Transforming Your Self Confidence

Welcome to my podcast. The Red Door, where humans share their stories. Our stories are what bring us together, connect us, and how we feel a little less lonely, giving you the reminder that you are not on this journey by yourself. As a collective, we share emotions and feelings, not the same way, but we each know what anger feels like, frustration, abandonment, insecurity, and what shit is fake or not in alignment with us. It is my mission to provide a platform for you to get vulnerable and share your experiences with the world. There is always at least one person listening who will be transformed by your message. Remember that the next time imposter syndrome pops up and tells you you aren't ready, or you aren't good enough, or that no one cares. Tell that voice to fuck off and then DM me. I'm here for you now and always, not just to hype you up, but to guide you down a path of mindset shifts so you can do the holy shit, this is hard inner work and create the life you love. If you're ready, Enter here.

This year has been stop doing shit you hate. Yeah, that's literally been like, stop doing shit you hate. If you, if you decided that running was what fitness looked like to you, but you hate running, like stop it, find something else.

I love that. Tell me all about how you work with clients because I love your page, I love all of your messages. How did you get into this?

So I've had my fitness industry business for 9 years. I've been a professional in the industry and it really came out of my own personal journey that was a complete mess. I have lost 100 pounds. And during that process, I gained an eating disorder. I like nearly destroyed my marriage. I was just like, my health was at the worst place it had ever been in my life to the point where doctors thought that I had endometrial cancer because I did not have a period for nearly a year. Really high cortisol levels, really high testosterone levels. Just my body was in a bad, bad place because everything I did was focused on how do I be skinny? I want to be skinny. I want to be skinny. I want to be skinny. Right? Healthy didn't even factor into the equation. So when I kind of got to that goal weight and realized that I still hated myself, I still was in this mess of a shell of a body I was walking around in. And this isn't what I thought it would be at the end. I looked at it and I was like, gosh, surely there's got to be another way. Like, I've heard of people that have lost lots of weight and have come out the other side just living their best lives and, you know, just loving themselves, loving the space they're in, thriving. And I just— that's not where I was. So I thought, I thought to myself, I want to be an advocate for other women so that they don't go through the same thing I went through. They can realize that their journey and their process can be beautiful. And yes, it's hard, but it can be transformative. And it doesn't have to be ugly in the way that mine was. So that's kind of why I started my business. And then it was a personal trainer. I started my personal training business, started working with clients. I became a group fitness instructor and actually went on to co-own the boutique fitness studio that I taught at. And so I was in this space where it was like, everything, you know, you, the girl that used to be 250+ pounds, like, look at you, you're living the dream. I freaking hated my life. Like, still, I was in that headspace where I was so desperate to belong, so desperate to matter, and I think that came from all this old messaging from childhood and, or, you know, bad relationships with parents, and all that kind of stuff. And so I was doing, giving my energy, and my time, and everything that I had to everybody else in order to be seen favorably by people. You know? And kind of selling my soul to the devil almost. You know? I went through a 4-year period in my professional career where I would get up at, you know, 4 o'clock in the morning because I taught a 5 5 o'clock in the morning class. I would then after that class go on to train clients before they went to work. Then I go to the studio and like be in the studio all day teaching in the morning, teaching some in the afternoon. I teach an evening class, then leave the studio, go and see clients who wanted to be trained after they finished work. I wouldn't get home till like 10 o'clock at night, get to bed for 11, and get up at 4 the next day. And that was my life for 4 years.

Wow.

Yeah, it just got to the point where I was like, there's got to be more to life than this. Surely, you know, it doesn't have to be my career or my health. It doesn't have to be me serve people in the way that I so badly want to, or my marriage. Because again, my marriage had hit the skids because, you know, I don't blame him. He was like, who are you? Like, what is this version of you? And that we'd been together 17 years at that point. And it was just a complete kind of like gut check moment for me. So long story short, I basically, you know, removed myself from that studio scenario. And we had this opportunity for him to move here to the East Coast. We were in Texas at that time, moved here to the East Coast for my husband's work. And it again was this moment where I was like, do I have to start again? Like, I have to now create a new client base and create a new, like, maybe go and teach in a new space and get used to a new community. And that just sounded so exhausting for me because I was still in this space of healing. I'd recognized that there was a lot to do with my relationship with myself that needed some attention and some love and some healing, some compassion. And so with knowing that I needed to place my time and my energy there solely on me, it just didn't sound good for me to start thinking about, you know, finding and creating and building, you know, career-wise. So I started to look at different ways in which I could serve. And I decided to take everything online and become a virtual coach. And 100% my client interactions are virtual. I don't see any clients one, like face-to-face anymore. And I'm not only having the best time as a fitness professional, but the people that I'm working with are seeing the best results from any, any other time in my career. And I truly believe it's because of the path that I've walked. It's not just now, it's not just about, you know, exercise and nutrition. It's not just about those things to do, but we talk a lot about who to be. You know, like your mindset, how you talk to yourself, your belief system about yourself, your belief system about what's possible for you in your life. Like recognizing that a lot of the time, women who have weight loss struggle, and those are the kind of women I attract because that was my story. It comes from, it's not the weight that's the problem. It's the life that the weight is stealing from them. The story that got them to that weight in the first place. And so now I have the capacity to serve from a practical standpoint, you know, fitness, nutrition, all that kind of stuff. But then also we dive so deep into the psyche and, and the mental health side of things and the behavior change from a psychological perspective. I'm a psychology major too. And it just, it, it's completely transformed not only how I do business, how I serve my audience, but it's completely changed me and it's the most profound and rewarding and incredible season of my life right now.

