Manifesting The Relationship She NEEDED

Welcome to my podcast, The Girl with the Red Door. I'm Kristjana Hillberg, your main host. You'll get to hear from people who divulge real and raw experiences on all different topics. I don't like to bullshit, so here we go. Good morning. Hi.

Hello.

If you're new here, so glad to have you. Welcome back if you've listened before. I love you. All right, my feisty friend is our guest today. You want real? She's the epitome. There's a lot of laughing, thoughts about Tinder, sacrifice, and swearing off dudes until the new year. Let's see what she's up to.

I actually have been doing this whole like manifesting thing going on right now, so I've been trying to put things into existence. So pretty much everything that I've been like telling myself is gonna happen has been happening.

Uh, that's badass, ain't it though, girl?

So like, so I quit my job, but I haven't quit yet. I don't have an end date yet. And then, um, I found a different job because I told myself it was gonna happen.

And I love that.

And then I was like, I need a part-time job. And then I told everybody I'm gonna be a server. And then what happened today, girl? I got a server position and I didn't even— I didn't even interview for it.

Oh my gosh, I love that.

I'm not even kidding you, it's been happening.

Well, good. I'm so glad. Yeah, so you deserve it.

Thanks. I sometimes I don't think I do, but I guess—

no, I'm, I'm all on board with the manifestations. I try and do it even if I'm like in a really bad mood. I'm like, you know what, tomorrow, tomorrow I'm gonna get a call saying that you know, whatever it is. And usually it's kind of crazy, it happens, or like somehow the universe just makes it happen, even if it's not right away. I actually just had something like that happen to me like a week ago. It was insane. I was like waiting and waiting and waiting to hear about something, and then it— and then it came back, and I was like, oh my gosh, like it's literally been 9 weeks and finally heard back. And it was— it was like good news, but I didn't know it at the time, you know what I mean?

Right. No, I have no idea. I don't know.

It was—

forget it.

Forget it.

You were like, well, you're being pretty vague. So I'm like, I don't know. It could have been like, actually, don't—

you know what, as I was saying that, I was like, she probably thinks I'm talking about like my medical records or something, but that wasn't it. Yeah, I know.

You're like, 9 weeks later, they said I'm cleared.

Okay, well, you know what? Let's just stop talking about me. Let's talk only about you.

We have to talk about you too. I feel like it has to be more of a conversation. And you know what I think about? I think about, remember when we were going through like that whole dating thing? Like, we're like going through Tinder, and then you know how upset I was that you found somebody?

And I was like, what, man?

I'm always swiping. How did you find somebody?

You're hilarious. I do not want to talk about Tinder, but I mean, I guess we can.

No, we don't.

But no, that was That was totally the time in our life, yeah, that we met was— I was like, gosh, I just really want to find somebody. And then of course Kurt came into my life, which was incredible. Um, but yeah, that's how we met. We were— love him, hate him at the same time.

I'm like, you just went and like, okay, found a man. I was like, what?

And then got so— none of what?

I'm over here like, yeah, should I download that?

Oh my gosh, I mean, when you know, you know.

I got ghosted. I got ghosted. So I only dated 2 guys this year. Uh, okay, yeah, 2 guys. One, one of them— and they both gave me the same feedback. I asked for feedback.

I love you. You're like, okay, rate, rate me, tell me exactly what I did right, exactly what I did wrong.

They both gave me the same feedback, you know what I'm saying? So they both said exactly the same thing, which is kind of eerie, but then at the same time— What was it? That they both said that I don't know how to compromise, that I jump to negative conclusions.

Yeah, you're like, I wonder why. I don't know.

Um, that I should be more into sex. Oh my God. But it's not that I'm not into it. I don't know, I feel like I'm taking way too much, girl. But, um, no, like, I wouldn't say that, but I'm just saying, like, no, they really gave me— like, one of them said he really likes sex and he felt like I didn't really like sex, and the other one just felt like I didn't really— I wasn't really that into it. So I'm like Maybe I'm just not into sex, period.

