Failed IVF led to Adoption

Welcome to my podcast, The Girl with the Red Door. I'm Kristjana Hillberg, your main host. If this is your first time here, welcome! It's about time you joined. If you were here last time, welcome back! I missed ya. Just a reminder, November is National Adoption Month, so the main focus is all about the various aspects of adoption. If there are any questions that you would like answered in an episode, send me an email. Well folks, enough bullshitting.

Here we go.

Today's episode is a little different from the rest. My guest wanted to remain anonymous, so her close friend volunteered to share her stories. All names were changed, but the experiences are very real.

All right, thank you so much for coming on and telling us Eleanor's story.

Oh, I'm excited.

Yeah, me too. Can you give us a little bit of background on Eleanor? I know that she just has such a diverse background with fostering and, um, step-parenting and also adoption.

Yeah, sure. Um, I've known Eleanor for probably 40 years. She's a very dear friend of mine and When I first met her, she was married to a man that she's still married to, but she had married him and he had children from a previous marriage. And so she had 3 teenagers that she was trying to raise that weren't hers. And they had tried all sorts of things to have children of her own as well. They had done IVF, which at that time was not looked upon as a good thing to do by certain circles of people. And so she didn't talk about it much and didn't share that with very many people, but I know that she basically tried everything to have a child of her own. They actually fostered children and had children in their home that weren't theirs, and she loved them and took them on and, and gave them everything that they needed that she could possibly give them. She always, always wanted to have children, and so it broke her heart that she could not have any children of her own. So finally, Eleanor decided that when the teenagers were gone out of her house, she wanted to adopt a Biggie. So they went through the channels for adoption. One of the things that was very disheartening to Eleanor that I is there was all sorts of advertising on TV saying that there were all these children in, in the state that needed to be adopted. And when she contacted the state, they told her that they were not doing adoptions at that time. And the number was like 20,000 children needed to be adopted, and yet the state wasn't adopting them out at that time. And that was very frustrating to her. So she went to a private group and she found a baby and it cost her a lot of money, which that was never what it was about. It was just being able to be a mother. And she went to the La Leche League because she had heard that when you adopt a newborn, that even though you haven't had the baby yourself, that you would be able to nurse the baby. And so she, she went about learning how to do that. She took hormone injections and things so that she could do that. They had a little contraption back then that was very interesting. It would go around her neck and, and down to her breasts, and it attached right to her nipples so that when baby came, there was these little tubes that would run into the fake nipple that was attached to her wrist. The baby was ultimately sucking on the, the, the plastic nipple, but that it was also stimulating her own breast. And eventually she was able to nurse. And she tried very hard to do that because she felt like it would be a better environment for the baby. She felt like that would help him to bond with her and her with him so that they could feel more like, you know, she was his natural mother. And I remember being amazed because I was quite a bit younger than she was, and I was thinking, why? Why would you go through that much effort? You know, just give the baby a bottle. But as a mother later and me nursing my own children, I understood, oh, okay, it's about connection. And so I was really I really have always thought that that was special that she did that.

I know.

Then later on—

I really think that is literally one of the coolest things that I have heard. I didn't even realize that that could be an option. And so when I heard that, I was like, what? That is just— that's such an incredible thing that you can do.

Oh yeah. And I think we've come a long way in like the 35, 40 years since then. I think that there's probably other ways that are simpler to nurse, and I have heard of other mothers who didn't birth the children to go ahead and nurse. But I just, I remember she was kind of like a pioneer to me. You know, she was doing whatever she could to make the best environment for that baby. And so that baby would always feel, you know, like he belonged in the home. And then when he was probably 2, 2 and a half, she had the opportunity of adopting another baby. And this baby was not in the same situation that the first baby was. This baby, a neighbor knew about and had seen that this baby was part of a circumstance that she really needed to get out of. So this baby was 15 months old and she had a major failure to thrive situation going on. I don't— than 15 pounds at that time. She wasn't walking. She had a couple of birth defects that needed to have some surgery, but the, the parents who had this baby were just not in a circumstance to help her. I believe the mother was in prison at the time for drugs. The father had a new girlfriend living in at the time, and the new girlfriend didn't want anything to do with this little baby, we'll call her Misty, didn't want anything to do with Misty. And so, and Misty actually was a twin, and the other twin was thriving and doing fine, but Misty was not. And so this neighbor took Eleanor to this home, and they found Misty on plastic trash bags on the floor in a closet, I believe. Eleanor picked her up and they took her, they took her at that time. They left, the father was happy to sign over paperwork right then. They went ahead and they did it legally and they got a lawyer involved and signed over the paperwork, but he just wanted her gone, which is such a sad, sad story. Eleanor loved this little girl and did everything for her. They got the surgeries that she needed for her. And she started to thrive, and she did everything that a normal parent would do for any of their children. And she had all the dance lessons and all the ballet lessons and all the, you know, piano or, or sports or whatever this little girl wanted to do. And, um, as she became a teenager, and, and Eleanor realized that there were certain things that she was not able to, uh, do for Misty because Misty had had experiences before she ever came to live with Eleanor that had affected her emotional state, that had caused too much pain already. Misty was into drugs at a very early teenage, you know, situation. She would run away from home. Eleanor and her husband relocated to another community far away from where they were living in hopes that they could leave the drug experience behind and help Misty start again. Meanwhile, the little boy that Eleanor and her husband had adopted, we'll call him Sammy. Sammy's with the family, he's fine, he's grown, he's graduated from high school. Eleanor recently told me that she always felt a little more connected to Sammy than to Misty, and I think it was because Misty was having a hard time connecting with Eleanor. I mean, I think that she had already been so abused by the time Eleanor was able to get to her that it really affected how she felt about herself, which was very sad.

Uh, had Eleanor had any experience with the other kids when it came to drug usage, or even in her family? Had she seen you know, drug addiction? Did she even understand it? Was she able to cope or was that extremely hard for her?

You know, Eleanor had never— and we were talking about this just the other day actually— she had never been around anyone that had abused drugs. She didn't have any familiarity with it. She didn't have any friends or brothers or anything that had abused drugs and And she did have some friends who had drank, and she had drank herself from time to time, but she was never an alcoholic. She didn't have any alcoholic friends. So it's really hard to understand an addiction like this until you've lived it. And I think that Misty was addicted when she was born, and I think that because of her circumstances, she craves something like that. And as soon as she found it and had the ability to find it, she was almost immediately addicted. It's such a sad story. Misty's such a beautiful girl, such a beautiful woman, and yet she cannot stay clean to save her life, and it's just a sad thing. So then as Misty gets a little older and they've relocated, um, she gets pregnant. And she's expecting a baby and Misty ended up giving birth at 24 weeks to a pound and a half little baby boy and we'll call him Justin and Justin—

Did she give birth because she was still using drugs or was her body just not equipped to hold and grow a baby?

To be honest with you, I think that Misty was probably using drugs on and off through the pregnancy. I'm fairly sure I had seen some drug abuse in my life. Eleanor was not familiar with it at all. I would try and share with Eleanor that I was afraid Misty was using, and And Eleanor always wanted to look at Misty with the best eyes, and so she had a hard time believing that this was happening. Uh, I believe that Misty had that baby several reasons. First off, Misty's very ADHD, very unfocused, and, and she had a hard time carrying the baby. She wanted the baby out. She kept thinking that if he would just be out, he would be fine, and we kept trying to explain to her she had to wait until he was full term. And so as it was, there were, I think, several extenuating circumstances that I'm not going to elaborate on, but she did have the baby at 24 weeks and he was a pound and a half. And Eleanor was at the hospital with Misty and then with little baby Justin. For months. Uh, the baby finally was able to be moved to a smaller hospital closer to where Eleanor and her family lived, and he was there for another month or so, and then he was finally able to come home. He was about 7.

Did Eleanor— did Eleanor ever talk to you about adoption with Justin? Was that ever even discussed? As far as where Misty was? Obviously she wasn't in the state to care for this brand new baby. Was there ever talk about adopting, or how did that really come about? And tell me a little bit about that.

