Career Coaching With Caffeinated Kyle

Caffeinated Kyle. Hi. Hello. Every time I go to Starbucks, I think of you because it's literally in like every one of your posts, which I love. Welcome to The Red Door. Rebranded, transfigured, same mantra. Here to give you a voice, sharing real stories, raw, unfiltered, No bullshit. I'm your host, Kristjana Hillberg. I mean, even though I've never met you, it still feels like when you read someone's blog posts or read what they're doing every day, you almost feel this little connection with them.

You do.

And so I read a post that you had written. For the life of me, I tried to find it and I could not find it, but it really— it just like hit my heart. I originally heard of Kyle Elliott about a year and a half ago through a Facebook group that I am a part of, and the host of the Facebook group was just ranting and raving about him. And together they did a little online interview about remote work and having clients, and, you know, I can't really remember all the things that they talked about, but I immediately fell in love with him. Kyle's favorite word is fabulous. His goal in life is to help people figure out what makes them fabulous. He has been drinking Starbucks daily since the 6th grade and is a Disneyland annual pass holder. So lucky. I hope you enjoy this episode. Meet Kyle. And so I just— the way that you brand yourself, I think just gives people that comfortability already with you, which is such an incredible thing to have in our day and age, you know?

Thank you. Thank you. It's fun. And I think at the end of the day, it's really just being honest and sharing my story. I think there's a lot of people— I guess we can talk about this more later, but I think it's fun to be able to share my story with the world. I think one of the most important things to cure stigma is for people to share their stories.

When did you feel like your story needed to be shared? You know how sometimes you just like, you can't stop thinking about it? You haven't shared it yet, but that's like all that's on your mind, and it's like just building up inside of you? When did you first feel like you needed to get it out?

It's a story I think, like most queer people, like most people living with mental illness, like most people who've been sexually assaulted, there's this piece of them where they're like, ugh, there's this bitter taste in my mouth. I just want to share this. But you don't know what the other side looks like. What will it look like once I share this? So it's always, I think, been there. I've always known I was queer, so I think that part has always been there. And then once I was diagnosed with mental illness and once I was assaulted, that kind of taste was always in my mouth. So I think it's always been there. But then looking as I was getting more success with my business, with clients, I was like, there aren't people like me out there, or at least I didn't see them. And I think as my business continued to grow, that's when I was really like, I need to share this because I'm not seeing any people out there like me. So that means other people like me aren't seeing anyone out there. So that's why I really felt like I need to share this so that at least there's one person out there that looks like me and is sharing their story with the world.

I love that. I love that reason. It's like doing it to help somebody else, even though it helps you at the same time.

Exactly. And that's what my dad has shared a lot, is he's like, I know this is important for your own healing process too. And while I do it for other people, it's also immensely important and helpful for me in my own journey of recovery to share my story and share my truth and my lived experiences.

Have you opened up at all about your assault? Was this back when you were in college?

Yes, I was in grad school, and I took a while to share that. It was easier to come out as gay and to share living with mental illness. But I think the assault part, part was difficult because I immediately shared that I was assaulted with police and at the hospital, and the police laughed. At the hospital, they didn't believe me. So I think that's why it was so challenging is because when anyone shares they're assaulted, but especially men, there's a lot of stigma that it carries. So I immediately was faced with stigma and laughing and people didn't believe— not believing me. So that's why I was so resistant to share it in even greater space, because the first reaction I got was that. So that's why I was hesitant to share at first.

Oh yeah, I completely— I understand that feeling 100%, um, coming from me. And as a woman, I think also you I grew up in a super conservative household where you didn't really talk about sex. Like, sex was just off limits, period. And so to even think that someone would assault you and, like, perform acts, you know what I mean? Like, that was not even thought about because sex, consensual sex, wasn't even thought about.

Yeah.

So to think about sex that wasn't consensual was nowhere in my vocabulary. I had no clue how to even respond or feel about it. And so I think that was one thing that was hard for me is to be like, where do you even begin? Because I hadn't even been given the knowledge of what to do if that ever did happen.

Yeah, I think it's just taboo on top of taboo. Like you said, we don't talk about sex enough. We don't talk about sexual assault, then we don't talk about men being assaulted, then we don't talk about coming out. So it's just taboo. And when it's not talked about, there's no practice. And when we don't practice something, we can't get good at it, and we can't really have those conversations that we need to have in order to cure stigma, right?

And I think also, I mean, there's no handbook as far as— we're all individuals, and there's no handbook as to like, this is the right way to handle it. And especially because we're all genetically different We all handle emotion and events in our lives completely differently as well. So when you have all of these major events that take place in your life, we're all bound to handle it differently. So I love— I am all about breaking the stigmas for everything, because I think the more we talk about it, the more that it becomes the norm that our kids and the future generations won't have that feeling of being shamed. And that's, that's the feeling that I, that was evoked is like that feeling of feeling like you're not good enough, like you won't be loved, like you will be judged if and when you decide to share your story with the world.

Exactly. Exactly. And it's so important that we have those conversations openly. And honestly and encourage them.

So as far as going to therapy and seeking a therapist that you go to frequently, which I am a huge believer— I think everyone should find a therapist that they love, like, that they trust and that they feel, you know, can help them through life. So when did you decide that that was something that you wanted to have? In your life?

Yeah, so I've been going to therapy for I think 7 or 8 years now. And it was encouraged to me actually as a result of migraines. So I've suffered with migraines for a decade now. And I went to doctor after doctor for help with these migraines. And they just didn't know what it was. They were like, OK, literally everything you can think of other than mental health reasons, they thought it was. They tried treating everything. I've seen more doctors than you can count. And then finally, one doctor is like, Oh, okay, what did the psychiatrist say? Or have you seen a psychiatrist? Something like that. I was like, no, why would I see a psychiatrist? And she's like, oh, well, this is— you're in college, you're stressed, it's probably mental health related. And I saw a psychiatrist, and within 5 or 10 minutes, she's like, yep, your migraines are caused by anxiety. Let's start treating the anxiety. And as soon as we start treating the anxiety through psychiatry, through therapy, Through really just self-care and self-love, I started seeing a relief in my migraines. And really all the underlying causes of them we were able to address. And really all the migraines just started going away. I still get them sometimes, but they were every day, and now I get them maybe once a month. And that's really what pushed me to go to therapy was a doctor finally saying, well, let's talk about your mental health, not just treating all these symptoms, but really finding the root cause of this. So that doctor, I'm immensely thankful for. And then since then, I've been going to therapy now for, I think, 7 or 8 years now to continue that upkeep and say, okay, let's not just address these symptoms, but really focus on the root causes that were causing that anxiety and stress.

And what a huge weight lifted off your shoulders to be like, oh my gosh, there was a reason. There were other things that were going on that no one else had talked about or brought up before. No one.

Yeah, not a single doctor had ever thought, okay, let's ask you about your mental health or talk about this. And now we've came a long way in medicine in the last 5 or 10 years where a lot of doctors will now administer tests around mental health, anxiety, stress. But back then they didn't do that, just 5 or 10 years ago. So I'm thankful now that we talk more about mental health with doctors and they look at you as a whole person compared to just your symptoms so that we can really address everything going on with us.

Yeah, absolutely. This actually reminds me of something. That I came across yesterday. It's this couple who talks a lot about, like, honoring each other and just, like, really showing up for each other. And they talk about, you know, different ways and different gender roles and, like, the masculine energy and the feminine energy. And anyways, yesterday they were talking about how we, we as humans are taught that, like, when you grow up that you should just all of a sudden, you know, have that emotional, um, quote unquote maturity to just like never lose your shit. Like you just like keep it together because you're older, like you should know better. Um, and so they were kind of talking about that and how in their relationship they look at each other and when one of them is having like a really hard day or a bad day or they're like really angry or frustrated, that's when the love really opens up and you like hug that person and you say like, I— you are so loved, like you are so worth it. Instead of being like, grow up, like you're an adult, you're fine. Instead, they're like reversing that. And in the really hard times, instead of, you know, pushing you away and kind of like refusing to give you love, that's when they're giving the most love. And I thought that that was really interesting because even like as a mom right now and having kiddos, when they're throwing a fit, I mean, in the past, like, I, I've always thought about like, okay, you know, stop throwing your fit and then I'll love on you. Whereas when you're throwing a fit, that's when you are like struggling the most. And that's probably when you need to hear all of those loving things the most.

I love that. And I think that really just goes back to the symptoms and the why, like, why is this happening right now and what do you need? Oh, yeah. I think that's so important.

Absolutely. And just being able to, to voice your emotions and be like, this is how I feel right now. This is what's going on. And even moving into that in like the work world, I also, you know, I've been a freelancer for almost 2 years now. And I think that I had to, I had to learn how to like be able to express myself to the clients and the people that I work with by being like, hey, like, I'm really having like an emotional day today. I'm actually not going to do work because I need this time to like mentally take care of myself. And it took me a while. Like, I would just work and work and work, you know, feeling this you know, like this darkness, and then my work wouldn't be good. My pers— like my emotions were kind of leaking out. And so I think that it's important to be able to feel safe enough to express, like, hey, I need a day off, or I need to go to Disneyland and like not be on my phone and not be like working with people. Like, I just need time to like enjoy, you the things that make me happy.