You're like, maybe I'm not, maybe I have other things on my mind. Yeah, like you have kids, you have your work, you have your friends, you have stuff to be thinking about.

I was stressing really bad, girl, like literally like balding on my right side of my head stressing.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, barely have hair there, but I'm hanging on, you know what I'm saying? I got a little bit left that I can do a comb over on the side, so it's fine.

Well, you have a super cute haircut, which I love.

Oh, it's growing now, girl. We're not doing that haircut anymore, remember? Because you had the pixie cut.

Out of style.

Oh my gosh, you know what this, this girl told me the other day? She's a little girl, by the way. She's like, remember when you had the pixie cut? And I'm like, yeah. And she was like, not a good look for you. And I was like, how dare you? Yeah, I was like, that's like mean girl. You don't say that to people.

No, you don't.

He kind of hurt my feelings a little.

No, I'd be pissed too. How old is she?

Like 11.

Oh yeah, she could totally get punched.

I was like, oh my gosh. I was like, even though I totally agree with you, like, I get it, but you should not tell people that.

No, you shouldn't. Like, is it— was it my daughter?

No, gosh, no.

My daughter would say— and then anytime she says something crazy, people are like, yeah, she's your kid. I'm like, what?

I know that is something Lily would probably say, but you know what though, probably not. Lily really likes to like be super sweet, give compliments all the time, which is awesome. That's why I love taking her shopping with me. She's like, "Mom, that looks amazing on you." I'm like, "I can't tell if you're being real or not. Like, I don't know if I should buy this or not because can't tell if it's valid." Um, yeah, well, she seems quite like the fashionista.

If my daughter said something looked really good on me, I would know not to buy it.

No, she totally is the fashionista, but Okay, so back to dating. So you said you got ghosted. Is this after you asked for feedback or what?

You know, it's kind of weird. It's a little complicated on the second guy because I totally thought he was like the one, which is really weird because I don't know why he was supposed to be a one-night stand.

Oh my gosh. And then after that one night, you're like, he's the one or what?

No. And then after that one night, we had a two-night. So then he was officially not a one-night stand anymore.

Okay.

And then we had a 3-night—

Do you know what I think is funny is, so I totally was ghosted at one point too, obviously not recently, but a couple years ago. And, um, and then because for some reason, you know how iPhones just like recognize phone numbers?

Yeah.

Was it like, maybe?

Yeah, it was like, maybe Trevor or whatever his name was. And I was like, you have got to be kidding me. I was laughing for like 3 weeks afterwards and I would, like, show my friends and I'm like, all he wrote back to was, like, standard, like, high school answer, like, "Sup?" And I was like, "You know what, dude? Like, no, you ghosted me and now all you're saying is 'sup'?" Maybe Trevor, you know, like, "No, get out of here." The sad thing is, girl, I didn't know how to handle it so I Googled, "What do you do if you get ghosted?" Yeah, I mean, what do you do? What did Google say?

Well, Google, you know, I'm like, I love reading stuff about relationships because I know that I'm like, I kind of, I'm a fuck-up when it comes to one. Trust me, I can give the best advice, but I cannot preach my shit. I'm like, I do the exact opposite.

I feel like that's all of us.

Oh my God, but I'm like 10 times, I'm like really bad. Actually, I know a girl that's 10 times worse than me. Like, you tell her like, don't text him, and she will like show up at his house.

Oh gosh, sometimes you just gotta do it. I know, it's funny.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, girl, you— I can't. Like, when I tell people stories about my dating life, they think I'm so animated. I'm like, I can't— I'm not making this shit up. Like, this shit is real life. Like, some of the shit that happens, I'm like, I am not making this up. This really happened to me.

Do you go into dating with two kids? Do you say it like straight up, like, listen, I have two kids?

No.

Or do you wait?

Um, I mean, no, I think they— I tell them it's like about me. Tell me about yourself. It like falls in the about me category. I'm like, I have two kids.

And do you date guys who have kids as well?

So funny, because I would prefer a guy without kids.

