2nd Marriage - Son Adoption

Welcome to my podcast, The Girl with the Red Door. I'm Kristjana Hillberg, your main host. You'll get to hear from people who divulge real and raw experiences on all different topics.

I don't like to bullshit, so here we go. Hello.

Hello.

Hi!

Hi!

Thanks so much for taking time to do this.

Yeah, no problem. When did you start doing this?

I just started. You are my very first person.

Oh, setting the bar high. I like it.

I know, I was just— well, it's National Adoption Month, so, which like was so random because I just decided to do this, and I was like, oh my gosh, it's a sign. Like, I have a different people who I'm super close to who have gone through, you know, the adoption process but in different ways. And so I was like, this is the perfect time, you know, to make a podcast, start it, and start it off with this topic.

Yeah, yeah. Well, cool.

I know, awesome. So let's just— how about you tell me a little bit about how the adoption process affected your family?

Okay, well, do you want to start with some background info or you just want to dive right in?

Yes, background. Let's do background first.

Okay, so I was married young, right after I— and shortly after found out I was pregnant, even though I was on birth control. Um, of course, the way I was raised, I knew right away that I was going to keep the baby. And so after pregnancy Um, Jonathan was born. Of course, marriage young and being a mom young are both very difficult things, so there was some struggle there. Um, I felt like I was doing it alone even though I was married, and you know, there were some rocky things, but overall it wasn't terrible. And then of course the mom shell hit that in less than a year of marriage there had been 13 different affairs um, dating way back to even during pregnancy. So made the decision that I didn't want that for myself or my child, to grow up in a rocky marriage without any trust. So filed for divorce. Um, my ex immediately left town. Um, I wasn't sure where he went to begin with, but he ended up going back to California, which was 12 hours away from where Jonathan was born and where he— we had been living. So then started the process of trying to co-parent with someone that, of course, you have some animosity with, but ultimately, um, you want the best for your child. And I was determined that I was going to make it work however that looked. So 2, 2 months after The divorce was finalized. I made this decision that I was going to go back to school. So I was working 45 to 50 hours a week trying to support myself and Jonathan, and then decided to pack on 15 credit hours. So, you know, my day looked like waking up, getting my kiddo ready, dropping him off at daycare, being at work all day long, picking him up, doing dinner, putting him to bed, and then staying up till 11 or midnight doing schoolwork.

Oh my gosh.

So, so I continued to do this, and of course Jonathan at this point, you know, is the 6-month to a year-old range. Um, I was continually sending photos, videos, trying to make contact with not only my ex but his family too, because I was adamant that even though he had screwed up, I wasn't going to hold that against his family. And that I wanted them to be as much of a part of Jonathan's life as they were willing to be, even from long distance, right? So this felt like banging my head against the brick wall, and it became very apparent to me that not only was he not ready to be in a marriage, but he was not ready to be a parent. So things kind of had to shift for me. I had to make the decision that, okay, he might not be part of this at all, and I need to be okay by myself for not only myself but for my child. So I continued working. I, you know, had been on a couple dates but had no intentions of being in a relationship. I was really focused on finishing my degree and really just focusing on Jonathan. So, uh, coincidentally, I met my now husband, and it started out very casually. It was a friendship. We were talking, you know, every evening, or chatting while I was doing schoolwork or whatever. But again, had no intention of any kind of serious relationship or any really romantic relationship at all. But of course And things evolved, and, um, we started a long-distance relationship— not super long distance, 3 hours— which was great because it allowed me, of course, as somebody that was having a difficult time trusting because of what I had been through, um, we really had to start out even our friendship with this amount of trust that I guess you would typically take longer to establish, um, you know, seeing each other every other weekend, taking turns visiting. Um, but I remember distinctly, you know, I would take Jonathan with me. Of course, at first, friendship, we're hanging out. He lived in a bigger city, there was more stuff to do. It was kind of escape, an escape from our regular day-to-day routine, which, you know, becomes kind of monotonous and all starts to blend together. So, um, I remember as things started to become a little more serious and romantic, and you're, you know, having to think about where is this leading, how's this going to affect me, how's this going to affect my kid, I remember a conversation between my husband and I, and it was me going to him and saying, look, I I know I come with a lot of baggage. You don't have to tell me that. I, I get it. And I just want you to know that I'm not looking for a daddy for my kid. I am fully capable and willing to do this on my own. If you want to be, you know, by my side along the way, great. If it's too much for you, that's fine. Tell me now. And, you know, to my surprise at the time, he was, um, very welcoming to the idea, and it kind of took me by surprise. So here began our relationship. Meanwhile, um, I think Jonathan had seen his biological father from the time of the divorce being final to when Bradley and I started romantically dating. Um, maybe he'd seen Jonathan on 2 or 3 occasions, which would have been— oh, like, it would have been on weekends for a couple hours each day. So there really wasn't an obstacle there at the time. So of course, as the relationship progresses, we were actually in the town that my husband lived in visiting. And Jonathan, you know, at this time is over a year old, between 1 and 2. And he was so cute, he would come up to me and say, "Hold you, Mom. Hold you, Mom," when he wanted picked up. Well, of course, by this time he and Bradley had made, you know, a connection, and he was very familiar with him. They would talk on the phone when, you know, it wasn't the weekend. Um, you know, it had become this cute bond. And, uh, Jonathan goes up to Bradley and says, "Hojumom, hojumom." And Bradley, you know, laughs a little bit, looks at him and says, "I'm not your mom." And Jonathan goes, hold your dad, and my heart dropped into my stomach. I was like, oh shit, what now, right?

