#1 Way to Fix Bad Communication With Your Guy

Okay, real quick, before we get started, you know, one thing you all know is we don't run any ads on this podcast. So all we ask in return is if you are enjoying the podcast and you want to spread a little love, please leave a review wherever you're listening to this podcast. It really helps us out a lot. And for all we know, it helps someone create the love life they truly deserve. So let's jump into it. Once you start making it about the person and their identity rather than behaviors, that's a problem. If you say, gary, I hate you, you are so annoying and clueless, that's a problem. Whereas the behavior, you can even just switch it a little bit, which is. It's pretty frustrating when you do X, Y and Z. That now that's a behavior that he can actually change. And it's not like pointed at Gary the identity. Gary. I feel like we have a really unique perspective as coaches in this space because I think we both can realize and recognize that all relationships have issues and have challenges, don't they? It's like there is no perfect relationship out there. Although we all want to believe it, it doesn't exist. Right?

Yeah, it doesn't sound very romantic, but it sure is realistic.

Yeah, I think we've riffed on this enough about like Disney movies and, you know, rom coms just set us up for failure in our beliefs of around relationships. But every relationship has challenges. Every relationship has conflict because you're taking two imperfect human beings, putting them together, and trying to create a life together. So today what we want to do is talk about the solution to creating a long lasting relationship, which is communication. Talking it out.

It might be one of the things I'm most fond of saying, which is every relationship problem has the same initial solution and that's communication. And so being a good communicator is a relationship superpower. And it's one that people actually aren't very good at. And even those that are listening are thinking, I'm a pretty good communicator. Perhaps. But there's. You definitely have some room to grow.

Yeah. And we all do. I mean, it's just one of those things. Especially when there's conflict, it can be hard to put yourself out there and say the words that are on your mind because you know that you're going to have to in some ways take a few steps backwards to take many steps forward. Right. Like, it can be hard to have that vulnerable conversation with someone. But the worst thing that we can do is allow things to fester and have that bad communication exists. Usually bad communication is no communication. Right, right. Not sharing things in many ways. Would you say that that's fair, Gary?

Yeah, I think that's one of the biggest mistakes you can make, I think, not communicating, which we're going to talk a decent amount about today. I think the other big mistake you can make with communication is just constantly blaming your partner. And since, you know, this podcast is. Our target audience is women. It's really, really easy for women to blame their male partner for being a bad communicator, because chances are he is. Chances are he's not a very good communicator. Chances are he is more of a problem than you are. But the issue with that is he's not listening to this podcast or, frankly, any other podcast to improve his relationship skills. And so it's important for those who are listening to this podcast to look for ways to improve your own communication, because the one way you can kind of help your guy become a better communicator is just by modeling good communication yourself.

Yeah, I mean, I should say, in my marriage, Jessica is always the problem in communication, and she's always wrong. I'm always right. And that was how I approached it the first year of being together. Ever since, everyone's always right.

You better backpedal. Backpedal alert, alert.

Hello.

Nice knowing you, pal.

Jessica, if you're listening to this podcast right now, just delete, delete, and don't. She releases the podcast so she does have an opportunity to listen to clips every once in a while. And I'm like, I was kidding. I was joking. You're amazing. So love if you're listening to this. I'm just kidding.

Well, speak. Speaking of lives, my wife was just telling me last night, we were eating dinner, she goes, you know, I've been listening to your podcast with Adam. I go, yeah? And I was like, oh, what did I say? What? I said? And she's like, they're really, really good. I'm like, all right, that's good. I said, funny enough you mentioned that, because we're recording another one tomorrow, and in that podcast, I'm going to tell a story about you.

Okay, let's hear it.

What story is that? I'm like, well, remember that thing about the dish sponge? And so this is a. This is the dish sponge. Great dish sponge issue of our marriage. All right, so we both do dishes. So that's a plus. Like, I mean, that's a major plus in any relationship. Like, we. We both. We take turns with. With most household Things, but we have like a dish sponge right near the. Near the kitchen sink. Like, you know, you use it how you normally would. And. And apparently for the longest time, apparently I was always taking it, not properly squeezing it out and just setting it by the faucet. And so it would be.

You're disgusting, horrible human being. Disgusting loser. Gary. Oh, how could.

