Life 1️⃣

Well, okay. So, um, yeah, here we go.

So here we go. Here we are.

Hello friends, welcome to The Girl with the Red Door. A few episodes ago, Kristjana Hillberg mentioned there might be a co-host in the future, and lucky for you, here I am. And this may not be the last of me. So grab your favorite drink. Let's hang out. Let's be friends and let's get this party fucking started. If you haven't figured out who I am yet, my name is Allie. I was on a few episodes ago, and today we're going to switch things up a bit. You're going to hear from the girl with the red door herself. Okay, so she doesn't have a red door, but she did in her fifth life, which you'll hear all about in due time. But today she's going to tell us all about her first life. Where it all started. So here we go.

Well, this is all about you, so you get to talk as much as you want, and I'll be the one to listen. So talk my ear off. And I guess I kind of just want to start with, um, your first life and what you think your first life technically was. And just, yeah, just kind of like walk, walk everybody through it. Take us on this journey.

I would love that. So it's been so fun having Lil, uh, turn, you know, like 6 and 7, because that's about where my first memories start. Like, I remember like being 5. I feel like that's like my earliest memory. Of course, you know how your parents or family members will tell you different things, but my actual, like, first memory starts when I was 5 and my dad took me to my first concert, which was Billy Ray Cyrus. Hi, hello, hottie of the '90s. Yeah. And so that was my very first concert. And I had gone thrift shopping with my mom, which I still absolutely love doing thrift shopping forever.

Yeah.

So I had bought this white dress. It looked like a pioneer dress. It was like 20 different layers of like white, like doily material. And oh my gosh, I'm just like picturing it. It's hilarious. And so I wore that to my 5th birthday and then I wore like my Billy Ray Cyrus pin, like over my heart.

That's adorable.

And I like just remember being so excited and just like that feeling of like, this dress is so beautiful. And my friends get to come over and like see me in this dress with my really awesome pin. And my grandparents were there and I just like, that's just my, yeah, my earliest memory.

Was that the highlight of your life at that point?

Oh yeah, like it really, it really was. Like I'm like, I'm the coolest person probably in my kindergarten class right now and I love everything that's going on.

So. That's so adorable.

It's so fun.

It's so cute. Just like how little kids just the simplest things. And you look back on just like how those little things just made you so happy.

Oh yeah. Like I, I try now to be like that again, to be like, okay, what are the simple little things that can bring so much joy to your life? And so yeah, it's fun to just like look back and think about it. And I was just asking Lil too. You know, like, what's your favorite memory? And so, yeah, it's been fun. So I, as I think back about what I, what I say was my first life, that was definitely like the start of it. My whole childhood, I grew up in a small town in Colorado, so we lived there until I was 10. And so I feel like my first life was until I was 10 when we lived there. Yeah, so we grew up 5 minutes from Durango, and it was just this cute little quaint town. And my mom enrolled us in all of the things, like all of the community art classes and dance classes. I remember going to this hula lesson like in the basement of like the, like, community center. And there was just like this older lady there, and it totally was like community ed now that I'm older and like understand what it was. Um, but she just always would like enroll us in all the different classes. And so I remember going to this art class and the hula class, obviously, and, um we were just so busy doing everything and I loved that. And she was always just, I think she's the one who instilled like, don't be scared to try something new. So she was just constantly like, here you go. Like, here's something else, here's something else. And not even like in a pushy way, but just like a, let's try it. You know, like we're gonna, we're gonna try this. And being little, I was just like, sure.

And you don't know if you like it until you try it. So, right, exactly. They even like had stuff like that for you guys to do.

I know, I loved, loved, loved that. And so I— that is like one of my favorite memories too, just thinking back and thinking about all of the things that my mom did with us. And she was so active with— I mean, we were in soccer and we were going to the pool and we had all these different friend groups and we were going, you know, on little day trips and going hiking. And I I loved that. As I— yeah. And as I look back, I just, I was so happy as like at that age, you know, and like nothing was really a big deal, you know, but it was like when you're that age, like everything is so major to you. I feel like, well, all growing up probably, like I remember different stages just being like, this is so important to me.

And then you move on to like the next thing and you're like, that's not— that wasn't as big of a deal because now this is even bigger. And now this is more important.