Okay, that story was so touching. I'm like a little bit speechless just because like it truly is such a beautiful thing that you're now helping women, like you said, not just focus on the weight and the way you look, because I think that all of us can relate to that in some way. We've gotten a message that we need to look a certain way in order to, right? In order to fit in or in order to like wear that dress that we want to wear or in order to be attractive. And even me, I'm a I'm an instructor, and sometimes the clients at the studio will say something that like pierces me. I'm like, oh my gosh, no, like we're not working out so that you can, you know, eat enchiladas and like feel okay, or you know what I mean? Like I was like, that is such an old thing that we were told that we had to do. I'm like, instead, let's totally reframe it. Like we're moving our body because it feels good, because it's going to help with mental health, because it's a community of other women who are there to support you and love you. And so I love that that's like your entire philosophy because it is so needed in our world.

Yeah, and you're so right, like the messaging is so old and I feel like our society has been through so much, especially in the last 14 months. Like, we're in a period of global trauma, is how I look at it. And it's kind of— we have this opportunity now to kind of re-examine how we see worth, how we see value, how we see health, how we see kind of fulfillment in our lives, because we've all had to kind of press the pause button in some way and kind of sit with ourselves more. Than we ever had to do before. And I think there's been so many valuable conversations that have come out of that. And the ones that need to continue to develop are exactly what you said about, you know, especially as women, I think, are placed in the world and it not being dependent on, one, what we look like, but then two, our habits being based on these old, old messaging, you know, eating low fat or fat free and doing all the aerobics and, and wanting to be supermodel skinny, you know, and all of those things, because that's just not— it's not representative of what is happening, you know?

Right. Well, and each, each human is so different that like you can't just say, hey, come to this class and you're gonna lose weight and whatever. Like, the promotion should be, come to this class and, and figure out who you are inside. Like, there is so much that goes on mentally when I'm working out even. It almost brings me back to present. It helps me push the barriers of like things that I can do or just like my body. It's almost like a time to appreciate what your body can do, who you are. I mean, sometimes I've been working out and I like start bawling because I'm like, oh my gosh, like there was shit packed in there that I had no idea. Like, it truly is. I think even for me, I grew up playing sports and not even really being taught the lesson of like loving your body. I was just taught that— actually, I don't even know if there was necessarily a lesson. There was just a, you're going to be in sports, just like be happy about that. And I mean, I loved sports, but then when I went to college, I didn't know what was happening with my body because I had gone from being super athletic my whole life to now being in college and, you know, doing yoga a couple times a week. But I was also not taking care of my body as far as like eating. I was drinking all the time. And I think that too, like you said, it was more like mental stuff that was going on. Like I didn't like who I was. I felt shitty. Shame and guilt and all of the shit that had piled up over 18 years that I didn't even know what was going on until way later in life. And now, I'm going to be 31 and I am like just now starting to like truly appreciate my body for everything that it's done instead of just looking at it and thinking like, "Why don't you look this way?" or "What else could we do to improve the way you look?" It's been like a 180 for me and I think like you, I mean, you get to this point that you're like, "What am I doing? Who am I? What have I done to myself?" I've hit this goal weight or I've hit this whatever it is and you're still not happy and so I want to ask you, when you started to like unpack all of the stuff, what were some of the recurring thoughts that you were like, "Oh gosh!

I didn't even realize I was telling myself that." Oh God, there's like 3 that really jump out at me. One is I had a story of "you don't belong" going on for— and I only really discovered and starting to unpack this last— the summer of 2019. So this was a new— like, I'm 30, about to be 39. Like, this is I couldn't even fathom that I'd been carrying this for so long. And it really came from a place of— I grew up in a very affluent white neighborhood as the only Black family, Black family that lived on the wrong side of the tracks. Like, legit, there was like the affluent neighborhood, a train track, and we lived over here living off government benefits, single-parent household. It was just my mom and my brothers and me.. And I always had this sense of, you don't belong here. You don't look like anybody else. You don't, you know, my family background is African. And so, we have these like customs and even the food we eat and the things we do. And that wasn't, nobody else did that. So, being a teenager and really wanting to fit in, because that's what we all want as teenagers, right? I just had this story of, you don't belong, you don't belong, you don't belong. And that spawned an entire adulthood of desperately people pleasing, you know, to be seen favorably by others, to feel as if I belonged and I was safe in a particular circle. So there was that one. And then there was another one that was, you don't matter. And that came out of my parents' stuff.

