Connection & Play Therapy

Welcome to The Red Door.

Rebranded, transfigured, same mantra. Here to give you a voice, sharing real stories, raw, unfiltered, no bullshit. I'm your host, Kristjana Hillberg. Good morning. I am coming to you live from my couch with a 38-week baby bump in front of me, possibly chip crumbs all over the place, and a coffee and a water sitting next to me. And you know what, I sometimes feel that it's difficult to describe or to introduce you to the people that I have had on my podcast because we're all just so unique and different. And I hate like giving this like quote unquote little intro because I want you to just listen to the human and then just kind of like not really have any, this is what she does and this is how old she is and this is where she lives. And you know what I mean? Like, I'm just like, no, And I'm just gonna go with that today. I am gonna tell you really quickly that I have always believed that what's supposed to happen happens. And I also kind of wrestle with that because I'm like, you know what, some people go through really fucking shitty things. And, and so really, like, was that really supposed to happen? I don't know. I don't know if, you know, you were supposed to have years and years and years of trauma. And it's not fair. It's just like, fair is not even— you just can't even say that. And so it's hard for me, I think, sometimes to like say that and say it with like a, you know, like my hands at my heart center, like everything is meant to happen. However, I really do think that the universe just brings you— like, it just kind of morphs us, right? It morphs us into the people we're supposed to be. Um, it changes us, it molds us. Like, in one second, you could— an experience you have could change you forever. And, um, I don't know why I'm talking about this. This is why. So I said that because I came across Amanda. And as soon as I saw, like, just this little, just this little, like, write-up that she did, I was like, yep, I feel like I'm meant to connect with her. And like, just so randomly that she popped, popped up, you guys. I mean, I was like 32 weeks pregnant, like not really looking to like get into to helping, 'cause you know, I'm a freelancer, so I wasn't really looking to like take on necessarily like another client right away. I mean, like, what do you necessarily say? You know, like, "Hi, hire me. I'm about ready to have a baby in 2 days, but guess what? I'll get all your work done for you." But I met her and I am so glad. And not just because I get to work with her on a daily basis, but because really like, just meeting another human being who truly has like a pure, loving, kind soul is— it's just really awesome. It's so— it's such a cool thing to connect with people, and it just reminds me, this is why I started the podcast, right? This is— it was a place for others to come on, share their true, authentic real and raw, no matter what type of story. So you can talk about whatever you want to talk about, and there's no judgment here. There's no— there might be like crying. You know what, I've cried like 87 times behind, behind the mic. I'm just back here and I like mute the mic and just cry because I'm so touched by everybody's story. And I really think that that's how we relate to each other, is by hearing each other's stories. And especially during this time, this time of a whole world awakening, I have felt, especially in the last, uh, about a month, that it's just time for me to truly just listen. And just listen with a full open heart, ready to learn and ready to just keep learning and realizing that it's okay that I that I'm starting at ground zero and I have so much to learn, but I— it's time to be uncomfortable and to, and to grow out of that. And so here is Amanda, this beautiful soul. Listen to what she has to say. You guys are gonna love it, and I'm sure that we will talk soon.

Hello, hello! How is it going, Amanda?

I am doing great. How are you doing?

Good. I am so glad that we finally get to record something.

I'm so excited.

I know, it's so fun. It's such a fun thing to do. Well, cool. I am so excited, like I just said, to have you on but I would love for you to tell everybody listening just a little bit about who you are, what you do, and kind of what led you into this incredible life that you now lead.

Okay. I was about to say, I'm going to have to try and keep that as short as possible or else we'd be here a very long time. Um, my name is Amanda Evans and I have a business called Mind Body Soul Miracles. Quite a mouthful, but there's a reason for every word. And what I do now is I support families, and I support families in their healing through love, connection, and play. And I do that in a few different ways, but one of them is play therapy. And I love everything about it. And I really believe that as humans, we all deserve to feel safe, loved, accepted, and connected. And so much starts when we're a kid. And we could all use that safe space to navigate the vulnerability of being a child, of being a human, and of having a safe space to really have someone to talk to, have someone to navigate our feelings and learn how to express them. And share them and get our needs met. And also to just have somebody who sees us in our wholeness. And, and normally with play therapy is I work with children who have some sort of label or exceptionality. So what that is often referred to as a child with special needs. And really is, I think, the best way to heal for anyone is to see somebody rather than a problem to be fixed, but a person to be loved.. And I think we all deserve that. And so I work with kids through play therapy, and I also am a coach for parents. And that coaching is actually called Love and Acceptance Coaching, because what I've learned in my life and throughout my own healing journey is that no matter what the problem is in life or whatever the challenge is, love and acceptance is always the way through. And having a safe space and a person who believes in you and believes wholeheartedly in what's possible for you is like the biggest gift. And I think we all deserve that support. And so kind of how I got into doing this work is because I was on the other side of things. I was that person with a label, with a challenge that felt impossible and insurmountable and felt like I was the problem that needed to be fixed. And when I was 20 years old, I had a car accident. And I sustained what is called a mild traumatic brain injury. So anybody who knows that label knows that that is also talked as a concussion. But there really is nothing mild about it. And kind of through that journey, I had gone to see every single professional specialist, alternative medicine practitioner, like any, any name with a path at the end, osteopath, naturopath, All the things basically. And as I was going through that healing journey, it just kind of seemed like I wasn't ever getting any better. And I was actually getting worse. I was developing more symptoms. I was developing more like labels. Like it was like it started with a brain injury, but then it was like I had autoimmune stuff and I was just getting all of the illnesses and it was just chronic daily symptoms of chronic pain, headaches, migraines, chronic chronic fatigue syndrome, and so many cognitive challenges. So I was really like that person, just like a child who has a label, who has special needs, who looks the same, looks the same as they used to look, yet nothing on the inside felt that way. And it's really hard when you look like everything is okay and people see you that way, but you're unable to voice your needs and what's really going on for you and get that support. And I kind of— it was a very synchronistic journey of like the moment that things turned around for me and how I got to where I am today. But like I said, that would be a very long time we'd be here because it's like a 5-year-plus journey of healing through that. And some of the biggest tipping points where everything turned around for me were when I had a support system, when I met practitioners who helped me believe that healing was possible, but who really saw me as a person. They didn't see me as my label. They helped me believe that healing was possible, even when I didn't believe it myself, when I had completely lost hope and didn't even see the point in why I was seeing specialists anymore. That was like when I needed a miracle. And really, it was shift after shift, that, and person after person that I kept going to, that kind of led me through my journey. And I learned about neuroplasticity. And that's the brain's ability to heal itself. And our bodies are amazing. And it was so much a journey about learning to love myself and actually learning about how the heart is so powerful that the electromagnetic frequency of the heart has the power to heal the brain and the body, which, like, if we're just putting it in regular words, that really means that love actually has the power to heal. And that in itself is incredible and still blows my mind. And it's why I think that love, connection, and play is what heals us all, because when we are able to do the thing that we love so much that it's like time goes away That's when healing actually happens because we're no longer looking at what we need to fix or what we don't have or what we want. But we're just so in love with the present moment that our body actually taps into what's called the parasympathetic nervous system and it can actually heal itself. So that is my very long-winded answer about me and what I do.