Yeah, exactly. Totally. And so yeah, Cortez, those days were just really, really good and we had really great friends. And yeah, every time I think about that, it's just like my heart just like warms up because I just remember having such a really great childhood and also That was where the start of like my singing began. And I, I like totally remember that too, so vividly. I remember being Lil's age, like right now. And I remember sitting in the backseat and listening to the radio and they kept talking about the Country Showdown and how you would pick a song and sing it and there was gonna be a talent show. And I was like, oh, mom, like I wanna do that. And she was like, oh, great. Like, What song would you sing? I'm like, I don't know, probably like, Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?

Yes, Shania Twain.

And she was like, love that song, but like, maybe not kid appropriate. So, which I had no idea why. I'm like, it's such a great one. Everyone will love it.

Yeah, I have no idea what any of it means. You don't know a single thing.

Exactly. And so She like helped me, you know, pick an age-appropriate song. And she like kept asking, like, are you sure you want to do this? Like, if you enroll or if you sign up, you have to follow through and you have to practice and you have to show up on that night in front of a lot of people and you have to get on stage and sing. And I was like, yeah, like done. I'm there. I'm ready to go.

What's the big deal, Mom?

Yeah, like I'm not that worried about it. And so I remember like going to the Western store there. I don't remember. I think it was like Stage. Do you remember Stage?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we got like Western for like a minute.

Yeah.

Like a year.

Yeah. That's where we got our stuff. And I picked out this awesome, like checkered fringed outfit. Was so, so excited. And I, I even remember like standing on the side of the stage. I mean, and there was like hundreds of people there. It was like the county fair and there was so many people. And I was like, I can't do it. And my mom was like, oh no, like we, we talked about this and you definitely can. And you, you're going to go and perform. And you know, if you decide that you hate it after, then you don't have to do it again, but you signed up and so you're going to follow through with it. And as soon as I got on that stage, it was like, nothing I had ever felt before. Just so much adrenaline and happiness. It was like the best night ever. And so from there, I think there was, if I recall correctly, I feel like there was like 18 contestants and I was the youngest by like 15 years. I mean, I was the only little kid and I won second place, which I'm sure was just because I was super cute and like super animated. And so because of that, it just kind of opened a few doors for me. And so I would get like singing gigs for weddings and people would like pay me to come and sing at their wedding. Yes. Like, but I mean, I was little, like I was like, this is between like 6 and 9 probably. So I would like sing at the weddings and then I I did the Country Showdown again. I would sing at the American Legion, which is hilarious to me. I'm just like, what? And I remember like going up to the bar and ordering a Shirley Temple and thinking that I was like the coolest person around.

And wait, what song do you— what song did you sing that first time? Do you remember?

Yeah, that first song, or that first time, I sang Happy Girl by Martina McBride.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So I sang that. And then the second year I sang I Want to Be a Cowboy's Sweetheart, which there was another little girl and we both sang the same song, which I feel like was a little ridiculous. Like, I don't understand why.

What are the chances?

Because it's like the judges, right?

Yeah.

I don't know if the judges— because I think you have to submit what song you're going to sing like beforehand. So I don't know why they let us sing which is kind of embarrassing when you both sing the same song. But I don't really remember that part. I just remember being like, oh, like we sang, we sang the same song.

But, um, pictures. I, I want to see your little outfit.

Yeah, I'll have to show it to you. Oh my gosh. I was like, I was featured in the newspaper with that super cute checkered outfit. Loved it. So yeah, I'll have to, I'll share that picture.

But horrible. I can picture you too, your personality. At 6 years old, just on the stage, just belting it.

And I had like red lace-up boots. I mean, my mom definitely like, yeah, but she, I mean, she, I feel like she let me pick out the outfits. Like, I don't ever remember thinking like my mom's forcing me. Like, it was totally me being like, yep, this is what I'm wearing. This is what I'm doing. And I mean, she guided like my music a little bit, but other than that. And then I remember one time I sang that song, "Don't Laugh at Me." It's like an old—

Oh, yes.

Early—

I love that song. Yeah.

And I learned how to sign it for some reason. Like, she—

You do all the things.

I don't know how. I feel like it was just the chorus, but I remember, like, learning how to sign it. I don't know where I was performing this at, but I was definitely on stage, like, signing this song.

That's amazing.

Which— Now that I listen to it, it like makes me cry. It's such an emotional song.

