Body Magic and Art

If you're new here, welcome to the party! If you've been here before, welcome back! I've been away for a minute. Thanks for putting me back in your ears.

My name is Stephanie Chin, and I am an illustrator and storyteller.

I focus usually on illustrating women who are standing in their power, knowing their worth, and I create a lot of illustrations around helping people kind of get to that and also empowering them to be in that state, a state where they don't tie their worth to their bodies or really anything on the outside. Something that sets my soul on fire is really just, I mean, just women. Just any women who are empowered and already in that state of worth are really, they really are what really motivates me and my work. And it always inspires me. It's something I can always search for whenever I am not feeling in that creative state.

I finally have 5 minutes to myself, even though I am nursing Roxanne. But I was actually doing that while we were recording, so it's like, it's fitting. But me and this goddess of a human recorded this episode probably like 2 months ago. Ago now, but you know what? This year has just been crazy. I don't have to remind you of that. You've all experienced something that has shook your world. And right now in my world, Kurt is deployed. And what the fuck? Having two little babies is so hard. I don't know how women who have multiples, like 4, 5, 6, 7, 11, do it or did it. I mean, it just like, it blows my mind. They're saints because I feel like I am on the verge of losing my shit probably 34 times a day.

But It's fine.

And of course, if you've been listening for a while, you know that my oldest daughter lives across the state with her dad. And so when she's here, it's so great. She's like, she entertains Stone and they play together and it's super fun. But anyway, yeah, so that's what's going on in my life. And I can't believe that it's December. And yeah, let's get to this episode though, because you are going to fall in love with Steph just like I have. She is such a beautiful human inside, outside, her work, everything. I am lucky enough that I get to talk to her on a daily basis because we have one of the same clients. We both are freelancers and So yeah, I get to chat with her frequently and I have come to just love her. I found her work and it really does, it touches my soul. And of course I had to like, I bought stuff for myself, I've bought stuff for other people, I bought stuff for Lil. It's phenomenal. So here is her story, or at least a little bit of it.

I would line up paper on my desk, I would line up my markers, like I would make sure the whole setup was beautiful, but I was always too scared to actually do anything. So I have a design assistant now, so she's been taking on quite a bit of work and this week was the first week where she was kind of like comfortable with it, like some of my stuff. So I've kind of like let her, like this week I was like, I'm gonna let you try to figure out everything and then I'd rather everything be wrong and then you try and then we come back and go over than for me to like sit next to you as you go through everything. So like, I'm gonna throw you in the water.

Don't worry, you're not gonna get in trouble if you drown. So that's been, it's been nice.

So, but it's been nice to like be able to like offload stuff even though in my mind I still like I have a million things to do. So even like telling myself like, you can kind of calm down, like you did everything now and then like for today and then you have someone else do it. In my mind, I still am like, I need to do that, I need to do that. And then she's like, I already did that. And I'm like, oh, okay. Like, yeah, I'm not used to that yet. Like I'm just used to just me and then me panicking and telling my partner everything I need to do and then him doing some of it.

So I had a complete, like, I don't even know what I call, like, it was just almost like an anxiety attack a few weeks ago where I was like, I have so much shit that I have to, like, I felt like there was so much on my plate and I didn't know like where to start of how to offload, which is crazy because I help people like figure out how to hire other people. So for me, I was like, How do I find that person? Like, how do I know? How do I trust? How do I? It was just like a freak out. And then yeah, Kurt got to hear all of it. And then I was like, sorry, you probably don't even get like what I'm saying. I don't know, it was frustrating.

It's challenging. Like even for me, like it's a hodgepodge of things that I need someone to do. And I've kind of like been able to split it into two jobs. 'Cause at first I needed someone like just virtual and design, but I also need someone here to like ship orders. To take product photos. Like I need someone in person too. And I kept trying to like marry those two jobs. And then there were a couple of people that just were not the proper fit. So, 'cause it was like, they were either good at this or that. So I was, at first I thought I just needed like a personal assistant to like help with all that shit. And then I was like, no, I need to split them up. 'Cause I also need help with like, I need you to run to the post office for me.

But I need you to be here with me and like be here when I freak out and help me when I freak out.

So it's helped to like split it Split up. them a little bit.

Right, I know.

I've been kind of like toying, playing around with that idea too because I'm like, really? Like, I would love for somebody to help me here and like with my business.

Yeah.

I think I'm also trying to like work through those like mindset blocks that like, oh, Kris, like you don't need a nanny. You know what I mean? Like, oh yeah, like shit like that where I'm like, I keep like coming up against this block that like, you don't need that, or like maybe not even deserve, but just like, no, like, I don't know. It's this weird thing.

It is like, so a couple, like a month ago, I told my partner like, I can't clean the house, like, and he can't either. Like he goes to work, he's an architect and he goes to work from like 8, 7 AM sometimes to like 7 PM. So he's not home. So he's got his own stuff. And then I'm here. And I've been very like, just because I'm the one here, I'm not doing shit that you're not like, we're gonna split it.

Like, I'll clean up after myself, but I'm not doing anything else. And even that, like, I'm not very good at, like, I always scramble to like clean shit up before he gets home, just my own mess.