Terrible, right? I, you know, awful. So apparently I just. My squeeze was not strong enough. It just was leaving a little too much moisture on the counter. And the one night she's like, you know, you do this and it's a problem. And so I was like, okay. And so this started. This is conflict, right? This could have been a potential argument. And, you know, we're going to kind of talk about at the end of this podcast, like, the successful strategies about how we went about that argument so that it didn't turn into a big problem. Because I think it's a really nice way to model some of the principles we are going to talk about. But I just kind of want to preface it by saying the bad strategy here. And it's just a dish sponge, right? But it's like in any relationship is never really just about the dish sponge or whatever it happens to be. And so the bad strategy my wife could have pursued is just not saying anything and just kind of hoping for the best, which is possible. Like, she would. She would admit that she does not, like, conflict. Like, she is not somebody who's just like, willing to, you know, kind of bring things up all the time. But then, you know, it's like, how does that go? Well, I mean, if she had followed that strategy, it would have gone on with her continuing to silently hate the fact that I am an inadequate squeezer and I leave dish sponges wet and all. Like, it just would have built and built and built to her thinking more and more that I'm inconsiderate jerk who can't or won't change and nothing would have gotten solved.

Yeah. PhD professor murdered in New Jersey because he just let that, that water sit on the counter with, like, the food in it still in the sponge. I don't know, man. I. I think I would let you off. If I was a juror, I would let her off. I'm like, you know what? He deserved it. He deserved what he got.

The body was found and he had a sponge shoved in his throat. We think he stick created on the sponge.

You will eat this sponge. Oh, my God.

Murder weapons at nine.

Yeah, so. So she shared it with you. How'd you take It. And were you guys able to overcome this. This sponge challenge?

Yeah, it. It ultimately worked out, and it's because she brought it up and was willing to bring it up, and it's because it avoids the biggest problem, like you kind of already alluded to, which is the biggest communication problem you can have is saying nothing. And so what we know about communication is if you say nothing, you start just cataloging all the wrongs that your partner has committed, right? It's a dish sponge. It's a shoe left in the wrong spot. It's walking through the house with mud. It's being, you know, leaving clutter. It's like you just. You don't forget all this, and you just kind of keep track, and you catalog and you keep reminding yourself of all these things. And oddly enough, you know, dish sponge. Appropriate. What we call this is kitchen thinking, right? You're just. It's kind of like that idea of throwing the kitchen sink of things, but it's like you're just thinking and cataloging. And then, so what happens is, is you have all this stuff built up. You've done all this kitchen thinking, right? And you're being good. You're not saying anything because you don't want to have a big fight. But then your partner does one more thing, and it could be the dish sponge. It could be a toothbrush issue. I mean, there's a million things that couples can fight about, but it's like kitchen thinking can very quickly pivot into kitchen sinking, which is where you just unload on your partner and you start telling them all of the wrongs in every way that they've been screwing up. And so what was one problem now feels like a million.

And that's, yeah, you gotta nip it in the bud. And that's. That's true for so many relationships, just even outside of romantic relationships. And I think. Actually, I don't know about you, Gary, but my intuition tells me people are maybe better at even communicating in romantic relationships, or at least more communicative than even other relationships, like familial or friendships. Like. And it's one of those things, like, in all relationships or even professional relationships, if there's something going on and you're able to. We'll talk about, you know, detaching emotion from logic a little bit later in this podcast. But if it's a real problem that does need to be addressed, nipping in the bud early before it turns into this kitchen thinking, and then it's like, you know, it's like the classic boss who, like, he's like, no, you're doing great. You're doing great. And then one day they come down, you like you're doing everything wrong. Like, you're doing this and this and this. And, you know, it's like, whoa, dude. Like, hey, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

And.

And it's just not a healthy way, obviously, to deal with anything because it's so overwhelming. The person wasn't expecting it, and it's just going to immediately put that person on the defensive.

