Why In-Law Visits Can Break the Couple Bond and How to Stay a Team

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Hey, it's Dr. Tracy and today I want to talk about something that many couples feel but rarely have the words for. It's that moment when you walk into your in laws home and suddenly your partner, the grounded, thoughtful, present, attuned person that you know, disappears a little. Maybe they go quiet. Maybe they become overly agreeable. Maybe they avoid conflict like the plague. They disengage, they go on their phone. Or they revert into this old rule. Maybe it's the peacekeeper, the fixer. Or they keep the harmony child and you're left thinking, where did my partner just go and why am I suddenly doing this alone? Here's what I want to emphasize. You're not imagining this and you're not overreacting. There's something very real happening underneath it and we're going to talk about it here on today's from the Couch conversation. Here's the thing. Most conversations about in laws focus on their behaviors, their criticism, the boundary crossing, the subtle digs, the comparisons, the scapegoating. The scapegoating. And yes, those things absolutely matter. They hurt, they destabilize you and they impact your marriage. But that's not the deepest cut in here. And this is what I'm seeing time and time again with couples. And it's really the foundation of My book, you, your husband and his mother. Or it could be with you and your family, whoever you're doing this system with. But here's the deepest piece here. The unspoken issue is this. Your partner loses their self the moment they step back into their family system. For people who are listening, I am pointing to my whole body. I am just. It's like, it's like, who is this person? Because each person in a relationship has their own thoughts, feelings, opinions, desires, wishes and values. They're autonomous, they're separated, they're independent, they come together with you, you feel like you're a team. But then when they lose themselves in your family event, you lose your teammate. And that's the part that is so painful for so many couples. It's not just the in law dynamic, but it's the erosion of us, of the connection that you have worked so hard to build. I want to hear from you. Have you been able to label this with your partner? Have you noticed that this happens? That you go to your in laws place and suddenly they're back into that role? You're confused why they aren't speaking up. They no longer have boundaries. You talked about the boundary before you went and then you're there and they go silent. This is a common pain point that shows up for so many of the couples. I work in my therapy room and let me just plug this here. If you haven't yet, be sure to grab my my new book, you, your husband and his mother. It's helping couples. I have so many great reviews already. I've heard from so many people who have shared. This book is making a difference for them. So let's slow this down and make sense of it and talk about why it happens. Growing up, we all learn roles that help us survive in our family environment. I list out 10 inner child wounds that show up in my book. This is in chapter three. It's actually one of my favorite chapters. But here are some roles that we commonly see that people play. We've got the good kid. We have the helper. We have the joker. We have have the peacemaker. We have the golden child. These rules worked when we were children. They reduced conflict. They kept us emotionally safe. They helped us stay connected to the people we depended on. But here's the thing. Your nervous system doesn't have a time stamp. It doesn't know if you're a 35 year old adult with a mortgage and kids. It just recognizes familiar cues in the environment. Which is why when we enter back into the family home, more likely than if we were meeting outside the family home, this is why we then automatically shift into those old survival patterns. You get pulled right back into that old role. And it's not because your partner doesn't love you. And it's not because they're choosing their parents over you. And it's not because they're intentionally trying to hurt you, but because a younger version of themselves is taking the wheel and driving the bus. And that version doesn't know how to stay present with you as your partner. And here's the thing. I want to sit in this with you for just a moment because if you're that partner and you're watching this unfold, it's incredibly disorienting, orienting. It's like you're sitting at the table and you agreed the boundary would be to not make comments about bodies. And you're looking at your partner waiting for them to say something and they say nothing. It leaves you feeling unprotected or invisible or like you suddenly are on the outside of the relationship that you build. And you might even walk away thinking, why didn't he speak up for me? Why am I the only one holding the line? And why do I feel like an outsider in this family system? I want you to hear this. The pain that you feel, it makes sense. I know that so many people go to their partners trying to share this with them, and their partners say, don't be ridiculous. That's not what's happening. You're of course you're my person. I just want you to hear this for me. You're not supposed to navigate this alone. And nothing is wrong with you for wanting to feel like you are still a team when you leave your home and show up at somebody else's house. But you can move forward. And this is the great piece, is that when couples can start to name this pattern, when they can see it for what it is, everything begins to shift. So the goal isn't why aren't you defending me? Or why didn't you choose me over them. The goal actually becomes, and this is so important because I want us to shift our goals to this. The goal is how do we stay us when we're with them? And that's a completely different conversation. Here are some of my go to questions that you can think about or ask with your partner. 