No way. That was not long at all. And the whole time I'm just like smiling ear to ear, nodding, just like, yes, I, I really love— I love your story. And I think that it can relate to a lot. I feel like a lot of people can relate to it, whether, like you said, whether they have a child that has been labeled or whether they have been that child. I mean, even at times, like, I don't necessarily think that I was given a label. However, with that being said, I feel like people label us all the time, like, oh, she is blank or she is this. And I actually was listening to like a little, um, Alan Watts podcast once. Love his voice. Oh my gosh, I could listen to him like all day. And he was saying, I want you to just think back to like when you were a child and what people told you you were. Like, you are responsible, you are very organized, you are very, you know, whatever it is. And he's like, I want you to think about, like, are you really those things? Do you want to be those things?

I love that.

And I was just like, my mind was blown because I'm like, oh, I guess I've always just been told that I'm responsible. Am I? Like, sometimes, sometimes not at all. And so it was interesting to kind of like decide, and I've kind of been on this journey the last couple of years of deciding what labels I want and what labels I don't. And Like sometimes I just am a complete rebel and I'm just like, I am abandoning all labels. Like no one gets to tell me what I am. So I'm like, there you go. There's like all the things all the time, all the feelings. But I want you to kind of talk about why you think it's important that we now as adults, parent or not parent, why do you think we should feel into our feelings? And I think that this goes perfectly with everything that's been happening in the world right now because we are all feeling huge feelings. Like, why is it important and why should we learn how to work through them? And I don't know, just expand on all of that.

Yeah, I feel like I have so much to say there. And I'm just also like loving what you just shared because I feel like so much of it comes to that moment we were told something of how we're supposed to be. And I say supposed to in big quotation marks. Yes. And it comes to like how we were raised, right? So there's a lot of flips being switched right now, which is great. Great in terms of how we view our feelings and what's acceptable and what's not. And oftentimes we grew up and were told to be a certain way. And it's not like someone— like in some cases, someone might have been like, you are a girl, you're supposed to be kind and nice. Someone might have said those words and someone might not have said those words, but you picked up that idea. And something I think that we need to remember, that is, especially as children, we are sensitive beings and we are so perceptive to what other people think, what other people are feeling. And that's why our feelings are so important. So we get this message as a child of which feelings are safe to feel, which ones are acceptable and which ones are not. And oftentimes, and I say this in the past because I'm like, we are leaving this time behind, um, children are given the message that girls, it's not a good thing to feel anger. Anger is bad. Sadness is okay sometimes, but don't be too emotional, um, and that you're supposed to be happy. And on the flip side, some boys are grown up with the message that they're not allowed to cry, they're not allowed to feel, and that anger is safer than sadness. And that breaks my heart. Like, it just does. Because what happens is when we don't feel safe to feel our feelings, we stuff them down, or we act out in ways that are like emoting all over the place. So that's like if you literally are angry and then you feel the need to act violently because you're so angry, rather than finding healthy ways to process the feelings and speak up and say what's— what wants to be said. Or on the other side, you might feel like in order to feel safe and to be loved and accepted, you have to be nice to everybody. Also is not healthy and it's not getting your needs met. So really though, is the way I see feelings. Okay, so I use puppets a lot in play therapy. I often describe this when it comes to our feelings. All our feelings want is to be heard. They want to be acknowledged that it's safe for them to be here, that it's safe for them to be listened to, that it's safe for them to be shared. So just like when two people are having a fight or a disagreement, both people want to be heard. And when we give the space for both people to be heard, it's not saying that one's right and one's wrong, but we just listen to them. That's how we're able to move forward. Then the problem doesn't really exist anymore because it's been heard, it's been listened to, and we can find a solution.

Okay, okay, one more time, just a little louder for those in the back. Listening ears on.

