Foster Care to Adoption

Welcome to my podcast, The Girl with the Red Door. I'm Kristjana Hillberg, your main host. You'll get to hear from people who divulge real and raw experiences on all different topics. I don't like to bullshit, so here we go. Good morning, lovelies. We have reached our last episode for November. This month we've exclusively talked about adoption. Today you will only hear from me. It's sort of a mini-sode. Someone shared their experience with foster care turned adoption of 4 siblings with me and gave me permission to put it on the podcast. I've loved covering the various aspects of adoption and feel like it's gone super fast. I'm sure another opportunity will come up in the future to talk about it again. I've learned from all of my guests that every single family that has an adoption story is uniquely their own. Just like that silly book, What to Expect When You're Expecting, you cannot go off someone else's experience and think yours will be the same, because let me tell you, man, it won't be. The story I share with you today is straight from an adoptive mother's heart. She wrote me explaining the process that her and her family went through to get their 4 adoptive children. It all began because we wanted our son to have a brother. My husband and I asked each of our 4 kids to pray and fast about the decision to adopt along with us We all felt good about the idea of possibly adopting a little boy, so my husband and I found an agency that would get us started on that road. We used Catholic Social Services and did a 3-month training every Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours in the evenings. We then had to fill out extensive paperwork and have people come interview each of us, conduct a home study of our family dynamic, and get references from 5 people who who were also interviewed. We got fingerprinted and cleared by the state, and finally we were deemed ready. CSS would send us pictures and profiles of children who were in need of a home and call us if they thought we would be a good match. After 3 years of getting our hopes up several times, we were asking ourselves why we did this in the first place and why no one seemed to be a match for our family. Soon after, I received a call from my brother asking if we were still interested in adoption because he knew some kids that were going to need a home due to an awful situation. I went over to the home and instantly fell in love with a little 4-month-old chubby-cheeked boy. He had 2 older siblings that lived in a different town with their grandma. After several phone calls, we met up with the grandma, talked for a while, and played with the kids on the playground. She felt comfortable with us, and we felt the same about her. I began taking the 4-month-old home on the weekends, and not long after that, he permanently stayed with us. A few months later, we received a call that the grandma was sick and to come get the other 2 kids or she was going to turn them over to CPS. She didn't want them to be split up, so she gave us guardianship while the lawyers tried to sever rights of all the paternal parents. Both dads of the kiddos were in prison and the mother was nowhere to be found. After 6 months of searching, we got a call from our lawyer saying that they had contact with their mother. She had called her mom to tell her she wanted to see her kids and that she was going to have another baby soon. Her mom gave her the attorney's number and told her that she didn't have the kids anymore. After much discussion back and forth with the attorney, She relinquished her rights and we agreed to send her pictures of the kids yearly. When she gave birth, that child was also taken away from her. I asked the attorney to be sure to let the right people know that we had the siblings. After 3 months of being in other family care, the baby was taken into custody by CPS and put into foster care. The state called us when they were made aware that we had the siblings. We had our hands full with the other 3, but our family once again prayed and knew that the little boy belonged with us. So, the paperwork once again started and clearances were again needed and interviews again done. 3 months after that, at the end of summer, we met that sweet baby boy and brought him home from the foster home he was in. He came with a car seat, a few sets of clothes, formula, and a bottle. In January, we met with the lawyer, signed all the documents, and went to the courthouse where the kids were adopted as ours. From start to finish, that foster care adoption process took about 5 years to have full custody of those 4 children. This month, I had the privilege of chatting with a birth mom who shared some of her feelings with me. She mentioned that giving her 2 daughters up for adoption was the absolute best decision. She knew that from the bottom of her heart. She knew that they would receive a life she couldn't provide for them, but that didn't take away from the heartache and grief that followed after giving birth. Let's hear a little more about those loving mothers.

