In this episode of "The Girl with the Red Door," co‑host Alli introduces the show, wishes Kristjana Hillberg a happy birthday, and sets a trigger warning before diving into Kristjana’s third "life" – the period right after college graduation. Kristjana recounts moving to Phoenix, trying out for a community‑college softball team, landing a job at LA Fitness, and moving into a new apartment. She describes a seemingly innocent "girls’ night" where, as a novice to alcohol, she mixed strong drinks, became heavily intoxicated, and was subsequently sexually assaulted. The narrative details the immediate confusion, physical trauma, and the unsettling response from her roommate who normalized the experience as a consequence of drinking. Kristjana explains how this event sparked a decade‑long pattern of shame, stoicism, and self‑medicating with alcohol, leading her to hide her pain behind a façade of normalcy. She reflects on the darkness of that period, the internal walls she built, and the lingering feelings of shame and longing for love. Kristjana balances this with recollections of positive college experiences: friendships, consensual sexual encounters, and personal growth. She concludes by sharing her belief that pain can teach profound lessons, that healing is a continual journey, and that sharing such stories can foster connection and support for listeners who may have endured similar trauma.
Chapters
You're always taught, you know, don't drink, you just don't drink. So of course your mind doesn't go to, well, what's going to happen, you know, when I do or if I do or anything? Because it's just like, well, I don't drink, so I don't need to worry about anything that's going to happen if I do.
Yeah, I was just like, just follow how you're feeling. This is how you're feeling, even though like it's kind of scary to talk about that stuff and like open up about it just because it makes you feel vulnerable and it's just like scary and uncomfortable. But also that's where you see change and growth and you can possibly help somebody. So.
Hello.
Hey.
Hi.
Happy Monday. Hope you all had a fabulous weekend, but more importantly, I hope our girl Kris had a fabulous weekend. It was her birthday, in case you guys didn't know. So let's extend it a little bit and send her some extra love today.
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me. You guys, I love my birthday. And by the way, it was a phenomenal weekend. Thanks for asking.
When Chris had asked me a while back if I would be interested in co-hosting, I was super excited. Love talking about life, learning all about people's beliefs and hear about their experiences and just things that they have gone through and how it's made them feel and, and the reason why people are the way they are. Um, and if you're listening, then you probably feel the same way. So please give The Girl with the Red Door a follow and tell all of your friends. Everybody's story is a little bit different and everyone gets inspired by different things. So we hope that we'll have some good and entertaining things for you. And if you have a few seconds to spare, let us know what you think by leaving a review. It could be short and sweet, or you can share all of your feelings, whatever you feel is best. Speaking of feeling what's best, I am a firm believer that if you strongly feel inspired to say say something or do something, that you definitely need to go with that feeling, even if you aren't sure why you're feeling that, or if you're nervous about what the outcome of it will be. So with that said, we're going to jump ahead to Kris's third life today, and we'll come back later to her second life. Uh, you've heard her mention before about getting real and raw, and today it's going to get very real and very raw. Um, before we start, I do want to let you guys know that there are things that we talk about that contain graphics sexual depictions, and if you feel uncomfortable at any time, we definitely would not be offended if you do not continue to listen to this episode. Um, Kris talks about some very serious and unsettling events in her life in hopes that if there is anyone going through or has been through something similar, to let them know that they're not alone and that there is always a way to find help. So if there is anything you need, whether it's a shoulder to cry on or an ear for your voice to be heard, I hope that you all know that Kris and I are always here for you. And you can reach out to us at any time.
Let's just skip right over Life 2 for now and let's just go into Life 3, which started right after graduation. I feel like maybe I should experiment just a little bit and see, you know, like, what is so bad about this other side, you know, that I've been told to never look into or try. And so, uh, I graduated and had the car packed up, and the next morning I just headed down to Phoenix. And I remember telling my mom because I was just gonna walk on and try out for the softball team at Gilbert Community.
Is that what it's called?
Uh, I'm pretty sure.
Yeah. Okay.
Anyway, I just know like Mesa Community. I think it is Gilbert Community.
Oh, Chandler Gilbert. Yeah, Chandler Gilbert.
That's right.
I'm like, it's something. Okay, so I had a softball tryout at Chandler Gilbert, and then I also had, a job interview, like in the same day within like 2 hours apart. And so I told my mom, I was just like, if I make the team and I get the job, then I'm just staying down in Phoenix and I'm gonna work all summer and just get ready for everything. Went and tried out. The coach was like, absolutely. Like, we'll take you. Um, let's get you signed up for classes. And I, went to my job interview, got hired, and I was like, boom, like, I am ready. I am so big. I am so amazing. This is great.
You're great at this whole life thing already. Like, nothing's gonna go wrong.
I'm 18. I'm finally an adult. Everything's perfect.
You know everything at this point.
I really thought that I did, which is so sad. So I, yeah, I had my whole car packed up and I just everything was going my way and the job was good. I was registered for school, ready to start softball. Everything was just— it was exciting and new and I had my whole life in front of me. And I just remember being so excited and just so ready to like experience it all. And where were you working? I was working at LA Fitness.
Yeah.
And I lived on Power Road in like a new development.
All right.
I like loved, loved, loved it. And my mom and I had gotten in a fight. And so I had called a girl that I had grown up with. She was a few years older than me and she was like, you know what, we're having a girls' night. Just come on over. We'll, we'll make it a girls' night. It'll be super fun. I get there and I was brand new to alcohol. Never tried it before. I had never experimented with it before. I had no clue what alcohol even was. I mean, I, it's not like I'd been around it. I, it was brand new to me.
Yeah.
