You’re Not Broken: The Real Reason You Still React After Leaving a Toxic Partner—and How to Rewire for Connection

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Hey, it's Dr. Tracy. And if you've ended a relationship with someone who made you doubt yourself, question your worth, or you had to walk on eggshells just to keep the peace, please take a breath with me, because what you're feeling right now is real and it makes sense. Healing from a toxic or narcissistic relationship is not just the emotional work that you need to do, but it's also the NERV system work. And so a lot of people come to me saying, I've ended this relationship with this toxic person. What do I do next? And that's exactly what I'm answering here. So when we're in a relationship where we're constantly shamed, blamed, dismissed, or made to feel less than, every time we make a mistake, your nervous system learns something. It learns mistakes aren't safe. Disagreements aren't safe. My Needs aren't safe. And here's the thing. Neurons that fire together wire together. Meaning when those hurtful moments happen over and over again, the body develops this reflexive response, even long after the relationship ends. Here's what I mean when I say neurons that fire together wire together. For people who are listening, I want you to imagine I'm holding out my two fingers. So my first finger is that you make a mistake. The second finger is the experience of shame or blame or being dismissed by your partner. Or over time, this continues to repeat. And there's a wiring that happens in your brain. So I'm taking a string, actually it's a cord that I found, and I'm wrapping it around those two fingers. And every time this experience happens, this is what happens in your brain. You make a mistake, you have a disagreement, then you learn it's not safe to have that. And again and again, this is what we mean by neurons that fire together wire together. So now, when you've left the relationship, or maybe even with a new partner, when something doesn't go perfectly, when plans change, when you forget something, when emotions rise, your body reacts as if you're still back in that old situation, that old wiring lights up just like it did before. And I want you to hear this clearly. You're not broken. You're simply responding from conditioning that kept you safe because those wired together. But now, here's the thing. The work is we want to do this rewiring. And that takes practice. It takes compassion and patience. And anytime I work with clients, I remind them that this is taking a long time, moment to moment. These are the tiny micro moments with your partner. These are when things go off the rail and you have to practice one of these things. I'm going to leave you with three things here to do. But this isn't something that just goes away overnight. And I just can't help but emphasize that you're not broken, but you were in a really hard experience before and it impacted you. So here's what I want you to keep in mind. 1. When something goes wrong, give yourself a heavy dose of I am still okay, you can say it out loud. I'm putting my hand on my heart. You just need to let that new message meet that old wiring. That's how the new rewiring starts. It's not through perfection, but it's through repetition so that you learn. I'm holding up my fingers again and wrapping the wire around that when I make a mistake, I am still loved and safe. And those two things can get wrapped around together to practice safety with your partner or with someone who feels safe. So here's the thing. For many of my clients who have left toxic relationships, this really is uncomfortable at first. Trusting again is really hard. Letting someone in, letting your body settle, looking at your partner and remembering they are not that person who hurts you repeatedly. This is not about you and your lovability the way that old person made it all the time. So I love when couples can try simple co regulation exercises. So I've got one here. The next time something gets heated or tense. So pause the conversation. I literally hold my hand up and I say, okay, wait, pause, hang on. Place your hands gently on each other's chest. Listen, this is going to feel maybe a little awkward at first, but I want you to try it. Put your hand on each other's chest. Sit across from each other. We're going to look into each other's eyes. Just focus looking into your partner's eyes and breathe together for 60 seconds. Sometimes I get my clients to put their foreheads together and to look into each other's eyes. And it does feel difficult when you first start to do it. But here's the thing. Even though it feels forced, it feels silly. It is one of the most powerful ways for you to retrain your nervous system so that you can start recognizing connection can be safe. And I don't have to protect myself the same way I used to before. Okay, number three. I want you to continue releasing that stored stress from your body. I'm intentionally taking my arms and moving them down. Those toxic relationships leave residue not just in your mind, but also in the way you breathe and your posture and your muscles. And healing is both the connection between mind and body. So I tell my clients all the time, go find movement every single day. Do a daily walk to discharge tension. Do some breath work to soothe the anxiety before it spirals. Lean against the wall, feet planted and feel your shoulders and your head and your back touching the wall or shaking your hands and moving that energy through you. These are small practices, but they can help your body learn this new baseline of safety. It's so important. And finally, I've already tapped on it here, but self compassion is your anchor. You didn't imagine what happened, you didn't overreact. You survived something deeply dysregulating and now you're learning to live differently. Healing isn't linear. It's not just going to happen with the next partner because you've chosen someone new. There are going to be old patterns that Flare up when you hear something that reminds you of your past. You have to choose not to go back there, but instead find safety in this moment. But being kind to yourself, not critical because the criticism keeps you even more stuck. And remember this, every time you pause, you breathe, you choose kindness towards yourself. You're actually creating this new pathway in your nervous system. Here's what I'm going to leave you with. You deserve relationships where mistakes are just mistakes. Where conflict doesn't threaten your entire worth. Where safety and security and soothing and being seen is mutual. It's part of both of your worlds and it's consistent and not pulled out from you just because something was hard. And I'll finish this here. You're doing this work. It's hard and I'm proud of you. Thank you for joining me here today. Thank you for clicking play. I'll see you next time.

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