But so I told him, I was like, you know, and I've been like, he's told me, he's like, let's just hire someone to clean the apartment.

Like, we can't do it.

And I've been like, no, like I can do it or you can do it. And probably like a month ago, he's like, can we just hire someone?

He's like, it doesn't make sense. He's like, I don't— and I'm always like, you can't expect me to do it. He's like, I don't, I'm saying let's hire someone. And he made a joke, he's like, I'm the feminist right now, not you, because I'm like telling you to hire someone.

So we did and it's made like such a difference to just like have someone just to like come in and just help and just have it be done with. So then in my mind, it's not like something that's like sitting on my to-do list or something I need to get around to. But I know what you mean. Like, it's— there's a thing where you're like, yeah, but I can just do it really quick. Like, I can just do it. I can just do it, right?

I'll just do it even though I'm gonna be like crying the whole time, like upset about it. It's fine.

Like, I'll just do it.

We even just like had this conversation last night too where he was like 'Okay, like it would be really nice if like you could cook dinner sometimes too.' And of course I like immediately got defensive and I was like, 'What? Like I cook dinner?' And then I was thinking and I'm like, 'Fuck, do I cook dinner? Like I don't know.' And then I'm like, 'What am I doing?' And I'm like, 'Oh, I'm nursing or like helping Stone or you know what I mean, like doing other things.' And so I was like, Maybe we just need a calendar where it's like on the calendar so I can see it. Like, Chris, you're in charge of dinner. Or, you know what I mean? Because right now I'm just like, dude, I don't even know what I'm doing. I know I'm doing stuff, but if you need to feel more supported in like a certain area, let's like write it out. And I hate feeling like I'm treating him kind of like a client. Like, I don't want to, but at the same time, I'm like, every— I'm such a visual person. Like, I have to see it written out or you're gonna be cooking and I'm just gonna be like, this is so great that you're cooking and me forgot that it was my turn.

Yeah, yeah, I feel that. It does help and like, when you have like other clients, you're constantly like, what do they need next? What do I need to do for them next? And you're like on the next thing and then you lose track of time too. So like your daily things that you need to do just kind of go out the window. Like I've been trying to make like an eye doctor appointment for like the past 2 weeks. It's literally like a phone call, but I've just like pushed it to the end of my day every day. And then today I was like, just fucking call the doctor.

Just call.

But it's like, it keeps getting pushed off because I'm like, I'll do it later. Like, it's a small thing. It's not a big deal. I'll do it later. But it is. It's like those things you have to like really plan out for yourself. But it does make a difference to like schedule them. Like even like I've started to schedule my workouts because I'm like, you have to do it between this time and this time because you know in the long run it makes you feel better. So don't wait until you don't feel good until you do it.

Don't wait until you feel like shit.

Yeah, me too.

I was just telling him the other day, I'm like, because I teach barre, and I'm like, I haven't actually gone and like done a workout for me in like months because I'm always teaching, which I love teaching, but it's still different. Like, I'm still thinking about the clients and thinking about how I'm going to like teach them and help them. I'm not necessarily thinking about like just releasing for myself.

You're engaged in a different way.

Yeah, it's just different. And so I'm like, it's— I mean, he gets to come home and go on his run or do whatever. And then I feel like I've just been putting my stuff on the back burner. And so I'm like, shit, I'm gonna have to start planning my own workouts too, where that's not like me teaching, but actually going and like, for real, getting those endorphins, because I don't think that I'm getting them fully. I don't know if that makes sense.

It does make sense.

So I'm like posting like those videos, I'm just like, oh my god, I— it almost like reminds me of like being in high school, like on a team. Like there's nothing comparable to like having those like support people next to you, like cheering you on, there to support you. Like it's so amazing.

Yeah, it's, it's, it's like something I've My partner and I, we went on a walk last night and we were actually talking about how, like, the main thing that's happened through COVID is there's like a— like everyone's kind of digressing, like when it comes to social things and like being— like almost like we're forgetting how important all of those things are for our mental health, which is kind of what made me think about it. Like just like being around other people and like celebrating with them and just like Being around people that even like people you don't necessarily always agree with or you don't really always love. Like now we're like cocooned into like, you know, like our families and certain types of people that we're like used to having around. But there's like something that like really stretches us about being around others and then just like celebration. And I think like I'm starting to feel like for myself, like we went to the mall on Saturday or Sunday and I was like, that was the best day I've ever had. Like, it was, like, I've gotten like a book deal, I've gotten like all these great things, but I was like, I was so happy to just be at the fucking mall around other people and just people that like, you know, just random people, just like observing people. And I've been really like missing that and like just talking with random store clerks, just randomly talking to someone. Like, you don't, I don't think we realize how important those things were for us and like our well-being. And our ability to be curious and to stretch. And now we're like, there's like, I'm starting to feel the effects of months of that, right? Of like, of that going down.

But yeah.

Thinking about like events that are coming up, like my immediate thought is like, is it safe? Like, should I wear a mask? Like things like that. And I'm like, oh my God, I used to never think of that. Like I remember like planning to go to a concert and just getting a high from like thinking about being close to people and like feeling the music in my chest and like dancing. And so it's so strange to now like have those other thoughts that creep in before you can even like settle with the joy of working with you, you know?

Yeah, it's tough.

Um, so tell me more like about this dance group that like, how did you get a part of it? And like, just tell me everything about it.

So I, okay, so I got a part of it in a really weird way. There was my partner, he had like a girl that he dated that I thought was totally hot and I like stalked her on Instagram for a while.

And then she had a friend that I also thought was hot.

So then I went on her, like a weird wormhole, I went onto her Instagram and then I liked a lot of her shit and then she followed me and then we started talking, very random. Like it's random I found her that way. And then she was like, at the time I was doing kind of like a project called Call Me a Creator where I was interviewing different people in the city, different like creatives. So I saw that she danced and I was like, oh, that's so cool. And she was very, what attracted me about her was she was very muscular and very just powerful. And she did like powerlifting, but then she also like danced in heels. So I was like, this is amazing. Like, I'm so drawn to you. And I was like, I would love to hear more about your dance. So her and I met up for coffee. And then we were talking about it and I interviewed her for it. And then she was like, you should come to a class. And I was like, oh, you're so cute. Like, no, no, no.

But she's like, no, you should really come. And I pushed it off.

And then one day she messaged me on Instagram. She's like, okay, so I've got like a free, I can bring a free friend. I know where you live. I'm gonna come get you and we're gonna go. And then I was like, I was like, okay, like, I'll go. And we went and it was just the— I was so terrified because I, like, growing up, I had always wanted to dance, but I did cheerleading a little bit and that just didn't feel right. And then there was such a, you know, high school cheerleading, there's such a competitiveness to it and such a— there's so much judgment around it. And I didn't really get like a feeling of a team. It just felt very separate. So I was not— I didn't feel really into that. So that kind of separated me from dance, even though I wanted to do it. And I've always like danced at home with myself. So I went there kind of nervous that it would be the same atmosphere. And then her, you know, it was just the complete opposite. Like it was just like women screaming at the top of their lungs, like cheering on other women. And it was just, it was great group. So I started going to classes every week. And then they have a— so the way it's set up is they have like weekly classes, but they also have it to where every quarter they do like a performance. So if you want to, you can perform no matter like what your background, like no matter what. And I had done it for a couple of months and they're like, you should sign up to do that.

And I was like, no, like I'll come here to classes. You got me that far. Like, that's it. And then, and then I finally got like talked into it.

So then I did it and it was It was the most, you know, it's very challenging to like, I'm not good at choreography. Like, there's like a disconnection for me. Like, I felt like I had to practice as like, some people are able to like see it, copy it, done, and then just practice, you know, just practice it, like fine-tuning it. For me, it's like I have to really do it over and over and over. So there was a challenge in that of itself of like me really like, like I had to really practice it. Which taught me a lot about self-discipline too, surprisingly. But yeah, so I danced with them for a couple years. And then, yeah, I just loved it. It was so much fun. It's not something that I, you know, at the time too, my partner and I, like, we went on a huge RuPaul's Drag Race kick, like where we watched every episode. Like, him and I were so into it.

So like every dance session, like I was like trying to like channel my RuPaul.

Like, we got so into it, but But yeah, that's kind of how I stumbled across it.

That's so amazing. I have been trying to recently deconstruct— so I grew up in a super conservative, religious family, tiny little town. Okay, Roxanne Rae. And so I've been recently trying to deconstruct thoughts that I've had towards anything that was taught to me that wasn't okay, you know what I mean? That wasn't like meant for me to do. Like, I mean, and so it's just been this insane journey and I loved reading Untamed because it was like, which I'm sure every fucking woman can just be like, it spoke to me like in some way, like she just, she hits on something that you like have experienced in your life. But Yeah, even like being a mom, and I've had people be like, "Well, you're a mom now," and I'm like, "But I'm still Kris." Like, I still have all of this passion, and I still have sex drive, and I still want to dance and like move and be wild. And so it's been like ever since reading that book, I've been kind of like delving, diving into like what that means for me and like how I can like use that or find a creative outlet. So I loved that you were doing that because I'm like, you know what, I feel like a lot of women could use something like that, that just like, it's a creative outlet. It's good. Like, it's just so empowering and freeing.

And yeah, and it's kind of like decoupled. Like for me before, I kind of thought of like my sexuality as something that was mutually exclusive for like men, or in that way. So this kind of really decoupled it for me, like being in a room of women who were just dancing and moving their bodies because that felt good to them. And that was them stepping into their own sexuality, despite of how it was going to be projected by, you know, whoever they're attracted to. So there was something very visceral about that experience alone that really helped me to be like, okay, these are two different things. Like, it's totally different, you know, dancing for my own self-expression and tapping into my own sexual, you know, drive. And then, you know, the ways that I conduct myself in certain ways for men are like two different things. And I think a lot of women really couple them, like they think automatically that that's the same. So that experience kind of really helped me to break them apart and to really be comfortable and see that my sexuality, like, belonged to me. And then I can decide if I want to bring someone else into that. Rather than it's for someone else and then maybe I can feel it, right? And then since then, I've had better sex. Like, it just kind of changed everything once it was like, this is my power and this is mine.

