Beyond Satisfied Sex Hacker’s Guide to Endless Orgasms, Mind Blowing Connection & Lasting Confidence

We've got the sex hacker back in the house, glitterati. It's a party. In episode 157, he taught us how to dismantle insecurity in the bedroom and shape shift into a confident, transformative lover. And yes, he did. He is one of our favorite self proclaimed guys who went from a sexually insecure Asian immigrant with an average sized who GQ now calls the world's greatest size sex hacker. And Playboy says he's a personal trainer for pussy. So I mean, he couldn't be a better guess.

You just made him blush.

He's here to reveal the secrets from his new book, Beyond a Sex Hacker's Guides to Endless Orgasms, Mind Blowing Connection and Lasting Confidence. Please welcome back to the Clit Talk Studio Kenneth Play.

I'm so excited. Thank you for having me.

Yes.

I think we're more excited.

Oh my God, that intro. Every time I hear it and I'm like, oh my God.

Oh, that's me.

I know, I know.

Yeah. And for anyone who hasn't listened to the first episode we did with Kenneth, go back and do yourself a favor, go back and listen to that first because there's some important information in there that we're going to be leapfrogging off of in this conversation. I think it was 157. Was this the first episode?

Right.

So yeah, so go back to 157 if you haven't listened to that one where we really, we were just, you know, getting to know Kenneth still at that point. Now we go way back.

Yeah, we were.

And we were talking before. We were actually talking about you and one of our other friends did a really awesome squirting video that some of us. Yeah. Shout out to Riley and the girls were talking about it. They're like, have you seen it yet? And I was like, okay, I'm gonna have to go watch that immediately after this. It is X rated, right? So it's explicit. I don't know if that's the right term, but I feel like that would be. That is like the best way to teach because how are you just supposed to explain it?

I mean, I know it's like crazy with sex that, that, you know, when I was a personal trainer, I could bring someone in front of a squat rack and teach you how to squat. But sex, that most of the time you got like, got to bring a doll and. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah. I love showing it live.

It was such a great explanation though because you went through for the guy like, oh, you're going to exhaust this muscle in your forearm. So this is how you adjust your body. And then my husband and I watched it, and he was like, this is, like, really good information. Yeah, so kudos.

And I love the affirmation of, like, as she's climaxing and, like, so the education. It's like, this really is working.

Getting live reaction. And we love.

Yeah. Like, how to read ironic cues. Yeah, she was great.

You know what's funny? You know how I actually know Riley at my gym, and she told. She originally told me she was a stunt double, which I guess kind of is true. But then. Then she kind of. We're kind of feeling each other out. She's like, are you. Like, how much can I tell you? And I'm like, I think you can tell me everything. And so then she finally told me everything. I'm like, you have to come on the podcast. And it was really.

She did anal sex 101?

Yeah, she did.

She was really awesome.

She used to teach us pawn butt class at one of the swinger cruise company that we work for.

A cruise?

Ye. Yeah. Stringer's cruise. Yeah. She teach a point butt classes. Legendary. And before all of those things, like, I met her in New York. I was her personal trainer for a little bit.

Really? Well, she looks fantastic, so good work.

Wait, so on this swingers cruise, is it explicitly teaching people how to.

Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. I mean, it's so much easier to do it that way, so I could just do show and tell, you know, and also, I. I actually follow the medical model. You know, you. You teach one, you watch one, you do one, and then you teach one. That is the best way to kind of learn skills. So, yeah, I think that's the best format. So if it works for Surge and we could do it for sex too.

Yeah, absolutely.

I see you, Kenneth, especially. Okay. All right, so one of the. One of the. We have so many questions for you today, and one of the main reasons we've brought you on today is because you have a new book coming out and.

Yes, came out. It came out.

Oh, came out.

That's right.

It came out February 8th. Right, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

And in the introduction of your book, you talk about how you're the world's most unlikely porn star. Kind of what we're just talking about. Can you talk about a little bit more of the different types of, like, explicit videos that you do and how you sort of, like, fell into that?

Yeah. You know, the most recent one was a masturbation one with Erica Lust during the pandemic. Which is one of the most awkward video that I ever thought I got to make.

But I just almost fell out of my chair.

I know, I know. What do you do in the pandemic when you like pleasuring yourself?

Okay. I was like, were you masturbating or were you instructing her how to masturbate?

No, no, no, no. I'm masturbating. That was like, how's everybody masturbating during the pandemic? So yeah.

And she was just like on zoom with you.

No, no, no, no. We just recorded. And so yeah, that was, that's one of the videos. But that's something that I never thought I would do. I remember having crippling sexual insecurity most of my childhood to adult life. Like coming to the US in the tender age of 11, being really dyslexic. So like I mastered bad English and bad Chinese listener. Hope you forgive me if my English is not that great. So being super awkward and Asians penis size is butt off every sexual jokes. So. So you grow up with that. Then you watch porn where you there. It's not like you're not showing the bell curve or penis. They're only showing like.

Right.

The outliers are penis. So imagine you hold life. All you see on TV is like Shaq and like the Rock. Everybody is like six, seven and up, right. And you think life is the basketball game. So. So going up with that worldview, you just never think that you're enough. And overcoming that insecurity is a little different. You know, I thought if I adapt a growth mindset like I did most of my life, I became a personal trainer. I thought Asian wouldn't be a good athlete. I became super fit, learned how to hack my body, look like a Marvel superhero, gain muscle, losing fat at the same time. But when it comes to sexual insecurity, if you think you come too fast, your dick is too small, you don't last long enough, it feels like doom. There's nothing you could do about it.