Yeah. And that. And that is so, so important because if you're the person who's been kind of holding things back, and you. You're holding things back because you think you're doing the right thing. You think you're being the bigger person up until the point where you can't take it anymore. But now you have such a laundry list of wrongs that you just feel you need to let your partner know. And now all of a sudden, it becomes about showing them really what's what. It's almost like this shock and awe strategy where it's like, if I catalog all the things you've been doing wrong, the hope is you're going to be like, wow, thank you for bringing this to me. I now see your point. I've been really on bad behavior for quite some time now. That's the hope. I mean, there's no way that happens. They're not going to say, like, oh, my gosh, you're right. Thank you for bringing these 39 complaints to my attention. What actually happens is your partner feels attacked, and rightfully so.

And they are attacked, completely attacked.

And now what was a sponge problem, which is small, like, I mean, super impossibly small, now becomes about your overall inconsiderate nature and. And all these other things. And so it puts your partner on the defensive. Now they. What happens when they get defensive? They don't get reasonable. They get, you know, they start counterattacking. Right. The other thing is, even if your partner who's hearing this kitchen sinking, all these problems, wants to help, they don't know where to start because you just listed 20 things. Like, which of the 20 things is actually the real problem? And so this whole approach just always leads to chaotic, rambling fights with tangents. And then your emotions get heightened. You start saying these because you start getting this, like, win at all cost mentality because you're not going to take this from them. How dare they save all this information and not share this stuff with you along the way. And so it's it's like you said, you got to nip it in the bud.

Yeah, nip it in the bud. And, and with that, you know, one key piece of feedback at a time in golf. I'm, I'm pretty big golfer this summer, so I'm going to call myself a golfer because I've gone quite a bit and I'm actually not getting bad. I'm, I'm slightly above average after like 20 years of golfing.

Right.

But there's like a, when you go get golf lessons, they're very clear about when they start changing your swing. They just change one thing at a time. They're not going to be like, okay, now you got to change your grip. Now you got to swing at a different speed. You got to look at it a different way. If you give four different pieces of feedback all at once, nothing's gonna work. So the same is true in management for those who are like executive level leaders who are listening to this. Like, if you're giving feedback to an employee, you gotta do it one. We always say at the golf swing, like just one piece of feedback at a time, just so you can really focus on that one thing. And then if there's something else to be addressed a little bit later, then you can do that once the other, the highest priority issue is resolved. And, and it requires being strategic like it really does require thinking through the priorities of what it is that we really need to work on and not getting just overwhelmed by all the millions of things that you want to change in that, in that other human being. Are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. It's at a special link. It's called he commits.com and it's going to win. Walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over to he commits dot com. It's only available for a short period of time. I think you're going to like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast.

Yeah, and that, you know, which very nicely brings us to the point of this podcast, which is the number one strategy to fix bad communication. And very put very, very simply, it's keep small problems small. And so the key strategy here is, and this is going to sound weird, argue more to fight less. And I know it's like, you know, for many people listening, it's like, wait a second, that's dumb. That's the exact opposite of what I want. I don't want to argue with my partner more. But what I'm telling you is you actually do. Like, you want to have those arguments about the small, tiny, little things. Because when you do, you're able to check that issue off of your list and you don't have to worry about it anymore. That one that is now dealt with, and it's, It's.

It's.

You can move on. So the idea is you want to have. Have as many minor little scuffles as you need to have, because by doing so, you avoid having major battles.

Yeah. I met this couple at a conference a few months ago, and, like, they were together. We were talking about relationship. Anytime I mentioned what I do for profession, of course, just like you, I'm sure people want to talk about relationships. And the guy very clearly told me, oh, yeah, we have an amazing thing. Like, we never argue. We've never been in a fight. And you could almost tell, like, looking at her, like, there's something going on in there.

Her eyes shift down. Yeah.

Like, it wasn't like, yeah, like, we're totally aligned.

It's so great.

It was like, yeah, we're so happy.

You get.

I'm so happy with this relationship. Oh, my God, it's so good. It's like you never argue. It's impossible. I mean, it's impossible for two imperfect human beings to never have conflict. And if you're not arguing, then there's a lot of things being pushed under the rug. And I guarantee that rug will get pushed up so much that you're going to trip over it at some point, and that is going to be a blowout. And I don't know, it just always struck me. It's like, I feel like if you Talked to me 15 years ago, I saw that relationship, I'd be like, wow, that's aspirational. That's what I want. Now I see that. I'm like.

