Why Can’t I Change, Even When I Know What’s Wrong?

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Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy, clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries in laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good. There was a night not too long ago when Greg and I were sitting on the couch after the kids were in bed. Finally, this was a moment for just us. And I had this urge to connect with him. Nothing big or dramatic. I just wanted to reach for his hand or say something kind. Something that Let him know, I see you, I appreciate you, and I'm curious if you've ever had this moment. Because in that moment, I didn't. Instead, I picked up my my phone and scrolled and I zoned out. And he stayed quiet too. And the moment between us completely passed. And later that night, as I was brushing my teeth, I thought, why didn't I just do it? I wanted to. I knew it would have meant something to him. So why didn't I? And it wasn't about not knowing how to connect. It wasn't about not loving him. It was just this pull towards comfort, a pull towards self protection mode, towards staying in my own world, even though I knew better. And maybe you've had a moment like that too. You've read the books, you've listened to the podcast, you've gone to therapy. You have the insight. You want to be that partner that reaches for for your loved one. But in the moments that matter, you freeze, you withdraw, you choose silence instead of reaching out. And afterward, you feel the weight of it. That's exactly what we're going to talk about in today's podcast episode because I received a message from a listener who put words to this internal conflict in such a powerful way. And I want to share her story with you. So let me read it to you now. She said, hi Dr. Tracy, I have read your book and I am listening to your podcast regularly, which has helped me a lot so far. To be honest, it seems like that me and my partner are the opposite of the stereotypical couple when it comes to the role of the man and woman. At least based on the stories you tell. I'm not sure what my attachment style is, but I guess it's somewhere between anxious and avoidant. My question is around changing a very self centered approach to life. My partner often gets upset because he feels like I don't care about him based on my actions. I only focus on myself. I know I care about him deeply, but when he tells me about what upsets him, I agree with his descriptions of situations and that if it were the other way around, I would also not feel cared about. There is a disconnect between my feelings for him and how I meet him every day in conversations and situations. I have always thought of myself as a selfless person, but I'm starting to realize that this isn't really true. I often try to get the best out for myself first, but lie even to myself about that. I want to change that. I have been wanting to be better at showing my love in everyday situations and conversations for years at this point, but I don't seem to manage to actually do it because I simply forget, don't realize that I am again focused, focusing on myself first until I am made aware, which makes me feel really bad. But I still don't manage to change. Sorry for the long message. Also you don't have to be sorry, but basically I want to know how can I change when all I do seems to be subconscious? And I have been aware of the problem for a long time, but working on it separately through reading up on it, listening to podcasts like yours, even talking to a therapist, things don't seem to change. How I execute execute in the moments that matter. I want to start first by normalizing this experience because we so often get stuck between having an awareness around something and then also taking action. Okay, today I want to talk about some key pieces from this question, including the piece around intention versus impact, around our attachment styles, around our self protection and coping mechanisms. And so first let me just sink into my gratitude. Thank you so much for sending this my way. I love having the opportunity to receive your questions and answer them here on the podcast. If as you're listening, you also have a question for me, don't hesitate to send it to me. You can do that over on Dr. Trtracyd.com forward slash podcast. Give me as much detail as you want or as little as you need and we'll get to it here on the podcast. I want to really emphasize here that so many people live in this space that there's insight around what's happening. And I really love how this person is saying that. I see that I'm doing this and it doesn't feel good. And then also that piece around how do I actually change? And I think it's important to recognize that while for him, so for her husband, he might say, say you're not willing, you never change. It's like you don't care about me sending in this question actually and doing the therapy work and listening to podcasts and all the things that does tell me that there's this element of deep caring for your partner and that now we're looking at something deeper and we want to look at the ways in which we cope. We want to look at our wiring because that is often what keeps us stuck. And then let's find find some really tangible things that you can do to make this shift. And that's my goal for you today. I'm going to leave you with some