I feel like a few of us have been there. Like, it really— and I mean, even if we were co-parenting and we've been in different situations where the dad wasn't absent, you know, but I feel like even when you do have a little person in your life and they're with you and your— and, you know, their biological dad, or if they're not, they still are just so young and they're still learning, like, who, you know, what roles people play in their lives. And right, I can, yeah, only imagine that you're like, what?

Oh my gosh.

Yeah. What happens now?

So it takes both of us by surprise. And I have to remember, of course, that he doesn't understand really what a father figure is. Um, you know, all he's been around is myself, my parents, of course me calling my dad dad, and my, you know, brother calling my dad dad, right? You know, that's really all he knew was my dad. So I didn't quite know how to handle it. And I remember that night putting Jonathan to bed. You know, by this time Bradley had bought toys for his house so that when Jonathan and I came to visit, he felt comfortable. He had his room that wasn't necessarily set up as his room, but he like had purchased a pack and play and had his toys in there, you know. So I put Jonathan to bed and I break down, and I'm not a real emotional female, but I broke down, tears in my eyes, and I looked at Bradley and I said, I just I don't get it. And he's like, what is there not to get? And I said, I don't understand why out of all the fish in the sea, out of all the girls out there, there's, there's some out there with no baggage or far less baggage. Like, why do you choose me? And his response was You know, my stepdad was my dad and is my best friend still to this day. And if the opportunity arose for me to be that for someone else, why would I turn that down?

He is incredible.

He is. I'm like, I want to be his dad, you know. It was this just totally natural, like if it works out and that's what I get to be for somebody, what's wrong with that?

So this is just so crazy. I'm like, your story is just— it's such an inspiring story. And it's just so crazy because I remember like that call that I got from you 10 years ago when you were like, I'm pregnant. And I just like, as you're, as you're walking through all of all of the things that have happened since then and in the beginning, I can— I'm like feeling, I remember. And like, even though it wasn't me going through it, I remember still like emotionally being a part of that and hearing you and like feeling it all. And I hadn't been through that at all, like not even close to any of that. But then, you know, just a few years ago, I myself, you know, went through a divorce and co-parenting now and we're both remarried. And so I can truly like feel some of that stuff that you're talking about, you know, like where you're working 50 hours a week and where you're working your ass off so that you can finish your degree and somebody else steps into your life and you're like, holy shit, like what role are you going to play? Like, are you, are you the right role? You know, and you just have so many questions and it really does take your breath away when that man is like, I'm here, like, I'm here for you and I will do anything that you need. And it's— it truly is an incredible feeling.