No, I'm right. I'm right there. It's the number one balloon about relationships I burst all the time, which is like, oh, we don't fight. We're amazing. I'm like, oh, not. Not a good. Careful what you're bragging about. And I think, to be very, very clear, I'm not saying go out and pick fights. You don't have to go out looking for problems if you're in a relationship long enough. They're just. Don't worry, they're coming. Right. There's going to be plenty of opportunity. There's going to be plenty of wet sponges, and there's always something, Right. And so you don't have to worry about doing that. And I, I would also say, you know, I know when I've talked about this before and I've written about this in my book, people are always skeptical about this whole argue more idea. But the research is very clear about this stuff. Couples who have more arguments have better relationships. Right? The research is clear. When couples think like, so you ask them, you know, how much do you believe that you shouldn't have arguments? Couples who believe you shouldn't have your arguments, they're less satisfied. They're more aggressive with each other. Importantly, the female partners are more depressed. Right? So that couple that you were just describing, and it's like, and so I said, like, did she kind of, like, avert her gaze and, like, look down? Like, she's not like, yeah, we don't fight. She's like, yeah. I mean, like, her, her tongue probably has calluses on it because she's biting her tongue so much because she wants to say things and she just can't. Right? And that's, that's not an ideal setting.

Yeah, No, I, I feel like you talk a lot about that in Relationship Synergy, which is part of Love Accelerator. Like, our coaching program is like, we'll have a lot of clients where they get into a relationship, they follow the little love steps, and then they get into their first fight and they start freaking out. And I, that's what I love about Relationship Synergy is you're like, that's okay. It's much less about, like, it being a problem that you are having an argument and more of a challenge of how do you deal with that? How do you actually manage conflict? How does he manage conflict? And that's the more important part of the puzzle piece. Because, yeah, like you said, it's a common no matter what.

And every one of these arguments, it's actually an opportunity for growth as a couple because it's another issue you guys get to navigate together as a team. And it's, it's something you just have to work on, right? And so some people don't want to have these little arguments because they're not comfortable with arguing, and they're not comfortable with arguing in a good, clean, respectful way. And so to those folks, I would just say it's a skill. It's like any other skill. It requires repetition. Keep at it. So as soon as, when your partner annoys you, say so, they're not going to mean it. They're going to apologize and you can move on. If you're wondering about something that your partner did or said, instead of just kind of quietly ruminating on it and, like, blowing it possibly way out of proportion, just ask them, hey, when you did blank, like, what was that about? Like, I'm just curious. And let them explain it, because a lot of times your imagination is much, much worse than the reality.

And so would you advocate for saying that your partner is annoying to you, though? Like, I wouldn't say. That would be a death trap for me. I wouldn't say you're. You're being annoying. I might address the thing that is annoying me. This is a.

Just as a caveat here, important clarification. Right. So it's like, it's very important. Right. So it's very. It's very different to say, you know, when you leave that wet dish sponge next to the sink, that's pretty annoying.

Yeah.

Like, that's fine. Fair play. Right? That's behavior. I can switch that behavior. Fine. Hey, you're really super annoying.

You're annoying. Gary, that's.

Now those are fighting words now. We're.

So annoying. Oh, my God, you're so annoying.

I would also just say, you know, it's like, this takes practice. It takes repetitions.

You will.

You and your partner both will get better and better at this. And just remember what the alternative. The alternative is secretly holding a grudge. There. They don't know about your secret grudge, so your partner can't do anything about it. They do more things to annoy you. It seems even more inconsiderate. And it just gets worse, worse and worse and worse.

Right.

And so you just. So much better to just bring things up.

Yeah, just bring it up. Bring it up in a civil way. And, you know, that's one thing that always stuck. Stuck to me. My mother's a divorce attorney in Massachusetts, and she always says the breakdown of a marriage is when people just stop being civil with one another. Like, you can do it in a civil way. Once you start name calling and throwing out all these, you know, once you start making it about the person and their identity rather than behaviors, that's a problem. If you say, gary, I hate you. You are so annoying and clueless. That's a problem. Whereas the behavior, you could even just switch it a little bit, which is. It's pretty frustrating when you do X, Y, and Z. That. Now that's a behavior that he can actually change. And it's not like, pointed at. Gary. The identity. You know, if you point at someone's identity, they are going to be defensive to the end. They are going to defend themselves because the ego comes in. And that's what human beings do, they defend their ego. Yeah.