exercises later on so that you can make those changes in your life today. I want to start by first talking about intention versus impact. And whenever we're looking at a relationship, there are multiple things that are happening. What's happening inside of me, what's happening inside of you, and what's happening in our dynamic. And that's the relational piece. And it's tricky in especially committed relationships because we tend to only experience what's happening inside of ourselves. That is the story we tell ourselves. That is our beliefs, though, that's our feelings. And we then lose understanding what's happening with the other person. So a lot of people will say, but I had good intentions. And your intentions are actually something that is internal to you. It's your experience, but your partner doesn't experience experience. Them versus impact is relational. It happens between you and your partner, and that's important to consider. So you can love someone deeply, but then still act in ways that lead them to feel unloved. And your partner doesn't experience your intentions, but they do experience your behavior. I'm careful when I walk into the intention versus impact piece because there are some people who will only focus on impact. And of course, we know in relationships we need to have nuance and flexibility. We need to have areas of gray. And so if someone is always focused on impact but never sees that you have intention. I'm intentionally speaking in definitives here, but that's a tricky piece because nobody is going to be perfect. We're all going to make mistakes and we want to see the gray areas and we want to be able to see, okay, I know your intentions are good. And at the same time, we have to look at the impact. I'm trying to hold a both end here because I'm walking this line of relational, which is really tricky to walk in. And I think that also just speaks to how tricky our relationships can be when we love and care about someone. I think this piece around intention versus impact. I want to also step back and talk about guilt and shame because I know when we hurt our partners that some people who have good intentions go to this place of saying, you know, I guess I'm making bad choices, or I'm a bad partner. Shame says I'm a bad partner. Guilt says I've done something bad. And sometimes you're not doing something bad, but it's not what your partner needs. And so in relationships, we do have to recognize that we are responsible for communicating our own thoughts, feelings, needs, opinions, desires, and wishes. That is my responsibility to communicate that to you. I cannot expect you to guess that moment I described at the beginning of the podcast where I'm sitting beside Greg, I wanted connection. If I go to him and I say later on, he, it's like you don't even care about me. That's really tricky because how did he know that I needed that in that moment? How would anyone know? We can talk about ways of connection, but that's the piece where I have to risk and say to him, I would love to connect with you in this moment, but if I don't do that, I'm not risking to let him know where I'm at. And so this is, is that relational piece here. This is where I wonder, can your partner in those moments tell you I wish to connect to you right now? It's like a flag anyways, I just wanted to make that point, like I really want to normalize that. There is this sense of us communicating what it is that we need. And then the other piece is our way of responding and showing up to them. And we want to be responsive, we want to take accountability and ownership, we want to be reassuring to them, we want to connect with them. And that means we're going to be open, we're going to be curious, we'll ask questions and we'll try to understand instead of going into self protection, instead of personalizing what our partners say, instead of dismissing or minimizing. When I shared your story to the person who asked this question, when I shared this with Greg, he could relate to this. And if you've been listening to the podcast, you know that this is more of Greg's mode than my mode, that he's the one who shuts, shuts down, who freezes and flees. We'll talk about that in the next little piece here. But this is the tricky piece because our automatic ways of responding, although it's not intentional to do that, it does have an impact on the other person. Here's another example that I think of. There was this one couple that I sat with and the one partner said, I think of you every single day, like of course you're on my mind. And her partner says, well, but you do nothing with that. I, I don't know that. And so when we have internal experiences, again, that's the intention, we have to then put it into behavior so that that person can see and feel that actually they are important to them. So when it comes to then this question, I think it's really important first for us to acknowledge that there's this gap between what you feel and also what they experience. And with that gap, it does create a sense of mistrust and hurt. But also important to remember that that gap there is not who you are. So I don't want you to shame spiral into I'm a bad partner or I also picked up on the word selfish in your message. It doesn't mean you're selfish. It means that there's something else that's happening and it's so important for us to understand what that is.

