Infertility Journey

If you have ever had to wait for something in your life, for example, job, spouse, health, then I really encourage you to keep listening to today's podcast. For my husband and I, we were waiting to have a family. We navigated infertility for over 3 years and recently welcomed our baby girl. Here's the thing about waiting. We all wait for things, but we don't get to choose what things we wait for or how long we have to wait for them. So how do we navigate that journey in our lives, and how do we continue to have hope when we're waiting for something that our heart desires? What do we do? So keep listening if you are curious to learn more about living in the wait and my journey and how I encourage others also going through some sort of weight, please check out my blog, livingintheweight.com, or you can find me on social media at Living in the Weight.

If you're new here, welcome to the party. If you've been here before, welcome back. I've been away for a minute. Thanks for putting me back in your ears. Welcome to The Red Door. Rebranded. Transfigured. Same mantra. Here to give you a voice. Sharing real stories. Raw. Unfiltered.

No bullshit.

I'm your host, Kristjana Hillbergberg. Kristjana Hillberg. I love connecting with people and listening to their life stories, their experiences, the journey that they've been on. And Missy is no exception. She reached out to me and we got to talking and I thought, you know what, this is such an incredible story. I wanna share it on the podcast. I was so glad that she reached out. I think that there's a lot of people who struggle with infertility in some way. This topic hits close to home for several reasons, and I am so excited to be able to share our conversation with you. If you have any questions or need support, please feel free to reach out to Missy. She would love to support you through this time in your life. I have put her website blog into the show notes. Grab a cup of coffee and settle in. Here we go.

Really where kind of our story starts is like most couples, after my husband and I had gotten married, we knew we were interested in having a family. And so we soon after that wanted to expand and found out that, you know, after a year we started questioning kind of, okay, like what's going on? Or what do we need to do to have a family? A lot of our friends had families or were getting pregnant. And so we were wanting to make that next step as well. So once a year kind of came and gone, we went to the doctor's office and they had done some routine tests and said, you know, everything checked out okay. We will refer you to a specialist. And after that, you know, that had been a year, if I get all my dates right here, because it was a long journey. But kind of breaking that down, we went to a specialist and that was really where I think things hit home. That maybe for my husband and I, having a baby, expanding our family, wasn't going to be as easy as we had thought. At that appointment, they actually had diagnosed us with unexplained infertility, which basically means, you know, they ran all their routine tests to check everything, and everything came up normal, which we were extremely thankful for, but also meant that they didn't know why we weren't able to get pregnant. And so I remember at that point, at that appointment, really thinking, and seeing, like, my future just fade away, you know, not knowing what my future looked like and how we would get there. Kind of just this sense of hopelessness and grief for what I thought my life would look like. You know, we all have plans for our lives and things that we want to happen. And in that moment, plans weren't happening. And it was kind of this sense of, well, what do you do now? You know, kind of this feeling of being lost.

Like a blank, a blank slate.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Where you just— and you, you don't know. You don't know because this is a whole new world that you're trying to navigate. And it's just so, so many questions and unknowns that it's just, it's really overwhelming. So you kind of feel paralyzed, I would say, in a way, too. Because you just, it's like, what do you do next? So as we kind of started navigating some of those things at the specialist, you know, we ended up trying some less invasive options to see if that would help us, you know, kind of be more conservative before we made a big jump to doing IVF, which is, you know, the most, is very expensive and kind of that most invasive treatment option to help you get pregnant because it reduces any possible risks that could be causing you to not. And so we, we wanted to take it kind of slow. And as we were kind of going through this process, it was finally 2 and a half years into this that we had learned about another kind of treatment that really deals more with figuring out kind of your cycles and maybe what could be causing you to not get pregnant, kind of the why. And which all of us want to know, right? We want to know why something's not happening.

Yeah.

We always want to know why. And through that, we actually did find out what was one of the factors that was causing us issues, which was a thing called luteal phase defect, which is basically where your progesterone levels drop, which you don't want to happen when you're trying to get pregnant. And thankfully through that, Though we were able to do some injections. That was a fun process and learning opportunity for both my husband and I. I mean, when you're going through some of this, you experience entirely new things with your spouse and you see each other in an entirely new way that when you say I do, you really have no idea what that means.

