Why You Sound Critical When You Really Want Connection

One thing I've learned after 2 decades of working with couples is this: sleep matters. When we're exhausted, we're more reactive, we have less patience, we're quicker to snap, everything feels harder. And if you're in perimenopause like me, being too hot at night is enough to make a good night's sleep feel impossible. And that is why I love my Quince bedding. I am using their 100% European linen bedding, and I do not get hot. It's lightweight, it's breathable, it's so soft, and every time I wash it, it somehow gets softer. And if you're more of organic cotton person, they have that too. I also love that their bedding comes in beautiful timeless colors and patterns that make my room feel like a special little retreat. And not to mention, the silk pillowcases and eye masks are some of my favorite things to use at night. What I appreciate most is that Quince makes luxury quality products without the luxury markup. They work directly with ethical factories, cutting out the middleman, so you're getting incredible quality at prices that are often 50 to 80% less than similar brands. And it's not just bedding. They have beautiful clothing, cookware, furniture, and home essentials that bring that same quality into everyday life. I love Quince, and I know you're going to love it too. Make your summer bedding feel better. Go to quince.com/tracy for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. And for my Canadian listeners, it's also available for you. Quince.com/tracy for free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/tracy.

This episode is brought to you by Google. Innovation is deeply ingrained in America, and Google is helping Americans innovate in ways both big and small. There are hundreds of thousands of skilled trades roles across the US waiting to be filled. To help close this gap, Google is expanding its skilled trade support to help train more than 300,000 American workers across more than 20 states. This is a new era of American innovation. Learn more at grow.google/skilledtrades.

Your body isn't a problem to fix. It's a system to support. From PMS to pregnancy to menopause, OLLIE's Women's Wellness line is built on real science for every stage. No guilt, no stigmas, just science-backed supplements that work with you, not against you. Choose science over shame. Find support at a retailer near you or on ollie.com. That's O-L-L-Y.com.

Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go-to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries, in-laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, This is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together, we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, your guide to creating relationships that feel good. Today I'm answering this question. Why is it that someone who longs for closeness so often comes across as critical, demanding, and angry? And I just know that so many people are going to resonate with this conversation today. So first, thank you for clicking play. I'm grateful that you're here. It's just me today. Greg's not joining me in this conversation, and this is one that I want us to have together because when I think about my history of this podcast, of the conversations that I'm having in my online communities, it's often around defensiveness. And defensiveness is one that a lot of people are curious about. They can recognize easily, they can say, that's my partner, how do I change that? What do I do differently with them? And yet today, shifting the focus to the other partner is a much more challenging conversation. So maybe this partner is actually you. So we're talking about you. If I were the one clicking play, this is an episode for me. It's not about Greg, my defensive expert. It's about me. And this is the partner in the relationship dynamic who looks for closeness, the one who brings up the issue, the one where maybe they've been told, why can't you just let things go? Or not everything has to be talked about. Maybe you're the one who has said, you're so angry and that's why I can't talk to you. Or you're the one who maybe feels like a neg, or your partner has even said, oh, you're a neg, or you're the micromanager. So it's really interesting when I reflect about this position for you as a person, because one of the reasons why I think I maybe subconsciously shy away a little bit from it, speaking about it here on the podcast or online is really the reaction I've had in the past talking about it, because oftentimes this is the partner in the dynamic who, because you are so vocal, because you are the quote-unquote squeaky wheel, that then you often feel blamed, like you are the problem. Now, if you've been listening to me for some time, you know my approach with couples and individuals is that there's no one person that is the problem. It's the dynamic that takes over between the two of you. And oftentimes couples come into the therapy room pointing fingers back and forth. If you weren't so defensive, and the other one says, well, I wouldn't be so defensive if you weren't so angry. That's the cycle. And we want to start pointing our fingers at the cycle that takes over, that stops us from being able to solve our problems. And in order to do that, we have to look at what position do we each take in the relationship? So if you haven't yet, go back, check out the defensiveness episodes if you're the one who gets defensive. Or here, let's enter this conversation with curiosity, with openness, because I want you to know that what you do, if you are the partner that comes across as critical or angry, what you do makes a lot of sense. And I think sometimes we really miss what this is all about. Now I'm going to add in more here about this dynamic because we know from the research, and one of the limitations of research from EFT is that a lot of it has been around heterosexual couples, so I'm speaking from that research. And we also know from the Gottmans' work that they talk about how the cycle, the patterns that take over, are the same for same-sex couples. The difference being that the argument topic tends to be different, where hetero couples to argue more about fair play type issues, mental load, cognitive labor, etc. But those patterns and cycles are the same. So what I tend to see is that 80% of couples are made up where she is often the pursuer. So she's the one seeking connection, bringing up the issues, looking for their partner, and he tends to either meet her in that blame and criticisms, but most often is the partner who is defensive or withdrawn. 80%, not but most. And so something that I want to start right here labeling for this for you— so I'm, I'm kind of holding you in mind and thinking of who I'm talking to. So I'm, I'm thinking I'm speaking to the women who are the ones who are bringing things up, who are reaching for their partners. I want to start right here with this false belief that people have, this false belief about you. And it often sounds like, well— and I hear this in my therapy room where the other partner says, she's just so angry all the time. And if she wasn't so angry, or you're seen as being controlling or nagging, or you're the one creating conflict. I think that's one of the worst things to hear is why can't you just let this go? It's not that big of a deal. And I think right there, it's a really interesting question for us to understand. And in a couple, then it's interesting that the person who is labeled as the problem is the one who is bringing up all of the problems. You're the one told to calm down. You're the one that you're the problem in the relationship because you can't just let things go. And I think that's a really big false belief because there is something so much deeper that happens for the person who does show the behavior of anger and frustration. So here's the reframe that I think is so important for us to understand, and that is that the critical partner is often protesting disconnection. And I'm not saying that criticism is okay and that you should be doing it, but I think it's really important for us to understand that our nervous systems have continuously learned something so important. And it might even be from this relationship, from repeated experiences in your current relationship, but it could also be from previous friendships, previous relationships, and even the dynamic in your home, whether it's the one that you witnessed between your parents and you now have taken on that role, or how you had to then be seen in your family of origin. And it sounds like this: if I don't push, nothing changes. And when we can reframe that, then when someone is angry, when they are quote unquote nagging, I don't like that word, when they are micromanaging or controlling, like all of that, That is not about conflict. It's about the deeper piece of this person in front of you trying to restore safety through connection. And if you can look at, so if it's you who tends to be the more critical person, if you can make that shift for you, that anytime you step into that mode of anger, frustration, of wanting to tell your partner how to do a certain thing, if we can understand that actually there could be some kind of protest happening happening right here. And because then, of course, what we go back to when we think about our connections and our attachment styles is, at our core, we all long to be seen, to matter, to know that we're important to the ones we love. Not important to the stranger who's holding the door for us at the mall, but the person that we share things with. We want to know, do you see me? Do you even care if I'm in pain or if I'm struggling?

Amazon Health AI presents Painful Thoughts.

Why did I search the internet for answers to my cold sore problem? Now I'm stuck down a rabbit hole filled with images of alarmingly graphic sores in various stages of ooze. I can clear my search history. But I can never unsee that.

Don't go down the rabbit hole. Amazon Health AI gets you the right care fast. Healthcare just got less painful.

So I think what's really interesting then, when I think about the couple dynamic, is what is actually happening underneath all of this. So I have a few ideas that I want to talk about because I think then that Understanding and insight can then lead us to make change. And it's really interesting because when I think about that dynamic in the therapy room, I often hear from the other person, I don't understand why she is like this with me, or I don't understand why she's so angry with me, but then goes to our kids and is so gentle and compassionate. Or maybe you're the person even who blames yourself for the angry moment, for the time where you lost your cool, for the time where you're so frustrated and you said to your partner something with a passive-aggressive tone. And it's kind of that question of how, how can I, who say, for example, I run a business, I have— I manage 3 children— manage sounds like the wrong word there— but like, I manage this household and I'm raising 3 kids and I do soccer drop-offs and dance gatherings and all the things. How is it that I can get to this place of anger and losing connection with just myself. So I think one of the first important things that I always like to talk about when it comes to the couple piece is the cycle or the pattern that you and your partner gets into. And one of the most powerful questions that you can ask yourself is, what starts our cycle? What is it? Can you name what it is? And as soon as— if you think about, okay, it's the kids, get even more specific about what that is. This is actually something that I teach in multiple lessons. It's across lessons in my relationship program called Be Connected. I started Be Connected in 2020, actually right before the pandemic. That's neither here nor there, but it's been incredible to be able to teach people all over the world exactly what I teach them in my therapy room. And so I break down really specifically, you get questions, you get the roadmap, you get to learn what your triggers are, and this is helping you understand what's our cycle. Let's really name the steps. You do this, I do that, and then I do this and you do that. So we really break that down. We then identify the triggers. You've got to know your triggers of what's leading you into the cycle, and then some key pieces for flooding in there. But Lesson 3 is my favorite one because it helps you with specific questions to map out what is really happening for us. Because I think for so many people, the underneath stuff is the attachment longing, which I'll talk about that in a moment— attachment longing. But it's the stories that happen really quickly before the outward thing, and, or maybe even afterwards, the behavior of criticism or the pursuit, whatever it is that you do. But it's the, they don't care, I'm alone, I'm not important, I always come last, or even this relationship isn't safe. And those stories then contribute to the increase in emotion, or it's the cycle between emotion leads to more thoughts, Thoughts lead to more emotion, and in that loop, it can then lead to the behavior. And the behavior we're talking about here is the criticism, the pursuit of the other person. And I want to differentiate this piece right here for a moment. And that is the, the protest versus the criticism. One of the questions I regularly ask my clients is, what is the function of this behavior? So it's not, why do you do this? Or why can't you stop? Instead, it's what does this behavior do for you? So criticism then is the behavior, but when we think about what is the actual function of that criticism, that's often where we then look at it's the protest. And the protest, it sounds like this: please see me, please care, please choose us. And it's like, I think about when kids are not seen and validated, they're then on the floor crying, or they're coming over and kicking you. And if you don't see it, they're like, oh yeah, well, I'm gonna make you see me. And that's kind of the experience, not kind of, that is the experience that our brains go to when we are not seen and connected. This is not for everybody because remember, some people have learned that when I protest, I get the attention. But then other people have learned when I have shut things down, then things feel safe again. Let me reframe that one more time, because I think I can say that better. So I want us to think of it this way: the protest is how I feel safe and connected again. For others, shutting down and putting away my inner experience is how I feel safe and connected again. So protest serves the function of building closeness and safety. There's another element that I think a lot of people in this experience can connect to. So if you are someone who lands in that protest, in the criticism in the— we often use the language the blamer and defender in EFT language. So if you are more of the blaming partner— and first I need to just come back to that because that's not the word I tend to use in therapy because it, it sounds like you're the problem and you're not. You are the one that happens to label it and to see it. And so it is— I just think it's important to label it. Okay, let me move forward. So in terms of this then, there's this sense of urgency. And the urgency says that until we have repaired whatever has happened in front of us, whatever disconnection I feel, until I feel that, the relationship isn't safe. So when one partner says, "I just need some space," the more pursuing partner, their nervous system hears, "I'm leaving." And I think this is really challenging because you and your partner likely don't have the same coping mechanisms. You don't have the same way of experiencing the world. So for some people who are more of the pursuing partner, this concept of sameness, that we are the same, is what gives us this false sense of safety. And that is that if you and I both agree that We want— I'm just going to use food for example. We're going to do tacos every Tuesday because tacos are the best. When we have that overlapping sameness, that gives us this false sense of safety. And it's also why for some people who are the more pursuing partners, that's why differentiation, where we're pulling apart into our individual selves, can feel really threatening and can stir up wounds of abandonment. Because your partner is literally what you're supposed to be doing in healthy relationships. And this is— Esther Perel talks about the second season or the second marriage that you have. This is the time where you pull apart and you have to say, here's who I am, can you accept me, that I'm different from you, I view the world differently, our values overlap, but I might not do it the same way as you, and I want to do this on my own. And, and then the other person is saying, yes, I can accept that of you, and I still like you, and I still love you, and can you see all of this in me? And so for that pursuing partner then who is looking for connection. Sometimes we mistake sameness as connection, as safety, but it's actually not. It's the false sense of safety. And when we can look at how two different nervous systems are coming together, it helps us to also understand some of the behaviors that we might engage in. And I do say we wholeheartedly because I'm more of the pursuing partner as well. And I don't know if I said that at the beginning, but I am more of the pursuing partner in our relationship. And like openly is the more defensive partner. And that's our cycle. That's the one that we can so easily get into. So this is where then the more pursuing partner starts to over-explain. If I just tell you one more thing, you'll finally get it. You start to send more texts. Okay, well, tell me more. You pile on. Oh, let me tell you, I'm really good at lawyering up. You start to reopen these old conversations and going back to the past. You are maybe, maybe someone who needs reassurance immediately that you are okay. And all of that urgency is difficult because again, when we think about differentiation, differentiation says, I am me and you are you, and we are both okay. It is this renegotiation of space, this renegotiation of if I'm looking for you and I can't find you, and you're saying, I know you can't find me because I need time. Can I then be okay with the time and space that you require? When I was thinking about this person and having this conversation with you, I then started to think about how oftentimes we talk because it feels regulating, explaining, feels like this regulation that we're doing. It's the idea that something that we're doing is actually— and as I'm talking, I'm moving my hands and I'm moving my mouth, and like my body is saying, if I keep doing this, I'll finally feel okay. If I keep doing this, I will finally be heard. If I share more, right? So this kind of idea that this movement forward and pushing— pushing is my word because that's my experience. I'm like trying to push us. Let's come on. Or maybe I'm trying to pull. But this idea of like, move with me, move forward. Then we'll finally get somewhere. But the challenging piece of that is depending on who our partners are, the withdrawing partner actually regulates by creating distance. And this is the piece that creates the negative cycle, the dance that you get stuck in, the dance of, I'm going to keep moving towards you. I'm going to explain more. I'm going to give you more examples. And the more you do that, the more they feel overwhelmed and the more they go into their stuff and the more they shut down. And that just leaves that, that really difficult cycle. So here's something that I would love for you to get from today's conversation is to remember that more words, more sentences, more explanation does not lead to greater understanding. This is such a trap that so many of us get into. It's this belief of, if I just explain it one more way, you'll finally get it. But the truth is dysregulation actually decreases listening. So the more then the pursuing partner talks, the less the other person actually takes in. When I'm working with couples, one of the pieces that I do is I slow things down and I slice it thinner. Because sometimes when we come to the other person and we want to share something, we then slip into this, but let me give you 5 examples of why I said that. And then what your partner's brain is doing is they're tracking those 5 examples and scanning true or false, true or false, true or false. And we've completely lost the original thing. And it's actually a real art to be able to say what it is that you feel and need and allowing it to hang just between the two of you. I want to hang out here for a moment because I think when I go back to the person who is so misunderstood, who is looking for connection, and it comes out in frustration and this nagging or controlling or bringing up conversations, It's easy for us to look at that and forget the deeper piece. And when I think about all of the clients that I've sat with in this position, what I often see is this small inner part of them that was never seen as a child. And then because of the patterns that you're repeating in your relationship today, there is even more of this feeling unseen, of feeling unimportant, or feeling this deep belief that maybe you are actually too sensitive and too much for others, and feeling emotionally abandoned and lonely, and having to then look at the longing of connection, but then also the grief that this person in front of me might not be able to give it to me that way. And it's this desire, this deep deep longing to feel important and to feel like you matter. That is such a different position to come into than the anger and the words and the explanations and the, why can't you? It just shifts how we understand what's happening for you. And I, when I thought about this episode and again, giving the other side, I had just thought, gosh, I've really missed slowing down in this to be able to help others understand that first, your anger in your relationship makes complete sense when you don't feel seen and connected. It's not okay that we use anger and criticism out to our partner. The steps in your dance make sense, but then the real change comes from understanding What is actually happening inside of me? And when I say all of those things, I say this with real honesty. That is vulnerable. That is you having to look at your person and to see that hopefully there is a part of them that could soften how they have been seeing you for so long. And this is then the moment where they could actually see that. And in the process of therapy, this sometimes takes several sessions to get to. Several meaning more than 5. Okay. And it is actually one of the things that I love about the couples intensives that I offer. I've got more details in the show notes. If you're looking for more support, reach out to me. But the intensives that we do are really about breaking those patterns and coming into then what is this really about and what would it look like to actually move forward? And I want to emphasize again, we can't problem solve if we cannot get out of the cycle. The cycle is the first thing. To break out of. I want to touch first on what dysregulation is actually looking like for this partner. And I believe then that your nervous system has shifted out of calm and regulated and compassionate into a sense of fight or flight. And I wanna label that clearly because it is this sense of anger. Anger often feels when, from Polyvagal Theory, they talk about it as being in your chest. It's the ready to jump off the edge of your seat and run, or to react in a near car accident. It's that ability for you to go and run the 5K. And sometimes that fight or flight is actually really helpful when you're doing a presentation or a talk. It's motivating, it's activating. But then at other times it's there because there's something deeper underneath. And I think what I— when I think about all of these pieces in here of here's your nervous system and it's learned to pursue, here's maybe even a childhood where you were never seen. Here's a relationship cycle that has been going on for so long, and you feel lonely and disconnected and sad and grieving and wondering if your partner will ever meet you there. I think one of the most important things I want you to hear from me is that you are not broken because you pursue your partner. And at the same time then, and this is the paradox or the both/and that we have to hold, it makes sense why you do the thing that you do. And when we do that, it pushes your partner away, and it's working against you. And the question then is, if I can accept that I do this pursuit thing, and I can accept all of the things I bring into this, what can I then do next to make a small shift? And it's so important then for you to recognize, my nervous system, it learned that to connect with somebody important, I had to fight, I had to loud to be seen. That's the pursuit, right? You learned that in order to get my caregiver's attention, I had to yell, I had to make my emotions big, and then finally they would understand me. And finally I would feel safe. That's the pursuit. And then at the moment you feel your partner not connected with you here today in this relationship, your body first says, mm-mm, see what you have to do? You have to pursue them. And then away The cycle goes. And I think what's really challenging then for this person, and it's a journey that I am continuing to be on with myself— if you haven't, by the way, grab my first book, it's called I Didn't Sign Up for This. It's an accessible, also affordable, because we printed it in softcover. We wanted it to be that way. Um, I also narrate the audiobook, but you'll follow not only 4 couples and their cycles and how they are building interdependence, but you'll also see a little bit more behind the scenes of our marriage and the resentment I found myself swallowed up into. So here's the really hard piece for you. In your relationship, the work is not to ask. The work is not to share what it is that you want and need, but instead the real work is you having to wait. It's you having to create space for change. And when I say that, what that means is it requires you to tolerate discomfort. The discomfort comes from uncertainty because you are used to pursuing and reaching and working hard for that connection. If I just get louder, then they'll understand me. You have to believe that I can say it once and they will hear me and they will take it seriously. And I know in couples dynamics, if you've gotten to that sticky place, it doesn't feel like you can do it once because your partner brings in all of their stuff. And that's what makes relationships complex. But that discomfort, then, is actually from the uncertainty. And the uncertainty really stirs up that feeling of, but what if I could be emotionally left again? What if I could be abandoned? And that's too hard to tolerate. And so then that's when I get into my pursuit. That's then when I explain more and give more examples so they'll finally understand me. And the real work here is not for you to not express your needs or your feelings. Those things are important and they matter. It's instead learning to do it in a way that understands who your partner is and how they receive information, but then also trusting that you've said it. You do not need to give more examples to validate— to validify— validate— perimenopause— to validate. Should we leave that blur? That's hilarious. Oh, the words. To validate— validate? To validate what it is that we're experiencing. Now, what was— oh my gosh, now what's the thought? To validate the struggle, to validate our experience. So here's the question I want to leave you with today. The question is this: can I stay connected to myself while I wait for my partner? All right, I've just put that out there. I'm gonna say it one more time. This is not about you not expressing yourself. Your experience is valid and you are allowed to share it. And I want you to instead ask yourself, can I stay connected to myself while I wait? While I wait for my partner to hear me, to register this, to make a plan forward with me, can I just trust myself in that? And that, I think, is something that is really uncomfortable and challenging. And I know I can hear the comments, which is, okay, but Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, how do we actually solve the thing? You have to get out of the cycle as the first step. And getting out of the cycle is you trusting yourself and sitting in a bit more discomfort. And so let's say you're trying to solve the problem of boundaries and stories at bedtime with the kids and what the the lighting is and the steps to take and what time you should put the kids to bed. Let's say that's the issue. And so then when you go to your partner and you express, bedtime is really hard for me because actually— and here I'll use this real example that I did with Greg one day. I had said to him, I'm like, we're really struggling with bedtime still, and that's hard. It's not his fault, it's not my fault. We both default to things. And what's difficult is that when bedtime goes on and on, I actually miss connecting with you. I crave to have an hour or more of time just with you. And when bedtime goes off the rails, we don't get that. I had to leave that right there with him and not jump into my problem solving or over-justifying or over-explaining and just letting it land there for him, just to sit there for him to even hear and register what I was actually saying. I was not saying, you're awful at bedtime, you have no boundaries, we are ruining our kids. I was not saying that. I was saying, I miss us, I miss you, and what we're doing right now is really hard. And then giving that space there That was a chance for him to meet me in that, but I had to sit in that, okay, you don't have to explain this, you don't have to give more, it's okay. So something I want to end with here is the next time you feel yourself in that pursuit, I want you to ask yourself, is this really a moment where I need to use more words, or is this a moment where I actually need to regulate my body? Oftentimes it's the latter. I need to do something for me. I don't need to use more words. I need to stay connected to me. How can I actually do that right now so that we're not throwing the hot potato back and forth to each other or adding in catastrophic statements and threats and all of that. That actually makes it even harder to come back together. All right, thank you for clicking play. I'm grateful you're here. If you have a moment, just click the stars, leave a few words. I read all of your reviews and it really helps other people find the show. But I can't wait to see you next time. And by the way, if you have a question for me to answer here on the podcast, click the button down below. I've got the link so that you can send me as much detail so I can answer your question here on the podcast. Okay. I'll see you next time. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental healthcare provider. Take care of you.