I think that now that I've had a kid, I'm like, I can't listen to stuff like that because I didn't used to be a big crier. But now I'm like, just thinking about some stuff like that, I'm like, I can't do it. I'll start crying.

Oh yeah. Well, I've always been a huge crier. So even now that I have kids, it's like 20 times more.

Yeah.

And so, yeah, like just such amazing things happened with that. I was asked to sing at the National American Legion Convention in Denver.

Wow.

When I was 9. And so they like paid for me and my family to go up there and they paid me, you know, like a little stipend and I entertained the old folk for like 30 minutes and they gave us tickets to Six Flags or whatever is up there. I don't even remember.

Right.

But yeah, like just like some really awesome things.

And then, um, and to do that so young, that's like such a good experience.

I think it was just like, it just came so natural to me to want to do that. Like, I, like, even thinking now, I mean, like teaching barre or when I would perform Silks or whatever, it's just like, I love it. There's just like something about it that just like makes my heart happy to like entertain people. It's just I don't know, it's just something that I've always, always loved. In 4th grade, we were given this assignment that we were to, like, create a project and document it and then turn it in, like, to the principal or whatever. It was just like a— all the 4th grade, that was our project for the year. And it could be anything. It was— they left it, like, super open, but they were just like, you have to pick one project, you have to document it with pictures and, like, a photo album almost, and you have to write about it, and then you have to present it. And, uh, So I told my mom that I wanted to put on a concert to benefit literacy because my brother was like struggling really hard to read. And so I like contacted the people who I had been performing with the last couple years and there was like 10 or 12 people that I got ahold of and we like put on this concert at the high school and I raised like $1,200 or something and gave it to my school. And yeah, just like, I just think back and I'm like, wow, like where, where did that come from? And, and I wish that there was, there was more like recording of, of those times, like more like that my mom would have like written it down because now it's only like a vague memory of like how it got started, you know, instead of like a, this is, this is what you did, this is how it worked, this is how it happened.

Yeah.

So that's the only thing that's like such a bummer looking back is that I'm like, I wish that there was more. Yeah.

Just like, have you ever like written down what your memory is of it?

No, but that's actually a really good idea because I feel like as time goes, yeah, it's just it's like fading even more.

So I feel like, yeah, it's probably time to just like sit down and write about all of those memories because, yeah, because I mean, who knows, would love that even when she's like older and she can just like read back on like what you did as a kid and like the things that you were into. And right, well, and I think I just love reading like stuff like that from like, you know, like things that like even that I like would write when I was little. I'm like, oh my gosh, that's who I was. I don't even remember stuff like that.

Right?

Isn't that so like heartwarming when you find like your second grade journal and you're like, oh my gosh, bless my heart.

Yeah.

Bless my heart for sure.

What is super funny is I found something from, it was either like the second or third grade and I had written about, um, like people who I, like, was close to. I mean, like, I wrote about, um, this boy that I went to school with, like, all growing up, and I wrote about, like, knowing him in the future. And I also wrote about, like, Eric Duncan, which— who didn't write about Eric Duncan?

I was gonna say, there were probably more than one of you who wrote about it.

Oh yeah, totally. And then I wrote about being in South Dakota. And I think I wrote about that because my favorite uncle was here and like, he— that's why I came to South Dakota. And so it's so crazy to look back and I'm like, oh, now I'm in South Dakota. And like, I had written about that when I was 7 years old, like wanting to come to South Dakota. Yeah. So it's totally— yeah, I think that it's so awesome to just look back and read, just read little like snippets of what you were thinking and what you were doing at that time.

Mm-hmm.

And so when Lil was born, I, I really don't know what sparked the idea, but I'm so glad that I had it. But I decided that I was going to create like a journal for her and give it to her when she was 18. So I started when she was born and like I wrote a letter to her and her dad wrote a letter and like grandmas, grandpas, aunts and uncles. So, and then I just like was recording in there. So I recorded like her first words and her first steps and like when we moved and our first house, like, so she has everything. And then she has like her trips. She, they took a really big Snyder trip. And so she has like that recorded. And then Lisa took it and like, scrapbooks, her and Ammon's wedding. Like, there's just so many things in there that I'm like, she's going to look back at this in 15 years and hopefully it's full of all the things, like everything.

And just all the memories that she remembers having and just all those, like, those good moments.

Yeah.