I love that. I love that thinking of, yeah, that it's mine. I, a few years ago, I went to the Dominican for like a circus training. It was when I was super—

Oh, cool.

And I was like, I'm just gonna book this. I was like, it was right like the beginning stages of my divorce. And so I was like, I just need to do something like for myself. I just need to like book this $4,000 trip and go and like, it's fine.

It'll be great.

And I got there and it really was, it was like scary and liberating. And it was, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Like I was just like, I, you know, hopefully I meet people and we get along and like, this is great. But the lady in charge of the retreat, she did a twerk shop one night and she gave this empowering, amazing speech about how, basically what you just said, sexuality is whatever you want it to be. You can, the way you move your body is just like, all humans are meant to do this. And as women especially, we're so full of this passion and fire and just that little speech beforehand. And she's like, "And now we're just gonna turn on music and we're gonna twerk and we're just gonna have a really great time." And at first I was like, oh my God, like, I don't even know how to twerk. Like, I'm gonna be so embarrassed. I don't even know what's happening. But she like taught us from the beginning stages. And I remember like laying, like, she's like, lay flat on your stomach on the floor. Now basically like hump the floor. And I'm like, this is so, I don't know. And it was the funnest night I have had in years. I mean, it was just like surrounded by all these women, all different, you know, from all different walks of life and like all different backgrounds just here like twerking in this random like gym on the beach in the Dominican. It was just like, I wish that I could have that feeling all the time because that feeling like that lives in you, it really does like light a fire, especially when you're like surrounded by that. Oh my gosh, it'd be so great for everyone to feel. All the time.

I know, and it really like, it helps your creative side too, right? Because I think those are really, in my experience, they're very closely linked. Like, I'm the most creative when I kind of feel like, you know, like not just more in tune with my body, but when I just kind of feel like I've tapped into that power, like as a woman, like when I tap into that, then I feel more comfortable to be creative and to create. And to kind of just kind of keep it going. So that's been something that's like, like my creativity, like since quarantine is kind of like, you know, like I have my own ways to like sit and conjure it up and kind of like, you know, invite her in. It's different when I have like less, you know, like less, even just being around other people and kind of tapping into that with other people. There's just a healing of that in and of itself.

Right.

That's just like so important.

Yeah, I completely, completely agree. I was listening to this podcast by, I think the name is called Quick Brain. Have you ever heard of it? He does like, I'm gonna say his tagline, it's like bite-sized brain hacks for busy people or something. And he like interviews these people and they just give tips about like different brains. So he'll have like women get or guests who like have studied your brain and who can like give you these little tips. So he had this woman on a few weeks ago and she was talking about how our, as women specifically, like our brain is, we always, we know this anyway, is different than a male's brain. And it was talking about how we can like use our menstrual cycle, like the whole month, the 30-day like calendar month to plan like our whole life around it. So she was saying like at different times of the month, like one section is like, you know, like your creative brain will be more, I don't know, active. And then, and I like, I guess I had never heard it in the terms that she was talking about, but I was like, very interesting. I should probably like learn about this. And it makes me kind of feel sad that I am a woman and 30 years old and I'm like, Why the fuck don't I know about this stuff? Like, why wasn't I taught this, you know, like growing up? Like, oh, like you're a magical woman. Like, let me teach you how to like, you know, harness that. And so I think as a mom now to two girls that I can hopefully like instill that in them. They're growing older, but I guess I haven't really figured out exactly how to or when. And anyway.

It's a—

yeah, it's a practice. There's a book I read that talked about that too. It's called The Woman Code. I read it several years ago. There are some issues with the book that I wasn't overly in love with. I don't remember the author, but it was— I did have a lot of takeaways from it, and one of them was that, like, to use your cycle, like, you're more creative. I don't remember the specifics, but like during this time period, you're more creative. Also, like, you know, like it goes parallel with like the moon, you know, so she kind of like tapped into like when, you know, when is the time to let go, like what time in your cycle do you need to release certain things or do you need to focus on certain intentions and then what other ones do you need to try to call things in. So that was kind of an interesting where I was like, yeah, like why the same question you had where it's like, why am I just now learning about these things? Like these things I've started to feel in myself even before someone told them, like even learning about sexuality and then, you know, diving into my creative side, like, then I started to see those patterns in myself. And then I started to investigate outward more of like, do other people feel this way?

Like, blah, blah.

And then that's when I sought out more resources. But you do like, ask yourself, like, why is this? Why is this suppressed? Why is this not something that we talk about? Why is there, you know, the only thing that's really talked about is like the good girl syndrome, and then we fall in line with that, we try to live that out. Like, why isn't it this way?