As they should be and as you would be if the tables were turned. Right. Like, I mean, like, if it's about you and it's personal, it gets ugly really, really fast. Right. And so, you know, this other piece of, you know, have more arguments, so you have fewer fights. The other thing that clients will say to us, and I've heard feels like a million times, is, but I don't like conflict. And that's great, because guess what? Nobody does. Like, virtually no one enjoys conflict, particularly with someone you care about.

Right.

But here's the tricky thing. Like, it's inevitable in a relationship. It's inevitable and it's necessary. Right. When you avoid conflict, you're missing out on opportunities to work things through, things together. You don't let good arguments go to waste. Like, use those arguments to strengthen your relationship. And just having that shift in perspective will help a lot. Like, okay, we have a difference of opinion. I want to understand their point of view. I want them to understand mine. And, like, use those little bits of conflict and friction as ways to become stronger instead of weaker as a couple. And it's again, you know, not to beat the relation, the research to death or anything here. But, like, when partners avoid important topics, they have worse communication. They're not as happy and they're not as dedicated to the relationship seven weeks later. Right. Like, so just being unwilling to talk about things, it weakens your relationship, which, ironically, is often why people don't want to talk about things. Because they're worried about weakening their relationship.

Right, right.

You gotta lean into it.

Yeah, yeah. And sometimes you gotta just be like, okay, he's not going to like what I have to say. Sometimes they're just not going to. Like another human being is not going to like what you have to say and the behavior that you're going to critique. Most people don't like feedback. Most people just don't. Like, they're not just like, oh, please tell me exactly how it can change to serve it. Just, most people aren't that way. But I always think of this as I'm going to have to take one step backwards. It takes 10 steps forward. And if I don't say this, this is going to be a major problem. You go into it, it takes courage. You might have a little bit even of adrenaline, but if you think it through and you use the strategies we talk about today on how to Actually open up, then suddenly you can. Yeah, it might feel like in the moment, all right, we just took a step backwards. But I'm telling you, sometimes you, like, walk out of an argument and you can feel, like, cleansed. You're like, ah, finally, like, I feel better. You know, I've had this, like, dirt all over me and in this relationship, and now we're good to go, even if it requires a little bit of conflict. So just realize that that mechanism of, of conflict can really catapult the relationship and not hurt it.

Yeah. And I think, you know, the other thing that's important, we talk a lot about strategies and, like, specific things you can do, but what the other side of strategy are insights. And I think when it comes to this feeling of I don't like conflict because I think so many people see themselves as someone who doesn't enjoy conflict. I think it's important for people to gain some insights and maybe a little bit of perspective about why they don't like conflict. Right. And so one of the things that is a reason why people don't like conflict is you don't like conflict just because you're a nice person. You're a kind person. Like, you don't want to make somebody sad. Right. And so, like, who wants to hurt other people? Like, nobody, Right. But especially people who are generally really nice and kind. Right. But the reality is nice isn't the same thing as being a doormat. Right? Like, you can't be so super nice all the time and let people walk all over you.

Right.

You can't. You can't have it. You can take kindness too far.

I see. I actually differentiate. I have such a visceral reaction to the word nice just having coached men and men being nice. I love the word kind, but I think nice in many ways is when someone is putting nice. People avoid conflict by nature because being nice is not being rude or disruptive. Right. And sometimes you have to be disruptive. So, like, I honestly like being a nice woman or a nice guy. Like, I. Maybe I'm. I'm just splitting hairs here. But don't be nice. Be kind. Right? Be sincerely candid. Be sincere, but be straightforward. Right? And when you're just being nice, I find that that word in particular is almost kind of, kind of doormatty. So I don't know. I don't know if you agree with that or not, but that's how I feel.

I think there's. I think there's actually, you know, you can actually absolutely be too nice, Right. Because Sometimes you just need to have tough conversations. And I think part of what's going on there is, you know, people who want to avoid conflict, they don't want to hurt other people's feelings. Now the fact is you can have a hard conversation with somebody and just, you don't have to be a jerk about it. You just be kind in that conversation. Right. Be kind, be understanding. They can take it. Right. The other thing is the, one of the reasons why people avoid conflict is they're worried about the relationship.