And I actually was super crazy as I was listening to a podcast on my way here a couple of days ago. It's called The Lifestylist, which I love that podcast. And he had a guest in the podcast. I can't even remember the episode, like what it was, but it was about being like a, a conscious parent. And he is actually doing the same thing for his kid, but he is doing it at like a way deeper level. Like he has journaled. He, his son's only like 4, but he has journaled every single day of his son's life. And he said that he has like done everything. Like he, he talks about— he's just like really real with it. Like, he'll be like, it gave me anxiety today when I thought about this, and like, this is what happened and this is how I felt. And so he said that when his son— when he decides to give it to his son, you know, when he's 18 or whatever, that he's going to say, I want you to write down all of your memories and then I'll give you the book, because he doesn't want to give him the book and like, maybe like, persuade. Yeah, exactly. And so he wants him to like write down all of what he remembers and what he felt, and then he'll give him the book as kind of like a— this is like from my perspective.

Yeah.

And I was like, wow, that is like some really real commitment right there. But yeah, what an incredible thing to have.

Um, like once you turn 18 and you're an adult and you view the world so differently than when you did, you know, when you were little, and So I actually, I made an email address for Jace and I was like, I like, I told myself I was going to do that and I've like totally slacked on it. Like I was like, I'm going to just be able to like email pictures and like, you know, just type up a quick little story about like what happened or like how the day was. And like, it's just like, keep slipping away from me. I'm honestly, I think I've sent 2 emails and he's almost 7 months old.

Well, he's not, he's not too old yet. Yeah, right.

Yeah, that's a little motivating. Now maybe I'll just— I just need to like discipline myself and set aside like 5 or 10 minutes a night and just— and write that stuff down.

Or even just once a week, because yeah, like right before you go to bed, just like send a quick email. Yeah, that is such a good idea.

In a book, is that what you said?

Yeah, so I just— yeah, I have this book and sometimes I'll like— I've written a few different letters, like just at different times. So like when she— when I was pregnant with Stone and she was in Sioux Falls with Ammon, I like wrote her a letter, you know, just like telling her about how I felt being pregnant and like how important she was to me and like me remembering when I was pregnant with her and just like what a special time that was to just like dream and imagine like what her life would be and I don't know, just like little things like that.

Let me get the Kleenex really quick.

I really, I'm like, I really should get like my grandma to write in it and just like little, little special things because you never know, you know, in 15 years who's still going to be with us and like what his— you just never know what life brings.

And who is going to remember.

Right, exactly. And so it's just, I think it's it's nice to just like have pictures and then just like little memories and little, little thoughts, you know, and just little, just little things because that's what's so important. That's what's so meaningful is just the little, the little tiny small things. Like even still just talking about my quote unquote first life, I remember like my mom, she always made my birthday this huge thing, which Thanks to her, I still now want my birthday to be this huge thing. Sorry, Kurt, but like, I'm always like, it's my birthday, by the way. What's happening? What are you doing? Okay, everyone needs to take the whole day off.

Yeah, everybody focus on me. It is— this is my day.

Yeah, that is totally so my personality because my mom just like, she would wake us up and it was always like just this just really, really happy day. And she always— our gifts were always so thoughtful and she was always so excited to give them to us. And she would like take us out of school and take us to our favorite, our favorite restaurant. And I remember like going to the Mexican restaurant with her, Francesca's, and we both ordered chimichangas. And I just remember being like, this is so cool. Like, I love my birthday. I love my mom. I love Francesca's.

And that's how it should be. And I'm glad that like, that's how you remember it.

Oh yeah, like, I— that first life was seriously just so happy. I remember being super, super happy and my mom being so, like, attentive and helpful and involved. And I just, I love that. And I just, yeah, every time that I think back to that, it just brings such, such happy, happy thoughts.

When do you think your first quote-unquote life ended? Like, what do you think the time period was that you'd had that, that first time, that first life?

Um, when we moved to—

so, okay, so when you're about 10?

Yeah, yeah. So I was— yeah, I was—

gosh, so a lot happened in those 3 years that you remember. That's pretty good.

Yeah, I know. I feel like— and I mean It was— it's so weird to also think back. And I mean, some of those people I'm still in contact with, like, and I remember I was really close with Taylor Carlson and he— his dad was my dentist. And I remember like I would go over to his house and we would play Power Rangers. And I mean, we were good friends for, I mean, 5 or 6 years, like a consistent friendship. And Jaycee, which She was actually— she's been on the podcast and there's just— there's some people definitely from that first life that I still am in contact with that it's really special to me because I'm like, we— like they were a part of this, of the early stage, you know, and got— and we just— we've kind of like seen each other go through all things. And so, yeah.