At this point, I think that Eleanor still— in fact, I know that Eleanor still had high hopes for Misty. She kept thinking that if she would help Misty take care of this baby that pretty soon Misty would understand Justin's needs and that her love for him as a mother would make her want to fix her life. Meanwhile, Eleanor was taking care of Justin continually and footing the bill and footing all of the responsibility. I and my family spent a lot of time with baby Justin. We loved him. He became part of our family and we toted him everywhere we went and he was such a special little guy. Anyway, I don't think that Eleanor ever thought that she would give Justin up for adoption. I think that her focus was helping Misty grow and love that baby. But it got to a point Ellen was ill with her own issues. She had leukemia. It's a slow-acting leukemia, but she had leukemia. She also had fibromyalgia and was dealing with some of her own physical ailments. And by the time Justin got to be about 2 and a half years old, um, Eleanor could see the writing on the wall and knew that she would not be able to continue, continue giving the care to Justin that he needed. She had a dear family friend whose daughter had adopted several children because she was not really able to have children of her own, and they had shown interest in possibly adopting Justin.

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And when she came home, he wasn't with her. And I remember me and my children were so shocked that, uh, Justin didn't want to be with her. And, but he found a happy family in that family, and he has been able to grow with them and to thrive with them. It was an open adoption, and being a good friend of Eleanor's— and Eleanor's friend's daughter, that is— he has grown to be about 14 years old now and is a thriving, normal teenage boy. Well, as normal as any teenage boy can be.

Was Eleanor— did she have custody of Justin? So Misty had given her rights up, um, at that time.

Eleanor sat down with Misty and told her the benefits of having this happen, and I think Misty saw that it was the best and the right thing to happen for Justin so that he could be in a family and live more of a normal life. And so, um, Eleanor worked with Misty to go ahead and sign over custody so that the adoption could happen.

Okay, all right. So Misty is the one who— she was still having custody, they were just living with Eleanor at the time. So yes, Eleanor was basically taking care of him.

Well, and most of the time Misty wasn't even there. I mean, she was off with boyfriend and then a husband, and all in this time, you know, would occasionally have Justin, but most of that care was on Eleanor.

So when Eleanor describes— when she looks back, because now Misty is in her mid-30s and still struggling with addiction, and I Eleanor has taken in her, her other child. So how— when Eleanor looks back, how does she— what are some of the emotions that she's felt over the years? I'm sure there has to be a lot of different types of feelings that she's— that have come across and come up.

I think more than anything, Eleanor feels Oh, I don't even— I don't even know how to put it into words. I think exasperated, depressed, very, very sad, disappointed. I think that she looks at herself and thinks, why wasn't I a mother enough to teach my daughter to love her children? And I don't think it has anything to do with that. I think that Eleanor is a wonderful parent. I think that Misty had things that happened in her life, and with the drug abuse, doesn't have the capability of being a mother. Let's talk about Misty just for a minute. So Misty's had 4 children now, 2 of them adopted out at very early ages, Justin being you know, the first that we talked about. And then she had a little another baby that was adopted out, and then she had two little boys that she kept. And we were so excited because Misty seemed to have found a great guy. She got married to this guy. It looked like everything was going to be perfect and wonderful. That, that man actually adopted her little boy that she had at the time. I think he was about 2 and a half when they got married, and we're gonna call him Brad. And little Brad was just as sweet as he could be, and the new husband of Misty loved him, his family loved him, And right away after about a year into the marriage, he talked with Eleanor and Misty and everyone involved, and they talked that he loved this little guy so much he wanted to adopt him and make him his. And so after about a year, year and a half of marriage, he was able to adopt Misty's little guy Bradley and make him his own. And then they had another baby about 2 years in, 2 and a half years into the marriage. And so now they're a little happy family. They— she's been clean for, I don't know, probably 2 years, but she falls back into the same habits. She was hiding and lying about things and having an affair with man, and she basically lost that marriage due to her drug addiction. And she tried for a while to hold on to the kids and to, to do what was right for them, but ultimately then ended up abandoning them and going with the man that she was having an affair with. And Um, she ended up marrying that man and taking her boys with her for a while, and then they ended up getting divorced as well. And then she totally abandoned them in a different state and came back to the state where Eleanor lives and left the two boys in the other state with her husband that adopted Bradley. So now Bradley and his family are taking care of both of the boys. He is the adoptive parent of Bradley, and Misty is back in the state living close to Eleanor and is just a mess. So now we have generations of adoption just going on here. We have Eleanor who adopted Misty, And then Misty, who has lost basically all of her children to adoption or abandonment. And then we have a husband who now has adopted one of Misty's little guys, and he was old enough by the time Misty left this last time. He's 9 now, and so he was probably 7, 6 and a half, 7 when Missy was starting to have all the problems again and ultimately deciding to—