Right.

They are not confident in the relationship. But here's the thing. Your relationship can take it. Right. Your relationship can take a tough discussion about something. Your relationship can take a discussion about a dish sponge. Like it's going to be okay. Well, if.

And if it can't, that says something about the relationship. Right. That's, that's the big piece, is if your relationship can't handle some basic feedback at times, so long as it's reasonable, there's a bigger problem here. And in many ways, if that's what breaks it, then that's what breaks it. And now you're set free to find something that actually works for you.

Yeah. And the research here shows that the number one taboo topic in relationships is the relationship itself.

Yeah.

And why do people not want to talk about their relationship? Because they're not really sure what they have or where it's going. But the people who are worried about those things, what do they have and where is it going? They don't want to talk about it, but they are the people who absolutely must talk about it. Like, that is the con, the next conversation you need to have with your partner. So you have a sense of, like, where you stand in this relationship. Because you want to know where it's going and if it's not going anywhere, wouldn't you rather find that out sooner rather than later? They find it out now. Don't wait three months or even worse, three years from now to find that out.

Right, Right. Absolutely. So why don't we talk about how do we actually bring things up when they occur as they will, Whether it's a dish sponge or it's me leaving the cabinets open. Everyone knows that, that is.

I like how we both have these kitchen related issues.

Well, the new one is I'm a big kite surfer and we just bought a brand new car and the directive was no sand in the car. And you should see the car right now. So I have a feeling there's going to be some feedback coming my way. Fair enough. All right. So how does one bring it up when your husband or boyfriend is leaving too much sand in the car? How do we do it?

So here, first you have to bring it up, right? And so I started this off by saying, like, my wife doesn't like conflict. But on this particular day, when it came to the dish sponge, she was more than a big fan of conflict. Like, she was totally fine with it. So for her to kind of get to that place, she had to first be sure it was a problem. Right. And, you know, it's a dish sponge, so she, she was pretty sure it was a problem. And so fine. But like, if she's not, if you're not sure, just have to ask somebody. Because not everything's a problem. Like, you can check with friends, family, somebody else. Like, hey, you can just kind of like benchmark it with somebody to see, like, is it, am I, am I being too much here? Like, am I over the top with this particular issue or is this actually like a for real problem?

Yeah, make sure it's reasonable, you know, And I really do think this is just my personal experience. Early on in a relationship, everything's a problem. Like, you see these things happening in the relationship, like, oh, that's a problem. That's a problem. And then as you start to get to know a person and how they kind of click in the way they live their life, you start to become more attuned as to what really is a problem and what's not a problem. I feel like it's once people hit that six month to a year that, like, that point where the honeymoon period has kind of worn off. Now you're in a relationship with this person, you see all their flaws. Suddenly, like, everything becomes a problem. And it's at that stage we want to make sure we're not blowing things up out of proportion. So, yeah, seeking external feedback is really, really helpful. Whether it's a friend, a coworker, therapist, through coaching, like, you know, what we do with love strategies, however it is that you want to get that input, it's really, really helpful. And like, we've seen it all the time, Gary, on Masterminds with our clients. Like, they'll come on and be like, explain a situation with a guy. And we'll be like, so what? Let it go. It's fine. Let's not make this into, let's not turn this into something it's. This is not a problem in this, the grand scheme of your life in the world. So let's not create something that's, you know, Silly.

Yeah. And because, you know, and I think, you know, by checking with somebody else, benchmarking with others, it really helps you separate the emotion from the logic.

Right.

You start to see things a little bit. People who aren't in your relationship see things more clearly because they don't have all the emotions kind of wrapped up in. In those issues. And so that can be really helpful. I think the other thing that's helpful, and this is something, you know, my wife totally did. Did this, is she assumed good intentions. So rather than assuming that I was leaving the sponge there because I'm inconsiderate, I didn't care about her, I didn't respect her. Like, she just assumed, and rightfully so, that I was oblivious, not that I was malicious.

Yeah.