Yeah.

Which I won't bore anyone with. I think we've, we, a lot of us can kind of connect to that in some capacity. It's just the formulative years spent with those stories kind of being so pressed down that it wasn't a conscious thing. It was just like, I just thought that was my personality. I just thought that was just me. That's how I'm built. That's my DNA. That's just how it is. And then, I got to the point, and this is the third one, I got to the point, gosh, I don't know, 3 years ago maybe, where I looked at all the things that were happening, like my eating disorder was starting to kind of nudge at me again. I was starting to have these old narratives, you know, of that you don't belong, you don't matter, Sabrina, you suck, all of these things coming up in my brain. And I had a moment where I sat with myself and I was like, you are about to enter a decade in which you're going to turn 40. And you're still dealing with the same shit you were dealing with when you were 13 years old. Like, can we figure it out? Can we get a different narrative up in this bitch, please?

You know?

And I literally had that conversation with myself, and I was like, something has got to change. And it was a stark realization that I couldn't wait around for somebody else to come and change that narrative for me. I couldn't wait around and wait for somebody else to come and kind of rewrite the story for me. Nobody else was going to come and save me. I had to do it. And so that kind of started over the last 4 years or so, started a deep dive into my stuff, which is again, it's spawned out and spread out into how I kind of serve my community and the people that are on this path with me.

Wow. I think that that's so true, is that I had that same realization at one point where I said, okay, Whoa, you're going to be 27? It's like same shit, different day, Kris. Like what is going on? And I think that deep inner work is fucking hard. And it's so scary. And you don't really want to do it. Like you do, but you also don't. Because once you start to unpack stuff, it can get heavy and sometimes dark and like stuff that you don't want to realize. Like I— personality traits that you just have, you know, like, like habits that you formed over these years. And I've been listening to Do Better by Rachel Ricketts. Oh my gosh, like her book is about spiritual activism, white supremacy, and how we all can do better. And she is so incredible just with how she talks about life. And of course she's like, "Cis white women, like, let's talk, like, I'm talking to you. Like, these are the things that, like, we need to talk about, things to unlearn, things to unpack." And it's been— I was telling my husband, I'm like, these are all things that Once you learn it, you can't unlearn. And it's stuff that I'm like, it almost makes me— I can't even describe it— like sick to my stomach, angry, like all of these things that I feel as a human being. I'm like, how can I do better? Just like her book. But she was also talking about being your own cheerleader, your own best friend, being your own like, because shit happens from the inside out. Like, you have to change from the inside out in order to make change, help others change as well. And so it always starts. And so I think that that is just such a great message overall, as far as activism, as, as far as like just loving yourself, as far as everything goes. It's all inner work. You just can't like show up and start teaching other people until you do it yourself and until you truly know that you love yourself. I mean, even for me, I think for several years I was like a tornado in my choices and decisions and ended up hurting a lot of people with the choices that I was making. And I didn't know why, because who I am inside is not somebody who would hurt other people. But I was seeing it all around me. I was seeing this destruction and not truly understanding why. Until I realized, "Oh, like I don't truly love myself. I don't love who I am. I don't love who I've become." And so then in return, the choices I was making was out of like feeling like I was a failure, feeling like I was a piece of shit, all of these things. And when you don't love yourself, you can't really love or really care. How you're making other people feel. And so then, yeah, you come to a realization where you're like, "Shit, my marriage is falling apart. What needs to happen?" Or, "I'm, you know, I've lost weight, but I still feel like I'm worthless. Like, what is happening?" And so I think that the work that you're doing is so insanely important, and it's a message that needs to be said over and over and over again. And that's how we learn is repetitive Everything repetitive, like building habits and hearing it over and over, because these thoughts are things that we've been telling ourselves for years. And also, 95% of our brain is subconscious thoughts, right? And so if we truly want to change, we have to write, like you said, write a new narrative. And so how do you help your clients, like, rewrite their story? Like, do you guys go over, like, affirmations and like, how do you help them work through that?