All our feelings want is to be heard. They want to be acknowledged that it's safe for them to be here, that it's safe for them to be listened to, that it's safe for them to be shared. So just like when two people are having a fight or a disagreement, Both people want to be heard. And when we give the space for both people to be heard, it's not saying that one's right and one's wrong, but we just listen to them. That's how we're able to move forward. Then the problem doesn't really exist anymore because it's been heard, it's been listened to, and we can find a solution. I see feelings as the same way. If we can feel safe to feel any feeling when it's arising, it doesn't stay stuck in our body. It actually moves. And feelings are energy that want to move. So example, if I'm a child and I'm feeling really angry right now and I feel like throwing a temper tantrum and I let myself, and I have a parent who also feels safe with their anger, so they let themselves feel it too. My parent might actually give me the message that my anger is okay, that my anger has a message for me. So say that my parents, let's say my mom or dad, hold space for me as I'm having this temper tantrum, hold space for my anger and lets me know, I hear that you are really angry right now. I'm here with you as you're feeling it. I'm not judging you. I'm loving you. Your anger is safe here. Your anger is okay here. What message do you think the child gets? It's really, right? Like, it's like, it's like, okay, I can feel my anger right now. I can scream about why I'm frustrated, or I can go and crumple up a piece of paper, or I can draw a picture that's all of my feelings. And then suddenly my parent is like, okay, it's okay for you to feel angry. And then I'm like, oh, my whole body relaxes because I'm not angry anymore, because I actually let myself feel it.

You guys, how cool is this concept? You are providing a safe space for your children to feel all of the emotions, all of them. Anger, rage, happiness, frustration, annoyance, all of the things. And you can let them know as their parent, as a fellow human being, that it is totally normal and acceptable and you're right there with them.

Our society has been like, "Oh, don't cry," or, "Oh, you're fine." And I heard that, um, I can't remember, it was a few months ago, that was like, "Don't tell your kids that they're fine because you really don't know and we all experience things so differently." And so even now sometimes like because we're potty training Stone, and he will say that he has to go potty like 20 times in a row, and he'll sit on the toilet and not go. And I like find myself wanting to be like, you don't have to go. But I'm like, wait, I can't tell him. Like, maybe he really does feel that urge to go, and then he sits down and is like, actually I don't, which is totally fine. But it's just, it's like, it just applies to itty-bitty tiny things where we think about, um, like the long term, the like, what are we trying to teach our kids now that they'll know later on? Maybe consent, you know, and trust. Like, yes, like trust that he can say, I have to go, and I'll be like, absolutely, I believe you, let's go. Because then he knows that he can tell me, you know, how he feels and I'll listen. And obviously that's not always going to be about potty training, but like thinking about them growing up and getting older, we're teaching them so many lessons instead of just pushing it off and telling them how they feel and telling them to stop. Because I think that I felt that way as a child, and not even just from my parents, but from any, I think, authority figure, an adult that was just like wanting to not, you know, quote unquote, deal with me.

And it's like everything is a message, right? So Somebody, whether it's an authority telling you that you should do something or not do something or when to do it or when not to, is giving you the message that you can't make up your choice by yourself and that you shouldn't trust yourself. So like you holding that space and being like, Stone, let me know whenever you have to go. And I trust that you know when you need to go. He's like, oh, I get to trust myself. And even if I don't need to go, that's okay too.

But I tried and I listened and that's what I listened to.

And then I went.

Right, totally, absolutely. And so yes, I love that. I love trusting and teaching kids how to like really listen to, listen to their gut. I mean, Lily and I were talking about this. We kind of started incorporating that feeling a couple years ago, and I would say, what is your gut feeling? And, you know, she was like, what does that mean? Like, what is your gut? Yeah. And I'm like, you'll just have this feeling. And I was trying to explain it to her, like, kind of how I remember being a child and, and feeling like, oh, this is something that, first of all, I know makes me personally feel like, uh, I don't want anybody to know I'm doing this, you know, like cutting my own hair or whatever. And so I'm like, those feelings, that's like your gut, like when you either feel like, oh, I don't really want people to know about this, or I am so excited about this that I I want to tell everyone and it's going to make others happy. And so that was like the best, you know, the best thing that I could come up with at the time. But she was like, oh, okay. So then, you know, we've kind of talked about that over the last couple of years just in different scenarios, like, oh, how was your gut feeling? You know, or because I want her to be able to because I mean, honestly, what might be good for me might not be good for her and vice versa. So I really want her to listen. To what her heart and gut and her whole body is telling her instead of looking to me for, for like outward, um, what is that called?

What's that word?

Like validation.

I was about to say, that's the biggest gift you can give as a parent because your job isn't to teach them, they're also teaching you.

Oh my gosh, yeah, daily. I'm like, I used to— it's so funny at least in my experience, before you become a parent, you have, you know, you kind of like daydream about it and what it's going to be like and how you are going to be. And I think I shared with you that meme that I saw where it was like, you know, Rex from Toy Story that's like super happy and like joyful, like the very top, and then the bottom is like T-Rex from Jurassic Park, like eating everybody. And I'm like, I really feel like that sometimes where I like wake up and I'm like, I am going to have the best day. I'm going to be the kindest mom I could ever be. And then an hour later, I'm like, what has happened to this morning? But then that really, it's kind of like just tuning back into myself, letting myself feel those feelings. And I honestly think right now with COVID with the riots and all of the things, I mean, this racism battle that we continue to fight, like, and me feeling not educated and feeling just like so much sadness and all of these things that I I'm like, whoa, I, I really need to take this advice and let those feelings like come through and show my kids that it's okay to feel sad and that I'm not just gonna push it down and like—

Yeah, for sure. And that's it, right? It's like we also learn what's modeled, and, and I think parents feel sometimes like they have to have it all together and like they have to model that they're strong. Absolutely. And that's— it's kind of backwards because strength is also vulnerability. Strength is also sharing that it's okay to not know sometimes. It's okay to make mistakes. And what do we all want in a teacher or a mentor, a model? Somebody who's made mistakes who can then— we can learn from them. We can talk about the humanness and, and feel like, okay, it's okay that I just messed up, but messing up shows that I'm trying and that I actually care here and that I want to learn. And, and modeling how you— okay, so I think this is the best thing and what I love about parenting and this idea of making, making mistakes like a good thing is that when you can model the screwing up part, but then also model how you move through that, I'll be learning the most important tools they can ever learn in life, that there is always a way through. And they didn't just see everything going well, but they saw how to actually be resilient, how to actually learn how to navigate through a conflict rather than just wanting everything to be happy and fine and great all the time. They're like, I feel empowered empowered because I can feel all of my feelings. I feel empowered because I can, I can recognize when things are not okay and sit with myself and be with me and be like, how do I feel about this? What questions do I need to ask? What needs are not being met? And what do— oh my goodness. And what do I need to to support myself through this. And when we look to somebody else to do it for us, we miss that opportunity to learn and to try.

Oh yeah, I love that. I totally love that idea. And I remember, um, we were at the mall several months ago and we came out and this truck was like parked into the side of my car. Like, I literally couldn't move And I was like, oh, okay, I guess, you know, this is what we're going to deal with right now, which is fine. But at first I was thinking, oh my gosh, this is like so embarrassing. I just wanted to have like a nice day out, you know, with Lil, and we were going to go shopping. And then now this is happening. And then I was like, you know what? But this is like life. And at some point that's going to happen to her where she's going to have to like come out and there's going to be a situation that's going to detour you an hour or two and you're going to have to handle police officers and all these things. And, you know, I was just like, this is just a part of life and it's okay that these things happen. Like, but at first, yeah, I almost like resorted back to like, oh, like, why is this happening? Almost like being a child again. Like, gosh, I just wanted it to be like this beautiful, happy day. And I'm like, it still can be. It's just that for an hour we just have to wait for, for a second and it's no biggie. But like, I don't know, it's just so powerful to think that our childhood shapes our belief system. But like what you were talking about earlier in your story is it's not a big beautiful word. Yes, I'm like, am I even saying it right? Um, that you can heal yourself, like you can transform and create this new belief system. And I think that as parents, which is the next thing I really want to talk about or talk to, is as parents As parents, we have— at least to me, I look at it as like this responsibility to teach my children the things that I didn't learn and had to start learning in my mid-20s that I really, really hope that they learn from a young age so that when they're in their 20s, they're like handling different issues and not, not like worrying about, you know, something that happened when they were 6. Even though I feel like that might be inevitable anyway, like that probably will be happening.

I just want to honor you and say that your children are learning that because you're willing to learn right now. They're already learning that because you're modeling that and you're modeling the learning process. And like I've always joked, like I'm like, at the end of the day, we're doing our best and we're gonna screw up. Okay, and they're learning too from that. You were just speaking to, I was reminded of this story that someone told me. And I feel like it's very relevant to what we're talking about. And it was so— it's interesting, because I very much so mix neuroplasticity and that, like, our thoughts become our reality, that kind of view, and our feelings, with also the model of feel your freaking feelings and make friends with them. Because I think both sides are important. And I learned that the hard way. I'm gonna put it out there, because then I was like, oh, I need to be happy. I need to focus on this or else I'm going to create a reality I don't want, which is so wrong because I think the initial thing was as a child, I didn't learn how to feel my feelings. And if I felt empowered with my feelings and felt not afraid of them and that they could be felt, then they'd move through me. And this, I feel like, is the message of like parents modeling that that's safe to do. Because I was—

I was—

it was back when I was taking a course. I'm also trained in— oh, no. In Radiant Child Yoga. That's what it's called. And a lot of the training was actually about like conscious parenting. And the instructor gave this example about you're a parent and your daughter is in the backseat in her car seat. And I don't know, either someone hits you or like something happens, though, and you're in this car and something scary happens. You like almost hit something and then you're scared and your child looks to you. To see how to respond. And the instructor gave the example that the parent is like, honey, you know, it's okay, everything's good, we're okay now. I'm like, like, it's all good, we don't need to be scared. And I'm like, oh yeah, that makes sense, that's how parents do it, right? They hold it together and they tell the child that it's fine now so that the child doesn't have to be scared. But that actually totally isn't the best model to do it because And this is the beautiful part. This was a big eye-opening experience for me because the child isn't actually learning to trust their feelings because in that moment the child felt scared. But the mom is saying, you get to be happy, don't be scared because we're fine now. Rather than the parent saying, actually, that was scary. I was scared and it's over now and I feel okay now. I'm safe and you're safe. But it was okay that we were scared.

Right? Yes.

Oh my God, because your nervous system knows, and children are so intuitive that they pick up on how their parents feel. So if their parent labels it or says, 'I'm feeling happy,' when they're actually feeling scared, intuitively the child knows that they're feeling scared. So then they're not really sure what scared or happy is, right?

Oh my gosh, yeah, absolutely.

So it's like right now, right? Like, it doesn't help to be that parent who has it all together, who's saying everything's fine, everything's fine, you don't need to feel this. It's, it's like an empowered and like really supportive parent is a parent who isn't afraid to be like, right now I'm really angry about what's happening in the world, or right now I'm really sad and I'm gonna sit here and cry and give myself what I need. What do you need right now?

Oh yeah, for sure. I think that, um, it's taken me a couple years, but I think we're all still learning. Oh my gosh, it I, I know, I'm like, it took me— okay, how old am I? Yeah, I'm still learning it too.

Like, even when people— how are you? Sometimes it's like, how do I answer this?

Well, they're like— I feel like there's this other side though. So if people are like, hi, how are you? I mean, your typical, or you're supposed to be, answer is like, I'm great, how are you? Right? That's what you're I'm supposed to say, but lately I've been just saying, uh, like, I'm tired and I just don't want to, because that's like how I'm feeling. Like, I just don't want to do anything. Like, not even really have, you know, this conversation that you're trying to have with me, but I'm glad you're here, like, on another level, you know. But I'm like, totally. So I also But I'm also trying to not, because I think about like, okay, Kris, don't project like your negativity like out there. So I have like this inner battle that's thinking, you aren't happy, so you don't really, I guess, need to like pretend to be. But also, what if somebody walks in and they're having a really great day and they ask you how you are and you just basically shit on their day? Like, what's that about? You know what I mean?

So I think this is a beautiful question, and it's not one that I have a straightforward answer to because I feel like I'm also learning and living that every day. But I would say that we're all actually responsible for our energy. And all we all want in life is to feel heard. And there's something about speaking your truth. And if you show up and you're like, right now I'm feeling sad, or I'm not actually sure how to feel right now, and somebody else happens to be feeling the same way, it gives them permission to know they're not alone. And it's like the feelings— you feel heard. Now the energy is moved through and now you actually have the space to feel a different feeling and say, because I've been on, on both ends, just like we all have. If you're in a really good mood and you're around someone who's having a hard time, it's just really— this is the conscious part. It's being mindful and asking yourself, because sometimes as parents, as people, when somebody isn't, isn't, isn't happy, We want to fix it. And it isn't anybody's job. Feelings are not meant to be fixed. Feelings are meant to be loved and accepted. So if we're in a really great mood, the answer isn't to lower ourselves to make that person feel better. We get to own our happy too, just as we get to own our sad. And if we show up and we're like, you know what, I'm doing really great, how are you doing? And they're like, actually, I'm having a really hard day. This happened and I'm feeling really angry about it. The most loving response you can do is just listen and be like, wow, I can understand that you feel that way right now. What do you need right now? And it's not your job to fix it. I feel like all we need to do is ask questions and just, just be the love that we desire, right? But yeah, I love that.

And don't look at it as not as like needs to be fixed.

Yeah, like I asked someone the other day, and this is always the question I go to, and this is really like as parents, this the best way you can support yourself, which also supports your child. When a big feeling comes up, I want you to ask yourself, when you were a child, how did you want someone to respond to you when you were experiencing big sadness or big anger or even just big happiness? What did you want?

Yeah, I'm like, I wanted them to listen, but I guess being excited, I mean, you kind of, you like want them—

yeah, I so hear that too.

But, and you know what, you're like, I'm so excited, you should, right?

And sometimes aren't in that place to be able to do that, and that's okay because it actually isn't about you, it's about how they're feeling. Which can be hard because as children, we don't always get that. Like, I know I was that person who— some— I was super excited, but no one could meet me there. I was sad after. I was like, "Dad, I'm so excited. Why aren't you excited with me?" And it's like, right, it's not other people's job to get there with us however we desire it. But I think, like you said, is it just comes down to listening. And oftentimes when I ask people that question, they're like, "I just wanted my mom or dad to hold me and be with me." Normally what I say is, as a parent, when your own feelings are coming up, how can you hold yourself? How can you be held? How can you be with or breathe with the feelings coming up without trying to push them away, without trying to fix them, without trying to skip straight to how you want to feel, but just honoring them and also asking for what you need in the moment and checking in? What, what could I use right now that I'm not getting? Because sometimes that's the message of feelings, right? Like, I see anger is telling you that something's not okay or a boundary has been crossed. It's actually a message. But if we don't listen, it just stays anger. If we get the message in there, we get to do something about it and ask for a need to be met.

No, I love that. That's totally true. Yes. And learning how to communicate, maybe giving, helping to give your child words. Because I think sometimes, especially like little ones who haven't developed a full vocabulary quite yet, maybe yelling and screaming could mean "hold me," you know, but you're just not quite sure because they can't say that. Or punching you in the face could mean the same thing, but they just don't know how to describe it to you.

You're so right.

No, I love it. Okay, so a couple things that I really want to make sure that we talk about. So let's go to parents and directing it strictly to parents and kind of because at least speaking as a parent myself, I know that sometimes it's hard to put yourself first even though we live in an era of quote unquote self-love, blah, blah, blah, taking the time for yourself. Right? I love it. And, and like, I mean, not self-love. I'm like, quote unquote, self-love. I didn't mean that. Love self-love. I mean, taking the time like for yourself. And you know what I mean? Okay. Okay. Perfect. So how can you as a parent understand that your feelings are just as important as your kids? Or how can you get to that like true understanding? Because I mean, we're told that, but how do we truly—

Honestly, I think the belief comes through the actions. And I say this is like, okay, so we can say it's like walking the talk, right? We can say that our feelings and that we matter just as much as everybody else. But if we're not actually taking the actions that reinforce that that is true, then our bodies and our beings are never going to get that message. So I speak to that as a parent because is, as a parent, it's actually— it can be hard to put your needs first above your children, um, because you desire to support your children and to put their needs first. And I know everyone talks about like the airplane mask and put your mask on first, then you can help other people. And I know that that pisses parents off, um, because it's not as straightforward as that, right? It's not like you're like, I'm just gonna go take an hour and a half to put my airplane mask on and then life is going to be great. Because what do you do with your children during that time? And so the practice of it isn't just like, quote unquote, self-love, right? It's starting small, starting with what you can do right now, and then building on that. So maybe your body and your being getting the message that you matter just as much as everybody else could just be starting with 5 minutes of meditation in the morning, or a 20-minute dance party. Or that 10 minutes you take to write out all the things that are making you angry right now. It doesn't have to be a bubble bath with crystals around it.

You know what I mean?

