Why the Mental Load Feels So Unfair

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Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go-to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries, in-laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together, we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good. Hey, it's Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, and today I want to talk about one of those common experiences that shows up in our relationship, and it actually started on a regular Tuesday night. Maybe your Tuesday or weeknight looks like this. So I'm cleaning the kitchen counter and Greg is sitting on the couch. He's got his feet up, he's scrolling on his phone. He's not doing this maliciously, but I can feel something happening inside of me as he's made that choice and I've chosen to wipe the kitchen counters. It's not just about the counters though, it's actually about what's happening inside of me in that moment. I started thinking about running shoes. Now, if you are in the U.S., you know that you are thinking about shoes already for your kids back to school. For others in Canada and other places, our kids have just started the summer break. And here's the hang-up though, is that I have many weeks before I need to consider shoes. But I do remember once a client saying to me, if you want to make sure you get the size that you need, you have to buy shoes in July. Okay, so beginning of July, I'm thinking about running shoes, and then I start to think about what their backpack needs when they go back to school, and then I'm thinking about about the birthdays that are happening this summer, that I have to make sure I'm planning all of the gifts. And before I know it, I have 1,000 tabs that have reopened in my brain. And I look over at Greg, and he's just scrolling, and he has none of those tabs open. What I'm talking about here is actually one of the most researched issues in long-term relationships right now on the internet, and that is the mental load and emotional labor. And in that moment, I felt this tightness in my chest, this familiar feeling of, what is this? It just doesn't feel fair. So what I want to do in today's conversation is I actually want to go to something really important underneath the mental load conversation, because we need to understand what's happening between you and your partner that's either going to help you move forward or that's going to keep you stuck. And this is something that not many of us are actually talking about, and I think it's so important. But I want to first just really name what the experience is for so many people. Because I think as this term mental load has been used, a lot of couples struggle to actually understand what it is. And I think we need to first do that before we can look at this underneath piece in our relationships. So that's where we're going today. I remember early on in our marriage after having kids, this aha moment of the mental load and the emotional labor. And it wasn't something that was so loud, it was something really quiet. And truthfully, the term mental load wasn't used that much in 2015 after we had our first child. So the moment is that I was looking for Greg one day to start nap time. I was tracking nap times. I was doing all of the reading and the researching around how do I tell when my baby is in awake window and asleep window? How do I tell when I feed my baby? What's the best time to feed? You get the picture. And so in this moment, I'm searching the house up and down for Greg. Where is he? And my son, he's getting fussy. And so I decide, okay, you know what? I'm just going to put him down to sleep for his nap and then I will find Greg. So I get through nap time. I put him down. He would, must've been maybe even 6 weeks, not even. And then I go back into the living room and I'm still looking for Greg. And then I see him go by. He's got his earbuds in and he's got his rain boots on and he's outside pushing the lawnmower. Feed safety. Okay. So he's pushing the lawnmower and he's just. Really happy, pushing the lawnmower outside, beautiful sunny day. He comes inside and I say, hey, you left me with our son. And he said something that is so real for other parents, for dads. He said, I saw a window, so I went to go do this task. And the task that he did is something so visible. Someone can drive by and say, that's a person who cuts grass. Now, when you then think about the invisible pieces, like tracking a nap schedule, putting a child down for bedtime, or making sure there's enough formula or milk, breast milk out of the freezer, whatever that is, so that your child can have that food at that appropriate time, all of the things, those are all really invisible pieces. And in this moment, I remember saying to him that I'm the default parent, or as Eve Rodsky refers, the she-fault. And It was this aha moment for both of us because truthfully, I didn't even know that this was an experience. I had not understood what this meant. But in some unspoken capacity between the two of us, we agreed that he could leave me— again, unspoken, because I didn't agree to this— that he could leave me in charge. I'm using quotations, in charge of our son, and our son would be okay, and that I am there to do all of these other invisible tasks. And truthfully, his argument of, I saw a window, it made sense to go do this. Yes, of course I get that. And then at the same time though, there were all of these other tabs that were open in my head that he had no idea about, and I had not yet even communicated about it. And so I think there's this really important piece to recognize that initiating tasks, thinking about tasks, knowing when they need to be done, this is an element of invisibility. And it shows up even more when it comes to the tasks that are inside the home, that are managing our children and their wellbeing, and that also then managing the health, the emotional and relational health of a relationship. When's our next date night? When are we going to have time together? What babysitters are still on the roster? There are all of these things that are not visible, and that's what creates this exhaustion for so many women, because those are the things that are not seen.

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I remember this other time where Greg had said something, again, not a malicious statement, but he had said something like, "So just don't think about it." And that to me was this aha moment of, oh, You don't fully understand the consequence of me closing all those tabs and not thinking through all of these things. And if I think about those, then we would just be operating without any structure in our life. We would be operating with running out of diapers and not having meals planned or having the specific ketchup for our child for their chicken fingers, because that's the only combination of food they eat right now. And it's, I think, sometimes this really short-term fix between partners. And truly, because our partners are well-intentioned and they come to us and they say, well, just don't think about it, don't, don't, just close the tabs, don't stress yourself out about this. But they're missing the fundamental piece underneath this, which is that every task has elements where you do need to do planning and thinking and preparing and holding in mind all of the things that need to be done. And then there's this other piece that I commonly see couples bump up against, which is the just tell me how to help. And that was something that Greg and I really struggled with for a long time, is he would come to me and say, I know you're overwhelmed, I see that you're struggling with all of the things on your to-do list, so just tell me how to help. It's well-intentioned, I get it. And at the same time, as soon as one person says that, you have put the other person in the manager position. The problem in our long-term relationships is that we then fall into these roles that don't work for us. So that common role is the overfunctioner and the underfunctioner. And the underfunctioner says, just tell me what to do. But the overfunctioner grows exhausted, resentful, and equally so the underfunctioner grows resentful as well because they're being told all the time what to do. There's no autonomy. But that dynamic in a marriage leads people to also feel like they're in the mother-child role. And as soon as you enter into your partner's mother's role, intimacy and desire is completely off the table. And that's often why when I talk to couples about the mental load and navigating this as a team, it's because you do need to be two equals who both hold power, autonomy, and choice, because that's where desire lives. You can't ask your partner to be your mother throughout the day and then to be your great lover at night. Incredibly challenging to do that. So when it comes to this piece around saying, just tell me how to help, that's often not the long-term solution. It might be short-term, it might be a short-term fix. It still leaves one partner to be in the manager role, and that's exhausting. I remember one of the earlier moments where I first felt this deep sense of resentment, and I think that is what shows up for so many people in their relationships. And for me, it was similar to many of the women and couples that I work with in my therapy room around saying, I didn't sign up for this. And that's really where the title of my first book came from, is after sitting in front of mothers and couples continuously, repeatedly saying that to me. And there's so much— when I think about my first book, I wanted to initially write a book about resentment, and instead we wrote a book about the case studies of couples of just normal couples, everyday couples who have been trying to make their long-term relationships work. And there's something that we don't label underneath what's happening in this mental load dynamic, and that is that it is someone who has a nervous system who is constantly in the relationship who feels dysregulated and overwhelmed. And I want to reframe that because I think the key piece within this is that underneath that resentment, there's often this mix of emotions. Resentment is the combination of emotions that are going to erode at your relationship. So I talk about it as being a toxic emotion. And what then shows up in this is actually, for some people, for some people, I talk about envy, and how, you know, if I think of the story I told you when I started this episode about Greg sitting on the couch and I'm in the kitchen wiping the counters, that's the moment where I feel envy. I feel like he's doing something that I want and I don't allow myself to do it. It's a good indication when I go into that place that I need to stop wiping the counters and go sit on the couch. And maybe I even say to him, hey, your turn to finish cleaning up the kitchen. So it's envy. But I think there's another very real experience under here that we don't name, which is fear, that it is this deep sense of feeling scared, uncertain that we're going to be in this all alone, all of the time. And that, I think, is an incredibly hard and painful place for us to go into, which is why we don't often speak to our partners in that language. And so then we go to our partners and we say, you don't help, you aren't sharing things. And then they say, well, let's just divide things. You take this, I'll take that. And while that can work for a short time. I think the real piece of it is that it misses the deeper conversation of what it's like to be alone, having to manage all of these things. And until your partner can understand that sense of loneliness or aloneness that you feel in the relationship, that I think is what keeps people really hung up and not being able to move forward. I wanted to label that resentment— it's not an emotion that you should be scared of. It's actually a signal. It's a signal that there's something deeper happening for you. And you can ask yourself, what is this really about for me? What's underneath the resentment? Is it that my partner has something or doing something that I don't have? That's envy. Is it that I feel angry? And anger can be a core emotion in the sense that this is unjust and unfair. Or is it really fear? Is it that I'm worried I will always be alone in this? And that, for me, is often something that shows up. If I think back to that first time holding my son, looking for my partner to do nap with me because I was already so exhausted, that was me in my alone feeling of, I don't want to do this by myself, this is so scary to have to do this by myself, and where is the person that I chose to do this with me? And I want to make a note here because I think sometimes we do come to this conversation by saying, okay, let's just divide things up up evenly. And from my experience navigating the two kids, navigating our businesses and the household and our relationship, there is no such thing as equal. It is impossible to find equal because those tasks just never find that. And I think this is where really understanding the full picture of the mental load, looking at a task from start to completion, is really important. I'm going to get to that, but I want to first talk about this piece.

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With the hundreds of couples that I have worked with through my online community, I want to make this really important distinction here because I think sometimes when it comes to these conversations around the mental load, we lose touch with the person who is actually right beside us. And we do that because we're angry and resentful and we feel like the manager and the mother, and that comes out of us first. But instead, we lose touch with actually a really important difference that I think the mental load and the emotional labor in this conversation really requires. So I want us to first think about two different things. I'm going to name them clearly. The first that often shows up, this is the one that shows up in my therapy room. The first experience is a perception problem. This is your partner and he genuinely doesn't register the mental load. And that I think is so important for us to understand that it's treatable, that your partner is saying, I didn't know, or I don't fully see it yet, or I'm trying to be part of this with you, but I, I just don't know. That's often where Greg accept him. And he came in just not fully understanding. And I know oftentimes when we talk about the perception problem, the reaction to that is, so why does that have to be my work? And the answer, the true answer to that is it doesn't have to be. It can be the work that you do together because you're in a relationship. It could be you saying to your partner, there are so many great resources available to you right now that you can go and look up. What is the Full Mental Load? You can send them this episode and hear my story at the beginning. There are things that you don't have to do in there to make it all yours. At the same time, I think it's really powerful when you're helping your partner to understand and to shift their perception, to be able to see what it's like to be you. Not in a blaming way, not in a way that says you never help out, but in a way that says, this is my experience, this is what it's like to be me. And that was the early conversation that Greg and I had, by the way, that first conversation I shared with you at the beginning of the podcast, not the couch and the counter one, but with my son after becoming a first-time mother. That conversation was not me telling him all the things he was doing wrong. Arguably, he was doing something great by cutting the grass. But there was an experience inside of me that I had not even named yet. And by sharing this inside of me, he did the, oh, I didn't know. That's the perception problem. Okay, but then there's another piece in here. This is the second problem, which we want to differentiate— what problem is this for you? The The second one is the values problem, and that is where your partner sees it and decides that it's not his to carry. And this one is much harder, and it's more rare than the internet suggests. I just want to differentiate between the two. Again, we have a perception problem where your partner doesn't know and actually wants to be a team with you and wants to learn and is going to struggle and fumble along the way, and That, that in itself is frustrating. And then we have a values problem where someone says, okay, that's your issue, and well, I don't want to carry it. And that is completely different, and it's harder to tackle the values problem. So I think something I want to differentiate here is that most people in my therapy room, they end up in a perception problem. And if we can let that land for ourselves, it can help us to understand that they're not in this to gaslight us or manipulate or to do the whole weaponized incompetence thing. That is completely different. And I think what's difficult though is that what ends up happening is we treat our partners as if it's a values problem. And if we are treating our partner as if they don't want to do this with us, we are acting on our own stories in our own mind. If you haven't, go back and listen to the stories episode. It was just two down, a really good one that Greg and I talked about how we get into these relationships with the stories we tell ourselves. But if we're treating our partner based on our stories, based on the story, he sees it and he doesn't care about me, he actually doesn't want to help it, then right there is what's going to lead us into our cycles and to keep us stuck. So if you need a reframe, here it is. My partner is not a partner who doesn't care. He is a partner who doesn't see. And those are two completely different problems with two completely different fixes. And I think what we want to then do next is talk about how do we actually change this together? So here are some of the things that I have learned throughout my clinical work, throughout my relationship with Greg, and through supporting so many other people through Be Connected. I think one of the first things we need to do that can feel difficult, and I am absolutely guilty of not doing this and then letting my frustration build, but it's about making the invisible visible and doing that without the resentment, without the blame and accusations. And it can sound like something like, I know this event is coming up and there are all of these different things that I don't think you've even thought about, but I have silently been carrying them myself. And right there, we then turn the conversation. We invite our partners to be curious about what's inside of us, and then we share what's happening inside of us. When I think about that example, that is such a good example of when Greg and I had another realization around how I carry the mental load. And that was around— I remember it was after my daughter was born, and he was at work, and I was getting my son ready for a kid's birthday party, so one of his friends' party. And the visible task right there is that Greg is taking our son to the birthday party. Super fun, love it. Everybody at the party could see, great dad, he shows up, he's got the kid and the gift. And Greg, I think, had even made a comment at the time around how much he was participating. Look at how much I'm doing, I'm part of this. Yes, he was balancing work. I was home on maternity leave our second. And yet the things that he missed, and I never made— I never made visible at the time, and it came up at another, another probably family member's birthday party, which was remembering what we got the little one last year for their birthday party, remembering to feed our child before they went to this afternoon party, remembering the nap time, remembering the specific clothing that felt good on this child because if they were doing activities These are all of the invisible things. And then buying the gift and remembering to wrap it and, and, and. So I think one of the first pieces when it comes to the mental load piece around having our partners who are willing to do this with us is to start making what is invisible visible. It's a game changer. It requires us to slow down and to actually do it and just have a conversation about it, just to talk about what that actually is. Okay, another key shift that really has changed how Greg and I approach things. This is transferring whole tasks. So the whole domain, the task from start all the way to finish, and not just these pieces of it. So here's what Eve Rodsky talks about in Fair Play. She talks about how oftentimes women offload the execution. The birthday party is a great example. Execute. Greg takes our little guy to the birthday party. Yep, he shows up with the birthday gift, but there was all this conceptualization and planning that remains on my shoulders. And that is actually the heaviest part of the mental load and emotional labor. And that is what causes the most resentment. But then when you can give an entire domain of something, the entire task from start to finish to your partner, that completely changes things. Okay. Here's an example of where Greg and I used to get, get completely tripped up. It must've been in early COVID days. We were still— was it early COVID days or maybe even before COVID It was before COVID Greg's kind of the dinner person here. I will admit I don't love making dinner. He can do it. And then what I was doing though, is that I was buying all the groceries, but then the groceries never lined up to the meal plan and then we wouldn't have things and then we'd end up eating out and you know how it goes. And it would then be frustrating if we were having a meal that required a certain accoutrement that we didn't have. And then our child was upset and you know how it goes. So what we've actually done more recently is— my guess, recently in the last 6 years— but for sure, Greg has then taken on not just the meals, but he's then doing the meal planning, and he's then also doing the grocery shopping because he knows what's in the fridge. And it's actually been interesting as our roles have shifted and our children have become more autonomous, and they can even participate in making lunches. Now the kids go to the grocery store and they start talking about picking out the things that they want. So there's autonomy in there for the kids. And then on top of that though, we recognize— so knowing that Greg owns this domain was one of the most helpful things because then it wasn't me coming home on Tuesday and him saying, what are we making for dinner? He already knew that. He already meal planned. So then here's the other piece that I think is really important about this for people is that for some couples it helps to have this more fixed decision together. At the same time though, other couples, because of their schedule or their lifestyle, if you're doing shift work, That doesn't work. And so what Greg and I have found helpful is that we then meal plan. So meal planning is his downfall. He, he gets into food ruts. So we sit down one night a week. Our positive intentions anyways is to do this, is then we plan what the meals are moving forward. And so it no longer is just my complete task to do something, or we're not splitting it between the two of us, but instead he owns a domain within this domain we have some flexibility within that. Okay. One last shift that is so important around the mental load, and this is about inviting your partner to be part of noticing in the household and not just the person who's doing, because the person who's doing is meeting a checklist. They're checking it off and that can become quite autopilot, but we know that in the home it changes day to day. So if I'm getting the coffee ready, am I noticing if the coffee is low? And I can flag to Greg, hey, put the coffee on the grocery list this week. Or the white crayon. I remember a white pencil crayon on our floor. I remember sharing this on Instagram once and this crayon sat there for days and I thought, am I the only one who notices the things on the floor? And I remember picking it up, not in my finest moment. And I said to Greg, is anyone else going to notice this crayon? And I think he said, oh yeah, I noticed it a few days ago and nobody picked it up. So it's just this concept then of you are both present. Functioning adults in this home, and that it takes both of you to remain connected and present, to notice the things and not just being on autopilot and in your own world. And I also think there's this element in here where, you know, our partners are not going to get it right. They're going to fail and struggle, especially when you are starting to change this stuff. And when we go back to what I had said earlier about our partners having that perception problem, that's part of the conversation. If you've been stuck in the anger and the resentment and saying things like, you don't help out and I'm so overwhelmed, this is also a good time for you to say to your partner, I don't expect perfect. I don't expect you to nail it every single time because I haven't, and I've had to learn along the way. And at the same time, I expect us to be a team. And when we're a team, we tag each other, we connect, we talk about these things, we support each other. And so I think that is a really important element. In this mental load conversation. Okay, let's finish up. Before you move into your next mental load conversation, I want you to ask yourself honestly, now that you've listened to me today, you've heard some of my stories, what is happening with your partner? Is it a perception problem or is it really a values problem? And if you immediately think it's a values problem, I'd be curious for you to try some questions and ask yourself about this piece. And it might sound like What are the ways that he shows me he's participating in this family that maybe are not ways that I show them? Or what are some things that he's done recently that are his way of showing that he's contributing to this piece? And I think the goal here in all of this conversation is really to not keep being on opposite sides. It's not to try to win. The Gottmans talk about this being the zero-sum game, which is you trying to prove that you're right and your partner's wrong, but instead instead, what you want to shift into is recognizing that the mental load, the labor that you're all carrying, that's the problem. And you two can be a team through that. Okay, if you're looking for more support, I want you to know one of the best resources to click into is my 30 Days of Us. I love those 30 days. I've taken them with my pillars of what builds a healthy relationship, and I give you one simple thing for you to do every single day so that you can build a solid, connected relationship. But I also know there are people who are looking for more. So in Be Connected, I've got my Ask Dr. Tracy AI. It's not medical advice, it's not psychotherapy advice, but it is trained on all of my research, all of my work, so that you can then ask questions and get support through that. There's something really unique and special about the responses that come from that, that because it's trained on my approach, it's not giving you generic approaches or responses that might not be helpful. Plus, every month I have my Be Connected coaching call, which I love because I get to sit with people inside the membership and I answer every single question. And hey, if you are feeling really stuck with your partner, check out my intensives. These are limited spots. I don't have many spots available left for this year, but these are places where you and I get to work together intensively so we can actually make more changes. But if you've got questions about that, just send an email to me and I will share more details. All right, thank you for clicking play. The mental load is one that we continue to navigate. I have not yet solved this issue yet, but I've gotten better at tuning in to what my emotions are in the moment and asking myself, what do I need? What would really help me this time? Okay, thanks for clicking play. I'll see you next time. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode Please note that this is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider.

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