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Neurons that wire together, fire together. And so if you have continuously extended experience someone being defensive in your life and then the response is to shut down, then those become wired together. And I think of it more like that pathway where it's just this clear path, you walk down it, there's no obstacles, you know the outcome. And yet real change is about choosing a different path. And it can be muddy. You don't know where the end is going to lead you. It could be uncomfortable. There might be all sticks and twigs sticking at you, but the more you travel that path, then the more familiar it becomes. Not necessarily easier, but the more familiar. I think often of this one client who came into session saying, why do I keep feeling anxious? I asked them, what did you hope would happen after you discover the why? And my client shared that they wanted to stop feeling anxiety, but the why isn't enough to change. And also just a side note that even sometimes doing the things differently doesn't even mean that you're gonna get rid of an emotion. It just simply means that you're learning to tolerate that discomfort. Sometimes that in itself, right? So boundaries, for example, anytime we go and set boundaries, it could be uncomfortable for the rest of your life just simply because boundaries are uncomfortable. Expressing means is a hard thing to do. So we're not gonna get rid of that discomfort, but it becomes more familiar to you. So I think we want to remember that insight isn't enough and that oftentimes these self focused behaviors then are a form of protection and it's not conscious selfishness. I really wanted to make that emphasis in this episode because when I read that line I thought, oh no, this is not being selfish, this is about a protection. And likely these behaviors stemmed long before this relationship, whatever it is. That you do in that moment. It's not about a selfish moment. It's not about a selfish reaction or choice. It's that your nervous system is prioritizing safety over connection. So here's the thing about our nervous system. It is automatic. We don't get to control it. We can learn to train the parasympathetic nervous system or to train our window of tolerance, which allows us then to tolerate more distress, to be able to come back into states of calm. I cover all of this in my intercom session. It's also tucked inside my Be Connected membership. So for those who are inside my relationship program with me, that's in there for you. I teach you all about these different states of the nervous system. But it's important to remember that your nervous system then moves out of a space of calm connectivity and into dysregulation, which is fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. These states are here, and they're automatic because you are trying to stay safe. And the word safe, I'm careful to use it because I do think in some ways we overuse it or we misuse it, because then we go to our partners and we say something like, I don't feel safe to tell you this. And if our partner is not using the same type of language we are, they think, what do you mean you don't feel safe? Like, I'm not making you feel safe. So let's try to expand that language there. So it might be that I'm dysregulated or I feel nervous or apprehensive or uncertain is another really good one. But just that's me being therapist Tracy right there. In the sense of, although this is not therapy, we know that, but just me in the sense of how can we use different language to help our partners understand what's happening? So this is a moment where our nervous system says, this is kind of a dangerous moment. We're gonna shut down, we're going to freeze. And so that's not focused on connection, because when you're trying to protect yourself, you can't then possibly focus on someone else. But you can learn to do that because then we can learn emotion regulation strategies. We can learn to do that by ourselves, but we can also learn co regulation strategies, which is that we do it with our partners. So when I think about the hard wiring in our brain, then it's almost like, you know how to drive. You know, to drive in theory. But then when you're behind the wheel in your first snowstorm and the tires start to Skid. All the blood leaves your body and you forget what you learn and your body just takes over. And then afterwards you're like, I can't believe that almost happened. And I got out of that. So now it's like, how do we train our bodies to remain present and connected? How can we do this in a way so that we do create this sense of caring to our partner's presence with our partner and their needs? So before I go on, I want you to pause and ask yourself, what are the moments where I know my nervous system has just kicked into fight, flight, freeze or fun? What are the triggers? Do you know what it looks like to become dysregulated? I remember one client when we worked through this, this person described the rolling in at the shoulders and this was very much a freeze state for them. That was a cue for this person. They learned to roll. They learned to see like, oh, when are my shoulders rolled in? And then they were start to. They were able to start connecting that to what just happened that led my shoulders to roll in. I like to describe when I go into this fight or flight mode that I feel heat going from my toes to my fingertips. And that for me, I can experience that first and then I can notice what's going on around me. What was the trigger, what's just happening? Or even what's the story that I'm telling myself? By the way, this feels like a good part to just plug one of my free downloads. These are 10 questions to help you start challenging the stories and narratives that you tell yourself in your relationship. It's one of the key pieces for us to understand what we do. Because of course, one of the things we do is we get stuck into our own assumptions, our stories, our perceptions about ourselves and lovability about others, about the world. And this is part of the negative cycle we get stuck in in our relationship. So you can download that guide, it's Dr. Trt.com forward/assumption and check it out, see what you think of the questions. Ask yourself those questions and those hard moments to see if you can get stuck out of the tricky thought patterns that show up. Okay, the word attachment patterns, how we are attached to our partners came up in this question and I wanted to come back to because I know there's so much information online about attachment styles. I also have some really great podcast episodes about attachment styles. And I think it's important to remember that understanding attachment is just one of the ways we can look at ourselves. It's also not about blaming. It is More so about understanding our coping mechanism. This is. This part is key in times of distress, anxiety, or stress. Your attachment system is activated in times of stress. And we can do things, we can do physical things to help ourselves through that distress. Or we can also do mentalization pieces, which is in our mind. I. I love this piece with the kids right now where I give one of them a kiss on their hands, and then they give me a kiss on their hand. And we say, if you miss me today, just put your hand to your cheek, and I'm right there. You. And that is the internal representation of your secure base. And so this kiddo then can take their hand, put it to their cheek, and say, emma's thinking of me today. And that right there is that sense of safety. And we do that with our partners as well. I think about many of the times.