It's like, it's just be really compassionate with yourself right now and ask yourself what you can do because there's a lot of things you can't do right now. And that's just the truth, right? Like, this is not a normal situation. Families are at home all together all day long. That, that just— it's, it's just not ideal for people who desire connection, desire to have their moments where their children aren't with them. Because I think that it's like, that's what love is too, is getting your needs met. So I would say that the best thing you can do as a parent right now is check in with what you're not getting that you need right now. Because that's the place to start. If you don't know what you need or what you want, you can't actually get that met. And so literally, whether it's 5 minutes and you just take out a blank piece of paper and you write down exactly what you'd like more of or what you're needing right now, that's the first step. I would say the second step is taking one small right action towards that. So maybe there's an example here, like, because, because I do this with myself, but like, what is a need that isn't exactly being met for you right now that, that you really desire? And how could we help you move towards it?

Yeah. Okay, that's simple. Something simple like sleep.

Yeah. So I guess I would say like, because I do like the 30-minute sessions with parents. And this is what we dive through really what's coming up right now, what support you're looking for, and what steps you can take to get it met. So what's coming up with sleep right now? What's hard about it?

Like that you aren't— what if somebody's just like not getting it? So then because of—

so my question would first be why aren't you getting it, right? Is it because their kids are staying up really late and it's taking a long time to put them to sleep and the bedtime process is just exhausting. And then by the time they get their alone time that they want to do all the things that they need to do that they didn't get a chance to do during the day, that they're like, oh my goodness, look what time it is. And now I'm not going to get much sleep before doing it all over again tomorrow. That, that could be their day. I would say, does that sound about right?

Yes, let's say that.

Then we would break it down. What is the next best step you can take about that? Do you need to start doing the bedtime routine earlier than usual? Do you need to negotiate the bedtime routine? Is it maybe that you originally committed to one story time that's now turned into 5 and a song?

Yeah, bedtime now starts at 4:30. Like, the goal of being—

like, I know I was listening to your talk and it's really talking about during this time of managing your expectations, of just really like breaking down what is important right now and letting go of the things that can slide right now because your sleep is important. It is a priority. But what are the things that are going to help you there? So some examples would be that break down what the issues are right now that are why you're not getting sleep. See if there's anything you can do with that. So maybe adjusting the bedtime routine, or maybe as a parent, you seem to be the one who's doing all of it and like your partner isn't. So seeing like, hmm, can we step up that way and do more equal and make sure we're both like getting our alone time, getting what we need? Or maybe it's just being really clear with your boundaries with your kids and being firm but loving, of being like, we're going to read that one story, we're going to sing that one song, and then I'm going to go. And I trust that you will go to sleep. Sleep. Or maybe it's a new family routine, like a bedtime meditation together. Or, right, so it's stuff you can do together. I'm big for meditations, especially with kids. I think they respond really well to that. And also, starting a meditation routine as a parent is also something that just might help you get what you need. But I also think that bedtime routine is key because our nervous system can get activated when we're under a great deal of stress, and I imagine that parents are under a lot more stress right now being at home and wearing all of the hats. So, being able to end off the day with something that actually brings you more joy will help your nervous system, which will help your children fall asleep faster, which will help you fall asleep faster. So this is where our big neuroplasticity word comes in. And every time I talk about this and breaking it down into words that don't sound like science-y big words that really don't compute, I actually bring up the movie The Sound of Music. And you know how much I love this movie. And I kind of feel like I'm Maria from The Sound of Music, just singing with the children. But there's a scene in the movie, if you haven't seen it, I'm going to explain it because this is exactly what your bedtime routine could look like, which will help everyone sleep better.

In the movie.

It's the scene where they have a really big storm and one of the boys comes into her room because he's scared of the storm. But he doesn't also want to admit that he's scared. That's the really cute part too. And she explains what she does when she's scared. And so she's A) modeling, like we're talking about as a parent, really just model. She's explaining and owning her fear and she's giving a way to move through it. So she tells them about the song she sings about her favorite things. And if you've seen it, you know that the song is like, when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things. And then I don't feel bad. And that is basically what neuroplasticity is. It's recognizing and naming your fear or your feeling. And then choosing to move into another feeling. Like, it's like tuning into the radio of what song you want to sing. So when we're about to go to bed is the best time of the day to talk about all the things you're thankful or grateful for, to talk about what the best parts of your day were, and even the space to be like, what was challenging today that we could do differently next time? It's like your daily diary to really release all the energy, and that's moving through the feelings while ending your day off on a really high note. Because talking about the things that you love, that you're thankful for, brings you into that elevated state, which turns on what we call our parasympathetic nervous system, which is actually linked to rest and digest. So it's going to help you fall asleep. And it's going to help you have a deep sleep. It's going to help you actually have a better quality of sleep. And so children are going to go to bed feeling really calm and safe and loved. And then your time after they go to bed is going to be that much more, like, efficient for you getting your needs met. And you're also going to go to bed on that same note too. And that might look like a meditation before you go to bed, or writing down 3 things you're grateful for. Like, make it small, make it, make it manageable. I think, think that's the biggest thing. Or it could even look like you having a dance party before you go to bed.

You know what I mean?

Or your favorite song before you go to bed. Like, literally, that's some of mine. Because I think it's— make it as easy as possible, whatever thing you are implementing, because we don't want to make it confusing. We just want to make it something that brings you joy. So a lot of my healing actually had to do with listening to songs that evoke really positive memories in my life. And it's still a big practice for me. Like, literally, I put a song on and have a kitchen dance party every morning. And I did it before this podcast because that's just what I love. But it changes your body's state. So, if you spent your day stressed but then you turn on this happy song that reminds you of when you were a little kid and you used to play and dance around free and happy, you're going to go back to that feeling and your body's going to get the message that you're not stressed anymore but you're actually safe and joyful and like living in that state. State of love.

