My Dad's Actions Turned Into My Mindset

I'm Kristjana Hillberg, ex-Mormon and mom of 3, and this is I Fucking Knew, a show where we break down life's unexplainable moments, the times when you know something's off but you can't put a finger on it. Or you're drawn to a path that feels right for you despite others' opinions, and when your gut feeling was just too loud to ignore. Each episode features a guest who shares how their intuition showed up for them. Everything from vivid dreams that a partner was cheating to meeting someone and instantly know and being called to just do something else. These are the moments that change our lives forever. Ready to strengthen your intuition?

You know what I think is scarier than even working through the dark shit is saying it out loud, because then it's real and it's not just in your head. Other people can listen to it. And have a look inside of your life. So as I was walking around my neighborhood last week, I was working on a module, a meditation for and around money mindset, which dives deep into your parents' beliefs around money and asks some questions that I would have never thought to pair with money mindset. Stuff like, you know, basic stuff like, did you see your parents struggling for money? Did you grow up in wealth? Did you ever experience poverty in any way? What did it look like? How did it feel like? What did you see your parents doing in scenarios like this? One question that completely stumped me was, have you ever seen or witnessed a parent steal. And I was like, well, I didn't witness my dad stealing, but holy shit, did that take me down this rabbit hole. Because as a 14-year-old, my dad was working at a local convenience store and was caught on camera stealing money. Caught on camera stealing money and denied it over and over. No, that's not me. Nope, that's definitely not me. And as a 14-year-old girl, I remember watching the video and knowing immediately that it was him. This was not the first time that I had been through shit like this with my dad. When I was younger, maybe 7 or 8, he was working for the police department. He was fluent in Navajo, and so living in Arizona, we were stationed or he was stationed or put on or close to reservations because he was fluent in the language. And we would live, we would live in tiny little towns close to reservations and he would commute. And as a little girl, I'm just As I'm even talking about this and walking it through, it just like is appalling to me. I mean, more than 20 years later, I'm able to look back and remember the feelings of feeling like so confused, but I'm not quite sure all of the logistics behind it, but he somehow, when he would pull people over, During the day, he would get their credit card. And I don't know if it's through, you know, when they had to pay their ticket, he would get access to credit card information, but he somehow obtained credit card information from people and he racked up thousands and thousands of dollars on credit cards. Of other people's, um, he was calling sex lines. Now my dad has an extremely distorted past and his— now as an adult I can look at him and understand that he has a disease and an illness But his disease affected my life, my entire life. And through this, this particular experience, my mom got a call when I was around 8, I believe, with a voice recording of my dad's voice. Using somebody else's credit card, um, for like sex calls, and they called my mom to see if she could identify the voice on the other end. My dad, of course, said, "That is not me. I would never do that." And like I said, my dad has a a distorted sexual past. So it should have been a red flag, but you know, when you love somebody and they're telling you that is not them and you can't really tell, I'm sure it's difficult to wrap your head around it. And looking back, at her experience. This woman was going through so much at the time, and I remember watching it as a little girl and knowing there's stress around this situation. I'm not sure how I feel. I'm uneasy watching her and my dad, you know, talk privately about this and him denying over and over again. But because it included his job, it was so much bigger than just like a tiny family conversation. And he had to go to court and there were lie detector tests and there were multiple court appearances and there were talks and discussions and all, you know, half behind a closed door. And as a child, you just— I remember just feeling more close to the vibe of the situation and not understanding fully what the fuck was going on. But I do distinctly remember him sitting us down on the couch, me as an 8-year-old and my brother as a 5-year-old, and saying, you know, I did not do this. I would not do something that would hurt this family. This was not me. We'll get through this. And I remember like all hugging on the couch and like feeling that, that, um, okay, like we support each other through tough shit. Okay. And then still watching my mom like in agony and all the things going on around me. More court dates, my dad losing his job, me watching my parents uproot our life and move us to a different state, to a different town, and then sitting on another couch with my family months later and my dad saying, "Actually, it was me. They found out that I was the person who did this." And so So yeah, it was actually me. And I remember feeling so fucking confused, like, "But I thought you said it wasn't!" And so many things in my physical world are now different. I'm now at a different school, in a different town, with different people and an entirely different lifestyle. And the thing about small towns is that everybody knows your life story. And because of the, you know, the certain background of his, it was very well known, like, okay, this guy works in this department because of his, um, you know, he's bilingual, so he can, you know, work here and here. He was very like, he was known across the entire, um, like Four Corners area for this. And so in this tiny little town, there were, there was another police officer who had heard this story, you know, and had heard of, you know, my dad and what had gone on with him. And so I later found out that because of my dad's shit, that now I'm in this new town and none of the kids in my class are allowed to come over to play because my dad is like icky and gross, right? So all I see on the outside is everyone saying that they're not allowed to come over and play, and it's just like so wild to me. I'm like, oh, what's wrong with me? I don't fit in. I'm not good enough. Um, so much, so much internalized that I don't even think I was able to comprehend. And then, you know, a few years later, having this thing happen again where he's working at the convenience store, stealing money again, denying again, going to jail And being in this tiny town and hearing the things that people would say to you— and now I'm older, so now I can understand maybe why other parents don't want their kids over at my house. It's not a safe environment. But isn't that what I'm supposed to have? Aren't your parents supposed to protect you and mine never has? So more into this belief is that during this year after my dad was arrested for stealing, My parents end up getting a divorce, and our really close family friends who helped me through the, you know, my entire high school career to help my mom out, took my brother and I on a family vacation with them. We were gone for 2 weeks. We were road tripping and while we were vacationing with them, they took us on a back-to-school shopping spree. I had never been on a shopping spree like this before. It was usually like my mom saying, I have $150, you can choose 3 pairs of pants, a few shirts, and you know, that was, that was the extent of it. So this shopping spree was very much a shopping spree where we could get whatever we wanted. Like, I specifically remember going and picking out like 4 or 5 pair of Buckle jeans. Remember when Buckle was like the shit? And buying Silvers and Luckys and Miss Me's were like all the rage. And of course I had never owned anything like this.

Before.

All of my jeans were hand-me-downs, or— and don't get me wrong, I still fucking thrift shop, that's great— but, um, this one shopping spree was just very much like ingrained in my brain. It was a super fun experience, um, buying several new outfits, dressed from head to toe, and it was so fun. And after this road trip We get home and it's beginning of school and the first football game of the season. So of course I'm so excited to wear my new outfits and I put on one of my new pairs of buckled jeans and I'm walking through the stands and And one of my classmates' mothers said, Kristjana, did you steal those jeans? There is no way that your parents could afford those. Where did they come from? And I didn't know what the fuck to say. Because you shouldn't have to justify somebody else giving you something out of the kindness of their hearts. And it was— So close to my heart. Because my dad did steal. And he always swore that he did it to help the family. So it felt like it could be true. All of these memories and feelings came flooding to my brain as I'm taking a leisurely walk through my fucking neighborhood. And I'm thinking, oh my God, why are you here? You don't need to be here. This is definitely not something that's supposed to be coming up during a meditation, especially one that's supposed to be helping you with abundance and your money mindset. Like, what the fuck? This happened so long ago, and you can cognitively look at it now and understand, like, you know, that classmate's mom like must have had her own shit. Your dad is kind of a shitbag. Like, you know, I understand that, but there must be some links here. And it is scary as fuck to look in those dark areas of your past. And know that light needs to be shined, and to just sit there and hope that through sitting here you'll be able to heal yourself. Heal your kids, break through what's being held in your mind that you're not even consciously aware of and how it's all tied together. And I wanted to share this because healing and being intuitive and guiding others down that path can sometimes seem like peaceful and calm and light and invigorating. And I just wanted to reiterate that healing is way more feeling like shit and choosing to continue down that path of uncovering than it is light. And I think I used to think that healing was like the destination. You healed, you got there. And this probably has to do with my growing up in the Mormon Church is that like you sin, you repent, you're forgiven, boom, right? There's like these steps. And there's an end result. And I used to think that healing was that, that it was you bringing it to light, you, you know, asking for forgiveness, you moving through it, you removing that block, whatever it is, and then you're done. But that is so not it. It is such an up and down and ladder and then being dragged the fuck back and finding new hidden rooms that you had no idea were there, or ones that you have been avoiding for so long that finally need to be looked at. And I think that that's why I'm so passionate about helping other people, is because when you're doing it alone, or when you're doing it for outward validation, it can seem very— you almost become numb. It's just like an act. Whereas I have never felt more me, more raw, more alive, more fucking open than now. And it's because I just let myself sit there. I let myself explore all of the feelings and emotions and not judge it for being bad or good, but just is what it is. And I think that as humans, we need connection and support and that unconditional love that we've all sought after. And I think for many years of my life, I felt like love was very conditional. As long as you are on this path doing what I've said, what I've taught, what the church says, then of course we love you. Of course we're excited for you. Of course we'll support you. But if you stray, Good luck. And so as I support others on this, on their journey, on their path, it's showing up with that unconditional love that whether you feel like exploring the lighter areas or the darker areas, no matter what comes up, I'll be right there and help you sit and ask the hard questions to actually get to the root of it, because that's where real transformation and real healing comes from, and that's the whole point of of being a human is learning and growing and evolving and rediscovering and helping others on that path.

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