Yeah.

You know? Mm-hmm. And seeing each other at your highest highs and your lowest lows I mean, that's what happens. And thankfully, as we went through this, kind of doing this fertility care is what it's called, we did that for several, several months. And it was over 3 years that we've been processing this journey, and we eventually did get pregnant. And I actually recently had our little girl. A little— Yes, I know, it's still surreal to say that out loud that I have We have our little girl here. About 2 months ago we had her. And it's just, it's so, like I said, surreal and overwhelming even now, like thinking about what we went through and now seeing how we changed and now seeing her and how we are. I mean, we are, our lives have been forever changed because of that journey. And now obviously since we had her, forever changed as well.

Were you scared when you when you guys first found out that you were pregnant, were you scared? Like wondering, "What if I lose this baby?" Like, did any of those emotions come up or were you just like all in, all ready right away?

It— there was that— we called it kind of a— we guarded our hearts is what I would say once we found out because the, you know, we were so excited when we found out in really disbelief, but then we also knew that that opportunity or the chance for it to not, you know, see that to full term, that hurt, you know, and our hearts had already been broken so many times that we balanced that line of being excited but then also being guarded. And eventually, as we progressed through their pregnancy, we, you know, we were all in then, you know, where we trusted, and that was a lot of it, you know, we trusted For us, faith was what got us through this whole process, and we knew that we had to keep trusting that He got us, He got us pregnant. You know, our faith needed to take us to that end of our pregnancy to see her being born. And so it was another test of faith for us just to keep believing that, you know, she's gonna make it, she's gonna be okay. We trust that we'll be able to meet her in 9 months.

I love that society is becoming more open about struggles that we go through. And there's always somebody on the other side who's facing something similar who can relate. And so I love the story and how, like, I just want to know all the things, like how you kept your faith through that time. Like, was there any doubt whatsoever, like anger or frustration through it? I mean, there had to be a little bit of that.

Oh yeah, and I would say it took me from that initial us quote-unquote trying to the time when we learned about some new treatment options for us, that those 2 and a half years, I mean, I really felt like faith has always been a part of my life, but during that time, I mean, I just, I was mad, I was angry, I kept asking And one of my biggest questions, I think, was just if infertility was from God. If He can change, He knows about our lives and He has plans for us, and He can make miracles happen, why won't He take this away from me? Yeah. And so I really had a lot of that those first 2 and a half years. And then finally, there was that moment where I just started to understand that that instead of me floundering around and just being angry and upset, that God was telling me, "I want you to live in the wait. This period of time that you're going through," because we all have things that we wait for, He was really telling me that, "You don't have to just be getting by during this time. You can continue living your life. Continue trusting Me." And I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew too at that point that I couldn't just continue the way I had been where every month was just this up and down, up and down. That's all I thought about, consumed every part of my life. And there's a balance when you're going through something that it is going to take up a lot of your time, but there is a, like I said, there's a balance that you have to have. While you're going through it because our lives are so much bigger than that. You know, we have, you know, and that's where I think with him guiding me about, you know, starting my blog, Living in the Weight, that he began to show me that, like you had said, there's power in sharing our stories. And that's where for me it was like, okay, well then this whole experience, this journey is bigger than myself. It's an opportunity to share a story and to provide hope and encouragement for someone else going through a situation, and at that same time encourage them with their faith, because I've needed that myself and have gotten that from other people. So here is my opportunity to do that for others as well.

So how would you— if there's somebody who has hit that point, like you said, when you were in the doctor's office and your future just felt hopeless, what advice would you give somebody who has that feeling right now?

I would say, you know, and everyone processes things differently. So number one, I think, you know, allow yourself to process it and allow yourself to just feel everything, you know, be mad, upset, frustrated. You know, for me, a lot of it was journaling. Like, that's where I was able to just write things down in a non-judgmental situation, right, where I didn't have to worry about someone saying, well, you shouldn't be feeling that, or you should be happy you have this. And just allowing yourself to really process how you're feeling and what your fears are, you know, that are around that situation. I would say do that. And then I would say too is if you are comfortable finding a community, I think that's the biggest thing is finding other people that you can share your struggles with. And it's not that they're gonna fix your problem, right? That's not why we go to people.