Yeah.

So coming from that, and luckily I just been exposed to like amazing sex positive community, the sex party community in New York. And then education, kink, tantra research. I mean the best sex research that I could possibly find in combination all that really changed my life forever. So now I have this weird life.

And I gotta say, it's like, it's. I think that like, you know, you're speaking to something that I think a lot of people can relate to in one realm of their physical body, body or not. And I, you Know, I have to say, I've never heard a man share so vulnerably and powerfully. We call that vulnerageous, vulnerable, and courageous. And it's. I just think it's so great that you're willing to talk about this and remove the stigma because it takes people like you to, like, I'm sure there's some other man listening to this right now that is like, oh, my God, I'm not alone in the world. Like, I could. If he could do it, I could do it too.

You know, it's also such a big myth because we look at penis sizes on and be all. So if that's. If that's the case, then every woman will own the largest dildo. And like, like, ladies, if you pop your collection out, I bet it's.

I have no dildos in that range.

Yeah, that's a lack.

But I don't prefer, like, the big. I remember going to the Hustler store and they only had, like, the really large ones. And it was like. I was like, I can't do that. Like, that's crazy.

I really like my huge double sided dildo. I will say.

Yeah, but that's just for optimization so that you don't tire your arm out.

Yeah.

Like you.

I like it so long. I don't have to, like, you know, contort my body.

You don't have to be like.

Katie thought the double sided dildo, like, the other end of it was like, for you to hold to make it easier for you.

I thought it was long to make it like, ergonomically easier.

She didn't realize it was a dildo.

I didn't know what it was.

You could bend you.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It is one of my favorite toys, though, for sure. The double sided.

Well, you can double penetrate yourself with it, which could be. Yeah, I could see you enjoying that.

I've never.

I tried that. I tried to do that and put it in my mouth actually last week, and it was really hard.

I'm sorry.

I mean, repeat that. No, no. I think what Kenneth is saying is you bend it into you. You put one in your. And one in your. Like you double penetrate your.

I mean, you have to have a.

Really long double sided dildo to fit.

It in your mouth.

It was really.

I know. It was really hard.

I was trying something new. There was. I was trying to plug all my holes. I was trying to plug all my holes.

You officially have the largest dildo and.

You thought the toy company. Now you got to make a triple. Yeah. One for your seal, you can make the Aquaman one. You know, like a 2N.

Oh my God. That could be my product.

Yeah.

Plug all your holes in one toy.

Please go over to Katie's closet and get your the Aquaman edition dildo, airtight Aquaman special.

I just love Katie how you were like, oh, I'm trying to plug all my holes. But the second one you consider is your mouth and not your asshole. Like, that would be like for me, as a double sided dildo, that would be like the first thing I would try. I'm like, obviously double penetration, not how do I fuck myself and suck a dick.

You're so generous.

You know, I just tell all here on the show. I found it very erotic to plug my mouth, which was unexpected for me.

I'm sure Kenneth knows why that is.

Silence. Silence.

No, that's a lot of people fixation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you know, they're. Yeah, there. You know what's interesting is that we walk around in life thinking like the game, like the life is a basketball game, right? And being taller has a total advantage. I mean, significantly taller. So in that way, most guys who are my height like 5 9, 511 or 5 6, around that range will walk around with a Napoleon complex. They're thinking they're like 4:11. Like that's how secure the world is.

Yeah.

Right. So. So I'm not saying that like there's definitely size queens out there. I love big boobs. Right. So there's like this, this definitely a size preference, but it's not what, you know, for majority of women of over owner, they, they prefer what fits them and what doesn't hurt them and what gives them orgasm all the time. And it's not always bigger. Bigger is better. I think that's something that really profoundly change.

And one of the things that you talk about in your book, and these are your words, not mine, fuck like a beast with any penis size. Let's, let's talk about that. Like, so how does that actually work? So like, yes, there are some people that just prefer, you know, a huge. But I'm not one of those people. So how for any of the people listening, maybe for the females who their partner just have a smaller or more, I would say average nor normal penis. Or, or for men listening, how do you fuck like a beast at any size penis?

Well, the first thing is most penises fit most vagina rather well. You know, like most shoes fit most feet. And then if you look at the demographic, how they order shoes, you know, it's like most size, this is right in the middle of the bell curve range. So it does actually take a larger or more flexible vagina to fit a huge in there. So like, and then vagina size, which we don't really talk about because I actually went on and like look at all the literature. I have one of the best neuro researcher look at vaginal size to penis comparison. And the key is that most, most, most of the pairing works really well. Like the extreme cases, if you're a really, really tiny vagina, right? And really shallow cervix and you have a 12 inch, it's just not like a good day.

The math is not there.

But most people fit. Yeah, most people fit. But I think how to fuck like a beast is really, you know, in order for your partner to be in the most receptive state, having a couple warm up orgasm right when they really desire you to is really the energy and it's really about pressure too. So you could find the right angle, the right stimulation and then the right arousal level. So because you could be psychologically turned on, you could be physically turned on if you angle it just right. And rhythm is so key. Like we joke around. Like it's not like it's the motion of the ocean, but that bit matters so much. I mean for three of you, how many times in your life that remember a guy is doing well, you're giving him feedback, he's like, he's actually playing on beat, right? Like he's on key with his music. And as soon as you start going and you're getting there, motherfucker. Decided to play another song. Yes. Oh my God.