Yeah, we kind of, like I said, we dive deep into what the problem actually is, like understanding that, you know, being at a heavier weight or having an obesity diagnosis or a diabetes diagnosis, dealing with inflammation, dealing with, you know, all of these ways in which this disease in the body shows up as disease in the body. Right. So we kind of dive into like what the habits are and recognizing that a lot of people— and again, this is— I tend to attract who I am. So a lot of my clients have like addiction to food kind of story where they can't control cravings and food always wins and they turn to food for comfort and joy and celebration and sadness and all of, all of this kind of stuff. So it's really diving into understanding that that isn't just something that you don't have control over. You know, really get into the crux of the fact that our choices, we make them, and so we can unmake them. Like, if we had the power to get ourselves to where we are right now, then we also have the power to unwrite it. So it's drawing, like, spreading a light and really shining a bright spotlight on that, first of all. Because like you said, once you know, you can't pretend you don't know. And then it takes on bigger ownership. And then one of the practices that I do, and it seems really silly, but it's actually incredibly powerful, is naming that voice in your head that is always telling you that you ain't shit. The voice in your head that's like, you can't do that. You don't matter. The one that continues to perpetuate the old stories, you know, the one that helps you self-sabotage. You know, you've lost a couple of pounds, you're feeling really good, and it's like, "You can treat yourself. Go and have that cupcake and those 5 bottles of wine." You know, that voice. So we actually name our voice. I call mine Patrice because she's super obnoxious. She's super loud. She's hateful. She's rude. All of these things. And just that one action of naming her and being able to kind of separate who you are and the path that you're pursuing, the version of yourself that you're adamant on creating, that very best version of yourself, and that old messaging, separating the two and being able to acknowledge, like, when she starts being like, "Ah, there she is. Okay, girlfriend, I hear you." thank you for sharing, but not today, and being able to put it apart, put it aside, and kind of having that internal conversation. And we're actually playing with something that is, is a little bit newer, but it's something that I see to be incredibly powerful, is not only telling her to shut up and go and sit down, but also kind of showing her some compassion. One of the things that we realize is that bullies, and this This was one of my clients. She actually, she's incredibly smart, incredibly insightful. She's a yoga teacher. And she kind of came at us with this different way of thinking about it from the standpoint of a bully in the playground, you know, is yelling at you and throwing sticks at you and all that kind of stuff. For what reason? It's because they want attention. They want love themselves. They want acceptance themselves. You know, those kinds of things are missing from their lives. And so this voice in your head, who is your bully, instead of always trying to fight them and fight them back and throw a bigger stick and throw a bigger rock at them, instead, show her some love, show her some compassion, give her the attention she needs. So we're kind of playing around now with some days it has to be kind of a get out of my face, you're not welcome here. And some days it's kind of like, okay, girl, you're valid for feeling that way. You're valid for kind of coming at me with these messages and these stories and these words because of everything that we've been through. You know, it's okay that we've been through that, but girlfriend, I've got you. We're not there anymore. We don't need to play this game anymore. And it makes me emotional just even saying it because that internal conversation is incredibly powerful. And it again is you stepping into this different version of yourself that can look at the history, the trauma, the past stuff, and not only kind of have gratitude for it almost, but nurture that version of you that lived in that space so that you can both move into this new version of you together. Does that make sense?

Oh yeah, 100%. And I, um, in the, in the book The Untethered Soul, he talks about that as like monkey chatter. And he says too, he's like, oh my gosh, you know, you would never hang out with someone who talked to you the way that your inner voice talks to you. Like if there was a human being in front of you that was saying all the things that you tell yourself, like they would no longer be your friend, right? And so I, after I read that book, I was like, oh my gosh, what are some things that I've been telling myself that I don't even realize? And it was just little things. I mean, anything, like making myself feel bad for eating a cookie or whatever. I like how you said to instead of trying to like get out of my brain type of deal or like shut up, get away. It's so loving, I think, to flip that and be like, girlfriend, like listen, you know, almost like talking to yourself. And I mean, I've even been given like the visual of imagining, right, that it's it's your child self. So now that I have an 8-year-old, sometimes I look at her and like, I'm going to get emotional, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like that was me once. Like I was going through whatever I was going through at that age. And so I try to talk to her sometimes the way I wish I would have been talked to, right, as a little girl.

I think that's one of the most incredibly empowering things about being a parent. Like, I'm not a parent. We've decided that's not going to be part of our story. But one of the things that I think is incredible about being a parent is that you get to break generational chains, right? If you're conscious about it, if you're aware of it, you get to be the one that decides that you're the next generation, your children, their children, the children after them are not going to go through the same stuff that you went through, because I think our age group are coming from a generation where there was still that kind of like, we don't talk about emotions, we don't talk about things being hard. Like, we were physical in my household. My discipline was very physical. We're still coming from that generation that kind of created a lot of angst in like our youth. But now, again, you know different. You can't pretend you don't know. So it's we get the opportunity to break those chains and break some of those cycles that are so destructive, especially in young girls. And I think that's just so incredibly powerful.