Right, 100%. I actually had a little bit of an experience a few weeks ago. So when Cuties was released on Netflix and there was like huge controversy and I was like, you know, I'm just gonna, like, instead of reading everybody's thoughts and opinions about it, I'm just going to watch it myself and like, just take it in and digest how I feel, and then I'll just talk to Kurt about it. And so I watched it by myself one evening, like after the kids went to sleep, and just kind of like sat with it and sat with my feelings and just kind of like let myself feel all the different emotions about it. And of course, it's kind of hard not to see what other people have said, just because it always pops up, but it kind of like brought me back to being that age, like a 10 and 11-year-old girl, and growing up in a household that didn't really like talk about that at all. And a religion that kind of like her, like sex just like was not talked about. Like you just even like think about it, you didn't talk about it. And I could almost like, I was just like, I can relate to this. Like I remember being 11 and like being interested in like like my body and like wondering, you know, like just kind of starting to like get those feelings of like, I like boys, like my sexuality, you know, like all those things and not knowing like where to go, who to turn to, how to experiment. I don't know. So it was just a very like, it was nice to sit down with Kurt and probably because, I mean, he didn't watch it and isn't going to watch it. So it was nice to just have somebody who like didn't, really have an opinion at all, for me to just be able to like, "Blah, this is how I feel about it." And he was just like, "That's really, you know, like, I'm glad that you're sharing this with me." And it was nice to not have like all the other opinions and things thrown out.

Yeah, I actually, I didn't, I haven't watched it yet. I've like, I kind of had the same as you where I was like, I just want, I'm gonna watch it first. Also, like, it's in my mind, like, it's a film, it's it's still a piece of art. So, like, no matter what, I always feel like we, like, you know, just from like going to college for journalism, like the moment we start to censor experiences, we become a very dangerous society. So that's my first, no matter what, when everyone was like, you know, like throwing, like just my Facebook was just blown up with every woman that's a mother, like responding to it. And I was like, you know, I didn't give any opinions because I hadn't seen it. But I did like say, you know, it's really dangerous when we start to like censor things, like regardless of if whether you feel that it's leaning this way or this way, whether you feel the experience is even, you know, provoking or could provoke, you know, you're still in charge of what your child sees, first of all.

Right.

Like, first of all, second of all, like, it's, you know, it's someone sharing their story. And I know that, like, I have a friend that works for Netflix, and then he was saying, like, Netflix did fall a little bit short on the advertisement. And that is where the lines got blurred, was that they did fall a little bit short in that department. So it was advertised in a direction that maybe it shouldn't have been advertised, like they should have pulled other clips for the advertisement. So, you know, but even like explaining that to people, people were still, you know, losing their minds over it. So I was like, I'm not gonna watch this for a little bit because I already like have all these people who've said all these things. So it's in my mind. So I'm gonna wait till like it calms down and then watch it and then have my own opinion. But I already, like, no matter what, like I said, I just think censorship is pretty dangerous. But I can see some, depending upon someone's experience, like you and I have tapped into that part of ourselves where we've questioned the things that we've been taught as little girls and how, you know, we question why we weren't able to ask and explore. And why that would have even been dangerous. Like, you know, you're like, why would that have even been an issue? And so with something like this, you're like, well, you know, but these are— this is how people feel. Like, this is an experience that we've all felt, and it's just being talked about, right? Like, yeah, why is that dangerous?

When I saw this one comment, I don't even know where, but it was talking about how, like, there are so many things and resources and and movies about like boys coming of age, but there's like hardly any. And I was like, that's so true. Like, I can't even recall a time that I've watched a movie like Cuties that has been like a story of a little girl coming of age. Like, I was just like, there really isn't. And so I think that you're totally right. I mean, we're in charge of what our kids view and see and learn at our home. And so I think that it taught me, if anything, to like just be way more open in our house. Like, we talk about everything. It's very like keeping it neutral. Like, there's no good and bad. There's just like, we're humans and this is our experience. And like, this is a safe space to like talk about like anything, anything that you're thinking. And I don't ever want it to be like, oh, we don't talk about that, or we don't, you know, because I just— each human is just so different. I It's, you know, as a mom, I look at all my kids and even though Roxanne's little and Stone's still little, but I'm like, they're so different in who they are. And I mean, now that Lily's 8, I'm just like, she has her own like thoughts and feelings and she's starting to question things and she's starting to like ask, you know, questions and notice things. And it really is a beautiful thing to be able to like I'm constantly being taught how I can be better as a human and a parent. But yeah, as far as what I was thinking with the movie, I'm like, wow, it just kind of brought more attention to it and just more like, oh, this is how I can be a mom.

Yeah.

So anyway, yeah, it was— it's very interesting looking at it as like a woman that's just me and then also as a woman being a mother. It's, yeah, different perspective. But, um, as far as like you, I want you to tell me like your— how you got into like what you do and where you like draw your creativity from, because I feel— I mean, all of your work is just so like empowering and beautiful and, and deep that I'm just like, tell me everything, like how you like where you draw your inspiration from?

You know, I get asked that question a lot. I never really have like a proper answer.

Maybe there's not one.