Either way, dj, I just want you.

To do I dropped the beat at the wrong time.

I just want you to play the one song on repeat until I tell you it's over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just played the same song.

Yes.

So it's really about learning how to use the cock you have. Learning how to stimulate the right spot with the right amount of pressure that feels good, that generates that rhythm and that consistency that feels good. And then there's so many way to orgasms too, you know. And most, most women require some type of external clitoral stimulation in order to have orgasm. So you could be that like less than 18, 15%. That's great, right? That makes it, makes it a lot easier straight up. Just like penetrative sex. That's awesome. But for the 80% of the population, you need some Qatar stimulation. And I want to add one point I think is very important for straight guys to understand this, imagine you are hooking up for the first time on Tinder and this girl just put on a strap on and your ass without ever touching the head of your penis and asked you to come. That's the percentage. So if you are one of those guys that doesn't need any penile stimulation, no touching of your head of your penis and you could come from having your ass fucked up. And to tell you, I asked many gay men in the gay community. Most gay men still want their cock stroke while they're being fucking their ass to come. So it just biology, you know, it just, you know, the same wiring just layer differently. So that's why it's so important.

Yeah, it's interesting you mentioned like vulva size and I definitely, I feel like there's, there's always like that fear for women that like, oh, am I loose or am I not tight enough? And, and you know, it's just, it's nice to hear you say like there's a bell curve and like. Yeah. So have you ever had any experience with that and like what can we say to women to like relieve that shameful like scary conversation?

No. Women suffer the same sexual myth. Right. The tighter the better. Right? The idea of tighter. Tighter is not. So there's also, you know, in the book I go over like what female arousal, like genital. When you get a lady boner, what actually changes and then the whole flexibility. But you know this. Sorry Carly B. That you have that song like wap, it talks about put this Big Mac truck in my tiny garage. It does not happen that way. You could have a very stretchy garage just. But most Big Mac truck. Yeah, both Big Mac truck parks in truck garage. So that's how, that's how it actually fit. But again, most people are right into the middle. But you could gain flexibility just like most people. You know, if you have normal range of motion, you could touch your toe. But if you practice yoga quite a bit, you could put your leg over your head. So your vagina could gain the level of flexibility that it required to stretch over time. But not the most comfortable. That's why most long term relationship sex people prefer a comfortable penis over one that you need a lot of warm up and stretching.

Yeah.

Because the probability of pain is higher if you always trying to do a crazy split if you're not a martial artist kind of thing. Right.

Yeah. Nina Hartley taught us that there's daily dick and then there's special occasion.

You know, especially with Asian cuck needs to warm up and needs the flexibility. So it's everybody's preference. Right. But if you have. If your daily becomes the, you know, like a size that you stretch to, then you gain the flexibility on adaptation standpoint. But what creates a tightness is your PC muscles and your. Your. Your ability to contract.

So that do help with strength. Like strengthening that muscle. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

The amount of squeeze, the amount of like physical squeeze that you could use your muscle for and then the default shape and the shape of the cave varies quite a bit too. It's fascinating. And I have like about a thousand sample size in my hand.

Wow.

So I kind of. Yeah.

It can also vary depending on where you're at in your hormone cycle because your uterus drops when you're ovulating. And I've experienced. That's when I've experienced pain actually where I need to be a little bit more careful with penetration.

I think I've bruised.

Yes, I talked about that. Yeah, I talked about in my book too, like how it changes through cycles and how the cave all. All work. Yeah.

On the page. Like if you go in your book on that page and you. And you scan the QR code, it takes you to an animated version.

An animated version because there's no. I'm like. Because the 2D graphic drove me crazy in black and white. So I go like, like I want to show motion. So the best way to just like demonstrate emotion. So every 2D, like black and white diagram goes to a color one emotion on the website as well. So you always get updated stuff on top of it.

Oh, that's awesome. Your work is so another thing.

For those of you listening, he just showed a QR code in his book that you can actually scan, which goes along with your hacks brand so well.

So another.

And you can watch all this crazy conversation on the YouTube channel if you please subscribe.

Okay. Are we done plugging ourselves, ladies?

Go ahead, Lindsay.

Okay, so another thing that you talk about in your book, a favorite topic of mine is you really talk about fulfilling her naughtiest fantasies by understanding her erotic mind. Can you speak to that?

So there's this. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So, you know, I think men gets really confused sometimes because I think everyone, every woman is different. How do I figure this out? Right? Like most people have very diverse taste in food like this. You know, like Asian food tastes so different than Italian food food. They all delicious. Some people would have preference. But it's still. There's a. There's a principle around food. There's still main flavors and et cetera. So you could. But there's something I call pledger wiring, which is your heart wiring what arouses you and what feels good to your physical body. So I have an entire system on teaching people literally how to figure that out. So. And also there's timeline change. I love Neil Ali Wong's new special. She talks about in the beginning. I like it when he's really smooth and he's really like romantic. But at the end I want him to get a little rapey, you know? Right. So you have to learn her her preference on that cycle. Now, obviously it's not like it's a gross generalization. Every woman like it that way. That's not true. But your job is to figure out her wiring and what arouses her. So I talk about pledge of personality. Does do you need to turn in this to a CrossFit workout or do you need to turn this into a romantic, you know, rose petal variation? Or do you want to be kinky, you know, as submission, power, domina. Right. Or do you want this to be a spiritual like eye gazing, intimacy, max. But you have all those different flavors that you could bring in and you could bring in a different time. But generally there are people's desire and fantasy is pretty hardwired to a certain degree. And then it's malleable over time. So your job is to figure that out and it's really not that hard.