And I think it's so interesting because I think now it's a little more accepted to have these mental health days, but there's still a lot of stigma because when people say, oh, I have the flu, I'm not going to be able to work, or I have a cold, there's no questions asked. It's like, don't come in, don't get people sick, or that's valid. But depending on who you talk to, the mental health day or I need some time for myself is not always as respected. So I think there is some work to do there. And I appreciate that you do that and you communicate that because I think that's so important to model and show people, look, I'm putting my mental health first, just like we put physical health first. And I'm modeling that that's important and that you can do it too and still be successful.

In your career coaching, when you are working with, with people, are you like expressing that that's super important in their life too? Like almost taking their emotional, spiritual, mental health first and then weeding through?

For me, it really depends on the client. What I always like starting with, or almost always, is starting with their life goals and values. What are your life goals? What are your values? And most people can't answer that question right away. But helping them figure out what are your life goals and values and then working backwards from there to figure out, okay, what do you want in the next few years? And then what do your daily activities look like? How are you spending your time? And almost every person realizes how they spend their time every day, every week, every month is not at all related to their life goals. They have these life goals, they have these values, often family, and they're not spending enough time with their family or any time. And they're like, hmm, I have these really important life goals and values, yet I'm not spending time there. So, I like working with people to say, how can we spend more time each day on what really matters to us at the end. I was sharing with my therapist recently because my fiancée's grandma passed away, and I was like, we were at her funeral and there was all these photos at the funeral and none of them were her working. None of them were her working. It was her and her family at get-togethers and her dancing and laughing. And when I'm really stressed about work, or an email or a presentation or writing a resume, I try and remind myself of that because it was truly enlightening. There's not going to be a picture of Kyle at his funeral at his desk writing a resume. That's just not going to happen. It's going to be pictures of me at family get-togethers or me and my fiancée at Disneyland. That's what's going to be at my funeral. And at the end of the day, that's what matters because those are my life goals and values. To spend as much time as possible with my family. And that's what matters. So I like working with clients to really identify those life goals and values and then ensuring as much of their time as possible spent working towards those.

I have loved— I love that. I have never like thought about it that way, but that's so true is that you celebrate your life in, in like the fun, meaningful experiences that you have. And that's It's just so close to my heart to think about that my favorite times are when I'm laughing with my family and taking trips and not at my desk. And so that's a really great way to look at it.

And it's more of it, but I think it's also hilarious to just think like, no one's going to care about Kyle Tsing's death writing a resume at his funeral. That's not going to matter. Even a day from now, this resume that I'm stressing about, or this coaching call that I was so worried that I had to move and the rest of the client would be upset. That's not going to matter even tomorrow. Um, but me missing a special event with my fiancée or skipping dinner, I don't do that anymore. Like that's what matters at the end of the day is this family and spending time with friends and going on that trip that years from now I'm going to remember. That's what really matters. And that's what, with my coaching with clients, even if they just come for the job search, I really like asking like, Why do you want this new job? It almost always comes back to their family or their friends or their happiness. So I really like digging into that why and helping people work toward it.

Yeah. This reminds me, I had a friend who went down to, um, Central America for a little bit and she was so touched by the culture there. She was like, Chris, it's crazy. People there work like, have— they work so hard. But if there's a special event going on, like, the whole town shuts down. Like, everyone stays up until like 3 and 4 AM, like, celebrating. And they don't think for one second, like, oh gosh, what if I need to keep my store open? Or I really need to send out 5 more emails. Like, they don't care about that. And I was like, yes, I need to like implement that strategy more in my life. Like, really celebrate those people that are surrounded, you know, that I'm surrounded by and really just like, have them as my top priority. So ever since she told me that, I'm like, I have been trying to be more apt to do that, to do those things, instead of worry about, you know, being up by 5 and making sure that I'm like working 9 hours a day, like, even though that's nice sometimes, but sometimes it's also nice to just not.

Yeah, and I just like asking people their life goals and really working on that. It's hard to figure that out. It's not an easy question and they change. But really figuring those out and I have a Post-it in my office with them on my computer and I just look at that and say, okay, at the end of the day, is this helping me move toward those or not? And just reflecting there. I think that's one of the most powerful things you can do in really your life is defining your life goals and values.

Yeah, that's such a—

at the end of the day, that's what matters.