You're like, you need to love me and everything that comes with me.

But see, I dated a guy once that had a kid and I just could not stand it. See, I can't stand other people's kids. Oh my gosh, is that bad? Like, you know, like other kids— like kids, but like other people's kids annoy me, and then I know that my kids annoy other people, you know what I mean? It's like, right, tolerated my kids, like I don't need to tolerate yours, right?

No, I get it.

Yeah, like my kids annoy me, and I could tell moments— like I could see it in people, like when my kids are annoying them, but I'm like immune to it, you know what I mean? Like, I'm used to it, right?

Because they're your kids. Yeah, yeah.

So when other kids come in doing the same shit that my kids do, I am annoyed. I'm like, I'm not immune to you doing it, right?

You're like, why are you tattletaling? Not up for this. Not, not, not about it when my kid does it, not about it when you do it.

Well, I dated this guy who had a kid and he was like a single dad, and I felt weird. I felt like I wasn't being genuine. With his kid. Like, I was super nice to his kid, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

But I was like, God, if I married this guy, like, am I really gonna have to like be this nice to his kid? Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm nice to my kids, but like not that nice. Like, oh wait, if they get on my nerves, I'm like, stop it, or shut up, you know? Like, you know what I mean?

Like, yeah, I would feel comfortable doing that with somebody else.

I wouldn't feel comfortable saying that to somebody else's kid just because, you know, it's so weird.

That's—

it's just weird. I get a weird feeling. Like, if a guy— okay, this is gonna sound messed up— if the kid was white and the man was white, and I think that's what had— I know that sounds really messed up. I just— I think, like, this is why I don't date outside my own race anymore, because I just felt really unrelatable.

Really?

Yeah. And then I dated two Black men this year, and I felt like, oh my God, you get me.

But then they ghosted and had really bad feedback.

Both of them gave me the bad feedback, but about myself, they gave me feedback and I totally saw that it was me. Like, I could literally hear myself in my head like, don't do it, Sabiba, don't do it, and then I do it, you know what I mean? You know, like that, that inside you're like, don't you dare go crazy on him for no reason, but I'm like, but I'm going to.

I think that's just a woman thing, maybe.

Um, Well, how are women married then if it's just a woman thing? Because I'm like, look, if everybody keeps telling me like, oh yeah, we all do it, okay, then how come 90% of my friends are married? That's— we all do it.

And men are different, obviously, and men are just able to like deal with it, which is funny though because I feel like if it was the opposite way, you know, like men doing that, going like shit on a woman, we'd be like, uh-uh.

Yeah, isn't that weird?

Yeah, but I don't know, they must be stronger in that area. They're like built for it.

If a guy did that to me, I'd be like, "Oh, you're abusive." Right, do not talk to me that way. If I did, I'd be like, "I'm just insecure." I know, it's kind of funny how that happens.

But okay, so you said that you're not gonna be— you're not swiping right now.

Oh no, I stopped swiping a while back.

So are you still trying to meet guys on the app or are you trying to meet them in real life or WhatsApp?

I've been sending them all to 2019. Well, in 2019, it doesn't have to be like January.

I'm saying January though.

Oh sure, I mean, yeah, I think January will work for me. I've been telling them after February 1st.

You're like, give it, give it 3 months.

Somebody asked me like, why February? And I said, you know, January is a new year and I just want to get a little more situated with the year, and then I feel like February will be a good time to start.

No, I hear you. No, that's totally true. So what about— so you're loving your jobs, you, you're working 2 jobs, or starting now you're working 2 jobs, right?

Correct.

And, and you love— work's going well. I know that when we work together, were you working multiple jobs at the time, or was I just working multiple jobs at the time? You were going to school.

Yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep. I think you were working all the jobs for us at the time. You had like 5 of them.

I was like, what?

I was literally losing my mind. I had like schedules all over the place, like in my phone, in my— on my desk, like hanging up on my fridge. I was— I couldn't even take a second to breathe. I was hopping from one job to the next, just crazy. But you just do, you just do what you need to do, you know what I mean? Like that's why I think I just I connected with you because you're always just like so upfront and honest and you were like, "I'm going to school, I'm doing this, I'm looking for this," you know, and I just love that about you.