It is.

Yeah. So, you know, as the relationship progressed, I ended up moving in with Bradley. My job transferred me to the town that he lived in, and we, you know, I was in this weird place of like, we knew where this was going, we knew because I had told him, you know, I'm not, I'm not screwing around, you know.

It's—

is this a waste of my time? Because if it is, I don't have the energy for it. So if we're gonna do this, let's do it, you know. And he, he wanted not only me, but he wanted Jonathan. And to this day, I think back, and honestly, I feel like he fell in love with Jonathan before he fell in love with me, or, you know, simultaneously. I don't know. But they had this bond from the beginning that was undeniable. So we ended up getting engaged, and the day after we got engaged, he came to me and said, it's pretty clear that Jonathan is mine, but I want to make it official. And so, you know, of course I'm elated inside and immediately get a hold of an attorney. We started looking at the process, and this attorney at the time said, you know, the easiest thing to do would be to contact your ex. Clearly, you know, at this time he's $5,000, $7,000 something back in child support. He's seen the kid less than 40 hours total since the divorce. Uh, just see if he's willing to sign over his rights. You might be surprised. So, you know, we get all pumped up and I get ready to make the phone call and I'm like, this is going to be easy, like he's not going to have to pay anything, there's no obligation, it's guilt-free, like it's going to be a no-brainer. Um, and to my surprise, he blew up. I mean, absolutely blew up. And then immediately all the blame was placed on me that I had been withholding Jonathan, even though I had gone above and beyond trying to make him a part of Jonathan's life. And you know, at some point you kind of go into complacency mode and it's like, okay, well, if you want us or him, you know, we're here. All you got to do is say it, right?

Absolutely.

And so, you know, name-calling, whatever, we get off the phone and of course feel a little defeated.

November is National Adoption Month. If there are any questions that you would like answered in an episode, send me an email. Also, if you are listening from the Midwest and are currently thinking about, in the middle of, have questions concerning adoption, I want you to call Jeff Bruchewitsch at Bangs McCullen Law Firm in Sioux Falls. He has years of experience in all areas of adoption, both domestic and international. He is also an adoptive parent. Jeff will be able to help with anything you need.

He rocks!

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6 months goes by, no child support, no birthday phone calls, no gifts, no visitation, nothing. So now we're in October. Jonathan had just turned 3. We were married by this time. Um, Bradley came to me and said, let's talk to a different attorney. So I started doing some research, found an attorney in town that specialized in this type of thing, stepparent adoptions, and we went and had our consultation. Of course, you know, I lay out all of the evidence, all the, you know, all the phone calls. I had everything, phone records, every email I had sent to him or his family with photos, um, you know, with no response, whatever. So we decided we were going to go for it, see if he would go ahead and relinquish, or at this point we had enough that the state would potentially sever the parental rights. So we served the paperwork to him, of course, in California, 12 hours away. And within 48 hours, I get an email that they have— him and his mother have purchased plane tickets and would be exercising their visitation. Oh my goodness, that is a lot.

That's a lot, a lot of like emotional like waiting and like anxiety and unknowing. Right.

Oh, by the way, by this time I was also pregnant with my second child.

Oh my goodness.

So not only am I a hormonal wreck as it is, but now I have this stop-go-wait, what are we doing, what is he doing game that we have now begun. Yeah, absolutely. That had kind of been how our marriage divorce everything up to this point had been. It was really a control game, like, I'm going to talk the talk, but when it comes to any actions behind the words, it was empty.

So during this time, did you ever, did you ever second-guess yourself? Like, is this the right decision? Or were you always like, no, this needs to happen?