Oh yeah. So I guess the word now is like, you know, an evolution of yourself. And so how do you feel? Do you feel more like a cat where you've literally like died and then brought yourself back to life? Or like an event has happened where you're like, Oh my God, like I'm at the lowest of lows and now I'm like rebirthing. Or do you feel like you've totally accepted every single part of yourself and you just keep evolving?

I would say I think the evolving really rings true for me. I think the word that often comes up when I think about my life is impossible. A lot of things that seem impossible just keep happening because I tend— I used to at least focus on the future a lot. Okay, when? When's the next thing? When am I finally going to stop being anxious? When am I going to stop working a lot? I used to work literally, not exaggerating, 100 hours a week. I just worked nonstop, buried myself in my work. And my very first session with my current therapist, she said, okay, when are, when are you, when is it going to be eventually? Eventually you're going to stop working so much. Eventually you're not going to be so stressed. Eventually you're going to make time for a relationship. When is eventually? And I was like, wow, that's, that's a good question. So for me, it's like, let me now just focus on the present and be here. And I've spent all this time getting here. Now let me just enjoy it and be here. And I've evolved so much leading up to here that I can finally just focus on now. And instead of the eventually and waiting and waiting and waiting for the future, because I've just achieved so much that's impossible. That's probably going to keep happening. So let me stop worrying about that future and just be here in the present.

Was her asking you that question just like a click in your brain, or did it take time for you to like become present, realize that you were thinking, you know, that same thought eventually, eventually, and you had to like talk yourself out of it?

I think it clicked pretty quick. I think I wanted to respond. I'm usually pretty sharp with my words to where I can just have a comeback pretty quick. And I'm just like, okay, let me go. And I was like, I'm stumped. I think that's the first time I don't usually get stumped when people ask me questions. And I was like, wow, she's good. And I think for the first time in a long time, I just felt present. I, right then I was like, eventually it's now, like, I'm just going. And I think she just stopped me in my tracks and made me be present. I think that's why so many people, similar to therapy, invest in coaching is because they want those insights and they want someone to challenge their thinking. And it's scary to go in and say, okay, I'm going to have my thinking challenged. But I think it's so fun and exciting for clients to come to me and just say, okay, this is how I've done it. Here's how I plan to keep doing it. And then come in and just flip it on its head, then get unstuck and achieve things. Going back to the word impossible, achieve things. That seem impossible. So it's fun.

Have you ever heard of David Goggins?

No, I haven't. I'm writing that down now.

Yes, you should check into him. So my husband, um, got his audiobook and we listened to it. And at first I was like, kind of— I was like, oh gosh, like, no, I'm not really— I don't really feel like listening to this. And I don't even really know what my risk— like, what was holding me back. I think I was just like being honoree or something, and I was just like super resistant to it. Then we started listening, and I was immediately just captured in his story and in like his life journey. But he talks about callusing your mind. And he says that a lot of like, leaning into everything that's uncomfortable. So looking at your life and saying, okay, like, what are the things that make me uncomfortable? So like, for me, it's running, like I hate running. I've been telling myself that for years, you know, like, you hate running, Kris, you're not gonna do it, it's not worth it. And so I'm like, you know what, like, it's time for me to callous my mind. Like, I'm gonna just start being the most uncomfortable that I can be. So like waking up early in the morning, which is also something that I don't love, waking up early, going on that run, coming back and just keep doing it every time, even when I hate it. I'll like sit up It'll take me 20 minutes to get out the door because the whole time I'm like, nope, I don't want to do this. Don't want to do this. And then I just make myself do it because it's something that is going to challenge me. And I, I had never really thought about it in that sense of being like, you just do things that are going to make you stronger and make you just like resilient. And I love his aspect on life. Obviously it's not for everybody. And there's so many different ways. And so many different things to implement in your life. But I liked that, that strategy, and that he called it, you know, callusing your mind. You pick things up that you know are going to be a challenge, or like you said, going to a therapist and having them challenge you and having to really look at who you are and like dive deep into that emotional state of the things that you've been burying for so long that you can now like, just be strong. And that in the times that you're weak, you can look back at the times that you pushed through and be like, I made it through that, I'm gonna make it through this.

Yes, I love that. I've never heard that phrase. I'm looking him up on now on Instagram, and I think this is just so powerful— callusing your mind. I love that idea and really just going for it and saying, I know this is going to be challenging, let me go for it anyways.

I loved being able to chat with Kyle. I could have done it all day. Obviously, I wish it could have been over coffee or at Disneyland. Maybe one day that will happen. I'm so glad that he took a little time to chat with me and with you so that you could hear what he is all about. I have shared all of his info in the show notes, so for I'm sure you are gonna want to go and follow him and subscribe to his newsletter. He is just somebody that you always want to see and hear.