Yeah, men loved me, they just— I felt like they loved— they desired me but didn't want to keep me.

Didn't want to keep you? You're just busy, they couldn't keep up.

Well, you know, that's a perfect answer for somebody that just— that's like a nice answer. But really, it's like I was the lunatic girl. I was like the person you didn't want to see. I mean, I'm completely aware of my flaws to the point where I fix them. I fix them and I'm ready for a relationship. Like, I'm— I have taken all the feedback, I have reviewed it, I figured out ways to fix it, and I'm like, all right, I'll compromise. All right, I won't jump to negative conclusion. Okay, I'll give you your space. All right, I'll have my own life. That's pretty much what they want, so that's what I'm doing.

Right. No, and you know, I was just talking to somebody about this a few days ago. They were asking, or they were, you know, talking about how they were in a relationship and they questioned. And I was like, you know what, every time that I was in a relationship and questioned, it was, it was always the wrong one. Because you wouldn't really be questioning if it was the right thing.

What do you mean?

Like, it happens.

Like, if it was the right person Yeah, if it was the right person.

Like, as soon as Kurt— well, I had known Kurt, but as soon as he came back into my life, it was not even a question. It was like, boom, like, it came on strong and I was like, yep, like, he's, he's my one, he's my soulmate, he's the one I've been, you know, waiting for and being prepared for, for this whole time. Oh yeah, there was like not even a question. And I felt like with anybody else, because I've dated a lot of people because I was like, I need to know, I need to like because I love everybody. I would meet somebody and be like, oh my gosh, love this person, they're so great. Um, and so it took me a while. I had to date people to be like, oh, you know what, I like you, but I don't think that I could like spend my life with you. And especially once you have kids, you have to think about that too, which you're familiar with. I mean, you have to think about who you want to introduce to your kids. Yeah, don't you? Consideration? I'm sure you do.

Fuck yeah. Yeah, like, is— I, I totally do. I just, I run into situations where the guy is really hesitant, and here's why. I feel like it's because I have— I've only had 2 boyfriends my whole life, just FYI.

And those are the kiddos' dads?

Yeah, like, those are the only boyfriends I've had my whole life. Boyfriends, you know, like an exclusive relationship.

Yeah, I didn't know that.

Yeah, so everybody else, girl, I mean, is either didn't go any further than a couple of lunch dates, dinner, or didn't go any further than sex, to be honest with you. I mean, I don't— and that's because I put myself in that situation. I pretty much asked for it because I didn't set boundaries and I didn't set standards down for myself or for them. And but the ones where I'm like, oh, I'm starting to like them, I start off so bad. Remember I just told you about the one where I was like, oh, it was supposed to be a one-night stand, I kind of messed it up. But, um, one of the things that I felt about him was he was really hesitant about me having kids because he didn't have any. And he would ask me questions. He didn't bluntly like just say, you know, I don't feel comfortable because you have two kids, or I don't see myself with somebody with two kids. He just said to me things like, you know, "What's your relationship like with the father of the—" you know what I'm saying? Or, "How often do you talk to the fathers?" or, you know what I mean? Like, things that I'm like, "Why is that?" Right. "Why is that your concern?" but I suppose it would be his concern ultimately then.

Right, yeah, I never looked or thought about it from their perspective but I had liked this guy a few years back, and we had hung out several times. I really liked his personality. Um, and he one day— because I was like, you know what, you just need to be like straight up with me. Like, I have a kiddo, this is what I'm looking to do, this is how I want to build my future. Uh, how does that, you know, compare to yours? And he was like, you are a super amazing woman, but like there is not a future with you because you have a kid. And at first I was like, how dare you? Like, super offended. And then I was like, you know what, that is totally fair for him to say. And I'm glad that he said it right up front instead of waiting, you know, like a year, because then I would have been batshit crazy, girl, you know? Right. But yeah, I had but it, it was kind of like— I wish more guys were like that. Oh yeah, and it was like a stab in the gut at first because I was like, how could you not love my baby, you know, as much as I do? But I mean, even like you said, like, you love your own kids, and I mean, you can, you can love other people's kids too. Like, I definitely, I love kids, I totally do, but it's different. And so I was just glad that he was able to be upfront.

