you fully understand and you don't, and it's That's okay because you're two different people. You have so much inside of you. So other questions could be like, tell me what this reminds you of. Where else in your life have you felt this before? I want to know more about you. I want to know you. All of that right there says, I want to understand you. And that right there is such a, like, it's like a soothing balm for the attachment system. Okay. But then you have to stay. You don't check your phone. You don't change the subject. You sit in that discomfort. You ask those questions. Because repair, true repair, requires you to be present, and presence is actually really hard. All right, here's what I want you to do this week. First, if anything is helpful in today's conversation, can you pause and leave me a review for the podcast? This is actually one of the most important things for podcasts so that other people can find what we're doing here, because I want more people to be able to understand what repair means, to build healthier relationships. And you know, this isn't just partner conversation. This is a parent conversation. This is a sibling con— who in your life doesn't know how to repair? Anyways, leave a review so more people can find this. Okay, so here's what I want you to do going into this week. The next time you need to apologize, pause before you do, and I want you to ask yourself, what does repair actually require right here in this moment? Is it for me to understand the impact? Is it me committing to specific behavior change and getting really clear on that? Is it me managing my own shame and not spiraling into my stuff? Is it me staying present in the conversation? And just for this week, just choose one thing. Don't do all four, do one. And the— gosh, that presence and that trying to understand is so important. All right, I'm going to leave you with this last thought. Remember that when we are in partnerships, there is a cycle of connection, disconnection, and repair. And so many of us didn't learn what repair looks like. This is you learning how to do that. I'm so proud of you for clicking play today and saying, I want to do something different in my relationship. All right, I will see you next time. Thanks for clicking play today. I have to remind you at the end of every episode that this information is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider. Thanks for putting up with my sniffles. I've got a cold this week. Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you, and hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling. Ross, work your magic. 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