Right.

We don't go to them to fix it. We just wanna know, we're not alone and just have someone else to say, "I'm here for you." And at the same time, also provide that hope. You know, I hope too that by sharing our story, people see that God does answer prayers. You know, it took a longer timeframe than I wanted, you know, for that to happen. But I hope they see that as, "Oh, wow, like, God does answer prayers," and see that as a testament to who He is and how He can do the same thing in their lives. It might be an entirely different situation or timeframe, but to know that He is capable of doing those things when we trust Him and pray to Him and believe that He can give us that, like, that's what I just hope people, you know, kind of see from our story. But I think that's the biggest thing is just processing those emotions and just being honest with yourself about how you feel and reaching out to others if you're comfortable. To really have that support to help you through those situations, because I could never do it alone. Yes. That's what I feel is that we're meant to support each other. I feel like that's— God made us to interact with people and have relationships.

Yeah, that's great advice. I absolutely love that. And I believe that too, is feeling all of those feelings. For so long in my life, I used to push the feelings aside and just say that I would deal with them later. And so I actually was reading The Untethered Soul this year, and that's one thing that he talks about, and that how you need to feel everything and then you let it go, and that you aren't your emotions. And so yeah, that's been a really big, a big thing in my life this year. So I love that that was like your, your first. I'm like, oh my gosh, yes, absolutely. Yeah, like feel everything even though it's hard. And yeah, I also think sometimes it's hard to give You know, when you have somebody, a close friend or a family member that's going through something, it's hard. At least I find it hard to like give any sort of— like I want to comfort, but instead I feel like my words are just— I don't know, like, how can you— like, what, what helped you when people would just like sit there and listen to you? Or did you want people to chime in? What did you need at that time from others?

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That is a question that gets asked a lot because it's— it can be complicated, right? Where there's a lot of emotions that are involved, and I always thought the biggest thing was just having open communication. And communication is important no matter what type of situation you're going through, right? Whether it's infertility or something else, but having that communication where you're willing to be open and vulnerable with those that are around you. And I think it has to be that, um, back and forth where you let people know what you need, and then that way they can give that in return. Because that can be hard, right? Where most of the time you don't know what to say because you don't want to hurt the person's feelings, but in return, when you're not asking, that hurts that person's feelings as well. Right. So it's kind of like this. It can be very cyclical where someone maybe starts to pull away because they don't know what to ask. And then that person in return is actually needing that support, but their friend just doesn't know what to say. And I think a lot of times all it is is just, I'm thinking of you. You know, I think we can overcomplicate things sometimes and think, well, I don't have the right words to say, you know, I can't fix this. What should I do? So we just don't do anything. And a lot of times it's just, yes, send them a text that says, thinking about you today, or can I take you out for coffee? Or, you know, can I mow your lawn for you? You know, things like that, that just let that person know that you're thinking about them, you know, and know you're not going to be able to solve that problem, but you're supporting them in other ways, you know, where that situation they're going through, you maybe can't do anything, right? Unless you want to pay for their doctor bills or help, you know, you can help people out that way as well. But there's other ways to rally around people and support them that maybe isn't directly correlated to the situation. Like I said, you know, mowing their lawn or giving them a gift card for a date night with their spouse, things like that, that I think can be a big support and let someone know you care while they're going through something, whether it's infertility or even a different situation.

Right. No, I absolutely love those ideas. Just a quick little note, just as like a nice reminder, offering to do something. No, I absolutely love that. You know, I've had multiple friends who have tried for years and years. We've all been, you know, in a big group before and then somebody who doesn't know that they're struggling, it's like, when are you going to get pregnant? Like, we all want you to like start a family. And I like cringe at that. And so I think that I've had to almost become like, I try really hard not to ever ask those questions to like anybody just because you really don't ever know what's going on behind closed doors and like in a marriage or in a relationship. And did that ever happen to you?