Yeah, I don't know if there is. So I started drawing, like I drew as a little girl and then I was always very anxious to like, I would line up paper on my desk, I would line up my markers, like I would make sure the whole setup was beautiful, but I was always too scared to actually do anything. So I always would like, I would like collect creative items like my, you know, for Christmas they'd be like, what do you want? I'd be like, new paint set, but I would never touch it. So like every year I would just collect things, but I was always too scared to actually create. And that kind of got to where, you know, I finally was just like, well, maybe I'm just not meant to do this, even though I never tried. So I just kind of brushed it off to the side. I worked in the music industry for, oh God, for about 10 years, so I did like show production for like South by Southwest and like quite a bit of music festivals, and then I was always around musicians and then other artists, so in that I kind of started to weave myself into the community, and then everyone said the same thing, everyone was like, you know, like, why don't you, you always say you want to do this, why don't you do it? And I was always like, eh, I don't know. Like, I'm just meant to like help promote and help other artists. I'm not meant to be one myself. And then one day, you know, I went through addiction recovery because I had a problem with Adderall. And Adderall just took my, whatever creativity I had left and threw it out the window even more because it just made me a little bit of a workhorse. So I, when I went through recovery for that, I took a class. There's an artist named Mari Andrew. You've probably— she's a pretty popular Instagram artist. And she gave a Skillshare class that was like how to draw for gratitude. And I was like, whatever, I'm gonna take it even though it seems— so I took it and with no expectations. And then it was watercolor and I found something very healing about you know, not just journaling because at the time, you know, when I was going through recovery, they were like, if you're feeling a feeling, write about it, write about it, write about it, just do nothing but write. So I was like filling up journals of just every feeling and then I got very tired of just writing over and over, I feel like crap, I'm tired, blah, blah, blah. So, you know, I started to take those classes and then I noticed that there was something very visceral for me about just taking the feeling and expressing it in a different way beyond just writing about it. So I started to just paint like crazy. Like I was just, it was the first time I really tapped into that and I started off doing like feeling characters. So I would do like inspiration and then what inspiration said to me that day. So it kind of was leaning into more of that direction of me exploring, just exploring exploring feelings that I had never really let myself experience when I was on Adderall. Like I was always suppressing and move on. So at this time in my life, I was just like, let's unpack all of this. Let's just, you know, let ourselves feel it. And then that kind of translated into me just developing my own style, which is what I do now. Like now it's moved from the feeling characters to me, you know, drawing women because I've just I'm in love with women. I love everything about them. I love drawing them and their, you know, their different details and everything in that fashion. So I like to include that in my work. I'm obviously obsessed with space. So, you know, I've just kind of like, a lot of my inspiration is just a collection of like things that I love and things that I'm feeling. So I say like, as far as like what inspires me, it's literally just whatever I'm thinking about that day or whatever I need to tell myself that day. That's always more of what I'm leaning on is what do I need to say to myself today? And what, like, do I think someone else maybe needs to hear that too? And then just me being like willing to kind of, you know, in addiction recovery, the first thing you have to throw out the window is shame, right? Because shame does no one any good. It just does damage. And just unraveling all the things that I held shame for, you know, kind of helped me to unpack all these little nuances that I've discovered are what make us really human. So, and like, just letting myself explore that and then letting myself talk about that has kind of just naturally developed its own, you know, creative process.

So in the morning, like, do you think that your, your creations, like, are you more in tune with them now? Like, they come to you quicker? Or do you Do you take like time where you just sit and write and just kind of like feel everything that's going on right then?

Right, I used to. Like since quarantine it's been a little bit different since quarantine because there's like blurred lines since I'm home all day now. So there's a— it's harder for me to, you know, I've had a harder time really tapping into it the way I used to. So like I do morning pages now, which is where I like write 3 pages of just whatever I'm feeling unfiltered. And it's hell every morning. Like I never want to do it. It's always like, I wake up, you have to do your morning pages. Oh my God. And then I do them.

And then I'm like, it's like a chore.

It is a chore, but I always leave it discovering something new about myself in that moment. I always leave it knowing what I need in that moment. And I always leave it feeling like I've kind of like lit the fire of creativity a little bit. So I don't like morning pages, but now I know, like everyone's like, everyone told me like, you should do them, you should do them. And I was like, fine. And then I'm like, okay, now I get it.

Like, everyone was yelling at me to do it forever.

So now a lot of my creativity comes immediately after morning pages. Like I'll do that and then, you know, and then I'll let it kind of bleed into, you know, into like what I'm gonna maybe create that day. And then I also give myself space. Space now to not create. Like, you know, the last couple months I've like been so lucky to have things that are growing and other areas that I need to like kind of reserve my creativity for. So, you know, like the book that I'm working on, and then now I'm kind of like, like working on a line of different things. So I've kind of pulled away from like the obsessiveness of needing to create every day. Like that saved me after recovery. And now I'm like, now I need to kind of take it and let it expand. And part of that for me is like giving myself permission to just not feel creative. Like, you know, like from like May till July, like I was not feeling it at all. And I just kind of like let myself. I was like, you're not feeling creative, so don't create. And that's hard, right? Because you— for me, I was like, well, now I've lost it.

Well, now it's gone forever.

And my double lose.

I'm gonna lose all my clients, I'm gonna lose all my work.

Like, I just kind of let those fears say all that bullshit to me and then just didn't believe in them and just let myself keep going. And then of course, like, you know, it kind of— the creativity kind of found its way back to me, right? So it's just, I just kind of accept that it's up and down. And I think that's what a lot of people struggle with, especially in like this day and age where it's like with Instagram, so everyone feels like they need to create something today. And tomorrow, and if you don't feel it that day, you lost it.

Like, you know, like everyone, and then everyone has that feeling. Everyone's like, it's gone. Like, it's just gone forever. Like, I have nothing to say forever. And that's never the case, right?

Right. It's fucking insane. Like thinking about our society and just like we are, it really is such a great tool to connect with people all over the world. It's such a beautiful thing. But I get those same feelings and I'm sure most people do. It's like, shit, I didn't like say I didn't say the right, like the way I could have said it, or like I didn't get on and like, I don't know, it's intense.

Yeah. I think it's like ramped up too now that we like have less lived experiences that are kind of where we, I think we neutralize, like we'll do something like before it was like, I would do something online. I didn't really like it, whatever. I'll just go out and do something. Like, I don't care.

But now it's like, now I'm on my phone just looking at everything else, judging myself more.

So there's like no, like, there's like, it's harder to disconnect from those thoughts now in a natural way. Like you, I feel like now I have to like work to be like, yes, I know you're going to be home all day, but you need to not be on your phone from this time period to this time period. Right? Like I have to like really be like, even though you're not going to do much, like this isn't, this isn't what we're going to use to fill our time because it doesn't really, for me, I noticed it was like, when I was having those months of like where I wasn't feeling creative, it like almost leaked out of me more when I was online all the time, right? Because then I was like collecting other people's ideas and other people's feelings that didn't really belong to me. And then I was judging myself based off them. So then it's just kind of like a shit cycle. It doesn't really help anyone. Like it doesn't help me.

It doesn't help them because I'm judging them.

Like it's like, it's like it just So I had to like really see how, you know, like Instagram is where I built my business. It's where I built, you know, almost all my clients. So it is a great resource, but I have to remember that like it's a tool. And the moment that I start feeling like it's using me and then it's turning me against myself in some way, then I have to like really separate from it.

Yeah, I love that. I love that analogy, everything you just said. That was going to be my next question.

So you, all your clients have just like found you because they absolutely love your So yeah, almost every client I have found me, like Libby found me on Instagram. I remember Libby emailed me like last, it was Christmas last year. It was probably on Christmas, sorry Libby.

No, it was like a week before.

But she emailed me and she was like, "Hi, I'd like you to do Instagram." And I was still new to taking on clients, so I didn't really have a package. I was like, "Yeah, I can draw for your Instagram." And she was like, oh, she sent me a file of stuff that she wanted. And then I was like, I remember I asked her, can I know a little bit about what you do? Because I like to be intentional with my clients because I have a specific style. So I like for it to be authentic. Like this is someone I actually want to support because I try to be mindful about the clients I take on and who I design for. So I was like, can I know a little bit about what you do so I can know if we like align? And then she's like, that's a great question or something.

And then that's just how I met her.

And then like, you know, I did a little bit for her and then when her last designer, like I did just like some of her stuff and then her last designer left or what, I don't know what happened. Then she was like, you know, can I have you full time? And I was like, you know, sure, because You know, it was just, I love Libby because Libby's like, do this and this. Like she's very specific and I'm like, I love that. 'Cause there's a lot of clients where they're like, I don't know, I don't know. And then that for an artist, what it always turns out to be is, I don't know means I know, but I'm not, I don't know if I know. So I'm gonna let you try to create something.

And then if I don't like it, I'll tell you, which always turns into like, a lot of like backtracking.

So I like that Libby's like, I like this specifically, this specifically. So that's always been like something that's really like helped my relationship with her grow. But everyone else, like, I— it's completely from Instagram and she found me on Instagram. So it's been very, yeah, Instagram. And then some people in person. But yeah, it's all been Instagram. I have a friend, The Birds Papaya. Yeah, so her, she, when she started to kind of blow up like 2 years ago, she was sharing a lot of my art and I did a couple pieces for her, for her Instagram. So that was kind of like a big like jump start as far as like gaining followers and people following me. And so yeah, that was, I think like her support has made a difference.

Sorry?

You guys were friends like previous?

No, we were Instagram friends because she lives, I mean, she's here in Toronto so I saw her on Instagram and we started following each other and then that was that. But she blew up in the last year. She's just really blown up. But her sharing the work that her and I did together early on kind of really helped me to gain clients and people found me. And I mean, literally Adobe found me from Instagram. It's wild. And that's why I've really focused on Instagram because it's like you know, it's kind of where everyone settles into, like, you know, people will go on Facebook randomly, but it's always, I think, I feel like Facebook's always more of like a mind numb, like people go to Facebook to like scroll, like everyone that's saying random things, but then they don't really interact or do anything with it. At least that's what I do, but then there's more like active engagement and creativity on Instagram. So it feels like that's where people kind of go to, you know, to to kind of, I mean, there's still the mindless scrolling obviously, but—

Yeah, it's different. And you can like intentionally build your feed, like, to show you what you want to see, which I feel like on Facebook you can't really.