Um, I'm the type of person that I overanalyze to a fault. I mean, every little scenario. But once I make a decision, it's made. So, you know, when we had first talked about the adoption thing in May, I was like, okay, well, we can talk about it, we'll see if he's even up for it, but I need to really think about it. So for that 6 months, I had been thinking about it continually, to be honest. Um, but ultimately I knew it was not my decision. It would be Bradley's decision, it would be my ex's decision, or it would be the court's decision. But I had to get to a place where I was so confident that even if my ex was not willing, that I felt it was the right move for Jonathan. Not for me, not for Bradley, not for my ex, but for my child.

Did it make you nervous at all to think that you could potentially have to go in front of a judge who had no idea, like, about the situation?

Absolutely, because of course I automatically go back to in my relationship, a very controlled environment, a very downgrading environment, and every contact we had had since then, it was very belittling of me. So in my mind, going in front of a judge, it's like, okay, well, are they gonna buy all the BS? Was also why I had been so good about keeping records. I mean, everything. I kept everything. And I was always very, very careful with my words, um, because I, I had to be. I knew that anything I said or did would eventually be turned around and would bite me in the back.

Oh yeah, absolutely.

So we, of course, now we're in November. We've submitted all the documents to the court. He's been served. He does, with his mom, who I'm guessing is the one that purchased the plane tickets and initiated the contact, but we won't go there. I don't know for that, that for sure. But you know, considering it had been 16 months of zero contact, like nothing, right?

You kind of have to wonder like why.

Phone call, nothing. So, you know, at this point they come and visit. It's also, you know, it's very awkward. Jonathan has no clue who this person is that's trying to get him to call Dad when for the last 2 and a half years the only person he's known as Dad is Bradley. So we get through the weekend and it's kind of this weight lifted off my shoulders, of course, because it's over with. But, um, so now we're doing the waiting game again. We're waiting for a court date to be set. During this time, after him being served all the paperwork, knowing what, you know, what we're trying to put through the court, whether he has the ability to really relinquish his rights or it's going to be come before a judge and ultimately a judge is going to decide. He's supposed to file a response of whether he is going to contest the adoption, or he can at that point sign everything over, done deal. We never get the phone call. So now we're in December, now we're in January, no court date is set, no responses come in from my ex. So come middle of January, a court date was set for— I believe it was the middle, beginning to middle of February. And because there was no response that had been filed, there had been no contact from my ex, they set it for a 30-minute finalization hearing. Ultimately, the judge is going to go in and say, obviously this guy doesn't care, but we haven't gotten him to sign over voluntarily, but he's not showing up to court, he doesn't care enough to file the paperwork, we're just going to go ahead and sign everything over.

Yeah.

So court date set, we're feeling good, nothing comes in, you know, we get all dressed up. I've got my— let's see, my father-in-law was there to help watch Jonathan while Bradley and I were in court. We walk into court waiting for the judge to come in. My ex walks through the door.

Oh my word. I wonder— so much fight for like, like months of silence and then, you know, like popping up. I just, I just don't even get it, you know.

And I honestly don't either. I don't know if it was just like that was the last little bit of control he had over us. I don't know if it's a total mind game. I don't know if last minute he decided he needed to show up and that maybe he cared, or that maybe someday he would care, or, you know, I, I honestly don't know his heart or his motivation still to this day. And so now I'm 6 months pregnant. Talk about stress and anxiety. And we are Waiting for the next court date, which was set for the first week of March. We get to court, it's now set for a 4-hour hearing, allowed to bring witnesses. So of course, bringing character witnesses, bringing witnesses that have seen the connection between Bradley and him and Jonathan, um, a lot of Bradley's family who had also completely accepted Jonathan as their grandchild, their, you know, nephew. Yeah, of course. So I think we had a list of 25 different witnesses that were either appearing with us or were appearing by phone or had submitted letters. Um, you know, pretty significant stuff.

Oh yeah, 25 witnesses, that's a ton, right?

So of course at this point We know a court date's been set, but we have still not heard if he's planning on showing up to court again. I mean, we, you know, you have to submit what kind of evidence you've got so that the other party can either refute it or whatever. Yeah, uh, you have to submit your witness list. Had gotten nothing. So here again, we're like, okay, what are we showing up for, right? We don't know.

Waiting game. Yeah.

So, you know, a couple weeks, we show up for court. It goes— I mean, there were points where I was like, this is slam dunk. I can't even believe you just said that. I mean, there was one thing that in particular that sticks out. I remember him on the stand and the judge, um, what was the deal? I had an email or a text message from him where he made the comment that he understood that Bradley was Jonathan's father figure now, and that was fine with him. Okay, so the judge looks at him and says, okay, on this date we've got you via text or email— I can't remember what it was— saying blah blah blah blah. Now what is your response to that? And on the stand he says, yeah, Bradley's Jonathan's dad now, and that's fine, I don't care. But someday when Jonathan's a teenager and him and Jaycee aren't getting along, he can come live with me at that time.

And what did the judge say?

The judge can't really say anything. Of course my attorney is all over it, right? But I'm going, why did you even show up then? You want to wait until all the parenting and the hard work is done, and eventually you want a teenager to come with you and be your party buddy? I mean, of course that's how I took it.

Oh yeah.

And so we used up all 4 hours. I'm pretty sure we used an extra hour of court time. And at the end of it, you leave and you're not confident one way or another. You're going, oh crap, you know, is the judge gonna see through some of the BS that was said? You know, did I have enough evidence? Did I say the right things? Am I Am I crazy? Am I doing the right thing, you know? And so every night, you know, I was struggling with sleep. Bradley was a wreck. Jonathan, of course, has no clue what's going on. He's 3 and a half. Yeah, yeah, you know, I'm 8 months pregnant, 7, 8 months pregnant. And so we're just waiting, you know. Every day I'm calling the attorney, have you heard back from the court? Has the judge made the decision? And she had requested additional time to do some case study and that kind of thing. So it was just this roller coaster of emotions and this hurry up and then wait game that we played.

So was it over, over like a year and a half from the initial call to him to like the very, like, to where you guys got your order? I mean, how long was that whole process?

So from the initial call to when we got the final order was 10 and a half months, 11 months, 11 months.

Oh my goodness. Right. So hard when, especially when you're just so ready and you had just gotten married and you were pregnant and you were like so ready to just like be a family and his dad hadn't been involved at all and you were like, this is great, this is gonna be, you know, exactly what's supposed to happen. And then it just keeps dragging on.

So at the point of the final court hearing, seen Jonathan a total of 53 hours over the 3 and a half years that Jonathan had been alive. He had gone 15 consecutive months with zero contact in any kind of form. He was 7,800 $100 back in child support, had never carried health insurance for him, had never provided any daycare assistance, had never put a roof over his head other than when we were married. Um, I even got stuck with the remainder of the hospital bills from when I gave birth, and like, he didn't pay for any of it.

Yeah.

And so, you know, in my mind it's like Okay, you're not willing to be emotional support, financial support, or any kind of physical support for this child, so why, why even fight? So finally, it was actually a week before I had my daughter, we got word from the court that they had made the decision to sever parental rights.

That's incredible.

And it was amazing, you know. I, I vividly remember after the final court date, lying there during one of my many sleepless nights and finally praying this prayer of, you know, before it had been, please help everything to go our way, you know, God, please help this to go through, please. You know, just let everything be okay. And my prayer changed and it became, God, I know that your will is going to be done way or another. Um, you know, my prayer is that your will is in line with what we want, but if it's not, please give me the strength, the patience, and the grace to be able to handle this. Because I don't know if I can handle this on my own right now. Wow. Yeah, it changed everything. I mean, for that last couple weeks before we finally got word, I had this peace about it, and I truly felt like I had also forgiven my ex, not only for hurting me but for hurting Jonathan, and really felt like, you know, hopefully someday he's happy. Hopefully he has his own family and he has kids someday, and he's at that time ready for it and can actually be the dad that he should have been. Um, and that was a huge step for me, going from like angry, how could you do this to my kid, to, you know, it's okay. And I'm just so thankful that I found somebody that was ready, even though I wasn't looking. God placed this man in my son's life that loves him wholeheartedly and doesn't have to take care of him but wants to more than anything.

Yeah, isn't that amazing? Once you're like— once you turn to like a gratitude and just kind of like surrender, it's incredible what happens. And you were totally filled with peace. And that's so great that especially in that trying time of, you know, in between the courts and hearing back and being pregnant and everything, you were able to just be calm and peaceful, and then this amazing news.

Yeah, yep. And ultimately, you know, it all turned out for the better. Um, I think 2 months after the adoption was final, I received an email from my former father-in-law. Um, and it was really weird. It wasn't even asking like how he was doing. It was more like, you've made a mistake and someday you're gonna regret it, and when that, when that happens, we'll be here, type of thing. And I remember thinking, you've made no effort. Because honestly, I know deep down in my heart that if his parents would have been involved and been a part of Jonathan's life, I wouldn't have gone through with it. Yeah, it was the fact that there was absolutely zero it seemed care— I mean, you know, zero care for this kid. I mean, toddler, this baby that shared their DNA and blood, and yet they made no effort.

Oh yeah, absolutely. So now that Jonathan is older, has he asked about his, you know, biological dad, or is that not even a question for him.

So we very early on decided that we were going to be honest with Jonathan and that we were not going to hide any of this from him, um, because my father was adopted by his stepfather as an infant but didn't find out until he was 26 years old, and it rocked the family's world. And still to this day, there's a little animosity, maybe not so much anymore, but definitely when, you know, this bombshell first came out. Well, yeah, so I had, I had an example of how not to handle it, I guess you could say.

Yeah.

So, you know, we decided that as he was able to understand things and ask questions, that we would go ahead and reveal those things. But, um, even as a, a little toddler and a small child, in his mind he knew It was me and Mommy, and then Dad found us. So he, he understands. And, you know, as he's getting older and he's starting to learn about the birds and the bees and that kind of thing, uh, you know, he's asking questions, and that's okay. And we've answered them, and we've answered them honestly. And, you know, at this point, he has no desire to even know who this other person is. Or, you know, really dive into that just yet. I'm sure someday he will, and that's okay. We're ready for that, or, you know, I think we are. Um, you know, when he's an adult, I've saved everything for him. I've saved, you know, the court decision that was like, I don't know, 6 pages long of the reason why the judge granted the adoption, her reasoning behind it, all the factual evidence so that it, you know, kind of takes out the he said, she said, oh, your mom did this, blah blah blah type of thing. Yeah, you know, it's just really concrete. And so that if someday he wants to meet this person, that he has the information beforehand. And if, you know, if it comes to that, we'll support him. You know, it will hurt, there's no doubt about that, um, but I would never deny him that.

Yeah, well, you are an amazing woman, and I'm so glad that I know you because you are just so— you're so strong. And I mean, like you said earlier, like, once you decide something, you go for it. And that's something that I absolutely, um, I love that about you, and I look up to you. And I'm just so glad that you were able to share your story. And Bradley's amazing. I wish that we were closer so that we could hang out all the time, but Thank you so much for telling me and everybody else your story. And I'm sure so many people can relate and have, you know, similar situations.

And it's just such a beautiful, a beautiful family story. Yeah, well, thank you. I appreciate it. And I, I do hope that it helps somebody. And, you know, my only advice is to make sure your motivations behind it, if you're even considering stepparent adoptions, that your motivations are not animosity against your child's biological parent. They are truly looking beyond all of the garbage that you have to go through, because we all know it's difficult when there's another parent involved that you're dealing with. But make sure you get through all of that and you ultimately decide that this is going to be what is best for your child in the long run, because if not, it is going to come back and bite you, and there is going to be resentment. And so make sure your conscious is clear, your conscience is clear on that.

Wow, talk about a roller coaster ride. That family is so awesome. If you are going through something similar and would like someone to talk with about it, send me an email and I will link you up with that wonderful mama. I will be releasing a new episode each Monday this month covering another side of adoption. Thanks for listening.