You're right. It really, it really is. And I tried to have this conversation with my mom because on the podcast I obviously talk about growing up and my childhood and different experiences that I've had. And so her and I have kind of talked about that and some things that I've said, you know, have hurt her and I'm like, "Listen, when I talk about my childhood, that was my experience. I don't ever want you to think that you were like wrong or bad or that I hold you necessary like that." I'm— I don't even know how to describe it because I truly believe in holding people accountable but at the same time, I'm just like, you knew what you knew and you were doing your best. Like, you were raised, you know, this way. You thought that you were, you know, doing all the right things, and that's all you could have done, you know? Like, I don't judge you for that, but now that I'm a parent, now I get to choose a better way or a different way, a way that I think, you know, is the best for us. And I can only hope that for my kids as well, right? Like, parents, we always fuck up. And it's like a constant questioning, like, oh my gosh, did I, you know, did I say the right thing? Did I do the right thing? But I'm like, no matter what you do, I'm sure your kids are going to grow up and decide for themselves how they want to parent or decide that they don't want to be a parent, which is great. Like, whatever. That's what's so great about being a human and just loving each other and realizing that we're all different with all different strengths and passions and choices and then just fostering that.

Michelle Obama has this incredible quote. She says, "It's harder to hate up close." And it just sits with me all the time. It's harder to hate up close because I think just like you said, everyone is just trying to do their best for the most part, unless you're a sociopath who, you know, feeds off of destroying other people. Most people live their lives just trying to do their best. And the more compassion we can have for each other. I always feel that, like you said earlier, it's an inside job, it's an inside-out job. The more compassion we can have for ourselves, the more compassion we tend to have for other people, and then that ripples into our communities and beyond. And I think it's just so valuable to have that thought in our mind that everyone's just trying their best. You know, that person isn't deliberately going out of their way to piss me off or hurt me today. Like, you know, we're so concerned sometimes with what other people think about us. It's kind of like, girlfriend, nobody's thinking about you. Everyone's so worried about themselves. Nobody's thinking about you. Let it go.

So true. Even like with little things like driving in traffic, I'm just like, that person was not deliberately trying to cut me off. They were probably just like, oh shit, I'm not going the speed limit. Oops, I should probably speed up and try and get over. Like, I'm like, why am I trying to make this about, you know, me? Good. It's like ridiculous. But I wanted to touch on something that you had said earlier is about eating and you feeling like your family, you guys ate differently. So now in like some of your teaching, do you kind of incorporate that and like really tap into people's cultures and teach them how to embrace their culture and eat for the love and the passion and the— just like how to embrace it all instead of trying to get rid of it.