No, you can't.

It's just so different. And so yeah, I would totally agree with that, that like Instagram is just, like I go there when I like want, because everything that I'm scrolling through is stuff I want to see anyway, whereas Facebook I'm like, oh God, like another, you know, political rant or another, like, I don't know, whatever, but I'm still scrolling. Like, what the fuck am I doing? You know? And so I'm like, get out of here, stop it. Being a freelancer and getting to choose like who you work with and like what you spend your time doing is such a huge blessing compared to like doing corporate stuff that I've done, you know, that I did for years before where I was just like doing work to do work. Like for a paycheck and not actually doing work that I like truly loved and truly stood behind. So I love that.

Yeah, yeah, it really, it makes a big difference and it's, you know, it's nice to like to be able to decide, right? To be like, you know what, this doesn't align with me. And of course, like as a freelancer, there's always that fear of like, yeah, but if I don't take this on, will I have another client? Client. So there's like, just like, you've got to like trust the process. Like for me, I always try to— it's weird because I do these things. Do you know, have you ever heard of To Be Magnetic by Lacey Phillips?

No.

Okay, so it's like this whole woo—

it's like the most woo-woo thing about me.

But it is, they're like these deep imaginings and they're this, they're kind of like hypnotherapy.

Yeah.

And he's like, she really focuses on like lack mentality and like how to, you know, unpack that. But not in like a, just think more positive. Like she doesn't really do spiritual bypass. She's more like, no, like find out, make a list of times where you feel triggered into that mentality, write them down. Now you're going to meditate on these. And so it's kind of like really unpacking your shit. Totally. And for her, like I did like opulence, which is like, you know, kind of building into like your dream job. So like, she's always like, the more nos you say to people, the more of your own yeses you're gonna get. Like if you say no to all of these things that are not for you, then you'll get something that is for you. And it is, you know, it's almost like witchcraft.

Love it. But it's wild 'cause I've like found like it works. Like in the last year, like I've said no to so many things.

And then, you know, things have just come up out of nowhere. Like I said, it was like 2 months ago, I said no to 2 big projects. And I was terrified to say no to them. Because they were also people in my, in the like body confidence space. And I was very nervous to say no to them, because I didn't feel aligned with them. I also didn't want to take on the work at the time from them. So, or what they needed. So I said no, was very scared. And then my best friend who does the Lacey Phillips thing too, she's like, "Oh my God, you're gonna get a huge thing now." And I was like, "Whatever, we'll see." And then like a week later Adobe contacted me. So I was like, "Oh my God, it works." Which is super wild. But yeah, but I do think there is something to, you know, just making sure that as a freelancer you kind of know that you can fine-tune the clients. That you want. Doesn't mean you don't have to do the work, doesn't mean they're just gonna magically show up. Like, you've gotta, you know, find a way to get in front of them, find a way to connect with them and reach out. And, but I'm very like, at this stage, you know, like if I want to work with someone, like I'll reach out to them and say, if this is ever in your cards one day, I'd love to do this with you, I'd love to work with you. And sometimes people are like, okay, and then I don't hear from them, but then I'll hear from them later. So I've like found that there's something into just telling people, you know what, I don't know why, but I'm inspired by what you do. There's something about you that draws me to you. If you ever want anything, you want to do something together, let me know. And then I've had, I've sent that out so many times. And then a lot of my bigger clients, like I've gotten from just doing that, from like reaching out. That's amazing. I love it.

I'm all about, I like, I found this, like abundance meditation, just like searched it on like through podcasts or whatever. Have no clue who she is, but I like love her shit. And Lil was laying in bed with me one night and she's like, what is this? I love this. And I'm like, yeah girl, let's just go to sleep to listening about like money mindset and abundance. I truly like, it's so, I love when they like walk you through it. Like imagine that you're doing this now, watch like when money comes.

Oh, I love that too.

Yeah. And like, mm-hmm.

And so like, I really do, I'm a part of this mastermind, I'm a community manager for her, and she has her best friend doing like intuitive work, like for the group, which I thought was so amazing to like have on your mastermind. Like, he's, she's like, oh yeah, he will do like all of your mindset work. So like if you have anything, just like go to him and he will help you. I'm like, how cool is that? So he was giving his like money story and just like working through stuff and even just like listening to his, I'm like, oh my gosh, like I can totally see like where I now need to like break down my shit. And it's just, it's so cool that we can like connect with people, learn from them, like hear their story and somehow like it connects with you and it can help you share your story. Like just so amazing. And like, I'm, I love, love, love that we, like, that I found you and then I get to work with you. Like, I'm like, fuck yes! Like, it's like my dream, like, to work with somebody that you love as, you know, like a person, an artist, and then you also get to like help, you know, in the process of designing. So it's been so amazing. I'm so, so glad that you were wanting to chit-chat and like share a little bit of your story.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, so thank you. DM me and let me know what you thought of this episode.

Also, follow Steph on Instagram @stephaniechinart. Order some of her amazing artwork just in time for the holidays. You're welcome.

I'll talk to you soon.