Self-Care as a Mom, Daughter, Wife, Entrepreneur...

Welcome to my podcast, The Girl with the Red Door. I'm Kristjana Hillberg, your main host. You'll get to hear from people who divulge real and raw experiences on all different topics. I don't like to bullshit, so here we go. Alright, you guys, last week I I found myself wanting to just rant to you guys about something that was going on in my life, but I remembered my saying, I don't like to bullshit. So I looked up on Urban Dictionary the definition of bullshitting. Here it is: when someone has no fucking clue what they're talking about yet insists on trying to get others to believe him or her. So luckily I am not a bullshitter, thank heavens, and I will probably start doing a small little rant at the beginning.

Yay!

We go one week without talking and then just so much has happened in that time. And really starting off this brand new year 2019 with New Year's resolutions, even though I told you last episode I'm not really those, but since Kurt and I have a big year coming up, we made a couple together. And yeah, I just think that ranting sometimes is good. It's good for the soul, and hopefully somebody listening will be able to relate. Okay, so you guys know how social media works. If you're following somebody and they like a post sometimes it shows up in your feed. So this is how I found my guest today. One of my friends follows her online boutique, and so I of course clicked on the image and just immediately just fell in love with all of her clothes and all of her posts. Hello!

Hello!

Hi, how are you?

I'm good, how are you? Good.

I thought I sent the link like 8 minutes ago, so I was literally just sitting here like waiting and waiting, and then I was so glad you texted because I was like, oh shit, I didn't go through.

I was, I was hoping it didn't break or I broke it or something.

Well, thank you so much for meeting with me. I'm so excited about this.

I'm so excited too. I've never done anything like this, so mostly nervous, but I'm really excited too.

Oh my gosh. Well, first I just want to tell you, I can't even remember how I found your Instagram page. I think it was through, um, Shop Morning Goldie. Oh yeah, Morning Goldie. And I literally like fell in love with everything. I was like showing my husband, I was like, I need this, I need this, I need this. And he was like, oh my gosh, Chris, that's hilarious. I know, I'm like, this rainbow shirt, it just makes me feel so happy. And anyway, I just, I absolutely love it. So I want you to tell me, like, how you got into it.

Um, I followed a few online boutiques, and seriously, just one day I was sitting on the couch and I was like, hmm, I think I'm gonna open a clothing boutique. So all I did was, like, Googled, like, the legal part of it, you know, like the name and business, blah blah blah. But, um, Yeah, I was seriously just sitting on the couch and I was like, I think this is my new dream. I think this is what I want to do. So I just like, it was so weird because everything just like came together like so quickly, like once I just made the decision that I was going to open a boutique. Yeah, I don't know, it was just so weird.

That is so awesome. And I feel like anytime that something just falls into place, you're like, it's meant to be.

Yeah, um, I, I do a lot of self-help books, um, and podcasts and stuff like that. And so, yeah, a lot of manifestation stuff. And so it just went super quick, but like right now I'm kind of like stuck. Like the universe is like, are you sure you want to do this? Are you sure you can do this? So I'm like trying to push through that weird— I don't know, do you know what I'm talking about? It's like I feel like the universe is like trying to make me try to test it. I really want it. Yeah, so I'm like at that weird point, but at the beginning it was super easy, super quick. Everything just fell into place. But I wish I could— no, I— right now, right?

No, I love that. And it's— I'm the same way. I literally will just be sitting there and like come up with an idea, be like, okay, I'm doing it today, it needs to like happen today.

Yeah, I totally understand.

So I try not to. I do that with like getting my hair cut too. I'll just be like, oh, I think today is the time to like get a pixie cut. Let's just get—

oh my gosh, I love that. Yeah, the other day I— my hair is like, I don't know how long my hair is, like to my shoulders. And I told my husband, I was like, I'm like going through a midlife crisis. I want to chop it all off, make it blonde, and then dye it pink. And he's like, no, I don't think so. I'm like, okay, maybe I'll wait a few days and then Yeah, you're like, I'll sleep on it, I'll think about this, I'll sleep on it. That's so funny.