And I love this. I want to share this really quick story about Lily the other day. So we were, we were listening to the radio per usual because we love music and dancing and singing, and a Billy Joel song came on, and Lily was like, this is Nana's favorite, Nana's favorite, um, you know, artist, right? And I was like, yes, totally. And she's like, yeah, and you bought her tickets one time to go see him. And I'm like, yeah, girl, you like, you remember the story. And she said, so do you know like all of his songs? And I was like, you know, I really only have a memory of my mom putting on Billy Joel, like onto her, this big black CD player, you know, the ones that held like 4 CDs. And she would always put Billy Joel on and turn it up as loud as it would go. Go, and that's how we would clean the house. And so I told her that story and she was like, "Mom, now that's you." And I was like, "Oh my gosh, it is." And I love that because we totally like adopted that, and not even like on purpose, but just because it was a time that was so happy. And like, I remember my mom being so happy and I was happy because she was happy. And like, we were just dancing and singing and Oh my gosh, it's just like thinking of her saying that to me, I was just like beaming because I'm like, I hope that like dancing and singing around the house like makes you just as happy.

I love that story so much. And it's like that whole cycle, all the generations too, right? And it's those memories. I love that. Literally, like every time I see my mom and I, we have a dance party and sing every time.

I love that. And to think that it truly is like, it heals you to like— I mean, even my mom at the same— I mean, we'll like, if we hear like a Shania Twain song, it gets cranked all the way up. Yeah, and we're just dancing and having the best time, and it does take you back to like such happy times. So I love that, that little idea of doing that before bedtime because, I mean, you're like falling asleep thinking about it, right?

And it's also a great thing to do when there is a challenging time, right? It's like, we're gonna press pause right now. I'm feeling really sad and I just want to dance or listen to a song. That can also help you move through feelings. So it's a great thing to do before bed, and it's also something great to do when you're like not sure what to do. That's like one of my phrases. I'm like, when you don't know what to do that's when you like lean on the play and the fun. The way will come once you do that. The answers will come.

Yes. I love that. That's just like your mantra. It's— that's so, so great. I wish that that was always like my go-to.

Literally just what you feel great, right? What do I need right now? And that's it.

Okay. No, totally. And asking, yeah, like giving yourself permission. And I know you said that before too, is like, who's asking you, like, if you need to throw a tantrum? Or like, who's asking you if you've eaten lunch? Or have you gone to the bathroom? Like all these things that you ask your kids all day long.

Yeah, and that's it, right? It's like, I believe that every parent also deserves to have their own support system because we all need somebody who cares about us just as much as we care about the people in our lives.

Absolutely. So I know that we've talked directly to parents. Okay, let's talk to those who are not parents yet, people who are— that is their dream to become a parent, because I know that you support those people too. And so I want to kind of hear a little bit about um, how you support them or how you can kind of work towards that dream and just kind of like manifestation.

I've been thinking about this the past few days. I think you actually become a parent the moment you decide you want to be. And, and that, right? Because it's like, it's a journey, and it's a journey of coming home to yourself. It's a journey of like discovery and learning and growth, because kids are your biggest teachers, and they are going to mirror exactly what you need to see and love within you. And I think that a lot of people, especially right now, are on this very conscious parenting journey that they actually might not be a parent yet. But they're embarking on this journey to be the parent that they want to be, that their soul desires to be. And I say this as being someone who doesn't physically have children, like on the 3D level right now. However, what I've learned, there's this awesome course that's also called Soul Parent Spiritual Child. Is that we have a connection with, like, the spirit of our children before they actually are born. And, like, that might sound super woo-woo to people, but if you've met me, I am woo-woo. So, but it's this idea that, like, you're a parent before you actually are a parent, and you have this, like, soul plan of how you desire to be a parent. When is the best time for that to happen? And how do you want that to happen? And what that's taught me was that like, I desire to be a parent in a time where I had learned how to feel my feelings so that I could also hold space for my kids. And that generationally, the children— like we talked about New Earth children— but the children being born now want to come into families that aren't carrying all this karma, all this trauma that has been passed on through the generations. And personally, that's been my experience. It's like a lot of the past year and a bit has been me healing like past past traumas or generational stuff or patterns that aren't serving me, that my children don't want to come in and take and carry on. Like, it's like the line stops with me. And I don't know if a lot of people are aware of this who have this huge heart desire to be a parent. And, and it's hard because you want it now. And this is why I love supporting people who are in this, like, part of their journey is because is I want to support them to follow their heart's desire. And we do that through visualizations because, like I said, the heart and our feelings are so powerful in manifesting what we want. And there's a timing to things, right? So your child knows exactly when they want to come in, and they want to come in free of those things that they don't want to carry. So a lot of the work that I do, and this is in the love and acceptance coaching, is is helping people to make friends with their feelings, to really like flip the switch on the trauma stories and the stories— I say that in quotation marks— that, that they think are them, so that they can be free of them. They can be free to be themselves and like truly who they are, not who the world thinks they should be, who, who people have told them they are, but who they are. So they are so clear in themselves and empowered that they then become a parent at that moment when their children get to be who they are rather than who their parents need them to be in order for them to feel good.

Yes, I love that. That's so beautiful and so true. And I think what you desire as a parent too. I think I've said that. I I have these little like trigger words. I've probably told you about it before, but, um, like when someone asks or calls Lily like a mini me, I'm like, I, I like it, but I also am like, but she is totally like who she is. Like, I, I don't want her to— I was just talking about this too, like I obviously want her to, like, just like that story I was sharing, I want her to take things from me, like the joy of dancing around the kitchen singing to Billy Joel, you know, like that stuff. But, and I want— but really, I'm like, I don't even know the words for this, but I want her to be like so uniquely who she is. Yes, she's a part of me, and like I carried her inside, and there's like this love that's just un— undeniable that will always be there. But I don't ever look at her as like a mini me.

So beautiful.