Oh, good. Good to know. And one of the things that you also talk about that really sparked my interest was, you know, you talk about curating a 90 minute orgasmic experience. What the actual fuck does that mean? Does it mean you're coming for 90 minutes straight?

It depends. Your definition of climaxes versus the feeling of orgasm. Right. So you could come for a relatively long time. I don't. 90 minutes at climax. It would be. I mean, you better have some calories in you. Yeah. But a short story back back to what I did for a really long time for writing the book and doing this research. I. Because I lived this such an unusual life. I work for my mentor Pamela Matson at this retreat called Back to the Body Retreat where we give people a 90 minute somatics. A sex education experience. So I learned how to get your nervous system like the foreplay is to get you to the state of that you reach like a no trust level. Right. You want to feel safe and excited at the same time. Relax. Right. And playful. So how to get your body in that state when your mind is no longer thinking about some other like, did I Float my laundry. Did I tape this like podcast correctly? Is the mic wiggling house of my Internet connection. And when all those things are not in your head.

Yeah.

And you're fully in your body. And then you take them to journeys of orgasm. Because like American is, is a very interesting culture where we like to isolate things like G spot orgasm, only touching the G spot. Or I'm doing the carnivore diet, I'm only eating meat. Or I'm like vegan, I only eat, you know, whatever. It's excluding things. But when it comes to our sexuality, it's like a full keyboard. Right. We, you don't have to just pay one key. So in order for you to play a 90 minute concert, you have to have all the keys and you could, you could, you could kind of lace of connecting all the different type of orgasms. So you could go from external clitoral orgasm into a more G spot focused one into a double penetration with something in her mouth at the same time. For Katie, you could do the Aquaman and then you could bring it back down with some central massage. So you could take it into your entire journey when you are layering. But I think it's more, I think the Japanese style like omakase, when you lay down the flavor. So you start off light and delicate and gentle and you build your way up and then you have an epic, you know, main courses to the climax and you bring it down, you know, the plane back down correctly. So I talk about how to curate that whole experience. And like so from the emotional psychological part to all the technical part, here's all the things that you could technically to create that.

So I have a question.

It's more like a buffet instead of fast food sex.

Yes. No, it's more like I like it if you, I mean like if you get to the Gordon Ramsay level and cooking, then you could create a nine course meal with the right pairing at the right time, with the right restaurant atmosphere. You know, it's about the whole experience. So I like, I like it all. So I think it's art form and, and we should treat it that way.

So a common question that we get here and just because you are the world's greatest sex hacker, I want to ask you one of the common questions that we get is how to like relax. Like we have a lot of busy moms. They're like 90 minutes, I'm lucky if I have 10. Or just getting out of your head. And especially not using any sort of substances. Like sober sex. Right. Like how to Relax when you're stressed and and sober to like allow yourself to even have two of the courses that you just described.

You know, you could have a nine minute meal and a 90 minute meals if they both could be great. So it really up to their individual preference and the time permitted. But I think the structure doesn't change. That person still need to get out ahead. So transition is a really important thing. You know, when you walk into a bedroom or you're walking into the podcast or you're walking into the spa, your. Your feeling is different. So for a lot of busy moms, one of the things that is not arousing is being a responsible mom who have to take care of all the shit that is not, that's not going to make her pussy wet. Right? So. And one of, one of the things that like guys don't understand is your dick pic doesn't turn her on because she needs to be turned on about herself. She needs to feel hot and sexy. So the biggest, most important transition is to. For her to feel beautiful. And I'm sorry, ladies, like, lingerie is really for more for the ladies and the guys. We really don't care. We can't tell Victoria's Secret from Honey Burdette or whatever, but you have to make sure that you admire the detail of the lingerie and really appreciate it. Just like you lie to us. Oh, it's so amazing. You could bend so much and you could deadlift this much. Oh my God. It's the same exact thing.

But.

But it's important because the arousal is for her, right? Arousal is her feeling sexy. And it has a lot to do with mating science. Because in nature, right. Is we're like competing and you select us. Right. But we also like scanning for who. So. So your goal is to make her feel as sexy as possible and remove all the responsibility. Like, let her leave management and is probably one of the most sexiest things that you could do. Like, here's a time that's dedicated for you. Like, I saw the faces you all have, right? The time that when you like run a bath, like create that and then make her feel sexy as fuck. And that is a winner.

Yeah, I just took like a really big deep breath after you said that. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, that sounds nice.

Yeah. Transition. My favorite, yeah, my favorite line that I talk about in the book is that after sex, just say, don't manage anything. There is a moment where you just finished coming and your responsibility kicks in. If you remind her, go like, I got this. Don't manage anything. Just stay here for a while. That is probably the sexy shit you could say.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Sweet.

Yeah, yeah.

That's so adorable.

Well, that's gonna make her want to experience this again with you.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Oh, that's awesome. All right, so what are your top five new favorite hacks your Brooklyn sex positive community is raving about, would you say? Because we're on the west side here.

