Why Repair Has to Come Before Reconciliation

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Hey, it's Dr. Tracy and I have a question from you. It says, Dear Dr. Tracy, currently in a very difficult situation with my partner and his parents. I feel deeply let down by my partner. Postpartum almost 1.5 years ago, where his parents overstepped lots of boundaries, complained about basic hygiene and no kissing our little one. I'm going to start right there. Of course you and your partner are going to have boundaries and there's going to be a change. This is a transition in your relationship and as you all show up to this for the first time. It does get sticky. I just want to normalize this here that so many people tell me that when they have a child, they this is the moment that things change with extended family members. And of course, because here you are in this moment, you need more care, your needs and wishes change. And now your boundaries are also likely going to change as a result of that. So you go on to say, my mother in law even managed to put me down for telling her I was.

Not okay with her having a photo.

With my boob in it on her phone. Ouch. Okay, you know, no, we do not need to have your boob on someone else's phone. And you are totally okay to say, please don't have that on me. It's a interesting. When I think of people's negative reactions to our boundaries, I often think of how it triggers their insecurity and that they can't hold this space of being able to say, this is not about me. I am not a bad person. This is them and their wish. That requires a lot of awareness and reflection and insight. And when someone gets upset by these boundaries, it says more about them than it does about you. And remember too, I think this is so important in our world of speaking about boundaries is that you're allowed to set those boundaries around you. But I think it's really important to recognize that others aren't always going to like them. And whether you have this conversation ahead of time or after baby is born, we can expect other people to be upset about it because they're not getting exactly what they want. And you having limits can feel really hard for some people. I also wish if there's one thing that I could wish, I wish every couple could have the conversation that I give them in step two of my vault method. In my book, you, your husband and his mother, because that gives you this list of questions that you can have these conversations ahead of time. Now this doesn't mean that family is not upset by your boundaries that you set ahead of time. So things like visitors at the hospital, kissing little one photo sharing, all those things. But when you can at least have that ahead of time, people can have time apart without baby being here, have their hard feelings and then come back together. It's not a guarantee, but I think, you know, sometimes having those conversations ahead of time. Okay, so you go on to say a lot of rude comments and jabs and trying to control us in choices like baptism or not. Oh, I'm so sorry. And I think part of here I just want to emphasize this point is that you feel deeply let down by your partner postpartum. I want to add here that it's almost like you all got into this car and you drove to this point and you had a baby and you all drove to this point and you're arriving for the first time. And I say this intentionally because I, your partner, might not have known all of these things. I'm not excusing that you've been hurt in your pain. In fact, I am sitting in that with deep empathy and compassion at how painful this time is and how much protection you, you needed. And I also know that I've worked with so many couples where a lot of men say, I didn't know and I wish I could go back. And just holding that in mind means that you can now plan moving forward. We can't go back. We didn't know what we didn't know. Now we know, and now we have to plan to go forward. So I just want to hold that in. Okay, so now you say my father in law now wants to talk to his son about the situation. And it feels like we are starting in the wrong end. I need repair between my partner and I and for us to build a safe foundation before trying to repair his parents. How do we navigate this? I feel traumatized and I get very dysregulated when we discuss these things. We have been to some couples counseling, but my partner really is not motivated at the moment. Wow. Please send help. Okay. I am sending help. I see you and I know that this is such a painful place because of course, after having a child, when you've committed yourselves to your relationship, relationship, you want the strong we. And we don't ask to have this conflict with our extended family members, but instead we want to be in connection and we envision family happening in a certain way. And we need your partner to be on board with you because if they're not on board, then based on what I've seen of so many people, is that it just spirals and gets worse. And I say to men, if you don't do anything, you are part of the problem. And I. You love your partner and I know you love your parents and you've got to be part of moving this forward together. So here's my recommendation. First, you need to have a strong marriage. And to do that, I'm going to tell you, please purchase my new book. It's been out for almost three months. Is it still new? It's still new. Grab my book. Because the first part is all about insight. The second part is a system to walk you through how to get to this place where you can have an action plan at the end.

Okay.