Yeah, and I— and not everybody's so open. I think the person has to be very open, and they just have to have a really open heart. And then one thing is, people love differently too. Like, I noticed that about some of the guys that I select. Some of them are not lovers, they're survivors, you know what I mean? Like, they grew up differently, so to them, they show love differently. Like, I'm just like, ugh, I've been choosing the wrong— if there's a guy out there for me, like, God is making him right now. Because I don't know, not— I mean, he's not born right now, like I'm not gonna be a cougar or anything. I meant like it just has to be somebody that's very patient, and I totally micromanage my life. And that's another thing that I kept getting feedback was I'm very controlling, but it's like I control— like I, they— I expect them to be available because they don't have kids when I'm available because I have kids. Right. And I'm like, oh no, absolutely. Are you available in there or not? And I'm like, oh, what the heck, what do you have to do, right?

You're like, I literally have from 5:30 to 7:30 slot time open. Either let's date or let's not. Break time. Let's hear a little about our sponsor. All right, let's get back to Z.

Like, I'm practicing this whole like no sex thing, and I, and I don't want to be intimate because I feel like my loyalty begins at intimacy, you know? And because of that, we— I end up being on two different pages with a man, so I feel like I'm now on another step where he's just in the first step. And so that miscommunication or misunderstanding is what causes a lot of the conflict, you know, because I've now— I'm loyal to you because I was intimate with you, and so I expect you to be loyal to me. But technically they're not obligated to me because we have not set that, you know what I mean? Like those— oh yeah. So that's where I, I've realized is my problem with dating is when sex gets involved, things get very complicated. So I've made this promise to myself and I've been staying true to it now for the last 5 months that I will not be in any type of intimate relationship with a man unless I know that this is an exclusive relationship, that the loyalty is mutual, because otherwise I'm like, almost like a crazy, like, get a restraining order type of person. So like, I'm like, to avoid that, to avoid restraining orders, I'm like, you know what, let me do what's best for me and my body and my mind and be— just get to know somebody. Like, I'm so ready for that. I'm— my mind is ready for that. And I'm just in such a positive— I'm in such a positive place because I make myself, you know, be in a positive place. It's all about the thought process. Oh yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, and I think— I really do know, like, once you get boundaries for yourself, it's, it's a game changer.

Oh girl. And, and the weird thing is now I'm getting hit on all the time. Like, people keep asking me out on dates. I'm like, nope, I've told myself not until 2019, so if you really are interested, you'll wait.

Oh yeah, heck yeah. Yeah, I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, I have a couple of them still still waiting. I'm like, dude, are you really? Okay.

You're like, I'll pencil you into my agenda next year, February.

One of the guys actually reached out to me and said, I know you said not until 2019, but I was wondering if maybe we could take this time to get to know each other until then. And I said, well, that's the point of dating is to get to know each other. So I will get to know you when I'm ready to get to know you. So nah. Nope, not today, buddy. Take a number. Not today.

Oh my gosh. So now that you're done with school, I mean, how did you juggle that? How did you juggle school, working, kids, dating? Like, how did— how did you do that?

Um, you know, it's so funny when people ask me that, I give them this answer, like, I was like very determined, you know? And once I set myself— my mind to something, it gets done. But my biggest motivation was actually, uh, my— a relationship that I was in a long time ago, you know, and it was like a really bad one, like it was a very abusive one. And that person used to put me down all the time, like tell me that I was nothing, I was gonna be nothing. And I literally did all that and I just set myself— like just set my mind to it just to prove to them that I wasn't what they said I was, you know what I mean?

Yeah. And so that was like my muse, like that pushed me.

Like that literally pushed me. And getting my bachelor's degree was harder than getting my master's degree. I think my bachelor's degree, I told myself I was 26 years old when I went back to get my bachelor's degree or when I went to get a bachelor's degree, period, actually. And I told the advisor, you know, like the— what are they called? Like the— what are they called? Like the, the people who— your financial advisor, admissions counselor. Yeah. I told her that I was going to graduate with my bachelor's by the time I was 28. And I was 26 at the time. And this was August of 2014. And she told me that that would be impossible because I had 120 credits to get.

Oh my gosh.

And she was like, you can't do 120 credits in less than 3 years. And I said, but I can. And so I made this plan. And I told her this is how I was going to do it. And the plan ended up being a lot harder than I thought. So what I did was I started paying out of pocket for classes at USF, and I was taking classes at Killian, and then I transferred them all to USD. So I literally went to 3 different schools in less than 3 years, and I graduated with my bachelor's at 28. Look at you kicking ass. Yeah, girl, it was— it took a lot. It took a lot because I had to do a couple appeal letters. I had to appeal with the school because I transferred in so many credits to USD that they were like, yeah, You transferred in 80% of your credits when we can only accept 50.

So I— and you were like, no.

Yeah, I was like, no, boo, you're not about to mess up my plan. I need to graduate by the time I'm 28. And I appealed the crap out of it. And I got through. And then I was like, okay, well, when I was getting my bachelor's, I was like, I'm gonna have a master's by the time I'm 30. And boom, I got a master's by the time I was 30.

I love it. You're so inspiring. I like think about— because I go back randomly every now and then. I'm like, yeah, I'll take a few classes here and there, and then in the middle of it I'm like, why did I do this? Like, it's, it's hard.

It really is. You know, there was a point where I was taking 7 classes and I— oh my gosh— and I had 2 jobs and I didn't eat. We didn't have supper at my house Monday through Friday for 2 months. And I literally didn't buy groceries for 2 months because that's when I was in the classes, you know. And so I wasn't home. Yeah, I was— I'd drop off the kids at 8 o'clock, they'd be at daycare, my mom would pick them up. I'd pick them up when I got done with my last class, which was at about 8:30 at night. I'd pick up my kids and I'd go home. I like literally barely saw my kids. Like, that's something that I did sacrifice when I was getting my bachelor's. It's my time with my kids. But I was like, in the end, it's going to be worth it, you know? It's going to be worth it. They just, they just got to put up. And so I, I sacrificed a lot of things, like not going out. That was something I didn't do when I was getting my bachelor's degree. I hardly went out. I can't even remember when I went out. Um, so I didn't make any time from friends because I'm like, I got to make those times for my kids. Um, and I had to work, obviously. And it was just like, the funny thing is like, my skin was really clear at the time. You think it would be like really bad, and I went through all that with the clear skin. As soon as I graduated with my master's and I I was finally done, then I started breaking out. I think I like hit this— I think I hit this like, what, what now? You know, what am I gonna do now? Like, I'm officially done with school, like, what's the plan now, right? And the last year and a half has been the most stressful part of my life, I would say, in the last— I mean, all of my life, in all of my life, the last year and a half have been the most stressful.

So because you sacrificed all of that and friends and your kids, how is your— like, do you have super close friends that helped you through it or how did that go?

Yeah. You know, I had a group of friends that, you know, if I look back to 2016 and I look at the group of friends that I had then and I look at the group of friends that I have now, I don't have any of the same friends. Um, as far as like the close ones that I had, you know what I mean? Yeah. And I realized that we just weren't— we were— I mean, there's really growth, and some people just don't grow, you know what I mean? And I felt like I wanted so much more for my life, and, um, I wanted somebody to motivate me. And I felt— you become a product of your environment. That is so true when they say that. Or you are the average of the 5 people that you hang out the most with, you know what I mean?

Oh yeah, absolutely. I just felt like content.

I felt like not so inspired anymore. I didn't have that muse. Like, I graduated with my master's and I'm like, now what? And then I was getting to that content, like, stage of my life. And then I'm like, that's because everybody around me is content. Everybody's like just chilling. We're— why are we talking about reality TV? Like, I don't care. Let's talk about current events. Like, what's happening in this world? Like, what impact does it have? It was just like two different mindsets. And then I just wanted genuine positive people around me, and I felt like I was being negative and that I was like pretty much sucking that negative energy into myself and exert it, like just bringing out that negative energy back into everybody else. And I'm just like, no, this isn't what I want. And so slowly, like, I mean, the closest friends— I'm talking about friends from like 6th grade— just slowly started cutting them off, girl, and not even looking back. I'm like, bye.

Bye-bye. You just get to a point, you just get to a point though, and you're just like, I can't have you in my life anymore. It's dragging me down, it's sucking my energy, and I'm ready to be and do way bigger things. Seriously.

And I think sometimes we get like, our friends become our identity, you know what I mean?

Oh yeah. And so it's easy.

I didn't feel like that, girl. I was like, bye, Felicia. Her name wasn't really Felicia, but bye.

Yeah, I got it. See ya. No, I totally had— I went through that probably around the same time you were going through that a couple years ago. I had a few friends that were just— and I think that for me, because I mean, I've definitely made mistakes before and hurt people in my past, but for the most part, I feel like I have never been like a hurtful or mean or a vindictive friend. Like, when it comes to my friendships, I feel like I'm fiercely loyal, and I love my friends. And, uh, so when a friend is not the same to me, it, it literally like devastates me. And so I, I just had to get to the point where I was like, you know what, I'm gonna stop putting all of my time and energy into people who don't reciprocate that. And now I only have like 3 friends. And you know what, it's better that way because I know that I can count on those people no matter what. And I don't have to worry. And I just felt like it was 7th grade all over again, like going to school and being like, oh my gosh, is Amy gonna be mad at me today? Did I say something that— you know, it's, it's just bullshit to happen when you're almost 30. No thank you.

I'm already in my 30s, but yes, yes, let me tell you, I am a very loyal person. I'm just a loyal person in general. And I mean loyal to relationships, loyal to my friends, and I want the same back. So when I don't get that back, if I know that I'm going to go out of my way for you and you don't do that for me, I do hold a little bit of a grudge, but I don't say anything and I just let it accumulate. Finally, I'm like, you know what, I'm not getting what I'm giving in this. So I just— it, it hurts because it's like a breakup, you know what I mean? It's not like I'm like— it totally is, you know.

You have to like grieve it. You have to grieve the process. And I've never met a male who has felt that same way about friends. Like, they are super easy to just be like, oh yeah, don't care anymore, like, we're done, just don't even talk about it. But with me, I'm like, oh my gosh, we haven't talked in like 6 months and it's because she said this. And they're like, what? Like, why are you even worried about it? I'm like, I don't know, because we've been friends since we were 12.

I don't know, it's— no, it's different.

I feel like I'm like more emotional about it.

I totally get that. I just had a friend that was a really good friend and I still care about her and she— we're just not friends anymore but I'm not bothered by it, like, it was— I'm not bothered that we're not friends anymore, I feel like just positive things have been happening since, you know, it was like a heavy burden just lifted off my shoulders, I'm like, "Okay, good." You were kind of probably the last thing that was left for me to detach from because it was just too stressful for me to to question your loyalty constantly, and it's best this way. I think it's best for her too that we're not friends anymore. But you know what, girl, I'm gonna have to just replace her as a bridesmaid.

I'm like, I really feel though, like, if you get that feeling of relief, then it was obviously the best decision, you know, with anything in life.

No, I, you know, like, I have like a whole new roster for bridesmaids now. I'm like, oh, we're gonna have to start over.

How big is your roster, like 20 people?

Um, no, my rock just crossed them off the list slowly. Yeah, there's like 6 people, and luckily I have siblings and cousins, so I'm like, oh good, I don't have to worry about like just in case. But yeah, no, and I've already like— I've already— I mean, because you know I'm gonna meet my future husband in 2019. Yes. And, um, I'm gonna get knocked up in 2020. I want a baby so bad.

We don't even have to get married. Come take mine.

Oh my God, I want a baby so bad.

Come take mine for the night. He's teething right now and he's like not sleeping. He fights it so hard. So he'll nap for like 20 minutes and then he'll just wake up and he'll just be like a monster, just blah. And I'm like, oh buddy.

Well, everybody in my family is having baby right now, babies right now. So my aunt just had a baby last Tuesday, my other aunt just had a baby September 22nd, and then she had a baby last year September 17th, and then my cousin just had a baby 6 months ago. So there's 4 babies in the last year, you know? Yeah. And all here. And so it's your time. Well, you know, and one of them was the 6-month-old was teething really bad and the mom was like kind of just a little overwhelmed. And I was like, you know what, I got this. So I took the baby on a drive, a very long drive, girl.

I love that. Does it scare you at all to think that you'd be literally starting completely over? Because how old is your youngest? 9?

Almost. Yeah, it is kind of scary to think that, but then I'm like, this is a perfect age, you know, they'll babysit for me.

You're like, oh, this is great, this is actually perfect timing. I know, it's super cute. At first I was a little bit worried about it just because Lila is a 6, but she has been so helpful. And I mean, she loves to like entertain him and carry him around and help dress him and change him and I love it. It's such a fun age difference.

And my daughter is finishing up her last year of elementary, so she's getting to that— she's like getting to this age of like, we're almost the same height, so I feel like I'm dealing with another me. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't know if she's going through puberty or what's happening right now, but she's kind of a feisty one. But she— both of my kids are totally on board with me having another baby. They really want it to happen.

Oh, I'm like, can I— you're like, okay, we'll plan for it, right? You're like, we'll plan for that, we'll manifest the man, we'll manifest the baby, it's all gonna happen. The man is gonna happen because I have—

I've taken all the feedback and I'm totally going to completely just change how I do relationships, how I do dating.

I love that you're like taking data, like you're like, okay, I'm analyzing this, we're gonna change this, we're gonna have the stats go way up.

Well, you know, that's like majority of what I studied in my master's was macro social work, so it was like— just comes naturally. Yeah, research, statistics. And I'm like— and I do like looking into that, the probability that, you know, especially in Sioux Falls, there's a— if you look at middle class, upper class, middle class white men, yeah, 48% would never— no, I'm sorry, 48— 52% would never marry a Black woman, but they would get with one. 48% would marry a Black woman. So then when I meet a white man, I'm like, there's like a 50% chance you don't actually want to marry me.

You're like, so I'll just take my free meal. We'll be done after that.

I'm like, at this point, you got your date. That's what you wanted. I'm sure it's like— I think it's like a fetish thing, but I do. I'm like, you got to date a Black woman, so—

oh my goodness. Well, I love you. I'm so glad that you took the time to chat with me. Well, thanks. I love catching up. Yeah, of course. Oh my goodness, she always makes me crack up. It's always a treat to chat with Missy. All right guys, are you still searching for gifts? We're only 2 weeks away from Christmas. Are you wanting to rep some merch for the podcast? I know there is someone in your life who needs a cute coffee mug or gorgeous woven tapestry. Check out MW Projects.

What's up everybody, this is Maya from the MW Projects wishing you all a happy holiday. I wanted to give you a quick update and let you know that Kristjana Hillberg and I have officially teamed up and I now stock the I Don't Like to Bullshit mug. You can check that out on my Etsy page, and on there you will also find Christmas ornaments, Christmas ornament sets, mugs, and new weaves that make great Christmas gifts for the people in your lives or for you. And remember, if you like something that you see but want it tweaked, let me know! I do custom orders, too. And if you need additional information, you can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Etsy as The MW Projects, and let's get connected. But for now, Merry Christmas, and let's get back to the rest of the podcast.

So glad you listened today. Can't wait to share my guest with you next week. You are going to love him. Ciao!