Yeah, my favorite sex hack, I think, you know, I think I taught a lot about squirting and now actually doing the world largest survey on it. Not because of this party trick. I think we over glorify it in porn than this party trick. But there is one key lessons in there I think is so important for everybody. And you guys want me to show it right on there? You want the video version of it too so I can show it? Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is also PG13. I'm showing the PG13, but you can watch it on my website for free. They're, they're, they're explicit version. So the whole idea is you have two different types of nerves, right? Two type. There's many different types of nerve, but two main. One, one is a somatic nerve, like right on your clit, like the head of your penis, like your lips and fingertip. They're very sensitive to different details and touch, right. And they're. You could feel very fine detail. Just like if the guy didn't cut his fingernail. You feel it if I just cringe. Yeah, we're like so. Yeah, but internally it's not like this texture kind of sensation. It only really responds to pressures, the visceral nerve. So when you're pressing those nerve insides, pressure base, right. So the idea is like, you know, if you just jabbing, you're creating friction with your. Your in and out motion is not creating enough pressure. In order for the G spot, the cervix, I mean cervix a little bit, especially for the G spot to respond. So I like teaching squirting because I could teach them how to calibrate the right amount of pressure. So if I'm doing this like rocker motion, I'm rocking up. And on my book there's like a 3D diagram that you can see from the inside. That motion creating enough pressure and enough. Enough consistency and speed, then it's the first time that someone potentially feel the G spot responding differently. Now more importantly, usually the response is, oh, it feels like I kind of have to pee. And then women will clinch, right? She will clinch a Little bit and go like, I don't want to pee on my partner. And go into this negative cycle. I think for many, many female body people, there's the time in their life when they feel the sensation from penetrative sex when it's new and go like, ooh, it feels kind of like, I got a pee. So they start squeezing unconsciously. And that habit. So when you could teach a partner not to do that while that sensation is happening, but actually relax and bear down a little bit, it transformed that sensation to more of orgasmic energy. So sometime that, like, how can I describe it? You know, when you have period cramps, but imagine that same kind of crampy feeling, but a pleasurable one that could lead to orgasm. So you also have to learn how to nap. Like, teach a partner, if she. She hasn't, like, learned how to do it, is to relax and bear down a little bit. When I say you allow the sensation to pass through. And the way that I. I rubbed the G spot, I'm also in contact with the clit right here with my palm, so there's friction. So I'm doing this rocking motion. So I'm rocking the entire G spot, the bulbs right. Of their clitoris at the same time. So you could give. You could give a lot of sensation because you cover a big region of the brain of all the pleasure center. So if you dial it in. And you also could coach a little bit, and she's relaxing and receiving mode is a pretty intense experience. So I like teaching squirting because it covers so much of all the lessons that you need to teach at the same time. So that's definitely one of my favorite sex hack. And I. Yeah, that's awesome.

I just learned something there too.

So.

And.

And for those of you who are listening to this on itunes or something, you can get the full visual from our. Our YouTube page by heading over there right now. We'll have the link in our show notes, so. Exactly.

So.

So, Kenneth, another thing that we really focus on and we'd love to get your perspective on, is communication. And so, you know, one thing as I think we all know this, like, communication in the bedroom is so important. But what do you think in your many experiments and information you've gathered? What do you think stops communication in the bedroom for people?

I think the first thing is people don't know how to. Like, we always access educators. Kind of annoying. Communicate, communicate, communicate. But you don't teach how. So that's why I became the how to guy. Right. So the first thing There's a communication preference. I unfortunately I'm just look, I like tell it like as it is, right. You could even have like this hyper positive view. Is that still for most straight couples, the women do not want to teach that man how to them like it's just not sexy for many. Right. And not your head. Ladies. If you could relate, right.

Or you've tried and you've been told that you're bossy so you just like, yeah, I'm giving up.

Yeah, it's just shut down. So. So there's. There is a preference. That's why I'd rather do all the teaching for you ladies. It's so much easier, right? That I do. Yeah, I do the teaching bit. So that's a communication preference. And then there's styles of communication. Some people just love a chef special. I don't want to come into the restaurant and have to figure out what I want to eat. I want you to know what I want to eat. So some people love a, you know, a chef's menu, right? A chef's choice. And that's more of a kinky experience. And you especially want someone who's giving you chef's choices. Competent and the food is fucking delicious. And it blows your mind, right? Like that's the best combo. One of the best combo. And then some people like to order off a menu. So you have to have an extensive menu. So in order for her, like what do you want? Is a tough choice. Here's all the things I have to offer. And she could pick. Is also an easy way to hack communication. Here's all the things I love to do. Here's all the things I'm good at. She could just pick from the menu. And some people just love to be bossy and customize everything. Substitute my broccoli with brussels sprouts kind of people like those. A lot of the femdom kind of style, you might enjoy that too. And, and you might reverse some of their, their the power dynamics. But people have different preferences. It's really important to know your own pleasure wiring. Like I prefer it this way most of the time. But I think the other thing about communication, I talk a lot in my book is that sometimes it's going to be awkward and annoying. You have to embrace the awkward moment sometimes, not all the time. But talk about sex while you're not trying to have sex immediately. Talking over dinner when you're not fucking is a better time to communicate than in the middle of the act. Yeah, like the detailed discussion because that throws you off your head and you're back to Management, Inc. So we want to make sure that you're not there.

Yeah, that's a really good one. Yeah. And I could see that working for either whether you're in a serious relationship or just dating. You know, just talk about it on the date, like, before you get to the bedroom. What a concept.

Yeah, go ahead.

There's something about the timing of the communication, too, because I've. I've made the mistake where I've given feedback, like, maybe like 20 or 30 minutes after a sexual exchange. And that was a sensitive time. Like, that was not the time. After was not the time. So, like a time period in space that is separate from that moment, not related to right before. I've also done it right before, and that created pressure. So what would be if there is feedback for your partner, like, after or before? Maybe you're concerned going into a session, you're like, oh, I haven't. I want to talk to them about this thing. I hope they don't do it again. Right. And definitely not doing it after. Like, what would be a good way to set that up with your partner in advance so that they don't feel like put down.

I. Okay, so this is not very PC, but ladies lie. What I mean by lying is not fake. Your orgasm. So here's a lot of research. Say, praises work a lot better. So what you say is that I love it when you. Even if you've never done it before. Oh, I love it when you are so slow on my kid and you giving me those gentle kisses and you just lick it just right. Nice and slow. Even if he never done that in his life. Okay, say that and. Oh, I can't. Like, I just really want you to do that right now. Oh, my God, it's so good when it's slow. I keep calibrating with him, so it is a nice hack. You know, he feels good, right? Like. Yeah.

Positive reinforcement.

Yeah. Even if he never done it before. Yeah. That I like, I think the men's fear. Yeah. I think one of the fear that Madison was talking about earlier is that they feel like they did a good job. And then after they find out that it wasn't, that's the. That's the shit that, like, that the men fear the most. I thought I was doing good. Like. Like, you lie to me. Right? That's the bad version of the lying, but the good version is that there's also another rule that I think is very important. It's called the five second rule. Like, when you feel like you should give some feedback, like his fingernail is like. Like scratching, right. And you're like, thinking about saying something, but you didn't. If you wait more than five seconds, you're probably not going to say it. So as the thing arises, you go like it. Go like a. It. I don't. I'm not saying that you. We women is women's responsibility. It's ego. I just want to make that very clear. I'm saying that positive reinforcement works better in a sexual context when you're sexually aroused, like on our neurology, works better in that moment. Just like a coach is trying to say this the right thing to the player to get them to perform. So when you're in that role, you are trying to get the player you want them to win. Like, that's. That's the relationship. I want you to win at this game, and I want you to like, and I want you to want me to win. So if you have that attitude in that context, then the way we choose to communicate is to have their player perform well, to play well. So. So I'm not saying lying in the traditional sense, but you're coaching, right? In a way that you want them to. To perform better. And sometimes go when the. Just say if the fingernail is like, hey, you know, it's so sexy when you touch me. All your other fingers. And then, okay, after the sex. After the sex, go like, hey, let's go to our nails. Let's go do our nails together. Yeah. It's so sexy when your nails are so. Whatever. They get the point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, because there's nothing you can really do in the moment if you have, like, a nail. Unless you stop and go get some nail clippers. And, like, then it's kind of disrupted.

You're back to the manager. Like, you said.

Yes.

Yeah.

But put some. Have some gloves, too. I highly recommend that have. Instead of just condom, have some gloves if you really like, like, hand sex. Right. Or fingering just in case. Because sometimes, like, I work. When I work all the time, all the calluses, I have to do a lot of, like, hand care in order for soup. You could just put on a glove. It's so sexy when you put on this black latex scuff. You know, like, you can make it into a thing, too.

Yeah.

So I think that's an easy hack.

The doctor is here.

Yeah. Yeah. So have them snap it.

So something I want. Oh, my God.

I started calling my partner doctor in bed because my partner doesn't like it when I call him daddy and I'm like, what about doctor?

Oh, he was like, I like doctor more professional.

He's like, I feel respected now I'm an md.

Yeah, well, it kind of works because he, like, he'll.

He'll be so sweet and he'll, you know, if we're coming into an episode recording, he'll like, prep my vitamins and supplements. Because that's something that we do in our partnership and we, like, manage together. And I find it, like, it's really sweet. It's like an act of service when he comes and, like, gives me a little delivery of supplements and vitamins. So that's where it got inspired from too. I was like, well, you're kind of my doctor.

That's better.

I mean, an MD could stand for magic dick.

The doctor's in the house now.

Can I please bring that into my relationship?

Yes.

I offer that.

That was Katie's sex hack for you. So, Ken, it's something I've actually always wanted to ask you. You know, you're somebody who has put so much time into researching and writing these books for people. What does sex mean to you?

I think it's a way for us to truly connect with our animal part of ourselves, our whole self. Right. That different than analytical thinking is one of those experience that incorporate all your senses and it's transcendent. Right. It's like free drugs when it's done right. And I think, I think is such an important aspect of our lives that when it's neglected, it caused so much harm. It caused so much in the world. And it's a part that we could do. We could either create magic or create harm. So I really think it's so important to be educated. It should be treated as serious as food, as medicine, as whatever, you know, music, because, you know, good music change as a lie. But we don't put the same care and attention to sex because we made it into this dirty thing. So I'm trying to. I'm trying to elevate the way we look at sex as an art form, as something that we could be have a growth mindset. It takes skill, practice, talent, and honing something and mastery is sexy. I just got interviewed for, I think as insider or inside hook that talks about, you know, you could be Jeff Bezos in the boardroom. It does not chance transfer that into the bedroom, but it does feel fucking good when you're Michael Jordan and a basketball court or you're Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen. So I want More people to have that feeling, that competency right in the bedroom so they could feel the lasting.

Confidence and that and that just that I love that like your whole philosophy. And then so the students that are coming to you like what is the most common question that you get for them? Inside of their sex and like, like their communication inside of sex.

How do I get my girlfriend to have anal? I'm kidding, I'm not kidding.

But he's like, I'm actually totally serious.