That I've been presenting, and I still feel anxiety before I present to someone in those moments, which, by the way, the anxiety is totally normal. That doesn't scare me anymore. It means I'm doing something really important. And I love doing sessions in front of corporations, in front of groups of people who are learning how to show up in their relationships differently, who are learning how to even be a team in a more connected way in their workplace. I've done some great sessions around that. But before doing any kind of presentation, I hold some of those words that Greg's has shared with me before, and they often sound like, you're doing something so important, you have so much to contribute here. You belong here. They're just really powerful. So when we think about our connection with our partners, that's what we want to look for. All that to say, let's think about what we tend to do if we are more avoidant, if we're higher on avoidant strategies, or if we're higher on anxious strategies. So here's the thing. People who are higher on avoidance, and I'm intentionally not categorizing right now, you can. You can listen to that in another podcast episode. But for someone who is higher in avoidance, what that means is you deactivate. That's a coping strategy. So you pull inward, and that's how you feel safe. And that being needed can feel threatening or overwhelming. And I love how Stan Tatkin talks about avoidant versus anxious, and he uses the island and the wave. Someone who is more avoidant in their attachment style is going to be more of an island. They are good on their own. And when the wave comes in, it can feel overwhelming. It can feel like too much. And so when they are stressed they attune inward. That inward experience is overwhelming. And so then they go offline and they shut down. This is in contrast to then someone who's higher on anxiety and also too this is something that I cover inside be connected. I have a whole lesson on attachment styles. And if you are someone who is more anxiously attached, when you are stressed, anxious or distressed, you're going to reach for closeness but you end up getting caught in self doubt. So you reach for the other person. You. One of the words we use in research is hyperactivate. So you make that need to be soothed louder and you reach for the person and you say are you there for me? Can you hear me? I need you. I need you. I need you. And if that person's not there with you, then that can feel even more distressing and alarming. There are also people who have high anxiety and high avoidance. And these are people who really want you to be close, close. But then when they feel you getting closer it feels dangerous. So they withdraw and push you away. And that can feel really confusing for people. But it is that kind of push pull experience that somebody has. So when it comes to avoidant to attachment styles, I think it's just really important for people to remember that the way you learn to cope is not about whether you care for somebody. It's actually about a coping mechanism that you learned early on. It's a survival mode. But in this relationship it might not actually foster the intimacy that you're looking for and instead it might end up fueling distance between you and your partner. As a therapist, I see how many people struggle, especially this time of year. My clients often increase their sessions because the emotional load rises and getting support becomes essential. But for so many, the biggest barrier isn't wanting therapy. It's finding the right therapist at the right time at the the price that doesn't feel impossible. That's why I'm such a fan of rula. Telehealth has made therapy more accessible, but Rula takes it a step further. 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That's R-U-L-A.com Tracy for convenient quality therapy that's actually covered by insurance and when they ask where you heard about them, please let them know it was from the show. It helps us continue to bring you these conversations and resources you rely on. You deserve care that fits your life, your needs and your schedule. Rula can help you take that first step that Partner.

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I want to shift now to talk about what your partner is really saying and I think this is where we can go underneath what someone is expressing to you and to start see some of the softer emotions and needs. Because oftentimes when people say things like you don't care for me, it can feel hard to take that in. Because of course naturally our defensiveness, our defensive side would say, yes, I do. Of course I care for you, but I always want to know what's underneath this for someone. What is this really about? The first thing I hear is that your husband likely feels lonely and disconnected. And when we can start hearing that underneath what they're saying, instead of someone saying, you didn't text me, I'm just, I'm gonna make this example up. So instead of your husband saying so I don't have a specific example, but your husband say says, or your partner says, whoever it is says, you didn't text me. You don't care for me. I hear something so much deeper underneath that I hear I am feeling unloved, I am feeling lonely, I'm feeling not thought of. It is Such a different way of reframing this experience. And it's actually a way that brings someone closer. Can you imagine your partner coming to you and saying to you, you were late today? And I imagine there was so much the office that pulled you back. And this is one of those moments where I feel really alone, and I know that's not what you're trying to do. And this emotion feels really hard for me. And what I need in these moments is for you to send me a message and to try really hard to be home at the time you say you're going to be home. That is such a different way of framing this than someone saying you relate and it feels like you don't care about me. And I really wanted to offer that reframe because I know sometimes in our partnerships, we're trying to communicate to the other person, and we do this very common thing, which is is it feels like you. That is not a feeling. And it doesn't bring me closer to you when you say it that way, because you're talking about me. And in therapy, I'm often saying to people, I think you're saying something really important right here, and I want to know what that is. I want to know what you're feeling inside. Could we actually pause for a moment? You've just said to your partner, I feel like you don't care for me. Can you go inside and tell me what's the actual feeling in here? What's that? And yes, I know you're not in therapy with your partner at home, but as you're listening, ask yourself, do I actually share my feelings with my partner? Do I tell them what it's like inside to be me? Or do I focus on them rather than helping them to understand who I am, what my feelings are, and how I experience the world? And these are such powerful shifts that's going to help you bring your partner closer to you. So the both end in here is that anytime we communicate to our partners, it is an opportunity to see it as a bid for connection. That's what we're trying to do. We're saying, can you come to me? Can you be beside me? Can you be close with me? And if our partners happen to communicate it in ways like, I feel like you don't care for me, see if you can hear it differently. See if you can hear it as a, I want to feel closer to you, that is going to make all the difference in how you can start connecting the two of you. And something that I just love reminding couples is that connection is such a privilege and that your partner actually wants to know you. That's a pretty powerful thing. All right, we're here at the part where I want to give you a few things to actually create change. So we've created understanding. We're understanding that two things can be true. That you are a caring partner that values your relationship and there are these moments that hurt your partner. But there's a difference between your intention and your impact. That the people who are more avoidant tend to go inside themselves. And these are self protection modes. They are not conscious ways of creating distance. They are not conscious ways of leading your partner to not feel important. This is about self protection. And then we need to learn how to regulate ourselves in these moments. Okay, here are some things that you can start practicing today. I'm making them small bite size. And I need you to know this is not a fix up. Well, this is a starting point. First, let's acknowledge that you need to practice getting present. When we slow things down, when we learn to be present, this is where we can start hearing what our partners are saying and we can start then reflecting it back to them and being in their experience in order to do that. This is like running a marathon. You don't show up on race day expecting yourselves to run that many kilometers. Instead you're training for it. So find an exercise that's going to help you learn to be present and connected within yourself. My go to strategy is 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I intentionally do it in the shower, brushing my teeth or when you're in the car. Because this is about creating connection to the present moment using all of your senses. So five, five things you see. Intentionally look around and see them. Name them out loud. For example, right now, I see the podcast light going up and down. I see my water bottle. I see my phone. I piece of paper. Four, four things you can touch and actually touch them. I'm noticing the texture of my shirt. I'm noticing the texture of my pants of the chair. Maybe if you're driving the steering wheel. If you're in the shower, what the soap actually feels like. Three, three things you can hear. What do you hear? As I'm recording, I've actually can hear that my kiddos have just walked in the door. I don't know if you can hear Greg's feet stomping. Two, two is what do I smell or taste? What's in my mouth? I can taste my, my, my. My toothpaste. Can't find my words. My toothpaste. And then one slow, deep breath. That's about you practicing getting present