1. What role do you tend to fall into around your family? And you might even do this together. I'd strongly recommend the questions I have in chapter three in my book. So one question, second question. What makes it hard to stay grounded when we visit your family. Third question what do you need from me to help you stay connected to you? Fourth question how do we show up as a team even in a small way? I think of this one couple who really wanted to set boundaries with his mother and every time they came to do it it just wasn't coming out. And in reality I think they also both knew that she wasn't going to change. These generational There were sex based comments of how girls and boys I talked about this one in the book shouldn't do certain things and it was so grating on both of them. But they would learn to give each other the shoulder squeeze or if they were sitting side by side one of them would put their hand on each other. They change the topic and get really playful. And it worked. It worked for them to model then what it means for us to be connected and to focus on our partnership and these little things can create such a big impact. If you're looking for more help on how to have these conversations with your partner, check out my book or check out my coaching session options. I'll put those in the show notes for this episode, but I want to leave you with this. The next time you're heading into the in Law dynamic that feels complicated, I want you to both pause together, even just for two three slow breaths and ask what does staying us look like today? And this is a single moment of intention that can bring you back to the same team even in a system that once pulled you apart. And if this resonated for you, I want you to know you're not alone. So many couples navigate this exact tension and it's something that I dive into so much more in my challenges and in my Be Connected membership. You can log into my relationship program and use my ask Dr. Tracy AI. This is a chat that is trained on all of my teachings so that you are not getting some random response, but instead it comes from my work and how I work with people. You can ask for scripts for either your partner. You can ask how to bring this topic up. You can ask for scripts with your mother in law so be sure to check that out. I've got the link in the show notes, but you can also check out my free relationship quiz because I know that so many people struggle to understand what is the negative cycle you're getting into and we want to be able to see is your partner someone who tends to shut down. All right. I hope today's conversation helps you feel a little bit more understood and reminds you that you and your partner really can write a new pattern together. Thanks for clicking play and see you next time. As a therapist, I see how many people struggle, especially this time of year. My clients often increase their sessions because the emotional load rises and getting support becomes essential. But for so many, the biggest barrier isn't wanting therapy. It's finding the right therapist at the right time at the price that doesn't feel impossible. That's why I'm such a fan of Rula. Telehealth has made therapy more accessible, but Rula takes it a step further. Their mission is to make high quality mental health care easy and affordable for everyone. And they've removed so many of the barriers that normally hold people back. Here's what you need to know. Rula takes most major insurance plans and sessions often average just $15, sometimes even zero, depending on your benefits. They partner with over 15,000 licensed therapists and psychiatrists, giving you real options and a genuine chance to find the right fit. Plus, their providers are carefully vetted and Rula stays with you through the process, making sure you're getting the support and progress you need. Getting started is simple. Rula asks a few questions and then matches you with in network therapist based on your needs and preferences. And what I love is that you can schedule right away, sometimes as soon as the next day. So if you've been thinking, I know I need support, but I just don't know where to start. This is your moment. Go to rula.com Tracy to get started. That's R U L A.com Tracy for convenient quality therapy that's actually covered by insurance. And when they ask where you heard about them, please let them know it was from the show. It helps us continue to bring you these conversations and resources you rely on. You deserve care that fits your life, your needs and your schedule. Rula can help you take that first step.