And did that almost make you a little bit more sensitive to other people's situations? Yeah, I would say to answer that second part, that our situation definitely has made me more empathetic and aware of the types of things we say to people because, you know, we think it is a natural question that you ask, but then as people talk about more of their difficulties in life, which I think people are open— there's— how do I want to say this? People are beginning to talk about their struggles more, and so I think people are realizing that some of those things we took for granted in life aren't something that everybody experiences. It can be a tough road for them. So I think now there is people, there is a shift in people being more sensitive to the types of questions we ask. But there is, you know, times where people just, hey, it's a common thing, do you have children? And we got asked those questions by, you know, friends and family. And then I think when we finally shared our story more, it took the elephant out of the room almost in a sense for us where people didn't have have to wonder any— and that's not the way, you know, not everybody wants to handle a difficulty that way. That was how we wanted to do it, was let's just share that with people, then they know what we're going through. And then that question never really came up anymore because they already knew.

Did you feel a relief, like, in sharing? Like, as in, kind of like, this isn't just our secret? Was there like a burden kind of lifted off of you?

Yes, and I felt that way. And I know not everyone, because you all have different personalities, but, you know, for some people, and it was for me, it was a relief to no longer have that secret in a sense that I could just say, hey, this is what I'm going through. And for me, I wanted to share that because it was such a big part of my life that I felt like if I couldn't openly talk about it, that it was hard to really be honest about myself because really that's what was consuming my thoughts and my time and everything. So it was hard not to talk about it in a sense, just because it was so much of my life at that point in time. And so everyone handles it that way. You know, we were very public about it, but I would say even if someone who's not very open, even just finding one person that you are comfortable sharing that experience with, I think can be really beneficial for that person, just so you don't feel so alone trying to navigate some of that. And then just see where it goes from there, you know, if you're willing to talk to more people. But at least having someone else to communicate with that can be outside to support you, I think is really important too.

At the time that you guys were trying to conceive, there were probably other people that you were close to that were able to just get pregnant. Was there any sort of— I feel like there's so many words or probably so many different emotions that you were going through. What would— how could you best describe how you were feeling when like a really good friend would be like, "Hey, we're pregnant," and you hadn't told people what you were going through yet? What was that like?

Yeah. You know, for us, our situation was most of the people we knew actually already had children. So we didn't have a lot of people in our lives that were getting pregnant or trying to get pregnant. So it was, but I mean, I did know people outside my inner circle, obviously, that were, you know, Facebook pops up all the time. That's what it seems like. Was it like reads your mind? It's like, how come now I'm seeing all these baby announcements from people that I know that, you know, like I said, weren't my close friends, but saw one like all the time, it seemed like. And I think, you know, there's— the best way to describe it is that I felt happy for them, but I felt really sad for my circumstances and really just disappointed in what my circumstances were, you know. And I think, I think we— it's okay to feel, you know, kind of that jealousy because they have something that you're desperately wanting and you're not mad at them. It's just, I, for myself, I just wished my situation would have been different. You know, it's kind of what I felt like. And so I feel like when I kind of had that shift in accepting our story, it was at that same time too where I found it to be so important that, you know, you take that time to encourage those people and pray for those people that are having kids because I wanted them to be healthy and I wanted things to go good for them. And at that same time, it allowed me to take that focus a little bit off of my disappointment and frustration that I was feeling and channel it more in a positive way as well. And I think that's important too when, you know, you, you are in that type of situation where, you know, people are getting things that maybe you're wanting and it's really hard. It's difficult. It's a daily struggle. But trying to see how you can still encourage other people in that process, I think, is really important as well. But not, not at the sacrifice of your self-care. You know, I've been often asked that question of, well, what do you do about baby showers and things like that too, that, you know, it's painful to go to, you know, when, when that's what you're wanting. And I think it's just really important to, to know yourself. And if you're not comfortable going because, you know, it's going to be really difficult or you're going to get emotional or you're just not in the right frame of mind, that's where that communication comes in, where being open to say Hey, I'm so happy for you, but we're going through this really difficult time. You know, for that, I'm unable to make it, but I'm still going to get you a gift, or here's a card, or hey, please know I'm still praying for you. You know, and it's like I said, it's not easy to do. It's a daily thing you have to try to work through, and ebbs and flows, right? Some days you're in a good— you're feeling good, and other days you're feeling down, and that's just part of the process. That's just life. Unfortunately, too.