And like, I worded this one this way very intentionally because so often the thing that your partner's doing that's annoying you, it has nothing to do with you. It's just they're oblivious. Like, they have. They don't mean it. They didn't mean it in that way. Or, like, if it's something they said, like, you got to check, like, were they tired, hungry, stressed, in a rush? Like, was there something else going on? Like, so often it really isn't about you, and it's really not even about them. It's just like, the circumstances. So just assume your partner is approaching things with the best of intentions, and that kind of puts you in a better mindset to properly calibrate your reaction to whatever it is that they're doing.

Yeah, I think that's true for all levels of conflict. And communication with human beings in general is not. Not assuming that they're acting in bad faith. Like, assuming that they're trying to do their best. Most people are good people. I would venture to say 95%. Then take a. Take aside the sociopaths and, like, the narcissists and all the people with, like, personality disorders, most people are good people. So when they're acting in an irrational or negative way or they have behaviors that are not aligned with what you'd expect of them, you still want to assume that they're trying to do something good. Maybe. But maybe they're acting in a certain way due to they thought that that's the right thing to do. Maybe likely they're oblivious. Maybe it's just they're acting based on the behaviors they learned from their father, his father growing up, and that's how his father did things. Maybe, you know, who knows? And once you kind of just, like, look at it from that lens and that perspective that they're like, they're trying their best. Then suddenly you can go into this with, like, a little bit less emotion and a little bit less anger, right? Like, just assume that they're trying their best. You know, they're doing their thing, and they don't think it's a big deal or they think it doesn't, like, bother you because it doesn't really bother them in their life, I think, is a big one. Don't you think?

G. That's huge. I mean, and that's like, the oblivious thing is, like, there's a lot of things that bother one person but not the other. And so, like, for me, dish, like, it doesn't bother me. It's on a granite top. Like, I mean, what's the difference in my mind, right? Not in my wife's mind. And so, like, that's part of being a relationship is like, it's not just about you anymore. It's not just what about what bothers you? And so, like, you. You start to learn, like, oh, wait, these other things, they bother. Even though they don't bother me, they bother my partner. So now you do have to start caring about some of those things, even though you didn't before because it bothers your partner, now it needs to bother you, Right?

Yeah.

So the other thing is, because it didn't bother me, I was never going to do anything. But what she did really, really well with this particular case is she mentioned right away, it was like I. It was as I was doing it, I was finishing with dishes, I took the sponge in my hand, I set it down, and she goes, you know, and it was right there on the spot. And it makes it really clear and specific what the problem is. And then you can deal with it right there. Because sometimes if you wait a week, day, 12 hours, people don't remember as clearly what was going on and all that kind of stuff. And so it's. It becomes. It makes the whole argument fuzzier than it needs to be. But she got me right in the moment. I think my hand had just let go of this. And she was like, you know? And I was like, yeah, oh, yeah, I do know. I can see me doing it as you were bringing it up.

Yeah, just say something. Now, again, this is assuming and this is a big assumption that your emotions are not getting in the way of things. And so the caveat to this is, if you are furiously angry and your emotions are just getting the best of you, take five minutes, go in the bathroom, Do a little bit of. Do three breaths in through your nose, out through your mouth. Give it a second. And if it really is something that needs to be addressed at this moment, you can address it. Okay. When in doubt, if you need to, you can wait a little bit longer if you think that the emotions are getting the best of you. But I would not be waiting longer than certainly 24 hours. There's nothing worse than someone who says, you know, two weeks ago, when you took the car out and went kite surfing and left all the sand, even though you cleaned it two days after, which would leave us to whatever date. And I'm like, you'd be like, whoa, this is irrel. I is totally irrelevant. So, you know, you got to leave it within an appropriate amount of time. Just allowing emotions to be the fuel that allows you to communicate is not healthy. If it's always emotions that are like, the one moment where it's like, I'm feeling so much, I'm gonna say something. You're just. You're. You're setting yourself up for a blowout fight. That's all. A fight. A blowout fight is. Is just two emotional reactions just battling with one another. Typically, you wake up the next day and you're like, that was silly. So big caveat. Yeah.