Yeah, yeah. So it's a really interesting topic and an interesting kind of conversation and perspective to come from because we all have— it's not necessarily just culturally specific either. It's like we all have different traditions in our household, different family kind of things that we do based on holidays, times of the year, whatever. And I think it's so important to be able to nurture those things in a healthy way. And for me, there's always been so much guilt around indulgence. You know, like if I was going to celebrate and have Christmas dinner, or obviously we didn't do Thanksgiving in the UK, but having these like holidays or even just, you know, birthdays and things like that where we would go in when it came to food, like we would go for it and there would always be so much guilt for me, like because I've struggled with my weight since I was, you know, 12 when my period started when I was 11. That's kind of where the hormonal shifts kind of started to happen. I really started to struggle with my weight. So from the age of like 11, which it just breaks my heart to think about my niece, like my oldest niece is 13. For her to have things like that, you know, not knowing that she does. But it just breaks my heart. You're still a child, and to be struggling with things like that is awful. So we'd have— I'd have so much guilt around these things. And so for me now, coming from a space of healing myself and helping other people in their healing process, it's kind of how can we minimize the guilt we have around just living our damn lives? Like, Live your damn life. You know? But how do we go about doing that without the guilt? And it really is having these periods in your life of extreme accountability. And this is not sexy. It's not the popular message. I think the popular message is everything in moderation, and you can eat, you know, whatever you want and not feel bad about it. And that's great. That's what we're aiming for. That's the goal. But for me, for women like me who struggle with those kinds of things and the connotations that food have and food addictions and this cycle of, you know, perpetuating negative relationships and behaviors around food, that messaging doesn't serve us. You know, for us, it needs— sometimes it needs to be kind of a "balance is bullshit." approach. And that's kind of been a mantra of mine in my personal process, and it's one that my kind of community have kind of taken up and are running with, is that certain periods of our lives for, you know, a month, 2 months, 3 months, whatever, coming at it from an approach of understanding that seeking balance is actually causing us to stay in this cycle. Because this is how it showed up for me, and this is how it showed up for a lot of the women that I work with. It's like, you do good on your nutrition plan, and you're killing it, killing the game. Like I said, self-sabotage pokes its head, and you're like, oh, I lost 5 pounds, let me go and celebrate, you know, balance. And you go and eat the cupcake, which then turns into 3 cupcakes, which then turns into a pizza, which then turns into 2 glasses of wine, which then turns into binging while you're watching Netflix, doing nothing, feeling miserable, which then the next day is like, well, I screwed it up yesterday, so I might as well just live my damn life. And then 3 days later, you'll dip in, you're like deep in this pit of kind of like, what the fuck even just happened? And then comes Monday, oh, let's start again. And Seeking Balance was keeping us in that cycle. And so kind of breaking that narrative and being like, okay, for me in this season of life that I am in right now, balance is not the one. I need to have extreme focus and extreme accountability when it comes to the goal that I have. And for these 60, 90 days, whatever, it's 100% adherence to what it is that I'm here to do. And having that goal be like the thing that's in your front and rear view, you know. And that approach has given us the ability to have balance. You know, it's like, be extreme in your motives and in your behaviors and your actions and in what you allow in your life. No more excuses. If you've spent any amount of your life kind of miserable, hating the body you're in, hating the person that you are, being in this negative spiral that you're doing so much damage, not only to your physical body, but to your mental health and well-being. At some point, if that messaging is not serving you, not helping you move forward, how about we try something different? You know, if you want something different, you have to do something different. And so for us, it really has been kind of a shift away from balance and everything in moderation and being kind of like, okay, for this amount of time, this is where I'm going. No excuses. Blinders on. I'm doing it. And then it gives us the ability to not guilt when we do have that celebration or that, you know, cultural thing that we indulge in or whatever, because it's kind of like, I'm in a place emotionally and physically where I don't feel bad about this because my discipline is at a point where I know that I'm moving in the right direction. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does. And I think that that goes hand in hand too with like trusting yourself. So you're trusting yourself to set a goal or a boundary and then to keep it. And then it's like that's just a form of self-love, I think, which is great. But also learning how to like truly tap into your body and thinking about, okay, if I have one glass of wine, that's my discipline, and I'm not going to have two or three because I don't want to feel like shit, and not because I don't want to feel guilty, but I truly— my body is going to feel like shit. And that's not self-love. That's not self-care. I've done the same shit like where I've gone— I mean, Kurt and I did a sober year and then I got pregnant so that it turned into 2 years sober and I was like, "Oh my God!" Yeah, I was like, "Well, this isn't a choice now." But then I started to slowly like, you know, have a glass of wine here or there and a few weeks ago, Kurt had been deployed a couple times and I was like, "Listen, when you get home," I'm gonna have like a night to myself where I just relax, self-care. And I did not have discipline. And I drank like a 6-pack and stayed up until 2 AM. And I was like, hello, not a good choice. Like, I feel like dog shit. Oh my God. The next day I was like, you have got fucking kidding me. And I was so disappointed in myself. Myself because I was like, "Chris, you know that that bullshit does not feel good to your body or your mind." And I like to be fully like aware and productive. And that next day I felt like complete shit until like 7 PM. And then even then I was still kind of like, "Ugh," you know? And then it almost like started a spiral of me being like, "what, why did you do that?" And then I'm like, nope, we're gonna like get out of that. It's okay. It was almost like a nice reminder, right? That you don't like that bullshit. Don't do it again. And actually like try, just take care of yourself.

Yeah. Like there is that level of self-awareness of understand, because I used to do the same thing. Like for me, because the eating disorder I had was bulimia. So for me, I would say things to myself like, I've had such a hard day, or I'm feeling so sad about whatever, or whatever, I'm going to sit and I'm going to binge because I need to take care of myself.

Yeah.

Like, that— what?

You know?

Like, now I can look at it and be like, holy Jesus, that's— what are you even talking about? But for so many women, and this is such— I didn't really— you know how you always think when you struggle with somebody, something, you're the only person that deals with it. I didn't realize that so many women struggle with this same thing where they see doing things like what you just described and sitting on the couch and binge eating and just all of those things as self-care behaviors. I need to do that because I need to unwind. This is how I take time for myself. This is how I spend some time, quality time with myself. And it's kind of like understanding that those two things don't need to be one. You can spend quality time with yourself without destructive behavior to your own body being part of the equation. And really understanding that you feel like shit afterwards. When you wake up in the morning after doing something like that, that feeling that you have of aches and pains and your face is swollen and you're bloated and you've got cramps, maybe you've got diarrhea or constipation and you have such low energy. You're not supposed to feel like that. And so many women are in that cycle, men too, in that cycle of doing that so often that that feeling crap is just, is their baseline. They're just used to feeling like that. They think that that's normal. And it's like, it's incredible to discover for yourself what feeling good actually feels like because it blows It will blow your mind.