Yes, yes, that's so true.

No, I—

so I have asked this question before in my podcast, but as I reflect over all the events that have happened in my life, I used to think— now that I've asked this question so many times and everybody has a different answer, and so now that I've heard the different answers, I've kind of started to like change my answer a little bit because I'm like, oh, I think I was looking at that a little bit differently. Like, I feel like I'm trying to evolve. But anyways, the question— so as I, as I look back on all the events that have happened in my life, I used to feel like I had lived 6 different lives, like I'm on my 6th life right now. How, you know, my first life was up until I was 10, and then I almost— like, we moved and it was a really big change and adjustment, a really big family event happened. And so I feel like, boom, I was like pushed into my second life. And so I, you know, as I look over the past 30 years, I feel like I'm now in my sixth life. Do you look at your life as like rebirth and starting over, or do you think that you— like, how do you look at life and all the experiences that you've had?

Yeah, no, that's a good question. And I think, I think it's really important, um, to assess some of those pivotal moments, I'd say those big moments in our lives, because I feel sure you get a lot of that growth and strength and lessons that come from them. And so I think it is important to, to see those moments. And I've had a lot of them myself. We, my family moved around a lot when I was little. So we actually, I feel like I had all these changes like every 2 years of my life.

Yeah.

I feel like I'm probably on like my 15th, I feel like, from that perspective. But I think it's really important just when you go through those difficult situations that you can't go through them unchanged or unmoved or taking something from that lesson, I feel like, because that is what I feel like sends you into the next life, if you want to call that. Or that next stage of your life, because I feel like those kind of prepare you and build you for whatever skills or mindset, people that you're going to meet. They're going to help you in that next step. But of course, you don't know that. You know, it's just a difficult situation that you're going through. But I can look back on even some things that we've gone through with our infertility journey about how I had started a blog and the people that I've met. And the stories that I've heard from other people, and just the passion that it's created in me to help other people even more. Like, there's been so many benefits, if you want to call that, from our experience that it's just changed me and the way I see things and how I want to live my life going forward and the things I want to teach my daughter that totally have changed because of what we went through. You know, we all wait for things in life. You know, we don't get to choose what we wait for or how long we're going to wait for them. You know, the things that we want, but it's a part of life. And so how do we take that time and instead of rush through it, you know, buy our way through it because, you know, that's kind of the world we live in. It's like, I don't want to wait. You know, how do I get through this as quick as possible? Think of, you know, fast food, 1-hour express when you pick up your photos. Like everything is so quick in today. Society, but those difficult things in life, often the things you want the most, often take a lot of time. You know, it's not a, it's not a, it's not microwavable. It's not a quick, quick process. And I want her to see that where that time is so valuable. And, and yes, it is going to be difficult and dark, and it's going to be, it's going to challenge you to, on so many levels, and allow that to shape us and grow us and become you know, who it is we're supposed to be, learn more about Christ and grow in our relationship. And that's just where it— that's just transformed my thinking. And like I said, what I want to teach her about waiting and that value. And I would have never had that if we hadn't had such a big experience in our lives trying to wait, this waiting period of trying to be able to have a family.

Yes. Well, that, that is just so beautiful. And being able to remove yourself, I think, after, you know, you've been through something difficult and hard. And like you said, through this long, long— that seemed like just the night was never gonna end. And then coming through it and seeing the other side, and now having this beautiful baby girl that now, I mean, you can see why, maybe, you know, or you can see why God, you know, had you wait. And so it really is— life is just so— it's so— I don't even know the word for it. It's just so— everything is just like unexpected and you just never know with anything. And I'm so glad that you reached out to share your story. And I think it's so important. And I think it's also great that we're breaking the stigma of it's okay to talk about your problems and it's okay to share with people and it's okay to be vulnerable in those situations. I think Sometimes society can make you feel like, "Oh, don't share that. Like, that's just— you should just keep that to yourself." And so I'm just really thankful that we were able to connect. Let us know what you thought of the show. Head on over to iTunes, leave a review, or give us a rating. Hope you have a really great week. Talk to you soon.