And one of the best ways to short circuit all that emotion is we said mention it right away. And that goes hand in hand with the next one, which is stay focused and only focus on one problem at a time. It's like your golf instructor, right? It's like, by mentioning it right as I did it, it made this entire conversation focus just on this one thing. And all of a sudden, like I said earlier, it's like, in the grand scheme of relationship, like, dish sponge placement is, like, the most minor of minor issues. And so who cares? Like, I mean, at the end of the day, like, who cares? And so the last thing my wife did, which was. Was fantastic, was she owned it. She wasn't like, you're this, you're that. It wasn't an attack. It was just like, I find it kind of annoying if this happened. And it's like, she didn't blame me. She didn't say I was doing this to her on purpose. And she just, like, said how she felt, and she was calm about it, and I heard her, and I didn't overreact. I didn't get defensive because she approached me in a very reasonable, logical way, and it turned out it was no problem. That evening, I went on Amazon, because I go to Amazon to solve all of my relationship problems. And I got a little tray, a little silicone tray that you can put next to the faucet that you can put in the dishwasher.

And.

And thankfully, because of that little silicone tray, we're still married.

$5 tray saved you from a very expensive divorce. There it is. It's just. It's just one little thing. And. And look, I think there's so many scenarios where these things come up in relationships. We want to give feedback. Let's say I had a client the other day who. They were in a. They've been in a relationship for, I think, like, four or five months or something, and he went away on a business trip, and she hadn't heard from him four days. And it was just like one of those moments where it's like, this is. This is a little too long to, you know, to. To not hear from a partner that you're in a relationship with. And the one piece of advice I gave her is to just own it and be like, look, the way that this makes me feel, makes me feel like you're not thinking about me or we're not really connected. And I'm not saying you need to be texting me 10 times a day, but I would love to hear from you at least once if you're gone for almost a week. Does that sound fair? And she did that. And he's like, yeah, totally. I honestly didn't even think of it. Like, he was. This goes in the oblivious category. It's like, this guy had been single for four years previous. He was kind of used to being in that mindset. When he's away, he's away. And I don't think it was him doing anything bad or any. He wasn't, like, cheating or anything. It was just like, he was just oblivious of just being a guy. Issue resolved, and she owned it. She wasn't trying to be, like, manipulative about it. She wasn't trying to be passive aggressive. Like, oh, you never text me. She's just like, hey, this is how it makes me feel when I don't hear from you. And he's like, you know, I didn't think of that. I'm gonna do this now. There you go. Issue resolved.

And the great thing that's gonna happen for her in her relationship lifetime is now that she was willing to bring something up, and she saw, like, just how easily something small was resolved and all the anxiety and worry that that saved her. Now the next time, she's going to be quicker to Bring the next thing up and the next thing, and it just starts you down this positive path of really improving bad communication. And so, you know, if we're going to wrap this whole thing up today with just one take home kind of thing is like, communication is a skill. It's a skill you build. It's a skill that everybody would benefit from improving. And so, you know, what we talked about today is really just the tip of the iceberg. And a lot of these podcasts we have talked about communication, we're going to keep talking about communication because it really is the one thing that helps relationships the most.

Yeah, yeah. Just have a little courage in relationships to say what's on your mind when it's appropriate and be mindful of just how the person's behaviors are making you feel. And if you let it just linger and linger and go under the rug, it's going to get much worse. So hopefully you guys all have gotten a lot out of this and you all are amazing just by the mere fact of listening to this podcast to this point, you already in the 99th percentile of people when it comes to communications and relationships. So you're amazing. And thank you, Gary. This is a really fun one. And if you guys do want any help in your love life, as always, we're here to help. You can. I don't know why I'm shameless plugging here, Gary, but I guess I will just go to lovestrategies.com and you if you're in a relationship, maybe because we're talking about relationships right now and we don't really usually talk. We don't usually talk about that as much as the dating stuff, but I think something people don't know about is In Love Accelerator. We actually do relationship coaching as well. So that was a huge part of kind of bringing Gary into the organization, what we're doing. So for those who are in relationships or they're single, love strategies.com we're here to help. Otherwise, thanks so much, Gary. This is great.

Thanks, Adam.

All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast, and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com it's going to walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you. We'll understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you, Love apply dot com. And yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right, speak soon. Bye. Bye.