every single day. And do it in a time where you're stacking these exercises so you can do it while you're brushing your teeth, in the car, in the shower, or you do it in transition points. I also love taking six breaths. Six breaths is about two minutes when you can go in and out for six. So in for six, six. And then nice and slow. Out for six, in and out through your nose. And we all have time for six slow breaths. So remember, you need to practice this. You're showing up on race day having already trained the second thing. Start naming the pattern out loud. You can say, I see that I tend to go inward. I want to work and stay open. And I think naming this out loud lets your partner know that you see their experience. But you're also saying, I'm having an internal experience along with naming things out loud. I also encourage people to do a little bit of narration. And narration could sound like you're coming to me with something really important and I'm hearing you right now. I want to understand this and I think I need a minute to understand it. Or you say, I'm trying to understand. Can I ask more questions about it? That's you naming out loud. Okay, let's go to number three. Use a daily care prompt. So first you need to ask your partner, how do you feel cared for? What is it that I would do each day? Now a lot of times what happens in relationships is that people, they share the thing and they're like, yep, that's good. Got it. Okay, I can do it. This is possible. It's small. Yeah, I can do that. And then nothing happens. Nothing happens. And that's where that frustration comes in. That's where the resentment comes in. That's where that message of you don't care for me comes in. So take a risk with your partner today and say, how can I show you love? And in a small visible way, every single day, some ideas might be a check and text. It might be physical touch. It might be asking about their day or connection. These are all of these moments that are like the foundation of your house and you need them. It's kind of like just the base levels of filling up your buckets of connection. Now here's the level that I want you to go to. You're going to schedule it. You're going to either set a timer on your phone every day your timer goes off at 2:50. Cuz you know you're moving from One meeting to the next, you pick up your phone, turn off the timer, and you send your partner the text. Text in that moment. Or you stack it with one of your other routines. If you're making dinner or your partner's making dinner, you go into the kitchen and touch their arm. That becomes the new ritual. Or anytime you sit down on the couch beside them, you give them a squeeze and sit down right next beside them so your legs are touching. That's where you want to start putting in these ways of showing you care. I wish I had more examples, by the way, around what your partner says they need around caring. Because I really think this is going to look different for everybody. And by the way, some people really appreciate using love languages as something to have this conversation of. Like, how do you feel loved? And remembering too that love languages are just one way to talk about this. But it's this entry point into. Is it when you give me words of affirmation, is it physical touch together? Is it quality time, acts of service? Is it gifts? And gifts is not about like this grand big thing. But it's just this. I got this thing because I was thinking about you. And here's the coffee that I know you like so much. Okay, for this one, please don't discount this one. And I know this one is really hard and it often sounds like therapy speak. Greg and I talk about this a lot. How I say to people, you need to pause. And he, his response is always, what do you want me to do in that? Pause. Yes. Pausing, because it gives you a chance to first not react or withdraw or go down that familiar pathway in your brain. But you take a breath and you notice, notice what's happening inside of me. And you notice where do I automatically want to go? And you can ask yourself, am I going into self protection mode? Or can I find a way to connect with my partner and take a different road? And connecting with your partner in those moments while you're slowing things down might feel really hard and uncomfortable. And maybe that might feel that way for a long time, but it starts to feel more familiar as you travel down that road. Okay. Okay. Number five, again, these are just some ideas. I hope you can start practicing them. Actually, I'm gonna reframe that statement and I'm gonna say, choose one. Don't do them all. Don't write all of them down. Just choose one. Come back to the episode and listen to it again later. Just choose one. So here's the other one. This one I think is really important because I don't want people to walk away from. It's my hope, rather, it's my hope that you don't walk away from this podcast episode with the intention that you're going to be perfect and partners who feel that your partner doesn't care for you. You have to remember your partner's not going to be perfect. Oh, it's so messy. Relationships are tough and it's about every day choosing to grow together. So practice repairing without shame. When you miss the moment, it's not if you miss the moments, it's when. When you miss the moment. You can try saying, that wasn't what I wanted to do. Can I try again? Or that wasn't how I wanted to show up. Can I try again? And here's the piece. If you're the partner who doesn't feel cared for and you're listening to this episode, you have to be willing to say yes. You have to be willing to accept their mistake. And this isn't the all or nothing where they're doing this all the time and behavior and words don't match. That's not that we're not talking about abusive, manipulative, gaslighting relationships. We're talking about the partnerships where your person is in this with you and is trying. You have to allow them to make mistakes. Mistakes and not be perfect and to keep going back to it and to