I'm just like, she is just so who she is, and I, I want that. Like, I have that desire for her to always know that she's, she's who she is, and not for people to be like, oh, you're Kristjana's daughter. Like, I don't know, that's like— I'm really on that.

That's exactly what I was speaking to, because actually the best way you can parent is by modeling you feeling free to be yourself. Because you being who you are shows Lily that she gets to be who she is.

Yeah, I guess I, I love that. And so for, yeah, for people who do, who need your support— parent, not yet a parent, um, maybe they think that their child child, you know, has these labels or they, they themselves feel like, how can I, I don't know, navigate our life and our family and my beautiful spirited child?

Child?

How would they go about like getting a hold of you?

And so, so, yeah. So sorry, what's the question?

Spirited. I also just got like I know, I know what you were saying, but I'm like, how could anybody basically like start to work with you or find like more about you and more about your programs? Like everybody—

so we can send them a few places, but I would say check out my website first because there's a lot more information about what play therapy is about the coaching, but really about my journey and how that might resonate with you. And that is www.mindbodysoulmiracles.com. You can also like follow on Instagram, which is the same handle. It's @mind_body_soul_miracles. And there's a lot more on there which like speaks to the conscious parenting. But the best thing you can do is go to the website and book your 30-minute I like to call it a connection session, but it's also a discovery session. So that 30 minutes is you basically saying to yourself that my feelings matter and I deserve to be supported. That is when you sign up, that is exactly you giving yourself a message that you matter and that you don't need to do it alone. And so what that 30-minute session is all about is it's having your space held. So as a parent, you might, you might feel like and I believe in people following their intuition. So if you listen to this and you're like, yeah, I could really use that support, and I feel like intuitively guided to book that session, just follow your intuition and do it. But I would say that's where we can explore whether it is the right fit to work together. So whether you are just feeling— maybe you're feeling helpless as a parent, you're not sure how to get your needs met, or you're not sure how to support your child. Maybe they do have a label like autism or ADHD or a brain injury or depression or anxiety, Maybe there's a lot of big feelings coming up, or maybe your child is super spiritual and sensitive and intuitive and you don't know how to support them. If this, like, this sounds like your child, book in that session, that 30-minute session, because I will get to hear more about you, about your child, your children, your whole family, what challenges are coming up right now, but most importantly, how you desire to be supported. And based on that, we can figure out whether working together is the right fit and whether that might be play therapy or whether that's love and acceptance coaching for you as a parent because you are the one who deserves to be supported right now. So that's really when you book in that session, that 30 minutes is like gold for us discovering the best way forward. And also what I like to remind people is that like the way I do play therapy is is the Conscious Parenting Model. So it's not just the child being supported, but it's the child being supported through like— it's 1-hour weekly sessions during this package. And the parents actually have ongoing support through this whole package so that every week after each session, I send a key themes, takeaways, and the tools to integrate the learning into the home. Home so the parents know how they can best support their child, and the child has ongoing access to me so that they can ask questions, they can celebrate the wins and the shifts happening, and know that they are not alone in their parenting journey. Because I truly believe that like two parents— and like a lot of families don't have two parents, but the ones that are like lucky enough to have at least two partners supporting their children, it really isn't enough. Everyone deserves more support. So having me basically join your family in that package for those 8 weeks is like you kind of having a third parent gets to be in the vulnerable journey with you and navigate it together.

Yes. And let me tell you, you want Amanda to join your family. This is a very magical person, which I so love. And I love that we're joining your family. I think that's so great. And I really do love that you to support the whole family and see it as an entire unit. And with that also being said, depending on when people are listening to this episode, we still might be living the #quarantine life. And so are you doing like play therapy and sessions via Zoom right now?

Or how are you kind of conducting those? And at first I wasn't sure if it would work, but then I was reminded at how it really doesn't matter the format because the energy of the program is still the same. And like some of my sessions with play therapy, like I worked with some children and I've only ever done it virtually and it was just powerful as it would have been in person. Whereas I am acknowledging that that's not for every child. There is no one-size-fits-all. So for some kids, virtual play therapy is going to be the greatest thing for them right now because they really desire a connection with someone outside of their parents right now. You know what, that's pretty normal. And yes, like, for some, it might not be the best format. And that might be a family where I would actually suggest that the parent being supportive is going to be the most supportive for the family as a whole. Because I do believe that when one person in the family, like, shows up for their healing and their journey and gets support, it actually has a positive ripple effect for the whole family.

Amazing. Okay, that all sounds so wonderful. And then of course I will post website links, all the things in the show notes so people have that, uh, the links for themselves. And then yes, I'm so glad that we finally got to chat and talk more about all the things that you bring to the world. And I truly— yeah, I'm like, I've told you this before, but I truly believe Everyone needs us.

Thank you for having me. And I also just want to say, like, to you and to everyone right now, like, I admire you and respect you and just am amazed by you at how you're handling these changes and shifts. But it isn't easy, and you're doing your best, and you deserve to be supported. And I hope that whether we work together or not, that support comes for you. And that you find a way and you find a way to get your needs and desires met too. So thank you for being a beautiful example of what a conscious parent looks like and feels like. I really appreciate having you in my life.

How awesome is Amanda? She has so much content to share, amazing content for everybody, literally your kids, you, your mom, your sister, your dad, everyone. All right, you guys, if you want to learn more about Amanda or just kind of relish in all of her amazing things that she does and provides, you can follow her on Instagram. Her handle is @mindbodysoulmiracles. She said that in the episode. I will also link it in the show notes, as well as her beautiful and magical and very pink website, which I love. Just go check it out, read some blog posts, share it with somebody who you think could use this, which is everyone. So you probably should be sharing it like 300 times, right? Just kidding, but not really. All right, I love you guys. So glad that you tuned in today. I hope you have a beautiful week, and I will talk to you soon.