And you're both still there. Yeah.

And so it's been— It's been fun to, like, reconnect and visit with them, you know, now that we have such different lives. But yeah, I would definitely say that once we moved to Joseph City, that it was just kind of like the start of a whole new life. It's— there's just like no other way of describing it.

I haven't heard you mention your dad, and I don't know if this is a sore subject because I really don't know anything about that part of your life.

No, that's totally fine. My dad— I'm like, gosh, how do I even talk about my dad? He kind of makes an exit in the second life, and so we can talk about that more in my second life. But some— a really cool fact about my dad is He is— he can speak fluent Navajo. And this is actually really funny. I'm glad that you brought this up. So he was a police officer for that first— my first life. And we actually lived on the reservation for like 2, 2 and a half years. And my dad was married previously before my mom, and he has two 2 kiddos with a Navajo woman. And so I thought that I was half Navajo because he could speak it. We lived on the reservation and then I had 2 half-siblings that were. And so at kindergarten, like we had, you know, at registration or whatever, my mom gets this call and she was like, Kristjana's tribal clothing is in. And my mom was like, tribal clothing? Like, for what? And she was like, well, isn't she half Navajo? And my mom was like, no. And she's like, oh, well, she says she is. And my mom was like, oh yeah, she thinks that.

She definitely thinks that. So that's funny because I have a niece who her dad, his skin tone is just like, like he tans really well. Like, I mean, he's white, but he, he tans so well that he's pretty— that he can get pretty dark. And she kind of got his complexion, whereas her brothers and my sister are just like super white. So when she learned about MLK Day, like Martin Luther King Day, she really thought she was Black. Oh my gosh. She was like, she was like, you know, those people weren't nice to my people.

And like, I don't know, this little advocate for justice. I love this.

It's because she really thinks that she's Black and she thinks her and that are Black, and it's the cutest thing in the whole world.

Oh my gosh, I love it.

That's funny that you've had that mindset because I've never really heard a lot of people who like— I mean, it totally makes sense. Like, you were, you know, definitely around it all the time, so it makes sense that you think that, right?

And I was like the only— I was the only white girl at my preschool, and but my dad, like, I, I heard my dad speak it all the time, and we were just so immersed in the culture and we would go to powwows and I mean, like, I just—

Yeah. How did I not know this about you? Yeah, I don't know.

Yes, it was. That is actually— And I still like, I still have such a great love for the Native American culture. I just— I like, I took Lil to a powwow. They came to Sioux Falls several years ago and it was like an indoor big powwow. She was, she was probably only like 3 years old and I was stoked. I was like, oh my gosh, like, I am taking Lil to this amazing powwow. She's gonna love it. And she's like, what is happening? This is super loud in here because all the drums and it was like echoing almost. And I'm like, look at the beautiful costumes, Lil. Look at that beading. Look at that headdress. And I'm sure she was just like, yeah, exactly. And I feel like she was just like I was super overwhelmed and it was just, oh yeah, maybe it was a little too soon, but I was just so excited because I remember being little and like loving, loving that. So yeah, it's just so funny.

Do you know any Navajo words?

No, but my dad used to sing me Navajo songs, like lullabies. And The other night, we were laying in bed and I had just gotten done nursing Stone, and I just started singing one of those and Kurt was like, "Uh." Like, "What language are you speaking?" Oh my God.

I was like, "Are you making this up? Is everything okay with you?" Right?

And I mean, we had just gotten done watching Game of Thrones, so I'm sure he's like, "Are you trying to speak Valyrian? What's going on?" going on?

Yeah.

Is this Valyrian? Is this Dothraki? I don't understand.

Exactly. So, yeah, it was just kind of funny. But yeah, it definitely has still, like, such a special place in my heart. And yeah, I mean, I only wish that I could say that I was half Navajo because their culture is just very beautiful. And, and yeah, I've always, I've always just had such a love a love for that. And I thought that that was funny when my mom told me that story. I'm like, well, obviously.

I mean, so from your first life, like, what would you say is like, what's like your biggest lesson from my first life?

Oh, the biggest lesson.

Sorry, I just sprung that on you.