No, I've seen that happening. I've seen several girls do that lately, like just over Facebook or Instagram, and I'm like falling in love with it too. So girl, I get you because I've been there. I'm like, oh, I think I'll just do that next week.

That's awesome.

I know. So gosh, I'm just like, there's so much to talk about. I know we talked about— there's one thing I definitely wanted to hit was Okay, we were talking about Christmas gifts for our kids and like— okay, I can't remember how old and how many kids do you have?

Um, I have a little girl who's just turned 3 and then a little boy who's like just over 18 months.

Oh my God, they're pretty little, close in age.

Yeah, I know, they're like a year and 8 months apart. The second one wasn't planned, but the first one was.

So how old— I'm like, walk me through that. So how old was your daughter when you found out you were pregnant? Like 9 months?

I'm not sure. The only thing I remember specifically was when he was born, she was a year and 8 months. That's the only math I remember. Okay, so I can't do math very good, but yeah, she wasn't very old, so Yeah, it was a surprise.

But did that keep you— oh, I'm sure. Well, yeah. Did that just keep you so insanely busy? Like, what were you doing at the time? What were your thoughts and feelings?

Um, oh my gosh, my life is really— well, it used to be really complicated. Um, should I go back a little bit?

Yeah, let's just start from the beginning.

Okay, so, um, I was married in let's see, the beginning of 2011. And I don't know, it's just a really toxic marriage, not only on his part but mine. It was like 50/50. We just were really young, we're only 19 years old, um, very selfish. I'm not sure, but we ended up getting a divorce, uh, 2 and a half years later, which was It was my decision, but I felt like I couldn't move on with my life because he was, he was like kind of stuck, you know, like, I don't know, he just wasn't going anywhere. And I know that's really terrible to say, but I always have to be moving forward. Like if you're not moving forward, you're moving back, you know?

Absolutely.

So we got a divorce, but we could never stay away from each other. Like we'd always get back together and then we'd break up cuz we were still the same people, you know?

Mm-hmm.

And it's so weird because I actually just— we got married again in the beginning of January.

Uh-huh.

I know that is so weird, but we are two completely different people. Like, it's not perfect, obviously, because marriages never are, but we are in such a better place where, I don't know, it just like fell into place. Mostly I think it had to do with our two kids because we had our two kids in between, you know, and that was really hard and Um, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, so our little girl— we weren't married and we were just dating, and we just decided that we wanted a baby. We thought a baby would fix everything. No, it did not fix everything. Kind of made things a little worse for our relationship, but we still were trying our best, you know, to be good parents or whatever. And then we had our second one. Um, that was not planned, but I don't know. I feel like our kids really brought us together, not just because, like, you know, when people only stay together because of our kids, I feel like it gave us more of an opportunity to, like, make it work. If that makes sense.

Okay. Yeah.

But, um, what was your question? I'm so terrible.

I'm like, I even forgot my question. Let's, we're just chatting about all the things.

Yeah. Yeah, um, I don't know, our kids really, I think, pushed us to make things work, and then they just organically just— everything just fell back together, and we were different, and we were working on ourselves, and I don't know.

Had you guys— had you guys been together for a long time, like in high school, or did you guys meet in college?

Um, we met like the— let's see, like 6 months after we graduated. But the funny thing was, um, I actually had a crush on his friend, and I was hanging out with both of them, and I didn't like him at all. Like, he was really, really funny, but I was like focused on his friend, you know? And then once I realized his friend was not a good person, I was finally able to see him differently, you know? And so I started having feelings for him little bits at a time. He was like, he really wanted to date me, but I wasn't there yet. I know that's like so mean and he hates it, but it took me a while to realize how special he was. But, um, I don't know.

I know, I feel like that, I feel like that's happened to all of us. Like at some point we're dating, yeah, somebody, and then we're like, oh, actually I like your friend, I changed my mind.

So it's like really weird when people are like, how did you meet? And I'm like, Weird story.

Oh my goodness. Okay, so you guys have two kiddos, and do you live in the same state that you guys grew up in, or did you guys move away?

Um, he— so we live in Preston, Idaho, where Napoleon Dynamite was filmed.

Oh my gosh, I love it.

But I know, so he was born and raised here. I was actually born in California And then when I was 5, I moved to Arizona, and then we moved to Idaho in 2017. So I've kind of been all over the place, but I've been here in Idaho since 2000— wait, not 2017, 2007. Sorry. So it's been over 10 years that I've worked here.

But so you're an Arizona girl? Where did you grow up in Arizona? That's where I grew up.

Oh really?

Yeah.

Uh, Gosh, Mesa, Chandler, and Gilbert.

Okay, so the valley. Yeah, I grew up like up north in a small town.

Like way up north?

Yeah, so I lived about an hour east of Flagstaff.

Oh yeah, did you have snow up there too?

You know, like we got snow sometimes, but like rarely. It was so funny. So I like— I grew up in Colorado for a little bit until I was 10, and then we moved to Arizona, which is where, you know, I lived for the rest of my life. And when I was 20— well, I the next part of my life. And then when I was 20, I moved to South Dakota, which is so funny because I feel like people from South Dakota usually move to Arizona, like, to get out of the cold.

Oh God.

And so I got that all the time. Like, people would be like, wait, like, you grew up in Arizona and you moved here? Why?

That is crazy.

So I moved to South Dakota because my uncle was actually, um, he was really sick at the time and he was on the heart transplant list. And so he was like driving back and forth to, to Minnesota constantly. So when you're on the heart transplant list, whenever they have a heart or whenever, you know, somebody comes in, then you, you could be a match. And so then you just kind of go and see if— oh, well, I, as I'm talking about it, I'm like, I'm probably not describing it correctly and he'll probably— no, I think it's not true at all. But you know what I'm talking about.

Okay.

Yeah. So moved to South Dakota, and I had never really seen like a ton of snow before. Like, I had obviously seen snow, I knew that it was cold, whatever, but not real snow, right? But not real snow. And I also didn't know about like freezing your face off weather. Like, I didn't know what like negative 20 was. Oh, and so yeah, like all I came to South Dakota with was like my Target jacket, you know, and like, oh my gosh, a cardigan.

And so terrible.

Yeah, it was awful. And I remember like we got— well, I thought we were like snowed in, like the whole town. I woke up and I was like, oh my gosh, this is awful. And I called my boss and I was like, there's no work today, right? And she was like, uh, can you shovel out your car? And I'm like, I don't know, like, I do even have a shovel. She was like, uh, yeah, you're— there is definitely work. And it was just like a complete culture shock. Like, I had to go and buy like outdoor gear, and I always freezing. And now I think, like, I go back to Arizona and I'm like, it's so hot here. Like, my body is so acclimated now.

So, so do you live in South Dakota now?

Yes. Yep, we live, um, in Rapid City, which is where, like, Mount Rushmore is.

That's crazy. That's so weird that you live in South Dakota because I have, um, a lot of relatives. Well, I haven't kept up with them, but they live on the, um I believe it's the Sioux Reservation. It's either Sioux or Lakota, I can't remember, but I have a lot of Indian heritage up that way, so that's crazy.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh my gosh, that is super awesome. I also— oh my, I don't even know why I'm telling this story, but it always reminds me when we talk about like the reservation. So when I was growing up, my dad was a police officer and he, he could speak Navajo fluently. And so we like lived on the reservation and he had been previously married to a Navajo woman. And so he had two older kids who were half Navajo. So my dad could speak it. I had two older half siblings and then we were living on the reservation. So I just assumed that like I was also a Native American. And in kindergarten, my mom got this call from my teacher and the teacher was like, Kristjana's tribal clothing is in. And my mom's like, what? Like, what tribal clothing? And she was like, well, she says that she's Native American, that her dad is Native American. And my mom was like, nope.

Oh my gosh, I know.

So I— so cute. I know, I just like, I love Native American culture, and I totally thought that I was Native American, like, for, you know, first part of my life.

Oh, that's hilarious.

I know, it is pretty funny. I love that story. Okay, back to— I'm like, the original, original question, talking about Christmas gifts and like how to teach your kids like the true meaning of Christmas. I'm like, yeah, it's so hard. And I've— this year has been the worst. Like, I could slowly feel myself the last few years just like being kind of Grinch-ish, but I feel like this year has been the worst because I'm like, you know what? And I actually just saw a meme the other day of someone saying like you shouldn't go bankrupt just to buy gifts for people. And a little bit— I can't even exactly remember what it was but I was like this is kind of how I'm feeling. Like I'm feeling like we're almost forced into buying gifts to show our love and I'm like that's not even my Love Language! That's nope... Not how I show loves.

La la la la la la la la la.

How do you feel about it?

I know exactly how you feel because me and my husband, he hates Christmas for that exact reason. Excuse me. He hates that now Christmas is like, if someone buys a gift for you, you gotta go out right now and buy a gift for them. It's not like— it doesn't come from your heart anymore. Like, I don't know. So we are not super well off, like for Christmas, we barely have enough money for our own little family, and that's most important to me. But my husband has, um, divorced parents, and I have my family, and so that would be 3 families including— well, 4 families including my grandparents and my family. So that's— no, just kidding, that's 5. Like, I cannot— I seriously just can't afford to buy everybody presents, and when we show up with no presents— not gonna name names, but some of my husband's family actually get really upset with us if we do not bring presents.

What?

Like, that is not what Christmas is about. Like, are you freaking kidding me? Like, we don't even want to go anywhere during Christmas now because it's like, if you don't bring presents, you're not celebrating Christmas. And it's like, that is not what Christmas is about. Are you kidding me? Oh my gosh, it makes me so upset.

I know, I was just— I, I went to this, um, like women in networking thing a couple days ago, and, um, I wasn't very outgoing, which I felt bad about afterwards. I was like, hi. The whole point of going to that thing was to like chit-chat with people, and I didn't chit-chat. Like, I just sat at my table. But anyways, um, we played this game where there was like 20 questions on the sheet, and it was like, if you have decorated your outside with Christmas decorations, like 5 points. If you have, you know, blah blah blah. And like the most points you could get was like 35, and I got like 5 out of everything. And everybody else, everybody else at my table had at least 17, and I had 5. And I was like, you know what though? I was like, I really do love Christmas. I was like, but my favorite part about Christmas, I'm like, is like singing carols and like sitting around my grandma's piano and all singing together or talking about, you know, like hearing her stories, you know, from when she was growing up or getting to see my brother, you know, just like little things like that. And I just feel like anymore it's just not like that at all.

It's not. And it's, it's just all about getting. And I, I don't know, me and my husband just really talk about this seriously, like, every day. Like, what are we gonna do with our kids? And, um, I can't remember the name of it. I think I might have talked to you a little bit about, um, that one lady that was like talking about what she does with her kids. And so this year I think we're gonna do— I did it anyways, I bought a bunch of presents, but I had goals this time. I didn't break the bank. I got something that they could read. I got them a few books. Um, I got like one main toy and then just stockings. And I think for the stockings we're gonna do Santa because at first I really just did not want anything to do with Santa and I really did feel like a Grinch and I didn't want to take away I don't know, that's— Santa's special. Like, when you remember when you were little, you were so excited about Santa and it was just so magical. I just didn't want to take all of that away. I know that's kind of weird, but I want them to have a little part of Santa just because it's kind of fun. But I don't want to— I don't know, I don't want him to be the main, the center of Christmas. I'm going to teach them the true meaning of Christmas. And I want to take them out and let them serve our community and our family and make something. Like, family loves when you make something for them, you know? They'll keep it forever.

Exactly.

I want to teach them real values. I'm sick of this present crap, you know? I know that's terrible, but I don't know, it's not about presents.

I know. I think that my mom— it's so funny, like, once you get older and become a mom yourself, you kind of look back at your parents, you know, and you have like a little bit are. Like, you know, I'm humbled now and I'm like, oh my gosh, like, I didn't realize that my mom like had her own life and I didn't understand like what she was going through, you know. And so I look back and, um, she became a single mom when I was 14. And I, I remember that Christmas, um, she just said, you know what, we're not buying anything, we're just doing homemade gifts this year. And so like, you can whatever you make, you know, you make something for your brother and he'll make something for you, and then I'll make something for the two of you, and like, that's it. And that was one of like the most special Christmases that we had. Um, and I also think I even just remember being younger and I'm— my parents were, you know, not very— didn't hardly have any money. And I remember it being so special. Like, our one big gift was like incredible. I mean, you literally waited all year for that gift. And when it was under your tree, it was like— I can't even describe the happiness. And I just feel like it's just not the same anymore because we're kind of an immediate society. So our kids want and we get. And so they get everything whenever they want most of the time, that it's hard to be like, you know, make it extremely, you know, as magical as it used to be 20 years ago, I guess.

So no, I understand. Yeah, the— my childhood was a little different because I was extremely— I was so spoiled. I like, when I have my little girl over at my parents and my mom like doesn't want to discipline her, I'm like, I'm sorry, I know you don't want to be the bad guy, but you need to make sure that she listens to what you say. And she's like, oh well, when you were little you're just so cute. I didn't discipline you at all. And I was like, oh, that makes a lot of sense why I'm so spoiled. So really what I'm trying to do is not do that. Like, I don't want them to be like— what's that kid's name on Harry Potter? Like Dudley, where he like— oh yeah, Dudley, the presents. And I'm like, no, I don't want my kids to be like how I was. Like, I was so spoiled. And my husband is very, very, very grounded and selfless and does everything for everybody else. And he's, you know, does something for himself— well, he really doesn't do anything for himself. So I really just tried to teach them how to be like their dad and give and serve. And I don't know, it's a learning process because he also is teaching me, you know. So I have to learn first and then teach them. But yeah, this year is just I feel like everybody's just trying to get out of that, like, nasty millennial mindset where everything needs to be handed to them and they're entitled and they deserve everything and they don't need to work for anything. But oh my gosh, it's so hard. You need to learn how to work for things and earn money. And I mean, I know they're little, but they're so smart.

Oh yeah, they're so smart. And You know, I've even been like upset a little bit with myself. Well, not upset, but just kind of like disappointed because I'll see something and I'm like, oh, I want that. And then I'll like put it in my shopping cart or like go to the website, put it in my shopping cart, and then I'm like, no, like this is no. Like especially right now, like just focus on somebody else. Like think about somebody else and buy something for somebody else. And then I'll like It's like I literally have like 2 people in my head and then the other one's like, well, but if you bought this though, like it would make you really happy wearing it. I just keep talking about the rainbow shirt you have because I'm like, seriously, every time I see it, I'm like, I need that shirt. It makes me so happy. And that's like, I need to be happy. So I got a rainbow shirt, which in turn will make me happy, which in turn will make me think of other people, right?

Oh my gosh, that's hilarious.

Is that a good train of thought?

Yeah, very good. It's just hard. Gosh. I, yeah, I feel like we just thought parenting was so easy when we're little, and then now we're like, crap, like, am I doing a good job, or am I just teaching them like all the bad things that they're not supposed to learn?

I know, I know, it's such a— it really is. I'm like, there's just no book in every parenting style. I mean, there's so many different parenting styles, and everyone was raised differently and has different experiences, and like certain things are important to that person. You know, that's not important to somebody else. And so I think it's so hard to— we just need to be so much kinder to each other because we're all in it together, even though we're not doing it the same.

I'm like, yeah, that's true.

Oh, bless you. Like, bless anyone. I— when I see moms now, like, I think when I was 18 and I would see moms in the store with like 4 kids, I'd be like, okay, like, out of control, you know?

Oh gosh, yes.

And now I see them and I'm like, oh my gosh, like Bless your heart, you are, you are doing so good. No matter what your kid is doing, those kids, just let them be crazy. But yeah, I don't even like— I don't even notice anymore when kids are like running around screaming. Like, I just—

you just tune it out. Second nature. Yes, totally. Oh gosh, I know.

I'm like, I don't even see that, especially when it's your own kid and they're like making a weird noise and like someone's looking at you and you finally are like, oh crap, like they've been whistling for 3 minutes. I didn't even notice anymore.

Yes, that happens all the time. Like, just for my sanity, sometimes when I— well, when I know that they're just whining and not really crying, I'll just like tune out. And I'm like, oh wait, they've been like whining for a really long time. Maybe I should see if they're okay. So terrible. But sometimes I know you just have to tune it out or you will go crazy.

You're like, I just need to take a shower. I'll just stand in the shower for 5 minutes. I'll get to you in 5 minutes.

That's so funny.

So earlier you said that you, um, have been reading like self-help books, and I do— I did notice that you listen to this one podcast. I can't remember what it's called, like The Girl— The Girl Kind or something like that.

Oh yes, Stephanie Dawn Elizabeth.

Yeah, how did you find it amazing?

Let's see. I think— do you follow, um, Kinsco World?

I don't think so.

She is the— do you follow Justin LaLa?

No.

Okay, well, first of all, send me all these things. Okay, they're, they're really the inspiration for why I started Cotton Up, because they're just like, create this community of like empowered women who like only bring each other up, never are like rude and bash each other, you know. And so really, um, oh, anyway, sorry. So Kins Co World is the graphic designer, web designer, all that stuff for Dress in Lala. And she's very— her clothes are very loud and very colorful, and they're just amazing and make you feel amazing. And you're not just buying clothes, you're like, I don't know, entering into this like girl-empowered community. So that's really what I'm trying to do. Kinsco, um, she— I think it was her— I think Stephanie Dawn Elizabeth was her mentor or something. I saw on her, um, Insta stories, and so I just like clicked on it and I started following her a little, little bit, and I wasn't really sure. Her posts were really, really deep, and it sounded like she was like getting over big something, and I wasn't really sure And so I like kept following her and her story, and she like recently called off her engagement, and I thought that was so crazy but so empowering. And so I just started following her, and I really haven't listened to a lot of podcasts, mostly because I don't have any time. Yeah, I started listening to her podcast, and oh my gosh, it's gonna make me cry. Something just amazing happened, like every single time I listen to her podcast. She does pep talks when it's just her talking about her life, and then she has other ones with guests. But the pep talks really just spoke to me on a deep, deep level. And every time I listened to them, I was just able to release all this nasty negative stuff that I had just been holding on for so long. So every time I would listen, I would cry, but it was a good cry, you know, when you just get rid of that nasty Baggage. And so I just was hooked. I just, I love her so much, and she is so, so, so sincere. Like, I have not met very many people in this world that you just feel like you have known them for years and years and years, and they care about every single thing that you have to say, you know? Like, that's how I want to be. Like, I want I don't want people to leave talking to me like feeling like crap. I want them to feel like they can do freaking anything that they can in this world. Gosh, it's making me emotional. Follow her for sure. She is amazing. But, um, yeah, I, um, do you know who Bob Proctor is?

Bob Proctor? No, I don't think so.

One of the big, um What is it, like self-help? Um, just like fixing yourself kind of and manifesting what you want out of this life.

Yeah, no, I have to look him up.

Yeah, look him up. My mom works for him, and so I was able to get one of his, um, programs that are pretty pricey, but since she works for him, I was able to get a handle on it, and it had sitting in my dresser for like, like 6 months, and it was just nagging and nagging and nagging me. Like, you know, when you know you have to do something, but like, I don't know if it's just like your mind just doesn't want to go through it because you know it's going to be hard, if that makes sense. Yeah, all this self-help stuff, it's freaking hard. Like, you have to dig deep, but in the end it's so rewarding to just change those things about yourself that you don't really like. And there are things that we don't like about ourselves. Like, I feel like I'm very selfish, so I try to work on that and staying positive. And gosh, it's so hard having kids, but— and a husband, and like all these responsibilities. But I feel like the more research you do on trying to fix yourself I don't know, it just— it's so rewarding. Have you ever heard of, um, Napoleon Hill?

That sounds familiar. Yes, seriously, you're gonna have to send me like an email full of all these things.

I will. Um, he wrote— he's written a lot of, um— is self-help the right word? Like, yeah, yeah, self-help. Okay. Um, a lot of, um, like They're mostly centered about making money, but that's not really the main purpose, if that makes sense. Like, one of his books are Think and Grow Rich, and I really didn't want to read it.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, that one is an amazing one, and I just didn't want to read it because I'm not, um, like obsessed with money. Like, obviously having a business, I need to make money, so I had to like get over that and have a good relationship with money. If that makes sense. But, um, that book is so empowering because it just kind of breaks through all the paradigms. Paradigms are like false things that you tell yourself over and over and over to the point where you believe it. Like, in my town, my town's so small, so businesses do not stay open for very long. That's a paradigm. That's completely true. If you want a successful business you can open a successful business. It's all in your mind, kind of, if I'm making any sense. But it just— oh yeah, it helps you break through all this hereditary stuff, things that your mom and dad have like told you over and over and over, and you think they're true, but they're, you know, really not true. Like, you have to figure out for yourself. Like, I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but Napoleon Hill is—

yeah, no, you are.

Um, another book by Napoleon Hill is called Outwitting the Devil. Oh my gosh, have you ever heard of that one?

I have— I haven't heard of that.

Oh my gosh, it's kind of weird. It's— oh, this is weird just saying this— it's him interviewing a devil. But that sounds really evil. But because Napoleon Hill is so in control of his mind and his thoughts. He doesn't let any, like, negative thing come into his mind. He was able— this is from his point of view, I'm not sure what's true, what's real, whatever— but in his book, he interviews the devil and finds out, like, what things the devil has a grasp on the world and all the negative things that you tell yourself that It's not even just like— let's see, I gotta make— I'm not making sense. Um, you'll have to read that book. It's really crazy. It really just kind of releases you from the grasp of the adversary and kind of lets you see things for how they really are and see the lies that you tell yourself that are not coming from God and they're coming from other sources that you kind of just want kick out of the forefront of your mind, you know, and just keep that positive vibe going. I don't know, you'll have to read it. It is so, so crazy. I know the title sounds so weird, but I don't know.

Wait, what was the title again?

The Devil—

Outwitting the Devil. Have you ever read the book, um, The Power of the Subconscious Mind?

I have not, but that sounds familiar.

I can't remember who wrote it, but one of my best friends, um, sent it to me as like a little gift one time, and I, I read it, and it's— it really is incredible. And I think with all the stuff that you, you've been talking about and, um, all the books and stuff that you're into, I think that you'd really love it. And I was just so touched when you did your story last week and— or whenever that was, a couple weeks ago— and talked about all the stuff that you were kind of going through and, and facing and getting rid of. And I too kind of, uh, had the same experience when I was little. And so, um, and I always, like, I had those exact same feelings and thoughts. And so, um, it took a long time, and I didn't uncover all of that until I like 2021. And then it's so hard to like go through it all, like when you're older, and just kind of like— it, it really does feel like you're like unpacking.

Yeah.

And you, you don't even really know where to put your stuff because you're like, gosh, I've been holding on to this for 20-plus years, like where does it go now?

That's such a good analogy. I've never heard of that before, but yeah, that is completely true. Oh my gosh, I I know.

So I, I was just so glad that you shared because I was like, you know, I wonder, and I think that there's so many people who go through really hard things and they just don't— we just don't talk about it.

I think that this generation, like our generation, is a little bit more apt to talking about it, just a little bit more than the older generations, because like the older generations don't want to say anything Nothing.

Oh yeah, they don't talk about anything.

No, they don't talk about anything. So I just feel like we need to show women, girls, boys too, men, that it's okay that bad things have happened to us or that we've done bad things because we're different people, you know. Like, if it was today, would you do that same thing? Hell no. Now that I have children it— I'm, I'm— this is weird. I'm grateful because if I was someone that didn't experience any of those things, I would not know the warning signs, you know. Now, exactly, all the time. Like, I remember, um, when we first moved here, there was this— excuse me— there's this— oh, maybe I shouldn't say this, but there's this guy in my church that I just did not get a good feeling from him. And I don't ever ignore my gut, but I wasn't sure what was going on. And I'm just like, oh my gosh, I think he's doing something inappropriate with, you know, his family members. And he went to prison a few years later because that exact thing was happening. And so now I'm like, I have children, I need to listen to my gut always. You know, find out—

oh, absolutely—

kids' friends' parents and what's going on with them, you know. Don't just like— like, it terrifies me seeing little kids just like going down the street by themselves doing whatever they want. Like, this is 2018. It's not really the safest place to be anymore, you know. So I feel like I can protect my kids like way easier than someone who really doesn't know any of the warning signs of sexual abuse or anything like that, if that makes sense.

Oh yeah, it makes total sense. And I think that, yeah, we— our intuition never lies and our gut never lies. And so I think that even if you're thinking it for like a split second, I'm like, you need to follow that. And I've even— even just like little tiny things that, you know, I felt my gut tell me. And then I don't listen. Like, the dumbest stuff, like, don't put the eggs on top of that. And then I like turn the corner and they splatter everywhere.

Oh my gosh.

Oh, like, I should have listened to my gut. But I'm like, it, it really does. Like, your body knows what to do when you're giving birth, like, when it comes to your kids, when it comes to your spouse. Like, you know, you're— when you're in tune with yourself, like, it just— and I, I really do think that experiencing things and going through hard things, um, can help you later on, especially when you have kids, or even just in life in general. You can relate to people, or you can share your experience and, you know, maybe help somebody along the way. But, um, I heard— I was listening to, or I was watching Tony Robbins' documentary I Am Not Your Guru on Netflix, and he to this girl who's talking about her father and how like she's so angry at him because he has an addiction and she just wants to like— she's just so mad at him because he's caused all of this like hurt in her life. And he talked about how if you're gonna be mad at him for all of the hurt that he's caused, you should also thank him because he's the one who has like created you. Like, he's the one who has also, yeah, put all of this pain in your life, but without that pain, you wouldn't be who you are. And so after I listened to that, I kind of looked back at some of my experiences, and I was like, you know what, that's so true. Like, I— even though, like, I will never maybe welcome those people back into my life ever, but it's also it was also just a different outlook to be like, I would never be who I am without—

exactly—

those experiences, or even the, the hurt that I've caused. Like, I, I almost maybe needed to learn like that lesson, and that was the only way that I had to learn it.

Yeah, you know, I understand completely. That's so crazy. Um, yeah, like, I think now just that I'm older, I really see I mean, I'm saying it now because life's pretty good right now, but like all challenges that we go through, I feel like it's all on purpose. We all have to learn something, and we usually don't get over the hurdle or obstacle until we learn our lesson. Like, you just have to sit— oh yes, okay, what do I need to learn so I can freaking get over this and get to good part, you know?

That's true. You almost see, like, sometimes I would like circle around and circle around and I was like, what the hell? Like, why am I making this same mistake again? But that's true. Like, I guess maybe you just need to, like, you know, once you've learned the lesson, then you can like move forward. But until then, it seems like, yeah, it seems shitty. Yeah.

Gosh. Yeah.

No other word for it. No.

Right. That's crazy.

I had so much fun talking with Nikki and getting to know her a little bit better. That is seriously my favorite part about this podcast, is just openly talking with people and hearing a little bit about their life journey. All right, you guys, when we talk next, it will be next year. I hope you have a fun and safe night. I love you all.