Loving Mothers was placed on my heart. It started when my family and I, when we were pursuing adoption, and, um, in the process of pursuing adoption, a friend of mine's son was hospitalized with a rare disease and He fought for his life for a long time. It was in and out of the hospital. And one evening I got a phone call and she asked if I could— or if her sister called and said, "Will you come be with the family because he's passed away?" And of course I got in the car right away. You know, when you get a call like that, you just do what anybody asks you. And got to the hospital, went to his room, and I was just not prepared to see her holding him in his bed. It just broke my heart. My daughter's the same age as he is, and it was easy for me to put myself in those shoes. And it was heartbreaking because she was a mom, just a regular mom like me who'd do anything for her kids. And her pain was really intense. It was more than emotional, it was physical pain. And that day changed my life. Just being there for a moment like that was life-changing. Fast forward a few months, we got a phone call from our adoption professional and she told us about a baby boy who had been born in Pierre and needed to come home that day. And so her and I, after I got my mom to come take care of the girls because my husband was kayaking in Colorado, and so her and I got in the car headed to Pierre and we got to the hospital and the nurses there were just great. They They gave my son and I our own room, and we got to bond and just love each other right away from the start, and it was just wonderful. And then our adoption professional was talking with Kason's birth mom, and that took a couple hours of paperwork, things like that. And then she came in and let me know that his birth mom wanted to meet me, which was a little bit of a surprise because this had all happened so quickly. We didn't know if she would want to meet me, or we thought she might want a closed adoption, which I didn't want. I always wanted an open adoption because I always say, why bless one person when you can bless two people? And so I was excited to meet her, a little nervous, but I was excited to meet her. And I walked into the room and I felt that exact same pain all over again, that same pain of my friend losing her beloved little baby boy. I felt that again. When I met Kason's birth mom that she felt like she had just lost her beloved baby boy. And, um, so it was very hard. But, um, in that moment I knew she loved him as much as I do. And I knew that she was doing this for him out of love. That she wanted to give him a life she couldn't give him. That she wanted more for him than what she could give him and she was willing to break her own heart for it. And her heart was broken. And, um, people think that adoption, when you adopt somebody, that you're the good person. And it is a good thing to adopt, but Kason, my child, he was the blessing. And I got him. We got him. We got to take him home. We got to love him. Our arms were full with him and our hearts were full. And his birth mom went home empty-handed and brokenhearted. And she's the hero because she made the sacrifice and she did it all out of love. And, um, she's, she's special and unique to us, but unfortunately her story isn't unique. There's so many moms like that. And, um, I knew when my heart had learned something and it had changed, I knew I had to do something.

Didn't know what it would be, didn't know what it would look like, but I wanted Birth mothers love their child so much that they choose adoption for them. The world needs to know their stories. Let's break the stereotype.

Hopes for my future are pretty bright right now. I want to go to school. I want to— I don't know. I want to be a beautician. I also want to be a businesswoman.

And I know those are huge goals, but I know I can accomplish them.

I just want to succeed and go farther than I ever dreamed of going.

It's hard to comprehend what someone else feels, their pain, their sorrow, even at what level they feel happiness and joy. Life is hard as it is. Trying to understand and love with an open heart is something we can work on each day. We now have heard that the mother who carries the child and chooses to place them in another home deals with heartache. Did you know that adoptive parents have heartache too? Here's more about that from the original story. Every day is a struggle. Each of the children has a different personality. Each has different needs. Each has been born with lots of hard drugs in their bodies. That causes each one of them to be very unique in how they need to be disciplined and loved. They are all very strong-willed children. My biggest challenge is to forgive and forget. Because of the many struggles and trials that each child has individually, it's very overwhelming at times. I read articles, I read the Bible, and I pray a lot to make myself remember those feelings I had, to bring them into our home and make them ours, and to always trust God. When I do that, I I feel His love for me and for His children He has entrusted to me. I love these children. I love hugs and kisses from them. I love playing with them. I love helping them learn new things. I love reading stories to them. I love just watching them. I love that they have cousins all the same age to play with. Despite all the challenges, I know that as long as I don't give up on them, we will continue to get better as time goes on. So we will continue to be blessed for continuing to try and love, and it will all work out in the end. There are so many things that were miracles in the process that allowed it to happen the way it did, and that makes it difficult to write about. The Lord answers prayers in his timing. I always prayed for more children after our youngest was born, and 13 years later my prayers were answered with these 4 kiddos that God had prepared for our family to receive. I am so thankful for them. And some advice for those looking into foster adoption: Do it! There are so many kids that need good homes where they can feel loved and to be safe. If your heart is big enough, nothing is impossible, especially with God's help. If you are listening from the Midwest and are currently thinking about in the middle of, have questions concerning adoption, I want you to call Jeff B. at Bangs McCullen Law Firm in Sioux Falls. He has years of experience in all areas of adoption, both domestic and international. He is also an adoptive parent. Jeff will be able to help with anything you need. He rocks! I've put the link for the law firm in the notes as well as the office number. I have truly enjoyed diving into the diverse layers of adoption. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope you all gave a hug to those who inspire you, believe in you, and cheer you on every single day. That's the important stuff. Next Monday begins a new series of episodes. It's funny, I never really considered myself a theme girl. However, it seems as I plan for guests and topics, themes keep popping up. It really is pretty rad that no matter what walk of life you come from, your gender, your race, your nationality, your sexual orientation, we can always find a common ground with each other, something that bonds us. Keep connecting with others. This week, talk to someone in the grocery line, Start volunteering at a shelter. I cannot stress the importance of loving one another. I'm getting teary just talking about it, and if you know me, you know I'm a crier. My heart is very easily touched. From an episode on TV to a thoughtful card to an empathetic talk with another human, I was born with the gift of love, and I'm sharing that with you over this podcast. I hope you feel it. Again, thanks for listening. I'm excited for December and the magic that the holidays bring. Have a wonderful week. I will be thinking of you.