No, I feel that was— that's a good one. That's a good question. I just really remember my mom always like pounding it into our heads to tell the truth, even if we're wrong. And I just always remember being like, I need to tell the truth, even if I held it in for like a few days or a couple days.

It—

I could never hold it in for much longer. Um, and I just And I feel like, I don't know, I just really, really remember that, like her just being like, "We always tell the truth, no matter what. We always are kind to other people, no matter what." Like she just really, like when she taught a lesson, it was like ingrained in my brain. And she wouldn't just like talk at us. It was like, she would like wait for a good moment and then like explain that. And so in my parenting technique now, I try to do the same thing. So just like almost wait for the time and then explain the lesson. But yeah, that's— I feel like it's just always been a good reminder that like, even if it's hard, even if it takes you a little bit for it to come out, like it needs to always come out and always be truthful and honest. And so, yeah, I feel like that was my biggest lesson.

I mean, I guess I like, if I were to look back, I wouldn't really know what my lesson would be either. But that's a really good one, especially because I feel like that's a stage of like you're really learning, like kind of to tell the truth and what it's like to tell a lie and the consequences of of whether you do either one. And, and it's kind of fun for you. I think for you, I would see it as fun. It's like, that's where Lil is now. And so, yeah, like, you can take those feelings and be like, that's probably what she's going through right now. And she's like learning that, even though she probably doesn't realize like that's what she's learning, right?

And like, I want her— I want her to I'm trying to like describe that as like, you feel it, like you feel it in your heart. So if it's, if it's something that makes you like really happy and really excited and just like you want to tell people and it's, it's just something that like lights you up inside, I'm like, then that is like a good, a good thing. I'm like, but if it makes you feel scared or like iffy or like you want to keep it a secret because it's maybe like something that makes you feel like worried or sick inside, then it's probably not a good thing. I was like, but you'll know, like, in which I think that, I mean, you, you start knowing that when you're, when you're little, you start to like feel good things and bad things. And so I want her to like just go off of her gut because your gut never lies. And so I want her to start learning that now so that she can be like, oh, like, that doesn't feel good to me.

Like, like, go with your feelings because there's a reason for them for sure.

Right, exactly.

So yeah, we started talking a little bit like about that, but, but I love the way that you explain that, like the whole, like the feelings and stuff. And I think part of that is like, we were obviously raised in, in, um, the LDS Church, so they just teach you that that's the spirit, you know, and right, spirit is telling you that this is right or that this is wrong. But then it's like, you know, for people like you and me who are no longer in the church and now trying to raise kids, it's like, how do I explain this without, you know, bringing religion into it when that's how we were raised with it? So, right, I really, I really like that.

Thanks. And also, so you— I'm going to send you that podcast because I bet you, you would totally love it. This guy is awesome. He is the one who just came out with the Live and Die in LA. Have you— have you listened to that one yet?

I haven't.

Oh my God.

I need to start doing it more, especially because my drive to work is like 45 minutes long. And I'll be like halfway through my drive and I'm like, why am I not listening to a podcast right now? Yeah, I just gotta like—

I'm not gonna go up here. I'm gonna blow up your messages after this, like 20. But yeah, so same podcast as the other day, um, about parenting, conscious parenting. He was like, he was talking about how society has just set these rules and systems and labels up for like what's quote unquote right and wrong. And he is getting divorced from his wife and he was just like, I think it's complete bullshit that people refer to a divorce as like, oh, like that's such a bummer that it didn't last. And he's like, who even like comes up with terms of like how long a relationship should or shouldn't last? And, you know, he's just like, so me and, you know, his, his former wife, he's like, we're still like best friends. Like, it's totally on our terms. Like, we're both happier people apart. And he was just like, we're the ones who like set our own terms of like what, what it means. And he's like, and we both think that our relationship was extremely successful. Like we had this baby and we were very happy and then we weren't and then it was over and like it was successful. Like, and that's it. And so I've been trying, I've been trying, I listened to this 2 days ago. So in the last 2 days I've been trying. To, to like just be open-hearted and open-minded, to, to like remember that, just be like conscious of it. Like, okay, society is what has set like this limit, Kris, like not you. How do you feel about it? Like, what do you— how would you define that? And so I think that that's something that I'm going to like start doing a little bit more of is just like I'm going to stop trying to do like just what the mold, you know, like I don't want to keep going down this path that's like perfectly carved by society. I want to be like who I am and how I feel and how I think about it and not just— and I feel like sometimes you're like shamed for it. So like you— yeah, you give your—

it's kind of fucked up. So you don't— you definitely don't need to follow what society is doing.

So, right. Well, but I feel like sometimes when you do speak up and use your voice, and now that I'm talking about it, I'm like, oh my gosh, this is totally like bringing up like a fear block because I feel like I've done that before where I'll like speak up and have like what I think is a really great idea, or if I've— I'm just like sharing my thoughts and my voice and I just like get shut down. And so as I'm talking about it now, I kind of feel that same way is that like, oh, I'm going to like share my voice and I'm going to talk about this really great idea. And then, but what if I get shut down? And I'm like, but who cares though? And so I think it's just like working past that, moving past that fear, breaking it down. And I mean, they were talking about it too in that podcast. They're like, isn't it crazy that like all of us just like now that we're adults, we're just like, gosh, like we were totally fucked up as kids. Like we get fucked up and then we to like relearn shit because like, I— it happens to every single one of us. It's not— it is because there is no handbook for parenting. Like, you learn as you go. You say, holy shit, that was a bummer, I'm learning from that now, and you move forward. And like, you might have scarred your kid, but like, you might not have, who knows. You just keep going. And so it's just like, it's just this learning, learn as you go. But yeah, we can only just hope that we can just like be more conscious and yeah, go.

I don't like open-minded and because I think that was like one of the biggest things for me was just realizing like, okay, I need to, I need to figure out what my mindset was for everything, but also like understand that other people are, have their own mindsets and I have to be, you know, I have to accept that even if I don't necessarily agree with that. And oh yeah, that's what's going to keep all of us going, or, you know, so it's— we got to just— we all got to try to be on the same page even though we're on separate pages. Does that make sense? Is that—

oh yeah, no, no, it's totally not weird. And it was— I'm reading this book, reading as in like I read a chapter like every, every week. So I'm trying to get through it more than me.

So you're good.

I'm like, I'm trying really hard to read it every day, but sometimes the days it just get by me, but he talks about, um, like, you are not your experiences. So your experiences happen and then you like react to them, but you don't have to do that, and you can actually like unattach from absolutely everything. He's like, so ultimately you can lead this really happy, joyful amazing life all the time because you aren't your emotions. So even if somebody comes to you and has this like huge thing, and in the past you would have like freaked out, you would have had anger, fear, like distraught, all of those things. Well, you don't have to have those anymore. You can like completely like detach and like let that go and just like tell yourself, I will get through this. Because you will, no matter what, you'll get through. And then like, that's that. And so it's so—

And everything will be okay.

Yeah.

And everything will be okay because it always is. And so it's just really, it's almost comforting to think that, to be like, wow, I really don't have to hold on to that. I don't have to hold on to that hurt or that guilt or that sadness, whatever it is you're holding on to. You can just let it go. And yeah, it is easier said than done, but it can totally be done. And I feel like if you just keep practicing it every day, to just— when those feelings come up, you just like take a deep breath and say, I'll get through this. Like, that's not who I am. You don't let yourself go there. And then you don't. And then pretty soon, like 5 months down the road, you— your mind doesn't even go there anymore because you've completely let go.

Yep.

And so I love that.

Even if it, if it does still come to you like later down the road, it doesn't bother you nearly as bad.

Exactly. Because you're not attached.

You look at it and you're like, oh, it's fine. That wasn't even as big of a deal anymore.

Right, exactly. And so yeah, there's just some— there's so much great content out there, and I feel like as long as we're just trying every day to be better than we were before, I think that that's that it takes— it's brave and it's courage and it's honesty. I mean, just saying, like, I just look back at myself 5 and 6 years ago and I'm just like, Lord, help me. Like, I—

wow.

And so, and I mean, I've read that quote before that you like, you only like, you did as good as you could with the information that you had. And so I look back and I try to give myself grace to be like, okay, Hey, like you weren't, you know, you were kind of stuck here or this was your mindset. So like, it's okay. You've moved forward. You've, you've learned, you're growing. Um, but yeah, I think that as long as you're just trying to fill your head with good things and good content and, and serve others and be kind, then I think that we're all, we'll all be fine. As always, thanks for tuning in. Can't wait to talk to you next Monday. Love you.