keep saying, ah, I need this. This doesn't feel good. I'm feeling lonely. Can we connect? Can we be close? And as long as your partner is in there trying with you, then that's the way forward to grow. And this last one, I think is really important because sometimes what we struggle with is we get stuck in focusing on things that are not happening rather than focusing on the wins. And when we think about relationships, if we are constantly seeing all the times our partner misses us, we aren't going to feel close. We will never feel close. But instead, we want to start celebrating the moments where you do feel close, the moments where you came together. I think of the story that I told you at the beginning of the podcast episode. And the next night was a chance to do it over. And I did. The next night I reached for Greg. I knew I hadn't reached for him the night before. And so then the next day I did. And it felt different and it felt better, and it was a choice that was aligned with what was important to me. And I had slowed it down to see what I did in that moment then. So together we were able to say, hey, we had this Moment. That was really nice. Let's celebrate that. So practice reflecting when you are engaged and ask your partner to intentionally come to you and share the moments when you do care for them, them. And so let's just remember that every time you choose to be present with your partner, instead of choosing to self protect, it's a moment that rewires how you are relating to them. And that's definitely worth celebrating. All right, let's wrap up. I want to emphasize just how hard this work is and just how much partners often show up in these hard moments. It can sometimes be like our two inner children are fighting each other or maybe our two inner teenagers. And if you haven't yet, go back and listen to the healing inner child episode. I really like that one because I think for so many of us, we show up into our relationships. Well, I know. I don't think. I know. We show up into our relationships with these unhealed wounds and we start repeating patterns and so sometimes what ends up happening. And I can remember working with this with a couple where one person says, it's like, you never care for me. And part of the work was for their partner who did tend to shut down more, having to stay. I'm trying my best. I'm trying my best. And it's like, you don't let me in and you don't see me. And that was part of the work that they had to do in their relationship and that this person specifically had to learn to risk and open up more to that person to let them in. That's the vulnerability. That's both people stepping on the relational dance floor. So while you're doing this work, remember that we need so much compassion. I also love the idea of bringing compassion to our nervous systems when they go offline or when we show up with our old coping mechanism. I promise you that compassion helps you to change more than criticism. And so many people show up in my therapy room with this critical voice that says, can't believe I'm still struggling with this, or I can't even believe I'm having a hard time with this or why can't I just change? This is so annoying. Instead shifting to I'm not there yet, or sometimes I use these old coping mechanisms I love using sometimes and yet, yet as a compassionate way to help us change and thanking our nervous systems, being able to say, thank you, nervous system for showing up with me in this moment and telling me that this is one of those old moments that doesn't feel safe. And here I am. I can bring kindness and compassion to myself to make a different choice today. All right, I would love to hear from you. What'd you think of today? How did we do? I think this is a really big question, but something that I know so many of us can relate to. When we have good intentions to be with our partner and to want to care for them, but then our old patterns take over and stop us from showing up in the way that we want to. So we want to be able to look at our own insight. We want to look at the choices that we're making and to actually move that into action. And that's going to create change. And remember, remember how hard change is because is it takes time. It takes repeatedly trying something new. So start small. You can do something today. I'd love to hear from you. Send me a dm. Let me know what's that one small thing you're going to do today to reach for your partner, to let them know that you care about them. All right. If you're in that in between space, if you're feeling like you have some insight and awareness but you're not sure how to actually shift, you might be ready to join me in my relationship program. Be Connected. It's my online program. We are in year six of running this program. It has been amazing to see the thousands of people who have joined me in it who are using the videos, guides and scripts, the coaching calls that all help you make real, meaningful change so you can toss the resentment so you can feel like a team again and overall feel closer and more connected with your partner. I give you the skills and tools I teach my clients every single day in my therapy room because I also know that at times it's hard to access a therapist or at the timing or how difficult it is. But you can find all the details on my website, drtracyd.com forward/join we made it. Thank you for being here. This was fun. I'd love to hear from you. If you have a question, you can send it to me. Drtracity.com forward/podcast if if you know someone who would benefit from this podcast episode, I would be so grateful if you shared it and I would be grateful if you left me a review. Click the stars or click subscribe so you'll always be notified when a new podcast episode comes out. And this is also a way that supports the podcast and helps people like you to also tune in. All right, as always, thank you for being here. You are right where you need to be and I will See you next time. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider.