Why You're Always Explaining Yourself (And What It’s Really About)

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Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy, clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries in laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good.

A couple sits in front of me in my therapy room. They're stuck in a common pattern that.

They always get to he's explaining and.

Again why he did what he did. And in reaction to this, she's also trying to get him to understand her side. Now I think of another client. This time it's a woman, and she tells me that she has to explain to her parents why she's setting a boundary around visits with her kid and her partner.

She wants them to understand so they won't be upset with her.

And just the other day a friend of mine said she was caught in a loop. She was arguing with a friend, trying to prove her reasons for choosing the summer camp that she Chose all right, different people, different situations, the same pattern. All of these people were getting stuck in, over explaining, justifying, defending and proving. And I'm wondering, as you're listening, if you can relate to getting stuck in this within yourself, within your relationship, your marriage? Is it with a parent, an in law, your child?

Maybe it's that friend.

And what was really interesting is as.

I was sitting with these people, the.

Same pattern came through. And what became clear was this, what they were doing. On the surface, justification was actually a cover for something deeper, something. Something tender. So today I want to talk about this pattern, why we do it, where it comes from, and how to shift into something more powerful and more relational. Now, when I saw this repeatedly come up in my therapy sessions with my friends, I thought, you know, we all in a way do this. So let's bring this to the podcast. I know so many people are going to be able to relate to this conversation and, and then to start unfolding these patterns. All right, let's first start with what does justification and over explaining sound like? So here are some examples. It's when someone says something like, I was just trying my best. You gave me so much to do and I couldn't get it all done. It's when someone starts to list off all of the reasons why they did.

The thing they did.

Or they'll say something like, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to upset you. It might even be that moment where you're talking about a relationship or a situation and you share your truth, but then you give all of the reasons of why this is your truth. These are all justifications and they're also all incredibly human. But what's really happening when you find yourself saying them? Let's just label this part here because once we can start bringing awareness to this part of us, then we can start to recognize when the part shows up and we can start to do something different. I'm doing some of that parts work. If you haven't, go back and listen to the episode with Brit Frank. We had a great conversation around parts. The way I want to talk about this is through the adaptive child. This is what Terry Real calls when this part of us shows up. And when I think of the adaptive child, I even think of when that person goes into this almost like higher pitched tone, a voice starts to change. It's almost like, why can't you see all of the reasons or see all.

The goodness in me?

And it's almost like it could almost be a child part, maybe Even a teenager part. But there's this part of us that learned how to survive, how to connect, how to stay close and connected in our earliest relationships. Now, this isn't just necessarily your parents. Often that is key formative experiences that we have. But it could also be that first.

Friend that you had, it could be.

The relationship with your sibling, it could be in a sport or a teacher that you had. But in some way, this part of you, this adaptive child, showed up as a way to protect you, as a way to stay connected to other people. And the interesting piece though is, is the adaptive child doesn't live in the here and now. It's not relational. It's actually quite reactive. That's why I often think about when we go into this kind of like change in our tone, the change in our pace of words, we can almost feel it, maybe even a breathlessness we can feel when that part is showing up. And this part jumps in because they want to protect you, but it often leaves you feeling more disconnected to the.

Person in front of you.

So something that can be helpful when we think about this adaptive child is to try to understand where it comes from. We don't always necessarily know the moment where we took on this part of us, but we can start to look for trends or patterns or maybe even messages that we heard while we were growing up. So one of the clients that I worked with, we talked about where there was a lot of sibling disagreements, and it was always about trying to figure out who, who was right or who started the fight. So maybe you heard things like who started it. You're too sensitive. This isn't a big deal. Why are you so upset about this? And when we as children are not seen, when we're not validated or understood, we find ways to try to justify what we're experiencing. It's, it's so interesting. I actually noticed this showing up a lot with my kids. And one especially if I say something to the family like, hey guys, let's work on turning off the basement light and closing the door. My one kid will say, I do, I do do that.

And so that is a really interesting.

Piece right here where this kid is hearing me blame them instead of actually hearing that. We're just talking about how do we co create in the home. So I'm doing a little bit of extra work with this kid. But you, you can imagine though, growing up in a home where you are blamed or you do feel wrong. And I'll always remember this piece, what Dr. Becky said when she launched her Good inside book. I attended her book launch live in New York, and she had said that when we don't repair with children, children will do one of two things.

They will blame themselves and they'll say.

It'S all my fault, I'm a bad guy, kid. Or they will go into self doubt.

And they'll say things like, maybe that.

Wasn'T such a big deal, I guess maybe that didn't happen, or I was seeing it wrong. So self blame or self doubt, which is why the repair and relationships is so important. And no, no amount of time is too long to pass for you to go back and actually take ownership over something that you did with your child or your partner or a friend that didn't feel good. So take a moment to hang out in maybe a friendship that you had. You know, that moment where you were one day with the group, the next day you weren't, and you're trying to figure out, what did I do wrong? Is it within your. The parent child relationship where you feel like maybe you were told certain messages, but all of this, what it all.

Comes down to is this internalized belief.

And I had asked all of my clients, the, the clients, the two that I specifically talked about at the beginning, but then also my friend, no, I do not do therapy with my friends. But you know, just kind of asking those questions. And I had asked my clients specifically, what if. If other people have it wrong about you or if someone doesn't fully understand where you're coming from or your perspective.

What does it mean about you?

And every single one went right into.

This internalized belief, which is, it means.

That I am not liked. It means that I am wrong, or in some form, it means that I'm not lovable. And so then when we really pull back the layers and so we can say, all right, so at our core.

What'S at the core of what you're doing here?

It's not that we're trying to prove that we're right. That is almost like the mask, that's.

The adaptive child stepping in. That is, you can even use the.

Word ego showing up. But really what we're trying to do.

In this moment is we're trying to say I'm not a bad person.

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Here's the shift that I want to offer you today. So if you are someone who gets stuck in trying to prove yourself, if you find yourself being more of the defensive partner, if you find yourself with a friend trying to justify all the things, here's what I want to offer you today. I want you to ask yourself, what.

Is the function of this behavior?

I love this question. It's a question I ask my clients because we often will ask ourselves, why.

Am I doing this?

And as humans, we know that we do things for a really good reason. I sometimes don't know why I do.

The things I do.

I'm human, I'm having a feeling, I'm having a reaction, I'm having a bad day. And that might be why I did something. But if we do find ourselves stuck.

In a pattern, what's more helpful is not to ask, why do I do this?

We can connect this, we can all do this connection back to, you know, we've had this relationship, we had an early childhood experience. Maybe my needs were not being met in the environment that I was at. But instead, I think what is more important is bringing it today, bringing it to today. By asking ourselves, what is the function of this behavior? We can often see that we are getting Stuck in protecting ourselves or trying to prove our points. And that is this outward part, but.

It'S not the deeper stuff.

So let's go into what is this really about. People who get stuck in justifications and.

Over explaining themselves often have a fear.

Of being rejected, a fear of being misunderstood, a fear that if they're not.

Good, they won't be loved.

With a client, I recently talked about Brene Brown's research around vulnerability and how we often avoid being vulnerable because we fear shame, exclusion and disconnection. And so in order to not experience that, we over explain we people please. We try to do it right, we try to get it perfect.

Because being imperfect is vulnerable. Being messy and making mistakes requires you to tap into vulnerability. And all of that, of course, is.

About creating connection, inclusion. It's the antidote to loneliness and isolation.

What we really want is to be loved and accepted without needing to be perfect.

And this means that in order to be seen, to be seen as whole, we have to show up even when.

We make mistakes, even when it's messy, even when someone doesn't fully understand us.

All right, so here's what I want to leave you with today. If you recognize yourself as someone who gets stuck in over explaining or defending your every move, I want you to think of these four things. First, focus on being relational, not defensive. You all know that Greg is my defensiveness expert and it's something that him and I have really been talking about just in our own relationship. This idea of we're in this together and it's been helping both of us get out of sticky cycles or tough moments. So if I flip into Terry Real's language, then the adaptive child shows up and wants to prove and wants to be right.

That's not relational, that's defensiveness.

That is autonomy. That's you being in your own sandbox, playing on your own. And the flip side of this is to tap into what he calls your wise adult.

The wise adult can slow things down.

I remember in this one session with a client I had said, you know, I know this is a really hard moment and I think this is a.

Moment where your little child is looking to be protected.

And I had looked over my shoulder and I said, hey, I've got you, we're here to protect you.

And then I was able to help.

Her tap into more of this wise.

Adult part of what could you do instead in those moments where you feel.

That child coming up? Because ultimately there's this part of us inside, we all carry this where we are working on Old wounds that show up in those hard moments.

Nobody is immune to that.

If you haven't, go back and listen to my inner child episode. I really like that episode, even though, by the way, I avoided it for a while. But this idea that today you are this adult with agency, with choice, and you can build connection back with your.

Partner, you can go to them and.

Repair and you know how to do that in such a much more powerful way than what you could as a.

Child when your brain was still developing. So ask yourself as an adult, what does connection look like right now?

When I think about this, I think about some things that I might say inside of my own mind in those moments or something that I want to.

Offer you to be relational.

So we could do this by saying we're on the same team or it's okay if they don't see it the.

Same way as I do.

Isn't that powerful? This, this notion that there's something in front of us. I love the idea of using a coffee mug and when you rotate it, if I don't see the handle, but you see the handle, to me it's not a coffee mug. It's just kind of the ceramic thing, but you see the handle and it makes it a coffee mug. So we're experiencing the same object in.

Front of us, but we have a.

Very different perception of it. And that's what life is. It's okay for you to have a.

Different experience than someone else.

If they're thinking of my friend in the summer camp story, if there was a reason for signing your child up for that camp, trust yourself.

You had the reason there.

And then the relational piece is, it's.

Okay if you don't understand my reasons.

For doing that one. Um, I know that's uncomfortable and it's.

Okay if we disagree on that.

Okay. The next idea is accepting that your choices might not be liked. That doesn't mean they're wrong, it doesn't mean you're wrong, and it doesn't mean you're bad. Acceptance is this idea where we're not going to hold on to something. We're not going to necessarily even like that. So someone doesn't like our choices. Acceptance and liking something are not the same thing. Acceptance is the idea of holding something lightly, non judgmentally, being curious about it and not defining it within ourselves and.

Our core sense of self.

Some of the ways I practice acceptance is I imagine putting this hard thought on a leaf and watching it float away, or I envision a cloud or a balloon and I put it onto that and I see it float away. That helps me build acceptance. Or I'll often say, I'm here, I'm here right now. My body is breathing. That is just a thought. Thoughts are not truth. A third piece here. Remind yourself you don't need to justify being yourself. Sink into being okay with the choices that you make. And there's a caveat here which is about learning how you show up to your relationships. So there are times where we get into that reactive space. There are times where we show up with anger and it's not helpful and it's not how we would want to show up.

Learn from your mistakes. Don't shame yourself. You get to learn from them.

And practice strategies are going to help.

You not be reactive.

So then in the future, in the next moments of you, you can be more responsible, responsive. You can tap into that person who.

Is connected to their self, who is connected to your sense of self, to.

Your needs and to who you are, depending on the relationship that you're in. You also need to learn to be okay with the truth that others may not fully understand you. I talk a lot about this with the couples that I work with who deal with a difficult mother in law or an estranged parent. This might also be relevant for someone who's in a relationship with a narcissist.

Narcissist.

A narcissist specifically doesn't want to understand you. They don't want to see you as that good person. And they're going to find ways to one up you in a sense that either leads you to praise them or lead you to or lead them to put you down. It becomes a vicious cycle where you get stuck in doubting yourself, in doubting your own self esteem, in feeling less than and feeling misunderstood. And so you then go into this space of justification and with another person who maybe doesn't want to understand that or isn't able to understand that you're only going to end up spiraling even more.

And this calls for you then to start getting really comfortable with accepting the.

Truth that not everybody is going to.

Understand all of you. And that still doesn't make you a bad person. And here's the last piece because we talked about stepping into vulnerability and allowing yourself to show up, allowing yourself to not be perfect, allowing yourself to make mistakes.

Allow yourself build compassion for those parts of you that feel scared. At the idea that others might not.

Fully understand you, at the idea that.

Your choices might not be liked, at the concept that not everybody is going.

To like all parts of you. I think it's incredibly powerful.

If we can sit in this idea that not everybody is going to like.

You, that doesn't make you a less than person.

That doesn't make you unworthy.

It just means that we're all different people, and it's quite a beautiful and powerful thing. And it's okay that not everybody is.

Going to like all the parts of you. Now, if that one feels too strong.

If it feels too strong to say.

I'm going to accept that not everybody likes me. Let's shift it down to, I can.

Accept that people are not going to like all of the parts of me.

And holding compassion while you're doing this work is so important. I was thinking compassion has become such a catchphrase that I know sometimes it can be hard to really know what it looks like. And so I'll leave you with one question, which is, what would I say to a dear friend? And to a dear friend, you wouldn't say, try harder. Prove yourself. You just need to explain a little bit more, and then they'll like you. You would say something like, I get that this is hard, and it's okay.

If you're not their cup of tea. I like this part of you. I like these pieces that you bring to our friendship. Here are all the reasons why I like you. And it's okay if you haven't gotten there yet, because I'm going to hold that up for you. And you can also learn to accept this part of you and be kind to you.

That's what we would say to a friend.

All right. And maybe the most powerful of all is daring to not be liked. Let that land dare to have every part of you not be liked and still stand in your worth. When I think of my own journey.

In motherhood in this season of Adulthood.

I think of the last 10 years, and that is probably something that I have worked on the most is this.

Idea that not everybody is going to like me.

And that's just okay. All right, let me leave you with these words.

You are allowed to make mistakes.

You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to take up space.

If this episode made you think of.

A conversation you've been overplaying in your.

Head or a moment when you felt yourself needing to prove, I see you.

These patterns are old and they make sense.

And I invite you to start calling out the adaptive child that shows up for you, the one that needed to protect you at a time and to remind that little part of you that you are an adult today.

You have a sense of agency that you can step into your wise adult and that you can be more relational. You can focus on connection with the people that you love. If anything resonated from today, send it.

To a friend who maybe says to you I just want them to understand. Or to your partner who needs to hear that it's okay to not always be right and you don't need to over justify. All right, if you're doing this work right now and want support, I'm here. Hang out with me. Come say hello to me over on Instagram. Leave me a few words here. I always like to remind you that your reviews are what help people find the podcast. So click the stars. Leave me a few words. Click subscribe and I will see you next week here on Dear Dr. Tracy, take good care of you and remember you are right where you need to be. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this information is for educational purposes only and.

Does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider.