Sweet Jessa

Welcome to my podcast, The Girl with the Red Door. I'm Kristjana Hillberg, your host. Here you'll get to listen to stories from people who divulge real and raw experiences on all different topics. You get 9 lives on your journey here on Earth. Which one are you living? Today I talked to somebody from my first life. She was somebody that I went to church with, somebody that I had frequent playdates with. I really looked up to her. Here is Jessa. Hey girl, how are you?

So good, how are you? Good.

Sorry, my 5 minutes turned into like 20.

You know what, it's okay. It's a kid thing.

Okay, perfect. I was like, oh my gosh, I need to be better about my time.

No, you're good. Totally fine.

Oh, well, I'm so glad we get to talk.

Yes, so fun.

Yeah. So what's, what's going on with you? What's new?

I'm still just doing the school thing. I feel like that's been my thing forever.

Yeah. Are you going back to just like finish your bachelor's or did you, are you in like a master's program?

Oh, I wish. No, I got my associate's a couple years ago and then I took a little break. I was kind of burned out and needed a break. So I took a break and I started back last this time, actually. And I was gonna do— go into like the medical field, but it was way too intense for having babies and, you know, that life. So, right, anyway, I'm doing behavioral science and I love it. It's—

it's—

I've really loved it so far. So I love that.

That's awesome.

Yeah, yeah, I enjoy it so far.

So do you do that from the computer? Do you have to go and actually like take classes?

Um, this semester I have one online class and then I have a class that I take on campus too. So just kind of depends on what classes I'm taking as to whether they're online or on campus. So awesome.

Okay, cool. And then you guys live in Kansas? Kentucky? Kansas. Yeah, I couldn't quite remember. And then what does your husband do?

Um, he is— he actually just got a new job. Um, he works like on the logistics sides of like Walmart, like their trucking company. I don't even know entirely what he does, but that's his thing. Awesome.

And then I saw you were just with all of your siblings just recently. Where were you guys?

Most of them, um, we were in Denver. My brother, um, youngest brother Jens had like a basketball tournament there and Everybody, almost everybody. My two sisters weren't able to make it, but I saw my brother that lives in Alaska there. His wife were there, and a brother that lives in Idaho was there too. So it's a little mini family. It's very fun.

Well, yeah, it kind of just sparked— well, I mean, I always love catching up with you, but this last podcast episode I did I've been talking more about like, I just feel when I look back on my past that I've lived multiple lives. Like I can, I feel like my Cortez, like living in Cortez was a life and then living in Joseph City and then like college and my first marriage. And so it's just like, I was talking about Cortez this past episode and I was just, you know, bombarded with all of these memories and I wanted to just reach out to you and be like, let's just chat about like where life has taken you the last decade and just like, I guess if you wanted to talk about if you feel like you've lived a couple different lives and what it looks like for you.

Um, so as far as like feeling like I've like lived two lives, I feel like my life, I guess I'd have two, right? Like one prior to like leaving the church and one before, you know, because that's kind of the biggest changes that have happened in my life for me. And really, they only happened probably like 3 years ago.

Okay. So did you and your husband make that choice together?

We did. It was more— he started to have his own doubts at first, and I was like, that's fine. You know, you do whatever you need to do. It wasn't a big deal to me. And then the kids were young and I was in primary. I was the pianist. Anson was just barely in primary. And I think Boyce had just barely gotten into nursery. Anyway, and the older they got is just the more like I could see, you know, the things that they were like internalizing that I wasn't really be super okay with, you know, at such a young age. So it just kind of made me nervous. And then like, it just all kind of started, you know, coming together for me. And so yeah, I mean, together in the end, we decided we were not okay with being in. So it was a couple years ago that we decided to leave.

So, so looking back, being raised LDS, like, do you, do you feel like it had an effect on like how you looked at yourself or viewed yourself or you yourself internalized things growing up?

Yeah, I think so to a point. There were times I feel like I didn't— it was more of like, I'm just going to do what I need to do and do what I know I need to do. Just because it's the right thing to do. I don't remember like certain times feeling like pressured or, you know what I mean? It was more just like, there's this way and then there's other ways and the other ways aren't what I'm supposed to do. So it's just like in my head it was like, well, that's it, you know? And so until later I look back and I think at the time I didn't realize it. I look back and think, you know, like I always felt super guilty for like not like, reading my scriptures and like praying every day, you know, like, and I think that's one of the most like, just one of the things that comes to mind right now that I always felt super guilty about, but like, not bad enough to like make sure I did it, you know what I mean? Yeah. So yeah, I mean, I guess, like I said at the time, I guess I didn't care enough for it to like, for me to change it enough, you know. Yeah, no, it's just like passing thoughts, I guess, you know, like, oh, like I should probably do better at that, you know, but oh well, kind of thing.

So how would you say that your life is different now? Like your second— because you're in your second life, how would you feel like it's changed?

Oh, I feel— I don't know. Me and my husband kind of talk about just like random ways of like just the way that I view myself. And like, it's grown so much more into myself and my desires and my— I want to be able to like, support and impact people in certain ways that I never— like, I feel like when I was in the church, it was like, if it wasn't something that affected me, then I wasn't going to worry about it, you know, or I wasn't gonna— anyway, so I feel like that's a big part. That has changed in me in that I've just been able to develop myself, find myself on a deeper, more personal level outside of, you know, religion and just in general, you know, my desires to be a good person and to be a good mom and, you know, to be able to develop those two parts of myself in ways that I had never been able to before.

Yeah, absolutely. And What do you feel— I'm like, I don't want this to sound too interviewy. It's so funny, but I just, it's so interesting because I feel like everyone who has decided to leave the church, that they, it's either for the same reason or it could be a different reason. But most people say that after they left, that they were just like you, were able to just grow into who they were and their mindset just changed and they were able to open their mind to more ideas, and more, just more ways of life and something that maybe fit you better.

Right, exactly. Like, I don't know, I feel like in the church, I always, you know, like I told you earlier, there's, you know, the things that you're supposed to do in the church, and then there's just everything else, you know, and you're not supposed to think about that or even consider it because they're just not options, right? That's how I viewed it. And so, you know, now in this life out of church, it's just kind of like this whole world is I can choose, you know, I have the choice to be interested in whatever I want to be interested in or be whoever I want to be. Hey girls, this is Karen, Callie, and Heather with Trilogy Boutique. We are 3 business-minded women who started our own online clothing boutique and and we want to help you find your next favorite wardrobe items. We focus on professional and casual clothing options for women. Things you can wear to work but also wear out for drinks with your girlfriends. We offer a little something for everyone, including sizes small to 3X. You can purchase our clothing a few different ways. Shop our in-stock items on our new website at shoptrilogyboutique.com or shop our preorder items in our Trilogy Facebook group. We're also on Instagram as Trilogy Boutique SD. Give us a follow or like and join in on some fun, easy, and fabulous shopping.

Yeah, no, I love that. And I, I was just reading this article this morning and it was talking about how you shouldn't have a view on something or an opinion about something that has just been taught to you for your whole life or ingrained. You should actually decide for yourself if that's like your opinion and then study it. And I just never really thought about that growing up. I just, I did what I was taught and I didn't question and I just kept going. And, you know, I would like wonder here and there or I would feel guilty, like, you said, for not reading my scriptures or thinking like, okay, well, you know, if Joseph Smith had this great vision, or like the prophets get, you know, God speaks to them, like, okay, how can I be that spiritual so that I can one day get revelation from God for my life? And why if I'm praying so hard, and I'm giving service, and I'm living my life, quote unquote, how I'm supposed to be living, then why are things still not going like the best? Or I don't know, it was just really almost like contradictive a little bit.

Yeah, totally. It's, um, in that mindset, I mean, I was the same way, you know, you do what you're, you're taught to do and live the way that you're taught to live, you know, and when things don't turn out the way that you're told to, you know, it's like, well, you know, you start to question things. And it's like you said, if it's a new concept or something, you know, the article that you said that you read earlier about having an opinion on something, I think that kind of perfectly describes me in that I didn't really dive into, you know, like personal opinions. You know, I was very— Oh, I like this and I like that, you know, like, or I was just very agreeable, you know, and I didn't do my own research and I didn't, you know, learn things on my own in order to be able to have an opinion. So that's definitely something that—

right. Well, and I even think, like, in and out of the church, like, church aside, even, like, society, you know, tells you that something is quote unquote bad or what, what it should be or what it should not be. And so I mean, it is just so interesting to me that I'm, you know, now almost 30 and like just figuring this out myself. I'm like, oh my goodness. Like, I kind of wish that I would have figured this out when I was 18. But I only hope that now as a parent that I can teach my kiddos this stuff like now and growing up so that they will have that at a younger age, you know, than I did.

Yeah, for sure. I totally agree. Because I mean, I've had the conversation, you know, a couple of times And it's funny, like sometimes, like you said, I wish I would have figured this out earlier, you know? And at the same time, it's like, like, I'm grateful for the things that I have been through and the things I've been taught and all of that, because I'm— maybe, I don't know, had I not lived or gone through the things that I've gone through, who knows, maybe I wouldn't be where I am now, you know what I mean? So like, yeah, it's, it's— I'm grateful that I'm here. And I mean, I've just turned 30 a couple months ago, you know, so it's like, I love being able to continually change my perspective and continually, you know, learn even though I, you know, I've got 2 kids and I've been married for almost 9 years, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's fun. It's exciting to always be changing in, in a bunch of different ways.

Yes. And that's what life is. It's always like growing and evolving and healing and changing. And yeah, I love that aspect about it too. As far as when you guys did decide to leave, was there any backlash like from family or close friends that was hard to get through, or was it pretty easy to navigate?

I mean, it was relatively easy on my end. I'll just speak for myself. It was always uncomfortable in a way, like, you know, talking to my mom more than anyone else. We'd still have conversations, but they would be less and less, you know, just because I wanted to avoid it. I wasn't ready to, like, talk about it, I guess, and to be able to say, like, here are my reasons why, you know, and to be able to, like, confidently explain and tell them where I was personally, you know. So it probably took a good year by the time I was like, hey, you know, like I actually told them, but I knew like they knew, you know, it was just like this understanding between us, but it just wasn't ever talked about, you know?

Yeah.

So they were always really respectful and always really good about, they never treated me differently or anything like that. So I've been really lucky in that sense that they've always been very sweet and understanding about it. So.

Yeah, which I can only imagine. I mean, I remember your parents and how loving and kind they were. So that's not surprising at all. Are you, are you the only sibling that has left?

I have a sister, my older sister. She stopped going for a couple of years. She's got two kids now and she, I don't know if she's like totally going again, like totally active or not. But otherwise she's the only one really. So I know, I think it's that fear. I don't know, it's so weird to be in this place because I know the other side, you know, and my family is still so in it, you know. So it's so weird to know and like feel those two different perspectives, you know, and be where I am, you know. Um, But it's, it's just that fear that, that runs. That's where I was, you know?

And I think you're right. Fear anyway.

But yeah, I mean, my parents, my mom will send me, you know, stuff sometimes or quotes or videos, you know, and it's never like guilt-ridden or, you know, it's always comes out of a place of like love and like my grandma, she's still alive. And so she's super sweet. And she'll— we'll have conversations, you know, when I go down and see her.

And oh yeah, my grandma will ask me like how my ward is, right? I'm like, oh Grandma, I haven't been to a ward a few years.

Thanks for asking. It's so sweet.

I know. So do you feel like as a parent looking forward and parenting your kids, like what are because really being raised Mormon, there was some really awesome things like being taught how to give talks in primary at such a young age, or like all of the service that we did. Like there's some really awesome things. So are you kind of incorporating some things that you learned and then also like integrating some new age, like conscious parenting strategies? Like what do you do?

Yeah, you know what, it's been— I've had difficult time trying to, in the past, I guess, trying to decide, you know, do I need to, you know, teach them or involve them in religion? Do they need that? You know, because for me it was the foundation, you know, of who I was. And it's just, it was everything, you know. And so for me, it's not based on— it's just based on like being a good human being and loving everybody, you know. And, and I feel like, I don't know, everything else just comes naturally, you know. I haven't honestly focused my parenting on anything but making sure they're kind and loving and everything else I feel like just kind of flows naturally because if I worry too much or if I stress too much about what they're taught or what they're not taught, you know what I mean? I feel like that gets in the way or I get in my own way of letting them become, um, them best, their best selves. You know what I mean?

Yeah. No, I love that. I love that approach and I'm all completely on board with it. I love it and think it's super, super important that as long as you teach those like core values, then the rest just falls into place and then it allows them to be exactly like you said, like who they are and who they're meant to be.

As parenting evolves, you know, the older your child gets, you know, it's ever-changing. And I feel like there will be— the older they get, the more in-depth and the more I'll be able to teach them, you know, in the ways that, you know, I feel are important. So as of right now, I feel like I'm just trying to do, you know, trying to keep them alive, keep them happy, you know what I mean?

Exactly. Yes. I'm sure you've noticed, and it seems like a recurring theme, that we just happen to talk about the LDS religion a lot. And that is because it was a part of my life for more than half of my life. So that's just, I guess, what's relevant. I still have friends who are active. I have friends who have left. I have family who is active. So naturally, talking about being raised Mormon is just something that comes up a lot. So I, I loved chatting with Jessa, talking about life and life as a parent and all the things we hope for our little kiddos now. And I hope that you enjoyed it as well. When you have a second, please head on over to Apple Podcasts and leave a review, leave a message, whatever you want to do. It helps other people find the podcast. And just get a wider audience and share it with those you love. Happy, happy Monday. I hope you have a great week. I can't wait to talk to you next week.