Totally. Well, and I've even just getting older, I've been trying to like listen to my body more and some nights I truly, my body is fine if I want to eat 6 tacos. Like it feels fine. I eat until I'm full and then that's that. But other nights my body is telling me to stop at 2 or whatever it is. And so I've been trying really hard to not put like, oh, I'm overeating if I eat 6, or I don't, I don't know. I've been trying to like just figure out what feels good to me, and certain days like something feels good and sometimes it doesn't. Like some mornings I can eat a donut and I feel fine, and then other mornings I'm, it's like, oh, I shouldn't have another cup of coffee, you know, like you're starting to get a headache. Let's actually indulge in like 3 cups of water because that's gonna make you feel good. So it's a totally different narrative, and I like that we've kind of circled back to that because I'm like, we can tell ourselves anything we want. So why not tell ourselves that we are worthy, that we are taking care of ourselves, that we are having that mind-body connection, and then we'll just live in that state to where we truly are like following our gut our real gut and like our intuition and truly be able to like say, "Okay, now I know what self-care looks like. Now I know what self-love feels like. I want to live here instead of God knows where," you know, trying to like compensate in other ways.

100%. And it is, it's really understanding that the stories we tell ourselves are the ones that matter the most. And we have the— we do have the ability to change that narrative. We do have the power to make a different choice. And like we said before, it's not easy. Like, none of this work is easy. None of anything that we've talked about is easy. But it is incredibly simple. You either do it or you don't do it. Like, choose. And then choose again. And then choose again. And then choose again. You know? It's not like a, "Oh, I made a choice one time. Like, I'm woke now. Everything will be simple as of this point on." It's no. Like, you know, say, take me for example. I'm 13— about to be 39. Say I started my process today. Like, today, I'm like, "Okay, bullshit. Enough is enough. I'm done. I'm over it. I don't want to feel like this anymore. These behaviors, negative. I want to move forward and create this new version of myself." Tomorrow, that new version of me, the version of me that wants to be better, is 1 day old. The old voice is 39 years old, and she's run the show for the past 39 years. So that baby version of you, that 1-day-old version, is gonna have to choose the next day not to listen to the grown-up. And then the 2-day-old version is gonna have to choose not to listen to the grown-up. And it's a constant choice until you get to a point where that version of you that you're creating, she's powerful, she's empowered, she's living in her greatness, and that voice starts to get a little bit quieter. It starts to not come around as much. It starts to, you know, take a nap more often than not. For me, I choose to consciously choose the more empowering message as many times as I can.. And that comes from, you know, am I doing enough? Yes. Yes, you are. Because that's more empowering than questioning whether I'm doing enough. And that comes from, you know, from my personal process, as well as in my work, as well as in my relationships, as well as in the success that I'm pursuing in my life. We can all sit there and like, am I actually doing enough? Like, this person says you have to be the hardest worker in the room. Am I the hardest worker in the room? Am I? You know, and all that questioning. It's like, yes. The answer is yes to any question about whether I'm doing enough, I'm going in the right direction, I'm doing the right thing, whatever. The answer is yes. Because the more empowering message is the one that's going to give you the energy and the ability to keep taking the action necessary to move forward. The questioning and the doubt paralyzes you, and it's procrastination station over here. Then it goes to shit. So choose the more empowering message every time.

I love it. And you're totally right. It's not just like you decide and then everything's like better. It's every day. And then you reach a whole new level of, okay, now I can like focus on this area. And then later you can focus on this area. It's like, it's just a journey. And that's what is so great about it is is learning and growing and experimenting and fucking up.

Yeah.

Doing better and then fucking up again and trying something new and like it's, it's all part of the cycle and I like to too talk about it's not always going to feel like so good and so happy. Like it's gonna be frustrating and annoying and you might cry and you might want to like throw your phone across the room and that's all a part of it too. Like, it's all a part of it. You don't need to live in a state of being happy at all times. And I think that for so long, I felt like that. Like, I need to always be happy. Like, why am I not happy? If I'm not happy, I must be doing something wrong or bad.

So how many people live in that space and they use— and this is what one of my core beliefs of why we struggle so much in our weight loss process is that we believe that it's supposed to feel good all the time.

Yeah.

