Why Men Get Stuck in Relationship Narratives

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Hey, welcome to this week's episode of Dear Dr. Tracy. It's not Dr. Tracy, it's Greg, her husband. I've stolen the mic 'cause I wanted to talk to you and maybe you can send this to your husband or your boyfriend as a follow-up to the podcast we did this week on stories and narratives. And I thought it'd be kind of cool to hear a little different perspective on kind of how we get stuck in the stories we tell ourself. So here's what I want you to know. I'm not talking to you here to pile on, to be sanctimonious or tell you to change how you're doing, 'cause you know what? I've been there, still am, stuck, avoidant, doing all the things. So one of the things I tend to get stuck in is I really get stuck holding this narrative or this story that is outdated. So in my example, I love to go dirt biking, I like to play golf, maybe you like to hunt, fish, fish, whatever. Maybe shit that takes a long time to do. We have small kids. I would wait to ask my wife, not ask, ask the wrong word, but to talk to her about it, bring it up at the last minute, and then get pissed off when she was upset that I was going. So this happened a couple times. Cell phone, shouldn't have done it that way, but here we are. So then what happens is I hold on to that narrative that every single time that I go and talk to her about doing this activity, That's what's gonna happen. I got stuck in the same thing. So what was happening though is I was having kind of a relationship with the story and not her. Basically said another way, the data that I was using around my wife, frankly, was old. So think about your work for a second. Would you use data that was 5 years old? No, you always want the latest and more relevant information. But ironically, when it came to our relationship, I wasn't doing that. And guess what? I was getting the same shitty result because I would do this same thing. Or quite frankly, on the opposite, I wouldn't do anything. I would just wait, avoid, not ask, not do the things I want, you know, in air quotes, to keep the peace. But then guess what would happen? I wouldn't get to do the shit I'd want to do. So then I would get low-level resentment. I'm more of an avoider, so I wouldn't say much. I'd be quiet about it. Maybe for you, if you're not like that, you would get very angry and more outwardly angry. But maybe it's the same kind of thing that, that led you to it. What I realized over time is it was kind of boring. It was the same shit was happening, the same cycle was happening. And I wasn't getting to do what I wanted to do. But then you could tell it was impacting my wife. And listen, she's a clinical psychologist. So she's very in tune with that. But your wife doesn't need to be a psychologist, she'll know. And then they get kind of annoyed and bored with you. And then we sit there and wonder maybe why our sex life isn't where it is that we want it to be. Because it's this type of thing. And I think it can breed, you know, resentment from our end, probably breeds resentment from their end, and then we don't get to do the things we want to do. So why do we do this? Well, I think a couple things. If you're like me, you like things quickly, you want an answer now. The old script is faster, and then bracing for the no or trying to control the outcome. If feels like control. Said another way, a bad answer you can see coming beats not knowing. It's that control piece. Maybe it's a bit of ego, and that's totally normal. Negative sticks, let's be honest. I mean, there's so many different examples. You hear negative things, they stick to your brain far, far more frequently than the positive things. So those few times in the beginning where I was slow to ask, or I wasn't considerate how I asked to go biking, that framed my narrative of this interaction with my wife. And here's the other thing. I said earlier, you want to kind of have the latest data. Sometimes the most recent interaction or data, for lack of a better term, with your wife, it's kind of shitty. It's worse. But here's what I want you to remember. It doesn't change the move. That's still a story. You still need to check it. Is that always going to be the case? So here's the one thing that Tracy said to me that cracked it open for me. She's like, I'm dating my story or I'm in a relationship with my story instead of the person. And it kind of made sense, right? So in my example, I was in relation to this narrative that I had, and I think it happened over and over again. And so it wasn't to communicate more. You'll hear this generic advice, just communicate more, talk to your wife, that kind of thing. That doesn't necessarily work if you're stuck kind of in this same interaction with— stuck using this data point or framework to then communicate with your wife, because you're going to be communicating based on that old data, for lack of a better term. So here's the other thing she said that kind of makes a lot of sense, and I'll reframe it to you here too, is like when you're going into these interactions or you start this back and forth, try and catch the story. So try and catch yourself thinking about what information you're using to make that decision. Doesn't come intuitive, it's not natural. I'm gonna get it wrong all the time and you might do the same. And one thing you can do if you need a little bit more time is use a phrase like, tell me more. You know, or am I missing something? That just gives you this breathing space. Because if you know, if your wife's coming back at you, it's really easy to default back to this old script. So here's something simple I'd leave you with. And wives or girlfriends, if you're listening to this, I'd love for you to send this to your partner, your husband. Next time you're so sure how you'll react, just check yourself. What's the story you're telling yourself? And when did you actually check that story? How dated is it? And try and just slow down and think a little bit about like, is this based on recent information or recent conversation we had? Or am I going back to the 10 times we've kind of got into a sticky point about whatever the case would be? Now listen, I haven't figured this out. I still, you know, don't dirt bike or play golf as much as I want. You know, we've got family things, but it's about how we communicate this. And I also really wanna be clear too, this is not about asking permission. This is just about how can you work through some of these stuck points in your relationship. I'm using this example in terms of like an activity I want to do, but it could be around family, in-laws, how you navigate that. It could be around time with your buddies, solo time. It could be around finances. It could be around, you know, how you manage the kids and who does what. I'm just using this as an example. It's kind of the same idea. We're always going to kind of have these scripts or stories that we hold of our partner. And I think, let's be honest too, like we're consuming a lot of content. There's, you know, our brains are on fire all the time, you know, so it's really easy to kind of get almost like short-circuited a bit. Like we don't slow down and think about, you know, what's happening and what's the latest version, what's the reality. We get so quick to just react. And I think that reaction is a function of these stories we've told. So I don't know if you, if you're looking for some help, Dr. Tracy Dalgleish has this free guide. It's 10 Questions to Challenge Your Perceptions, your assumptions and perceptions. That's therapy speak for here's something you can do to understand the story you're telling yourself. So I hope this helped. Send it to your husband or partner. It's a quick hit, but slow down, think about the scripts that you're telling yourself and how can you update those so you can have better outcomes with your, your partner and do the things you wanna do both individually and a couple. Cuz I think this is a good way to, to help that move along. Anyways, thanks for letting me riff a bit. It's super uncomfortable for me to do that. This is not my area of expertise, but I thought I'd add a little bit of a perspective from a guy's standpoint after the conversation Tracy and I had on the podcast last week. If you haven't checked that out, it is live in her feed. The Hidden Stories Creating Conflict in Relationship. All right, peace. Thanks for joining. Thank you.