No, no, no, no, no. You know I did. You know this is kind of a sad view in some way that men are not inherently selfish. There's so many like there's some, definitely some inside some psychopath out there. But I think majority of us really care about our partner satisfaction. We want to feel good when there's someone that we care about feels good. Like it's innate. It's just like, you know, you could talk about women feeling nurturing. There's a part of men that really loves being someone who, who become your md, your magic dick. Right. So that brings you that vitamin like that same energy. And we want, we especially want to have that in the bedroom as well. However, we feel very lost when it comes to the bedroom because we're not educated, we're not taught. We're expected to know everything when we don't train them on anything. And then you make them watch the Fast and Furious, learning how to drive by watching porn, learning how to have sex. So we set them up in so many ways. And then they get shit on all the time too. Right. Because it's slim picking out there. They're not. So what I see from all my male student is that it's not really, you know, like some are like, are thinking about cockseyes, some are thinking about last longer but ultimately they really care about their partner's pleasure and they want to learn. And I think those guys should be loved, rewarded and cherished because they put in the effort to learn and, and yeah that's, that's so surprising. There's so many of them out there.

Yeah.

Oh we love those men out there that are committed to learning.

They're the majority.

I wonder if there's. Are there things that you know, the opposite sex or you know, even whether, even if you're in a same sex relationship that sort of shuts that innate response down that we can avoid and like how to, like how to get that, you know if, if we're, if, if someone is feeling like they want to start opening up their sexuality with their. Let's just say for the sake of this question, as CIS marriage. It's a woman wanting to get her husband to be more freaky and she feels very shut down or like he's not very open. Are there things maybe that she's doing that that's preventing that, or is there any hacks that she can do to start opening up their sex life more together?

I think creating a culture where you embrace sexual insecurity by education is a great way to start because it's not about your partner not cutting his fingernail. Although, guys, please take care of your nails. But, you know, get curious together, learn together. Because I think, I mean, I educate mostly straight male on how to pledge a woman, focus on female pleasure. But I think there's so much to learn, things to learn from. From women too, to pledge your men this. There's so much flavor and so many different recipe that works, but. And yet we only have one like jackhammer recipe in porn. Right. And it does work for some women. And I think that is a big part of the whole 90 minute arc. There is a part that you just want to get, you know, gorilla sometime, but it cannot be the only flavor.

Right.

You know, that's. That's the problem.

And ob, your book is a. Is a fantastic resource to start educating the men. But I'm just imagining there's someone listening right now that's like, I want to give this book to my partner. Is there a right or wrong way to do that? Like, you don't want to offend them by giving them this book, but you want them to have the education. Like, how do you nav. How would you navigate that conversation for the woman listening right now? That's like, I want to give this to my husband.

I get this question a lot. And again, lie. No, I'm kidding.

I think it's true.

No, no. I think first thing is that, you know, I been curious about curiosity. So embrace curiosity. I've been really curious about getting spanked or things like that. And I've been nervous about asking you because I don't know how to bring up this topic. And I'm always. I'm also curious about your pleasure. What am I. What do you desire from me that I'm not doing? So give first is also a good way to do it. Go like, what is it something that you crave that you desire. So when you embrace curiosity by being curious about your partner's pleasure, then they will kind of reciprocate the same thing. And then as positive reinforcement is so sexy. We could learn together. I love that you're like so open, so prime their brain, like and you know, put the inception on the identity as who you see them as, not what. You know, I think that is really helpful. But usually sharing your own curiosity and asking about what they desire and actually coming through, like, is there a thing that does it for you? Like, you know, and then I think most men have a hard time sharing what they truly desire too. Like, we've been, we've been programmed too. We should like a porn star. And that's what make us men. If we could gorilla like Joe Rogan, then great. Like that's their. I don't know. Don't get us in trouble with Joe Rogan. Yeah, I love him.

No comment. No comment.

No comment. No, he said gorilla a lot. That's why. Okay. And I think it's important too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I, I think, I think is, you know, really there's so. There's so many things that we could both party could learn. And I think male fantasy is fascinating. If you talk to gay men, you realize that male sexuality is so diverse and so deep because we, we kind of have a very stereotypical straight men, kind of like tits and ass. And then, you know. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't really work like that either.

Yeah.

And I think why. But I'm salivating so much right now. When you. The spectrum of male sexuality, I just started salivating. That must be the primal part of me coming out.

Yeah. And. And I think it's so important for men to learn how to at least one time in your life, learn how to be in that receptive state. Then you will understand your partner a lot better. That's always encourage men. Like have a prostate orgasm. Then you know how to fucking way better. Because you have this in body experience. What is it like to feel those nerves? Because the neurology is the same from both. Like there's different and want to get technical. Like there's brain differences and obviously like layout, but their feeling is very similar. So if you could learn how to have that experience in your body and then men could learn how to have a multiple orgasm, as in like a back to back prostate to penile orgasm. Then you understand, oh, this is how it works on my partner's body too. Except you guys don't need to, you know, sit on the bench and rest for that long.

Yeah, yeah. Well, and I think, I think another thing that can often. Conversation that can oftentimes get lost in when we're talking about sex, sex, sex, Is that intimacy? Right? Like that, that connectedness? Is there any. And we know. Congratulations, by the way. We hear that you're getting married soon. Yes.

Is that true or you're married?

No, no, married now.

Married now.

Okay. Okay, got it.

My wife Karen has two husbands. So there's me and Geronimo. We propose together. Yeah. I send you a video later.

Yes, please.