But I want to acknowledge that your nervous systems are firing and the goal is to find safety and connection first. What does that look like? It looks like for some time, parking. Any goals? Maybe this is just. I can't tell you exactly what to do, but this is where I would recommend someone to go, is that you can then decide how are we creating play and safety in our relationship during this time? We have to show up as the united front. It's so important. Is this about playing games together at night? Is it about putting the family stuff on pause so you can nurture each other? And then I think there's this element in here where you have to sit in this conversation around witnessing and seeing each other. I do this in lesson six and seven and be connected in my relationship program. This is about walking you through an emotional validation conversation. I do it step by step so you can actually do it. And then in lesson seven, this is my how to return to a hard conversation. Because your partner has to hear the impact that they've had on you. They need to hear this in order to move forward. And not in a way of upping the ante and it's one sided and all the things, but in a way of how do I build understanding for the pain that you are in and not me taking it personally, but us moving forward together as a team. So, yes, you need to look after the two of you first. And the reason for this as a foundational piece is because here's what happens with step two. So in the best outcome, he goes and he meets with his dad and they both say, oh my, you know, we've been really stuck. Hey, this hasn't really been the way that we've wanted it to be. And how are we going to move forward? I've had some hurts. Oh, yeah, I see your hurts. Yep. You know, my wife has been hurt. Can you and mom recognize that? Best case scenario, your parents take ownership and accountability. You all come together and find a way to move forward. I know that many people unfortunately can't do that. I always hope that family members can show up in this way and I know often so many do not. So then what does that mean? Unfortunately, some of these conversations end up happening where your husband then is being pulled back into the family system. It's like the matrix going right back into the matrix. And dad comes into the conversation and says, now listen here, son, this is the way we do it in our family. And we show up like this and we all arrive here at this and we do this and we don't speak to mom like this. Power, control, rigidity. Oh, that just is really heavy. And it doesn't protect the bond of the relationship. It keeps you stuck in that hierarchy of family. And now what has to unfold is the recognition of there's actually two families coming together. And with two families you have to co create together and find a way to move forward. And your partner then has to be able to sit with his family to be able to say, there's two roads here, one depending on who they are. Can he sit in that conversation and say, listen, the way you've treated my wife is not okay. She's hurt, I'm hurt. And I need us to move forward and I also need you both to recognize that that's not okay. And then maybe they can and maybe there's an apology. Oftentimes it sounds like this, hey, we've been stuck and there have been some hurts on both sides and we need to find a way to move forward. And I think it's also important that your husband gets this place of being able to say, there have been comments and hurtful things that have been said to my wife and that is not okay. Again, I think this is the hard piece because when you send me the question and then I'm asking him to do the thing, sometimes it helps to hear it from me. But if he's not in this, then it's like, well, then where do I go? So now let me answer that part because that's the third piece here is where do you go? So if you could, would love for both of you to do this work together. And I know that it really is the requirement of a safe place. If you're looking for support, please don't hesitate to reach out with me for this one. I have coaching available for people. I don't have a ton of spots left, but I've got a few spots that I could see you if you're struggling in this, I always say to people, please don't wait for longer, please don't wait too long. But here's the other thing that I want you to know is that for you, it's about finding what your boundaries are, what I am, and I'm okay with moving forward. How do I then want to show up and what is it that I need? So this might be a point for you to consider them moving forward. What is it that I need from my partner? How will I know that we are safe and in a good spot and only you can answer that. Is that something that he can say to his family? Is that something about how connected and repaired you have both been? Is that about maybe even feeling okay if. And again, these are all just options for people to do. But is that where you're okay with him taking child to family without you there? Or is it about you all going together in a neutral space, whatever that looks like, but to get there, I think there's this piece here of you working through the impact that has been on you, so doing your own processing so it doesn't eat away and take away from you. And then on that second piece is you then really becoming a strong, solid team. All right, I know this one. So many people are going to deeply resonate with this. And I also come to mind Janelle's story and what we talked about in the podcast episode. So if you haven't listened to that, I'll link in the show notes because that is a story and I'll let Janelle's episode tell the story itself. But Janelle shares the story of her husband setting boundaries and standing up for her. And that is something that is so important for couples to do and for you to be a partnership. And again, recognizing, here's the thing, I think we need to understand that we're not. And, and maybe, maybe this is a tricky piece for us to walk in, but we can't change them. You can't make others change. You can make requests about, you know, how you speak to me or how you show up request, please don't kiss little one. We can also have kind of these limits and expectations which is like we speak respectfully to other and kindly to each other and then we also have boundaries, which is I'm going to end the visit when you name call me or we're going to get up and leave and you need to have those things in place to help protect you through this time. All right. Thank you for sending your question. If you have a question for me to answer here on the podcast, I've got the link in the show notes for you. Go check it out.

I love hearing from you.

Send me your question. Give as much detail as you need to for me to answer here. If you're looking for more support, check out my book. You, your husband and his mother. Create a healthy relationship with your mother in law and your spouse in five simple steps. The reviews have been fantastic. I have loved hearing how this is opening a conversation for other people. And that's what this is about. So you know, and I want you to know for sending this question in.

You are not alone in this.

And I know that this is such a painful place for so many women. All right, I will see you next time. Thanks for clicking Play. Don't forget to hit subscribe and I'll see you you soon. Remember, this is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider.