4 Ways Intuition Shows Up

I'm Kristjana Hillberg, ex-Mormon and mom of 3, and this is I Fucking Knew, a show where we break down life's unexplainable moments, the times when you know something's off but you can't put a finger on it. Or you're drawn to a path that feels right for you despite others' opinions, and when your gut feeling was just too loud to ignore. Each episode features a guest who shares how their intuition showed up for them. Everything from vivid dreams that a partner was cheating to meeting someone and instantly know and being called to just do something else. These are the moments that change our lives forever. Ready to strengthen your intuition? For the theme of the podcast, as we know, it's I Fucking Knew, which we're talking about times where you just knew something, whether that was your intuition, your gut, whatever it was. And I I love this because everyone can have such a different experience with this, but we all can relate to the feeling of just knowing. So I'm super excited to hear, and I know we have, we could talk about this probably for days, but just like a couple really significant times in your life where you just fucking knew. Do you have one that you wanna start with?

So, um, yes, I do. When we first started talking about this, The first thing, I mean, I had this memory like clear as day. So I have to set it up for you. So I met my husband literally the first day I went down to college. Like we, my dad pulled into the parking lot of my apartment complex and I saw my husband Thomas there. Okay. And I saw him and I was like, oh, there's no way we're gonna date. But like, he looks like he knows where the parties are. So I wanna like make friends with him. I totally thought we would be like best friends, right? Yeah. So I'm getting out and I'm kind of like stumbling and I remember I walked past him with a box and like this teddy bear fell out of it. And I was so embarrassed. I was like, yup, I'm a college girl with a teddy bear, you know, but he was like super cute about it. He like picked it up. He's like, oh, here, let me, you know, and he kind of tucked it back in the box and everything. And so it was really cute. But, um, long story short, so we, he was in apartment 1, I was in apartment 2, which was the apartment. They were kind of set up like townhomes. So you get more.

Okay.

So there was like a front porch and then there was like a basement apartment and he was in the basement apartment. And so like the first semester, we'd see each other walk back and forth. And he always had girls around him. So I was like, it is a good thing I am not interested in him because he is not going to be interested. He has got too many other potential candidates here, you know?

Yeah.

And so I just was kind of always like, we waved, whatever. Um, after first semester, I realized I could not live with my roommates anymore. Um, so I grew up Mormon, which I know you did too. And so I moved in with a bunch of Mormons. My mom and my mom had kind of set everything up. And so I was like, okay, cool, whatever. And I was already kind of out the door and I figured, oh, I'm gonna be in college. It doesn't matter if they're Mormon or not. I'll be able to just kind of do my own thing.

Yeah.

But that was not the case. It was a bad situation where like their values were placed upon me. Like we had curfew still. They locked me out of the house once for not being back in time for curfew. Like, wow, just stuff that I was like, okay, this is like starting to be— because I didn't have a car, so I literally sat on the porch like just waiting for them to open the door up. Like, it was a bad experience. And I'm derailing, but just to give you a glimpse of like how bad it was. And so I ended up moving. Like, I came back right after Christmas before I knew they were all going to be there, and I just moved out. I never said anything to them, but oddly enough Thomas was there early too. And so he offered to help me move. He had a car, so he like loaded his car up. We literally, I was moving like just to a complex that was like down the street a bit. So it wasn't far at all. And so after that, he was like, hey, do you want to hang out? And it was pretty much like we were inseparable from that point on.

Love it.

Now it took us a while. So we had that semester where we kind of like, quote, air quotes here, became boyfriend girlfriend, right? And then it was that we spent that whole summer kind of apart because I went on vacation, he went on vacation and got back, and then I went on another vacation. So we spent the summer just talking on the phone and whatnot. Then towards the end of the summer, he like, you know, throughout that 6-month period or whatever, he found out that I was Mormon, that I grew up Mormon, and he didn't realize where I was at in that development. So I remember clear as day, like we were sitting on the grass in my parents' front yard. And he was trying to like break up with me. It was so funny, but, but I could tell he didn't want to because he kept like dancing around. He's like, okay, so— because he, you know, grew up and felt like he knew what he had had a really rough go with Mormons and the judgment. And like, he was really blamed for a lot of things, um, like with friends and stuff, just because he wasn't Mormon. So he— yeah, so he had it rough. So he was worried. He was like, totally caught feelings for this girl who's Mormon and didn't know if he wanted to go down that path. And I can't blame him at all for that. But it was so funny. So he's kind of like, okay, can you tell me, like, do you, you know, what's your church like? Do you go all the time? Like, how can— he was basically trying to gauge my commitment level to it.

Yeah.

And it was so funny because I was like, I looked at him like, you— do you think I'm Mormon? And he was like, well, yeah, like the conversations we've had. And I know that you're, you know, you've talked about your parents going to church and stuff. And I was just— I looked at him, I'm like, you don't You don't need to worry about that. And he— we kind of had this pause. And then this was the moment, like, I swear from the bottom of my stomach, like, it shot up into my throat. It was just this feeling that was like, this is not going to end. Like, it's not going— it wasn't even this, like, you shouldn't let him break up with you or you shouldn't let this relationship— it was like, no, this is not happening. So I turned to him and I was like, I get the feeling that you're like hesitant about this relationship moving forward, and I get, you know, your hesitations with my religious background and everything. I'm like, but I'm telling you right now, like, we're meant to be together. Like, we're just meant to be together.

Yeah.

And ever since then, like, it just— it was smooth sailing. Like, we just— because we were friends for so long before we like officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. And like, I think having That discussion early on kind of led a really good roadmap for our communication. Because if you can talk about something that's difficult like that in such a healthy, mature way, like it kind of led the path for other communication to happen.

Did it ever come up again? Like a worry?

Never. Nope.

Because you were already, like you said, you had already chosen like to leave. You were done, foot out the door.

Yeah.

So your relationship with him was way more important to you than like a potential, oh gosh, I'm just trying to think about this. And I'm only bringing this up because I actually had a call with someone yesterday who's writing a story about Mormons leaving their church. And she was like, I'm so interested in this topic because it is not like leaving something else. Like for people, most religions are literally maybe like go to church on Sunday, maybe a youth group, but like it doesn't trickle into your entire life. Whereas sometimes, most of the time, Mormonism does. It's like a way of life. You have these beliefs that are instilled in you from the time that you are a child, right, going to primary. And so for some people, leaving the church can be like monumental. I mean, it's like they worry, they worry about losing relationships with their parents, losing relationships with friends. Um, they were a part of a community for years, and now that's going away. And so did you feel any of that? Like, can you relate to any of that? Or was your experience in Mormonism may be a little bit different.

So yes and no. So for me, I actually call that period in my life my emancipation period, because I was— so I went to college far away, I was 4 hours away from my home, from my parents. And so I had a physical separation. And so it was really easy. Like, I knew the second that I was out that I was done. Like, I didn't want to go to church anymore. The only time I stepped into church was they had a piano there and I played the piano and sing. And so I would sneak in and just go play like the piano. I don't know if anyone— I'm sure people heard me, but I was like, if I don't get kicked out, I'm fine with this, you know?

Yeah.

Um, and then luckily I brought my keyboard down second semester, so that stopped. But for me, it was very— the sever was very clean for me because I had just— I had struggled so much in my adolescence. And it was weird because during my adolescence, I felt very much so like I had to be this very good, strong Mormon girl. Like, I had, you know, so I was really fighting against my true, like, my personal truth. Yeah. So like, I didn't party a ton. I was kind of more of a homebody. I worked a lot, um, when I was in high school. Um, and so, you know, I was always kind of busy too doing other things, but I always felt like when it came to church, it was something that I felt very obligated and almost I don't want to say forced to do because it was definitely my choice. But like, there definitely is a strong influence behind that choice where you just feel like, okay, I've got to be— I've got to follow the gospel, I've got to follow what the prophet says. And you, you have been ingrained for your whole life to be this way. And so it was probably about 12, 13 was when I, I started realizing, oh, this isn't my truth. And so my adolescence were really difficult because I was constantly fighting back and forth. But I never talked to anybody about about it because I, I didn't have a safe person, a place.

Would you talk to— yeah, right.

Like, everyone I knew was Mormon. And so then it was interesting because, um, so I started working for an attorney when I was a junior in high school, and then I worked for him throughout my senior year. But halfway through my junior year, I also started nannying for his, his kids. So I would go— I'd only had one class at school a day, and then I'd go into the law office, and then in the afternoon I would go so that wife could go to her part-time job. And I met his wife, who was not brought up Mormon, and I almost idolized her in a sense, because she embodied everything that I felt came very natural to me. She worked, she wore nice clothes, she had a family, like just kind of something that I epitomized, because I just didn't relate to, to how Mormon women were living their lives. And it's interesting, because my mom always worked. But she's had a lot of judgment throughout her life. I mean, I feel like it's gotten better in that culture. I don't really stay up on Mormon culture because it's just not, not an interest of mine. But through communication with her, I feel like it's kind of gotten better than like the '90s when she first was like really working full-time, you know. And so it was interesting because I did feel like I had her as an example, but yet she still kind of fell into that spectrum of of, you know, living the Mormon values and everything. So it's definitely different. But I think having that example kind of later in my teens, because I was 17, 18, and then I left, I think that almost I saw that there was like life beyond my little Mormon bubble, you know. So once I left, I never looked back. I mean, I just— everything was gone. And so I viewed it as it was this time, which was great because at 18 when you're going off to college, it's kind of a new transformative time. You're finding out who you truly are as a person, finding your place in the world beyond like the social norms of high school. Like you're just in more of an adult world. And so for me, it was really good timing because I had that time where I severed those beliefs. So I felt an insurmountable amount of freedom to be able to choose everything in my life. And so that was really liberating for sure.

Has your family remained Mormon?

Yes. So my parents are and my older sister, but none of my siblings are. Okay.

But there was never that fear for you of like, if I leave or when I do leave, this could potentially change my relationship with my family?

I didn't anticipate that. It just happened. Like it never occurred to me that I would be left alone in a sense. But there was definitely like a period of isolation from them for sure. And I can't— I don't want to blame them because for those of you who don't understand like the Mormon culture, like you bring your children up in this religion so that you are with them in heaven. And you all follow the same path so that you're together in this life beyond. And so if you can for a minute, like, think about what that would mean to you if that was your belief system and your second oldest child leaves off to college and now wants nothing to do with that. How heartbreaking that could be. They experienced a loss. And so for, you know, the first probably 5 years, it took a long time for me to kind of— I don't even want to say repair the relationships with my parents because it was almost like we had to discover a new relationship. Yes, for sure.

I love that you're saying this. And in so many ways, I feel like you and I, and like we share like so much more than just knowing each other, because I literally said that yesterday. This overwhelming feeling came over me as I was talking about this. And I said, it's so different than just like having, you know, like a disagreement with a friend, because your beliefs are just that, is that like in order to be in the highest degree of heaven, you have to do X, Y, and Z. So if your child came to you and said, I no longer believe this, how devastating must that feel to you who does believe that? And so how do you then navigate this new relationship of feeling so committed to something, and then watching this other human that you raised or that you love, believe something different. And so I almost was able to feel this this new level of like, I don't know, maybe like understanding of maybe where my mom was coming from. Because to me, I was like, it's so simple. Like, it doesn't make any sense. I no longer want to be a part of this.

Bye.

You know, like, still love you. But as I said it out loud, I was like, wow, that would be difficult. Because as a parent, having my own beliefs, it's not that I hope that my kids, you know, believe everything that I believe. But it would be heartbreaking if they grew up and had like completely opposite viewpoints than me. How do you not believe this anymore? You know, right?

It's so interesting. So in the first book that I wrote, Big Girl Decisions, I actually talk about this a lot. And I talk about— so I had a total fear of having children because again, I was worried that I was going to go down this path where I witnessed Mormon women being kind of withdrawn a bit from themselves because they're taught that they put everybody ahead of them. They have to make sure the children are good. They have to honor their husband and make sure their husband is good, and they're very last on their list. And so I remember growing up just thinking, these women look like they're shells of a person. Like, it just looks like there's nobody there. And I think it's because in that culture, they are— they're, they're taught to do that. So they disconnect from themselves and their needs and their desires and wants and all of that. And so you know, around my mid-20s, my husband really wanted kids and I was like, oh my gosh, honey, no, I am not ready. Like, there is no way. It took me, I always said, OK, by 28, I had this whole plan, which is so laughable now, like 28, we will start having kids. I will be done by the time I am 32. It will be fine. Everything will be good. Well, then like 28 hit and that was a very dark year for me because I felt this pressure of like, I am supposed to be having children. But for some reason, I have this block, if you will, like this total fear that I am going to become someone that I don't recognize. I am going to become this shell of a person, and I desperately don't want that to happen. So, I struggled with that for a long time and then finally decided to have a baby. We ended up having a miscarriage right out the gate, which was really difficult. Long story short, I have 2 beautiful baby boys now. I had my children before I was 32, so my timeline was still right. Everything works out as it is supposed to. Supposed to. But the point that I'm getting at is in that book, I wrote about my relationship with my mom and how another fear that I recognized was that she would finally pay attention to me because I gave her grandchildren. And I was worried about that. And that— I don't even know, not like a sense of, like a loss of self or anything, but just that sense of not feeling good enough. Like, oh, now you want to be a part of my life because I've given you grandchildren. So I was really kind of curious to see how that played out. And of course, that is how it played out exactly. I had grandkids and she has been so supportive. She has been a great grandma to them. And it's interesting because our relationship has actually grown because of that. I think motherhood gave us common ground, whereas before, again, you were saying like, how do you navigate that relationship? A simple way of navigating is just your communication. What do you talk to someone about when you know there is this big divide?

Exactly.

You know, and so it, it actually ended up working out beautifully, and I feel very fortunate that I have her in my life and the relationship, and my dad too. Like, I feel like now we have common ground and things are good. And I think because I was capable of standing on my own two feet and saying, I love you, but this is not what I'm doing, One, it paved the way for my other siblings to feel free enough to be able to say that too and follow their own path. But then it's given me this freedom to be my own person and find my own truth, which has led to so much happiness.

That is so admirable. Thinking back to even like my experience and having that feeling of like knowing that this wasn't my truth and feeling that like combativeness, like it's like fighting against what you know, like what you feel, and then not saying anything about it. So I, I love that you like had that opportunity to be hours away and just be like, now I'm free and I can just do what I want. And you found your person who like has been by your side for years and your best friend, and that is like It's just so beautiful. I— that's one quality that I admire in my partner Kurt is that he has always known who he was, like always. He's never had a question. He's never like wavered in like what he stands for. And to me, that's just such a beautiful quality because I feel like I've wavered so many times and questioned like, who am I? What do I stand for? Do I even like this? I don't know. And it's like this inner battle, whereas for him, he has not experienced that, which is just like, I wish that I wish I had that sometimes.

Okay, but that's so interesting because I hear you say that and I'm like, but maybe you're having that wavering because you're transforming yet again, and you're growing because if we were all so— and I don't know how Kurt is, but like, I feel like, okay, if we were all solid in our beliefs all the time, don't you just remain the same? How do you grow if you're not asking yourself, wait a second, do I really feel good about this? Is this really a decision I want to make, or am I feeling like I need to go in a different direction? I mean, I feel like that's how we grow. So in my opinion, I feel like it's a very good thing that you're that way because you're able to keep evolving. Because isn't that what life is about, is evolving and growing and transforming and trying new things? And really, I feel like everyone should just take this life for everything that you can possibly get from it and experience as much as you can, right? So I feel like you, you're on that path.

Well, thank you, sister. Uh, we'll just— yes, we'll go with that. I like that. It's your intuition speaking. Just kidding, it's me, Kris. If you've been yearning for more but aren't sure where start, your life doesn't look like your own, and you're ready to make changes that lead to a reality that feels like you, I encourage you to apply for a 15-minute call with me where we talk about your goals and the next steps that feel completely aligned with you. Click the link in the description of this episode to apply. Let's, let's move forward on another, another time that your intuition just told you like, yes, this is what you have to do. Is there another time in your life where you totally felt that way?

Yeah, so I actually have a couple. So one is the book that I wrote. I remember it was so strange. I was just talking to my husband about this this morning too. So I just like wrote a book. I woke up one day after having two babies and decided I need to share my story about the fear of motherhood because I think there are so many more women women out there that are fearful about experiencing the miscarriage, because I know plenty of women who have had multiple miscarriages and stillbirths, and their journey to motherhood has been so difficult. And so I was like, I just felt— again, I just knew I had to write this book. I'd never written or published a book, but I was like, I'm just gonna start writing. And so for like 4 months, I wrote, and I had my first manuscript. And then I was like, okay, I need an editor. So somehow, I can't even remember how I found my editor. It was probably I think I might have been wrapping up my master's degree, so it was through the master's degree program. But then I got it edited, and then I was like, okay, do I self-publish? Do I find a publisher? What am I gonna do? I'm like, I've taken this whole road by myself, let's go ahead and self-publish. And like, within a 9-month period, I had published a book. And it was just like, I just had this inner knowing, like, I'm just supposed to do this, so just make it happen. I never thought about it. The words just flew out of me. Like, it was never— it never felt like work at all. It was just something that was just happening.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

I need to do another book. I need that to happen to me again.

Yeah, exactly. Oh my gosh. I'm like, I, I had that feeling once. It was not an inner knowing. It was a push to do it. And I literally wrote a paragraph in my Google Docs, and it's still sitting there. And then I was like, no, this is not This is not for me. Maybe that was my inner knowing.

I feel like so many people, that's what it is. Like, they'll start whatever it is, if it's writing a book or writing a screenplay or whatever, filming a movie, um, they'll start it, but then it never, you know, then it like trickles out. And this, it was just very like, I just didn't think about it again. I had this inner knowing like, you are supposed to write this book, go forth and write your book.

What has come out of that? Like, did you What are some experiences that you've taken away with that or from that?

I've had quite a— I've had some good experiences. I went to a book club where they read the book and like we chatted about it. And that was so cool to just see because it was a group of all types of women who like of different ages. So there was like a woman in her 70s, one like in her 20s and all in between. And so it was so cool to kind of get this like perspective of a 20-year-old who is scared to have kids and could relate to that, versus like the 70-year-old who has had children and had to navigate that relationship, kind of like how my mom did, you know. So that was really cool. And then we, of course, we did like a big book launch, which was really fun. I play the piano and sing, so I've written songs about my kids and the experience. So it's kind of fun because I'd get up and read section of sections of the book and then play a song and then read. And it was, that was I could do that all day long. I love that.

That is so fun. Oh my gosh, that sounds so incredible. I love it. It's amazing. What's another experience? Yeah, tell me what's more.

Um, so our house. So we got into this— I mean, it's like my dream house. It's just this beautiful house. We had been in the house that both of our babies were born in, so like I was very sentimental about our first house.

Yeah.

And I was kind of like, before we even had the kids, I'd been always kind of looking. I'm, you know, into real estate and stuff. And so I'm always looking. And it was so interesting because I have the picture of this house came up. And it was like, again, like from my gut up to my throat. And I was like, oh, that's my house. Like, and I was like, it was so funny because I had this complete inner knowing like, oh girl, you are going to live there. And then of course, like the ego mind comes in. And it was like, um, that is like, that house is you can't afford that. It's too— it's more space than you need. Like, no. And so I was like, okay, well, whatever. I'm just gonna show Thomas. He's probably gonna say the same thing, that it's too big, or it's too whatever. So I'm showing him the pictures. He's like, okay, I could get behind this. So I was like, okay. So we put an offer in on the house. Not even like— we didn't even think about like how we were going to pay for it. Nothing. Like, I just told him, I was like, this— I think this is our house. So let's just make it happen. And luckily, I have a wonderful husband. And he was like, yeah, let's do it. So I actually went to a conference in Boston right after we put the offer in. And I was just kind of like, meh, it's just gonna work out because I just know that's my house. Like, I'm not going to worry about it. It's just gonna happen. And like the 4th day I was there, they were doing this little like mixer thing after the conference. So me and a girl that I had met there, we're like drinking, you know, having drinks at the bar. And I get this text and he's like, they accepted our offer. And I was like, Well, of course they did. Yes. This is what's gonna happen, you know. And so luckily, we had enough, we were able to sell our other house. And, you know, it all worked itself out. But normally, I am like a Type A person. So I'm like, okay, we've got to like, figure out what we can get from our house first. And we've got to figure out, you know, what the mortgage payment will be, insurance, tax. Because of that, like inner knowing, I was like, nope, it's just all gonna work out. You don't need to know the details. Just kind of go with it.

Oh my gosh, all of your stories are just so like such a testament when you follow that gut feeling, right? When you know and you follow it, you birth a book, you buy your dream house, like shit just happens exactly how it's supposed to. Oh my God, I love these stories. I'm like, more, give me more, they're so good.

Okay, so I have a most recent one, okay? All right. So as soon as I, so I met my husband at my undergrad, literally the day after I moved home after graduating, I applied for an internship with the Utah Department of Health, started working that Monday. Okay. So I have been at the health department for 17 years. And my last day at the health department is the day after Thanksgiving this year. And can I just tell you, I have got a complete, I feel like it's not just a gut to throat. It is like an entire body is just screaming like, this is the right move. Like 100%. This is the right move. I was actually, I put in my resignation for September 3rd, but then my counterpart who does marketing there just decided his last day was also going to be the 3rd. So me being a nice person, I'm gonna say it's me being a nice person. I told my boss that I would stay on until they hired someone else because I didn't want to leave them without any marketing or communications, you know, because it takes a while. I mean, it's taken 2 months to hire a new person. So yeah. And it's interesting because I felt like I knew it was the right decision in September. But I still, I had a lot of fear, like I was worried about finances, like I'd had this, I've been working since I was like 15 years old, I've had a job. And so the idea of not having a steady income and having that traditional belief system on how you bring income in. Um, I've had to kind of work on that and kind of separate myself from that and realize that there's more to life. There are a thousand ways you can make money, you know, and it doesn't have to be this steady stream. And it's interesting because just from September 3rd to now, I don't even think about it now. Like, anytime, like, finances, like, pop up in the back of my mind, I'm like, it pushes it out. It's like, no, it's all going to be taken care of. It's like the house— don't worry about the details, it's all going to work itself out, just keep doing what you're doing. And so I'm trying to just you know, get— put my head down and work on my stuff. And, you know, we'll see where I'm at in 6 months.

Yeah, I think as humans it's natural to want, like, you know, the details so that we know, like, we need information. Yeah, so it's like we need to have things like closed-ended. So sometimes it feels like going against the grain to, you know, quote-unquote, follow your gut, because you're like, What the fuck? Sometimes now I just feel like I'm being reckless in a sense, you know, like this could on paper look crazy, but to me it just feels right. And so you almost have to just be comfortable at some point of just being like the stance you took when you were in Boston. You're like, well, yeah, of course it's going to happen. And yes, like everything is going to work out exactly how it's supposed to. And now because you've practiced that before, you followed your intuition many times before that. Now it's like, you know, you already know. Um, I do want to know though, when was the first time when you were working this job that you were like, okay, I need to pivot, like something else, something else is coming?

Oh, that's so interesting. So you're gonna die. It was probably back in like '09. Okay, so longer than a decade. Yeah, so it was literally like 5, maybe 6 years into the job. So what I did before was I actually managed a federal grant for rape prevention education. So we gave federal funds to all of the rape crisis centers throughout the state. Yeah, loved doing it. I provided education to like the crisis workers. I loved that. But after 6 years, you need something else, right? And so that was kind of the funny thing is I'm, I'm actually glad I stayed because it was at that point when I started having my children. It ended up that when I was 5 months pregnant with my first son, my husband got a job at the health department. So we were both at the health department doing marketing, and there was a daycare at the health department. So for about the next 4 years, we were able to take our babies there and be with our kids. I was able to go down and be with them throughout the day, and it was a very good situation for me as a working mom. Where I felt like, yes, I have this job, I'm a working mom, but I'm also a mother, I can go down, you know, several times a day and see my baby. And so I think that's kind of why the universe kept me there, you know, but now my kids, they're in kindergarten and first grade, so they're in school full time. And now I'm just like, there's nothing emotionally keeping me there that it's interesting because so Right before the pandemic, it was like the fall of 2019. One of my coworkers was doing her certification to become a life coach and she needed to have so many sessions under her belt. So she was giving away like sessions to us. So I was telling her like, I don't want this job anymore. Like, I know that it's time for me to move on. I have known that for like 6, 7 years. What do I do? You know, and she— I had this total aha moment. The first job out of college, right? I got engaged and married while I was working there. I bought my first house while I was there. I went and got my master's in communication there. I had both of my babies while I was there. So like, all of my very significant life events happened while I was working there. And so I can laugh about it now. But we realized I had to break up with the health department. Yeah, I had to emotionally break up with this place who had been— well, not a who, but a place that had been a safe space for me, you know, it had been stability and had gotten me through all of these different life-changing events. And so now where I'm feeling very settled in life, because I have my kids, I know I'm done having kids, you know, I just feel very settled in my personal life. I feel like it is time to say sayonara to that and move on to greener pastures.

Mm-hmm. But it still took a while for everything to kind of come to fruition and you to make that decision.

So yeah, because the plan was— so in my head I wanted to leave September, and so that's— I had met with the— it must have been— I must have met with her like right before— it must have been like August, so right before the fall, because I remember thinking, okay, I've got like a month to get things going. And then thank goodness, because then I didn't quit, because then the pandemic came And I would not, you know, so that it created another stability through that year. But then even now I'm like, hey, the pandemic's like, you know, wrapping up here, like, and it still has taken me that long to do it. But it feels 100%. Like, I know it is hands down the right choice.

Yeah, I think sometimes too, even when you get that inner knowing that something is coming or something needs to change, sometimes things don't work out right away. Kind of like, okay, shit, the pandemic is happening. But also it's was kind of a blessing at the time that you still had a job because some people were losing their jobs, right? And so it's like afterwards, sometimes it's after where you can see like, okay, that's why it was still the universe. It was still my intuition knowing that I needed to start the work now for later. But I think sometimes in life it can seem like, is this my intuition? Is it not my intuition? Like, why is it not happening now? Why is it happening a different way than what I expected it would? So I'm just so glad you're sharing these experiences because they showed up at different times.

Like, exactly as they were supposed to. Okay, so it's funny because you, you said, like how they go, you know, differently than you anticipate. So back in September in 2019, I remember distinctively, my husband saying, I want you to walk out of the health department with your head held high and you have, you're feeling 100% good about this decision. And it was funny because we just had breakfast this morning and I looked at him, I'm like, do you remember when you said that to me? I was like, in a few weeks, I'm going to be doing that. It took 2 years longer than I thought, but I wanted it to be this way. I wanted to be able to walk out feeling 100% in my body that it was the right decision. And I feel that way. I don't question it at all.

That's such a great reflection. I love that story. Like, remember that? It's fucking happening.

Yeah, 2 years later.

Oh my gosh, I'm so glad that you shared these because like I said at the beginning, it's not necessarily the experience but just the feeling. And at least for me, I felt like my intuition had been muffled. For a really long time because I was so used to following church standards or following guidelines and just being told what to do and when to do it and really not to question because that could potentially be the devil tempting you. And so for so many years, I didn't— I learned how to like turn it off. I learned how to maybe question it, double question, like triple question, and then wonder and be scared of it. And so it's so empowering to see other women, other humans that follow their intuition, and incredible things happen. And even though it can be scary right away, usually, for the most part, always— I'm gonna go ahead and just say always— that it ends up being what's best, whether it feels like that right away. It might feel really scary and really nerve-wracking, but at the end it always feels like I'm so glad. I'm so glad that I followed what I felt because it led me down this path that I'm, you know, that I feel way more aligned with. Any advice that you can give to somebody who might be questioning, like, is that my intuition? Or I'm scared to follow my intuition. What advice do you have?

So this is perfect because this is exactly what I wanted to say. So one, the more you follow it, the easier it becomes. Like, you really need to go inward. Like, we live in this world where everything's external, everything's material. I mean, even just like Instagram, like, I feel like I'm saying over and over again, like, don't be Instagram or Pinterest worthy right now. Like, just be yourself. Like, don't worry about Instagram. Like, uh-uh. But we're constantly bombarded with these external pressures and values and beliefs and thoughts. And so the best way to start following your intuition is to go inward. And so one of the things that I do is I meditate. I never thought I'd be into meditating. My husband's been doing it for years. And I always like kind of made fun of him. I was like, okay, go meditate on your pillow. It's like zen out, you know. And then the pandemic hit and he was meditating every day and doing Wim Hof breathing, which is a breathing technique. And so I was like, okay, like, I'm going to try this. I don't have anything else to do. Like, I want to see if it makes a difference.. And it was life-changing for me, like, just doing the breathing technique. I was like, okay, I feel better. Like, my body doesn't feel so worn down. My muscles aren't as tight. I don't feel tension. I don't feel stress. So then I was very curious about meditating, you know, because I think we all have— there's this belief system that you're supposed to just sit in silence. And that's not necessarily it. You're supposed to turn inward and listen to your body. So it's not like it's silence. It's like, listen to your body. And so I've been meditating for over a year now. And it's very easy for me because I've practiced to be able to go in and see what I'm feeling inside. And so when I get, you know, into it, when I have an intuitive moment, it's— I can feel it now because I've taken the time to practice it and understand it and be able to recognize it that way. It looks different for everybody, right? It's like self-care. Like we talk about self-care and it's like, oh, go take your bubble bath and have your 15-minute timeout or whatever. And it's like, okay, that's great if that works for you, but I need like an hour run or something. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, that's my self-care, whatever. Going inward looks very different for everybody else. You know, some people can really visualize like within their body what they're feeling and can envision like the energy that they're feeling. Some people, they need to write everything down, like their emotions and kind of their thoughts and be able to, um, kind of break it down that way. But I definitely think The key is just finding what works for you, find what feels good for you, and then follow that and be excited about it. I, I definitely on this journey of mine, I took on this attitude that I needed to be childlike in the sense that I needed to be curious. I needed to be excited. I needed to free this mind of I need to know everything. I've got to be right. You know, kind of your egoic mind. I was like, I want to let go of all of that and just come to it with like new eyes and curiosity and just have fun with it. And so it felt a lot more natural for me that way. So I was able to kind of tune into it a lot better.

That's fabulous. Great advice. Get curious. I love it. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing all of your experiences and knowledge. It was so great to get to chat with you.

Yeah, thank you for having me.

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