We propose together. Yeah, that's be.

Wow.

I love Aquaman.

Wait, what?

He loves Aquaman. I'm speaking with you, Katie.

Oh, I'm never gonna live this one down. Every time I share something sexual.

Is there anything that you do in your. With your primary partners or. I don't even know, is that what you consider them? Yeah. Okay. To, to really keep that intimacy alive, to keep that connection alive with each other.

Yeah. So I'm in a poly V relationship. It's just both of us love her and date her. I'm not sexually. I'm not sexually involved with Geronimo. We just, we kind of. Aquaman tech team. What situation?

What a lucky lady.

Yeah. Yeah.

Who is this woman?

She's amazing. But on the book I talk a lot about mind blowing connection because connection is so important when it comes to intimacy sex. That juicy, juicy oxytocin that could flow into your body. So one of their, one of modern's life like from being locked down in Covid, we don't connect as much. And that deep intimacy and connection and if you could combine that with amazing sex that has all the flavor from the soft and gentle romantic, tender into the kinky gorilla fucking aspect of it, you could combine it all with connection. So you could have that with the most casual sex that you could have. And what I mean by casual sex is at least fuck someone like they're your friend. Not that hard. It doesn't have to be your wife. It doesn't have to be your partner, your girlfriend, your friend. Well, so I think intimacy could be. You could have intimacy with friends as well. So we. The unfortunate. The unfortunate things that we only couple like sex and, and roll. Like only connection you have is romantic. It doesn't have to. I. I love my friends and we love to each other. And so you could have the level of intimacy while you doing all the relationship sex to, you know, friendly sex match at a sex part party.

I love that. I love that.

And so I really love friends too.

Yeah, Yeah, I love.

I heard that that's a term for that. It's the gatherer versus the hunter.

Yeah.

Like the hunter, the hunter likes new energy. Not necessarily Friends. Whereas the gatherer is like, I only want to my friends if I gather.

Them and bring them to me.

I love my new friends too.

I love fucking superheroes like Aquaman.

So I like fucking my husband and myself.

That's good.

That's why there's three of us.

I like fucking myself, but not fucking myself over. Okay. Anyways, yeah. So the book is called Beyond Satisfied. And so I've been wanting to ask you this question. What exactly is a beyond satisfied moment? What does that look like?

Oh, I'm so happy you asked that question. So the nerdy answer is that there is a moment where you, you create a new reference level on what good sex could be for you.

You.

So to name back the first time you have orgasm, it created a beyond satisfying moment that you register that my body is capable of having this feeling. Or the first time you did. Mushroom ayahuasca was a positive experience. You realize there's another level that is achievable. So a beyond satisfying moment is peak sexual experience that change your idea of what it could be. And so I dedicated a lot of attention to, to talk about what creates those experiences and how to have them. But unfortunately, I mean, fortunately, the bar is set quite low on what's possible. You know, like, we've been eating McDonald's and Burger King, so if you could feed someone a gourmet meal where their ingredient is fresh and delicious is truly epic. And you could, you could set new heights, you could create new points. You could truly become the goat. And I don't, I don't want people to attach too much of their ego, but you could be the greatest all time if you set a new reference level.

All right, I love that. I love that Michelin star.

Actually, technically, I just had a beyond satisfied moment this past weekend. Then I was like, wait, what? And tell us more. Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Well, I have not squirted that good in over two years. And I, my, my partner and I just got, we just really focused on getting into that relaxed space together. And we really talked about, you know, again, we're like, we bring this into our non monogamous relationship over and over and over again. You know what it, what's turning you on now, today, you know, like, as if we were going on our. Like, it was our first time having sex with each other because we've been together for almost eight years. So we took an overnighter and just got out of our house, got out of town and like, just gave ourselves like seven hours of time together alone to like explore each other newly. And I just think that time and space, you know, my pussy does not like to be rushed. She, she likes time and she likes spaciousness. So I really attribute the spaciousness to me fully relaxing, being fully present. And it was so distinct from the sex we had been having where, you know, I've been hustling pretty hard. So this I could tell for myself. I'm like, wow, I have not been. I was present in my body this weekend and I could tell because I had a nominal squirting orgasm. That was the best one I've had in over two years. I mean, since before COVID Yay.

And it was celebrate square.

That's awesome. With my partner.

My partner, nobody else. That's awesome. That's awesome. So, Kenneth, thank you so much for coming on and just having this incredible conversation with us. Remind our listeners a little bit about your book. The best way for them to get it because I'm sure everybody wants it at this point. And the best way for people to stay in touch with you and take advantage of all the incredible resources that you've created and the information that you have.

The best way to find my content is go to kennethplay.com and for the book, kennethplay.com book. Now, unfortunately, there's like many filters and Amazon put because it's children friendly, so they put the sex product all the way on the back aisle. So if you just go to my website, you will find all the international link from different countries.

Right.

And also have so many additional free content on my website. So before you want to check out my book, I encourage you to watch some of the video, check out some of the blogs. You can see all the things. And I love, I love teaching people one new hacks that could set a new reference level. So I hope you find something that changed your life.

I love that. I love that. Thank you so much, Kenneth. This was awesome. And thank you for having me.

All of you are awesome.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll have to come to party with you in New York or next time you're in la, let us know. We'll throw a play party in your honor.

Yes.

Perfect. All right.

We could merge communities.

We could merge communities. That would be hot. All right.

Oh, boy.

Katie. All right, Clati with that, we're going to see you next Tuesday. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.