I think on a small side note here, we can obviously see that genetics plays a huge role in your makeup, you know, and how you— you know, and things that you never even— you don't have control over, and addiction is so real. And I think a lot of people, especially people who haven't lived it and seen it and been a part of it, I just don't think that we can even comprehend what that must be like. So to, you know, to listen to Misty's story and to see or to hear from even just as a small child the struggles that she had and to now where she still struggles. There must be something inside of her, you know, that loves these kids and who tried so hard, but yet addiction just— addiction won.

Oh, I think so. I think not only genetics, but I also think that you're dealing with the addiction of what she was born with, her circumstance. They say there's a report out that says that children have their self-esteem and their self-awareness all intact and know who they are and know their self-worth by the time they're 2 years old. Well, if Eleanor picked up Misty when she was 15 months old and she had been abused and not taken care of and was, you know, having failure to thrive, what's Misty's opinion of herself at that point?

Right.

No, exactly. And I, even as being a mother myself, I know that, you know, and I've talked to other mothers who sometimes feel mom guilt, you know, of even just being like, can I really leave my kids behind? I feel bad, or I need, I need time to myself, but you feel bad. And so I, I can't imagine what Eleanor was feeling with, with opening your heart to— opening your heart and your home to adoption. And be so— um, there just must have been so many emotions going through her head and how she probably did blame herself. And that, that makes me feel so sad because I think we've all been there, whether it was with an adoptive child or with our own. Children. And even though Misty is her own, you know—

oh yeah, I mean, Eleanor loves and has loved Sammy and Misty like she gave birth to them. And I have seen her do everything in her power to give them everything they needed. And I see her continuing, you know, right now she has Bradley living with her because She wanted to give Misty another opportunity to be a mother. Bradley's adoptive father living in another state and his family love him, didn't want to let him go, but her and her husband, Eleanor and her husband, talked to that family and said, please let him come and spend some time with us so that he can be close to his mother and possibly because they could see he was feeling really anxious about losing his mother and his mother abandoning him, and so they're trying to help now. And so here she is still, still almost in her 70s and trying to facilitate Misty to be a mother to this little guy. And it's just, it's very sad, and because she's doing everything in her power to be a good mother. And I think that sometimes, sometimes as mothers we beat ourselves up when things don't go the way that we want them to go, and that's with our, our own biological children. I can't imagine how she feels, you know, knowing that she's done everything in her power to do whatever she could for this girl and nothing's, nothing's panned out. It's just very sad for me to see, and I know that she feels very— I don't even know what the word is— depressed. She couldn't do this story for herself because of the overwhelming sadness that this causes her, but she wanted others to know There's great things in adoption, and there's lots of stress and lots of things that you just don't even consider going into adoption as well. And every single adoption is different, just like every single child is different. You know, in your own family, you can have 3 children and raise them identical, and you could have one of them that just struggles. So there's just no guarantees with, with babies, whether they're your own or adoption. And you just need to be aware that when you're taking on a drug adoption of any kind, that there will probably be residual effects for years to come.

Right, or at least that there's a chance for sure.

Oh yeah.

Well, it sounds like Eleanor is, I mean, such a strong woman with such a huge heart to have— I mean, she's a step-parent. They fostered, she adopted, she now has taken care of her grandchildren. And it's a beautiful— as, as hard and as emotional as it is, I think at the end of the day she has loved and, and given all that she can. And I think that that in itself is just very a beautiful story.

If you are listening from the Midwest and are currently thinking about, in the middle of, have questions concerning adoption, I want you to call Jeff B. at Bangs McCullen Law Firm in Sioux Falls. He has years of experience in all areas of adoption, both domestic and international. He is also an adoptive parent. Jeff will be able to help with anything you need.

He rocks.

I've put the link for the law firm in the notes as well as the office number. Only 2 more episodes about adoption this month remaining. I am so thankful for my guests who come on and are willing to share their experiences in hopes that it will reach just one person who's going through the same thing and let them know that they are not alone. Thank you again for listening. See you next week.