So I get here and girls' night, there was treats and drinks and she was just like, "All right, like, let's get going." And I was like, "Yeah, I'll mix my own drinks. Like, no big deal." Yikes. And so I remember pouring, like, I remember having like a big tall glass in front of me and pouring like 3/4 alcohol and then the rest Coke. Like, and even now, like, there's no way that I can drink like that. I mean, and to think back then when I had, like, my body had never experimented with any of that. Like, I had no clue what I was doing. So anyway, I was mixing my own drinks and I probably had like, I don't know, 3 or 4 of those. You know, things just started getting extremely fuzzy and all of a sudden it turned into not a girls' night. I just remember, like, still drinking and still drinking, like, still mixing. The last thing I remember was I was, like, falling over. I woke up to, like, water being thrown on me and, like, down on my vagina. This guy was on top of me, and I, like, couldn't open my eyes. I couldn't— see what was going on. And he just kept telling me like, "You'll be okay." Just like the most pain that I had like ever experienced in my life. Just like thinking back, I don't know, like time, I have no idea how long it was. I have no idea like as far as like how long it was, what time it was, but it just seemed like I would—
It's a blur.
Yeah, I would just like fall back asleep and then I would wake up and it would like be happening again. And I would like fall back asleep and it would like be happening again. So finally at one point it just stopped and I was able to sleep. And I remember just like crying, but I couldn't move. Like my arms wouldn't move, my head wouldn't move. Like my body just felt like it was just stiff. And I woke up the next morning, of course, like not really knowing like where I was, what was going on. I couldn't find my phone. And I finally, you know, I got up and I like found my underwear and like there was blood everywhere. Bam. Like you think that you're 18 and an adult and can handle your shit. Like, here's everything thrown at you. And so I find my phone. I was so shaken up. I had, like, taken this pill. It was making me even more sick. My head was, like, pounding. I'm sure I was still, like, I'm sure I still had alcohol poisoning. Oh, and, and your body was probably, like, in shock at that time. Like, yeah, my whole body. I couldn't feel my vagina. Like, it was legit. Like, I couldn't feel it. There was no feeling at all. So I get back to my apartment and I was living with someone at the time and I was really open with her and I just went in and I was like, listen, like, this is what happened. I like don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. And she was like, oh honey. She's like, when you drink, like shit like that just happens. She's like, that's normal. Like if you decide to get drunk, like she was just like, that's just like something that you're just going to have to, like, accept. So obviously now that I'm looking back, it's obviously something that had, like, happened to her and she thought that that was normal. Yeah, absolutely. And so I— I was like, oh, okay. So immediately that was now my new reality is that when I decide to consume alcohol, this is going to happen. And like, it's not a big deal. Yeah, the day was just kind of a blur. I was just not present. I mean, I was just thinking about all of the things and I wanted to talk about it, but then I didn't want to talk about it because that was something that was never talked about growing up. And it was never like— I had never heard about consuming alcohol and then like possibly getting raped. Like that was just not something that that I had ever heard about or talked about. And so in my head, especially because my roommate had just said, "Well, if you drink alcohol, then that stuff's going to happen," I was like, "Well, it's my fault." That just kind of started a ripple effect for me with like my mindset and with the choices that would take place like over the next several years. I was just, I learned how to like block out my feelings. And I just became almost like stoic because I was just like, well, this is basically the life that, you know, I'm going down this path and this is just what's going to happen. And I didn't even like realize what I was doing until way later in life. But just looking back now and, you know, having it be over a decade ago, and I can talk about the experiences and it really, really does more than any other of my 29 years. It really does feel like it was a different life. Like I was just, I was cold and I was scared and I was hurt and I I just kept building up this wall to protect me because I didn't know what else to do. One choice led to all of these things.
Yeah.
And then I really did feel like, well, I worked so hard, you know, to be this girl all growing up. And now, you know, this was taken from me, like something that I I didn't want to be taken away. It was not ever something that was on my mind. It was never something that I like experimented with in high school. It was just, it really was like black and white, like from nothing to everything, right?
And I was just trying to like hide it at all costs.
Like I wasn't trying to face it, I wasn't trying to talk about it, but I was just trying to, it was just like typical drown yourself in, sorrow and like forget about it all through alcohol still. 2 years full of that and just like masking and hiding and trying to hide behind alcohol and getting myself in shitty situations like over and over again. It was just like a really dark time. And I've experienced dark times. I feel like that was a time that was just that was my light, like the light inside was just so dim. I guess embarrassing is not the word. I wasn't embarrassed. I felt shameful, which I've talked about before. I feel like growing up, I just always felt shameful. And now I felt it a thousand, like times a thousand. I just wanted to be loved so bad and I didn't know I was just like searching for it in all the wrong places. And I didn't know why I was so confused. And I put up walls and I just kept on the outside. I looked and acted totally fine. You know, I was same old Kris like always. But on the inside, there had been a complete 180 and I didn't ever talk about it to anybody.
Just to be clear, not only shitty things happened during my third life, that was just the start of it and what kind of just kicked off a new chapter and a new mindset. But this was also a time of exploration, a time of going to college. I met my best friend. I met many good friends that I still keep in contact with. I had some really great experiences. I also had some consensual sex that was really nice. And I got to, you know, explore and, and learn more about myself. And it was also a really great time. So I don't want you to think that I am just talking about the negative. This was just a story that was one of those that I felt inspired needed to be shared. It was It's time. It's been over a decade. And my sweet friend Alli was willing to let me just open up to her and just kind of— and use it as a time for reflection, a time for healing. Before this event, and especially after, I am a firm believer that it is through our pain, our sorrow, our suffering, our hardships that teach us the biggest lessons, that teach us that this life is, is a continual journey, is, is a continual process of learning to heal, of learning to grow, of figuring out who you are. I also believe that it's through sharing stories like this that help us connect and grow and learn how to love each other.