We believe that we're supposed to be making, like, it's supposed to be linear. We're supposed to be going this way all the time. And so when we hit that barrier where it does feel hard, where it is inconvenient, where you don't feel like doing it, where you're just kind of like, I don't know if I can, that voice gets loud and you're kind of stuck in this space of— when you get to that point, it's like recognizing, okay, this is part of the process. And if I continue to do what I've always done before, which is use that as kind of validation for why I can't do it, it's not for me, it's not working, then, and fall back on my old behaviors and go back to doing what I was doing before, then that's what's perpetuating the cycle. It's recognizing that when you hit that barrier, it's kind of like, okay, this This is where that old messaging is starting to want to take over. That 39-year-old version of myself, she wants to take the reins again. Okay, this is where I have to now make a different choice. Because if I want something different, I have to do something different. So every other time where I've hit this obstacle and I've gone back to my old behaviors because I've used it as proof that I suck and I can't do it and it, you know, it's not for me. Then how about this time when I hit that barrier, I choose to start pushing through it and make different choices. Stay on the path. Stay in the process. And what I've discovered through my own journey, as well as observations with the incredible women that I work with, is that everything we want lies on the other side of that choice, of pushing through the obstacle. And really understanding that it's not supposed to feel good all the time. Change doesn't. Transformation doesn't. You know, pursuing anything that you've never achieved before, if it was easy, you would have it already. Like, it's not supposed to feel good all the time, and that's okay. And I think our society so much tries to give that messaging of, if it doesn't feel in alignment, if it doesn't, if you're not happy all the time, if you're not energized around this thing, then it's not for you, you need to find something different. Yeah, absolutely not.

Have you ever listened to David Goggins?

Yes, I'm obsessed with that book. His book is just—

his book is incredible. But he, I mean, he's so fucking intense. But I really do love that he's like, we live in a soft society. And I totally— I guess I had never thought about it because I feel like I kind of am like on the fence with it. I'm all about like self-love, you know, telling yourself like you're worthy. And he's like, no, like I stand in the mirror and I'm like, you fucking lazy piece of shit. And I'm like, oh my god. But my husband totally relates to that. Like he's like, oh, I do the same thing because it like pumps me up. Yeah. And like gets me going. And when he was telling his story about like losing— God, how much weight did he lose before he went in? It was like an insane—

insane amount of weight in like 30 days.

Yeah, yeah, it was like, you know, I remember sitting on my couch like the first week for like 2 hours at a time being like, I fucking don't want to do this, I don't want to go, and just sitting there and being like, I hate this. But then he just did it anyway. Yeah, and I loved that. I was like, goddamn it, I need to live more like that. And he talks about that, like doing shit that you're uncomfortable with every day. Like find something that you fucking hate and keep doing it every day. Like do it over and over and over again because, and it's totally true in all aspects of our life, right? It's in the uncomfortable that we push, where we grow, where we learn, and whether that's physically, mentally, like just in everything. And I was like, damn, okay, like I need to start. Living in the uncomfortable, like at all times.

And there is that like sweet spot somewhere. I think he is super intense and I wouldn't necessarily go down the route, especially for us women, looking in the mirror and saying, "You fucking suck, like get your shit together." That's probably not the right messaging, but kind of finding that way of your value and your worth not being attached to any particular outcome, like release the outcome, guide yourself to joy in the moments and just love on who you are. But then understand that if there is something that you're seeking, if there's something that you're trying to change or transform in your life, just the, like, the act of doing that is going to suck. Like, you're going to have moments where you're like, I suck. Oh my gosh, I'm trying to prove that I don't suck. So, I do things that make me feel that I suck. But then, I'm like, oh, I'm showing up and it's working a little bit, so maybe I don't suck as hard. Until you get to the point where you're like, okay, yeah, I don't suck. But that process is what transformation looks like, you know? And it's really understanding, especially now in the way our global society operates, you know, comparison is everywhere, and getting an insight into people's lives is everywhere, and Comparing how they look to how you feel is like just, just rife. It's what we do. And that just doesn't even make any sense. But it's what we do. And it's kind of really understanding that if you're wanting to change something significant in your life, whether that's your health, your relationships, your career, where you live, whatever, there's going to be moments in there that are going to suck asshole. And it's okay. It's supposed to. It's supposed to be like that. It's not supposed to feel good all the time. You're not supposed to feel— what's the word— like equipped all the time. Sometimes you feel like you're completely out of your comfort zone, like you don't belong there. What are you even trying to do? Like, what on earth? You're going to have those questioning moments. But again, how can I choose the most empowering thoughts right now? And that is always going to be in the direction of continuing down the path. And the only way to do that is being really, really kind of set and have a foundation in why you're doing it in the first place. It's got to be about more than just, I want to look amazing in those skinny jeans on Memorial Day, or I want to, you know, look great for my wedding. It's got to be about more than that. It's got to be bigger because then when, you know, the cravings hit or the date night with the hubby hits or girl night hits and you're kind of like, yeah, let me go YOLO my face off real quick. And that's going to take you 12 steps backwards. Yeah, you need to have like a deep footing in why you're seeking this change in the first place.

I love it. That's such, such, such great advice. I want you to let me know your biggest takeaway from today's episode, whether that's you sharing it on social or emailing me, DMing me, whatever that looks like to you, please let me know. I want this to be a place where you come to learn and grow, feel connection, build relationships. So please reach out. I can't wait to connect with you soon.